Cancer Realities

By Dave Balch

During a recent program in Utah, I was talking about (as I do in every time I speak) how difficult it was for me when people beg me to allow them to help somehow. (The following is transcribed from the recording of the event.)

I said, “These well-intentioned people were making it MY responsibility to find something for THEM to do so THEY would feel better. I had so much to do; I really didn’t need or want any additional responsibilities.”

At this point, a woman raised her hand and said, “They really DO want to help and they really need to be able to help and our basic philosophy of Christian life is to help, so it would be nice if you would make a list of the things that you want done around the house, pulling weeds, or something because [slapping the table on each word for emphasis] THEY NEED TO HELP.”

“I think it’s wonderful that they want to help,” I told her, “but when they beg and plead it puts a lot of pressure on me.”

She said, “So, that’s your job! Everybody does what they can do for their own selves but for the rest of us, well, give us something to do.”

And herein lies the problem. This woman’s intentions are wonderful and loving so it’s hard to find fault with them, but the discussion became about what SHE (and her friends) needed rather than what I needed. Maybe that sounds selfish. Maybe it IS selfish, but why would she want to help if it was stressful for me? That isn’t helpful.

She says it is my job to give people things to do. I disagree. It is NOT my job to fulfill the needs of well-meaning people. As I see it, my job is to minimize the stress we are under. If accepting help causes stress, then I’m going to “do my job” and say “no thank you.”

When people are going through a serious life challenge, they and they alone should be the ones who decide what they need and what they don’t need. If people really want to be helpful, they will respect our decisions even if they think they know better or would handle it differently if it were them. In our case, I was too overwhelmed and under too much stress to deal with well-intentioned people who wanted to help. For me, it was easier to either do things myself or let them go than to have someone else do them.

For example, suppose someone offered to mow my lawn and I accepted. While they’re out there working maybe I’m inside helping my wife, feeling guilty that they are out there all alone. For one thing, I am concerned that they do the work the way I want it done. Also, I feel pressure to go out there to talk to them or bring them something to drink, but I don’t want to spend my limited energy that way.

I shouldn’t feel that way, you say? Maybe, but I do, and that is for me to determine.

I’m not saying that everyone should feel like I do. Some people love to have lots of people around all the time and for them I say, “Go for it!” Accept all the help and have everyone over to do things for you. What I’m saying is that each person/couple must make their own preferences known and their friends and family should respect those preferences.

As we are growing up we are told that life is not always about us, and we cannot always be the center of attention, and so on. I agree with that, except during a life crisis like serious illness. Now it IS about me (us), and I need to get out of my “people-pleasing” mode and protect myself from well-meaning people that make things harder as they try to make things easier.

The bottom line: don’t accept help that you don’t want. Period. Politely decline the offer, and thank them for their thoughtfulness. Stand your ground, because whether or not to accept help is your decision and yours alone.