CTAs as WEDs - Weapons of Ear Destruction

willc2 / CC BY-SA 2.0

In the early days of the Iraq War, Special Forces were scouring the area around Baghdad, looking for WMDs, like poison gas, missiles, or Saddam's nuclear arsenal. Although puzzling at the time, our dedicated troops found tons of cotton-tipped applicators (Q-tips) earmarked and destined for the U.S. The goal was to flood the market and encourage Americans to clean their ears. A large number of people would be rupturing their eardrums, causing damage to their hearing, and setting themselves up for infections in the ear canal. This was a dastardly and evil plan, striking at the closed doors of our bathrooms. Had it been successful, people all over the Western World could become seriously addicted, cleaning and scratching at the inside of their ears at every opportunity. Soon, pencils, paperclips, and bobby pins would be substituted. The productivity of workers, with one hand dedicated to ear-cleaning, and the other free hand attempting to type, would drop. Eventually, our economy would suffer, the stock market would plummet, with only a few companies thriving, perhaps those companies that make these Weapons of Ear Destruction.

Little did Saddam know is that Americans and other countries are already hooked. Along with toilet paper and tissues, our medicine cabinets were well-stocked. Made of tightly-packed cotton and paper, Americans were not going to be taking any unnecessary chances should these commodities suffer.

Q-tips do not damage ears or rupture eardrums. PEOPLE damage ears and rupture eardrums. Perhaps due to social consciousness or even litigation, the makers of Q-tips have tried to warn the ear-cleaning addicted masses not to stick these things inside the ears. I am using the term "Q-tip" in the generic sense, and in no way am I pointing fingers at a particular company or their finely-made product. Anyone can make cotton-tipped applicators (CTAs) in a free-market, and there are imitations galore - imitations with wooden sticks long enough to protrude through the other ear, or tips that fall off inside your ears. A significant portion of an ENTs practice is diagnosing and repairing damage due from these CTAs - The Weapons of Ear Destruction.

Unlike the requirements for cigarette makers putting scary warning labels on the packages, CTA manufacturers can still package them like they did in the past. In some countries, smokers will see gross pictures of cancerous lungs and blackened /missing teeth on cigarette packages - perhaps aimed at those who cannot read the warning labels. I am proposing now that CTA manufactures put two pictures on their packages: One with a big circle with a line through it, showing a CTA inside an ear, and another showing the face of a puzzled person in pain, blood pouring down the side of their neck, holding a bloody CTA.

I have done my very best to discourage the use of CTAs and ear-cleaning on the WebMD Ear, Nose and Throat message board, and the All Ears Blog, but the message has apparently met deaf ears (as you might expect!). I have been anxiously waiting for some celebrity to take up the cause. When a celebrity gets a type of cancer or Parkinsonism, they become important spokespersons for the cause - raising awareness and raising money for education and research. Everyday, I watch the news hoping to hear about some ear-prominent person has been permanently injured. Prince Charles has prominent ears. So, does Ross Perot, Dumbo, and my favorite, Bugs Bunny. Now that I think about it, maybe this is why Bugs Bunny says, "What's up, Doc?" Elmer Fudd aways seems to be sneaking up on him, so maybe he doesn't hear very well? Perhaps he tried to clean out his ears with a carrot!

If Valerie Bertinelli can lose a ton of weight and thus promote Jenny Craig, maybe someone will surface for my "Ban the CTAs" campaign. I was going to write a letter to Jerry Lewis, but I think he is contractually tied up with another worthwhile project.

I could write some pseudo-science studies and publish them on the Internet. People believe what they read on the Internet, no matter how ridiculous or medically-unsupported. I suspect someone will be quoting my Saddam Hussein Q-tip Plot Revealed! When I read this story to my wife a few minutes ago, she said, "Is that true?" I rest my case.

I can try and link the use of CTAs to erectile dysfunction or obesity. For instance, "Researchers found that obese people clean their ears on a regular basis. Is there a link?" "Men with erectile dysfunction admit to regular Q-tip use." Once you get an article on the Internet, it will be quoted forever. People will then say that they lost 37 pounds in three weeks after giving up Q-tips. Actually, you CAN lose weight by using Q-tips to eat, instead of a knife, fork, or spoon. I will write a book and promote the Q-Tip Diet! Oprah, here I come.

The Federal Government is handling out a lot of cash lately, to auto companies, banks, and failed brokerages. The "Cash for Clunkers" campaign gave a few billion dollars so that people could upgrade their cars. Maybe I will write to President Obama (he has some pretty big ears that seem suspiciously clean on those close-ups) and ask for some money. As soon at this Mexican/Swine/H1N1 global influenza pandemic thing is history, maybe there will be some money left.

I already have some possible slogans and t-shirt ideas: "Skip the Tip." "Avoid the Wax Pack." "Here's to Ears!" "Don't Clean Children's Ears - They Don't Listen to You Anyway." "Don't be a Rear, Stop Cleaning Your Ear." Or my personal favorite: "Cleaning Cerumen - Not Part of Groomin'."

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