The Art of Relationships

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Get over it.

Just stop worrying.

That’s your problem, not mine.

These are responses that you never want to hear from your partner. They are simply not acceptable. Too often, people wonder whether their partners are right and they are overreacting to something. But, even if you are overreacting, your partner needs to be respectful of your struggles and have compassion for you. AND you need to offer the same to your partner.

When your partner dismisses your concerns, it’s a problem. Even if the issue you are raising is a small one, your partner is – in that moment – failing to show that he or she cares about you. And so their reaction to your small concern is revealing a BIG problem.

Respect, empathy, and compassion are necessary ingredients in healthy relationships.  This applies to any close relationship, not just intimate ones (though it is especially important in these).  So, while the topics people talk about and the activities they share help them to build a close relationship, the actual connection between them is based more in how they feel about and treat each other. While it may seem obvious that caring is essential in any close relationship, its importance is frequently lost in the activity of our lives.

Too often, people turn away when their partners bring up thoughts or concerns that they don’t relate to, care about, or want to deal with. They respond to the content of the conversation without understanding that they are also giving a message about their partner or their relationship. For example, when you raise a concern about your boyfriend’s overly close friendship with another woman, he is only adding to your worries when he dismissively says, “Stop making something out of nothing.” Or, when you tell your girlfriend that you are uncomfortable with her going out at the end of the day with men from work, she is driving a wedge in your relationship with her reply, “Get over it.” Such dismissive responses send the message that they don’t care about how you feel.

Loving someone means trying to really understand them so that you can accept them for who they are and care about that person (not the person you imagine them to be).  So, it’s essential that you take time to get to know your partner. Listen to what they say. Pay attention to what they show you about themselves.

If you have a partner who dismisses your feelings about some topic, talk to them about how this affects you. Pick a time when you are calm. Explain that their response makes you feel hurt, angry, sad or whatever it is that you feel. If this is a theme that is causing an ongoing problem in your relationship, then explain that, too. Make sure that they understand that it’s not just a difference of opinion that bothers you, but rather their dismissive attitude towards you. Then, explain that if they try to understand your thoughts and feelings, you will feel much better about them and your relationship.

I cannot reiterate enough that healthy relationships require lots of caring. You must care enough for yourself to want to be treated well. You must have enough compassion for your struggles to want to ease them. You must care in the same ways about your partner, and expect the same from your partner. When you struggle, what you want to hear from your partner are responses like: I’m so sorry that you are hurting. I love you very much, so please let me know what I can do to help.

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic on the Relationships and Coping Community, click here.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might be inclined to turn to social media outlets, like Facebook, as a way to work on feeling better about yourself. It could be a great place to share, connect with others, and tend to your friendships, all with the safe distance that technology provides. However, just like with face-to-face interactions, your insecurity and your negative perceptions of yourself are likely to get in your way.

Researchers Amanda Forrest and Joanne Wood thought that Facebook would be a great place for those with low self-esteem to strengthen their relationships because face-to-face interactions can feel so much more threatening.  And according to their study, scheduled to be published soon in Psychological Science, they did find that those with low self-esteem feel safer sharing on Facebook. However, the study also found that those with low self-esteem frequently post updates that work against them. They tend to blast their friends with the negative details of their lives, making them less likable.

The authors found another interesting result that had to do with which posts Facebook friends responded to. Those with high self-esteem (who tended to post more positive updates) received more responses to their negative updates. In contrast, those with low self-esteem received more responses to their positive updates. In either case, when there is an increase in responses, it suggests that the ‘friends’ are being supportive of this kind of sharing; that they are encouraging those who are generally positive to share more of their struggles and those who are more negative (with low self-esteem) to share more positive information.

People with low self-esteem might learn something helpful from the lack of feedback to their frequent negative updates along with the increased feedback for their more positive ones. However, the authors of the study suggest that this is not as helpful as the kinds of responses they would likely get in face-to-face interactions. With these situations, friends are more likely to immediately let them know in some way that they are tired of hearing all the negativity.

In reading about this study, it occurs to me that those who struggle with low self-esteem need acceptance, and lots of it. They are best helped by being accepted for who they are, including their strengths and weaknesses. They also need to learn that their value as a person is not based in any particular success. In this context of full acceptance, friends can then help them understand that it is more enjoyable for all if they can focus on more positive things; but that this does not affect their value as a human being. It can be a difficult message to deliver and to truly take in, especially when the recipients are predisposed to see themselves as being rejected.

That said, I honestly don’t know how good of a medium Facebook is for those who struggle with self-esteem. I can imagine it being helpful, as well as just adding to insecurities. Have you, as someone who struggles with self-esteem, had experiences that speak to this? Has it been helpful? Hurtful? Or, have you, as someone who has struggled with how to respond to a negative person, had experiences on Facebook that reflect this issue? Share your thoughts in the comments below or in our Relationships and Coping Community.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Remember the children’s game? He loves me, he loves me not. Loves me, loves me not. And so it goes as you pull one flower petal at a time, ultimately answering that burning question. This may be child’s play, but people continue to play essentially the same game throughout adulthood. He called: loves me. She didn’t return my call: loves me not.

For many, Valentine’s Day is used as a kind of litmus test for whether or not they are truly loved: Expensive gifts, romantic gestures, and love letters mean that they are. Even if they are unsure about the depth of their partner’s love, these offerings at least provide them with something to point to. If they receive none of these things, they feel less special. Either way, their partner’s actions are seen as clear communications about feelings.

While this line of thinking seems to make sense on the surface, there is an intrinsic problem with people using superficial expressions of love as the measure of their partner’s true feelings. Think about the logic of assessing love by the amount of money spent on you. Or focusing on romantic gestures as proof of love. Measuring love by such expressions often yields faulty results. There are people who spend lots of money because of a need to impress. Others are wonderfully romantic because they have a kind of Don Juan complex and seek conquests by making others fall for them. Still others are highly skilled in their persuasive verbal ability to melt your heart, though this may be more about meeting their own needs than satisfying yours. All of these ways of expressing “love” are devoid of the real feeling; they cannot be maintained for the long haul and do not allow for a genuine closeness.

While “real” love might be expressed lavishly or eloquently, it is equally likely to be shown in a plain or awkward manner. However, even when love is not well polished, this diamond-in-the-rough can be more precious than the most magnificent cubic zirconia in the world.

Another important issue to be aware of is that Valentine’s Day is as big as it is because of marketing. Chocolates, flowers, and jewelry seem to be essential because the people profiting from them are willing to invest a lot in advertising to make sure you see it this way. However, just because these messages are ubiquitous, this does not mean that they reflect reality. Valentine’s Day and its trappings are only as important you make them.

Instead of focusing on the outer trappings of love, think more about the actual experience of it. Love is a connection between two people that they work to maintain as they share their lives. This is not the domain of one particular day or of one particular method of expression. Love is something to be felt, mutually shared in whatever way works for you, and celebrated every day of your life — including Valentine’s Day, if you so choose!

All of that said, if you recognize Valentine’s Day, how do you choose to celebrate it? What have you done to show your partner that you truly love him or her? And, in what ways has he or she shown you that they truly love you? Share your thoughts in the comments below or join the discussion in the Relationships and Coping community.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

People who are financially poorer are more compassionate to others’ suffering. At least, that was the finding of an interesting series of experiments conducted at the University of California, Berkeley.

The researchers found that wealthier people are more likely to feel many positive emotions, such as joy, contentment, pride, love, amusement, and awe. However, while enjoying all of these good feelings, they are less able to recognize distress in others. When they did recognize it, they were less empathic (less able to put themselves in the other person’s shoes) and less compassionate (less compelled to help alleviate the other person’s pain).

This was demonstrated particularly well during one experiment, in which 64 subjects were shown an emotionally charged video about families facing the challenges of having a child with cancer. Although everyone felt sad, those who were in the socio-economically lower class had more empathy and compassion. In other words, they were really personally relating to the families in the video and feeling a desire to help.

The lead author of the study, Jennifer Stellar, explained that people in the lower socio-economic classes have had to cope with more problems and threats to their wellbeing. From these experiences, these people developed a more compassionate and cooperative culture. In comparison, the upper classes may be less able to recognize and really relate to signals of suffering because they haven’t had to face as many obstacles.

These results are interesting in that they are counter to the hostility and aggression that many people presume exists in poorer neighborhoods. They also challenge previous scientific studies that found financially poorer people to be more anxious and hostile when faced with hardships.

Perhaps both dynamics are happening simultaneously. As with so much else in life, it could be that the effects of someone’s socio-economic status might be more complicated than this study alone suggests. Also, the study was done with college students, which might affect the results.

Maybe those with significantly fewer financial resources are more stressed and anxious. With this strain, they are depleting their inner resources, making them often less able to manage their feelings effectively. However, by having these experiences, they are also – particularly when not feeling really depleted – more sensitive to recognizing and relating to struggles in others.

How does all of this relate to your experiences? And what are your thoughts about the idea that people who are poorer tend to be more compassionate? Share your thoughts in the comments below or join the discussion in our Relationships and Coping community.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Gossip – the unconstrained talking about others in a (typically) negative way – is generally thought of as being a bad thing. In its worst form, it unmercifully targets its victims and denigrates them. Such gossip also harms those who dish it out – often encouraging them to lead a more self-centered and compassionless existence. Still, gossip is sometimes a good thing.

Prosocial gossip – the good kind of gossip – is the sharing of negative information about someone, but information that protects others from being exploited. So, it is different from other gossip in that it’s not idle chatter; it has a prosocial goal. A good example of this is when Bernie Madoff’s victims talked about feeling victimized, which eventually led to his downfall. Although people don’t usually think of this as gossip, it is gossip in the sense that it is talking about other people in a negative way. Another more common example is when women in an office spread the word about a male colleague who has a history of pursuing women purely for the thrill of the chase. It is precisely this kind of gossip that researchers Feinberg, Willer, Stellar, and Keltner from the University of California investigated in a recent series of studies. They found the following:

People who see or become aware of antisocial acts tend to feel some level of distress, and they are compelled to share information about those who committed the acts – especially to potential victims. This is positive on a few different levels. Not only does it help the potential victim, but it also helps the greater community by curtailing destructive acts that could proliferate. For instance, our office gigolo will run out of victims and everyone will be the better for it – including him. In addition, the person who shares this information benefits. Spreading the word alleviates his or her distress, and this feels good.

Although most people are inclined to engage in prosocial gossip, it’s those who greatly value cooperation and fairness who are particularly inclined toward it, even when it involves a personal risk. These people also feel the greatest relief from doing it.

These findings about prosocial gossip raise many questions. For instance: Are those who engage in the practice seen as more likable and trustworthy than those who don’t? How effective is prosocial gossip in helping groups cooperate more? And, does it really help keep people from acting selfishly?

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic on the Relationships and Coping Community, click here.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

The New York Times had an article this past weekend that addressed how spending time alone is out of fashion. Everyone seems to be constantly interacting and wired to each other. Businesses encourage working groups and often have open floor plans to facilitate communication. And schools have become enamored of the benefits of collaboration. As the article points out, this strong group focus has an unfortunate, unintended consequence: it fails to recognize that the most creative thinking is generated from solitary, uninterrupted time.

By encouraging groupthink, our culture has also elevated the status of extraverts.

Along with enjoying the company of others, extraversion (one of the Big Five traits used to describe personality) is associated with being positive, self-confident, assertive, and successful in life. It brings to mind people like Steve Jobs, part of the inspiration for the above-referenced New York Times article.

A byproduct of prizing collaboration and extraversion is that introverts – who tend to prefer working alone – are frequently seen in less than flattering ways. Often, introverts are perceived as depressed, anxious or aloof. Their introversion is confused with neuroticism, another of the Big Five personality traits. People high in neuroticism are emotionally unstable and frequently experience negative emotions. However, introverts are often as happy and active as extraverted people; they are just not as social and are less interested in influencing or controlling others. In addition, for them, time spent alone – which encourages creative thinking – is something they treasure.

We will all be better off if our culture (and we as individuals) can begin to value the benefits of time spent alone, as well as with others. Working well together can, metaphorically speaking, move mountains. For evidence of this, just look to the accomplishments of Steve Jobs or the legacy of the collaborative efforts of Martin Luther King, Jr. On the other hand, independent creative thinking has certainly changed the world – think Steve Wozniak (the engineer behind the Apple personal computer) and Albert Einstein.

Most people are not geniuses. Still, they have strengths in their introversion or extraversion that can be nurtured.  And their combined talents can be harnessed for great success.

That said, like any change in society, developing a culture of respect for both styles must start with individual people. How do you think of yourself? Are you more of an introvert or extravert? Can you see the value in this? And can you see the value of the other style? Finally, how can you help (or how have you helped) to support or enhance these benefits in yourself and others?

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic on the Relationships and Coping Community, click here.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

People frequently go to great lengths to learn more about themselves and how they can improve as people. They go to see motivational speakers, buy books, and read articles such as this blog. And while all of these things may be helpful, one of the best sources of greater personal insight is right there beside you – in your family and friends.

There are, of course, ways that you know yourself that others cannot know. You alone know your history from your perspective, your thoughts and feelings, and your private behaviors. This likely leaves you feeling that others cannot know you as well as you know yourself.

However, consider how you can sometimes see in others what they do not see in themselves. For instance, they may think they are a caring person, not realizing how they hurt others with thoughtless speech or actions. Or, they may not perceive problems inherent in their radical view of politics or religion – ones that are so clear to you. If you really think about how others cannot see these blind spots (which is why we call them blind spots), then it might leave you with the uncomfortable realization that you, too, have blind spots that others can see. It is in these areas that your loved ones may know you better than you know yourself.

Research has supported the idea that others see things in us that we don’t see. They can even see things in our personalities that we are not as aware of. That said, they also have their own biases in judging us. One common bias known in psychology is the fundamental attribution error. This is the tendency for others to think that we have acted in a particular way mostly because of our traits or personality, minimizing the effect of a given situation. For instance, upon seeing you yell at your brother, a friend might think that you have a short fuse. You, however, might think your brother is more at fault because he antagonized you. Whose perception is biased? Or, in what ways are you both biased? These are worthy questions to consider and may open you up to new insights.

So, listen to what others say about you – particularly those who you think know you well or are good judges of character. Pay attention to what they say directly or how they respond to you (an indirect way of sharing their perceptions). Be open to these reactions. You might receive this information spontaneously, or you might ask for direct, honest feedback. Another strategy is to imagine yourself in the shoes of others as you evaluate yourself. These are all good ways to learn more about you.

Then compare your experience of yourself to others’ reactions to you (or how you imagine they might react). Remember, you know things about yourself that they cannot know… but they have a different and potentially valid perspective as well. By bringing their perspective together with yours, you have the best opportunity to have a complete picture of you.

If you have ever been open to this process, you are aware of how difficult it can be. It can help you improve yourself and your relationships, but it can also be anxiety-provoking. Given that it is a process (not just something you immediately do or don’t do), it can be helpful to think about how it has, or is, working for you. What parts are most difficult? Has it helped you? Caused you pain? Are you better off for opening yourself up to such feedback and insights?

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic on the Relationships and Coping Community, click here.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Many people in the Relationships and Coping community have asked at various times whether they should tell (or show) their partner or potential partner some particular thing. Should I tell her I had an affair? Should I tell her I snooped? Should I tell him I’m bisexual? Should I tell her I have herpes?

The possible questions are infinite. The answers, likewise, are infinite, since every situation requires its own response. However, there are some basic ways of approaching relationships that can be very helpful.

Most fundamental to any close relationship is good communication. Sharing thoughts, feelings and experiences is the only way for partners to really get to know each other so that they can feel emotionally intimate, understood and truly supported. If you lie or are less than fully honest with your partner, how can you possibly be close?

While such honesty sounds good in theory, its importance becomes less clear in many particular situations—such as the ones suggested in the above questions. Two of the most common reasons that people are dishonest (overtly or covertly) is that they don’t want to lose their partners or hurt them; or both. If you are hiding something or actively lying about something, you might want to think about your motivation.

If you are being dishonest because you fear losing your partner, then you need to think about whether you really “have” your partner to begin with. Just because people spend time together does not mean that they understand or truly support each other. If your partner does not know something important that might change how they think or feel about you, then they are not really with YOU. They are with who they think you are. And this is not the same as being with you.  In this circumstance, ask yourself: Am I being respectful of him or her? Am I being fair to me (possibly depriving yourself the experience of being accepted for who you really are)?

If your dishonesty or avoidance is based in not wanting to hurt your partner, consider how they would feel if they found out that you are hiding this information. Ask yourself whether you are really being respectful of them – of their right to know this and decide for themselves how to proceed.  How would you feel if similar information were kept from you? The answers to these questions are not simple and there is no single response that fits all situations.

If you decide to disclose your secret to your partner, then think about the best way to do this, anticipate the possible responses, and consider the best ways to handle those responses. If you are leaning toward keeping your secret, make sure you take into account how this creates distance in your relationship (even if only in a small way) – is it a problem?

Although open communication is definitely essential in relationships, as they say, “The devil is in the details.” Think about your situation. And, if it would help, please feel free to share it in the Relationships and Coping Community so that others can help you find your best solution.

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic on the Relationships and Coping Community, click here or post your thoughts in the comments below.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

It’s interesting to me how invested people are in giving to others during the holidays, but how that energy seems to fade when faced with the New Year’s tradition of making a personal resolution. Those who make resolutions usually do so half-heartedly. More often than not, New Year’s resolutions fade away almost as quickly as our memory of what we ate for breakfast this morning. Even so, promising yourself that you will make some positive change in your life can place you on the path to self-improvement – if you approach it in an effective way and take the commitment seriously.

With this in mind, consider the following do’s and don’ts of making a New Year’s resolutions.

DO:

• Set a specific and realistic goal. I will lose 10 lbs by the end of February. People have a tendency to think that they can change more than is realistic to expect, leaving them unhappy with more modest results. For instance, in one study, people who set an unrealistic goal of losing 55 pounds in 48 weeks thought of themselves as failing when they lost 37 pounds (an amount that experts defined as realistic and significant). This type of thinking undermines hopes for, and motivation for, further change.

• Decide on a specific plan for self-improvement – the more detail, the better. Include objectives like: I will eat 3 balanced meals and two snacks each day. When people don’t clarify how they will achieve a goal, they tend to rely on pure willpower. This rarely works and often leaves people feeling more defeated and having less hope for future change (since in their minds, they have already tried and failed).

• Prepare yourself for set-backs. If I overeat at any point, it won’t undo my previous efforts. By getting right back to my healthy meal plan, I can still move toward my goal. By being overly confidant that they can meet their goals, people often set themselves up for failures. They think about any mistakes or periods of relapse as a failure, and they give up. By thinking of these times as bumps in the road, they can help themselves to succeed in the long run. Of course, it is extremely important to remember this when you relapse and to talk yourself through these difficult times.

DON’T:

• Make a resolution (on New Year’s eve or at any other time) that you don’t take seriously. People often half-heartedly say that they will make some self-improvement and then don’t put in the effort to make it happen. The result is that they don’t change, feel badly about themselves for failing, and then have less confidence in their ability to change in the future. Taking your goal seriously means doing all of those suggestions in the above section.

• Expect that any particular self-improvement will change your whole life. People set themselves up for feelings of failures when unrealistically placing too much importance on any one particular self-improvement. For instance, dieters are likely to be greatly disappointed if they expect that losing 50 pounds will directly translate into a job promotion or a happy, intimate relationship.

With all of the above do’s and don’ts in mind, you can turn the traditional New Year’s resolution into a meaningful exercise. It can help you to improve yourself in a significant way. After all you have done to give to others through the holidays, this is a wonderful way for you to acknowledge that you are important, too.

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic on the Relationships and Coping Community, click here.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Our culture promotes being part of a couple. It’s okay to be a single adult, but only as a prelude to being a partner. So, if you are single, the pressure is on. And it’s rarely more intense than it is during the holiday season.

However, if you are not part of a couple, you are in good company – I saw one website state that there are presently 54 million single adults in the U.S. (even if their statistic is wrong, they would have to be very wrong for you to be alone.) I know this won’t necessarily ease your loneliness, but it can at least help remind you that others are in the same boat and that you, specifically, are not the problem – if there even is one (yes, it’s okay to want to be single).

That said, you might benefit from considering the following:

Remember that the holidays are about celebrating peace and love. The season is best celebrated by giving of yourself – to those you love, as well as to charities or individuals in need. You can celebrate by being truly present while spending time with family or friends. You can also celebrate by volunteering time at a homeless shelter, animal shelter, nursing home, or someplace else that needs assistance. This will help you feel more connected and gain a healthy perspective on the meaning of the holidays.

Allow this to be a day of sadness and accept support from others.  If you are lonely or sad, accept this. Talk to yourself, as you would a good friend – being compassionate to your pain. Talk with those who care about you, giving them the opportunity to comfort you and to feel good about themselves for being a good friend.

Think about your expectations. Too often, people unrealistically imagine that everyone else is living a Norman Rockwell holiday season – families and friends smiling and laughing and singing happily together. The reality is a lot less idyllic. Many people are single, separated, divorced, unhappily married, or widowed. Those in happy marriages might have serious illnesses, relatives who require their extensive help, financial problems, or major conflicts in their families. These reflections won’t change your situation, but it can help you feel less isolated or different from the rest of humanity just because of your struggles.

Create your own enjoyment. You don’t have to wait for holiday happiness to envelop you and lift your spirits. Instead, you can make your own happiness:

Treat yourself well. Indulge in a bubble bath, a special meal, or a good book. Consider starting a project, like making a photo album, painting your living room, or researching a future vacation. Do the things that feel good. You can do this with a holiday flair, or without all the lights and tinsel – your choice.

Celebrate the love in your life. Spend time with family and friends. Hang out or do something extra special, like going to the theater with them or simply playing with your niece or nephew. Don’t just wait for others to invite you – reach out to them.

Have a party! Arrange a dinner party, potluck dinner, or other activity with those who are also alone on the holidays.

At the end of the day (a holiday or any other day of the year), you are more than your relationship status. And your overall happiness depends on what you do with your life, not necessarily whether or not you have a partner.

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic on the Relationships and Coping Community, click here.