Are You Dealing with a Diva Daughter?
Photo Credit: Andrew Bardwell
Having raised three teenagers, my wife and I always enjoy discovering others' exploits (read CHALLENGES) regarding adolescents and the choices they make. The WebMD Parenting Community for Pre-Teens and Teenagers is a wonderful place to share and learn.
This recent post caught my attention as a parent and as an ophthalmologist (excerpted for brevity):
I have I think the typical 14 year-old daughter that got her eyes checked and needs glasses. She has trouble seeing the board at school. Of course she refused glasses and wanted contacts. We went to go find a nice frame, and of course she goes for only one pair, the one that cost $325!!! I flipped and said, find something similar and cheaper because insurance does not pay for lenses or glasses - just the eye exam. She refused and said nothing looked good on her! So, we left with out making any commitment. We've taken her to Costco, and Lenscrafters and she isn't satisfied with anything and won't take suggestions about anything from anyone. She just wants the first pair. By the way, they are Gucci, and say so on the side.
She has no extra cash, and babysits once and a while. She has offered to pay for part of them, but she doesn't have any money. She said she would sacrifice her allowance, which is $15 a month. My daughter has a very spoiled attitude, and won't take no for an answer. She wants the most fancy cell phone, and my stories can go on and on. It's not that i don't think she could pay for 1/2 of these frames, it's just that she always wants the most expensive thing and is very stubborn. If she gets these Gucci glasses, I just think it's like feeding her expensive taste and spoiled attitude at 14.
Am I making any sense or am I being unreasonable? When we go out clothes shopping, she has to get her Abercrombie stuff, and I'll pay 1/2 and she'll pay 1/2 because Wal-Mart and Target aren't good enough for her. This is her attitude and it really makes me sick. I was never like that when I was young, I was happy to get whatever was offered, but I don't know where she gets this attitude (peers I guess). Should I just give in? She would rather be broke long term and help pay for something, then just compromise and be reasonably letting me just buy it all.
Certainly there are multiple overlapping issues in this mother's desperate appeal: maturity, personal responsibility, adult decision-making, teen independence, and on it goes. I'll tell you what I think and you are welcome to add your comments afterwards.
Mom, trust your instincts. You are still one of your daughter's most important teachers. Even at 14 (still a minor) your teenage daughter still has plenty of time to learn (or relearn) life's lessons.
First rule: Money doesn't grow on trees. In light of your comments, it sounds like the foliage around your house is not particularly lush. It would be irresponsible to spend a week's salary for eyeglasses when there are greater family needs. Having said that, it would be troublesome to erect barriers between you and your daughter over this issue.
Second rule: We're all in this together. Any teen who really - and I mean really - wanted $325 spectacles* ought to be able to pay half. I make the same proposition regarding school-age children who want to start wearing contact lenses. One of the most predictable indicators of personal responsibility is financial commitment. A child who has invested their own money towards the purchase of contact lenses will take very good care of them - not so if merely given them.
Now, let's combine both rules...
Third rule: Where there's a will there's a way! An web-savvy adolescent ought to be able to scour the Internet and find the identical $325 Gucci frames at a steep discount. Once you find them, print the product information and ask your local eyewear retailer to honor the same price. I promise, you won't be paying $325 and your daughter will learn several powerful lessons... lessons that will last a lifetime.
Use this experience to grow closer together as parent and teen. Both of you can learn more about each other and if you play it right you will both save a substantial amount of money!
* This same advice also applies to the acquisition of Nintendo DS game systems, custom skateboards, and iPods.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: teens, parenting, glasses, contact lenses, vision
3 Comments:
I DON'T TRULY DON'T BELIEVE THAT A CHILD SHOULD GET VERY EXPENSIVE THINGS. I TEACH THE VALUE TO MY TWO DAUGHTERS ABOUT WHAT WE CAN BUY AND WHEN. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO TEACH YOUR CHILD THE VALUE OF MONEY. ESPECIALLY NOW THAT MANY OF US ARE LIVING FROM PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK.
This is a scary trend in parenting today; why did parents decide to stop being the authority?? I hope that this Mom stands firm--it sounds like she already knows that caving in to her daughter would only cause more, and nastier, problems down the road. As a teacher, I see the fallout when parents let their children run the show: that child grows up to be a materialistic, disrespectful, arrogant, irresponsible adult. Being a teacher has made me a better parent, because every day I have to deal with what happens when a child is allowed to grow up selfish. We make it clear to our children that they recognize and respect authority and be responsible for their actions. If they make some kind of mess, they will be the ones cleaning it up--Mom and Dad aren't going to swoop in and save them. Even though this makes for tougher times as a parent, I'm hoping the hard work will be worth it when they're grown. I don't want to raise children who the rest of the world considers to be jerks.
I've been through this with the teenage stepdaughters. You must NEVER use money as an excuse NEVER! Just say no outright or better yet remind her that she lost her cell phone twice and because she isn't responsible enough then no Gucci glasses. Tell her that not even YOU will buy Gucci glasses lest you lose them or have them stolen. Go online and see if you can find them cheaper, offer them ONLY IF SHE BRINGS something else to the table (such as a huge hug or cleaning out the cat box for a month.) We've cured our divas for the most part by never claiming poverty. They see me drinking wine and buying mulch, so just say no!
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