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Anxiety and panic disorders affect an estimated 2.4 million Americans. Dr. Patricia Farrell shares information and advice about stress management and anxiety; its causes, symptoms, diagnosis, and effective treatments

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WebMD Health News

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Women and Abuse
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What price do abused women pay for their abuse? According to a study of almost 3,500 women, aged 18-64 who were members of a health maintenance organization, 44% of them were victims of violence by one or more past or present intimate partners.

Women who were abused, either physically or mentally, were "four times as likely to have severe depressive symptoms," and twice as likely to have depression. In terms of health, they were three times as likely to have health problems. We know that stress, whether from physical or mental abuse, depletes the immune system, so it is no wonder that their health was affected.

The most common victims were younger women, those with low income, less education, single mothers or who had been victims of abuse as children. The results of the research appear in the June 2006 issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

Some of the women were currently in a dangerous relationship and were given code sentences to say if their abuser were present during the telephone survey. Just answering the survey could have put any of these women in additional peril.

The researchers suggested that physicians need to begin to find ways to address possible abuse. Unlike child abuse, which must be reported if there's even a suspicion of abuse, abuse of partners is not a mandatory reportable action. Only in the past several decades have we seen changes in both our community police policies and the medical community where a greater sense of awareness has emerged as the result of newspaper reporting of significant cases of abuse.

To my mind, it calls for professionals to formulate a plan of on-going continuing medical education around this issue. Until we begin to be willing to ask, the cries of these women will remain unheard and their needs unaddressed.

Related Topics: Child Sex Abuse Affects Both Genders Long-Term, Bad Marriage Can Make You Sick

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Posted by: Pat_Farrell_PhD at 9:46 PM

60 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know about anyone else, but for me the mental abuse if far worse than the physical. Physical you can get out of and away from, but the mental hangs on what seems like forever. I can't figure out why I keep picking those "winners" in relationships. It seems redeeming to me that they'd never lay a hand on a woman - but I don't see the signs at first of the potential for the mental abuse. It's like years before it crops up, or maybe it's that it takes that long to realize it.

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous,
I can relate to you 100%.I lived with the mental abuse for almost 24 years, and one day it became physical.Just one time, but it killed the relationship forever. It was a total surprise when it happened, I never expected it. He told me he had waited 23 years to do that.It killed any love I had left. I moved out for three months and was totally happy, but in my heart I was told to go home and take care of him. He is 70 and not in good health. I begrudgingly listened to my heart, and all things are still back to the mental abuse. Let me tell you, it takes a tole on your health, especially your immune system, and as a result, I have some serious immune disease problems. If you have had it with the mental abuse, I recommend that you just leave so you can be happy again. He could snap after years of marriage and abuse you.

6:51 AM  
Anonymous amy said...

Why is it that you feel you had to go back to the mental abuse after leaving for a few months? Is it because you didnt know any better and were afraid of the unknown? I only ask because I had a similar situation and was terrified of the unknown future. I managed to break away with kids and be diagnosed with cancer, and now after almost 7-8 yrs. I was able to find the love of my life. I strongly suggest that you realize how important it is for you to see that your life is number one and you cannot love unless you love yourself first.
It was so hard for me being abused,sexualy as a child by my babysitter and tutor at school I ended up being with an abuser who is a Marine and he was my husband , mental and sexual. Make that change for yourself as I did and you will find happiness as I did. My new husband was in the USMC aswell as my ex-husband but a truly great man who has great respect for me.

8:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband left me after 35 years of marriage. The beginning was physical abuse when we were drinking. That stopped. He mentally abused me just about everyday throughout the marriage. He decided he didn't want to be married anymore and now is with someone half his age. I always think he will come back. Why do I want him to come back? Am I crazy?

9:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The catch-22 is that the women go to and stay in the abusive relationships for the same reason they don't seek help for them or even recognize them as abusive. They don't think they deserve better. That is usually established long before the abusive adult relationship happens.

So, catching the abuse early in a person's life is a good thing and can be preventative as well.

Tasker

10:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in my relationship now for almost 13 years. I am accused of flirting and constantly trying to get the attention of other men. I have never done such a thing and had actually been so very happy with this guy, now I am miserable. He gets angry at me over the smallest things. I want to end our relationship, but at the same time, I am afraid. We have been together for so long. My kids' father was mentally abusive also and I was abused (sexually) as a child by my mother's husband. I do in fact feel like I don't deserve better!

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too have been mentally abused and felt there was no way out. I am no longer accepting the abuse, when he would call me names or compare me to another person, I would not question him as to why he would say that, I just tell him he is wrong in a stern voice, no more discussion. I tell myself and believe that I am perfect. Books that have helped me a lot are CoDependant No More, When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong and The Verbally Abusive Relationship. These books helped me realize that he has the problem, not me.

1:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been out of my abuseive relstionship for years. It has been 16 years, my problem is I will not go out with anyone. I am still afraid. So I just tell my self ,this is the was it is supposed to be.

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I relate to this totally. Abusive childhood, first marriage physical/mental/sexual abuse then 13 years as a single mom (and that had it's OWN problems!) then a new relationship that led to moving away from friends and family. I guess it's harsh conditioning leading to severe depression and other forms of self hatred.
Sad thing is that I know too many of us that relate to the lifetime cycle. At least my daughter was able to break the chains. And of THAT I am eternally thankful!

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was also in an abusive relationship for nine years. I left him twice but he started crying and said he would change. I went back to him and he was okay for a short time then acted up again. I really loved this guy...but said to myself that he is immature and will never have anyone live with him because he does not know how to behave. I really believe he had a screw loose in his head and I was not going to be like him and stay with him. I am happy now that I have met a man that is kind and loving but it will take me a real long time before I even think of living with a man again.

8:52 PM  
Blogger believeinpeace said...

To everyone

I have been there and still struggle; however, I must say that therapy has been a huge blessing for me. I started therapy in 1986 and have pretty much continued (with a few off periods) to this day. I can honestly say that it has made a HUGE difference - mostly just the cumulative effect over time. I am definitely a different, MUCH more healthy person as a result. I highly recommend it - you must be careful and thorough so you can find the right person for you, but if you do, it will be worth it. And for those of you that think you can't afford it, there are many that work ona sliding scale. It will be worth your effort if you really commit to it...

9:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the middle of leaving a sixteen year abusive marriage, there was verbal, sexual and physical abuse and it was really hard to accept that I would let this kind of man in my life much less be married to him. he changed the week we got married and i felt like i couldn't leave someone i had just married and then we had two boys and i thought that it would be so traumatic on them to divorce so my plan was to stay until the youngest who is ten now leave the house for college or whatever he decides to do with his life but with a very persistent therapist who kept insisting that i did not deserve this treatment and a very good friend who has been there through all of this i did finally leave him. the road has been a tough one as he did the crying and he would change thing, he didn't and now he has the audacity to sue me for custody of the kids which litterally kicked me in the gut as he had always said that he knew the kids were better off with me and that i had a much better relationship with them but he became desperate for the marriage to continue and he thought if he sued for the kids that I would relent and let him back in the house. well he sure doesn't know that my doctor and therapist have a record of the abuse and that i have called the woman's shelter as one night i was scared he would come to the house and threaten me and it is on record that i also called the local police on that night. my lawyer is also a very good one and has assured me that no way can he get the kids. i was also sexually abused as a child by a next door neighbor and then raped my someone i thought of as a friend (not a boyfriend or anything either). i so hope we can wrap things up and be divorced from this man very quickly and I am not sure i will ever let a nother person in my life. it just hurts way too much but I really admire the other posters on here that have been able to find new loves.

12:12 AM  
Anonymous Karen said...

I have been married 3 times and am still married to my 3rd husband. All have been verbally and emotionally abusive.

Why have I stayed with this husband 15 years? After totally losing my sense of selfworth for 9 years I finally realized why I let men treat me this way. It went back to my childhood and my grandfather molesting me at age 9 and a lack of a relationship with my father. I worked hard to heal these wounds and at last could stand up for myself and say "NO MORE!"

I healed the wounds and stopped letting men hurt me. This was not easy to do but with professional help I succeeded.

I stayed with this husband because I did love him and also because I was afraid to leave him. Affraid of again being unable to support myself and my child. Afraid of what this man would do to me if I left him.

He now respects me and treats me with love and kindness. And I love him. He knows I am no longer his "whipping" post, so to speak.

There are still scars but the wounds are healed and I have forgiven him. I know not everyone can have a happy ending I just feel truly blessed that I found one. My childhood trauma's and allowing men to continually hurt me is now behind me. My motto is from a Helen Reddy song: "I am woman hear me roar!"

12:24 AM  
Anonymous Dawn said...

I am in a verbally (mentally/emotionally) abusive marraige going on almost four years and I really can't take it anymore. I am a psychologist (research) and have used every technique I can think of to discuss my feelings with my husband but until he is willing or able to change... well, you know the drill.

I am mentally ill and physically disabled and am unable to take care of myself very well or provide for myself financially. My mind is so unfocused due to disability that although I have gotten an envelope from ssi I have not been able to fill anything out.

I feel guilty, as for one thing, I have said some pretty nasty things to my husband. Also, I physically lost it once early in our marriage during one very severe mood swing due to hours of verbal crap and some bad medication that my old doctor had me trying at that time which made me unstable. (Needless to say I stopped taking that medication). So I am not completely innocent.

However, I am so tired of being yelled at daily about the things I cannot help due to disability. I have also been physically hurt due to mood swings that have occurred as a result of being harrassed and even scared out of my mind on one occasion. I have almost no self esteem left at this point despite knowing that I am valuable because God made me.

One minute he is nice, the next a total A-hole and on the attack, turning everything I say into an arguement. It is like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.

He grew up in a physically/mentally abusive home and he acts like a watered down version of his father when he is angry. He went to counseling a few times earlier in our marraige for his anger issues, but the counselor actually told him she didn't blame him for being angry because taking care of someone who is chronicly ill is a difficult and draining situation. That didn't help either of us and he decided to stop going. He is very resistant to trying again.

My parents have abandoned me as they too do not want to deal with my being ill. Even as a child, they never felt responsible for my emotional/mental welfare.

My husband wasn't half this bad before we got married, but as he so kindly points out, I wasn't this ill. So much for in sickness and in health.

I can't take care of myself and I have no where to go. I am thinking about working up the nerve to call the ssi office to see if someone there could help me fill out the forms. I know that ssi wouldn't be enough to live on, but it would at least be a start.

I would appreciate some prayers if anyone out there reads this and is moved to do so.

Thanks.

6:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I strongly recommend that you call on he Lord Jesus Christ. Cry out to Him with all of your heart. Seek christian counseling. Begin to read your bible and pray everyday. Embrace Jesus as your partner. He willbe there for you. Only believe and trust Him. Saul was depressed and God sent David to comfort Him.

Blessings,

8:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Abuse not only comes from a partner. I am emotionally abused by a parent who suffers from Narcassistic Disorder. I have learned over time that a person with this disorder is not capable of Love and once I took the role of servant and set aside the mother daughter realtionship I was able to deal with it better. But abuse is abues.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To Dawn - I can identify with some of your situation. I, too, have disabilities that keep me from working full time. SSI rejected my application, so it's been in appeal for a year. (My lawyer told me this is quite common.) Of course, without adequate income I am not able to move out and financially take care of myself. You might try calling the domestic abuse hotline for long range help. By all means, get help filling out the SSI paperwork; do you have a friend or neighbor who could help?

I've been married for 34 years. It took my husband's having an affair to wake me up to the emotional mind games he was playing on me and that I was fully allowing him to do so. Please don't waste any more time trying to make the marriage work. YOU are more important than that.

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Dawn said...

Thank you all, I am greatful for your replies and will take your experiences and advice to heart. :)

3:27 AM  
Blogger WebMD Blog Admin said...

For those of you needing and wanting further support regarding an abusive relationship or leaving an abusive relationship, you will find support and insight on our Couples Coping: Support Group board.

1:19 PM  
Blogger breezer383 said...

I have been with my husband for 5 years and need some advise and help desperately, I suffer from extreme anxiety and panic disorder also. Alll these years I have tried finding work along with managing tenants in our apartments, going to school, taking care of the house and doing all the errands. He is an alcoholic and even abuses me both verbally and emotionally when he is sober. Last year he wanted to trhow me out and for 3 months I could only hold Saltines and Flat Coke down.I lost 40 pounds. The day I moved we both cried, he called me 4 or 5 times a day and on weekends always wasnted to see me.We got back togther a month later.Things were pretty good for some months but now, when he gets alot of stress and yes, we have extreme stress upon us now, he blames me for not findng a job.I have gone everywhere and tried to find something deaspite my disablities,but no luck, so now he is throwing me out again.I have noone to turn to, no family, and no money. I am in New Hampshire and would s eomone please tell me how to get through this>? I have been very ill now for over a month.

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Dawn
My heart goes out to you whose situation is most similar to mine.
Do call on SSI for assistance to complete your forms. Better yet it was worth it to consult with an ssi lawyer to avoid some of the expected BS.
Like yourself I was a professional who was dependant on someone who knew that he too needed help but resisted getting it. He also resented me for relentlessly trying to rise above the gloom and
ride on the high of the abilities I still had. Eventually I left. I've been homeless twice in my adult life. I was blessed when I was able to stay in a women's shelter for six months. I attended an 8 week womens transition workshop, continue in counseling. recieve social security and other subsidies(utilities, transport,low-income self-sufficiency programs) which enabled me to even work towards owning my home(City paid for modifications). It is not at all easy on any given day. I still need help because of the many things I'm unable to do for myself. I am still petrified of any man who expresses interest in me. But, at the end of the day I prayer for strength, wisdom and courage in the Lord to keep me better off than the point from which I started. My dear, bawl, cuss and scream but do something, even if it means stepping outside of the box to embrace solutions.
You are fighting for your survival.
You are not alone.

8:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a very close friend whose husband of 27 years left her for another woman. He was the sole financial support for their family. She needs a lawyer but doesn't have any money. Is there any way that she can get legal advice/action without money up front? Help! Thanks!

11:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate to having a physical disability which takes a toll on your emotional well being, and when
you add verbal and emotional abuse
from a spouse, the challenge to stay afloat becomes difficult. I became stronger after reading several books which have opened my eyes to the recognition of abuse. Abuse was a familiar feeling, as my Dad was verbally, emotionally and physically
abusive. So I've made a bad choice for my life partner. I was not aware of my self worth and did not
set my standards high enough to ward off a relationship with an abuser, because the feeling was familiar.
I want to leave this relationship in the worst way. I am terrified due to the physical and potention financial barriers. I have very limited income on SS Disability. I have consulted with one divorce attny, and plan to consult another.
I have made it known to my husband I want to leave. I call him on every abusive situation. Now I recognize abuse and I treat it like abuse. I stand up for myself and treat it like his problem, and set boundries.
Yet, the abuse continues and I realize it will not stop. It's hopeless. time for me to let go....
One step at a time, it will be hard but in my heart I feel like this is the best choice even if I have to face poverty and disability. Staying in this relationship is killing my spirit and my entire identidy as a worthwhile person. If anyone has any tips on leaving - I would be much appreciative.

7:36 AM  
Blogger Help Me said...

Well, I have been in an abusive relationship for over 10 years. I have two boys from that relationship and a girl from my orevious marriage. The physical abuse stopped when he was arrested for hitting me in the face plus he is now a police officer. But he uses his authority to intimidate me. I am a young single of mother looking for some help. I feel that I cannot do better than him. That there is no one else out there but him but he has caused me nothing but greif. I cannot go anywhere and leave my children because of the threat of child neglect charges if something were to happen to the children in someone else's care. I have to agree that the mental abuse is far worse than the physical. Sometimes you sit there and think to yourself that is all that you can do. I am afraid to go out and explore now that there are alot more crazy things going on in the world. I already have a daughter that does not have her father in her life and I did not want that for my boys. I come from a broken home and did not want my children to go thru it but I guess that does not work.

12:42 PM  
Blogger WebMD Blog Admin said...

Dear Help Me,

You are not alone and there is help out there for you.

Please contact a local Women's Shelter or one of the numbers found at the link below for support and to explore your options:

http://www.webmd.com/content/pages/5/1663_50606#Abuse

And for additional support, please post to our Couples Coping Support Group board.

2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reading what every woman says here tonight, shows me that I am not alone. I know that this happens to alot of women, but I didn't realize that I could relate to everyone. I have been with my childrens father for 4 years now. He began with verbal abuse and name calling. He then began to show violent behavior such as punching holes in walls, throwing objects and breaking things. He evan slammed a door on my hand. It sent me to the hospital. After that came the sighns of cheating. That's when the abuse became physical. Come to find out he was. He always promises that the abuse and arguing will stop. It doesn't. Everything that I talk to him about, he accuses me of not being happy with him, that I must want to be with someone else. Funny thing is, I don't evan talk about nothing involving him. We are in our third place together. Everytime we move he promises things will get better. well it's not. He slapped me while I was pregnant with our second child. Cursed me, called me names in front of my niece and nephew. One time after I had our second child, he jumped on me after throwing a chair at me. The chair barely missed my newborn so who was on the bed with me in his carrier. Just a few weeks ago he snatched some of my hair out attempting to jump on me while I was holding our 2 year old daughter. Moments later he came at me with a knife while I ws holding my daughter trying to console her. He punched a hole right through our front door. Days later he tells me he is tired of all the arguing and name calling. He is the one doing all this, but he's tired. I am the one who is tired of it. The physical, mental, and emotional abuse,the violent behavior, name calling endangerment of our children. It affects the children also. Everytime someone raises their voice in the home, my daughter runs to either me or her father whimpering that she's sorry. it's like she feels it's somthing that she is doing wrong that causes arguments and fighting. I was told by a friend that this causes suicide in teens to grow up believing that they are the reason their parents always fuss and fight. As well as it leads teens into the streets, feeling that they are better of away from home so that their parents wouldn't fight.I fear for my children as well as myself. i don't know what to do!

11:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in a relationship for six years with a man that I believed to be my "soulmate", but recently he's been acting so strange, and I can't pinpoint what the matter is. He, first off, is very condescending. I am never right, and if I try to say something, he tells me to be quiet. He has shoved me and hit me on several occasions, including one which I hit the wall and bruised my rib area (on the side under my left underarm). I'm afraid he may have sexually abused me as well, but it's hard for me to understand how that can go on in intimate relationships where sex is apart of everyday life. I've felt very uncomfortable on occasion when he attempts to undress me in public. I know that sounds strange but it's true. He also doesn't seem to care about how I feel. I can cry and cry and he'll just sit there and say nothing. If I try to make a suggestion about his work if he's having a problem, he'll tell me to shut up or ignore me completly.
He suffers from a obsessive distorder about contamination, so I know these have to be linked. I desperately want to help him because there is a good person inside, despite all of the problems. Only, I a non-confrontational kind of person, so I'm scared to present him with these issues. I love him very much, and I know he could get better if he had the right help, but he won't admit to anything being wrong. He sometimes will apologize if he has done something wrong, sometimes. Please, if anyone has any advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it.

Viktoria

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was in a relationship with a man that I loved more than life itself. The only time he seemed to be abusive during the relationship was when we were drinking and I would provoke him to fight. There were many occasions where I was hit, shoved, pushed, pulled and yes beaten. At the time I lead myself, with help from him, to believe that I was to blame for his angry reactions during our nites of drinking. It has been almost a year that we have been apart. He has a new girlfriend that he lives with. We still talk as friends. We talk about his current relationship. Specifically the bad things. He mentions the same type of fighting with her that he had with me. The only differance is he now admits that it is him and his anger that he feels when he is drunk. I recently found out that he got into a fight with her and she ran him over with her car. He blames himself and not her! The thing that I am having a hard time with is for almost 6 years I was told it was me and I believed it. Even a year later I still believe it. I wondered what it was that I could have done differently to make me love me more, hit me less, take responsibilty for his own actions, how I could have been better to him and for him. The hardest thing is to hear from a man that made me feel less than zero finally take responsibilty for the actions he takes when drunk, but only after he suffered a broken leg with pins and a rod. Why didn't he take that same responsibilty when he was bashing my head into the carpet to the point that blood is splattered in the room and my head is split open. I honestly thought that I was in a better place than I was when I left and now I'm not too sure. I had little if no self esteem then and now just when I thought things were getting better inside me I feel even worse now than I did a year ago. Now I sit here typing this not sure if I'm doing it for advise or just to vent. No one knows about the things I went through, I felt so alone then and even more now! I don't know if I should be greatful he finally realized that yes it was him and not the person he is with. Or feel even more resentment for the man that made me feel so inadequate then and even more now? Why was I not good enough?

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm 24 years old and I been married one year, and in the relationship two years. The fight began a week after our wedding, I woke up to him talking to another women on the phone. I asked who it was and he went off on me. That's the day the emotional and verbal abuse began. I finally went to my mom and she tolled me that I had to work through it. She wouldn't accept me getting a divorse.
It's been a year and the abuse is worse, he began pushing, and shoving me. He makes me feel like trash, I always tolled myself I wouldn't let myself get into this type of relationship. But here I am.
Yesterday was maybe the most humiliating one, I try to keep everything to myself but yesterday he went off on my with my mom and his little brother in the car. We arrived at his parents house and he continued, he tolled me that I was nothing and to get the *%*@ out. I found the courage to walkout but he ran out and said sorry. I just can't find the way to let go. I've become an emotional, depressed reck. I feel like just dying sometimes since I have no support, no where to run. I hat myself so much right now. Please help

10:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been married for 35 yrs. and its both mental and physical abuse. I've done many things to angier him and I pay for it. I stop doing those things but I still pay for the past and the future. When I don't say anything or do anything then hit for that and for what happened yrs ago. If I go along with him I get punched. No matter what I do I get punished.

I've left him several times but I keep coming back and for what? More abuse? That's all I get. I talk myself into thinking things will get better, they never do. Now I've afraid to leave because he has promised to make me pay for everything I have ever did to him. I know if I stay he will kill me but I still stay.

What could be worse? Staying or dying? I am so depressed all the time. It's hard to talk to anyone because all you think about is what happened last night and what will happen. Nobady understands this. They think you're antisocial. Even the things I used to do for myself to make me feel better, I no longer do. What's the point?

He claims he hates men who beat women but I deserve it according to him.

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Sandra said...

I just happened by this site, must have had to for some reason other then looking for information for my college essay. I am thankful I did, I was honestly thinking of not coming in this site, but something like made me. Weird. But anyway I read your comments and I cried. I have been married 4 times, this last marrage lasted for 17 years. I did not want to divorce, but then again I could not get out fast enough. Does that make sense? The only kind of abuse this last husband did not do was "sexual". He has beat me, choked me, he did not care what he said to me in front of the kids. But you know what is bad, is I actually think that I did the wrong thing of getting a divorce even today. When I see him and he is in his "nice" mood, that is when I think I did a mistake. Then his "mean" mood comes and I suddenly remember.
I am now in a "mixed" relationship. I will be honest, I love this man, but it is hard to trust. He has been really good with me, we have had a few ups and downs, some I think were kind of major. But you know he will come home every night, and bend down to kiss me while I am asleep, knowing that I will start hitting at him until I wake up.
I guess this emotional stuff I am going through is all due to 4 abusive marriages.

1:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I need help and I think I do!! I been in a relationship with this man for a year and 3 months now. One night he flipped out on me. He threatend to kill me twice before. My male friend called me to check on me because he had to come get me because I was too affraid to go home. Well me and myboyfriend have been living together one night(that night my friend called) my boyfriend got upset and threatend to kill me!! He hit me on my face and i went to work the next day with a swolen cheek.I was so scared to come home the next day and he wanted to have sex with me and i did, but my head was saying hell no!! Get him outta here now. He was very apologetic and being all sweet and everything. He went to jail( not for beating me) and i sit at the house by myself. I do work a 9 to 5 job. Every night that i go to sleep, i have nightmares. These things replay in my head everyday. I forgave him for it but I cant forget it. Before we went to jail, he was helping me with this b/c i was struggling with getting over it in the first place. Everything between us started to shine like the sun again. When he went to jail is when this all started up again. I find myself to be afraid of him and i can't get those images outta my head!!! I dont even think he knows this, but the night he beat me was when he asked me if i wanted to die. I think I need help!! Email me please at nedracotton@yahoo.com. Thanks!!

10:22 PM  
Blogger WebMD Blog Admin said...

To the last anonymous commenter, nedracotton, please start getting the help you need and deserve by talking with your doctor and pursuing therapy.

If you need immediate help, don't hesitate to contact a local women's shelter or women's group or crisis line to find out what resources are available in your area.

It is possible to heal from this kind of trauma and to keep yourself safe.

2:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe all of this, we are all people, if I thought it was acceptable, I'd be cussing every other word of my comment...who do these men think they are??? this is just a bunch of bs, I never realized almost every woman had to deal with this crap, this is just plain not right...I don't know what to even suggest to anyone other than this: we are strong women, we are smart, beautiful, caring, child-bearing, full of life, happy, if this many women can hide this abuse from the whole world, what do you think we can accomplish??? We can accomplish a whole lot of sh.. I am completely amazed at this....I am in an abusive relationship,I'm not even going to tell any of my stories because they're just exactly the same as everyone else's...I mean this is really scaring me, it sounds like half the people out there have tried to get away, and then still went back....understand this...you are a person who equally deserves the right to live happily just as any other person in this world does, be it a man or a woman, tell this to yourself in your head, DAILY....repeatedly, I don't care how many times, out loud, to yourself, but please, please tell yourself that you are important...you can accomplish things, if you need help from someone, please let someone help you...I couldn't tell you how many times I have stared myself down in the mirror and said you are somebody...you are smart, you are pretty, you can do this...you will get through this, and on the other hand, I'm still crying for help...I stare at the sky and think it is so beautiful, maybe I could get lost in it & forget about all of this dumb stuff...but that's not going to solve anything now is it??? Let's be strong together, if I had money, I would so help all of you, I would show you that this is NOT how life is supposed to be, I still am completely amazed at this....I had a great childhood, and so I was starting to think that maybe I had to deal with this sh.. at home because if God was to bless me with a great childhood, then maybe I was to suffer later in life because I was blessed with a good childhood, but then I think, no that's just because of the abuse, I'm trying to find a way to justify this, and that's a bunch of bs too....you wouldn't believe some of the crap that goes through my head....I am trying to be a good person, and I know none of you know me, nor will you probably ever know me, but I'm very serious about being a good person, I have lost several very, very important people in my life, and every night I pray to God that they are in heaven with God, and for that, I am trying to be a good person so that I may have the chance to see/talk or something with these poeple I have lost, so to try to carry the weight of the loss of these people, carry the weight of having a complete Ahole for a significant other, carry the weight of being a parent, and trying to raise my children to be good people, and trying to remain a good employee, and trying to move forward, all of this is completely draining on a person, but you know what, I'm willing to deal with that if it means I can have a better life at some point in my life....you know, someone said to me that it's good that you're trying to be a good person, but it's not good to waste your whole life, so at some point when I'm ready to change my life, I will, it's just that he is such a good dad, I don't know how, but he really honestly is a very good father, and the kids absolutely love him, so I don't want to take the kids away from him, and I do not want to leave the kids with him...I will never leave the kids, so that is my story, caught in a mess that will hopefully work itself out...but for all of you women out their suffering, I will add you to my prayers every night...I hope that more of us can get out, stay out, and move on....for the person who is still talking to their ex about the new relationship with his new girlfriend & how he realizes now that it is his problem, and not the girl's problem, I say quit talking to that F***** period, he's still managing a way to make you feel like crap, I say forget about him, and if I ever get out of this, which I will eventually, but it may not be for years, I wouldn't care the slightest bit to do it alone, I don't need a man for anything...and my mother & father are the most caring people I could ever know, and I was raised to know that I am smart, pretty, and strong, so thank God for my parents, or else, I would not make it through this trying time, and I have been in this relationship for 11 years, and started very young....please, please, let's be strong women, don't let someone else bring you down, you are very special, and you are here for a reason, my relationship is sometimes physically abusive, but not very often, and not since the last time when I decided I'm not scared anymore, this man is not going to push me around without consequences, so I pushed him back, and of course, I got pushed again, a lot harder the second time which flung me across the room, onto some crap on the floor, into a tumble, and I pissed in my pants, but I still stood up and he didn't know what to do after that, I went into every room he did, and showed him that I will no longer take the physical aspect of this abuse, but I would NOT suggest that to anyone else, I think I just got lucky on that one....but the mental abuse is still their daily, you know how it goes, I'm stupid, stupid, and stupid again, I should do this & do that, and why don't I do this, and then you try to keep them happy by doing some things they want you to do, but then they want you to continue to do that crap, and then it's well why don't you do this, and that, and this, or that...blahblahblahblahblah, here's one for the men...why not instead of me having to shut the F### up all of the time, how about you shut the F*** up this time, and how about I slam your head into something this time, and how about I drive your car into the ditches, and how about I tell you you're stupid, and why can't you do this, or this, or that, and how about you get your lazy F****** A## up off the couch and be a real man...HUH, how about that!!! But no, I won't do that because I do not want to stoop to your level, and I (no matter how you have made me feel) will not allow myself to treat you like crap, and try to lower your self esteem any more than I'm assuming it is already, or you wouldn't be acting this way....to all the women out there...please be strong...we are all worthwhile....what I'm trying to say here about my life, is that if I can just wait until my kids are old enough to take care of themselves, then I will get out, I have contemplated many different ways to approach this, and I'm being very selfish because I do not want this man to have my kids every other weekend, what if he gets too drunk, and starts being an Ahole to them because I'm not around, I will not even go that route, but I don't want to steer any of you the wrong way, I just think a lot of the stories on here are sad, and I want to help all of you, I can't believe some of this stuff, seriously...I want everyone to know that they should love themselves, maybe if you like to write, you could write about your feelings, and list the things that make you special, I mean the smallest and/or the biggest things can make a person special, but I guarantee you that there is something that makes you special, there is not a person in this world who was created without something great about them...that's how we are...we are supposed to be happy and live good lives...and EVERYONE deserves better than any of these stories, you know I even had to go to a website to tell me the signs of mental abuse, to make sure that I wasn't just thinking this was abuse and that it's really not...really that was just me hoping that this wasn't a problem that I have to deal with, and guess what I found out, the website said here are a few things that can tell if your relationship is abusive, so I read through them all and the first about 8 things were exactly how our relationship was, but then there were a few things that don't happen in our relationship, so I thought to myself for a second, do all of these have to apply for it to be an abusive relationship, or because not all of them apply, does that mean I'm not in an abusive relationship??? Then I thought what are you thinking??? Of course the relationshiop is abusive, stop trying to ignore it....I mean how bad is it when I have to actually take a test to see if this is really abuse??? So then I started crying because that was like, ok, now that it's in writing in front of your face, and you keep trying to second guess yourself, you are clearly in an abusive relationshiop, and that really scares me, but I am going to try to get through this & I found some phone numbers to help me...I will post again, I'm sorry I've been so abrupt, but I just thought I was in some type of glass room, cut off from the rest of the world, but pretending not to be...I guess I didn't realize how many people this happened to........May God Bless all of us.....

5:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read everyone's comments here and know what everyone means. I was with my son's father since high school. He was always verbally abusive. He got physical a few times. We ended up splitting up for 4 years. Recently we got back together. He assured me that he had grown up and changed. For a while things were better than they ever were and we moved back in together. Soon, he began to be abusive again. Only this time the physical part was so much worse than I ever imagined it could be. He even grabbed our seven year old son and slammed him down when we were trying to leave once because he knew I wouldn't leave without him. I finally went to the police and filed charges, which they are not persuing, and filed a restraining order. The reason I am writing this is I was wondering if anyone has gone through this and left with children and how ot has affected them. My son's behavior has changed drastically. He has days where he won't want me to go to work or leave him (he stays with my mom and is also on the restraining order so his dad cannot come near him either), but he also has become incredibly angry. He screams, punches walls, throws things, etc. I have absolutely no clue how to deal with any of this and feel very responsible. I should have never put him in this situation. We have gone to a couple counseling seesions, but my insurance expired and I signed up at work but it doesn't kick in until next month and we will be able to go back. I could really use some advice. The last thing I want is for him to turn out like his father.

6:56 AM  
Blogger WebMD Blog Admin said...

To anonymous above,

There are resources available out there for you and your son. Start with this page, which has hotline numbers for you to call. Please do call them.

Our family advice message board is also a great resource.

I hope you'll check back in and let us know how you're doing.

1:21 PM  
Anonymous tessa said...

oznI have bad anxiety & panic Attacks.I've been on xanax for 9 years I been getting 120 2mg for at least 6 of those yaers . I'm almost 29 & 5 months pregnant with my 2nd child & my anxiety is getting worse. I can't cut back what should I do. tessa

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mental is much worse,I have been dealing with it for to long I know I will get away from him soon..but he also have mental problems,he done it so long he got use to it.

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For 11 years I was raised in an abusive household. It ended when my father killed my mother in a fit of rage because she had filed for divorce after 15 years of living in fear. I went to live with relatives and for the first time knew what a truly loving family was all about. After a while, I was sent back to live with my father and the abuse continued until I turned 18 and moved out. I got married way too young and did not realize that my husband too had been raised in a very dysfunctional family. That was what we had in common and I suppose what drew us together. We did fine until I became pregnant with our first child. The stress of responsibility was too much for my husband and he started drinking, more than socialy, he drank and smoked dope (he said to calm him down so he could cope). I begged him to stop but it only got worse. After several years and a couple more children, his abuse became so severe I feared for my own life and my childrens' lives. My husband put us all in danger and would talk about killing the kids, then me, then himself so we'd all be happier....

I could not stand this and out of fear, left him and went to stay with friends until I could get on my feet so to speak. I suffered from depression, poor self esteem and had it not been for my children, I would have killed myself years ago just to end the pain I have deal with for so many years. I had a hard life but it got better each year I was away from the abuse. I basically have raised my kids alone and they are doing pretty good considering. My sons turned out to be great fathers despite their lack of a role model.

I have been engaged several times and have had several decent relationships with non-abusive men since I left my kids father over 20 years ago. I am still single and have found that for me, it is about trust. It is VERY hard for me to get close to someone I can not trust. You trust your parents to take are of you... that trust was betrayed. I trusted my husband to be my mate and a father to our children, to care for us and keep us from harm... that trust was also betrayed.

For the past 10 years I have had a wonderful, loving relationship with a man whom I trust with my life. I trust him because he has never done anything to make me not trust him and he's only acted with my best interest at heart. I love him dearly. The problem is, he can't let go of his past and love me back. We can never be more than friends because he too was abused in some way as a child and has chosen to not talk about it.

My health, physical and emotional both, have suffered over the years. The best advise I can give anyone, is to choose positive people to be close to. If someone is not a positive influence in your life, if being around them does not benefit your well-being in some manner, then you are wasting your time. I do not mean those who use others or allow themselves to be used... I am refering to people who do not judge you, who love and support you just the way you are, scars and all.

Whether it's church, a supportive family, or just good friends... keep people close to you that are a positive influence and you'll be better off in the long run. Don't ever think that you can't take care of yourself, you can. Don't ever allow yourself to give up hope, hope for a better life is out there...it's hard work, I won't lie it isn't easy... but it is attainable if you want it bad enough.

At present, I live alone, my children are grown and have children of their own. I have a great job and a very understanding boss who knows my past. I have never used what happened to me to gain pity, I only asked that people understand that I'm not like most 50 something old ladies they know. I still have some physical issues and the emotional scars from 40 some odd years ago. They don't go away, they heal over in time...slowly and sometimes painfully...but they do heal.

Have faith, trust in yourself, and know that you are NOT alone and there IS help, you just have to ask and be open to what has to be done to make your life better. I did and have no regrets.

By the way, the husband had a mental breakdown and overdosed himself years ago... he basically died alone and in pain. I forgave him before he died, I hope he forgave himself.

9:08 PM  
Blogger KATHY said...

I NEED SUPPORT,MARRIED TOO CONTRL FREAK,TAKING MONEY FROM MYSELF,KIDS.TAKES HIS MONEY GOES OUT WITH FRIENDS LEAVES ME HOME ALONE ,DONT SPEAK TO ME FOR DAYS ,SOMETIMES WEEKS, I HAVE HAD NO ENTERTAMENT FOR 2 YEARS I FEEL AS IF I'M A TAD ALONE.IF HE DONT GET HIS WAY.I PAY FOR IT HE LEAVES ME WITHOUT MONEY ,I ONLY GO TO WORK THEN BACK HOME. I KEEP A CLEAN HOME,I DO EVERTHING IN THE HOUSE EVEN THE YARD,TRASHI FEEL LIKE A SLAVE.I HAVE OR CANT TALK TOO ANYONE IM ON A EMOTIONAL ROLLCOASTER.IM SCARED ,EVERYONE LIKES ME BUT HIM, HE THINKS OR TELLS ME I CRAZY,DEPRESSED WHEN I TRY TO TELL HIM HOW I FEEL H ALTERS THINGS TO SUITE HIM UNTIL I FEEL IMPARIED ,CONFUSED,SCARED,I,M A HARD WORKER ,USE TO FEEL SMART. HAVE JOB PAY HEALTH CARE BENEFITS,RETIREMENT. ON JOB 15YEARS.PLEASE HELP ,THANKS FOR LISTENING ITS THANKSGIVING.THANKS FOR THIS SUPPORT.

10:07 PM  
Blogger WebMD Blog Admin said...

Dear Kathy,

To anonymous above,

There are resources available out there for you and your children. Start with this page, which has hotline numbers for you to call.

Our Couples Coping message board is also a great resource. Despite its name, the people on that board are very good at helping anyone who is in an unhealthy marriage who may be looking for support to make some changes.

1:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to see someone that managed their way out of this abusiveness has come out of the situation very positive & still took the time to tell the rest of us...that really helps to show there is hope....I have already left a blog (very very long one) on this site, I have a great job, great children, but a very verbally & sometimes physically abusive significant other....I'd like to know if I sneak away with the children to another place, if that is the wrong thing to do, I just don't see any other way out of this, but I don't want to make my situation worse, so I don't know what to do...I just need some guidance....please...sometimes I can remain very positive, but after another argument that I thought was going to end ok, and it didn't end ok, and it was Thanksgiving night which just makes me feel even better about it, I'm just really getting fed up with this crap....I feel like a child, if I could just have a handbook that would give me the answer, then I would follow what it says, but it's so much more complicated than that...I don't know what to do???,....I don't like to tell people because I don't want them to be burdened with my problems, that's just how I am....but I'm really getting to a bad point where I've got to do something about this...and I don't want the children to be put in an abusive situation so I don't want to leave, because I don't want them to be alone with their father....I'm afraid he'll act the way he acts towards me to them if I'm not around.....

12:58 PM  
Anonymous strong will said...

am right now in a situation that it is both abuses phy. and menta.i am very strong just at this time i have no way of supporting myself no place to stay if i had i be long gone he keep me on all tye of spot where i can't make it without him plus we been together 22 yrs he also involve w/ someone outside of me 17yrs he supspect i want to leave yes i do if yall know a place tha can be helpful well exp.in medical as phlebotomist ang medical asst.

8:55 PM  
Anonymous strong will said...

am right now in a situation that it is both abuses phy. and menta.i am very strong just at this time i have no way of supporting myself no place to stay if i had i be long gone he keep me on all tye of spot where i can't make it without him plus we so he think been together 22 yrs he also involve w/ someone outside of me 17yrs he supspect i want to leave yes i do if yall know a place tha can be helpful well exp.in medical as phlebotomist ang medical asst.

8:56 PM  
Anonymous stong will said...

hopefully soon and another his pet peed calling me stupid we will see.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous stong will said...

hopefully soon and another his pet peed calling me stupid we will see.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous herbestfriend said...

I have a friend, "Sue" she has been in her relationsip for 18 years, now that she has seperated from her abuser, her oldest son has took up the slack for his dad, and sees fit to be the abuser at age 14! He went to juvi last nite... for abusing his mom, I called the police... Sue has developed a drinking problem to cope with her depression, a very big drinking problem, she hit rock bottom last nite, I think she is ready for help to quit drinking and start loving herself.. I wrote this poem for her. hopefully it will copy and paste as I wrote it. God bless you all for the strength you have and will aquire, and well I guess this poem is for all of you.. - Trisha


I am……

I am a beautiful woman
I am a great mother
I am a loving person
I am a caring friend
I am a worthy advocate
I am a strong soul
I am worth every breath god gives me
I AM ME, I LOVE MYSELF

I love myself for my heart, sanity, soul and for my beautiful children, I LOVE MYSELF

I am NOT a doormat
I am NOT a punching bag
I am NOT a recycling bin for verbal abuse
I am NOT a waste
I am NOT an abuser

I will NOT continue to destroy myself, for the pure pleasure of everyone else’s sick sadistic needs.
I will NOT continue to let anyone tell me how to live my life.
I will NOT continue to let anyone tell me how to raise and discipline my children.
I will NOT continue to abuse alcohol
I will NOT continue to abuse my self
I will NOT continue to cheat myself out of the notion of my worthiness, I AM THE WORTHYEST!!!

I am broken for now, I am changing, I will be whole again for myself because I love my self and I love my children.

I WILL learn to love myself
I WILL surround myself with people who tell me like it is, even when it hurts
I WILL raise my children to love and respect themselves and me.
I WILL make it one day at a time

I AM……..

2:24 PM  
Anonymous kay said...

i would like to sue my former brother in law for undue mental stress during a difficult time in my life. after 16 years of marriage, i found out at the police station that my former husband was running a teenage prostitution ring and a burglary ring. a doctor had told his brother something was wrong something was wrong with my husband 9 months before. then he was asked what he was doing with jailbait at a local lake. he also knew he had an adult girlfriend. he helped move her, stored her appliances, etc. and i knew nothing until after his arrest. my former is also a sciopath. he's lied about what i was shown at the police station(d. having sex with a teen on my bed while i was working, told people i made it up. through the years he and his illegally adopted son have made remarks, especially the son like screaming at me "your husband ruined my high school years". i had a 6 year old son that got teased too. besides, he wasn't my husban d after a quick divorce but he was still the kid's father's brother. his wife manipulated me to dump his bike. i was in therapy at the time and she even called my therapist to have me call her once i stopped talking to her. his brother had me arrested for dumping his bike because of his wifes manipulation. the brother wanted me to take out5 a second mortgage of 20,000 on the house to pay for his lawyer. his wife too. he got nothing. i have a borderline personality with severe depression as the result of it all. i want to get a lawyer and sue this bum for all the suffering he and my ex put on me.

5:30 AM  
Anonymous Distressed in NY said...

My first marriage was my mistake.

My second marriage was supposed to be a dream. I fell in love and quickly married the man who loved me so much that he was jealous of all other men in my life. Telling signs, but I didn't see them.

I moved cities to be with him. New place. New city. New husband. Things were supposed to be brilliant.

What entailed was extremely high levels of emotional abuse - for having boyfriends in the past, for being previously married, for talking to other men, for talking to family, for not having a job to support ourselves. Then he became violence. Exetremly so. My face is now huge and I sport scars that I"m scared will never go away. My husband makes me cover my head when we go out, and most times he doesn't take me because he's scared people will ask what happened. I look like I've been beaten but he shows no sign of remorse. He doesn't say sorry. After he beats me, he wants to have make up sex because he's so frustrated and because it's the only thing i am good for.

What do I do? I love him. I really do. He's a great guy and fun to be with when he's not beating me. I want to run away when he beats me but when he loves me, I love him so much that I forget. I forget the abuse, my promise to be with him till death do us apart is rekindled. Until the next time he hits me.

5:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi I am a 19 year o1d gir1 whos in a abusive re1ationship.i cant te11 anyone because im embarrased and i cant ta1k to my on1y freind because im afraid he11 find out.this is the first time i ever rea11y to1d anyone about this and is on1y because is anonymous.about a few weeks ago i had to make a report about him hitting me A11 because i went out with my sisters and cousin and forgot to ca11.since then i to1d everyone that we dont go out but the truth is that he said he didnt mean to do it and he was sorry and i forgave him.I though he rea11y meant it but that wasnt the first time either that it happend just the first i ca11ed the cops. a few days 1ater i was a 1itt1e 1ate to meet up and he started screaming and ca11ing me names but no hitting i saw he rather wa1ked away.I have tried severa1 times to break it up but i know he wi11 be in front of my house or never ending ca11s. I know deep down he might never change and in the end is either he wi11 try to ki11 me as he so seems 1ike he wants to or i end up doing something to myse1f.
we11 i cant exp1ain everything on this space because is much more comp1icated but i know that if i can turn back time i wou1d have never forgiven him the first time he ever disrespected me i fee1 1ike is too 1ate now.

3:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I Thought I would never be in this type of relationship with this man.He knew what I been though with my ex and he was there for me and my son's now somedys I wish I would of never met him. How can I possible love someone like him but the strange part is that I really I'm in love with him.How crazy is that or is because he has made me crazy and I can't see beyond all the verbal abuse and and name calling that I've lost myself esteem and his broke my spirit that I just stay because I feel like a failure and not worthy.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a victom of verbal, mental, physical, and emotional abuse. I am a 20 year old single mom, living with my abusive boyfriend. He only gets physical when he drinks and has never touched my kids. I love him, but even when he's not drinking he's mentaly, verbaly, and emotionally abusive. I've had enough and am moving out and on with my life to better things. I dont know if I will date again until my kids are grown, but the least I can do for them and myself is to get us away from his abusiveness. I dont want my kids to see that, and see that i take it and dont do anything about it and think that it;s ok. Wish me luck.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am currently sitting here scared out of my mind and dreading the moment my husband comes home. He scares the life out of me. He is currently out of town in Las Vegas for March Madness with his friends and he comes home tomorrow night. Before he left we got into an ugly fight. He has an anger problem and always starts to break things or smash things because he gets so upset. The night before he left he was sitting at the dinner table and we started to argue about how much money he wanted to take with him to Vegas. I was more interested in paying the bills for our home and for the business we have. He wanted me to hold off on paying some of those bills so that he could take more money to gamble with. I insisted that the bills were more imporant and that whatever was left he could take. Well he didn't like that and got very upset and violent. He took his plate full of food and threw it across the room. It broke against the wall and a piece of it hit me in the face. My ten year old witnessed the whole thing. Since this is not the first time he blows up like this, I became hysterical and told him that it was over and that I was through with him. I told both my children 6 and 10 to get their shoes on that we were leaving. My husband forced me to stay. He wouldn't let me go. He was yelling at me and telling me to shut up and go in my room that I was not leaving on his watch. I will leave when he says so. I ran in my bedroom and closed the door. At that moment, my sister in law called me on my cell phone and my husband caught me talking to her on the phone. He began yelling and telling me that he was going to kill me if anyone (meaning the police) showed up at our door. I freaked out and hung up the phone. Then my sister in law called the house number and he answered. She yelled at him and told him that he needed to leave me alone and that she had heard him threatening to kill me. He yelled at her and told her to mind her own business and then slammed the phone into the ground causing it to brake into pieces. Ten minutes after that, the police showed up. They came in the house but by that time he had cleaned everything up. They figured we were just arguing but they asked me (not in front of him) if I was ok. I told them that I was scared and that he was getting very violent. They didn't arrest him because he didn't hit me but 15 minutes after they left, he left. Then 20 minutes after he had left I called his cell to find out where he was. I was hoping he had left town or gone to his parents house. Anyway, he came home later that night and promised he would get counseling. I have heard him say this to me for the past 8 years but he never does it. I can no longer take this abuse from him. He always tells me he's going to kill me or that he's going to take and ax to my head or that he's going to bury me. I fear for my life everytime he gets angry. I can't live like this anymore. I have to wonderful boys that I must protect and make sure they don't grow up thinking it's ok to treat women this way. The thing that really makes my blood boil is that after everything that happened that night, he still went to Vegas with his friends. He's over there drinking it up, laughing it up with his buddies having a good old time and in the mean time, I'm sitting here trying to build the courage to leave him. I'm so afraid to leave because I'm afraid of what he'll do to me if I do. I feel like such a stupid idiot not knowing what to do.

1:37 AM  
Blogger WebMD Blog Admin said...

anonymous above,

I'm so sorry that you're in the middle of this crisis. Please call the National Domestic Violence hotline -- Here's the number: 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).

I hope you are safe and take steps to keep yourself safe in the future.

7:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope to God you can get out....don't feel like an idiot, he's the idiot, you are a strong smart woman, please try to get out, I know it's hard & I'm still trying to get out of mine, but I think if all of us women can join together to break this vicious cycle, we can eventually weed these bad men out, and raise children to not be that way...I know it's hard, I have left now & then went back 2 days later, he was going to stop drinking, and it has been about 5 or 6 weeks, and guess what? he's drinking again, he says just a beer or 2, but he's full of crap, I don't drink at all, and I can tell as soon as I see him if he's been drinking, but that's not all that gives hime away, his eyes, his negative attitude, his disgusting smell (beer, sorry can't stand it), his slurred words; now I'm ready again, but this time obviously he will not be able to convince me to come back because we both know he can't stop drinking, I think I'm going to leave at the end of the school year so the kids can have the summer to adjust to the change & hopefully it won't affect their grades....may God be with you, and try to be strong, realize that you are a smart woman with wonderful children, and remind yourself "you CAN do this", let's break the vicious cycle

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope anyone being abused now or has just got out of an abusive relationship does take steps to get help. I was abused sexually, physically, mentally as a child by family members and now here I am almost 20 years later and it still affects me and am just now seeking help before wonderful marriage starts having problems. For me the physical abuse was worse because it stills effected me mentally and emotionally. I hope in the end we all find true happiness within our selves and relationships.

1:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 17 years old and my dad emotional abuses me. I used to view myself as a fighter, a warrior. I had the mind set I could over come everything. But now, I am defeated and I view myself as a server and I think of killing myself. Within the last year, my dad's been beating me down emotionally. Always yelling, never letting me explain myself. To him I have no mind. When I try to explain a situation he gets ever madder and says, I am talking back. When I'm in my room and he comes through the door I automatically think "What did I do now?"

What really hurts the most is that I 'was' my dad's baby girl when I was younger. And now I feel no more than a slave. I don't know how to get away from it.

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in a relationship that started off very, very troublesome - I really could not understand his behavior - since I had never been through it before. I would be getting ready - my 14 yr. old son is home... and he comes to me and says (this is after less than 5 mins) he left.

He did it again saying (not waiting for anywhere near even 5 mins.) I don't have patience for this sh**. He had been drinking... I forgave - then something else and I forgave - he lies constantly, he does not end his last marriage of 10 years ago - his main issue is money - then jealousy - it is so messed up - and yet, I keep taking him back. Well... the last torture of my mind was him telling me I attacked his relative at the party we went to the night before and that I said "NOW HE IS WHAT I WANT"! He said I embarrassed him in front of his entire family - you see there was weed involved - well, then I was picking up someone else while w/ him - and he tormented me w/ questions and his eyes - tearing into - saying.. "WHAT, CANT YOU REMEMBER? YOU DONT REMEMBER, DO YOU - YOU ARE SICK"! Then after I just would not accept the things I knew I was not guilty of - I called his family! She was delighted to hear from me - and assured me I did not ATTACK a family member... merely held myself up because I almost fell off my 3-legged chair I ended up in! She said I was very fun and looked forward to seeing me and Uncle at the reunion. Then after reassuring myself and saying to him... I TOLD YOU - I DID NOT DO ANY OF THE THINGS YOU ARE SYAING I DID!!! He looked at me with an evil smirk - and said "I know"... After making me physically sick with worry - even though I knew I was right... Mind games - and then says I play games... I am babbling... He brags about how he has a trust fund - yet he wont use a bank card - and over 6 months time of living here full time... other than his run home to roomies and drink for a few... that way I dont have to pay - I am not living there... Supposedly help me w/ $200 a week... I received a total of $230... the entire 6-7 months! Honestly - I was told by a couple of people to make him carry his weight - because I did not think about it that way - and I am on disability!!! Sorry.. I will stop.

2:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have hope for the future. for myself...instead of a man who throws you crumb and laughs at you while you choke on it.

abuse sucks i try to read this and find some insperation in it when thing are bad. well ok that is everyday. my husband is very controling, verbaly abusive, a lier strait to your face, and and scares the crap out of me. like alot of you on here i do feel your pain. trust me. i keep praying and i have faith that things will get better.

4:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for the really great poem "herbestfriend" (Trisha?) I cried when I read that....it very much applies to me. I am drinking way too much because I can't stand the pain anymore in my relationship. I get home from work and have to deal with total crap every day of my life from my SO aka the man-of-my-life, my prince charming.

Funny, with the progress that we as women have made...I earn about 50% of our household income...I still contribute 75%+ to the household chores/task/family management.

Lots of history...but hey that is for the psychologist/therapist...that I hope to find soon.

Me?
- 3 beautiful little girls
- Jekyl/Hyde of a husband
- 15 years married
- great job
- great career
- i am smart
- i put up with verbal abuse
- i put up with subversive physical abuse (shoving, elbowing, etc.)
- i want out but can't do it because he is a 'great' dad

So, now I am trying to be 'smart' about the thing...don't want to leave the family in a financial lurch and without...but am really, really tired.

9:25 PM