Ah, Santa Claus…my hero. He basically works one day per year; has lots of help, smokes a pipe, eats an impressive number of cookies, and drinks a lot of whole milk. He has a red nose (hopefully, not alcohol abuse) and a big belly (truncal obesity). On the other hand, Santa is quite happy, apparently enjoys his job, and has been married for a long as anyone remembers (to the same Mrs. Claus). He has not experienced the stress of divorce, job changes, or relocations.
Statistically, Santa should have had a stroke by now, or at least be taking blood pressure medications. Depending on his overall tobacco use, he could have lung cancer or COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). His diet is terrible and he most likely has a cholesterol level off the chart, and he is at risk for colon cancer. Due to his apparent inactivity, he should have arthritis / degenerative joint disease and back problems (that heavy pack on one shoulder). These are really nothing to Ho..Ho…Ho about.
There is no mention, ever, of Santa having a complete physical exam. Although he is self-employed, thousands of elves depend on his longevity. It is highly unlikely that Mrs. Claus will take over the family business.
Five things you can do to help Santa?
- No more cookies and milk. Leave a tossed salad, low-fat dressing and water. Put an alarm on the refrigerator and hide the candy and liquor.
- Seal up your chimney and make him walk around the house to find a door. Take the steps.
- Put up some NO SMOKING signs.
- Make it easy on his back. Ask for small, light things for Christmas. Helium balloons are nice, as are thongs.
- Put a floor-length mirror and a bathroom scale someplace where he will see himself.
I love Santa. I want him around for my grand-children and great-grandchilden. I don’t want to tell them Santa is in the Coronary Care Unit.