Herpes Stigma
So there's good news and bad news about the social stigma associated with herpes. In a recent phone survey of about 2,000 people in the US, 3/4 without herpes and 1/4 with herpes, a slight majority of both groups felt that the topic of genital herpes was not taboo. But when ranking the social stigma associated with any STD, herpes ranked only behind HIV - but hey, let's face it, there is stigma associated with any STD - it does involve genitals, after all, and we, as a society just aren't comfortable about our genitals.
Another piece of good news was that for people who had herpes, the biggest issue was bothersome symptoms of herpes outbreaks. That was listed way ahead of being bothered by stigma. Outbreaks can be treated or mostly prevented with medicine but there's no prescription for feeling stigmatized by your herpes.
The bad news is that a majority of people who didn't have herpes said they would avoid having a relationship with someone with herpes or break up with a partner who had herpes. Now that is truly stunning to me. This is 2007, folks! Of all of the things that can go wrong in a relationship, herpes is so far down the list, its almost not detectable. I'll bet if you surveyed discordant married couples - that is, couples where one person has herpes and the other doesn't, they would tell you that sex, money, in-laws, household chores and inability to talk to each other cause way more problems than herpes ever could.
It makes my heart very sad to think of the wonderful, quality people that I know, and know really well, who have been turned down for relationships because they have herpes. I used to think that people who did that were scumbags, that they didn't have a good sense of ethics or of what's important in life or that they would be unreliable in future hard situations. But I think a bit differently about that now. Now, I think that often they are just unreasonably afraid, that they know too little about the real experience of herpes, that they are just afraid of the reputation, not the actual disease and that they will never be able to know the "real" herpes.
I also think that people who count a lot on their sexuality for their identity are less likely to take any risk of getting herpes. It's like if you are a pianist, you take extra care with your hands or if your job is to model toenail polish, you take extra care with your feet. If much of your identity is tied up in your ability to be sexual, then you will be less willing to take risks with that part of you. And lest you are thinking, "yea, see, they are scumbags, they are oversexed weirdos", I would say that isn't necessarily true. They just may feel good about the way they look or the things they can do sexually and may not have built up their confidence about themselves in other areas at the same rate as the sexual confidence. We all feel strong in some areas, but not in others, right?
Another group of people who just can't seem to deal with herpes in a partner is people with obsessive compulsive disorder, and this is more common than you night think. And it comes in mild, moderate and severe cases. The severe case is the person who comes into my office and won't touch the doorknobs - they wait for someone else to walk into our suite to let them in, then we have to open and close the exam room and bathroom doors for them because they cannot touch the knobs.
The moderate is the person who is unreasonably fearful about transmitting or getting STDs - like "if my daughter digs through my laundry basket for her pink socks can she get herpes on her hands if I had a pair of jeans in there that she touches" (undies would always be kept separate, of course, and never within reach of the daughter). The moderate might also do lots of hand washing, far more than necessary.
The milder is the person who asks lots and lots of questions about germs and presents several scenarios about getting an STD - like "so if I touch a guy's penis through his jeans, but there is a little wetness from pre-cum on his jeans and I do it without gloves on, can I get herpes under my fingernails?" True, lots of people ask questions about transmission, but if someone leans toward OCD tendencies, the questions have a different feel, are more "out there", are more troubling for the asker.
Another reason someone might not take the risk of getting herpes is simply that they don't know the person who has herpes well enough to take that risk, and that is completely understandable. That's why, when you have herpes, and you meet someone at a party, you don't say, "Hi, I'm Terri, and I have genital herpes." You wait until they know you better, have more invested in you, have more reason to be willing to take some risk. But this discussion must happen before having sex, of course, so they have an opportunity to make the decision about risk for themselves.
The survey also deals with the fact that many people with herpes admit to NOT disclosing their herpes status to sexual partners. But that's another blog.
I'm sure you can think of more reasons why people are reluctant to take the risk of getting herpes, but think of this: do you think it is in one's best interest to chose or not chose a life partner based on whether they have a virus on their genitals that can be well controlled with medicine and causes infrequent symptoms that can also be successfully and easily treated? Are there not more important qualities for a partner to have or not have that will sustain a relationship over time? I think the answer is quite clear. The trick is having people think it through carefully and being brave and sensing what is truly important in a partner.
Terri
Related Topics:
Another piece of good news was that for people who had herpes, the biggest issue was bothersome symptoms of herpes outbreaks. That was listed way ahead of being bothered by stigma. Outbreaks can be treated or mostly prevented with medicine but there's no prescription for feeling stigmatized by your herpes.
The bad news is that a majority of people who didn't have herpes said they would avoid having a relationship with someone with herpes or break up with a partner who had herpes. Now that is truly stunning to me. This is 2007, folks! Of all of the things that can go wrong in a relationship, herpes is so far down the list, its almost not detectable. I'll bet if you surveyed discordant married couples - that is, couples where one person has herpes and the other doesn't, they would tell you that sex, money, in-laws, household chores and inability to talk to each other cause way more problems than herpes ever could.
It makes my heart very sad to think of the wonderful, quality people that I know, and know really well, who have been turned down for relationships because they have herpes. I used to think that people who did that were scumbags, that they didn't have a good sense of ethics or of what's important in life or that they would be unreliable in future hard situations. But I think a bit differently about that now. Now, I think that often they are just unreasonably afraid, that they know too little about the real experience of herpes, that they are just afraid of the reputation, not the actual disease and that they will never be able to know the "real" herpes.
I also think that people who count a lot on their sexuality for their identity are less likely to take any risk of getting herpes. It's like if you are a pianist, you take extra care with your hands or if your job is to model toenail polish, you take extra care with your feet. If much of your identity is tied up in your ability to be sexual, then you will be less willing to take risks with that part of you. And lest you are thinking, "yea, see, they are scumbags, they are oversexed weirdos", I would say that isn't necessarily true. They just may feel good about the way they look or the things they can do sexually and may not have built up their confidence about themselves in other areas at the same rate as the sexual confidence. We all feel strong in some areas, but not in others, right?
Another group of people who just can't seem to deal with herpes in a partner is people with obsessive compulsive disorder, and this is more common than you night think. And it comes in mild, moderate and severe cases. The severe case is the person who comes into my office and won't touch the doorknobs - they wait for someone else to walk into our suite to let them in, then we have to open and close the exam room and bathroom doors for them because they cannot touch the knobs.
The moderate is the person who is unreasonably fearful about transmitting or getting STDs - like "if my daughter digs through my laundry basket for her pink socks can she get herpes on her hands if I had a pair of jeans in there that she touches" (undies would always be kept separate, of course, and never within reach of the daughter). The moderate might also do lots of hand washing, far more than necessary.
The milder is the person who asks lots and lots of questions about germs and presents several scenarios about getting an STD - like "so if I touch a guy's penis through his jeans, but there is a little wetness from pre-cum on his jeans and I do it without gloves on, can I get herpes under my fingernails?" True, lots of people ask questions about transmission, but if someone leans toward OCD tendencies, the questions have a different feel, are more "out there", are more troubling for the asker.
Another reason someone might not take the risk of getting herpes is simply that they don't know the person who has herpes well enough to take that risk, and that is completely understandable. That's why, when you have herpes, and you meet someone at a party, you don't say, "Hi, I'm Terri, and I have genital herpes." You wait until they know you better, have more invested in you, have more reason to be willing to take some risk. But this discussion must happen before having sex, of course, so they have an opportunity to make the decision about risk for themselves.
The survey also deals with the fact that many people with herpes admit to NOT disclosing their herpes status to sexual partners. But that's another blog.
I'm sure you can think of more reasons why people are reluctant to take the risk of getting herpes, but think of this: do you think it is in one's best interest to chose or not chose a life partner based on whether they have a virus on their genitals that can be well controlled with medicine and causes infrequent symptoms that can also be successfully and easily treated? Are there not more important qualities for a partner to have or not have that will sustain a relationship over time? I think the answer is quite clear. The trick is having people think it through carefully and being brave and sensing what is truly important in a partner.
Terri
Related Topics:
- All About Genital Herpes: Re-Entering the Dating Scene
- WebMD Video: Vaccine to Prevent Genital Herpes
52 Comments:
I think that people also are more likely to hypothetically say they would not be in a relationship with someone with herpes. If I had been asked this question a few years ago, I would have answered that way. But when I was actually confronted with the idea of being in a relationship with a real person who had it, I did some research, digested the information and we've been together almost 2 years. Now I can never imagine having that be a reason for not dating someone. That's long-winded but my point I think is that there's a difference between a hypothetical person and a real person.
I think the important thing, as "anonymous" noted is that this survey is a little skewed for the non-herpes folks as it's not a real life situation where they've gotten to know someone as a person before herpes comes up. It makes a huge difference.
Numerically, I'm hardly a good statistical sample, but anectodally, nobody that I've told ran away or rejected me in any way.
I wholeheartedly agree that the answer to this whole uncomfortable and unfair stigma is education of the general public.
Keep up the good work Terri.
Oh! This was a phone survey? I wonder if responses would have been different if they had used a computer or paper to administer the survey.
I'd love to test those who self-reported being hsv-negative to find out how many of them really are!
I agree with Raj on his point too.
Thank you for yor blog, Terry!
Your support in the H-community is much appreciated!
This was a great article Terri. Thanks so much for writing it.
Loved this article. I am always wondering if it is ethical not to tell a person until there is a potential relationship. I know it is unethical, but I do not think that society as a whole understands it in all its complexity. It is bad enough that society thinks on one with hsv as "dirty" or "skanky" when in all reality it can happen to anyone. I just wish someone would step up and say hey, its not a bad thing.
I am obsessive-compulsive, and catching herpes (oral or genital) is my biggest fear. I've had thoughts much like the examples you use, and I've struggled with thinking I was a scumbag for not dating people with herpes. I've realized by now that I may be crazy, but I could have much worse vices than washing my hands too much. Terri, I appreciate your acknowledgment.
I am 45 years old & I have had 3 different outcomes after telling someone I was starting a relationship with that I have genital herpes. The 1st one decided he didn't care, didn't want to use a condom, I warned that just because I wasn't suffering from an obvious breakout at the time, there was still a risk. Well, after 10 months or so, he ended up contracting genital herpes, went on a drinking binge & ended up back with his soon-to-be ex-wife! The 2nd time, I did the same thing. Told him about it before we had sex, he thought about it, investigated it & eventually decided he would wear a condom. When the "only" time we had sex happened, he ended up running to the bathroom & got sick! He couldn't handle it. It was a very tearful good-bye, I told him I understood. He just couldn't bring himself to ever have sex with me again. The 3rd time, again same scenerio, after getting to know each other for a month or so, it was getting to be the time that I needed to tell him. I did, we talked about it again & again over the next few weeks, he asked questions & I answered them. He then decided I was worth the risk, no matter what! We have now been together for over 18 years (married for 16)& yes, eventually he did contract genital herpes, but he was o.k. with it. We always took every precaution in the beginning, but he decided he didn't care & stopped using condoms. We never had sex during an outbreak, but as we all know, having no visible signs is no guarantee. There are ALL kinds out there, with their own opinions & feelings about herpes. I am a firm believer that you get to know someone a little before you spring the "I have herpes" speech on them, but you absolutely need to tell them if it looks like your relationship is going to include sex. Don't say "surprise" later when they come to you wondering why they now have genital herpes.
-Becky
Having Herpes is something to really digest. You want to know all the facts as far as a family member getting it and to be as careful as you can not to spread it. What I can't understand is why would someone give it to you intentionally. Undoubtley they must not care for you ,want to control you, or maybe not know themselves but come on the signs and symptoms are there. Someone gave it to me (this was a time in my life when I was drinking heavy and was just buck wild) I'm 46 yrs. old and had never experinced anything like this before I thought it was a yeast infection. Time and time again I was running to the doctor for that because I didn't know, then I got to looking up std's on the internet and everything I had matched the symptoms. Boy was that ever a wake up call. I told my Dr. he ran some test and sure enough I did. I wanted to know everything about it , I was depressed, angry,hurt all kinds of emotions but my Dr. has helped me alot and now I learn to live with it. There is help and you can live a normal life ( just a more cautious one) It dosen't matter how old you are you are never to old to learn more. Just be careful and when the time is right you will know how to tell someone if it's worth it to them thats fine for you but if not you would be miserable the whole time anyway let it go and move on.USE PROTECTION!
My son was given herpes by his wife. she never told him she had it. After two years f dating they got married. On his honey moon he had his first ever break out from his groin to his knees. It is disgusting. I would have left her. he feels trapped because who would want him with herpes. she knew he had an immune defficience yet she still had sex with him without letting him know she was infected. It is a disgusting disease and people who have it sho worry about passing it on to others.
i think it is so important that we all talk about these issues that "feel" so taboo but are really universal... no one should feel alone or stigmatized by a diagnosis of herpes.... as a cervical cancer suvivor i constantly speak out about HPV and that no woman should ever feel alone or embarrassed. i encourage all women over 30 to get the HPV test, all women by 21 going in for their pap, and young/girls women get the HPV vaccine to help keep the hooch healthy! all women should feel empowered to get the right information, and know their body.
This is a very uncomfortable subject for me even after having herpes for 25 years. I didn't contract the disease till I was pregnant with my second child. Apparently, my husband didn't know he had it (probably from Vietnam)and passed it on to me in our 4th year of marriage.
When I was told I had tested positive and ready to deliver by C-section, I was in shock. I still resent my husband for this and things have never been the same in our relationship. I feel there was a lack of trust or betrayal. I also seem to be more prone to outbreaks, whether it be because of my weak immune system or stress, I really don't know. But I understand how people,once they have it, feel trapped and have no one else to turn to if they seek another partner. It is still taboo to talk about it openly. None of my friends or family know we have Herpes.
I am a 26 female, and my OB/GYN told me that in the past, so much research was dedicated to herpes. He said the concept of herpes was everywhere, and that people talked about freely, and now the big STD that people "talk" and research about is HIV. I know HIV is devastating, but you know what? Herpes still is. For me, herpes is always in the back of my mind. I was diagnosed just 2 years ago, and it is very difficult getting into the dating scene (and wanting to get married) knowing that I have a contagious disease. Quite frankly, when I have an outbreak, I feel disgusting and I feel like the world can see it on my face. When will the people of this country have sympathy and not judge?
I have had HSV2 for almost 12 years now. I was devastated at first, but very quickly went to see a doctor and joined a support group shortly thereafter. I was fortunate. The first relationship I had since having the disease was a good one. When I first told him, he literally walked out of my apartment. He called me a few days later apologizing for being a jerk. I showed him a video, and books and anything else I could get my hands on. He said that I was a very special person and that having the disease didn't change that. I was so happy. When the relationship ended after 6 months, it was because he was a jerk, not because of the condition I had! To this day, I still wonder about finding that someone special and telling him that I have HSV2. I know that if he truly loves me, it won't be an issue. Thank you for such a wonderful article.
The comment "Anonymous" posted on October 8, 2007 is a great one. Having herpes will never change who you are, but what you have.
I am going to speak out for the people who don't have herpes!!!Its's not fair to some that does not have the DISEASE if you don't tell them!!!! It's NASTY not to give a person a choice!!! Of course people that have the disease is going to say "why not give everybody chance when there not worrying about their body's anymore!!! FYI kids you can get herpes from oral sex while folks are telling yall intercourse is BAD! People need to keep there body fluids to therselves!
I think a major problem with the Herpes stigma is an uninformed public (and of course the genital element). I have met so many people that do not realize that the cold sore they have means they have herpes. Example, i was at a Christmas party, and noticed that some of my little cousins had cold sores. So, i told their mother that they had herpes and she should make sure that they were very careful to teach the children to not share drinks and to wash their hands frequently. Probably most people would not have said anything (or have even known cold sore = herpes). Yet, i am glad i told her because she has recently had 2 more babies, and had i not told her perhaps she would have been more careless about her children's sores and the babies could have suffered a severe reaction to such early exposure to the virus. As to the ethics of telling a potential partner that you have herpes-- yes, you should. Every person deserves the chance to make their own choices. I understand the fear and anxiety and self-loathing that can accompany the thought of dating people and having to tell them that you have herpes, but IT WILL BE OK. Yes, i have had people decide that they did not feel strongly enough for me to make that commitment--that's ok. Yet, then i have told others who decided that i was worth it. Then there were others i told, and it turned out they had herpes (one of which i had to inform them of the fact based on them telling me they get cold sores). There are always going to be disappointments and relationships that just don't work out wether you have herpes or not. The important thing is to be honest. Most relationships are doomed to failure if there is no trust, and if you don't tell someone you have herpes and then they get it (as they are most likely to) then they rightfully assume that you are willing to hide things from them and begin to wonder "What else are they lying about?" Every single potential partner i've told appreciated my honesty and respected me for it regardless of their choice.
I a virgin when I got married, never been with anybody else. Had 3 previous episodes, visited 3 different Doctors. First case very mild, 2nd Doctor thought I was raped, but Besides the inflamation I had my period, third time the same thing, the last 2 times I was given and antibiotic and told to come back if did not got better. 4th time, Doctor said I had herpes both types. My husband got tested after me and he is negative? He had a girlfriend that had cold sores and was a merchant marine?
The doctor took a sample of my genital aerea and that test was negative. My blood test was positive for both types of herpes?
I will be re-tested but what is wrong with this picture?
I was a virgin when I got married. Little did I know that I had married a whore (that's the only way I can describe it). 3 months after I had my first child I had my first break out. I rushed to the free clinic and a few days later they called me and told me that I had herpes. I was devistated. This was the whole reason that I waited to have sex and I still ended up with herpes. My husband told my mother that I must have slept with someone else and gotten it. I felt like he put me, his wife, in the category of a slut. He got tested and tested negative but the doctor said that sometimes it only shows up when you have a outbreak. He always told me that no one would ever want me because of what I have. I couldn't take the abuse and I left him anyway. When I told my current husband that I had it (while we were still dating) he didn't hesitate when telling me that with medication his chances for contracting it were slim. He loved me for who I was not what I had. For my first husband to tell me that I would never be wanted was crazy. If someone truly loves you then they will take that chance. I always thought that only permiscuios people got the STD, but now I know that's not true and I look at people with STD's in a whole new light.
I was recently diagnosed with genital herpes, unfortunately someone I loved wasn't honest about having an STD test and well....surprise for me! Anyway, I have many friends that have had it for years, all of which are either married or in relationships with partners that didn't have it when they met. Someone above in their comment said it's a disgusting virus, well yes we who have it are clearly aware of that, no one goes into their relationships thinking they would like to infect someone or get infected by someone but it happens. Please be more aware that people with herpes are disgusting, we are normal people who unfortunately contracted this, I mean 1 in every 4 to 5 people is carrying it......pen your eyes!
All that being said, I actually shared my status with a potential partner and was AMAZED by what they said. They told me that they had dated someone in the past with GH and that when finding it out initially had gone and read and researched it to better understand, all this because they cared about that person. Well as you can guess, this relieved me to know end.....this person looks at me for who I am and not about what I have. To all of you potential partners out there debating on dating anyone with GH, we with it know it's hard to approach something you may not understand, but remember what it is that a makes us special to you and hopefully that will guide you in your decision too.
Sorry about that, "people with herpes AREN'T disgusting"!!! Didn't proof read my above comment...so sorry all! Wasn't insulting anyone I swear!
I am a 25 year old woman and I have had GH for the past 4 years. I do inform my partners about the virus and that I have it. I have had mostly good experiances with "the talk" and one very bad one. Either way I did the right thing for me and my potential partber by being honest. I was not given a choice in the matter as I was not informed beforehand that my partner had it until it had already been contracted. Herpes does not control me or run my life. It is just something I happen to carry. Yes, I have to be careful thats a given!!! Honestly its really not a big deal to me anymore. I am a woman who happens to have herpes.. herpes does not make this woman. lack of information sucks, so it is up to those informed to inform others.
I was recently tested for herpes when my doctor found a single lesion on my genitals. I am completely scared that if i have this no one in the world will ever want me. I already have twin girls that's hard enough to tell a potential partner but this on top of it?!?!? Thank you to all of you who have given me inspiration that I can still find happiness even under present circumstances. Also wish me luck on the test results that have not arrived yet.
I think the current marketing of Valtrex isn't helping. Don't get me wrong Valtrex is a lifesaver when it come to preventing outbreaks, but the current commercials makes it sound like anytime anywhere you can pass it on to a partner. After nearly 12 years of having herpes, and being careful, I have never infected my parnter.
I was never givin the chance by another whom has HSV-2. Jerk.Anywho, telling people when your about to be intimate.. it is very important..I always tell.. and most so far have excepted it.. It sux when all you can think about when your dating is the right time to tell them.. But hopefully they'll understand.If not they wernt for you in the first place.People whom have it arnt dirty ppl. some ppl are or anrnt weather they have it or not. Ppl with are just as normal as someone whom doesnt have it. "the world today" makes it seem like having herpies.. is like being with a lowlife. not true.I thank you all for your comments..Also, acyclovir is my best choice for an outbreak.. my out breaks are once a year. "seriousley". You just take it when its there.. and take it until its gone..I think Valtrek sux ass. and doesnt do anything and too expensive..
First, I would like to thank everyone for offering their point of view (positive and negative). I came to this board because I'm considering a relationship with a wonderful man who has genital HSV-1. He has told me about it upfront and, while there has been some anxiety on my part, which I think is normal, we continue to talk about it and see each other and things are moving forward. I just can not fathom passing up on a great guy because on what is, essentially, a skin condition. There are just more important things in life. He brings me roses and takes me to the opera. I mean, c'mon!
ive been with only 1 girl since 2002 because i was in prison from then until march 06.4 months after i got out i fell in love with a girl.but we dont know which one of us gave it to the other.i was only the second guy she had been with.and she was my third.ive always had cold sores.but her ex is a manager at a strip club and he cheated on her many times.when i had my first outbreak it was not very serious and i thought it was an ingrown hair or a pimple.and that was like 2 weeks after we started having sex,but then about 2months after that she had a bad outbreak and she was diagnosed.her ex says he got tested but will not bring proof of the testing.but also i dont know if he did bring the proof to her but is just not telling me.but ive stayed with her this long,im pretty sure only because we both have it.which sucks.
There is definately some real people out there. Just two days ago I finally confronted my fear of telling the man that I am in love with that I have Genital Herpes. I was somewhat prepared to be scorned and rejected however his reaction was the total opposite. He was so sincere and compassionate, he expressed his love for me and said he would be by my side regardless. I have now gain an extra love for this man and I am happy!
Thank you for writing this but I think your preaching to the saved! We need to get WAY more info to the public about his and that even people in long term reltionships can get it from their partner who hasn't ever had symptoms. Even the most cautios of people can get this virus.
It is a great article. Many people find the first time that they tell someone is the hardest. Here are some tips for talking about it before a relationship becomes intimate: http://www.stdpal.com. The most popular feature on this site is you can get free membership by recommend it to your friends.
This is a great article and I love the comments. It's good to hear from people who have it or is dating somebody who has it. I found out I had it 6 months ago. I was devastated. I do not know anybody with Herpes or at least anybody who openly tells me. So it's refreshing to hear from people who do and hear their stories. I'm still very young and since I found out I live in fear of having another outbreak or being rejected by somebody I love. I don't let it consume me though, I know I am an intelligent woman and success and happiness is not reflected on HSV. What devastates me is I contracted it not by somebody I love but by a man who forced himself on me. I also want anybody who has recently contracted or has known they have had it for a while that no matter what stigma goes along with herpes. It's not what makes you. You are still everything you were and always will be.
This is a very difficult topic for me. I feel incredibly guilty because, although I have not been formally diagnosed, I think I have had GH for some time. Before dating my current partner, I had not had sex in approximately 2 years. Recently, I noticed some troubling symptoms (sores, blisters in the genital area) and decided to seek treatment from a doctor. I am still waiting to hear about the results. Terrified.
Here's my dilemma. If I am positive for GH, what do I tell my partner? What if I gave it to him? I never wanted to do any such thing, but I was scared to mention the possibility to him before we had sex. On the other hand, it's also possible that he gave it to me. I don't really know. We've dated several times over the past few years, so who knows who got it from who. I'm scared. Everyone fears rejection. I suppose I just need to remember that if he cannot handle the truth, then he's not the one for me.
Guilt: I feel incredibly guilty because I could have gotten tested before, but didn't. If I passed this on to him, I will feel so ashamed. I'm not a bad person. I actually am a very caring person that always helps out others. I was just too scared to tell him before we had sex.
Now, his ex-wife had their child via C-section...due to "complications" as he says. I wonder if those complications were GH. I guess I would just feel so much better if I knew that we both had it and that neither of us gave it to each other. I have to tell him this weekend. I also got tested for other STDs and am currently receiving treatment. Pray for me, please. I'm so nervous.
I just wanted to share that I found out while dating "so called Mr. Right" He was supportive at the time of diagnosis...marriage proposal and all that, just to tell me a month later, I must have cheated on him! Which of course i never did...so that made me think he knew he had it and wasn't careful with me....for his own pleasure of course. I dated alot after kicking his arse to the curb and told every potential partner and not once rejected....we just used protection. Then came my real Mr. Right out of nowhere and he was the hardest to tell but the compassion this man had for something so devastating to me was just surreal. We have been married for 7 years and 2 kids later( both C secs) and it is something we never think about...unless of course I am having an episode and he is well you know, wanting a little! I just make him wait....which makes it more exciting sometimes...I don't use the I have a headache tonite...I use this! There is hope and a more than normal life for all.
This was an excellent article. I wish more people would make an effort to get the word out to people that herpes is not the plague and that far more people have it than most might think. It truly is hurtful to hear people talk about ending relationships over a disease that for me has proven to be little more than an after thought. I got diagnosed with it over a year ago after having been in a relaionship for 6-7 months. We don't know who gave it to who and at first there was resentment on both of our parts, but we did some research and found out people can have it and not know. After I got diagnosed I had another outbreak within two weeks of the first but haven't had another since. The second time I had one I had just consumed food containing Splenda. I then read about artificial sweeteners possibly causing herpes sufferers to have outbeaks and my partner and I have since cut out all artificial sweeteners and neither of us has had any signs of an outbreak since. I don't even think much about HSV anymore. Sometimes I think about how I would deal with the "herpes talk" if my partner and I were to break up. But I hope that if that ever did happen I found someone who was open minded enough to do some research and who wouldn't judge me over something that has proven so far to be such a minor part of my life.
Despite being *very* conservative about sex, I recently found I had genital herpes type one, which ultimately came from someone's mouth. At first I was devastated, but then I learned more about it and came to the following conclusions.
1) Yes, outbreaks are really painful and disgusting, but unless you have them frequently, they aren't a problem. No infertility, no shortening of your lifespan, etc. It's a weird gross thing that has almost no effect on your health, so we really need to get over it.
2) I've got type one, which is usually oral. Something like 80% of Americans have this orally. At the rate oral sex is increasing, it's going to get into people's genitals with a very large frequency. And whether you date someone who knowingly has it or not, anytime you engage in *any* sexual behavior, even mouth-to-mouth kissing, you risk contracting herpes. (Unless your partner has been tested for antibodies and found not to have them, which is like 2% of the population.)
I had someone neglect to tell me they had herpes and though I never was infected, it does now mean I'd never enter a relationship with someone who does. The "hypothetical vs real person" doesn't work after that either. STD's=no relationship. Period, soulmate or not.
Hi, my name is Penny, I am one of the people that has genital herpes. I was married to a man that did not tell me he was infected. He knew. One day there was a commercial on tv about a new drug that was supposed to surpress the disease. He looked up and announced that he was told he had it. I was shocked!. I work in the medical field so I was familiar with it. I asked him how long had he known, he said since 1995. This was 1998. I asked him why he didn't tell me before and he said , If I had told you, you wouldn't have wanted me.
So that said that he made a concious decision to ruin my life. He did not have that right. So, I stayed with him until 2006. I figured who would want me with this disease. We argued about this almost on a daily basis. I realize that we do things that we cannot change, but at least we can be decent about it. Not this one, he showed no remorse at all. So, since that time I have been celebet. I have met some new men, and when it starts getting too heavy I tell them about it and they are instantly turned off. I can't blame them. So for him he keeps his life going with other women while I am alone. It will be (2) years the 24th of this months. I am lonely, and miss the companionship, but I can't seem to establish one. Someone please talk to me about this.
Thanx
Ok folks. For those of you with negative comments about HSV-2, I will attribute it to a lack of research and perhaps ignorance. Don't you understand that its views and comments like those that makes people feel that they can't share that special part of themselves with you. If anything you need to be open-minded so people will continue to share this with you. Many don't, and its sad. Anywho, I have a couple questions that I want to ask the community. Now I've never had an outbreak in my life, the way that I found out about it was through a blood test,where the doctor told me that I was "exposed" to the virus. What the hell does that mean?????? I've asked 3 doctors and each one of them have given me a different answer. All of the conflicting information out there gives me a headeache.
Anonymous...
I have had GH for 12 years. I married the person who gave it to me. I think that this is the only reason I married him because I did not want to explain this to anyone else. I am not really happy! I resent him all of the time. I am also pregnant with my second child. I don't want the anger I have inside to cause any harm to my unborn child. We are just two different people. I think that if I did not have GH, I would have been gone a long, long, long time ago. He said he never cheated but for some reason, I don't believe him. But I do know that you can have it, and not know it for several years. I get depressed a lot. Like I am now while I am typing this. I always meet other people that I am interested in, but I know that they would probably turn their nose up at me. I just feel alone most of the time. I don't have anyone to talk to. He tries to console me, but I don't want it from him. I think that I really "hate" him for ruining my life, because he couldn't keep his pants up in his teenage years.
Penny,
You made the right decision to leave him. He took matters into his own hands to ruin your life. You had to take it back. I wish that I could give you advice on what to do! I feel your pain! Whenever I get up the nerve to leave, I will. He doesn't understand. I am not ever really happy! He always asks me "Are you in love with me?" I lie each time of course! Sometimes I want to tell him the real reason why I married him. I know it would probably break his heart but I can't help it. I really never got the chance to fall in love, I was forced to love someone because of GH. It is just good to vent and get these feelings off of my chest before I burst a blood vessel! I don't think that he knew, but how do I know for sure? That's why I don't share my medicine with him if he has an outbreak! He is to afraid to go to the doctor to get his own presecription. So, I hide my medicine! It's mean! But I like it!
Don't be mad at your husband. Forgive him becuase you can't chnage the past and anger will only destroy your beautiful heart. Forgicve him and love him even if you decide to leave him. Pray and depend on God he can deliver us from any situation that breaks our heart.
I'm in a little situation that I've been trying really hard to get up the nerve to tell the person I love soo much. A little over 10 months ago I had went to the doctor because I had a bump on my genitals and I knew I needed to go get checked, well at that same time I also found out I was pregnant, so here I am pregnant, don't know who the father of my child is "between two people" and the third person of which I know gave me herpes. As 9 months go by I was alone with all these thoughts making sure I didn't pass this to my child "valtrex" helped me by the way, and one of the possibilities of my childs father stuck by me as a friend and was there for my childs birth. I had no sexual relationship with this person (who actually is my ex and I've known him for a long time)so obviously he doesn't know and to be honest I didn't think he was my childs father even after I had her I didn't think she was his. After she was born he told me that even if she wasn't his he still wanted to be with me again and be her father, I told him I couldn't make a decision right now because I was confused about not knowing who her father was, but in reality I didn't want to face the fact that I had to tell him about my condition. He said he would do anything to win me back, and now that I know my daughter is his (of which he is now the happiest father of two children ) he wants to buy a house and well live happily ever after I guess. I'm writing this for advice because I'm an honest person and I would NEVER infect someone with what I have because that isn't fair, I didn't ask for it (well I kinda did because I wasn't careful)and no one else deserves it without knowing. someone told me not to tell him because he'll probably be there because we have a child anyways, but that to me is trapping him and I wouldn't do that. He knows how honest I am and if I break it now he'll never trust me. I know everyone is going to say "if he loves you he will understand" but when I re-inact when and how I'm going to say it to him in my head it somehow blows up in my face. I just need a little advice on how I should tell him and when I should tell him (as soon as possible I'm assuming). I honestly haven't stopped my life because of this and I've cried a couple times, but in all reality a few of my friends know and they never once turned their back on me or thought any differently of me, so I'm hoping he wont either. A little advice please.
I don't mean to make a joke out of all this, but since herpes is like, the new thing now (every other commercial is for Valtrex), and since 1/4 people have it, if you're REALLY that shy about telling somebody else about your herpes status, you should just date as many people as possible until one day, when you've been with that person for a while, he or she says to you, "Listen, I have herpes." And then of course, you just say, "Hey, I'm cool with that!" Then, once you have sex with him or her without a condom, you could just pretend that you contracted it from them and maybe one day, get married and live happily ever after.
Or of course, after he or she says, "I have herpes," you could just be like, "Me too." And it's all good anyway.
I'm in shock and trying to figure out how to deal with this "stigma". My husband and I have been married for 26 years, are best friends and truly monogamous. Thinking I had the worst case of vaginitis that would not get any better after a week, even after using everything over the counter I could use, I finally went to the doctor. Guess what the cultures grew? Type 1 herpes virus!! She suspected this when examining me because there were so many bad abrasions. When she told me, you could have knocked me over with a feather! I went home in shock and told my husband right away - he was VERY well aware of my severe pain and suffering and was very concerned. I was a virgin when we married, but he had been with several (5-6) people. After doing some research and my asking some questions the doctor sent me home with....come to find out, he had a major outbreak just after his senior year in high school, but was never diagnosed (it went away after about 2.5 weeks) and had no further bad outbreaks other than an occassional annoying spot on his penis. I never had symptoms until - POW - and I'm now a 50-year-old woman dealing with this for the 1st time!!!
I truly love my husband and I know he loves me, too, but this is such a difficult situation for me to deal with. We will get over this, but our sex lives will never be the same. I am a professional executive as is my husband - - nobody would EVER suspect that we are dealing with such a bizarre, life-changing situation. We have so much fun with our young adult kids, but are trying to figure out a way to break this to them so they don't suffer like us. In closing, I have to say thank goodness for Valtrex!
Hello, my name is Barbara and i am truly scared right now. I just had my first outbreak and i am devasted. I felt dirty, I know that i am not. I have always been so careful, i love my life!Many people who posted comments say things like "he ruined my life". That makes me sad. As horrified as i am to have that first herpes talk with a potential partner, i don't feel like my life was ruined. I am not going to die from this, I have not lost a loved one! I am still blessed with the fact that this world gives us the opportunity to change, make things better! The only thing that does not get better is death, and i am very much alive and still the same wonderful person i have always been! I'm not perfect, i cry my eyes out because i'm still saddened by it. I wish i didn't have it. It is really nice to have everyone post their thoughts here, thank you!
Hi, everyone...
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all the wonderful comments out there, the positive as well as the negative. I just found out about three months ago that I had herpes and, like many others, was devastated. I still feel like I will miss out on many great potential relationships because of the stigmas attached to having this disease. As a matter of fact, I just met someone a little while ago and we hit it off great! I was abstaining from sex until we had "the talk", but I couldn't find the courage to tell him. One day things went too far and we had sex. I felt excruciating guilty because our relationship was progressing so wonderfully, and now I HAD to tell him because he had been exposed. So, armed with fresh facts from various websites, I told him. I even had a little info for him to read. He read it, and at the time, he seemed to take it well. He asked a few questions and said he still wanted to see me. Inside I was skeptical and just told myself that he just needed some time to digest it all and he would probably feel differently. Surely enough, the next day he was upset about me not giving him the choice beforehand and betrayed that I didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him. He said he needed time to deal with this and make a decision about if he wanted to stay with me.
This was two days ago. I feel anxious and horrible. I feel like this guy could have been "the one" if I had done the ethical thing and told him way before our pants came off. Of course he still could have taken it badly if I had told him before, but now I will never know. For now, I sit in the wings...
This was an interesting article, but I have to dissagree with some of the points raised here. First, there are specific categories of people that are outlined in the article that may wish to avoid risk of contraction. Most of these are chalked up to having various neuroses. I resent this. There is at least one other category of person that would probably not engage in sex with an infected person: those simply wishing to stay disease free. That's the bottom line. Why does the author feel it neccessary to 'diagnose' people that are adverse to taking unneccesary risks with some kind of mental abnormality or misconception about the disease?
My other issue with this article is that the author suggests waiting until a person is 'emotionally invested' in you before you tell them about your infection. This is selfish and indefensible. The only motivation for this is that it would be harder for the uninfected pereson to reject you. To be frank, I for one, would not become sexually involved with someone that had an incurable STD. For me, that is simply a no brainer. However, if someone I was dating waited until I had gotten 'emotionally invested' and it was just before 'show time' to disclose something like this, not only would I break up with them, I would probably never speak to them again. That is called emotional manipulation, or social engineering, and that will burn a bridge faster than gasoline.
I recently met someone who confided with me she has herpes2. Whereas I have never shown symptoms and never been tested I have decided to get tested myself before I even consider pursuing a sexual reltionship. I know who I am and I do suffer from some mild forms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. my worries are that my OCD symptoms might overwhelm me, making my life more stressful and in turn making her life more stressful - which would then affect her health as herpes flareups share a commonality with stress. I totally respect that she shared this with me and have been open enough with her that, up until this point, she has respected me.
Has anyone ever been stigmatized at work? For instance, has an entire group of people asked you which bathroom you use at work, or handed you virucidal handiwipes when you exit the bathroom door, or start up a conversation in the break room with a coworker regarding all things herpes, then both of them ask your opinion about it. I go through this daily. Any help out there?
Yes. My wife was fired by an ignorant HR person who thought she could spread it to everyone. They had to pay us $50k for that mistake.
There seem to be a lot of misconceptions among even the "infected" here. Herpes has a huge infection rate. Conservative estimates put it at about 70% of the population. Most people carry the virus unmolested. Husbands and wives accusing each other is a bit silly. You may not ever know where you were infected. Cold sores CAN produce genital herpes should someone have oral sex with you. The virus can stay dormant for so long that even monogamous couples can find out that they have herpes. The truth is nearly everyone has some form of herpes we just stigmatize genital herpes while people with oral herpes get to call it a cold sore.
I have been married for 5 years and together for 8. After going through some rough times, I cheated. I ended up falling for another guy and had sex one time. The relationship ended as quickly as it began (He ended it)and as much as I wanted to forget it, I couldn't, I began to run to get my mind off of the situation. 3 to 4 days into running, I noticed alot of pain and of course abbraisions that I just associated with being a new runner. I have since done research and am beginning to think that I may have GH. I still need to get tested and am making an appointment. Is there any way that I could have had this before and not noticed? Is it definately from him?
Testing is not always accurate!
In 1999 I went to the doctor - frantic. As a member of the medical community I had general knowledge of STDs and was a "geek" who looked up everything in the days before my appointment - I was pretty sure I had contract HSV from my year long monogamous partner (well at least I was monogamous - I later learned he wasn't). My doctor did cultures and blood tests and came back with negative results for all STDs - he said I just had vaginist. Every year with my annual pap I got a series of STD tests just to be sure and every year they came back negative. In 2002 I started seeing a wonderful man. We discussed our sexual pasts and both had STD tests done early in the relationship. Then in 2006 (more than 3 years after our first sexual encounter) he was diagnosed with HSV - and seeing how we had only been with each other since 2002 he asked me to get tested again. I did and the results were positive - by this time I had moved and had a new doctor. This doctor asked alot more questions and drew alot more blood. He told me that I was a carrier of the virus and had been for sometime because of the anitbodies present(perhaps since 1999) and that my immune system must be strong enough to suppress outbreaks. I did not experience an outbreak until I was under the stress of planning our wedding in 2007 - and even then it was gone with a week of Valtrex. We are now happily married and expecting our first child and while my husband as an outbreak 3-4 times a year mine are less frequent even during this pregnancy. Both my husband and I will go on suppressive therapy Valtrex in the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy to reduce transmission risk to our child. I guess my point is that just because there is a negative test result doesn't mean that one partner isn't a carrier of the virus. HSV shouldn't stop people from being in a relationship that is built on honesty and trust.
I used protection all the time, but got herpes from a ex-girlfriend from oral sex when she was cheating on me. I had no idea that she was cheating on me, I don't even know how many partners she had. I found out about her other relationships from friends and family. It was my second relationship. I was terrified and cried myself to sleep in my locked room every night. I did not tell my family and tried to get sympathy from my ex-girlfriend about what happened. She denied that she did anything wrong. I wish I knew that she was promiscuous before having sex with her. 3 years wasted down the tube. I felt duped and angry.
2 years later I met this girl that I really liked and we started dating. I finally decided to tell her that I have genital herpes. I cried telling her and hoped that she understood. She did some research and told me the next day that she wanted to stay in the relationship and was ok being with me. 3 years later we broke up because of other reasons. She never got genital herpes because we used protection all the time. Now I am single again and thinking about doing it again or just might stay single and take care of my family.
I went to many different doctors many times and it seems that they don't know much about the disease. They test me for everything, but had no idea about the other symptoms involved with the disease.
So people out there. DON'T HAVE SEX. Think about your future. I don't care how attractive the person is or how many people are having sex around you. It is very difficult to tell if someone is cheating on you or has a disease. It is your body and you need to take care of it. I seriously think that this is the only way to stay clear of any disease.
To people that already have it I understand how you feel, I've had it for nearly 9 years and not a day goes by where I regret my mistake. But guess what? It could be worse. I lived and survived, so people out there making wise cracks about the disease and laugh about it like the movie "John tucker must die" that only sets a new low for shallow people to feed on to bully us victims. So please don't let people bully you about the disease or judge you. It is your life and you deserve to be happy. Remember that.
In the meantime there is a vaccine that is coming out soon from herpevac and some other pharmaceutical companies that might provide a way to stop the spread of the virus and possibly a cure for people like us. So there can only be good news coming. Thank you for reading.
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