Be Careful of How You Judge Others and Yourself

I recently read a thought-provoking letter published in the August issue of the magazine The Sun. It gave me a renewed depth of feeling for the old adage, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

The author (anonymous) shared her very personal experience as a teacher — and in the end, a learner. Among the students in her math class was a boy who never brought his assignments or book to class, had a “dagger stare” and muttered angry words under his breath. She “labeled him an ‘S&F’ (sit and fail) student… So I ignored him.”

At the time, she had a colleague who suddenly died from leukemia. She honored him by wearing a bracelet with his name on it and placing a sticker imprinted with his name and “Remember Always” on her classroom window. When the ‘S&F’ student noticed the sticker and asked if she could get one for him, she saw that he was wearing a bracelet — a twin to hers. She realized then that he must have played on a team that her colleague had coached. As she talked with him, she learned that he also had two friends who recently died. After this conversation, he listened well in class and “aced” the tests. She ended her letter with the realization, “And I thought he was the one not paying attention.”

Psychologists describe a phenomenon called fundamental attribution error, which explains her inclination to initially judge this boy negatively based on his behaviors. Stated simply, when observing the behavior of others, most people tend to rely too much on personality-based explanations and rely too little on situational explanations.

This very human failing can cause people to make snap judgments that are inaccurate, or at least don’t capture the whole picture. For instance, you might think a friend is foolish or a “wimp” for staying at her job where she is not appreciated. Meanwhile, you might not be considering how much she needs the money. Her financial struggle doesn’t absolve her of responsibility for her actions (or lack of actions), but your awareness of it can help you be more compassionate to her plight.

This dynamic is complicated by the fact that people are much more inclined to blame their own problems on the situation than on themselves. (I think it’s important to note, though, that there are also many people who have the very opposite problem, blaming themselves more often than not.) In the above example, your friend would likely be very aware that she couldn’t afford to quit. But, she would be less likely to focus as much on her failure to try to look for other jobs or to save up so that she can move on. Being aware of this bias might help her to take more responsibility for her life situation.

Being aware of the different ways that the fundamental attribution error can affect you and others can be very helpful. When you are judging others as being stupid, foolish, angry, bitter, you name it; ask yourself: Have I really tried to understand this through their eyes? And, when explaining to yourself why you are having a particular problem, ask: Am I taking responsibility for my actions? By asking yourself these questions, you can help yourself be more compassionate to others and take more responsibility for your life.

If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic, visit the Relationships and Coping Community.