Etiquette and Social Anxiety
There aren't classes in etiquette anymore, unless you are attending one of the super high-priced "finishing" schools dedicated to the rich and the nouveau riche. No longer do children learn the rules of social behavior or proper dress as they once did. Now, they learn, as we psychologists say, vicariously, meaning they learn by watching. Much of the watching may be of adults in their life or on TV or in films or even video games. So, the potential for learning is rich, but the downside is that they can also learn to be afraid and develop anxiety disorders.
When you were a child, what was one of the first things you learned to do with regard to significant others in your life? For instance, your mother and how she reacted to what you were doing? Wasn't there some signal that you looked for before you continued? I'll bet it was her expression and that's one of the ways anxiety reinforces our behavior.
I watched a little boy put his hand in a decorative planter that had lots of small, white pebbles in the pot. He reached out, scooped up a handful of the pebbles and flung them across the room. In almost the same instant, he turned around to look up at his mother's face. Was she finding it funny or would there be consequences he wouldn't like? The look told everything and, since he didn't see anger, he proceeded to do it again and then he was told to stop. Of course, now he didn't want to stop and the struggle began.
Some adults are now being seen as either super-sensitive to facial cues or just plain super sensitive. At least that's what a study by an Indiana professor found. He said that "highly anxious people tended to judge the change in facial expressions faster than less-anxious people." Okay, doc, but how did they get that way? We know that some people seem more sensitive to facial cues than others. I contend that it's how we've been raised and, sometimes, our training has been overly intense in this respect.
I wonder what he would conclude if he were confronted by a different culture where looking at someone's face is seen as impolite.
Related Topics: WebMD Video: Too Scared: A Tale of Social Anxiety, Best Ways to Ease Anxiety Disorders
Technorati Tags: social anxiety disorder, SAD
When you were a child, what was one of the first things you learned to do with regard to significant others in your life? For instance, your mother and how she reacted to what you were doing? Wasn't there some signal that you looked for before you continued? I'll bet it was her expression and that's one of the ways anxiety reinforces our behavior.
I watched a little boy put his hand in a decorative planter that had lots of small, white pebbles in the pot. He reached out, scooped up a handful of the pebbles and flung them across the room. In almost the same instant, he turned around to look up at his mother's face. Was she finding it funny or would there be consequences he wouldn't like? The look told everything and, since he didn't see anger, he proceeded to do it again and then he was told to stop. Of course, now he didn't want to stop and the struggle began.
Some adults are now being seen as either super-sensitive to facial cues or just plain super sensitive. At least that's what a study by an Indiana professor found. He said that "highly anxious people tended to judge the change in facial expressions faster than less-anxious people." Okay, doc, but how did they get that way? We know that some people seem more sensitive to facial cues than others. I contend that it's how we've been raised and, sometimes, our training has been overly intense in this respect.
I wonder what he would conclude if he were confronted by a different culture where looking at someone's face is seen as impolite.
Related Topics: WebMD Video: Too Scared: A Tale of Social Anxiety, Best Ways to Ease Anxiety Disorders
Technorati Tags: social anxiety disorder, SAD
5 Comments:
When we (my two sisters and I?) did something even once which was what might be called "inappropriate" or not socially acceptable? My Mom would immediately reprimand us. When my two sisters were around 16 or 17 years of age? The rebelled and went out East to college. I never wanted to leave home. I immediately obeyed my Mom's commands - our Dad travelled a whole lot in his job - and was called "the goody-goody" at school and by friends. I never went away that far to college and my frosh and senior years at college? I became psychotic. I am now 53 years old and still dealing with the advocacy of those of us with that stigma!
I agree it is how we were raised. In addition it is whether words were used to express acceptable and unacceptable behavior, the reason(s) why, and the consequences of unacceptable behavior.
I saw a suggestion once on how to set up a child for praise by giving them a suggestion for good behavior; the example used was for a child to pull out/push in Grandma's chair at Thanksgiving dinner. The child was told before leaving home, performed the requested behavior, and recieved praise for doing so. Catching them at doing something good was the idea.
I am 'overly' sensitive and sensitive to facial expressions. I have to challenge myself when I am tempted to 'read' something into a facial expression because anything I read into it would be guessing on my part since I can't know what the other person is thinking.
Tasker
another post the length of a book... sheesh.
CBT is not helpful to everyone; understanding why I felt the way I felt around people was the key. Discussions about what I felt, why I felt it, where it came from, how I was bringing those feelings and thoughts into the present, that I was attributing my thoughts (fears) to others, and that 'thoughts are just thoughts' are what helped me. Replacing the 'tapes' with new 'tapes' was not helpful. Rethinking my thoughts corrected my thinking.
It's obvious to me that my social anxiety came from my mom. I'm worlds better off than she was, but I still can't handle some situations. My mom was terribly, terribly shy to the point where she was barely able to function. Like the article said, I had to learn etiquette by observing, and I still don't know what to do in some situations. I wonder what the solution is. I only hope my kids are better off.
Hi Anonymous at 11:15. My mom also has social anxiety, and so do I, though her's is much worse than mine. She recently wasn't even able to go to my or my sister's weddings because of it. It has put a real strain on our relationship since then. Do you have any advice for dealing with a parent who has social anxiety and can't function in social settings with me?
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