The Art of Relationships

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Remember the children’s game? He loves me, he loves me not. Loves me, loves me not. And so it goes as you pull one flower petal at a time, ultimately answering that burning question. This may be child’s play, but people continue to play essentially the same game throughout adulthood. He called: loves me. She didn’t return my call: loves me not.

For many, Valentine’s Day is used as a kind of litmus test for whether or not they are truly loved: Expensive gifts, romantic gestures, and love letters mean that they are. Even if they are unsure about the depth of their partner’s love, these offerings at least provide them with something to point to. If they receive none of these things, they feel less special. Either way, their partner’s actions are seen as clear communications about feelings.

While this line of thinking seems to make sense on the surface, there is an intrinsic problem with people using superficial expressions of love as the measure of their partner’s true feelings. Think about the logic of assessing love by the amount of money spent on you. Or focusing on romantic gestures as proof of love. Measuring love by such expressions often yields faulty results. There are people who spend lots of money because of a need to impress. Others are wonderfully romantic because they have a kind of Don Juan complex and seek conquests by making others fall for them. Still others are highly skilled in their persuasive verbal ability to melt your heart, though this may be more about meeting their own needs than satisfying yours. All of these ways of expressing “love” are devoid of the real feeling; they cannot be maintained for the long haul and do not allow for a genuine closeness.

While “real” love might be expressed lavishly or eloquently, it is equally likely to be shown in a plain or awkward manner. However, even when love is not well polished, this diamond-in-the-rough can be more precious than the most magnificent cubic zirconia in the world.

Another important issue to be aware of is that Valentine’s Day is as big as it is because of marketing. Chocolates, flowers, and jewelry seem to be essential because the people profiting from them are willing to invest a lot in advertising to make sure you see it this way. However, just because these messages are ubiquitous, this does not mean that they reflect reality. Valentine’s Day and its trappings are only as important you make them.

Instead of focusing on the outer trappings of love, think more about the actual experience of it. Love is a connection between two people that they work to maintain as they share their lives. This is not the domain of one particular day or of one particular method of expression. Love is something to be felt, mutually shared in whatever way works for you, and celebrated every day of your life — including Valentine’s Day, if you so choose!

All of that said, if you recognize Valentine’s Day, how do you choose to celebrate it? What have you done to show your partner that you truly love him or her? And, in what ways has he or she shown you that they truly love you? Share your thoughts in the comments below or join the discussion in the Relationships and Coping community.