Cursing Helps Ease Pain

Somehow, I always knew this. Why else would carpenters recite an endless list of expletives when they hit their thumbs with a hammer? There was a joke going around a few years ago about a woman who complained that some workmen were using the most-foul language ever. Their boss called them in to address this issue. They denied using any offensive language.

"Jim was up on the scaffold. It was my job to throw him the red, hot rivets. Jim accidentally dropped one of the hot rivets down the back of my pants. All that I said, Boss was, "Really, James... you must be more careful."

Study Shows That Swearing May Help Lessen the Perception of Pain

A recent study seems to prove that cursing actually relieves pain, perhaps releasing surges of morphine-like endorphins. People’s heart rate increases with cursing, which may be in response to adrenalin – the fuel of the "flight or fright" response. Whatever the reason, it does seem to work.

Of course, there is also the Michigan Case of the Cursing Canoeist, where Timothy Boomer used some vulgar language in front of women and children, violating a 105 year old ordinance against this sort of thing. He was eventually arrested and hauled to court. To make an interesting story short, Cursin' Tim was let off with a warning to be quieter next time. I used to live in Michigan, and I can contest that when you fall out of a canoe into some cold, bone-chilling water, you are not going to just say, "Really, Timothy, you must be more careful."

Cussing canoeist's conviction thrown out, along with 105-year-old law

Do I personally curse? Yes, sometimes. It depends on the circumstances. Sometimes, it just seems appropriate. It seems right. I try not to do it around other people, but I can't always guarantee that in the heat of the moment. My dogs often hear me utter some inappropriate words. The other night, while coming home late, I tramped in fresh pile of dog poop in the middle of the sidewalk. Both dogs looked guilty, but I knew it was the old, geriatric dog that did it. This was not physical pain, of course, but emotional pain can be deep, too.

I was putting one of those semi-complicated pieces of furniture from Ikea's – the type that uses some unusual bolts or screws that can only be found in Europe. Of course, it didn’t take long for me to drop an essential one and watch it slowly roll off of the deck into some deep weeds. Without this little part, the project could not be completed. So, I said to myself, "Really, I must learn to be more careful."

Living in a rural area, I have satellite Internet (perhaps the satellite is Sputnik), but it doesn’t always work flawlessly. If I fail to "copy" a posting prior to trying to post it on the web site, I can almost guarantee that the system will go down. The longer and more detailed the posting, the greater the chance it will be lost to cyberspace. Some alien presence, a millennium from now may pick it up in space and wonder why earth people were so concerned about Eustachian tubes. If I lose a particularly-complicated posting, I have been known to utter a few choice words.

My wife was working in our clinic one day when she accidentally hit the top of her head with an open cabinet door. Without thinking, she let out an impressive string of obscenities that would shock a seasoned sailor. When she looked up, still holding her head, there were at least a dozen people within earshot, standing motionless with their mouths gaping. One of the medical assistants simply said, "Lindsey! I can’t believe that came out of you." Believe it.

"Really, Lindsey, you must be more careful."

If cursing really does ease pain, perhaps medical science should really capitalize on this.

"Nurse, I think it is time for my pain pills." Without hesitation, the nurse pours a large glass of ice water or scalding coffee onto your groin.

"Aaarrgh. $&%&%(*^*(^!!! I feel much better now. Never mind."

One of the more challenging (painful) procedures that I perform in my clinic (and you thought I only do ears) is toenail avulsion. Teenagers have this compulsion to dig at their toenails or trim them too short. Eventually, these repetitive acts will result in some painful, in-growing nails requiring surgical removal. Injecting lidocaine into the base of the toe is enough to release out those primitive expletives that they try so hard to suppress. I have heard some interesting vocalizations at times. Even two-year-olds will cuss if the circumstances permit.

I wonder if the type of swear words a person utters is more analgesic than others? For instance, "Oh, Poo" would only be appropriate for a minor, brief pain, whereas the Mother of All Swear Words (Yes, the infamous and frequently-uttered F word) would be useful, say for stab or gunshot wounds. Pain is in the mind of the beholder, so you can clearly see how the choice of swear words could be inappropriately applied by novice cursers. Perhaps we can provide a list of appropriate vulgar words, in ascending order of lewdness, for people to read in situations where pain is anticipated. Tele-prompters could work, too. Experienced cursers would obviously not need help.

Unlike sadistic dentists, most medical providers do not enjoy causing pain. Oh. yes, we are tempted from time to time to inject something "real s-l-o-w", but for the most part, medical providers seek to alleviate pain. We used to take urethral swabs for STD cultures by inserting a cotton swab deep up the penis (there are less-painful tests now). The procedural pain that these non-condom-users experienced became a valuable reminder. Pain is and always will be a great behavioral motivator in certain situations. Like narcotics, analgesic swearing may be addictive.

"You can come down from your tippy-toes now, my friend. Really, you must be more careful next time. Use condoms."