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When Your Kids Move Out
I have been doing college physical exams for the last several months. It is really exciting to see these young, eager kids (until they are 18!) starting their new lives. I have seen dozens of aspiring engineers, psychologists, teachers, and health care professionals getting ready for university life. Moving out to attend college is very empowering.
Their parents are proud, but they are also very anxious. For many, this is the first time they will be on their own (sort of). Some of the kids are ready. They are already independent, self-disciplined, and mature. For others, college is going to be a time to seriously par-tee! Parents worry about drugs, sex, binge drinking, and other college hazards. Recently I had a heart-to-heart discussion with a young man about tobacco use. For some unknown reason, this young man, at the height of his physical well-being, decided it was a good idea to start chewing tobacco. Bad decision. He was given my famous anti-tobacco lecture and seemed to listen. I asked him if he used seatbelts.
"Always," he said.
"If you are going to take a chance at developing mouth or throat cancer from using tobacco, you might as well not wear seatbelts either." I think I made my point.
Privately, he also admitted to occasional marijuana use, drinking, and every parent's worst nightmare - having sex. He does not use condoms because his girlfriend is on the pill.
"Ever seen her swallow one?" I asked.
"Girls who want to become pregnant will get pregnant. You may be interested in the pleasure of sex, but secretly, she may have selected you as the future father of her baby; obviously without your expressed consent." If you must have sex, use condoms; even if she is on the pill.
My old college roommate left for the Navy at the end of our first year when his girlfriend became pregnant. They married, had a beautiful little girl. He returned to finish his medical training five years later after completing his Navy obligation. Because he had one year of medical training, the Navy decided he would be a good dental hygienist. After five years of cleaning teeth, he was ready to pick up his life where he had left off.
Becoming a responsible adult does not automatically happen on your 18th birthday. It is a gradual process of trial and error; good decisions and bad decisions. It can be an endless series of mistakes before finally achieving measurable success. Success, of course, is the progressive realization of your OWN predetermined goals and objectives.
Some parents are absolutely elated that their child is moving out. I got a kick out of the television commercial where a couple is saying their goodbyes to a son, standing beside his loaded car. As he drove off to college, they high-fived each other and headed for his old bedroom, measuring it for a pool table and spa.
I vividly remember my first day at college. I was so glad to be out of my parent's house and on my own that I could have shouted aloud. I attended school on an academic and work scholarship, so I didn't need to ask anyone else for a dime. My kids, of course, asked for that dime; lots and lots of dimes. At one time, we had four in college at the same time. Now, we have one in college with two more years to go.
My daughter has been on her own for the last ten years or so; getting financial help from time to time when she needs it. This week, she informed me that she was heading for the University of Washington. Unlike the parents who are high-fiving their kid's departure, I am sad. I will miss her dearly. E-mails and phone calls are not the same as our weekly get-togethers. I love Seattle, so I guess I will be doing some traveling.
In three more years, our oldest granddaughter will be heading off to college. I know her younger brothers will be happy about that; but we will be missing her, too.
Kids grow up. Kids leave home. Some kids come back; some only visit. Such is the life of a parent.
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Their parents are proud, but they are also very anxious. For many, this is the first time they will be on their own (sort of). Some of the kids are ready. They are already independent, self-disciplined, and mature. For others, college is going to be a time to seriously par-tee! Parents worry about drugs, sex, binge drinking, and other college hazards. Recently I had a heart-to-heart discussion with a young man about tobacco use. For some unknown reason, this young man, at the height of his physical well-being, decided it was a good idea to start chewing tobacco. Bad decision. He was given my famous anti-tobacco lecture and seemed to listen. I asked him if he used seatbelts.
"Always," he said.
"If you are going to take a chance at developing mouth or throat cancer from using tobacco, you might as well not wear seatbelts either." I think I made my point.
Privately, he also admitted to occasional marijuana use, drinking, and every parent's worst nightmare - having sex. He does not use condoms because his girlfriend is on the pill.
"Ever seen her swallow one?" I asked.
"Girls who want to become pregnant will get pregnant. You may be interested in the pleasure of sex, but secretly, she may have selected you as the future father of her baby; obviously without your expressed consent." If you must have sex, use condoms; even if she is on the pill.
My old college roommate left for the Navy at the end of our first year when his girlfriend became pregnant. They married, had a beautiful little girl. He returned to finish his medical training five years later after completing his Navy obligation. Because he had one year of medical training, the Navy decided he would be a good dental hygienist. After five years of cleaning teeth, he was ready to pick up his life where he had left off.
Becoming a responsible adult does not automatically happen on your 18th birthday. It is a gradual process of trial and error; good decisions and bad decisions. It can be an endless series of mistakes before finally achieving measurable success. Success, of course, is the progressive realization of your OWN predetermined goals and objectives.
Some parents are absolutely elated that their child is moving out. I got a kick out of the television commercial where a couple is saying their goodbyes to a son, standing beside his loaded car. As he drove off to college, they high-fived each other and headed for his old bedroom, measuring it for a pool table and spa.
I vividly remember my first day at college. I was so glad to be out of my parent's house and on my own that I could have shouted aloud. I attended school on an academic and work scholarship, so I didn't need to ask anyone else for a dime. My kids, of course, asked for that dime; lots and lots of dimes. At one time, we had four in college at the same time. Now, we have one in college with two more years to go.
My daughter has been on her own for the last ten years or so; getting financial help from time to time when she needs it. This week, she informed me that she was heading for the University of Washington. Unlike the parents who are high-fiving their kid's departure, I am sad. I will miss her dearly. E-mails and phone calls are not the same as our weekly get-togethers. I love Seattle, so I guess I will be doing some traveling.
In three more years, our oldest granddaughter will be heading off to college. I know her younger brothers will be happy about that; but we will be missing her, too.
Kids grow up. Kids leave home. Some kids come back; some only visit. Such is the life of a parent.
Related Topics:
10 Comments:
This was a really good post. I am about your age, with grown children and a grandson who began his college years at Ohio State this fall. We also have grand kids as young as 1 year old.
I remember when my kids were little, I would think about the day they would leave home. It was unbearable to even think about at the time. I thought I would never be able to let my sweet little babies leave home and be away from me. But, one day they entered the teens years, and I knew God had invented those years to really prepare parents. After going through those years, the letting go is not near as hard as what we had previously convinced ourselves it would be.
Cathy, the most difficult part of all of this is that we still want to protect them. Our life experiences have made us cautious of the world out there and when we can't physically see our kids...we worry. When we call them and they do not immediately answer the phone...we worry.
We have to trust that we have prepared them well for life and that those Guardian Angels that watched them as babies...are still there, too.
when should a "child" leave home? I know someone who has attended college and graduated but still lives at home. He is 28 years old. when is it too old to be at home? he has a good job - so he would be able to afford to live on his on. I believe that mom is trying to keep him home,when is it time to leave?
When should the leave home? That is up to the parents, but certainly when they can be self-sufficient. At 28, it is time....ten years since graduating high school.
If your kids have financial or health problems, divorces, loss of a job, etc., parents are always there to provide some temporary help and housing, but when a kid keeps "hangin' on", staying in his old room, not working, etc., it is time to have that heart to heart talk, or a trip to the army recruiter.
I am a single mom of 3 college children ages 21, 20 and 17. After spending teenage years with months at football, proms, boy/girlfriends I disliked, raging hormones, fashion nonsense,etc. I thought I would enjoy being home alone.
I actually CRIED due to the emptiness. It was definitely a grieving process. Finances do not leave me with outing options and health issues have limited volunteering as I did throughout life and obviously my work options.
The obvious thing a parent needs to due is be prepared for their own future. I am FINALLY getting out of my depression (even though I keep in contact with all 3 to the point of texting lol). Church is back in my program and I have gone back to visiting elderly town members and am looking forward to eventually getting an online MSN to open options. When you enjoy the joy your children give you and let them go, it can be depressing and may take time to heal that wound until yhou find your OWN place especially if you were their only parent and the calls you get may be about problems.
Thanks for realizing this is a real issue!!!
I called it the separation anxiety withdrawl syndrome, I, like others, it took a while to get used to not being needed to find everything, everyday, I still have a husband at home so I'm still needed to make appts. for him, etc. the oldest just had a baby and I have moved, when the last one finished High School, we moved a county away, so I can not be called on all that often to baby sit, and they are both doing fine, if we have not talked in a few days I will call and tell each of them how proud of them I am and how they are doing such a good job, not wanting to disappoint me they always tell me everything is fine and do not ask for money, but I send each one some every month because they dont ask.
Hello all: Well today is the day that my 21 year old son is gathering the last of his things to start life in a different city.
I feel as thought my heart is being ripped out of my body as he is our youngest and the last to leave. But when I see the excitement in his eyes and his eagerness to prove himself I feel much better. I guess we can only hope and pray that we have taught them all they need to know in this ever changing world. As they say we are to give them "wings" but it
so sad to watch them fly away.
Maybe it's a lot off topic, but I just have to ask. Why is it so much more of a nightmare for a child to be having sex than for them to be drinking or smoking pot?
Awesome post. My 18 yr old twin sons just started college, and I only have one kid left in the house...so I'm experiencing all of the grief and pride and joy and sorrow, times two.
One note: When it comes to our children protecting themselves against STDs and pregnancies, here's something to think about. My wonderful twin boys were conceived while I was taking the Pill AND using a condom! The only 100% safe sex is no sex.
Gerri said...
Great post- my emotions ran the gamet, from pride to nostalgia for things past to saddness to excitement for them! I have two boys who are now 30 and 34 and I still recall the feelings at milestones in their lives. Ironically, I had more intense feelings of a mixture of all of the above when my son graduated from undergrad university and went off to Europe to work. I remember driving away from his apartment with all his "stuff" in our station wagon and feeling really weird, empty, again, all of the above. I've always believed in "roots and wings" and I am thankful that my life is quite full because, if anyone has boys, they might relate - they don't call as much as girls might! I still feel proud and happy and excited everytime we get to see them! A note about sex, drugs and alcohol - a definite concern because most kids experiment and you just pray they don't make poor choices. Yes, I agree, protecting against all kinds of diseases is a real concern. Unfortunately, most young people think they are invincible!
11/8/08
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