The Art of Relationships

“HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR MIND QUIT THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING?” is a compelling question that someone recently asked on the Relationships and Coping community. In his situation, he wanted to stop having memories from an old relationship. But many people have the same question even though the specifics of the thoughts and feelings they want to stop are different.

The best answer is, paradoxically, to think and feel the experience more. What ‘we’ know from years of people being in therapy and years of psychological research and from plain personal experience is that the more you try not to think about something, the more you will think about it. The classic example of this is for you to try to not think about pink elephants. Whatever you do, don’t think about pink elephants. Of course, after reading this, you are much more likely to think about them.

We often do the same thing with experiences in our lives. Unchecked, emotions flow through us; at times, they will feel extremely intense, but then that intensity will subside. Things or experiences that make you happy do not keep you in a state of constant happiness for the rest of your life. Likewise, upsetting experiences do not keep you in a constant state of misery, either. This is the basis of the adage, “Time heals all wounds.” Despite this wisdom, though, it does not account for people’s frequent tendency to get in their own way by trying to not think about painful experiences.

Attempts to avoid thoughts or feelings return us to them over and over again—much like how Bill Murray kept reliving the same experience in the movie Ground Hog Day (remember that one?). For instance, people torture themselves with unrequited love or memories of betrayal. They stoke their thoughts and feelings each time they try not to have them.

The way out of this dilemma is to accept that the experiences are there; and to even ‘make friends’ with them. When they come pounding on the door, you would do well to let them in. Sit with the anger or sadness or whatever. Try to understand the pain and be sympathetic to it. Then, after some time, the distress will settle down a bit. It most likely won’t go away, but it won’t be so compelling, either. You may doubt that this will ever happen, prompting you to try to push them out—but if you do, they will certainly come pounding at the door again. If, instead, you give them attention, the time will come when you can gently let them know that you need to move on to other things. And this is important, too – you don’t want them monopolizing your life. They may return, but if you can learn to accept them as real but temporary guests, then their presence won’t be so distressing or scary.

That said, some experiences might overwhelm or incapacitate you. In these cases, you would do well to think about seeing a therapist. There are some things people are wise to do with the proper support and guidance—so they don’t have to do it alone and so that they don’t risk getting stuck in the dark forest of their painful or scary emotions.

Most of the time, however, your emotions will come and go. Time will help your wounds heal. But you need to do your part, too – treat yourself with the patience, kindness, and attention that you deserve.

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic on the Relationships and Coping Community, click here.