The Art of Relationships

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

It’s amazing how people can accrue so much knowledge about the world and still not understand why they act as they do in relationships. While this can be baffling, it becomes much clearer when you recognize that people often don’t fully appreciate what it means to be human. They might so value logic that they dismiss their emotional and aesthetic sensibilities. Or, they are so drawn to these sensibilities that they fail to apply their ability to more objectively understand themselves. In both cases, there are aspects of their experiences that they dismiss – or even fail to notice.

To understand this better, consider examples of these two sources of confusion. I’ve provided marital therapy for many couples in which one spouse (more often the husband) tended to pride himself on being emotionally strong and logical. On a number of occasions, this husband found himself crying without even recognizing that he was emotional. Only after some discussion did he realize that he felt sad and hurt by his wife’s comments. And, only at that point could we begin to address the relationship problems related to this. Similarly, I’ve often helped spouses (more often the wife) who became so overtly overwhelmed with their emotions that they had trouble thinking clearly. So, they needed help understanding, differentiating, and articulating their emotions.

If you can relate to either of these patterns of confusion, you can help yourself gain clarity by listening to all the voices within. You can learn more about your motivations and your feelings. It can also help you to see the positive purpose – even if it is a misguided one – in your behaviors.

People who tend to value logic more need to pay attention to their thoughts that seem illogical – but are there nonetheless. Given that emotions are a part of all people, they must also learn to pay attention to their emotions, rather than dismissing them. For instance, they might realize that they dismiss their feelings by trying not to be weak – though this backfires and leaves them out of touch with their partner (because they dismiss their partner’s feelings as well as their own). By acknowledging and understanding these ‘irrational’ aspects of their experience, they can better understand themselves and their reactions to their partners.

People who tend to be more emotional are often helped by pulling back a little from their feelings. By approaching each emotion with intellectual curiosity, they can nurture their understanding of themselves. For instance, by thinking about her sadness, a wife might realize that it also involves loneliness and anger. She might also realize that she feels lonely because her husband emotionally abandons her every night when he retreats to his computer. With this understanding, she can begin to directly address the things that upset her.

So, if you find yourself feeling or acting in ways that you don’t make sense to you, pay attention. Listen to all of your thoughts and feelings. Pay special attention to those pesky little ones you tend to flick away like those annoying gnats. These may be the very ones that explain why you do what it is you do.

The Art of Relationship s blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

“Ever wonder what crime you committed that you are confined to a small enclosure above your sinuses, under permanent skull arrest?”

– Robert Brault

People often live so much in their heads that they lose sight of other perspectives and experiences in life. They ruminate about personal struggles, losing all perspective of their importance – or lack of importance – in the scheme of their lives and the world. They forget that knowing something is nothing like experiencing it – just ask someone who has read about snow but only just experienced the delicious sensation of a single snowflake melting on their tongue. And they come to believe that thinking about life is the same as living it.

I don’t have to ask if you can relate to any of this because, honestly, we all can, at least sometimes. So, it can be extremely helpful to regularly ground yourself in the reality of your mind-body self:

Observe when your thinking becomes tortuously circular. If you cannot stop thinking about a problem, repeatedly turning the same struggles and faulty solutions over in your mind – it’s time to STOP and redirect your mind and body. Refocus on the present. Engaging mindfully in some physical activity can help. Repeat this redirection as many times as necessary to get yourself on a new path.

Check in regularly with your body. Pay attention and appreciate your sense of taste when dining. Absorb the beauty of the world around you through your eyes and ears. Feel the warmth or cold of the air on your skin. Focus on all of your body’s sensations as a way to live more fully.

Make movement a regular part of every day. By exercising your body, you keep it and your mind more nimble (yes, your brain also benefits).

Exercise your imagination every day. By letting your mind create freely, you are escaping the confines of your rote and entrenched thinking. It allows you to be free to explore new thoughts and experiences, helping you to feel a greater sense of vitality.

Of course, no matter what you do, to some extent you will be under “skull arrest.” After all, that’s where your brain is located. But by unchaining your thoughts and staying in touch with your body, you can take regular holidays – enjoying a chance to savor in your body’s senses and to be awed by the limitless travels of your imagination.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

I can remember as a child when my mother would sometimes effusively express that I had ‘warmed the cockles’ of her heart. I never knew what cockles were, but I certainly knew that she felt positive, caring, and emotionally close when they were warmed. This is exactly the feeling you want to have toward your partner; and for her or him to have toward you.

A quick internet search revealed that the origin of this phrase is murky, but likely related to small, somewhat heart-shaped mollusks – referred to as cockles – that open up when warmed, revealing their tender insides. These mollusks can then be readily eaten. This is an incredibly apt metaphor. People often remain emotionally closed because they fear that if they allow themselves to be vulnerable, they will be devoured– chewed up – by others, essentially destroying them. Or, they stay closed because they fear being rejected – spit out – if they let themselves be known. Whatever the reason, being emotionally closed will leave you emotionally alone. Alternatively, if you want an emotionally connected relationship, you must open yourself up to it.

So, if you are feeling guarded, it’s essential to address this feeling. Of course, sometimes it’s good to be cautious, such as when you just meet someone or are seeing red flags that something about the person or situation is a problem. For instance, you might want to heed your sense of wanting to distance yourself if you realize that the man you’re dating is inconsistent in contacting you and seems cagey about getting together. Even if you enjoy the time you spend with him, this might not be enough to make up for his lack of commitment to being emotionally available to you. In fact, you might be setting yourself up for reinforcing that old sense of yourself as being flawed or unworthy of love.

That said, people too often pull in and protect themselves from genuine, caring love. The vulnerability of it scares them. While this is understandable, you can still choose love. It’s often easiest and best to begin slowly. Share information and experiences that are not central to who you are – and, thus, do not make you as vulnerable. See how the other person responds. If all goes well, share a bit more. Also, truly listen to what that person is sharing and try to be empathic. When there is a connection and you both feel safe, opening up more as you go along will come more easily.

By allowing yourself to open up to love, you are allowing yourself to show your soft insides to another. It’s true; you could get deeply, painfully hurt. But, if you choose wisely, you can also rest securely in the warm, close, protective presence of another – enjoying a sense of well-being that can, well, warm the cockles of your heart.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

As children, people learn ‘rules’ that dictate how happy they are with others and themselves. I’m not talking about a set of laws, such as that it is illegal to steal; or moral imperatives, such as ‘honor thy mother and father.’  Rather, the rules I’m referring to are usually implicitly communicated about the nature of people. They relate to how people perceive themselves and others.

Rule #1: People who are happy live by the ‘rule’ that they are worthy of love and respect. It is based on a view of them as having value just for being them. According to it, their thoughts and feelings matter under all circumstances. Even if they overreact and make no sense to anyone (including themselves) in a particular situation, or they are totally wrong in their beliefs, they are no less worthy as a person. So, they deserve to be treated with respect.

Rule #2: A corollary to this rule is that they are competent, capable human beings. This means that they have respect for themselves even during difficult times. It’s not that they are good at every skill or always know what to do, but they have faith in themselves. They value who they are and the things they can do, accept their limits, and can ask for help without feeling lesser as people.

Rule #3: Happy people also live by a ‘rule’ that people who care about each other are generally there to support and encourage each other. Living by this rule means that they expect close friends and loved ones to respond to them in this manner. In addition, they value their loved ones in their lives and treat them in these positive ways, too. When two people have learned to live by this rule, they do so even when they disagree with each other. They find a way to hammer out differences without hammering each other.

Many people (maybe even you) do not learn these rules. Instead, they may have learned that they have no value. Or, perhaps, they only have value when they are serving the needs of others. In either case, they often feel flawed and unworthy, leading them to sense that they must earn the love of others.

In addition, they may have learned not to expect supposedly caring others to be there for them during times of need. Instead, they learned to be almost solely self-reliant. They have high expectations for themselves to be in control and on top of whatever challenges or difficulties come their way. While they might achieve wonderful things, they are at risk for always falling short in their own eyes. This can be a lonely and ungratifying life.

Because these rules are learned implicitly, they are difficult to see – and they might be making you very unhappy without you even fully realizing they are there. So, if you resonate with the unhealthy rules I am describing, think about them. Consider how these rules affect the ways you think about yourself and others.

By getting to know the rules you live by and how they create unhappiness in your life, you are free to challenge them. You can look for how others see value in you – and not just when you are meeting their needs. You can look for how others are there for you – and not just the ways they have let you down. Finally, by focusing on the implicit rules you live by, you are free to create a new, happier relationship with yourself and those you care about.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Essential to happiness is feeling safe and secure. I usually write about this in the context of feeling emotionally safe with family, friends, and romantic partners. But, given that Memorial Day is next week, I would instead like to honor the men and women who have given their lives to help us all feel – and be – safe.

Despite the many violent incidents that we, as a nation, have endured, we are still relatively safe. Most people do not sense that their lives are endangered (on most days) by driving to and from work, or by leaving their children at school. And, if they don’t yet feel safe running in a marathon, this, too, will surely return. This is no small accomplishment – as people from many areas of the world can attest.

On Memorial Day, those who have lost their lives while serving this country offer us another gift, an opportunity to be grateful. Our hearts, as well as research, tells us that being grateful is important and life affirming. On this day, you are prompted to remember and be grateful for those who have died while serving in the military. Hopefully, it can also prompt you to make gratitude a part of your daily thinking, helping you to generally think and feel more positively. With an ‘attitude of gratitude,’ you call attention to how others help you or the community, and how you, too, can help others.

So, what can you do to remember and recognize those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while serving in the military? Consider these options:

Think and talk about their service. Share thoughts and feelings about it with friends and family. Talk with your children about the great service these men and women have performed for the country.

Raise a flag. Let this action speak for you in recognizing the efforts and sacrifices of the men and women of the military.

Attend a ceremony or parade. Your attendance says “thank you” in a way that can be seen.

Visit a cemetery or memorial that honors whose who have died serving the country.

Volunteer to place flags on the graves of those who served in the military.

Or, maybe you have your own ways of honoring these brave men and women. The important point is that, whatever you do, taking the time and making the effort to recognize them benefits us all.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

It seems appropriate that since Mental Health Month Blog Party Day (courtesy of the American Psychological Association) falls in this week, I address the benefits of having healthy relationships. If I had to pick one area of focus to help people feel happier, that would be it.

Developing close connections is sometimes as easy as stepping out to enjoy a perfect spring day – you get to talk and laugh and generally enjoy each other’s company. But, at other times, it’s more like pulling on your boots and preparing yourself for a torrential downpour – you must sit with your friend through painful times or face conflicts between you.

While only you can know whether any particular relationship is worth the effort for you, there are many benefits that make forging close relationships worth it. Below are 8 reasons to find, nurture, and endure the ups and downs of relationships:

1. Social support in life. It’s helpful to have people in your life who can offer their expertise to help you out. This might mean being a good listener, a wise life advisor, being handy with fix-it stuff around the house or being an expert negotiator (which can be extremely handy when you need to buy a new car). All of these types of support improve your quality of life. (Cohen, 2004)
2. Help in becoming the person you want to be. Drigotas, Bubult, Wieselquist, and Whitton (1999) found that a loving partner who sees you more like the person you want to be will support you in a way that helps you become that person. Because your partner’s response to you can help shape the person you become, they named this the Michelangelo phenomenon. We know that parents have a similar effect on their young children. And, it seems reasonable that other emotionally intimate relationships can also have the same kind of effect.
3. A ready opportunity to be caring toward others. You don’t need a scientific study to tell you that being altruistic can make you feel happy and view yourself in a positive light – though such studies certainly do exist to support this claim. Studies also show that altruism creates a sense of calm and reduces stress.
   Fun and fulfillment. Doing things you enjoy is a wonderful way to spend your time – and having friends to share these experiences with can make them all the more fun and meaningful.
4. A sense of being part of something bigger than yourself. People have an inborn need to feel a sense of belonging. And, when people meet this need, they gain a sense of well-being. As part of a network of friends or a more formalized group, you can meet this need.
5. Reduced Stress. Social relationships relieve stress through the many ways in which they are a support and help people to feel good. Although feeling less stressed is positive in itself, reducing stress is also important because stress can cause problems with coronary arteries, insulin regulation, and the immune system.
6. Better health. Not only do people’s relationships have a directly positive effect upon people’s health (such as with stress reduction), they also influence people’s health behaviors. For instance, spouses and other loved ones often actively encourage exercising, eating a healthy diet, and following up with medical issues. So, not surprisingly, people with emotional support tend to recover better and be less susceptible to illness or disease than those who are more alone.
7. Longer life. People who have strong social ties are much more likely to live longer than those who are more isolated. Holt-Lunstad, the lead author of a study (2010) that reviewed and analyzed research in this area, noted, “A lack of social relationships was equivalent to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.”

So, with Mental Health Month Blog Party Day in mind, my advice is to take advantage of all these benefits by strengthening your relationships.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

While ‘making change’ from the dollar bill someone has given you takes only a few moments, personal change takes more time – and it’s filled with mistakes and ‘re-dos.’ It requires patience. This is true in whatever you’ve committed yourself to; whether it be losing weight or being kinder to those you love. And, along with patience, change requires that you can forgive yourself. You must find a way to accept that you are merely human, along with the rest of the people on this planet. By doing this, you can use your mistakes as learning experiences along the way, rather than as sledge hammers to beat yourself with.

Personal change is often made possible through self-awareness. By gaining understanding of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, you can understand why you do what you do. You understand that you eat chocolate or smoke cigarettes as a way to calm yourself because your emotions feel intolerable. You understand that you pick fights with your partner because you learned early in childhood that you will be criticized, and so you also learned to listen for demeaning messages (and sometimes hear them even when they’re not there).

Unfortunately, gaining such insights is not like winning multi-millions in the lottery, changing everything all at once. Rather, they much more frequently seep slowly into your being as you become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors in your daily life. Change often goes from a general knowing; to an awareness after the fact; to seeing yourself in the moment do the things you do not want to do; and finally to acting differently. Eventually, you can even make changes so that you no longer even end up in the same problematic situations. This is portrayed well in the following poem, which you might know – but is still well worth another read.

“Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”

by Portia Nelson, published in her book There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in… it’s a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

If you have committed yourself to some personal change and are struggling to make it happen, take heart. You are not alone. Also, remember that failed attempts do not mean failure. They are simply part of the process. Keep trying. Think about your situation. Get to know your thoughts, feelings, and motivations. Practice seeing your struggles in daily life, and look for healthier ways of coping. In the meantime, also give yourself the space to be human – to make mistakes and learn from them. With patience, forgiveness, and persistence, you can create the change you want.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

People often wish they were different in their relationships in some important way. For instance, you might wish that you could be less quick to anger, remember important dates such as birthdays, or communicate more effectively. In whatever way you want to be different, you can learn to do it if you get in the right mindset. You must change from “I want to be different” to “I will learn to be different.”

If you doubt that you really can change, it might help you to know that scientists have, in recent years, found that we can truly change the way we think and act because of something called neuroplasticity. While they used to believe that human brains stop changing as people mature into adulthood, they now know differently. Studies have shown that people’s experiences restructure their brains so that they can learn new things. For instance, Maguire and colleagues (2000, 2006) found that London taxi cab drivers’ brains changed as they learned to navigate the city.

Similarly, you can change in how you interact with others, developing improved interpersonal skills. It’s not enough to wish for these changes, though. You must take active steps to make them happen. Here’s a basic guide for what to do:

Begin by deciding that you want to change. Again, this means that you choose to behave (or learn to behave) in a more positive and constructive way in your relationships  – not just wish for your relationships to be better. If you are stuck in thinking that you are who you are, then this is a step that you will really need to challenge yourself with.

Imagine how much better your relationships will be for your efforts. You might find inspiration by thinking about someone who has more supportive and caring relationships. It could be someone you know personally or in any other way (e.g. through the news, character in a movie or book). Choose to be like him or her in this way.

Find out the skills that you will need to master. Consider what skills you need to develop. For instance, you might need to learn to really listen to another without being defensive; articulate your thoughts and feelings; or more frequently express your caring in ways that are meaningful to others.

Commit yourself to practicing your new skills. Remember that new skills take practice, which means that you can expect to make mistakes. The more you can accept your mistakes as part of the process, rather than criticize yourself for them, the more likely you will continue to persist in your efforts and stay focused on practicing the skills (rather getting caught up in self-criticism).

For instance, you might commit yourself to being more patient, but find that you still struggle sometimes with being easily frustrated. If you can accept that achieving your goal is the result of continued effort, you will hopefully be able to respond to such missteps along the way by being compassionate to your struggles. Comfort yourself after a mistake, encourage yourself to continue on, and seek forgiveness from others, as needed.

By choosing to change and repeatedly practicing a skill, you are essentially laying down new pathways in your brain. And by no longer engaging in old behaviors, you are letting those pathways fade. This process of neuroplasticity is a lot like what frequently happens in woods frequented by people:  Hikers create new paths by walking across the same area; meanwhile old paths that are no longer used begin to fill in with grass and other new growth. So, if you are unhappy on your well-traveled path with friends and loved ones, take the brave steps of forging a new and better path.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

What do you do when a loved one comes to you upset about some problem? It’s natural to feel for their pain and to want to ease it. Most people feel compelled to try to make the situation better in some way. They either offer suggestions about how to fix the problem or dole out advice to not waste time worrying. Unfortunately, both ways of trying to help frequently backfire. Sometimes – often times – the best action is to begin by just offering caring.

To understand what’s wrong with giving advice, it’s helpful to think about what it’s like for you to get it. The problem isn’t so much the advice as it is the timing of it. When you are really upset about some issue and sharing your distress with someone, you’re probably first looking for that person to really understand your dilemma. You want him or her to empathize with your pain so that you feel understood and less alone in it. Then, maybe, you would want to hear the other person’s advice on how to fix the problem.

Similarly, imagine being told that a problem (or person you are upset with) isn’t something worth wasting your time on. When you are feeling really hurt or angry or upset in some way, the message that the problem isn’t a worthy one can also send the message that there’s something wrong with you for being upset.

Instead, when faced with loved ones who are upset, try offering your attention and concern. When you listen carefully to their distress and are willing to experience it with them – not rushing them through it – you are letting them know that you care enough to be with them even in their pain. You are not fixing their problem, but you are serving the more important  function of validating the reality and importance of their experiences, and providing a sense of connection; of not being alone in it. These experiences can be very comforting. Then, if you are able to help with some practical advice, that’s a bonus.

I suggest this approach as if it is easy, but it’s most definitely not. When you consciously sit with someone, allowing their pain to really touch you, you’ll find that it can be incredibly difficult. It’s instinctive to turn away from pain. But your choice to stay with the distress of someone you care about is an opportunity. It’s as intimate a connection as two people can have. Give it a try. You just might find that your greatest ability in helping others has nothing to do with what you can do for them and everything to do with just being with them.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Warm weather is Mother Nature’s invitation to get outside and get moving. This is the time of year that you see people coming out of their ‘caves’ to enjoy the fresh air. You see them doing just about everything, such as walking, jogging, playing tennis, and gardening. Not only is it healthy for your body to get moving, but it also happens to be healthy for your love life.

Here’s how it works in improving romantic relationships: People are lulled outside to enjoy the warm weather. As they are busy doing things they enjoy, they are, by default, exercising. That is, they are putting their bodies into an aroused state. And research has shown that people often interpret physical arousal as physical attraction – even if that is not the original reason for the arousal. It’s no accident that so many romantic movies include the lead couple involved in some kind of chase or emotional activity (and panting heavily) when they find themselves falling deeply in lust.

So, whether you are going out with a prospective partner, or spending time with your longtime spouse, getting your heart pumping a bit harder can increase your attraction for each other. It doesn’t hurt, either, that you would both be in a good mood from enjoying a beautiful day.

While spending time together being active outside might occur naturally, you can also consciously plan it as part of connecting. If you’ve been with your partner for a long time and the spark seems gone, even just a moderately strenuous hike in a beautiful place might help reignite it. Or, if you have recently met someone who interests you, try planning a fun day of sightseeing – just keep the pace moving faster than a stroll.  If you both enjoy take-your-breath-away scary rides at amusement parks, that would certainly also do the trick!

In addition, you might help your relationship along by doing things to add to the romance.  Pick a beautiful setting. Choose an activity that you both enjoy. And, arrange for some alone time. For instance, you might hike to a secluded spot where you and your partner can enjoy a picnic, complete with your favorite foods.

Of course, exercising and romantic gestures won’t turn a lukewarm connection into burning passion by themselves; but they can certainly stoke hot embers that might be hidden just below the surface. There is also the added benefit of feeling good by getting your body moving as you breathe in fresh air and absorb the warmth of the sun.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.