Phone Messages Lost in Translation
I don't know why I even have an answering machine on my phone. At least once a week, I get one of these:The quiet-talker: Someone with a mouse-like voice that whispers the message into your phone. This often requires you to play the message back repeatedly at full volume.
The fast-talker: The person that gives a relatively clear and detailed message up until the phone number; where it is said rapidly and with a slurred voice, not unlike an auctioneer. Thank goodness for Caller ID, unless of course, they have blocked their number.
The foreign accent: One of my best friends is from Egypt. He has lived in the U.S. for over two decades, but yet his accent is so strong on the phone, that I swear he is speaking Arabic. I have yet to be able to interpret his phone messages.
The long-talker: My wife's friends love to fill up the entire buffer of the digital answering machine with their one message. These messages can literally last ten minutes or more. When my wife calls them back, they will repeat their message.
The short talker: "Hey, it's me. Call me back." These are usually from my friends.
The cell phone dropped calls: "Guess what? My wife just had a (blank) yesterday! Give me a call right away. I am at (blank). Okay, bye."
Written messages - Lost in Translation:
Several years ago, I had a sweet, young receptionist in our family practice clinic that clearly missed most of her English classes in school. Her spelling was absolutely terrible. Her name is Renee. Maybe you know her? I saved some of the more interesting pink, written phone messages that I would like to share with you. These are the entire, actual messages that I received (I still have the originals to prove it):
"Patient has a bowl on the outside of her vagina; has a question on it."
"Coughing and weeping three days now."
"Worm again. Please advise."
"Needs Rx for Quail. Found some bugs."
"Pulling on ears for two days. Also has a horse voice."
"Wants to come."
"Baby pick up dog stools and put them in her mouth. Mother is worried about worms."
"Child pushed a One-A-Day vitamin up her nose this AM."
"Has termites and going crazy. Wants a tranquilizer."
"Wants to be seen for Vag. Pollocks"
"Boy Scouts of America (not asking for a donation)"
"Hell"
"Puss in eye."
"About medication. Deceased."
"Passed away Tuesday morning. They were told she left instructions with you to dispose of her remains."
"Bitten on the hand by a Sea Gull after leaving the clinic this morning."
"Feels rotten."
"Wants referral to a Gym. Wants to get pregnant. Please advise."
"Has appt. for pap smear. Wants to know if she can have sex before her appt. Call her at work. Ask for the restaurant."
"Brused in the croach."
"Call mother. Her son, Jason, is either ignoring her, or is deaf."
"Our bird is sick."
"Medication makes her feel like a zombie."
"Thinks she swallowed a staple a few minutes ago."
"Side affected with BC pills."
"Wife called. Want to ask you about a gravity machine."
"Mother wants to know if it is okay for Melissa to wail until the 21st."
"She hasn't been able to go #2 for two weeks. Stomach is blowed. She would like to talk to you."
"Was stabbed in neck by sister with ink pen. Mother concerned."
"Pumps are getting worse. She has a sore on the tang."
"Regarding her female parts."
"Wants to know what she is supposed to do. She called yesterday about trying to get pregnant."
"Black tongue. Piece falling off."
"Billy Rubin. 10.5"
"Need to know his blood type. He is going on mission for the Moron Church."
"Needs results of school samples."
"Has infection or fucus on both arms."
"Cave in on breast for one month. Breast odd shape."
"Access on bottom. Has a big head on it."
"Sandra canceled Willy's appt. Didn't want to waste gas."
"Re: Test for pubic hair."
When you leave a message for your medical provider, please be advised that there may be something lost in translation. About 25 years ago, my wife and I were teaching Self-Care classes for the community -- showing people how to use common medical instruments and to take a more active role in their own medical care. There was a story about our class in the newspaper that was of great interest to California Govenor Jerry Brown. He called our office to get more information about the class. Not only did they not put the call through to me, they took a routine message and spent the entire afternoon trying to find his "medical chart". I finally got the message a few days later with the "unable to find chart" stamp on it. I never did get in touch with Governor Brown, so he missed the class.
Related Topics:
Technorati Tags: healthcare, medical practice, humor, communication, telephone, message
12 Comments:
I am a fast talker, but I always make sure I try and talk slower when I am leaving a message for my doctor. After reading this I am definatly going to try a lot harder. Thanks for the post!
Oh I like to talk and talk and talk....... until I hear the beep, then I'll call back to finsh my sentence.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm laughing and I can't stop!! Love the insanely funny 'messages' taken by Renee.
I thought the messages were funny. How can I send them to my CMA teachers?
I'm terrible at spelling, also. Took me a while to understand some of these !
Sylvia:
Click the little mail icon below the post and you can email it to whoever you'd like.
I certainly understand where you are coming from. I get a lot of orders like those messages whn I'm trying to take care of people in the hospital. People know what they mean, but they don't understand the reader can't read their mind.
Funny, yes. But medical office staff should be able to take more accurate written messages. They should also know how to spell properly.
I make a conscious effort to leave brief, understandable phone messages. It annoys me that others are not considerate enough to do the same. If caller ID shows that the caller's # is blocked I don't answer those calls. If those people have left a message with their # I still don't call them back. If they have my number I should have the one from which they are calling.
I work for a group of physicians - and this made me laugh out loud!!! Thank you so much - your blog is so entertaining. And may I just say that I am feeling extra efficient after reading Renee's message slips?
I am Russian. This summer i was in Russia. One evening they had some Chuck Norris movie. Chuck tells his associate on the plane to go to the toilet (to check out a passenger sitting in front). She jokingly asks, "Number one or number two?) The translator repeats in Russian, "Should I go to the toilet number one or number two?"
That's what I call lost in translation!
I worked as an EMT for a private ambulance company. The boss's girlfriend was our receptionist/dispatcher. One day she took a request to transport a "comma toast" patient. I swear I wet my pants laughing!
Post a Comment