Family Webicine

By Rod Moser, PA, PhD

I have been trying to get an interview with the big man for several months now. The closer we get to Christmas, the less likely it was going to happen. The, the other day, I saw a television ad from Ancestry.com that featured Santa. Santa claimed that he was related to the Tooth Fairy. Over a year ago, I was able to interview the Tooth Fairy, so I gave her a call and she set the interview in motion. She called Santa, and Santa called me, giving me a scant twenty minutes. Incidentally, he blocked his number.

I could tell by his deep, kind voice that it was definitely Santa. I could hear a lot of background activity that I assumed was a busy workshop. There was music playing — Christmas music, of course. I imagined that I smelled peppermint.

RM:        I would like to thank you up front for taking the time to talk to me today.

SC:          It’s my pleasure. I’m sorry that this has to be short. As you may know, this is my busy season.

RM:        Mr. Claus…

SC:          Call me “Santa”.

RM:        Okay, Santa…my first question is about me. Do you know me? Do you know if I have been naughty or nice?

SC:          (Doing a search of his computer database). Yep. I have your records in front of me. They go back to 1951. What do you want to know?

RM:        Was I ever on the Naughty List?

SC:          (Rolling his eyes) Yes. You have been on that list numerous times, but you always seemed to pull off a few last minute “good” deeds just before Christmas.

RM:        How is your health, Santa?

SC:          Are you referring to my weight? These clothes make me look bigger than I really am, but I have put on a few pounds. Health wise, though, I think I am doing okay. I expect to be around for a long time.

RM:        Do you diet and get plenty of exercise?

SC:          I don’t eat EVERY cookie that kids put out for me, nor do I drink all of that milk.

RM:        What about exercise?

SC:          Shoveling snow. Loading the sleigh. Hitchin’ up reindeer. Shoveling what the reindeer leave lying around. I stay busy.

RM:        I always see you smoking a pipe…

SC:          You may see me with a pipe in my mouth, but I gave up tobacco years ago. Those are bubbles, not smoke.

RM:        How’re your blood sugar and blood pressure?

SC:          Did my HMO put you up to this? If this Fisher-Price doctor kit is correct, my blood pressure is fine. My last blood sugar was normal. No diabetes, so far.

RM:        Have you had a colonoscopy?

SC:          Of course. Let’s change the subject.

RM:        Okay, you give away a lot of toys. Do the elves make them all?

SC:          Next to McDonalds, Santa is the world’s largest distributor of toys. Speaking of McDonalds, the ban on Happy Meal toys goes in effect in San Francisco this week. I wonder if San Francisco will try to ban Santa some day because I am traditionally overweight and could be viewed as setting a bad example?

RM:        I find it hard to believe that you visit every house on Earth in one night, delivering toys and gifts. You are amazing.

SC:          Good, huh? The word that you must remember, my friend, is “believe”. If you believe in Santa, or at least, the Spirit of the Holiday Season, your heart will be enriched in more ways than you know. Throw your spare change or a few bucks in the Salvation Army Kettles. Donate food or your time to a homeless shelter. Find ways to GIVE to people in need; don’t worry too much about what you receive. We are always going to want things, but most of those, we really do not need.

SC:          Close your eyes. Seriously; I want you to close your eyes. Think back to the happiest Christmas you ever had. Try and remember so deeply and so strongly that you can smell dinner cooking, see the decorated tree in the corner, hear Christmas carols, and feel that sincere warmth swell in your heart. Now, hold those very personal thoughts until you feel tears coming from your eyes. I will wait.

RM:        Okay. I’m there…

SC:          Merry Christmas