What about that 4th Trimester?
Nearly every day, I see terrified new parents faced with the reality that they now have this little baby....and they don't have a clue how to take care of it. They spent months in Lamaze classes learning how to breathe...relax....and to have an uneventful, natural delivery. But, as soon as that baby enters the world....the parents lose it. The 4th trimester starts at birth and basically ends at age 18 (or so).
I feel really sorry for these frightened new parents. We buy a lawn mower and it is accompanied by a 57 page manual (in three languages) on how to take care of it. But, when we get a new baby...nothing! Parents need classes...raising children is not an easy job. There are lots of books out there for new parents, but parents don't even know which one to buy anymore. It used to be just Dr. Spock (not the one from Star Trek)....or just Grandma.
Thank goodness for maternal immunity, since most new babies rarely get sick until they are about six months old (unless they are dumped off in day-care as soon as they dry). However, those first six months are filled with lots of concerns....pooping too much, not pooping enough, green poop, crying for no particular reason (the child, not the parents), spitting up, not sleeping, etc. etc. When the child reaches six months, sometimes sooner, the illness train begins. Most new parents do not know that the children average about 6-9 viral infections per year for the first 5-6 years of life. That adds up to a whopping 50-60 illnesses before first grade.
Parents are deathly afraid of fever...any fever. They think that the higher the fever, the more serious the illness, and that any temperature in the 103 plus range is surely going to cause permanent brain damage. Medical providers need to sit down with ALL new parents and explain that fevers are really not bad, and actually very therapeutic. Fevers do not need to be treated in most children, although ibuprofen and acetaminophen can really help children that are uncomfortable.
So, children get colds....LOTS of colds. Why? Their immune systems are unchallenged and not a strong as adults. Their levels of personal hygiene are similar to third-world countries. They are lousy handwashers and good nose-pickers. And, they hang around other kids that are equally as hygiene-challenged. But, colds are not all bad. Colds help jump-start the immune system (much like immunizations, but only colds are free) and make us more resilient to other, more serious illnesses.
Oh, and then there are rashes. Grandparents often think that any non-diaper rash is measles...or chicken pox....or Ebola....or something horrible. Most of the time, rashes are just due to our frequent visitor....one of those pesky, self-limiting viruses.
The 4th trimester lasts a long, long time. If you are going to have children, you got to expect to see some illnesses. As this Fall/Winter season begins, my heart goes out to all of the new parents.
Related Topics: Parenting, Childhood Immunizations
I feel really sorry for these frightened new parents. We buy a lawn mower and it is accompanied by a 57 page manual (in three languages) on how to take care of it. But, when we get a new baby...nothing! Parents need classes...raising children is not an easy job. There are lots of books out there for new parents, but parents don't even know which one to buy anymore. It used to be just Dr. Spock (not the one from Star Trek)....or just Grandma.
Thank goodness for maternal immunity, since most new babies rarely get sick until they are about six months old (unless they are dumped off in day-care as soon as they dry). However, those first six months are filled with lots of concerns....pooping too much, not pooping enough, green poop, crying for no particular reason (the child, not the parents), spitting up, not sleeping, etc. etc. When the child reaches six months, sometimes sooner, the illness train begins. Most new parents do not know that the children average about 6-9 viral infections per year for the first 5-6 years of life. That adds up to a whopping 50-60 illnesses before first grade.
Parents are deathly afraid of fever...any fever. They think that the higher the fever, the more serious the illness, and that any temperature in the 103 plus range is surely going to cause permanent brain damage. Medical providers need to sit down with ALL new parents and explain that fevers are really not bad, and actually very therapeutic. Fevers do not need to be treated in most children, although ibuprofen and acetaminophen can really help children that are uncomfortable.
So, children get colds....LOTS of colds. Why? Their immune systems are unchallenged and not a strong as adults. Their levels of personal hygiene are similar to third-world countries. They are lousy handwashers and good nose-pickers. And, they hang around other kids that are equally as hygiene-challenged. But, colds are not all bad. Colds help jump-start the immune system (much like immunizations, but only colds are free) and make us more resilient to other, more serious illnesses.
Oh, and then there are rashes. Grandparents often think that any non-diaper rash is measles...or chicken pox....or Ebola....or something horrible. Most of the time, rashes are just due to our frequent visitor....one of those pesky, self-limiting viruses.
The 4th trimester lasts a long, long time. If you are going to have children, you got to expect to see some illnesses. As this Fall/Winter season begins, my heart goes out to all of the new parents.
Related Topics: Parenting, Childhood Immunizations
22 Comments:
My children are now 17 and 14, but I remember wondering what I was going to do when my oldest was born. I called him my non-self-comforting child. He wouldn't take a pacifier and did not suck his thumb or fingers. He was a terrible sleeper and did not sleep through the night until 13 months. I had the Dr. Spock book and all the advise from the well meaning grandparents. My favorite was my mother-in-law who told me he needed 12 hours of sleep when he was 2. I told her that was the average and in order to have an average some kids needed to sleep less and that was my kid. He went to bed at 10 and was up between 7 and 8. He still sleeps the same hours on school days.
Was the phrase "dump off in daycare" really necessary? These sorts of diguised judgments are an additional stress to new parents who are trying to make the best choices for their families.
"Most new parents do not know that the children average about 6-9 viral infections per year for the first 5-6 years of life. That adds up to a whopping 50-60 illnesses before first grade."
That's pretty bad math.
If you actually calculate that, it adds up to 30-54 illnesses(you should subtract 3 or 4 for those first six months of "immunity")
The phase "dump off in daycare" was and is really necessary.It is not a "diguised judgment" that adds stress to new parents making what they call the best choices for their families. It is the best choices they make for themselves not their children. What a child needs most is bonding with their parents not a Daycare Center. If you choose to have children, the children should come first and that is the Parents should be introducing them to the world, not a Daycare Center.
Oh for heavens's sake, lay off the judgment, Anonymous 11:31! I'm going through the process of deciding what is best for my child (not yet born) and my husband, and yes, for myself too. And I am so sick of people judging me because I want to go back to work! That does NOT make me a bad or unfit parent, and I'm tired of the guilt trip daycare opponents put people like me through. Daycare is a choice that can be beneficial to the child, as well as to the parents. Check out some of the research- yes, it shows a slightly higher incidence of aggression and behavior problems among some children, but that is also tempered by a host of other factors, such as the quality of the daycare, the temperment of the child, and the other children in the daycare.
The issue is one with a lot of nuance, Anonymous 11:31, and you do no one any favors by ignoring that. Sheesh.
MY OLDEST STARTED DAYCARE WHEN HE WAS 6 WEEKS OLD AND HE IS MUCH MORE DEVELOPED SOCIALLY THAN MY YOUNGEST WHOM I CHOSE TO STAY HOME WITH UNTIL SHE WAS 7 MONTHS OLD. SHE IS SCARED OF ANYONE NEW AND HAS A DIFFICULT TIME SOCIALIZING WITH OTHER CHILDREN. I DO NOT HAVE TO WORK, I CHOOSE TO WORK. MY CHILDREN LOVE DAYCARE AND DO REALLY WELL THERE. IT IS NOT HEALTHY FOR PARENTS OR CHILDREN TO BE ISOLATED FROM OTHER PARENTS AND KIDS.
What do you care if someone "judges you?" If you are doing what is truly best for your child you shouldn't have any guilt, regardless of the decision.
Most families cannot afford not to have both parents working. That is certainly true in my case. Does that mean I am not worthy of being a parent?
Both of my children (soon to be 9 & 5) are in daycare and have been since 6 wks and 5 mths. I could have chosen to stay home with them, but instead I chose to go to work. Not only do I go to work for the money (for rent, food, clothes, the occasional night out), but I also go to work for my own sanity and well-being. Not every parent is going to do well as a stay-at-home. Some parents simply need the interaction and conversation that come with adult associations. It gives me great pleasure to talk to another adult about something other than the amount of sleep I'm being deprived of or the number of times I put my younger son on the toilet yesterday.
Just because someone decides that daycare is best for EVERYONE concerned, doesn't give ANYONE else the right to jump in with a unnecessary and certainly unwelcome intrusion.
all parents should be treated equal no matter what the choice. I am asking for equality in choice, not one over the other. Yes, I stand against daycare lobbyist but only because they are forcing a one daycare choice on parents.
I stay at home but I have also worked and I use Ontario Early years. No none of you are less parents or love your children less because you choose what you choose. Please allow us all to come together and insist on equality for all parenting. I think its about time the government stop pitting us against each other and we stand up for ourselves and our choices....
I am being discriminated against daily.. I am a non dependant worker under the tax system and people think I don't pay taxes therefore I have no opinion.. my work is a burden on society,,, you all know this is wrong as I know you being judged in being less of a parent because you use daycare is wrong too... help us both...
I feel that daycare lobbyist only show the good side of daycare to get more funding, we need researchers up there that will give us the truth good and bad as well as all parenting choices. That means mom up the road, grandpa down the road, unlicensed daycares, and stay at home parents along side daycare parents...
I am equal to you in every sense accept I do unpaid labour while the childcare professionals in the Nationals daycare get paid for their work..
I believe I am a childcare professional!
anonymous 9:30
I agree with you....completely. We all do what we is best for our kids...we love them all the same!
Given the choice though would help us all!
As with any situation, daycare has pros and cons. Daycare is a great way for children to socialize and develop among their peers. In the past this was done in large or extended families, this is not the norm now. Society has changed families are smaller so we are finding ways to adjust. Unfortunately more families are single parent homes or, require both parents to work. Parents are not able to spend as much time with their children. Daycare does not hinder bonding with a child. Parents fear losing precious milestone or moments, after all bonding can be done after picking your child up after daycare. As parents we need to support and help each other and our children. Our job as Parents and Childcare workers (paid or not) is about the child.
If I was an infant, I think I would choose a loving parent over a stranger (who is NOT motivated by love) taking care of me any day!
I figure if something happens to me, I can't be replaced for my husband by a housekeeper and concubine, so how can I be so easily replaced for my CHILD by hired help?
The need for both parents to work is RARE--check out various frugal living websites. There are lots of stay-at-home moms whose husbands bring home only $25,000 or so. I know lots of couples who are choosing nice houses, cars with payments, etc.--THINGS--over raising their child.
People say they're raising their kids, and they're not paying someone else to do it. But how many waking hours does a parent have with their kid if it's in daycare? Drop her/him off at 7:30, pick up the baby at 5:30, run home, make supper, play a little, bathtime and bedtime. How many waking hours--even with weekends--are you getting with your kids compared to the daycare employees?
And this doesn't even address how much strain this puts on a marriage. By the time you get the kids into bed, you're too tired for each other!
And "stay at home" doesn't literally mean "at home." Socialization for both mom and kids can take place at the park, in mommy groups, playgroups, etc.
I just don't think babies should be brought into the world if parents only want them "part time."
Every time I've stepped into a daycare in my past job, it's a sad place. I get SWARMED by little kids wanting one-on-one attention.
The other day I was at the park with my toddler. She and I were playing the swings, and a van pulled up from a daycare. About a dozen preschoolers and 2 caretakers piled out. The "caretakers" sat down on a bench, chatting and occasionally glancing up at the kids. But all the kids wanted ME to push them on the swings, catch them at the bottom of the slide, etc. When I realized my own child was being neglected through all this, I had to kindly tell the children, "You need to go ask one of your 'teachers.'" They hung their heads and went off by themselves. They didn't want a 'teacher'--they wanted a MOTHER.
And ask any kindergarten teacher--they can tell which children have been at home with an involved parent versus an institutionalized daycare.
I agree daycare is better for a child, though, if there isn't a caring parent at home. Some stability must be offered. And so we need to be sure that daycare is as healthy and high-quality as possible.
But most of the time, daycare is an unnecessary choice that overall makes children suffer.
So I ask the stay-at-home mother this question - how do you feel about single, widowed mothers who have no choice but to work and place their children in the trusted hands of certified child care workers? I feel sorry for you that you must feel the need to stand in judgement of others.
**So I ask the stay-at-home mother this question - how do you feel about single, widowed mothers who have no choice but to work and place their children in the trusted hands of certified child care workers? I feel sorry for you that you must feel the need to stand in judgment of others.**
I am a SAHM. It's stupid questions like this that keep the "great debate" going. It's not single mothers, widowed mothers, mothers or fathers who are genuinely having a difficult time. Most of these mothers would give their left arm to stay with their child but they can't.
It's the parents who would rather work then raise their children. Parents who make comments like:
**And I am so sick of people judging me because I want to go back to work!** or
**I DO NOT HAVE TO WORK, I CHOOSE TO WORK.**
How about **IT IS NOT HEALTHY FOR PARENTS OR CHILDREN TO BE ISOLATED FROM OTHER PARENTS AND KIDS.** and
**It gives me great pleasure to talk to another adult about something other than the amount of sleep I'm being deprived of or the number of times I put my younger son on the toilet yesterday.**
These comments go far to prove just how ignorant some working mothers are of what it's like to stay home and raise their own kids. Funny, I am not isolated and interact with adults and children on a daily basis. We don't talk about our sleep or our child's potty business all the time. If a mother wants to talk about that at times, there is nothing wrong with it.
As a former daycare worker, I guarantee you the people who are raising your child 8 hours a day for you are discussing your child's potty issues among other parental things.
Has anyone ever noticed that the parents who choose to work to benefit their own goals are the ones who get all offended and feeling picked on and judged? I rarely see a mother or father complain about having to work because they are forced to. They don't feel judged because in most cases they aren't.
And it might come as a huge shock to you all, staying home is not all it's cracked up to be. It's hard and we feel guilty sometimes too. And yes, we feel judged to as well.
As someone else said, if you are happy in what your doing, then why jump up and down acting like a crybaby about people judging you? There should be no reason if you feel your in the right.
Not pooping enough, what is enough? My exclusively breastfead 3 month old has not gone in 14 days? His Doctor says he is fine and to give him apple juice 4 oz a day. Does any one out their know if breastfead babies poop less? Help.
To discuss specific questions with regard to your baby's development, growth, bowel movements, teething, etc, we invite you to our Parenting Newborns: 0-3 months message board.
I am a soon-to-be parent who is just looking for advice on the first few months. Let me start by saying that I am very excited to be a father, it's the biggest blessing I could ask for, aside from marrying the woman of my dreams. Now to the rest...wow, there is way too much offensive/defensive cat fighting going on here. The article didn't do much to put me at ease personally (funny about the bad math on sicknesses!) and most of you guys really make me even more unsettled about becoming a parent. Thanks. Anyway, I don't claim to be an expert, but here's my spin.
Before I really get into it, let me say that I am well aware of what some of you mean by saying that we "choose" to go to work or to stay at home. For my wife and I, as happy as we are, I don't think there is much of a choice involved because of the specific obligations (financial & otherwise) that we have. I am convinced that other new parents (perhaps some of you) are in worse financial shape than we are, but we literally don't know what we're going to do, it's that daunting right now. We don't have family or friends that will be able to help us care for baby regularly. Not even grandparents. We are past our nipples in debt from our recent homebuying, undergraduate education, and wedding/honeymoon expenses (all within the last year), not to mention all the usual bills. The house is nothing special, but it's home...and the wedding & schooling were way expensive. Gotta love those student loans. In a perfect world, one of us would stay home, but we have yet to figure out how to afford life if that were to happen.
AND YET....
I have faith that my wife and I will make this work somehow. We are both freaking out a bit because she has to go back to work about a month after the birth, and has no flexibility otherwise. Because of the benefits, hers is the job that must be kept, full time, at all costs...under her insurance there are zero out of pocket expenses for medical care, including the births and such. I have more time off available (~up to about 15 weeks), but eventually we need a more permanent pay care solution. I have a flexible schedule, but I am trying to determine if I should work 3/4 time eventually, or if we should donate out limbs to pay for day care, or what. We're new to this and just don't have much support, as much as I love our families. If anyone here knows of a good information resource to help out new parents with much debt and little support, let me know. I am sad and frustrated about how things seem to be shaping up for us as our baby gets closer and closer to coming into the world. I figure, though, there's GOT to be a way...I only wish I knew in advance how we were going to make it work...
Oops, sorry for the typos ("pay care" and "out limbs"...maybe more.) Please look past that and direct us to some sound advice!
Its sad most people worried more about than Daycare comment than finding accurate info on their child! Thats the Crybaby Culture we are now!
You know what is funny is that although I am not yet a mother...and I realize that most of these postings were a long time ago...I never knew there was a "debate" about day care. As a product of divorce I spent my childhood in daycare and I dont resent my parents for it at all. I had plenty of friends to play with and bond with. I am successful and happy and have a good relationship with my parents. To sit there and get so upset as to someones choice about having to send their child to daycare is crazy. Get over it. I totally agree with the comment "Its sad most people worried more about than Daycare comment than finding accurate info on their child!"
I have had green excrement. But I'm 13. Is that normal?
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