My Late Wife « Family Webicine

First, let me tell you that my wife is not dead, but she is perpetually late, at least for things that she perceives as not being important. It has always puzzled me why people refer to our dearly departed loved ones as “late”. Late for what? Personally, I don’t think they will be showing up at all. With that morbid observation out of the way, let’s get back to lateness.

Tonight is the annual holiday formal for our medical group. It is a nice affair; good food; music too loud; people that you work with every day dressed to the hilt walking around carrying their wine glasses; and of course, dancing. My wife really hates to go. I am neutral about it, but go anyway since I believe it is the right thing to do. It starts at 6:30 PM, or 6ish…or 7ish…or 8ish in my wife’s liberal timeline.

She has known about this annual affair for several months and already has her dress, however, it was only yesterday that she remembered to adjust her patient schedule so that she will have ample time to finish her charts, change into her dress, and meet me ON TIME, so that we can arrive at this event ON TIME. Her last patient will be at 3 PM and she has agreed to meet me at 6 PM at Borders, twenty minutes from her office. I selected Borders bookstore so that I can browse around, have coffee, etc. while I am waiting.

She already knows she will be late. I know she will be late. She is already anticipating that I will be ticked off about it (true), so this morning, she decided to mount a preemptive argument about the fact that she will be late. Perhaps, if I am confrontational, she will simply announce that she will not go. She has done this before, and I have gone to a formal affair by myself; constantly explaining why she isn’t with me. I just told everyone that she was late. Tonight, if she does show up on time tonight, she will be sarcastic about it.

Being selectively late is not a rare trait for my wife. She is chronically late for most things; usually the things that involve me. I have to lie to her about movie start times, so that I can see a movie from the beginning and not sit in the front. When we are flying somewhere, I have to fudge a bit on our take-off time or else we will be bumped from our flight. I say “most things”, since she does have the capability of being on time if she desires. For instance, if she has to be at a school to watch a theatrical performance of one of the grandchildren, she will be on time, in front, video camera warming up. She is not late for hair appointments, her sewing classes, mammograms, or dental appointments.

I can give you hundreds of examples of her lateness, but I think you get the idea. I don’t know why she even has a watch. I am her exact opposite when it comes to being ON TIME. As a matter of fact, I am usually early for most of my appointments, so that I will NEVER be late. I allow for traffic, weather patterns, terrorist attacks, engine trouble, flat-tires, and parking difficulties. I look up the addresses and often get a computer-generated map. I cannot remember a time when I was late for an appointment. As a matter of fact, I can drive 700 miles, navigating traffic in Southern California, and get to an appointment ON TIME. The answer is planning.

Punctuality may be genetic, since my brother has the same issues with his wife. When he was dating his first wife in college, he used to call over to the sorority house and have them tell her that he was downstairs waiting. He would then take a shower, get dressed, and drive over. When my brother and I take road trips, he has his GPS. I can guarantee that we are ON TIME anyplace we need to be.

Every day in the clinic, I am faced with patients that are late for their appointments. I work in pediatrics, so I will see any ill child, whether the parents are late or not. Kids don’t drive, so it is not their fault. I love hearing the excuses, too. Of course, they are very grateful that I did not turn them away at the door. Some of the doctors in our practice have a 15 minute rule–if you are fifteen minutes late, you will have to be rescheduled.

I know that a mother’s day is hectic, especially when you have a sick child, so I have no intention of making a bad day worse. I do have chronic abuses of my lax late policy, however. These are the people that never show up at all, and don’t call to cancel. These are the notorious NO SHOW people. We mark their charts when a big, red NO SHOW stamp.

The clinic has a series of escalating, nasty letters that are sent to the NO SHOW people. At first, the letters are nice reminders. Later, the letters will threaten dismissal from the practice. The last letter IS a dismissal from the practice. I don’t use these letters. It is terribly disrespectful to be late, or not show up for an appointment. I suspect that most of these NO SHOWS are really just late, and are too embarrassed to show up.

Back to my wife…As much as I would like to be a nice guy about her chronic lateness, it does tick me off. I feel that it is disrespectful to me – her husband – the guy that married her and loves her. Why can’t (or won’t) she be on time? Is it an overt, passive-aggressive action? Is lateness genetic, too? Maybe her mother or father was always late and she cannot biologically help it? Maybe her internal clock a cheap Timex? I would absolutely love to be purposely late for some important event of hers, but the last time I tried it, I became so anxious that I was on-time, as usual. Damn. I can’t even purposely be late.

Is it wrong to always be on time? Am I wrong to be upset because my wife is chronically late; or even anticipates that she will be late a day or more BEFORE she is actually late?

I suspect my wife will outlive me. Then, and only then, can she refer to me as her “late husband”. She, of course, will be late for my funeral. Finally, a good excuse.