Anxiety and Children
A child's life, or so we adults seem to think, is free of all the cares of adults and filled with only those frivolous things like parties and play dates and just fun, fun, fun. If life is so filled with fun, then how come so many kids get those awful morning stomachaches or don't want to go to bed at night or act so moody that we wonder who they are? Could it be that it's not all fun?
Consider what many kids have to contend with in their lives. They not only have to go to school, they have to maintain their grades, do their homework, be involved in organized after-school activities and look forward to weekend "academies" for additional drills on math and reading as well as summer camps for college prep courses. Oh, how much fun could one kid want?
How would you feel if your every waking hour, or so it seems, were filled with nothing but organized and demanding activities? When I was a kid, I could go outside and explore the moss that grew on the side of trees or hunt for wild orchids in the woods. Summer was time off from school and I dreaded that awful "Back to school!" signs the merchants plastered all over their windows. I didn't want to go back to school. I wanted to play and swim and catch crabs at the dock and just enjoy life. Unrealistic, I know, but I wasn't giving a thought to growing up.
I've heard mothers complain that they are just chauffeurs for their kids, shuttling them from one activity to the next and always worrying that they might not get into the "right" college. Just what is the "right" college and is that "right" for the kids. We're hearing from professionals who indicate that "a little stress" is good for a child because it pushes them to finish projects and work harder. Who measures how "little" a "little stress" and how does a parent know when it's too much.
Agreed that children aren't the ones to make long-term career goals for themselves and it's a good idea to get a good education, but weigh the risks here, please. Over-scheduling a child and leaving them no time for the wonder of imagination can mean leaving them vulnerable to school-related anxieties, phobias and depression.
Remember that everyone needs some downtime.
Related Topics: Chronic Stress May Boost Anxiety, Parenting in 'MySpace' Era Challenging
Technorati Tags: parenting, anxiety, superkids
Consider what many kids have to contend with in their lives. They not only have to go to school, they have to maintain their grades, do their homework, be involved in organized after-school activities and look forward to weekend "academies" for additional drills on math and reading as well as summer camps for college prep courses. Oh, how much fun could one kid want?
How would you feel if your every waking hour, or so it seems, were filled with nothing but organized and demanding activities? When I was a kid, I could go outside and explore the moss that grew on the side of trees or hunt for wild orchids in the woods. Summer was time off from school and I dreaded that awful "Back to school!" signs the merchants plastered all over their windows. I didn't want to go back to school. I wanted to play and swim and catch crabs at the dock and just enjoy life. Unrealistic, I know, but I wasn't giving a thought to growing up.
I've heard mothers complain that they are just chauffeurs for their kids, shuttling them from one activity to the next and always worrying that they might not get into the "right" college. Just what is the "right" college and is that "right" for the kids. We're hearing from professionals who indicate that "a little stress" is good for a child because it pushes them to finish projects and work harder. Who measures how "little" a "little stress" and how does a parent know when it's too much.
Agreed that children aren't the ones to make long-term career goals for themselves and it's a good idea to get a good education, but weigh the risks here, please. Over-scheduling a child and leaving them no time for the wonder of imagination can mean leaving them vulnerable to school-related anxieties, phobias and depression.
Remember that everyone needs some downtime.
Related Topics: Chronic Stress May Boost Anxiety, Parenting in 'MySpace' Era Challenging
Technorati Tags: parenting, anxiety, superkids
25 Comments:
I took a test to see If I may have PTSD and I answered yes to all, but Is It possible to have It and It not start to show up until about 12 after the event? Please write me back If you get time. rockerbaby72188@hotmail.com
Sorry, but this blog cannot provide answers to questions other than those related to the posted blog item.
I suggest you re-post this on the Anxiety/Stress Board. I'm sure you'll find answers there and responses from the members who are great.
Dr. Farrell,
An important blog! It pains me to see kids who don't have a clue what to do with themselves if nothing is scheduled. I wonder how it affects their imagination, too.
There are also kids who are not over-scheduled who suffer from anxiety. I hope you will address that too. Ways to identify it and how to help them. So often they are labeled as spoiled, bratty, crybabies, brats, all sorts of unkind labels, and they suffer even more because of that. They suffer because no one understands, and they don't understand either.
I think for a parent to acknowledge something like anxiety in a child is to feel as having failed as a parent and that embarrassment and guilt can make a parent choose to deny there is a problem rather than help the anxious child. It's so sad when a child doesn't get help with fears and it can affect them into adulthood. Lucky is the adult who is able to see it and get help for it.
I also think that parents that over-schedule their kids are avoiding the kids, too. Sometimes I think they don't know what to do with them. Imagine the next generation who will think parenting means driving SUV's and grabbing dinner at the drive-through!! Yikes!
Thanks again for a great blog.
~Tasker
Anxiety is also a genetic trait that runs in families. My daughter had anxiety but being busy with athletics taught her how exercise helps the body mentally as well as physically. She learned stress coping skills as well. I think it depends on the child's personality. Some children like to be busy, others need to have time to relax. Some kids these days always seem to want to be entertained, they can't handle boredom.
Please write something about the kids that have working parents and have no transportation to get anywhere! They sit at home and baby sit siblings or live on the computer.This does not make a well adapted social ground for them.
My grandchildren live in a town that has NO transportation and most live too far from friends to walk or get to friends or a store.
They are lonely and the anxeity builds up just as much or more than those with busy schedules. Altho I do not believe in over scheduling either.
Thank you! My son has the same problem - he has no friends that live walking distance from us. And all too often, because of all the parents' work schedules, the boys can't get together as often as they'd like. Boredom and loneliness are other serious problems with children, though, like you, I don't believe in overscheduling.
Someone else said:
Please write something about the kids that have working parents and have no transportation to get anywhere! They sit at home and baby sit siblings or live on the computer.This does not make a well adapted social ground for them.
My grandchildren live in a town that has NO transportation and most live too far from friends to walk or get to friends or a store.
They are lonely and the anxeity builds up just as much or more than those with busy schedules. Altho I do not believe in over scheduling either.
Downtime can be time for creativity and flexing those muscles of imagination that fire so much in us.
I used to take some of the kids in our family on fossil-hunting trips and one of my students took his students (on a native-American reservation) into the hills to re-discover what lay beneath the earth. The kids were blown away.
Computers can be used to keep kids in contact with each other and for research new interests and hobbies.
How can the community come together for these kids? I think that there is a great deal of creativity out there, but people need to see there's a need and then put their heads together.
And all of you are right about the problems with boredom. I see too many times when it leads to oppositional behavior and my heart goes out, too, to those kids who are forced to be babysitters for younger sibs. They deserve some extra consideration for giving up part of their childhood for the family.
My 12yr old suffers from social anxiety. She has all of her school life.(Hind sight is always 20-20) School involvement has been an issue. Elementary school recognized the problem but failed to communicate well enough with middle school. Now we show up to school just after school has started so no one is around when she gets out of the car. She has her good days and her bad. Her bad days, it takes 10-20 mins to get her out of the car. She crys and calls us names and tells us how she hates us. (At the end of the day when we pick her up, she apologizes and tells us she loves us) She sees a counselor but she still is in denial about it. This is the first week after vacation. Every morning she has stomach aches, feels like she's going to vomit and it gets worse as we approach the town where school is. Her counselor gave us an rx for prozac. She told the counselor she didn't want it. I took it and filled it anyway and "hid" it. I didn't even get a chance to get her to take it before she found it and dumped it down the toilet. I told her counselor what she did right in front of her. After a long session this week, she has agreed to try and take it. Her days at school, she has spent most of the days in the school counselor's office with the agreement that she would attend 2 classes a day and increase a class gradually. I think the office help thinks she's faking it. Think she's a brat or something. I don't get why people can't just shut their mouthes and maybe actually think that there is a problem, especially when they know she's in the counselor's office all day. My family tells me she's a stubborn, defiant, spoiled brat. I'm at my whit's end with the family. I'm at the point where visiting them or talking to them on the phone is the last thing I want to do. She has obsessive compulsive tendancies that can drive you insane. Her hair has to be in pigtails and TIGHT! Her hair is starting to break 2 inches from her scalp and her skin is breaking out in the back and I try to tell her it looks like chickens after you pluck their feathers out but she doesn't care. She wears the same clothes every day.... sorry I'll end it now. Just wanted to know if I was alone, after reading some of the blogs, I see I'm not. Looking for help.
I don't know if this is a current blog or not but I would like to comment on the mom passing on genes. My son had the very same type problem in school, he was 10 when it started. He is ADHD and is the social butterfly of my three sons. He loved school and wanted to go but would become so violently ill and actually vomitted. He would cry and say he couldn't do it, he would plead with us and we did not have the heart to force him. My youngest sister also faces the same problem. I think this disorder is far more common than people realize. Like you, I faced school officials and family members who thought he was spoiled or just throwing a fit, you and I both know, having experienced this with our kids that this way of thinking is just plain uneducated. We took our son to countless dr. appointments, different types of doctors and we tried a miriad of medications. I now homeschool all three of my sons and my social butterfly is on imiprimine and rozeram for sleep. But overall things are much better and all three boys are far more relaxed and happy staying home. They still go places and have some activities and field trips but the difference in all of them was enormous from the moment I took them out of public school.
my daughter had the same problem as a mom above only she has been that way her ENTIRE life,when she was 4 she got a svere kidney inf. due to reflux of the bladder(it's all been fixed now) but the hospital was so concerned that she wouldn't talk they did full body scans to see if she had been traumatized-nothing, well we got her in counseling at 4 and they wanted to put her on prozac but cause of just having surgery i said not now, well we moved from OR to WI and when we got here the doc wouldn't do anything- said she was shy, my dd started Kind. not speaking out of the home and still in pullups(not at all trained) I started fighting for her then and it wasn't until Jan of her 1st grade year that I finally was able to get her on prozac(she was still not trained and in pullups till April of her 1st gr year!) about a month after starting meds she finally talked to other kids and 2 months into it she talked to her teachers,she is now 8 and going into 3rd gr fully trained and talking to EVERYONE, it was quite a fight to get her the right help but fully worth it, I just wanted to encourage others with this problem- keep fighting till you get help, by the way my dd is now off the meds(for now anyway) and still doing great.
I SON NOW 6 HAS HAS SOME PROBLEMS WITH ANXIETY SINCE HE WAS IN PRESCHOOL. AT FIRST YOU DO THINK OH IT WILL GO AWAY IT JUST A PHASE BUT ITS NOT. HE IS NOW IN FIRST GRADE AND NOW IM TALKING TO HIS TEACHER AND COUNSELOR. THEN IM GOING TO TAKE THIS INFO AND HAVE A TALK WITH HIS DOCTOR. I THOUGHT THERE WAS OTHER ALTERNATIVES INSTEAD OF MEDICINE BUT IT DIDNT WORK FOR HIM. AND WHAT I MEAN BY ALTERNATIVE IS THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SLEEP, EATING RIGHT, EXERCISE AND ETC. BUT I FEEL SO BAD BECAUSE HE CANT TELL ME WHATS WRONG AND HE DOESNT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS SO IF SOMEONE COULD PLEASE HELP ME THEN I KNOW I WILL DO THE BEST THING FOR MY SON. THANK YOU!
To anonymous at 3:05pm:
To ask Dr. Farrell about your specific situation, post a message for her on her message board.
Thank you!
My son 6yrs old( and half)afraid of freeway.Freeks out sometimes.Not want to do anything just watch out and very naxiously asking many questions.when we get off? How many minutes etc..
He aslo always have separation anxiety, not play with children, likes around adults,(caregivers ,teachers)or very bossie with kids.Any idea??Thanks.email:gabriella.patkos@yahoo.com
I am so "happy" to hear that I'm not the only mom with a very young child-5 yrs. dealing with anxeity/stress. His anxeities range from loud noises to people(even friends) smiling or saying hello to him. He loves school though. He doesn't play with the kids, he only wants to play with his teachers. He has been self soothing by walking in circles and rocking himself. I don't want to medicate him but I can't just ignore the pain he is in. I feel like he'll just snap out of it but I read and see that he might not. How do I help him without forcing him into situations that will cause him even more anxeity and stress? I don't expect him to be "loved" by all but I want him to have friends. Any suggestions would help.
im 14 and some times i just start to cry and i can't stop and i don't know why?
Anonymous above,
There are many possible reasons from hormones to stress to anxiety, but what you should do is talk to your parents or your doctor about it.
I hope you will do that and take steps toward being joyful today.
My daughter is 12 and is in 6th grade at middle school. I have never seen anything like this with the other girls and all the drama. Now all her friends have ganged up on her and don't want to bother with her. She does not want to go to school. But there is more about her - she can be very bossy and she also has a tendency to stifle her friends (always calling, having them over to my house constantly - she never wants to be alone - i don't think this is normal behavior. Please help. I need answers - actually I called a psychologist today to see her. Help!! so distressed
Anonymous above,
Middle school is such a tough time -- I'm so sorry your daughter is having problems. Try posting your question on Dr. Farrell's message board.
Thank you!
My daughter is 7, and has been diagnosed with selective mutism. Shes very quiet at school, wont talk to teachers or kids. Is falling behind at school because of this. Shes been seeing a counselor for several months. Her teachers are very good and have put many hours of work and effort into working with her to feel more comfortable at school. Shes just very nervous, has alot of anxiety, and fears. Her doctor has suggested trying a small dose of prozac to help her anxiety, but my husband and I are leary of medicating her. Does anyone have any advice regarding medication. I'm worried about side effects. Shes a sweet loving girl home but outside of the house shes very nervous.
My daughter is 9 and suffers from morning and evening stomach aches. She constantly complains of the children in school, so I am thinking she is dealing with the stress of fitting in, academics, and home activities. I am still afraid, that this is something extremely serious. Any advice.....
My daughter is now 9 & in 3rd grade. Diagnosed with selective mutism about 4yrs. ago. Her Pre-K teacher at a Catholic school didn't believe in that diagnosis. Started Pre-K @ age 3 1/2. Gabs non-stop at home & to certain relatives. Others she will not speak to, or even won't speak to us if that adult is in the room nearby. Talks to kids at school, but hasn't spoken to any teachers. She took liquid Zoloft mixed with OJ at age 5 and hated the taste. It didn't seem to work anyway, so we took her off of it. She has made progress over the years, reading reports to just kids in her class, no teacher, playing basketball & softball, ice skating, but it seems like she misses out on certain things because of her inability to talk sometimes. My husband is still very quiet & shy, I was as a child, but am now very sociable!Should we get her into counseling before her teenage years? Any specific type of psychologist, psychiatrist, etc?
I believe that my daughter may have anxiety. She only gets mad at me and my youngest daughter. She says that the reason she gets mad is because she doesn't spend no time with my husband. Just like this weekend she spent all day with him Sunday, he gets in in the afternoons and she can spend all this time with him but she says it's not enough. Me and my husband doesn't know what else to do. Can anybody tell me what I might need to do. She is on Focalin for her ADD that she was diagnosed with 3 years ago. She is only 9 1/2 years old. She will be happy one minute then the next she will be ill at us. It will be over stupid stuff like wanting to sit on the same sofa. Can anybody tell me what I need to do it is about to drive me cazy.
My son is now 4yrs old. Going to nursery school at first was hard. He didn't want to be there. That got better. Now when ever he goes to a B-day party w/ his class mates he sits off to the side and doesn't play w/ them. They call out his name to play, but he doesn't move. The look on his face is so sad. When he is 1x1 or even playing w/ a few fiends he is very invovled. It's so unexpected I just don't get it. My family has a long line of anxiety and I'm starting to feel that my son has it too. "Lost in NY"
hello i just wated to say that i have a son who has anxiety also he use to talk but now he does not talk to anyone he will not leave the house so i had to home school him but he use to go to schoo he use to leave the house to play basket ball but now he dont so i have had helps for him they did not know what to do about it do you anybody out know how i can help him to over come from mary
My son has just recently started exhibiting what I think is separation anxiety - he's 8 and just starting the 3rd grade. He cries every night and morning. They have had to pull him out of class because he cries and distracts the other children. All he'll tell me is he can't stop thinking about me and wants to be home with me. He's always liked school and makes good grades. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?
Post a Comment