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The MEDICAL Darwin Awards
After over three decades of medical practice, I have seen quite a few interesting cases. Today, someone sent me the new Darwin Awards - a dubious award where the "winner" was either killed or seriously injured doing something really, really stupid. The medical profession really doesn't have awards like this, so I thought I would share some of my own - my top ten medical "Darwins":
1. Laying an Egg
A home-schooled young man was bored one day and decided to see what it would be like to lay an egg. So, in a moment of discovery, he inserted one of those plastic Easter eggs up his curious butt. In spite of his efforts to lay this egg, it became permanently stuck. After a few days of "constipation", he was seen. A laxative was recommended. It did not work. I saw him and examined his rectum, only to feel a smooth plastic object. Initially, he denied inserting anything, but after several attempts to remove this mysterious object, he finally ended up in the operating room where both halves of this plastic egg were removed. He had to undergo a colostomy for several months after having a large section of his colon removed.
2. The Baby Jesus
He was only four years old. He informed his mother that he put a "toy" in his nose. On examination, I noted the bottom of two tiny feet in his left nostril. Using a foreign body forceps, I grasp those little feet and gave birth to a tiny figure of a baby. "That's the Baby Jesus from my miniature manager!" cried the mother. No one really knows what motivates a child to insert objects into various body orifices.
3. Homemade Pole Saw
Pole saws are expensive, so this enterprising man decided to duct tape a regular chain saw to a large stick so he could cut some of the limbs higher in the tree. He started the chain saw, locking it into high gear. He was proud of his new invention, but the vibrating chain saw came loose from the duct tape. He attempted to catch it, but realizing this was not a good idea, landed on the ground. The running chain saw landed in his lap. Fearing the worst, he presented to my clinic in a panic. After cutting off his partially-shredded pants, I informed him that the vital organ of his concern was still there, but maybe a bit smaller. He looked down and told me that it was always that size. He was happy.
4. Bees for Arthritis
His hand was huge; nearly twice the size of a normal hand. He read an article that many people were using bee venom to treat arthritis. Since he had arthritis in his shoulder, he attempted to catch a bee in his hands and holding it to his shoulder. The bees, unaware of the location of his arthritis, repeatedly chose to just sting him on the hand.
5. The Growing Skin Lesion
Skin cancer was prevalent in his family, so Dad was very concerned when he noticed a growing, brown skin lesion on his 8 year old son's neck for the last month. Upon examination, it did not appear as a cancer. Taking a wet and soapy gauze pad, I simply removed this mysterious lesion. It was dirt. Patient cured. Dad embarrassed.
6. Dangers of Smoking
Children see parents smoking, so they naturally want to see what it is like. After being caught stealing a cigarette, two enterprising young kids decided that they would make their own tobacco. The boys picked an impressive number of leaves from the wooded area behind their home, including some bright-colored red ones. They carefully selected and dried the leaves, and rolled a big doobie using a piece of typing paper. Coughing and hacking away at this noxious homemade cigarette, the real danger came a few days later when they were covered head to toe in poison oak. Two boys learned a valuable lesson about plant identification and the dangers of smoking. I have to admit, that I was one of those boys. I have never smoked (anything) since that fateful day when I was ten.
7. What Do You Say to the New Grandmother?
She was 16 year old and overweight. My PA wife was seeing her in the clinic because of abdominal pain and vaginal discharge. Upon examination, it was quickly determined that the discharge was amniotic fluid - this teen was delivering a baby and didn't even know she was pregnant. While waiting for the paramedics to transfer her to the hospital, my wife had to inform the puzzled mother that she was also going to be a grandmother today.
8. Home Vasectomy
He was a physician (and his own patient). Why pay someone else for a vasectomy when you could simply do it yourself? So, while sitting on the toilet at home, this misguided medical professional attempted to inject lidocaine into his scrotal area in preparation for the "first cut". It was unbelievably painful to do this on yourself. After the first cut, the wound started to bleed profusely. He felt a little woozy and passed out. He woke up a few minutes later, on the bathroom floor, in a pool of his own blood. Several years later, he had the job finished by another physician, who questioned the one-sided scar. A half vasectomy is really worthless.
9. Fart Attack
She was eight years old and doubled-over in abdominal pain. Her anxious mother felt she had appendicitis. Upon examination, it was discovered that she did not have signs of appendicitis, but rather had a large amount of intestinal gas. "I cannot believe that this is just gas," said the mother. No sooner than those words left her lips, that the longest, loudest fart erupted from this little girl. At one point, I thought she lifted a bit from the examining table and hovered. "I feel so much better, Mom". Case closed.
10. Never Show a Mother How to Insert a Rectal Suppository
When a child is vomiting, anti-nausea medications are often administered rectally - by suppository - to help control those symptoms. A young mother expressed that she had no clue how to insert them in her two-year old. In one of my teaching moments, I decided that I should show her how to do. Taking a suppository from our office stock, I told her to place the child across her lap and pull down his diaper. "All you need to do is pull apart those little butt cheeks, and gently insert the suppository into the rectum." No sooner that I said "pull those little butt cheeks apart", a geyser of diarrhea shot into the air; hitting me in the face, beard, and dripping down my glasses. The mother was covered, too. When a medical provider is covered in crap, you get little sympathy from your nursing staff. You do receive a lot of inappropriate laughter. I was offered a change of clothes (OR scrubs) from another physician in our office - a size that would have fit a ten-year old. I am sure I received my share of stares when I went home to shower, wearing one of our paper examining gowns. In the world of primary care medicine, "[You Know what] Happens."
Related Topics:
1. Laying an Egg
A home-schooled young man was bored one day and decided to see what it would be like to lay an egg. So, in a moment of discovery, he inserted one of those plastic Easter eggs up his curious butt. In spite of his efforts to lay this egg, it became permanently stuck. After a few days of "constipation", he was seen. A laxative was recommended. It did not work. I saw him and examined his rectum, only to feel a smooth plastic object. Initially, he denied inserting anything, but after several attempts to remove this mysterious object, he finally ended up in the operating room where both halves of this plastic egg were removed. He had to undergo a colostomy for several months after having a large section of his colon removed.
2. The Baby Jesus
He was only four years old. He informed his mother that he put a "toy" in his nose. On examination, I noted the bottom of two tiny feet in his left nostril. Using a foreign body forceps, I grasp those little feet and gave birth to a tiny figure of a baby. "That's the Baby Jesus from my miniature manager!" cried the mother. No one really knows what motivates a child to insert objects into various body orifices.
3. Homemade Pole Saw
Pole saws are expensive, so this enterprising man decided to duct tape a regular chain saw to a large stick so he could cut some of the limbs higher in the tree. He started the chain saw, locking it into high gear. He was proud of his new invention, but the vibrating chain saw came loose from the duct tape. He attempted to catch it, but realizing this was not a good idea, landed on the ground. The running chain saw landed in his lap. Fearing the worst, he presented to my clinic in a panic. After cutting off his partially-shredded pants, I informed him that the vital organ of his concern was still there, but maybe a bit smaller. He looked down and told me that it was always that size. He was happy.
4. Bees for Arthritis
His hand was huge; nearly twice the size of a normal hand. He read an article that many people were using bee venom to treat arthritis. Since he had arthritis in his shoulder, he attempted to catch a bee in his hands and holding it to his shoulder. The bees, unaware of the location of his arthritis, repeatedly chose to just sting him on the hand.
5. The Growing Skin Lesion
Skin cancer was prevalent in his family, so Dad was very concerned when he noticed a growing, brown skin lesion on his 8 year old son's neck for the last month. Upon examination, it did not appear as a cancer. Taking a wet and soapy gauze pad, I simply removed this mysterious lesion. It was dirt. Patient cured. Dad embarrassed.
6. Dangers of Smoking
Children see parents smoking, so they naturally want to see what it is like. After being caught stealing a cigarette, two enterprising young kids decided that they would make their own tobacco. The boys picked an impressive number of leaves from the wooded area behind their home, including some bright-colored red ones. They carefully selected and dried the leaves, and rolled a big doobie using a piece of typing paper. Coughing and hacking away at this noxious homemade cigarette, the real danger came a few days later when they were covered head to toe in poison oak. Two boys learned a valuable lesson about plant identification and the dangers of smoking. I have to admit, that I was one of those boys. I have never smoked (anything) since that fateful day when I was ten.
7. What Do You Say to the New Grandmother?
She was 16 year old and overweight. My PA wife was seeing her in the clinic because of abdominal pain and vaginal discharge. Upon examination, it was quickly determined that the discharge was amniotic fluid - this teen was delivering a baby and didn't even know she was pregnant. While waiting for the paramedics to transfer her to the hospital, my wife had to inform the puzzled mother that she was also going to be a grandmother today.
8. Home Vasectomy
He was a physician (and his own patient). Why pay someone else for a vasectomy when you could simply do it yourself? So, while sitting on the toilet at home, this misguided medical professional attempted to inject lidocaine into his scrotal area in preparation for the "first cut". It was unbelievably painful to do this on yourself. After the first cut, the wound started to bleed profusely. He felt a little woozy and passed out. He woke up a few minutes later, on the bathroom floor, in a pool of his own blood. Several years later, he had the job finished by another physician, who questioned the one-sided scar. A half vasectomy is really worthless.
9. Fart Attack
She was eight years old and doubled-over in abdominal pain. Her anxious mother felt she had appendicitis. Upon examination, it was discovered that she did not have signs of appendicitis, but rather had a large amount of intestinal gas. "I cannot believe that this is just gas," said the mother. No sooner than those words left her lips, that the longest, loudest fart erupted from this little girl. At one point, I thought she lifted a bit from the examining table and hovered. "I feel so much better, Mom". Case closed.
10. Never Show a Mother How to Insert a Rectal Suppository
When a child is vomiting, anti-nausea medications are often administered rectally - by suppository - to help control those symptoms. A young mother expressed that she had no clue how to insert them in her two-year old. In one of my teaching moments, I decided that I should show her how to do. Taking a suppository from our office stock, I told her to place the child across her lap and pull down his diaper. "All you need to do is pull apart those little butt cheeks, and gently insert the suppository into the rectum." No sooner that I said "pull those little butt cheeks apart", a geyser of diarrhea shot into the air; hitting me in the face, beard, and dripping down my glasses. The mother was covered, too. When a medical provider is covered in crap, you get little sympathy from your nursing staff. You do receive a lot of inappropriate laughter. I was offered a change of clothes (OR scrubs) from another physician in our office - a size that would have fit a ten-year old. I am sure I received my share of stares when I went home to shower, wearing one of our paper examining gowns. In the world of primary care medicine, "[You Know what] Happens."
Related Topics:
- WebMD Video: Physician Assistants - Filling a Void in Healthcare
- WebMD Video: Tips For Finding The Right Physician
Labels: health and wellness, humor
5 Comments:
Truly amazing. While it is not my sole intention to go to med school so that I can one day have storries like that, it will provide for an interesting life.
My own Dr. has given me advice I thoght obvious or irrelevant.Then he told me a few stories. Patient w/ear infection given drops that went in the ear,patient took them orally.Patient given suppositories,patient calls after 3days,not feeling any better and the suppository foil isn't comfortable while being inserted.Most amusing is about a doctor he walks in the room,talking about the patient's wife should do this 2-3 wks or so,he gloves up & rectally massages the patient's prostate,patient embarrassed due to effect & handed 1 tissue.Patient then tells doctor that he came in for this doctor to look at a growth on his penis. Doctor looks at patient and says, your not Mr. ......seems like if the doctor would have looked at this man or confirmed his name this wouldn't be embarrassing & funny at the same time.
LOL!! You write the funniest stuff, Dr. Moser. I don't have any stories of my own, but I sure enjoy reading yours!
I long have been a fan of the original Darwin Awards and think this is a great idea for a book. For instance, did you hear the one about the drunk biker who came into the ER on a Monday with second and third degree burns to his feet? He had been using sulfuric acid to clean the chrome on his motorcycle -- while wearing sandles!
These are hysterical. Thanks for the laugh!
My mother was so severely constipated that she ended up in the emergency room -- because she waited a WEEK to tell me she hadn’t gone. She was “treated” by an intern who gave her an enema that didn’t work. They admitted her and later when I was with her, I helped her to use the bedpan and she finally went and the first object to hit the pan was the cap on the enema the idiot intern forgot to remove. I can’t believe he was smart enough to make it through med school, but not smart enough to take the cap off of the enema bottle. Sigh.
Ps. Te words I had to type in for word verification was "looloot" how appropriate is that?
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