More of the 8,765 Reasons Why I Do Not Like Christmas

I know that I am not going to get to all of my reasons for disliking Christmas, but as the holiday approaches, I feel obligated to get some of the more important ones off of my chest.

Reason Number 46: Chinese Lead-tainted Toys

This is partly our own fault. In the toy companies ongoing efforts to lower manufacturing costs, they have out-sourced nearly all toy making to countries that pay their workers nearly nothing. While it is noble to employ these poor people that need to feed, clothe, and house their families, you have got to expect that the Chinese companies are looking for ways to lower their costs, too. The result? Toys are being made using potentially contaminated, recycled materials and painted with cheapest (and most dangerous) lead-based paint. Why should the Chinese factory owner's care? Their children will not be playing with these American strange toys. I know, since Chinese kids have high IQs and can do calculus in their heads. Every day, I see a growing list of lead-contaminated toys made by our friends overseas. Thank you soooo much for these little gifts. I guess nuclear war is much too overt now, so maybe there is some clandestine group of foreign nationalists trying to poison us one kid at time. Maybe if kids drop a few IQ points a year, it will add up in a few generations.

Lead is really toxic. Chronic lead exposures can cause serious brain damage. I should know; I used to play with it. I would melt it down to make fishing sinkers; ammunition for sling shots, and whatever. Our house was painted with lead-based paint, but I did not feel the desire to munch on it (at least to my memory). We had lead-based gasoline in our cars. Lead...lead...everywhere. Of course, this was Appalachia, so it was okay.

Reason Number 91: Dangerous, Killer Toys
Our children have all grown up, but we have grandchildren to think about. As a kid, I did not get many gifts from my mother, but I had a hand-me-down Erector Set with little parts that could cause me to choke; little nuts and bolts I could put in my nose; sharp objects that could poke my eye out; and an electric motor that could electrocute me. None of that happened and none of my friends walked around with one eye, a hoarse voice, and fried fingers.

I had hand-me-down Lincoln Logs - a construction set made of wood, or I used Mom's wooden clothes pins to create some awesome forts. I had a sandbox that I shared with the neighbor's cat. I built model cars and airplanes and did not sniff the glue (intentionally). I cleaned my paint brushes in gasoline and did not catch the house on fire. I was once given a chemistry set, complete with an alcohol lamp and instructions on how to build a variety of homemade bombs. I built them. As a older child, I build rockets, including some that I modified to deliver those homemade bombs.

I had army men, tanks, and all sorts of toy military weapons to role-play. It was fun. Good God! I was a terrorist! I had no idea.

I recently bought some cool tents for our pediatric waiting room: a giraffe, a zebra, and a shark. The kids loved them. They were easy to decontaminate and clean, and it gave the kids something to do while waiting to be seen. They lasted four days. Apparently, they did not have a high enough fire retardant to be considered safe for our waiting room. Although I argued that we discouraged campfires and did not allow the children to smoke, I had to remove them. Can you believe it! They are about the only thing that I could find that did not potentially contain lead. Yes, they were Chinese.

Reasons Number 167: Live Trees

What is Christmas without a live, freshly-cut tree? Safer and more-ecological. While I kind of like the smell of pine and enjoy picking sap off of my hands, and dumping gallons of water into the tree stand (spilling most of it), picking sharp pine needles out of my bare feet, and live in fear that this soon-to-be-dried out tree will burst into flame, I am partial to the artificial tree. My wife talked me into agreeing to buy a very expensive artificial tree a few years ago at the end of the season. She claimed that the high cost of the tree would be amortized over the years to save a lot of money. She claimed that it would be safer, easier to put up each year, and always look nice. I gave in. After about three years, she tried to sneak in a live tree again. We had a fight and now it is referred to as "The Year Without a Christmas Tree". I now see the artificial tree sitting in the big green bag in our living room. Welcome back.

When we first got married, we did have a live tree - one that was freshly cut in July. She dug out these antique aluminum candle holders that were suppose to hold lit candles on the tree. What! There is no way I would allow this to happen, but I did agree to about ten minutes of this madness, while I stood there armed with a garden hose. After the agreed upon ten minutes of lit candles, she blew them out. "See, it wasn't dangerous." Yeah, right. Now, let's also try turning off the curling iron once in a while...

Reason Number 288: Gift-wrapping and unwrapping

Another way to save a tree would be to cut down on gift wrapping. We (When I say "we", am referring to my wife) used to spend hours and hours wrapping presents, only to have them rapidly destroyed in minutes by the kids. Now that the kids are older, if I do get a gift, it is rarely wrapped. I have received many gifts in the store bag, wrapped in newspaper, and even in a pillowcase (They needed the pillowcase back). It is the thought that counts. Wrapping a pretty gift takes a lot of time and skill. Apparently, the scotch or black electrical tape is not suppose to show, the ribbon and bow are supposed to match, and the entire box is supposed to be covered in one piece of paper (not patched). This is way too complicated for men.

Another frustrating aspect about wrapped gifts involves the people that take their time. They carefully try to remove the tape without tearing the paper. The carefully fold the paper like they are going to save it and use it next year on someone else's gift (they never do). They save the bow (those are recycled, of course). They carefully study the cardboard box for the proper opening. They open the box and unfold that white tissue stuff. They hold up the shirt or whatever. Everyone is supposed to go say, "Ooooooo."

Reason Number 1,679: Gift Cards and Certificates.

People give and receive a lot of gift cards. You can buy them at the grocery store for gasoline, Starbucks, plane tickets, Borders books, Home Depot, or Urgent Care facilities. Some have the amount written prominently on the card so you can express your gratitude appropriately; some have it carefully hidden. Sometime after Christmas, if you don't accidentally throw them away still in the card or with the wrapping paper, you try and use it. You buy seventy bucks worth of books at Borders and happily hand them the card. "That will be $60 more, please."

People used to give money, but that can be so tacky. When my grandmother was alive she used to give all of the grandchildren a card with a dime and a stick of gum. We would immediately chew the gum and pocket the dime. Our Mom would eventually get the dime when she washed our pants.

Related Topics:

• PROJECT GOOD HEART: Teaching Your Kids the True Spirit of the Holidays
• 'Tis The Season...To Be Safe!

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