Cancer Realities

By Jennifer Goodman Linn

I was thrilled to see the positive response to last week’s blog post. Clearly the well-intentioned social blunders that care givers make, and the frustration that cancer patients have in reaction to these blunders, is a hot topic.

Over the years I have interviewed hundreds of patients to get their perspective on “what drives you crazy” and “what truly helps”.  I was pleasantly surprised to find common, consistent themes across many of the patients.  Many of them had to do with putting a burden on the patient or making extra work for them when their life is already so hectic and overwhelming.

A perfect segue for this week’s social blunder, “If there’s ANYTHING I can do for You, Just Ask.”

This is the “go to” line that care-givers use and it is also the SINGLE most annoying thing that cancer patients tell me that they hear.  Why is it annoying and often ineffective?  Because unless the person who says this is an extremely close friend or family member, the cancer patient is likely not going to be comfortable following up with you on the request.  It puts a burden on the patient to come up with something that they need and then pick up the phone or email you and ask for your help (and it’s amazing how many patients shared with me that when they actually took people up on their offer, how many people said, “Well, I know I said I would do anything, but I can’t do that!”).  Although the words might be sincere, they can come off as an empty platitude and a bit of a cliché. Probably the last thing you intended.

Or maybe you did mean them as empty words because you didn’t know what else to say. If that’s the case, you need to examine your intentions and perhaps just send some flowers!

What to Do Instead

Suggest something specific.  So many patients I spoke to loved when someone took control and called them or emailed them and said, “I am really good at doing laundry or carpooling children, is there one that works better for you?”

Another approach is to stop waiting for the patient to respond to you and just do something. So many care-givers wait on the sidelines for a sign from the cancer patient of what would be helpful.  This is passive behavior that again, makes the cancer patient have to take control at a time when they often don’t have the energy or the time (“I’m the one who’s sick, why should I have to reach out to you?!?”)

It is ALWAYS nice to have a meal waiting on your front porch or a few books delivered from the library even if they might not have been exactly what the patient might have chosen for themselves.  Realize that the patient is just grateful that you care. And you are taking the burden off of them to get back to you and for this they will really be thankful.

And lastly, only use the broad words, “if there’s anything I can do for you”, if you truly mean it. You then need to be prepared to say “yes” to anything that the patient might request. And you need to communicate to the patient in a very intimate way so that they know that you truly mean those words and that they can call you any time day or night without feeling uncomfortable.

A HUGE “Thank you” to Norm Bendell who continues to bring these wonderful lessons to life with his beautiful illustrations.

If you are a cancer patient or a caregiver, please feel free to share your stories with me! And please let me know if this is helpful.