When You Look Like Santa

I didn't always look like Santa. In the beginning of my adulthood, I was skinny, blond, and had no facial hair. As a matter of fact, I could have passed for an elf. Not anymore. Look at my picture on this board. What do you think?

"Santa-izing" (the process of turning into Santa) was not a quick process. In the 70's, I grew a mustache and had long (brown) hair, fitting in well with the ex-hippies of Marin Country, CA. Because I was in my early twenties when I started seeing patients, nearly all of my internal medicine clientele was older. The mustache made me feel and look older. Before long, I started to get a little gray; salt and pepper like. This helped me look even more mature. An older, more mature-looking medical provider presents an aura of wisdom and experience. I decided to grow a beard, not something that I could have accomplished in my twenties. Less than ten years later, after a few kids, the hair was all gray, and the belly increased in size do to my work-related inactivity (and lunches provided by the pharmaceutical companies).

Before I hit the big five-zero (six years ago), my hair turned all white, making me look like I was the big six-zero. Everyone assumes that I was older than my wife. To set the record straight, she is five years older than me. I remind her of that fact constantly. Along with my snow-white hair, came some additional maldistributed belly weight. I had become Santa.

I played Santa for the first time when our kids were little. I would suit-up, sneak into the house. I would make enough Santa-noises that they would creep around trying to see if Santa really existed. The little ones already knew that; the older ones kind of freaked out about this vindication. For several years, I would be one of about sixty Santas in a local charitable organization that delivered gifts to some of the more unfortunate families in our area. Of all of my life's experiences, this one really warmed my usual Christmas-disliking soul.

Seven years ago, I limited my practice to pediatrics. Not only can I have fun with the kids, I got tired of adults whining all of the time. You expect kids to whine, but not adults. Kids are really great, and I love their spirit and quasi-honesty. Since we have over a dozen medical providers in the office, many new patients forget who they saw at the previous visit. This is not a problem for me. They simply tell the receptionist that they saw the guy who looks like Santa.

Just the other day, out of the clear blue, a child interrupted my medical history by blurting out, "Hey, You are Santa!" We give up sugar-free lollipops to the kids, and it is commonplace for someone to answer, "Thank you, Santa." At Christmastime, looking like Santa has its advantages. However, not all children like Santa, remembering those terrifying events sitting on his lap at the mall.

When you examine little children, you do have to get them naked. Unlike most adults, kids are really cool about not wearing clothes. We often see unbridled streaking down our hallways. Part of a complete examination involves the genital exam. I suspect that someday, one of my former pediatric patients will have a mental flashback on his psychiatrist's couch recalling the time that Santa checked his weenie.

If I had the time, I would definitely volunteer more as Santa. I tried growing my white beard longer this year, but it made me look really old...like 90! If I am lucky enough to reach ninety someday, I will be pleased, but I sure do not want to look that age in my fifties.

I have to work on my Santa voice. I've got the "Ho...Ho...Ho" down pat, but my fake Santa voice is reminiscent of Tarzan/Frankenstein/Tonto. I consider myself naturally jolly. My belly does shake a bit. This is why I avoid jogging. I don't mind if a child pees on my lap. Urine is sterile and warm - no big deal. I like teasing and pleasing little children. Basically, I could be a pretty damn good Santa (if I remember not to say "damn".)

Of the thousands of reasons that I do not like Christmas, looking like Santa is not one of them. I would much rather look like Santa than the Tooth Fairy, Uncle Sam, the Easter Bunny or, God-forbid...the Boogyman.

Related Topics:

• WebMD Video: Tips for Letting Your Kids in on the Santa Secret
• PROJECT GOOD HEART: Teaching Your Kids the True Spirit of the Holidays

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