H1N1 Flu: But, They're PIGS!

Photo Credit: Laurel Fan

I knew this would happen. The Swine Flu is not a nice name. It sounds kind of dirty and unappealing. Jews and Muslims do not like pigs; animal rights activists do. The pork lobby and the commodities market for pork bellies do not favor the name. You have to change it, so let's call it H1N1. I guess everyone will know that the "N" stands for neuraminidase. Everyone else can just call it the H1N1 (high-knee) flu.

When there is a pandemic on the horizon, governments must have scapegoats, or in this case, a scape-pig. During the last major pandemic, we called it the Spanish Flu just to tick off Spain who refused to provide information about flu deaths in their country during World War I. We could have called it the German Flu, but everyone already hated Germany and we already named a type of measles after them. It should have been named the Kansas Flu since this is where it started, but Kansas is such a nice place. There is no place like home, Toto.

Later on, we had the Asian Flu or Hong Kong Flu. This may have been more appropriately named, since this strain of influenza did originate in China. God forbid that we call this one the Mexican Flu. Mexicans are having enough problems as it is with those drug wars and a crash in the tourism business. Just yesterday, a patient informed me that their Mexican cruise has been canceled by the cruise company due to the flu pandemic.

I wish they would have had a contest and let the American people name this flu. There could be call-ins and text messages, like the American Idol. How about the al-Qaida Flu? I thought this was a good one until I heard there was a guy in Cleveland named Al Kida. That would not have been fair to him. He already lives in Cleveland. Oops, I did it again. What I meant to say was, "I love Cleveland." WKRP! Wait, that was Cincinnati. Now I have Kansas and Ohio upset. How about the Kim Jong-il Flu? This is another good one; it already has "ill" in the name.

This morning as I was getting my morning flu briefing from Matt Lauer, I discovered that the name was changed yesterday to the it's scientific name - the H1N1 influenza, after many pigs were needlessly slaughtered in Egypt and people stopped buying pork in the grocery stores. Regardless of the reassurance that you cannot catch swine flu from processed pork products or uninfected pigs, people are not convinced. I am sure glad that pigs do not cause autism, or do they? Now, I did it. Oops.

A slip of the tongue or joking can really backfire nowadays. Poor Joe Biden. Much of the morning news was filled with White House spokesmen that were trying to explain what Joe "really meant" so the American people can relax and say, "Whew! Now I feel better." VP Joe is staying home and will not be traveling on commercial airlines, subways, and buses, like he normally does (sarcasm). The air transportation czars were up in arms with the approaching summer travel season defending the cleanliness of their planes. Personally, that would be like defending the cleanliness of those Mexican pigs.

Granted, most commercial airlines do have HEPA filters to scrub the air of pathogens. While this may help a little bit, it is not going to protect you against the sneezer in the seat behind you that just blew up the back of your hair, or the snotty-nose kid that wipes his hands all the way down the aisle to the bathroom, where God knows what happens inside. Between flights, airline personal empty the seat back pouches of all of the trash we stuff in there, including napkins, Kleenex, and I am sure, but have no conclusive proof - dirty diapers. They probably vacuum up the pretzel crumbs at some point at the end of the flight days. Peanuts are no more. They may try and sanitize those stinky toilet closets and load up the TP containers, but they DO NOT SANITIZE those planes. How can they? Viral pathogens can remain on surfaces for hours, and we only have a short time when people disembark and others board. Pathogens will remain on those tray tables, even in the upright positions (germs do not fall off). They will remain on those cloth seats. They are on the call button and that little air deflector that you point at the sneezer behind you. Pathogens are everywhere, so if you are going to get sick, this is the place. I included airplanes high on my list of the Dirty Dozen - the Twelve Dirtiest Places. My feelings have not changed any more than the airline's traditional hygiene practices.

Pigs do have hygiene issues, but we do not hesitate to harvest heart valves from them, or use them to test our pharmaceuticals. It's not bad enough that we make fun of their appearance and eat them, now we have to blame a pandemic on them. Researchers feels that AIDS originally came from monkeys, or from someone monkeying around with monkeys. If that is really true, then why haven't we taken it out on those monkeys? Monkeys are cute, that's why. Pigs? Not so much, although those Vietnamese potbellied pigs are sort of cute in piggy sort of way.

Arnold on Green Acres was not only cute; he was one of the more intelligent mammals in Hooterville. Porky Pig, in spite of the fact that he does not wear pants, is an American icon. Of course, not having genitalia sort of excuses him. People love to "pig-out" or go hog-wild. Actors ham it up. Pigs wear lipstick. Politicians talk about pork-barrel spending. Little girls wear pig-tails. Hell's Angels ride hogs. People hog seats on the bus, assuming they are still riding a bus now that Joe gave 'em up. Sue-EEEEE!


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