Adult Children: When to Stop Parenting
All of our children are adults now, at least chronologically and legally. Of course, not all adults act like adults; so many parents are faced with many on-going parenting issues that extend well beyond that 18th birthday.
We are blessed with five adult "kids". Two are married, but a few days ago, we discovered that THREE are now married. One of our adult children (age 33, law school doctorate, and aspiring administrator) decided on a whim to marry a foreign medical graduate that he has only known for a very short time. They had been dating about a month and carrying on Internet conversations for a few months prior to that.
As the story goes, he wanted to get engaged and wait a year. (Dr. Laura would have approved.) However, her parents had other ideas on this proposed timeline. She is in the U.S. on a temporary, soon-to-expire visa and applying for residencies in internal medicine. Although we are not familiar with current immigration restraints, it is our belief that a different level of visa is required in order to be accepted into a medical residency program and remain in the U.S. Marrying a U.S. citizen would likely help.
To make a disturbing story shorter, her parents flew in from the Philippines and sat down with both of them. We were not aware that this was happening. Her father and mother convinced/coerced/encouraged our son to take this huge step and get married right away; or they would be taking her back with them to the Philippines. (No, as far as we know, there are no babies in the hopper.) So, the four of them headed off for a quickie marriage ceremony about a week ago. We found out about this clandestine marriage a few days ago, when our son decided to inform his family. Needless to say, this came as a shock to everyone.
We met our new daughter-in-law (sort of) that very evening. She is very shy and has no eye contact whatsoever. She consults with our son before answering any personal questions, such as her former last name. (Very, very strange.) She was justifiably frightened to meet us. As much as we would like to believe that this marriage was not just a fast track to a Green Card (denied categorically), we can't help but feel suspicious. He says he loves her and she loves him (great). She is applying to a multiple-year residency, followed by a post-graduate fellowship about three hours away from where he just accepted a new job. He says he will make the six hour commute (naive, or just plain stupid). He starts his new job in a few days, but has not found housing, and has no furniture. He is also desperately trying to study for a very important certification examination required for his new position. (Talk about distractions!)
My wife's reaction? Catatonic at first; upset about the blatant disrespect for our family, next, and now, just deeply, deeply troubled. An adult child has every right to make his own decisions, regardless of how unusual they are. She is his mother. This mother is not just a passive observer of our kid's lives; she is an active, vocal participant.
My reaction? What the hell were you thinking? Of course, I did not say that out loud, but the message was effectively transmitted in one subtle form or another.
The reactions of the rest of the family? Pretty much the same.
I believe we have a few options. We can embrace our new daughter-in-law and accept this marriage as a blessed union made in Heaven. (We are definitely not there yet). We love our son and know that failure to honor this relationship may distance him from his family. We can step back, throw up our hands, and start making our private predictions. (We are trying this on). Or, we can embrace our roles as perpetual parents and continue to share our honest concerns, even though there is nothing we can do about it. (Risky, but more likely to happen.)
My grandmother (not an otolaryngologist) used to say that when your ears are ringing, someone is talking about you. If that is true, there are two new people out with tinnitus.
2007 is going to be an interesting year.
Related Topics:
Technorati Tags: parenting, relationships, marriage
We are blessed with five adult "kids". Two are married, but a few days ago, we discovered that THREE are now married. One of our adult children (age 33, law school doctorate, and aspiring administrator) decided on a whim to marry a foreign medical graduate that he has only known for a very short time. They had been dating about a month and carrying on Internet conversations for a few months prior to that.
As the story goes, he wanted to get engaged and wait a year. (Dr. Laura would have approved.) However, her parents had other ideas on this proposed timeline. She is in the U.S. on a temporary, soon-to-expire visa and applying for residencies in internal medicine. Although we are not familiar with current immigration restraints, it is our belief that a different level of visa is required in order to be accepted into a medical residency program and remain in the U.S. Marrying a U.S. citizen would likely help.
To make a disturbing story shorter, her parents flew in from the Philippines and sat down with both of them. We were not aware that this was happening. Her father and mother convinced/coerced/encouraged our son to take this huge step and get married right away; or they would be taking her back with them to the Philippines. (No, as far as we know, there are no babies in the hopper.) So, the four of them headed off for a quickie marriage ceremony about a week ago. We found out about this clandestine marriage a few days ago, when our son decided to inform his family. Needless to say, this came as a shock to everyone.
We met our new daughter-in-law (sort of) that very evening. She is very shy and has no eye contact whatsoever. She consults with our son before answering any personal questions, such as her former last name. (Very, very strange.) She was justifiably frightened to meet us. As much as we would like to believe that this marriage was not just a fast track to a Green Card (denied categorically), we can't help but feel suspicious. He says he loves her and she loves him (great). She is applying to a multiple-year residency, followed by a post-graduate fellowship about three hours away from where he just accepted a new job. He says he will make the six hour commute (naive, or just plain stupid). He starts his new job in a few days, but has not found housing, and has no furniture. He is also desperately trying to study for a very important certification examination required for his new position. (Talk about distractions!)
My wife's reaction? Catatonic at first; upset about the blatant disrespect for our family, next, and now, just deeply, deeply troubled. An adult child has every right to make his own decisions, regardless of how unusual they are. She is his mother. This mother is not just a passive observer of our kid's lives; she is an active, vocal participant.
My reaction? What the hell were you thinking? Of course, I did not say that out loud, but the message was effectively transmitted in one subtle form or another.
The reactions of the rest of the family? Pretty much the same.
I believe we have a few options. We can embrace our new daughter-in-law and accept this marriage as a blessed union made in Heaven. (We are definitely not there yet). We love our son and know that failure to honor this relationship may distance him from his family. We can step back, throw up our hands, and start making our private predictions. (We are trying this on). Or, we can embrace our roles as perpetual parents and continue to share our honest concerns, even though there is nothing we can do about it. (Risky, but more likely to happen.)
My grandmother (not an otolaryngologist) used to say that when your ears are ringing, someone is talking about you. If that is true, there are two new people out with tinnitus.
2007 is going to be an interesting year.
Related Topics:
Technorati Tags: parenting, relationships, marriage
12 Comments:
I'd be upset too. However, I followed in my mom's footsteps and would have to keep my mouth shut.
You see, my mom (and I) both met our husbands on blind dates and both of us were married less than 6 months after meeting our spouses. My parents have been married for 54 years and my husband and I for 27.
I hope that your son and his bride will be happily married for at least as long as you and his mom.
I have no advice on dealing with this. At least I invited my parents to the wedding. I think THAT part of this whole thing would upset me more than anything else.
At this age, I'd be a cheerleader for my children and let him sort out his decision. If he asked I'd give him feedback.
Reference your daughter in law's situation, if she is able to apply for residencies it means she has passed the USMLE's (3 of them) which are required for foreign grads. In the Philippines Americans are looked at skeptically many times because of what we have done to women there in the past (military bases have brothels out near the gates) so I can imagine she is from good family if they came over and demanded that they marry or she was going home. They are a very polite society and that would be norm.
Bottom line Dad and Mom: Embrace your son's new wife and get to know her. If he was wrong, it was his decision..if he was right, you want to be involved in helping with your future grandchildren. He obviously married someone who is educated and could have come on their own: there are thousands of MD's from there here. Congrats on the addition to your family
Thanks for the advice....everyone.
I think if I tried to do this my parents and my 4 brothers would kill me. I am twenty-five, but I am the only girl in the family, the youngest, and my brothers have to approve everyone guy I date it seems. I think if I ran off and married someone without anyone knowing them, all my brothers would questioned him and stare him down like a hawk. I would never hear the end of it. I remember going out of town with my current boyfriend and my brothers were questioning him on where we are staying, how many nights, what we were doing etc. I am surprised they did not scare him away.
Take Heart How many marriages go bad even when they are perfectly planned in every way. There are no guarantees. Enjoy the marriage and make the couple comfortable.
I agree with Dean. I left the Philippines at a very young age but am still, very much immersed in the culture. We, generally, do not share the casual way that North Americans view pre-marital sex. As a mother of a 14 year old teen-age daughter who is not allowed to date until she's 18, I share the same concerns as the parents of your daughter-in-law. If I were to find out that my daughter, once she becomes an adult, were dating a North American, I would be very scared of the consequences, as well. I would, probably, take my daughter home, too, unless they were willing to get married. Someone who has engaged in pre-marital sex would not have a very promising future of marrying into a good family when they return home. And even though my children and I were raised here, it is difficult to dismiss those values.
Take heart, it would be different if it were your daughter. Your son, although seemingly rushed into a marraige, did not do so at a tender age. Be supportive, speak your mind if you feel that you are being constructive, and whatever you do, don't ever say "I told you so" if things don't work out. Take some more time to get to know your new daughter-in-law. She is obviously intelligent and driven to be working toward a medical career here in the US.
My husband and I married with just 2 friends as witnesses, and we did not tell my family or my husband's family until we came back from our honeymoon. We are of 2 different races, and 2 different cultures, and we had only known each other for three months, but we knew it was the right thing for us to do. We have been married for 19 years now, and we have three laid back, cheerful, gorgeous kids who have travelled the world with us. Sometimes things work out for the best, and your son is old enough to know what he is doing, so I would support the new relationship and be thankful that he married a hard working woman.
FWIW, my older brother married my sister-in-law at 20 years old after knowing her for about six weeks. He's American, she's Canadian, they live in Canada. He had no job, no higher education, she had a young child and was enrolled in business classes. They've had their ups & down and struggled quite a bit, but they are still together 23 years later.
Did my family approve? No way, though we had nothing against his wife. But, we supported the marriage because we didn't want to lose my brother. My sister-in-law has grown to be a big part of the family and is loved greatly.
Good luck.
I suggest you and the rest of the family take the high road and take the marriage at face value.
Identify 100% with your excellent description of varied emotions. As mom of 4 "adults"--last one married recently, I share your wife's chain of reactions. My father was always saying "you made your bed...you can sleep in it"--your son has made choices and the key from your perspective will be to let him work out the consequences. Sometimes time and distance can grant perspective and it sounds as if you are working toward finding ways to be loving and supportive as the situation works out. Hang in there !!
Your new daughter-in-law's "no eye contact" and shyness are signs that she respects you & your wife. As her new parents-in-law, she is not supposed to look at you directly (that would be like challenging you) accdg. to her culture. She is supposed to be shy (not pushing herself forward) and she is only asking her husband because she is supposed to consult with him in most things (forgetting her last was probably just from nervousness at meeting with the family). Most of her actions were based on her culture. She did everything by the book--if she were in the Philippines & meeting her husband's family for the first time. My advice--give her the benefit of the doubt. Most Filipinas turn out to be very good wives & mothers. I think your son probably saw a "gem" of a partner & went for it.
50% of the marriages fail. When you add the dilemma of cultural differences, it's even a greater gamble. Sorry, but I can just see your son in divorce court within the next 5 years. Smart men--foolish choices.
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