Let it snow...let it snow (somewhere else)

There was a time in my youth that I welcomed snow. We built forts, snowmen (and snow women!), had serious snowball fights, and of course rode sleds. Growing up in rural Pennsylvania, we had an ample winter season with lots of snow. Sudden snow storms meant "no school", so we would sit glued to the radio listening for our school name as one that would be closed. Sometime we were lucky, and other times, we had to trudge off to the bus.

Even when I was in college undergraduate years, we had snow days. At least once per year, the college would officially announce that all classes would be canceled and the Snow Carnival would begin. We would head for the dining hall, eat a quick breakfast, and steal the trays. In front of Old Main was one hellava steep hill (All hills in West Virginia meet this broad category) that we would slide down. It was simple. You sat on your cafeteria tray and prayed. Fortunately, this was a Baptist college called Alderson-Broaddus, so prayer usually worked.

Traying (our term) was an art. Skinny people seemed to fit those trays easily. The more ample people would use a tray under each buttock. Our college seemed to have a large proportion of "two-tray" people. As the day progressed, the traying course became more hazardous with ramps, exposed rocks, beer bottles, etc. I nearly killed one of my best friends...

We needed a ramp. We found a sheet of plywood that would suffice, so I decided to slide a 3/4 inch piece of heavy plywood down the hill toward my friend, Hally. Hally, of course, was going to catch it. As the plywood quickly picked up speed, it also picked up 3-4 feet of air. It rose high enough to smack him square in the forehead. He dropped and I thought he was dead for sure. Fortunately, Hally was only unconscious due to a concussion. At least it didn't hit him in the groin. Once he was released from the ER, we continued our winter festivities, that included snow ball fights and snow sculpturing. Hally is alive and well today without any detectable brain damage - an assessment that could be disputed by others. When I saw him a few months ago, he seemed..."okay".

Rural West Virginia in the 70's was not the most exciting place on Earth. Bored students can come up with some pretty unique snow sculptures. Many would have shocked Maplethorpe, and did shock the conservative ultra-Christian student population. Baptist schools frown on snow nudity, snow pornography, and displays of artistic expression and irreverence, such as a six-foot-tall hand flipping the bird.

Snow remained on campus for months, providing ample ammunition for random acts of violence. A day did not go by without a snowball (usually 70% ice/slush; 30% dirt) flying by your head, or worse - hitting your head. Knocking off someone's hat resulted in the highest accolades. Hitting someone from a distance, through an open doorway, was also cause for celebration. We once rolled up a huge ball of dirty snow about four feet in diameter, carried it up six flights of steps, and rolled into someone's closet. It remained, unnoticed, in the clutter of his room for days as it slowly melted. Gino was not the most observant of fellows.

Gino was also famous for his clumsiness. He fell nearly every day and his pants always had layers of mud on them. He fell so predictably that we often would bet on when it would happen. A half-dozen men would huddle at a window, exchanging dollars, as Gino would walk up a snowy path. A minute or so later, Gino would slide down the hill, books and papers scattering. In the distance, cheers and high-fives could be heard. We were so starved for decent entertainment.

I am not a big fan of driving in the snow. As a college student, we would think nothing of piling in a few dozen guys in a car with bald tires, and head off to some remote destination. I once spent three hours (with another guy) in the trunk of a car (the only place with enough room) on a mission to locate Danny (now a minister in Kansas) who was broken down somewhere. Once he was found, we got back in the trunk and headed back to campus. In retrospect, when I look back on those carefree days, I wonder how I even survived.

Yesterday, it snowed at our house - about two inches -- a "dusting" compared to the blizzards I have seen. It has been 35 years since my teenage days in college and I have absolutely no desire of sliding down a hill on a cookie sheet. I will leave those experiences to our grandchildren.

Related Topics:

• Preparing Your Family for Winter Weather
• 10 Ways to Burn Off Holiday Calories

Technorati Tags: snow, winter

Christmas is Over (sort of)

It was Christmas Eve. Within minutes, the wild frenzy of unwrapping was over. Three grandchildren sat partially hidden in a mound of torn paper, ribbons, bows, and packing material looking at their loot. Santa was generous this year, as always, regardless of past behaviors or continuous weeks being on the infamous Naughty List.

The 14-year old pocketed her cash and gift cards and retreated to her room to add it up. The nine-year ripped into a box containing a delicate remote control helicopter, losing a few critical parts in the process. Two adult men quickly commandeered the jury-rigged helicopter to "test it out". Hours later, the nine-year old was still waiting for his turn. In the background, a Tickle Me Elmo was having some sort of seizure and psychotic episode. The two-year patiently waited, playing in a cardboard box, while his stuff was being assembled. Mumbles of parental obscenities could be heard over the background drone of Christmas music. The mood of the room was high, but in a few, short hours; some of those expensive toys and the mood of the room would be broken. After 365 days of waiting, Christmas was over even before it officially began.

Because our adult children had other commitments, we had about three little pre-Christmases this year. Most of the kids came for a dinner four days before. My wife bought the biggest chunk of meat that you can imagine - a pricey ten pound filet tail. After systematically trimming and marinating this carnivorous treat, I seared it on the barbeque; monitored carefully with my new digital meat thermometer. I must say that it came out perfect. Not unlike a pack of lions engaged in feeding frenzy on the African plains, this beautiful cut of meat disappeared before my eyes. The only thing missing was vultures circling overhead. My dreams of having leftovers vanished. I wiped away a tiny tear.

On Christmas day, we were alone (but not lonely). We slept in, had our morning coffee, and went to the movies in the afternoon - a very low-key day. We made a big pot of homemade soup which we shared with our two dogs. Christmas day at the theater was surprisingly busy - I couldn't even find a convenient parking space. Apparently, other families needed to get out of the house, too. The line at the snack bar was out the door; only two teens were working behind the counter. According to the apologetic manager, four others called in "sick". Although illnesses tend to be more prevalent this time of year, so is calling in sick when you are not. It was okay, though. I am not a big fan of paying $6.50 for ten cents worth of popcorn; and another $6.00 for two small bottles of water. I don't care how much a person can afford it, overpriced movie treats are just wrong!

On December 26th, I was back to work. This morning, it was non-stop upper respiratory infections, a few ear infections, and upset tummies. There were two worried-well children (kids who are basically well, but their parents are worried that they will become sick in the next few days). I checked my schedule for the afternoon, and I see at least three orthopedic injuries. I am guessing, but I suspect a new skateboard, trampoline, or the infamous bike/homemade ramp combination may have been involved.

Many families are still on vacation, heading off to Disneyland or destinations unknown. Today is my day off and I have been requested to pick up my grandson (the nine-year old) to spend the weekend. I have visions of getting him to help take down decorations, stack firewood, etc.), but I know that won't happen. I will end up going to the movies again to see one of the many kid flicks, spend twenty bucks on movie food and video games, and then fall asleep during the film (I actually do this!). UPS finally delivered my wife's Christmas gift today. The package looked like they drug it behind the truck for about six miles. It was ripped open and rattled. Fortunately, customer service will make it good. A new one will be delivered soon; perhaps tossed out of a plane onto my driveway.

Related Topics:

• WebMD Video: Post-Holiday Blues
• WebMD Video: New Year's Resolutions

Technorati Tags:
christmas, holiday, gifts, aftermath

All images courtesy of Rod Moser, PA, PhD

Ten Medical Myths Debunked - Part Two

This is the second Blog installment about common medical myths that I encounter in my primary care practice. When confronted by these myths, it often takes me longer to debunk them than it does for the entire medical visit. In this instance, education is much better than medication.

Myth #6: Head Lice Can Jump and/or Fly

Head lice crawl and scurry about on your scalp, but they do not jump tall buildings in a single bound or fly faster than a locomotive. Head lice are spread by direct contact with someone that has them. They can live for a very short time on objects, like combs, brushes, clothing, hats, or upholstery. Like vampires, they need blood to live, so unless they find a host head to take up housekeeping, they will die. Lice have a very short life cycle, so they do not have the time to be picky about their residence. They have to eat, breed, lay eggs, and die in the span of a month. Lice do not adhere to social barriers and will freely live on anyone's head. Although they are high on the Yuck Scale, head lice are really harmless, eating and pooping very little. When I inform someone that they (or their children) have head lice, they would rather have me tell them they have cancer. While head lice are becoming more and more resistant to the insecticides that we use on them, they can still be controlled...and cured.

Myth #7: Sitting on Cold Cement Causes Hemorrhoids

This one surprised me. As a teenager, I was visiting my girlfriend. Without warning, her mother rushed out of the house, made me stand up, and she placed a few layers of newspaper between my butt and the cold cement steps. Thinking she was keeping my pants clean, I thanked her. Years later, I discovered that she was protecting me from hemorrhoids. For some crazy, ethnic or folk reason, she firmly believed that the cold, cold cement would pop out some serious piles. I am not sure who told her that myth. Since I never developed hemorrhoids, maybe she was right.

Myth #8: Acne is caused by Eating Chocolate, Eating Junk Food, and Drinking Sodas

The severity of acne is often in the mind of the beholder. As a teenager, I felt that I had severe acne. My mother informed me that it was because I ate candy and drank Coca-Cola. I believed her until medical school, when I discovered that she was just trying to keep me from drinking her Coke. Acne is caused by raging adolescent hormones that cause oil glands to over-secrete and clog. It is not caused by fast food, junk food, or soft drinks. It is also not caused by a lack of personal hygiene.

Myth #9: Autism is caused by the MMR vaccine

I have posted well over 200 Blog entries in the last few years, but by far, the most controversial Blog post that I have ever done involved autism and the MMR (measles - mumps - rubella) vaccine. There are some very militant, opinionated, and passionate people out there that swear that the MMR vaccine is the smoking gun for autism. Numerous, large, well-designed, scientific studies in several countries have totally vindicated the vaccine, but the Dance of Misinformation continues. Once wrong information hits the Internet, it takes on a bizarre life of its own.

Deep down inside, I feel that people have the right to not have vaccines, but I am more concerned about public health. As more and more people stop vaccinating, we will be back where we started. These are not fun diseases. Among the many complications, measles can cause meningitis and deafness; mumps can cause sterility; and rubella (German measles) causes extremely serious congenital anomalies. No one really knows what causes autism. It is not the MMR. I hope that a cause(s) is discovered. If you want to read some of those 150 plus comments, click here.

Myth #10: Masturbation leads to Insanity, Blindness, and Eternal Damnation

As a collector of antique medical instruments, books, and nostrums, I have been fascinated by reading some of the home medical books published at the turn of the last century. Male masturbation has always been interpreted as a sin by many religions. Apparently, pleasuring oneself was a definite one-way ticket to insanity (and Hell). As a teenager, masturbation was linked to a decrease in visual acuity, namely blindness. Because I wore glasses since fifth grade, I was a marked boy. I didn't know anyone who was blind at that time, but I was sure he would have been a prolific masturbator -- a master masturbator. One of my old home medical texts (Dr. Foote's Home Medical Advisor, circa 1908) shows a drawing of normal testicles. Right next to it, is a drawing of testicles, resembling beef jerky, apparently ravaged by masturbation. One of the main reasons male circumcision became so popular in the last hundred years in the United States was the belief that circumcision would prevent, or at least limit, masturbation. Yeah, that worked. Masturbation may be linked to insanity - there are sure a lot of guys who are crazy about it.

Related Topics:

• Ten Medical Myths Debunked - Part One
• 5 Common Myths About Pain and Pain Relief
• Top 9 Fitness Myths -- Busted!

Technorati Tags: top 10, list, autism, head lice, sexuality, health, wellness

All photos courtesy of Rod Moser, PA, PhD

Ten Medical Myths Debunked - Part One

What constitutes a medical myth? A myth is an untruth; not really a lie, but a story that has no medical validity. Thanks to the Internet, medical untruths develop a life of their own. Regardless of the source, there are some people that believe virtually anything they read or hear about.

Some myths are created generations ago by some well-meaning grandparent. The grandparent tells the child. When the child becomes a mother, she will tell the story to her child; and the dance continues. Some medical myths have deep cultural routes. Invisible germs (viruses, bacteria, etc.) cause most of our illnesses, but some cultures do not believe in these microorganisms. In many cultures, diseases are caused by spirits. In other cultures, diseases are caused by environmental incidents, like cold air or wet hair. Even bathing was felt to be a cause of illness in generations past.

Myth #1: Colds are caused by Cold Weather

It is true that we get more colds when the weather is cold, but this is because we are spending more time inside with people that are ill. Colds are caused by easily-transmitted viruses as soon as 12 hours after exposure. Since people are contagious a day before they know they are sick, they can spread their infection to innocent contacts. Changes in air temperature, such as going from a warm building to the cold outside, does not cause illnesses (although there has been few studies that dispute this). Going outside with wet hair does not cause colds. Sleeping in a drafty location does not cause colds. Contact with people cause colds. The Inuits along the Arctic Circle get considerably less colds than people who work in crowded offices with little or no ventilation.

Myth #2: The flu vaccine causes the Flu

Most flu vaccines (the injectable ones) are killed viral snippets -- not complete viruses capable of causing the illness it is designed to prevent. If you get sick a day or so after getting the flu vaccine, you would most likely have been sick anyway. However, you may have even been exposed to influenza while sitting in the waiting room or standing in line to get your vaccine. Although it would seem logical to blame the vaccine -- the last thing that you did -- the vaccine does not cause the flu. There is one live, attenuated (weakened) flu vaccine called FluMist that could theoretically cause a mild case of influenze. This vaccine is sprayed up your nose and is not injected. Any flu vaccine is far from perfect. Since viruses can mutate and change, it is still possible to get a strain of influenza that is not covered by any of the vaccines.

Myth #3: Fevers are Dangerous and Cause Brain Damage

In most cases, fevers under 105 are not dangerous. Normal fevers of this nature do not cause brain damage, although sudden high fevers can cause hallucinations or even a febrile seizure. Fever is a sign that your body is fighting off an infection of some sort. It could be a minor viral infection (such as roseola that can cause three days of high fevers in children) or something more serious, like meningitis or pneumonia. It does behoove us to find the source of a fever whenever possible. In parts of the world where diseases like measles, cholera, typhoid, or malaria are commonplace, fevers were highly-feared as a sign of something ominous. Your grandparents may remember the days before antibiotics (1935), where simple bacterial illness like Strep throat, ear infections, or urinary tract infections actually killed people. Although frightening, fevers are more therapeutic than dangerous. Fevers should not be feared, but rather welcomed as a sign that your body is fighting off infection and do not require treatment.

Myth #4: Green Mucous Means an Antibiotic is Needed

Mucous becomes green when it stagnates. While this could indicate some bacterial action, it does not necessarily mean that you need an antibiotic. Just like a stream that flows into a pond -- as long as there is a good flow of fluid, the water will remain clear. If the water flow stops, either entering the pond or going out, the water will stagnate and turn green. Persistent green mucous is another story. This could indicate a sinus infection. If a toddler or young child has green mucous coming out the nose on just ONE SIDE, this may be an organic foreign body. In other words, we have to look for peas, green beans, peanuts, or any number of food items that children sometimes stick up their noses.

Myth #5: Poison Oak/Ivy is Highly Contagious

Poison oak/ivy is not just a summer time affliction -- it can happen anytime of the year. The oleoresin that causes the itchy skin reaction is very stable. You can find it on fireplace logs, sticks without the characteristic leaves, or even on the fur of your pets. Oleoresin can remain on contaminated clothes and shoes. An innocent person who washes your clothes can be exposed. This is probably why people assume the contact was the person, not one of these objects. It is this oleoresin that is the irritant; not the people who have it. I once had a patient who told me that her husband was sleeping on an army cot in the garage; eating on paper plates because she did not want to catch his poison oak. It takes a day or so from the time of contact before a person starts getting those Rhus blisters. Assuming that they had a shower in the previous day or so, the oleoresin is no longer on their skin. They can sleep inside with the rest of the people.

More to come...

Related Topics:

• Ten Medical Myths Debunked - Part Two
• 5 Common Myths About Pain and Pain Relief
• Top 9 Fitness Myths -- Busted!

Technorati Tags: medical myths, list, top 10, colds, flu, poison oak, health, wellness

All photos courtesy of Rod Moser, PA, PhD

When You Look Like Santa

I didn't always look like Santa. In the beginning of my adulthood, I was skinny, blond, and had no facial hair. As a matter of fact, I could have passed for an elf. Not anymore. Look at my picture on this board. What do you think?

"Santa-izing" (the process of turning into Santa) was not a quick process. In the 70's, I grew a mustache and had long (brown) hair, fitting in well with the ex-hippies of Marin Country, CA. Because I was in my early twenties when I started seeing patients, nearly all of my internal medicine clientele was older. The mustache made me feel and look older. Before long, I started to get a little gray; salt and pepper like. This helped me look even more mature. An older, more mature-looking medical provider presents an aura of wisdom and experience. I decided to grow a beard, not something that I could have accomplished in my twenties. Less than ten years later, after a few kids, the hair was all gray, and the belly increased in size do to my work-related inactivity (and lunches provided by the pharmaceutical companies).

Before I hit the big five-zero (six years ago), my hair turned all white, making me look like I was the big six-zero. Everyone assumes that I was older than my wife. To set the record straight, she is five years older than me. I remind her of that fact constantly. Along with my snow-white hair, came some additional maldistributed belly weight. I had become Santa.

I played Santa for the first time when our kids were little. I would suit-up, sneak into the house. I would make enough Santa-noises that they would creep around trying to see if Santa really existed. The little ones already knew that; the older ones kind of freaked out about this vindication. For several years, I would be one of about sixty Santas in a local charitable organization that delivered gifts to some of the more unfortunate families in our area. Of all of my life's experiences, this one really warmed my usual Christmas-disliking soul.

Seven years ago, I limited my practice to pediatrics. Not only can I have fun with the kids, I got tired of adults whining all of the time. You expect kids to whine, but not adults. Kids are really great, and I love their spirit and quasi-honesty. Since we have over a dozen medical providers in the office, many new patients forget who they saw at the previous visit. This is not a problem for me. They simply tell the receptionist that they saw the guy who looks like Santa.

Just the other day, out of the clear blue, a child interrupted my medical history by blurting out, "Hey, You are Santa!" We give up sugar-free lollipops to the kids, and it is commonplace for someone to answer, "Thank you, Santa." At Christmastime, looking like Santa has its advantages. However, not all children like Santa, remembering those terrifying events sitting on his lap at the mall.

When you examine little children, you do have to get them naked. Unlike most adults, kids are really cool about not wearing clothes. We often see unbridled streaking down our hallways. Part of a complete examination involves the genital exam. I suspect that someday, one of my former pediatric patients will have a mental flashback on his psychiatrist's couch recalling the time that Santa checked his weenie.

If I had the time, I would definitely volunteer more as Santa. I tried growing my white beard longer this year, but it made me look really old...like 90! If I am lucky enough to reach ninety someday, I will be pleased, but I sure do not want to look that age in my fifties.

I have to work on my Santa voice. I've got the "Ho...Ho...Ho" down pat, but my fake Santa voice is reminiscent of Tarzan/Frankenstein/Tonto. I consider myself naturally jolly. My belly does shake a bit. This is why I avoid jogging. I don't mind if a child pees on my lap. Urine is sterile and warm - no big deal. I like teasing and pleasing little children. Basically, I could be a pretty damn good Santa (if I remember not to say "damn".)

Of the thousands of reasons that I do not like Christmas, looking like Santa is not one of them. I would much rather look like Santa than the Tooth Fairy, Uncle Sam, the Easter Bunny or, God-forbid...the Boogyman.

Related Topics:

• WebMD Video: Tips for Letting Your Kids in on the Santa Secret
• PROJECT GOOD HEART: Teaching Your Kids the True Spirit of the Holidays

Technorati Tags: Santa, Christmas, pediatrics

Birthdays During the Holiday Season

There is nothing more distressing for children than birthdays that coincide with gift-giving holidays, like Christmas. Birthdays are supposed to be a special day, but when they fall on or near Christmas, kids often feel that they are being cheated. As much as we reminded our friends and relatives that there should not be combination Christmas/Birthday gifts, it always happened.
Two of my children were born around Christmas: one on the 22nd and one on the 30th. I was thrilled that both were born before January 1st so that I could claim them on my income tax, however, this did create a future issue. Both children are adults now, and they still feel cheated because their birthdays have continued to be diluted.

When the kids are younger, birthday parties are the highlight of their year. Having their friends over to go crazy, playing games or having sleep-overs is next to impossible at Christmas. People often travel at this time and have many other commitments, so dragging them off for birthday parties are not high priorities for other parents. He tried having them anyway. It was usually cold or raining outside, so the kids ran amok in the house. One year, a little boy tried walking across an in-ground spa covered with a floating cover. He dropped like a rock, but never let go of his bag of candy.

We tried taking the kids to party places, but many were booked for holiday events, and of course, the attendance was down due to other family commitments. We tried taking all of the kids to the movies, but most of them had seen any appropriate movie by then. Hollywood always launches some kid blockbusters at this time. We tried taking them bowling, but they always ended up in the video arcade eating quarters like pigeons in a park. One of our friends had a sleep over for pack of screaming girls at a hotel that had an inside pool. He got them an adjacent adjoining room. After numerous complaints of noise, both from the pool area and from everyone within a half-block of their room, the parents realized that this was not a good idea.

The bottom line: We had to have a second birthday. We had one biological birthday around Christmas with one or two gifts, and then another "half-birthday" six months later when they could have a real (outside) party. This seemed to solve the dilemma in most cases.

Finding the right theme for a birthday party is important. We had Pete's Dragon parties, Star Wars parties, movie parties, and baseball parties...you name it. I can't say that any of our planned kid parties were unique. Parties at remote sites, like Chuck E. Cheese or Burger King, are really for the poor planners and unimaginative. We once hauled a bevy of boys to the snow for a day of sled riding, fort building, and snow ball fights. About eight of them, piled on an inner tube, nearly killed a Japanese guy trying to take a picture. He literally flew into the air a full 360; the kids never looked back as he limped to his car and quickly left. I pretended that they were not with me. The snow ball fights often ended with injuries, and at least one of kids would poop in their snowsuits.

Parents do seem to be having competitions about who can put on the best kid party. Now, parents are taking theme parties to new extremes. Locally, we have Music Mike who will come to the party and play fun songs for the kids. Of course, there are clowns making balloon animals, or magicians. A friend of ours had a Hippie Party where the kids all made tie-tied T-shirts, danced to 70's hits, and gave each other peace signs. Hopefully, they didn't smoke candy doobies or make anti-war protest signs. Somehow, this seems to be counter to the omnipresent holiday themes.

For enough money, Batman or Spiderman can make a guest appearance, either frightening the kids, or getting comments like, "Hey, you're not the real Spiderman!" We have someone in our area that brings reptiles, such as snakes or lizards for the kids to handle. There are traveling petting zoos with goats, miniature horses, and rabbits.

Parents often rent jump houses so the kids can bang into each other and higher velocities. I know...I end up suturing many of them, or putting on those casts. If parents are lucky that no one sustains a laceration or concussion, at least one or two of them will barf all over the jump house. After you hose it out (to avoid the cleaning fee), it remains wet and basically unappealing to the kids from that point on.

Birthdays and kid parties are always challenging for parents, but it can be especially difficult during the holiday season. Remember to keep birthday gifts separate from Christmas gifts, and consider having a "half-birthday" party at another time. Don't give them a twenty dollar bill and say that ten is for your birthday and ten is for Christmas!

Related Topics:

• PROJECT GOOD HEART: Teaching Your Kids the True Spirit of the Holidays
• Parenting Tips for the Holidays

Technorati Tags: birthdays, holidays, Christmas, presents

Frequent Flyer Miles

Suppose you had a job at a store and they paid you with "special money" - money that can only be spent in their stores. There was something really special that you wanted, but you had to save this special money for a long, long time. Finally, the day came. You had saved enough of this special money to purchase this item. You go to the store and are anxious to buy it. One problem: They won't honor the special money you saved all of these years. The item is sitting on the shelf. You can see it, but they tell you they don't have it. You point out that there are several of these items; hundreds in fact. They finally acknowledge that there are hundreds of those items available, but none of them can be purchased with "special money"; only real money. Frequent flyer miles are "special money".

The last time that I used my ample mile accumulation was three years ago when I had to travel to Florida so that I could help move my mother to a nursing home. There were no cheap seats (economy class) available, so I had to use a LOT of miles to fly first-0class (not my choice - I was told that this was the only seat available). On the trip, I looked through that curtain that separates first-class from the economy class seats. There were dozens of empty seats. In some airlines, first-class IS first-class, but not this one. I just got a little bigger seat closer to the front and my meal was slightly less crappy than the one you can now buy in economy class. However, I arrived at my destination at the same time as the economy class passengers and was just as hungry.

Next summer, my wife and I would like to travel to Europe. We would like to use our frequent flyer miles. Trying to be proactive by making a reservation seven months in advance, I was told that there are no seats available in any class of service; at least none that I can purchase with my special money. If I wanted to buy two tickets or even eighty or ninety tickets, there were plenty of those seats. If it came right down to it, and I was forced to buy two tickets, I can assure you that I would not fly the same airline. I would rather swim than give any more money to an airline that does not honor their commitments...fine print or not.

I have logged over ONE MILLION miles with this airline in the last two decades. I am now considered a Gold member. Whoopee. I have over half of these frequent flyer miles available to use on this trip, but for some reason, they won't let me use them. I can fly to Toledo (Ohio, not Italy). I can fly to Paris (Kentucky, not France). I can fly to Moscow (Idaho, not Russia). Apparently, there is no way that I can use my frequent flyer miles to go where I want; let alone WHEN I want. Maybe I could eke out a ticket in the middle of the winter and just hang around Europe for five or six months until summer comes.

What should I do? Is the airline really honoring a promise? Is this the "American" way? Is this the way to treat a loyal traveler who has been a frequent flyer member for two decades?

Frequent flyer miles. Use 'em or you lose 'em. Just try and use 'em and see what happens. It didn't used to be that way, but it is that way now. Other frequent flyer rules are changing as we speak. When an airline issues "special money", they can certainly change any rules at any time on how this special money can be used. In any given year, only about ten percent (so they claim) of seats are available for those who want to use frequent flyers miles, but who really checks up on this? I suspect there may be TEN seats, not ten percent.

In 2004, a memo leaked out from American Airlines where the airline acknowledged that even on flights that are completely empty, there are no award seats available. What gives? Sure, seats may miraculously open up on these blacked-out flights - maybe a few days before departure when the airline is absolutely sure that no money-wielding passenger is not going to need one of them - but who can really plan a vacation that?

Oh, there are other tricks the airlines use to keep you from spending your "special money". Even if you are lucky enough to get one of those precious seats, there may be surcharges; fees for last minute travelers (perhaps the only ones that can use miles). Good seats are held (those coveted ones near the front) for paying passengers. Frequent flyers must go to the back of the bus near the bathroom. I once heard that Henry Kissinger said that there were only two reasons to sit in the back of the plane near the bathrooms: Either you have diarrhea, or you enjoy talking to people that do.

If I was retired and lived near a major airport that had an Admiral's Club, I would use some of my frequent flyer miles to join. I would just hang out all day...everyday...drinking the free drinks...eating the free snacks...watching TV...talking to important-looking people. I would wear some real old clothes and not be too concerned about my personal hygiene. At some point, an attendant would ask me about my departure time:

"I don't know. The airline won't honor my frequent flier miles, so I thought I would just live here for a few months until they do. Can I have some more of those doughnuts?"

Then I would sing a song, with my own special lyrics...

"I'm proud to fly on American. At least I thought for free. I spent two decades saving up miles, but I can't seem to leave this country..."

Related Topics:

• WebMD Video: Preflight Checklist for Healthy Airplane Travel
• Tips on Flight Safety Rules, Airport Security

Technorati Tags: frequent flyer, frequent flier, travel

More of the 8,765 Reasons Why I Do Not Like Christmas

I know that I am not going to get to all of my reasons for disliking Christmas, but as the holiday approaches, I feel obligated to get some of the more important ones off of my chest.

Reason Number 46: Chinese Lead-tainted Toys

This is partly our own fault. In the toy companies ongoing efforts to lower manufacturing costs, they have out-sourced nearly all toy making to countries that pay their workers nearly nothing. While it is noble to employ these poor people that need to feed, clothe, and house their families, you have got to expect that the Chinese companies are looking for ways to lower their costs, too. The result? Toys are being made using potentially contaminated, recycled materials and painted with cheapest (and most dangerous) lead-based paint. Why should the Chinese factory owner's care? Their children will not be playing with these American strange toys. I know, since Chinese kids have high IQs and can do calculus in their heads. Every day, I see a growing list of lead-contaminated toys made by our friends overseas. Thank you soooo much for these little gifts. I guess nuclear war is much too overt now, so maybe there is some clandestine group of foreign nationalists trying to poison us one kid at time. Maybe if kids drop a few IQ points a year, it will add up in a few generations.

Lead is really toxic. Chronic lead exposures can cause serious brain damage. I should know; I used to play with it. I would melt it down to make fishing sinkers; ammunition for sling shots, and whatever. Our house was painted with lead-based paint, but I did not feel the desire to munch on it (at least to my memory). We had lead-based gasoline in our cars. Lead...lead...everywhere. Of course, this was Appalachia, so it was okay.

Reason Number 91: Dangerous, Killer Toys
Our children have all grown up, but we have grandchildren to think about. As a kid, I did not get many gifts from my mother, but I had a hand-me-down Erector Set with little parts that could cause me to choke; little nuts and bolts I could put in my nose; sharp objects that could poke my eye out; and an electric motor that could electrocute me. None of that happened and none of my friends walked around with one eye, a hoarse voice, and fried fingers.

I had hand-me-down Lincoln Logs - a construction set made of wood, or I used Mom's wooden clothes pins to create some awesome forts. I had a sandbox that I shared with the neighbor's cat. I built model cars and airplanes and did not sniff the glue (intentionally). I cleaned my paint brushes in gasoline and did not catch the house on fire. I was once given a chemistry set, complete with an alcohol lamp and instructions on how to build a variety of homemade bombs. I built them. As a older child, I build rockets, including some that I modified to deliver those homemade bombs.

I had army men, tanks, and all sorts of toy military weapons to role-play. It was fun. Good God! I was a terrorist! I had no idea.

I recently bought some cool tents for our pediatric waiting room: a giraffe, a zebra, and a shark. The kids loved them. They were easy to decontaminate and clean, and it gave the kids something to do while waiting to be seen. They lasted four days. Apparently, they did not have a high enough fire retardant to be considered safe for our waiting room. Although I argued that we discouraged campfires and did not allow the children to smoke, I had to remove them. Can you believe it! They are about the only thing that I could find that did not potentially contain lead. Yes, they were Chinese.

Reasons Number 167: Live Trees

What is Christmas without a live, freshly-cut tree? Safer and more-ecological. While I kind of like the smell of pine and enjoy picking sap off of my hands, and dumping gallons of water into the tree stand (spilling most of it), picking sharp pine needles out of my bare feet, and live in fear that this soon-to-be-dried out tree will burst into flame, I am partial to the artificial tree. My wife talked me into agreeing to buy a very expensive artificial tree a few years ago at the end of the season. She claimed that the high cost of the tree would be amortized over the years to save a lot of money. She claimed that it would be safer, easier to put up each year, and always look nice. I gave in. After about three years, she tried to sneak in a live tree again. We had a fight and now it is referred to as "The Year Without a Christmas Tree". I now see the artificial tree sitting in the big green bag in our living room. Welcome back.

When we first got married, we did have a live tree - one that was freshly cut in July. She dug out these antique aluminum candle holders that were suppose to hold lit candles on the tree. What! There is no way I would allow this to happen, but I did agree to about ten minutes of this madness, while I stood there armed with a garden hose. After the agreed upon ten minutes of lit candles, she blew them out. "See, it wasn't dangerous." Yeah, right. Now, let's also try turning off the curling iron once in a while...

Reason Number 288: Gift-wrapping and unwrapping

Another way to save a tree would be to cut down on gift wrapping. We (When I say "we", am referring to my wife) used to spend hours and hours wrapping presents, only to have them rapidly destroyed in minutes by the kids. Now that the kids are older, if I do get a gift, it is rarely wrapped. I have received many gifts in the store bag, wrapped in newspaper, and even in a pillowcase (They needed the pillowcase back). It is the thought that counts. Wrapping a pretty gift takes a lot of time and skill. Apparently, the scotch or black electrical tape is not suppose to show, the ribbon and bow are supposed to match, and the entire box is supposed to be covered in one piece of paper (not patched). This is way too complicated for men.

Another frustrating aspect about wrapped gifts involves the people that take their time. They carefully try to remove the tape without tearing the paper. The carefully fold the paper like they are going to save it and use it next year on someone else's gift (they never do). They save the bow (those are recycled, of course). They carefully study the cardboard box for the proper opening. They open the box and unfold that white tissue stuff. They hold up the shirt or whatever. Everyone is supposed to go say, "Ooooooo."

Reason Number 1,679: Gift Cards and Certificates.

People give and receive a lot of gift cards. You can buy them at the grocery store for gasoline, Starbucks, plane tickets, Borders books, Home Depot, or Urgent Care facilities. Some have the amount written prominently on the card so you can express your gratitude appropriately; some have it carefully hidden. Sometime after Christmas, if you don't accidentally throw them away still in the card or with the wrapping paper, you try and use it. You buy seventy bucks worth of books at Borders and happily hand them the card. "That will be $60 more, please."

People used to give money, but that can be so tacky. When my grandmother was alive she used to give all of the grandchildren a card with a dime and a stick of gum. We would immediately chew the gum and pocket the dime. Our Mom would eventually get the dime when she washed our pants.

Related Topics:

• PROJECT GOOD HEART: Teaching Your Kids the True Spirit of the Holidays
• 'Tis The Season...To Be Safe!

Technorati Tags: Christmas, holidays, humbug, toys

The 8,765 Reasons Why I Do Not Like Christmas

Now, don't get me wrong. There are many things that I love about Christmas. I love to see excited children opening presents (from Santa, of course). I love most Christmas music. As a matter of fact, we are going to see Mannheim Steamroller next week, one of my favorite groups. I bought the new Josh Groban CD today. I like the general theme of Christmas, although most biblical historians agree that this isn't really the true birthday of Jesus, but merely the date that was decided by the early Christian church to celebrate it. I love playing Santa since I have the white beard to pull it off, although I have to work on my Santa voice a bit. For some reason, I find myself talking like Tarzan.

Yesterday in the clinic, a three year old blurted out, "Hey...you're Santa Claus."

"Yep, I answered. That's me."

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, this is just my day job."

"Then who's building those toys?"

"My elves, of course."

"Oh..."

"So, why am I seeing you today?"

"I gots bad diarrhea. Mom, too."

Unfortunately, there are about 8,765 things about Christmas that I am not too crazy about. My childhood Christmases were not that memorable. Although my mother decorated the house and we had a tree, she was not big on gift-giving. Maybe one of the reasons that I do not like getting gifts is that all of my Christmas gifts as a child were practical. There is nothing sadder than a little boy opening up a gift that contains socks and underwear. I was that little boy. I am not exaggerating; I cannot remember ever getting a toy. Granted, we were a poor family, but come on...just one toy.

Every year, I tend to have huge arguments with my wife over various Christmas issues, from spending too much to over-decorating. She is absolutely Christmas Crazy. Our tree has hundreds of ornaments, from the expensive and bizarre, to the handmade ones by the kids. We have a ceramic pickle, a big banana, lots of Noah's ark stuff, Jesus in a manger made with a clothes pin, a broken crystal unicorn (my youngest son broke about two dozen of them in a store, so we had to buy them all!), a picture in a macaroni frame, etc. She has a ceramic Santa Village (that expensive Department 56 stuff), and every known decorative item you can imagine. In a few weeks, our house will look like Macy's.

Reason Number 27: Shopping. I do not like to go shopping; especially at Christmas. I hate crowds. I hate finding a parking space, waiting in line, and spending hard-earned money on crap that people really don't need. Over the years, I have delegated all of the Christmas shopping to my wife who has no ability to control herself. Other than watch our credit card charges on-line, I get very anxious. She is a spontaneous buyer and a generous gift-giver. While it is better to give than receive; there are some definite limits in my opinion. Since we have five adult kids and three grandchildren, we tend to focus more on the little ones. My wife did get me those Mannheim Steamroller tickets this year for an early gift. Assuming the seats are good, I am not sitting behind a tall guy with Sideshow Bob hair, or next to someone with big, seat-invasive, flabby arms, I will likely enjoy the show.

Reason Number113: Gift Receiving. I do get a few gifts; not many, but a few. While I pretend to be excited, it is rare that I get something that I really want. Last year, I got a book about Richard Nixon (I never liked him), a gift certificate to a restaurant about sixty miles away (I have yet to use it), and some obscure stuff that I don't even remember. My youngest son got me a doll that farts when you pull its finger. As you can see, he inherited some of my Scroogian holiday spirit.

Reason Number 267: Putting Stuff Together. I was asked to put together two huge, lawn reindeer and a sleigh today that she found at Costco. They were made in China. Each one has about a thousand lights and has the overall quality of a coat hanger. First, the instructions were a joke. Second, the first reindeer was broke and I had to fix it with duct tape. The legs were labeled incorrectly. If I didn't know anatomy and what deer are supposed to look like, there would be no way for me to make heads or tails out of that junk. Clearly, the Chinese are not familiar with reindeer orthopedics, or they would not have put the back legs labeled as front legs. The lights on the sleigh do not work, so that one needs to head back to Costco. She intends to decorate our yard, even though house is one mile from the nearest person that could see it. Last year, she bought our grandson a huge electronic basketball game; about the size of a family car. It sat, unassembled, in my son's garage for most of the year. It is now in our garage; assembled, of course.

Reason Number 765: Christmas Weather. While some areas of the country will have their white Christmas, Northern California usually has a wet and foggy Christmas. Sometimes, for added appeal, we will have a cold wind to go along with it. I suspect the rain will short out those well-made Chinese reindeer and the wind will blow over a few more big trees that I will have to chain saw. Today is the Christmas parade in town and we are taking the grandchildren. It is now about 39 degrees with a cold wind. I will be digging out my L.L. Bean Antarctic Down jacket for the parade.

Reason Number 1,020: Television Christmas Specials. I grew up in a home that loved Perry Como, Lawrence Welk, and Bing Crosby. All of them used to have these lame Christmas specials that I would be forced to watch on our black and white television. Why? We could only get three channels. When I had children, there was the Snoopy or Frosty the Snowman specials. Now, everyone has their own Christmas specials, including the Simpsons. The day after Thanksgiving will start the endless array of these specials. At least I have more than three channels on the satellite. Maybe there will be a Bolivian soccer game or something that I can watch.

Reason Number 2,671: Being Politically Correct. Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jewish people do not. Jehovah Witnesses do not. Muslims do not. Scrooge didn't (at first). Although it is politically correct to say, "Happy Holidays" so not to offend the non-Christmas group, it does get a little old sometimes. We have close friends, and now a family member that is Jewish, so we introduced Chanukah traditions to our grandchildren. Not only did they really get in to it, one of my granddaughter's teachers thought she was Jewish and asked us if it would be okay for her to sing Christmas carols in the school play. The teacher was trying to be sensitive and politically correct.

Reason Number 2,845: Christmas Food. Thanksgiving has turkey. Christmas likes to bring out the turkey again, but most of us are tired of it by then. Christmas has candy - way too much candy. More than Halloween, if fact. People love to give candy as gifts; booze, too. I do not drink alcohol, but it is hard to turn down those chocolate-covered caramels (although many are cleverly disguised and contain yucky fruit/nut combos). Christmas gets egg nog; I get DIET egg nog. Not as good. I wife loves fruitcake, another Christmas disaster. I once considered repairing our retaining wall with a few of them. I would never even consider eating a fruitcake. No one is really sure of the age of certain fruitcakes. Many travel from house to house during the holidays as convenient re-gifts. The last one who gets the fruitcake has to save it until next year to give it back.

As I compile my list, I would like to hear from other holiday humbuggers to see what you dislike, and to be fair, I would like to hear what you really like about the Christmas, too.

Related Topics:

• How to Shake 'Holiday Gift' Anxiety
• 13 Food Gifts NOT to Give

Technorati Tags: Christmas, holidays, humbug