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Herpes Stigma
So there's good news and bad news about the social stigma associated with herpes. In a recent phone survey of about 2,000 people in the US, 3/4 without herpes and 1/4 with herpes, a slight majority of both groups felt that the topic of genital herpes was not taboo. But when ranking the social stigma associated with any STD, herpes ranked only behind HIV - but hey, let's face it, there is stigma associated with any STD - it does involve genitals, after all, and we, as a society just aren't comfortable about our genitals.
Another piece of good news was that for people who had herpes, the biggest issue was bothersome symptoms of herpes outbreaks. That was listed way ahead of being bothered by stigma. Outbreaks can be treated or mostly prevented with medicine but there's no prescription for feeling stigmatized by your herpes.
The bad news is that a majority of people who didn't have herpes said they would avoid having a relationship with someone with herpes or break up with a partner who had herpes. Now that is truly stunning to me. This is 2007, folks! Of all of the things that can go wrong in a relationship, herpes is so far down the list, its almost not detectable. I'll bet if you surveyed discordant married couples - that is, couples where one person has herpes and the other doesn't, they would tell you that sex, money, in-laws, household chores and inability to talk to each other cause way more problems than herpes ever could.
It makes my heart very sad to think of the wonderful, quality people that I know, and know really well, who have been turned down for relationships because they have herpes. I used to think that people who did that were scumbags, that they didn't have a good sense of ethics or of what's important in life or that they would be unreliable in future hard situations. But I think a bit differently about that now. Now, I think that often they are just unreasonably afraid, that they know too little about the real experience of herpes, that they are just afraid of the reputation, not the actual disease and that they will never be able to know the "real" herpes.
I also think that people who count a lot on their sexuality for their identity are less likely to take any risk of getting herpes. It's like if you are a pianist, you take extra care with your hands or if your job is to model toenail polish, you take extra care with your feet. If much of your identity is tied up in your ability to be sexual, then you will be less willing to take risks with that part of you. And lest you are thinking, "yea, see, they are scumbags, they are oversexed weirdos", I would say that isn't necessarily true. They just may feel good about the way they look or the things they can do sexually and may not have built up their confidence about themselves in other areas at the same rate as the sexual confidence. We all feel strong in some areas, but not in others, right?
Another group of people who just can't seem to deal with herpes in a partner is people with obsessive compulsive disorder, and this is more common than you night think. And it comes in mild, moderate and severe cases. The severe case is the person who comes into my office and won't touch the doorknobs - they wait for someone else to walk into our suite to let them in, then we have to open and close the exam room and bathroom doors for them because they cannot touch the knobs.
The moderate is the person who is unreasonably fearful about transmitting or getting STDs - like "if my daughter digs through my laundry basket for her pink socks can she get herpes on her hands if I had a pair of jeans in there that she touches" (undies would always be kept separate, of course, and never within reach of the daughter). The moderate might also do lots of hand washing, far more than necessary.
The milder is the person who asks lots and lots of questions about germs and presents several scenarios about getting an STD - like "so if I touch a guy's penis through his jeans, but there is a little wetness from pre-cum on his jeans and I do it without gloves on, can I get herpes under my fingernails?" True, lots of people ask questions about transmission, but if someone leans toward OCD tendencies, the questions have a different feel, are more "out there", are more troubling for the asker.
Another reason someone might not take the risk of getting herpes is simply that they don't know the person who has herpes well enough to take that risk, and that is completely understandable. That's why, when you have herpes, and you meet someone at a party, you don't say, "Hi, I'm Terri, and I have genital herpes." You wait until they know you better, have more invested in you, have more reason to be willing to take some risk. But this discussion must happen before having sex, of course, so they have an opportunity to make the decision about risk for themselves.
The survey also deals with the fact that many people with herpes admit to NOT disclosing their herpes status to sexual partners. But that's another blog.
I'm sure you can think of more reasons why people are reluctant to take the risk of getting herpes, but think of this: do you think it is in one's best interest to chose or not chose a life partner based on whether they have a virus on their genitals that can be well controlled with medicine and causes infrequent symptoms that can also be successfully and easily treated? Are there not more important qualities for a partner to have or not have that will sustain a relationship over time? I think the answer is quite clear. The trick is having people think it through carefully and being brave and sensing what is truly important in a partner.
Terri
Related Topics:
Another piece of good news was that for people who had herpes, the biggest issue was bothersome symptoms of herpes outbreaks. That was listed way ahead of being bothered by stigma. Outbreaks can be treated or mostly prevented with medicine but there's no prescription for feeling stigmatized by your herpes.
The bad news is that a majority of people who didn't have herpes said they would avoid having a relationship with someone with herpes or break up with a partner who had herpes. Now that is truly stunning to me. This is 2007, folks! Of all of the things that can go wrong in a relationship, herpes is so far down the list, its almost not detectable. I'll bet if you surveyed discordant married couples - that is, couples where one person has herpes and the other doesn't, they would tell you that sex, money, in-laws, household chores and inability to talk to each other cause way more problems than herpes ever could.
It makes my heart very sad to think of the wonderful, quality people that I know, and know really well, who have been turned down for relationships because they have herpes. I used to think that people who did that were scumbags, that they didn't have a good sense of ethics or of what's important in life or that they would be unreliable in future hard situations. But I think a bit differently about that now. Now, I think that often they are just unreasonably afraid, that they know too little about the real experience of herpes, that they are just afraid of the reputation, not the actual disease and that they will never be able to know the "real" herpes.
I also think that people who count a lot on their sexuality for their identity are less likely to take any risk of getting herpes. It's like if you are a pianist, you take extra care with your hands or if your job is to model toenail polish, you take extra care with your feet. If much of your identity is tied up in your ability to be sexual, then you will be less willing to take risks with that part of you. And lest you are thinking, "yea, see, they are scumbags, they are oversexed weirdos", I would say that isn't necessarily true. They just may feel good about the way they look or the things they can do sexually and may not have built up their confidence about themselves in other areas at the same rate as the sexual confidence. We all feel strong in some areas, but not in others, right?
Another group of people who just can't seem to deal with herpes in a partner is people with obsessive compulsive disorder, and this is more common than you night think. And it comes in mild, moderate and severe cases. The severe case is the person who comes into my office and won't touch the doorknobs - they wait for someone else to walk into our suite to let them in, then we have to open and close the exam room and bathroom doors for them because they cannot touch the knobs.
The moderate is the person who is unreasonably fearful about transmitting or getting STDs - like "if my daughter digs through my laundry basket for her pink socks can she get herpes on her hands if I had a pair of jeans in there that she touches" (undies would always be kept separate, of course, and never within reach of the daughter). The moderate might also do lots of hand washing, far more than necessary.
The milder is the person who asks lots and lots of questions about germs and presents several scenarios about getting an STD - like "so if I touch a guy's penis through his jeans, but there is a little wetness from pre-cum on his jeans and I do it without gloves on, can I get herpes under my fingernails?" True, lots of people ask questions about transmission, but if someone leans toward OCD tendencies, the questions have a different feel, are more "out there", are more troubling for the asker.
Another reason someone might not take the risk of getting herpes is simply that they don't know the person who has herpes well enough to take that risk, and that is completely understandable. That's why, when you have herpes, and you meet someone at a party, you don't say, "Hi, I'm Terri, and I have genital herpes." You wait until they know you better, have more invested in you, have more reason to be willing to take some risk. But this discussion must happen before having sex, of course, so they have an opportunity to make the decision about risk for themselves.
The survey also deals with the fact that many people with herpes admit to NOT disclosing their herpes status to sexual partners. But that's another blog.
I'm sure you can think of more reasons why people are reluctant to take the risk of getting herpes, but think of this: do you think it is in one's best interest to chose or not chose a life partner based on whether they have a virus on their genitals that can be well controlled with medicine and causes infrequent symptoms that can also be successfully and easily treated? Are there not more important qualities for a partner to have or not have that will sustain a relationship over time? I think the answer is quite clear. The trick is having people think it through carefully and being brave and sensing what is truly important in a partner.
Terri
Related Topics:
- All About Genital Herpes: Re-Entering the Dating Scene
- WebMD Video: Vaccine to Prevent Genital Herpes
104 Comments:
I think that people also are more likely to hypothetically say they would not be in a relationship with someone with herpes. If I had been asked this question a few years ago, I would have answered that way. But when I was actually confronted with the idea of being in a relationship with a real person who had it, I did some research, digested the information and we've been together almost 2 years. Now I can never imagine having that be a reason for not dating someone. That's long-winded but my point I think is that there's a difference between a hypothetical person and a real person.
I think the important thing, as "anonymous" noted is that this survey is a little skewed for the non-herpes folks as it's not a real life situation where they've gotten to know someone as a person before herpes comes up. It makes a huge difference.
Numerically, I'm hardly a good statistical sample, but anectodally, nobody that I've told ran away or rejected me in any way.
I wholeheartedly agree that the answer to this whole uncomfortable and unfair stigma is education of the general public.
Keep up the good work Terri.
Oh! This was a phone survey? I wonder if responses would have been different if they had used a computer or paper to administer the survey.
I'd love to test those who self-reported being hsv-negative to find out how many of them really are!
I agree with Raj on his point too.
Thank you for yor blog, Terry!
Your support in the H-community is much appreciated!
This was a great article Terri. Thanks so much for writing it.
Loved this article. I am always wondering if it is ethical not to tell a person until there is a potential relationship. I know it is unethical, but I do not think that society as a whole understands it in all its complexity. It is bad enough that society thinks on one with hsv as "dirty" or "skanky" when in all reality it can happen to anyone. I just wish someone would step up and say hey, its not a bad thing.
I am obsessive-compulsive, and catching herpes (oral or genital) is my biggest fear. I've had thoughts much like the examples you use, and I've struggled with thinking I was a scumbag for not dating people with herpes. I've realized by now that I may be crazy, but I could have much worse vices than washing my hands too much. Terri, I appreciate your acknowledgment.
I am 45 years old & I have had 3 different outcomes after telling someone I was starting a relationship with that I have genital herpes. The 1st one decided he didn't care, didn't want to use a condom, I warned that just because I wasn't suffering from an obvious breakout at the time, there was still a risk. Well, after 10 months or so, he ended up contracting genital herpes, went on a drinking binge & ended up back with his soon-to-be ex-wife! The 2nd time, I did the same thing. Told him about it before we had sex, he thought about it, investigated it & eventually decided he would wear a condom. When the "only" time we had sex happened, he ended up running to the bathroom & got sick! He couldn't handle it. It was a very tearful good-bye, I told him I understood. He just couldn't bring himself to ever have sex with me again. The 3rd time, again same scenerio, after getting to know each other for a month or so, it was getting to be the time that I needed to tell him. I did, we talked about it again & again over the next few weeks, he asked questions & I answered them. He then decided I was worth the risk, no matter what! We have now been together for over 18 years (married for 16)& yes, eventually he did contract genital herpes, but he was o.k. with it. We always took every precaution in the beginning, but he decided he didn't care & stopped using condoms. We never had sex during an outbreak, but as we all know, having no visible signs is no guarantee. There are ALL kinds out there, with their own opinions & feelings about herpes. I am a firm believer that you get to know someone a little before you spring the "I have herpes" speech on them, but you absolutely need to tell them if it looks like your relationship is going to include sex. Don't say "surprise" later when they come to you wondering why they now have genital herpes.
-Becky
Having Herpes is something to really digest. You want to know all the facts as far as a family member getting it and to be as careful as you can not to spread it. What I can't understand is why would someone give it to you intentionally. Undoubtley they must not care for you ,want to control you, or maybe not know themselves but come on the signs and symptoms are there. Someone gave it to me (this was a time in my life when I was drinking heavy and was just buck wild) I'm 46 yrs. old and had never experinced anything like this before I thought it was a yeast infection. Time and time again I was running to the doctor for that because I didn't know, then I got to looking up std's on the internet and everything I had matched the symptoms. Boy was that ever a wake up call. I told my Dr. he ran some test and sure enough I did. I wanted to know everything about it , I was depressed, angry,hurt all kinds of emotions but my Dr. has helped me alot and now I learn to live with it. There is help and you can live a normal life ( just a more cautious one) It dosen't matter how old you are you are never to old to learn more. Just be careful and when the time is right you will know how to tell someone if it's worth it to them thats fine for you but if not you would be miserable the whole time anyway let it go and move on.USE PROTECTION!
My son was given herpes by his wife. she never told him she had it. After two years f dating they got married. On his honey moon he had his first ever break out from his groin to his knees. It is disgusting. I would have left her. he feels trapped because who would want him with herpes. she knew he had an immune defficience yet she still had sex with him without letting him know she was infected. It is a disgusting disease and people who have it sho worry about passing it on to others.
i think it is so important that we all talk about these issues that "feel" so taboo but are really universal... no one should feel alone or stigmatized by a diagnosis of herpes.... as a cervical cancer suvivor i constantly speak out about HPV and that no woman should ever feel alone or embarrassed. i encourage all women over 30 to get the HPV test, all women by 21 going in for their pap, and young/girls women get the HPV vaccine to help keep the hooch healthy! all women should feel empowered to get the right information, and know their body.
This is a very uncomfortable subject for me even after having herpes for 25 years. I didn't contract the disease till I was pregnant with my second child. Apparently, my husband didn't know he had it (probably from Vietnam)and passed it on to me in our 4th year of marriage.
When I was told I had tested positive and ready to deliver by C-section, I was in shock. I still resent my husband for this and things have never been the same in our relationship. I feel there was a lack of trust or betrayal. I also seem to be more prone to outbreaks, whether it be because of my weak immune system or stress, I really don't know. But I understand how people,once they have it, feel trapped and have no one else to turn to if they seek another partner. It is still taboo to talk about it openly. None of my friends or family know we have Herpes.
I am a 26 female, and my OB/GYN told me that in the past, so much research was dedicated to herpes. He said the concept of herpes was everywhere, and that people talked about freely, and now the big STD that people "talk" and research about is HIV. I know HIV is devastating, but you know what? Herpes still is. For me, herpes is always in the back of my mind. I was diagnosed just 2 years ago, and it is very difficult getting into the dating scene (and wanting to get married) knowing that I have a contagious disease. Quite frankly, when I have an outbreak, I feel disgusting and I feel like the world can see it on my face. When will the people of this country have sympathy and not judge?
I have had HSV2 for almost 12 years now. I was devastated at first, but very quickly went to see a doctor and joined a support group shortly thereafter. I was fortunate. The first relationship I had since having the disease was a good one. When I first told him, he literally walked out of my apartment. He called me a few days later apologizing for being a jerk. I showed him a video, and books and anything else I could get my hands on. He said that I was a very special person and that having the disease didn't change that. I was so happy. When the relationship ended after 6 months, it was because he was a jerk, not because of the condition I had! To this day, I still wonder about finding that someone special and telling him that I have HSV2. I know that if he truly loves me, it won't be an issue. Thank you for such a wonderful article.
The comment "Anonymous" posted on October 8, 2007 is a great one. Having herpes will never change who you are, but what you have.
I am going to speak out for the people who don't have herpes!!!Its's not fair to some that does not have the DISEASE if you don't tell them!!!! It's NASTY not to give a person a choice!!! Of course people that have the disease is going to say "why not give everybody chance when there not worrying about their body's anymore!!! FYI kids you can get herpes from oral sex while folks are telling yall intercourse is BAD! People need to keep there body fluids to therselves!
I think a major problem with the Herpes stigma is an uninformed public (and of course the genital element). I have met so many people that do not realize that the cold sore they have means they have herpes. Example, i was at a Christmas party, and noticed that some of my little cousins had cold sores. So, i told their mother that they had herpes and she should make sure that they were very careful to teach the children to not share drinks and to wash their hands frequently. Probably most people would not have said anything (or have even known cold sore = herpes). Yet, i am glad i told her because she has recently had 2 more babies, and had i not told her perhaps she would have been more careless about her children's sores and the babies could have suffered a severe reaction to such early exposure to the virus. As to the ethics of telling a potential partner that you have herpes-- yes, you should. Every person deserves the chance to make their own choices. I understand the fear and anxiety and self-loathing that can accompany the thought of dating people and having to tell them that you have herpes, but IT WILL BE OK. Yes, i have had people decide that they did not feel strongly enough for me to make that commitment--that's ok. Yet, then i have told others who decided that i was worth it. Then there were others i told, and it turned out they had herpes (one of which i had to inform them of the fact based on them telling me they get cold sores). There are always going to be disappointments and relationships that just don't work out wether you have herpes or not. The important thing is to be honest. Most relationships are doomed to failure if there is no trust, and if you don't tell someone you have herpes and then they get it (as they are most likely to) then they rightfully assume that you are willing to hide things from them and begin to wonder "What else are they lying about?" Every single potential partner i've told appreciated my honesty and respected me for it regardless of their choice.
I a virgin when I got married, never been with anybody else. Had 3 previous episodes, visited 3 different Doctors. First case very mild, 2nd Doctor thought I was raped, but Besides the inflamation I had my period, third time the same thing, the last 2 times I was given and antibiotic and told to come back if did not got better. 4th time, Doctor said I had herpes both types. My husband got tested after me and he is negative? He had a girlfriend that had cold sores and was a merchant marine?
The doctor took a sample of my genital aerea and that test was negative. My blood test was positive for both types of herpes?
I will be re-tested but what is wrong with this picture?
I was a virgin when I got married. Little did I know that I had married a whore (that's the only way I can describe it). 3 months after I had my first child I had my first break out. I rushed to the free clinic and a few days later they called me and told me that I had herpes. I was devistated. This was the whole reason that I waited to have sex and I still ended up with herpes. My husband told my mother that I must have slept with someone else and gotten it. I felt like he put me, his wife, in the category of a slut. He got tested and tested negative but the doctor said that sometimes it only shows up when you have a outbreak. He always told me that no one would ever want me because of what I have. I couldn't take the abuse and I left him anyway. When I told my current husband that I had it (while we were still dating) he didn't hesitate when telling me that with medication his chances for contracting it were slim. He loved me for who I was not what I had. For my first husband to tell me that I would never be wanted was crazy. If someone truly loves you then they will take that chance. I always thought that only permiscuios people got the STD, but now I know that's not true and I look at people with STD's in a whole new light.
I was recently diagnosed with genital herpes, unfortunately someone I loved wasn't honest about having an STD test and well....surprise for me! Anyway, I have many friends that have had it for years, all of which are either married or in relationships with partners that didn't have it when they met. Someone above in their comment said it's a disgusting virus, well yes we who have it are clearly aware of that, no one goes into their relationships thinking they would like to infect someone or get infected by someone but it happens. Please be more aware that people with herpes are disgusting, we are normal people who unfortunately contracted this, I mean 1 in every 4 to 5 people is carrying it......pen your eyes!
All that being said, I actually shared my status with a potential partner and was AMAZED by what they said. They told me that they had dated someone in the past with GH and that when finding it out initially had gone and read and researched it to better understand, all this because they cared about that person. Well as you can guess, this relieved me to know end.....this person looks at me for who I am and not about what I have. To all of you potential partners out there debating on dating anyone with GH, we with it know it's hard to approach something you may not understand, but remember what it is that a makes us special to you and hopefully that will guide you in your decision too.
Sorry about that, "people with herpes AREN'T disgusting"!!! Didn't proof read my above comment...so sorry all! Wasn't insulting anyone I swear!
I am a 25 year old woman and I have had GH for the past 4 years. I do inform my partners about the virus and that I have it. I have had mostly good experiances with "the talk" and one very bad one. Either way I did the right thing for me and my potential partber by being honest. I was not given a choice in the matter as I was not informed beforehand that my partner had it until it had already been contracted. Herpes does not control me or run my life. It is just something I happen to carry. Yes, I have to be careful thats a given!!! Honestly its really not a big deal to me anymore. I am a woman who happens to have herpes.. herpes does not make this woman. lack of information sucks, so it is up to those informed to inform others.
I was recently tested for herpes when my doctor found a single lesion on my genitals. I am completely scared that if i have this no one in the world will ever want me. I already have twin girls that's hard enough to tell a potential partner but this on top of it?!?!? Thank you to all of you who have given me inspiration that I can still find happiness even under present circumstances. Also wish me luck on the test results that have not arrived yet.
I think the current marketing of Valtrex isn't helping. Don't get me wrong Valtrex is a lifesaver when it come to preventing outbreaks, but the current commercials makes it sound like anytime anywhere you can pass it on to a partner. After nearly 12 years of having herpes, and being careful, I have never infected my parnter.
I was never givin the chance by another whom has HSV-2. Jerk.Anywho, telling people when your about to be intimate.. it is very important..I always tell.. and most so far have excepted it.. It sux when all you can think about when your dating is the right time to tell them.. But hopefully they'll understand.If not they wernt for you in the first place.People whom have it arnt dirty ppl. some ppl are or anrnt weather they have it or not. Ppl with are just as normal as someone whom doesnt have it. "the world today" makes it seem like having herpies.. is like being with a lowlife. not true.I thank you all for your comments..Also, acyclovir is my best choice for an outbreak.. my out breaks are once a year. "seriousley". You just take it when its there.. and take it until its gone..I think Valtrek sux ass. and doesnt do anything and too expensive..
First, I would like to thank everyone for offering their point of view (positive and negative). I came to this board because I'm considering a relationship with a wonderful man who has genital HSV-1. He has told me about it upfront and, while there has been some anxiety on my part, which I think is normal, we continue to talk about it and see each other and things are moving forward. I just can not fathom passing up on a great guy because on what is, essentially, a skin condition. There are just more important things in life. He brings me roses and takes me to the opera. I mean, c'mon!
ive been with only 1 girl since 2002 because i was in prison from then until march 06.4 months after i got out i fell in love with a girl.but we dont know which one of us gave it to the other.i was only the second guy she had been with.and she was my third.ive always had cold sores.but her ex is a manager at a strip club and he cheated on her many times.when i had my first outbreak it was not very serious and i thought it was an ingrown hair or a pimple.and that was like 2 weeks after we started having sex,but then about 2months after that she had a bad outbreak and she was diagnosed.her ex says he got tested but will not bring proof of the testing.but also i dont know if he did bring the proof to her but is just not telling me.but ive stayed with her this long,im pretty sure only because we both have it.which sucks.
There is definately some real people out there. Just two days ago I finally confronted my fear of telling the man that I am in love with that I have Genital Herpes. I was somewhat prepared to be scorned and rejected however his reaction was the total opposite. He was so sincere and compassionate, he expressed his love for me and said he would be by my side regardless. I have now gain an extra love for this man and I am happy!
Thank you for writing this but I think your preaching to the saved! We need to get WAY more info to the public about his and that even people in long term reltionships can get it from their partner who hasn't ever had symptoms. Even the most cautios of people can get this virus.
It is a great article. Many people find the first time that they tell someone is the hardest. Here are some tips for talking about it before a relationship becomes intimate: http://www.stdpal.com. The most popular feature on this site is you can get free membership by recommend it to your friends.
This is a great article and I love the comments. It's good to hear from people who have it or is dating somebody who has it. I found out I had it 6 months ago. I was devastated. I do not know anybody with Herpes or at least anybody who openly tells me. So it's refreshing to hear from people who do and hear their stories. I'm still very young and since I found out I live in fear of having another outbreak or being rejected by somebody I love. I don't let it consume me though, I know I am an intelligent woman and success and happiness is not reflected on HSV. What devastates me is I contracted it not by somebody I love but by a man who forced himself on me. I also want anybody who has recently contracted or has known they have had it for a while that no matter what stigma goes along with herpes. It's not what makes you. You are still everything you were and always will be.
This is a very difficult topic for me. I feel incredibly guilty because, although I have not been formally diagnosed, I think I have had GH for some time. Before dating my current partner, I had not had sex in approximately 2 years. Recently, I noticed some troubling symptoms (sores, blisters in the genital area) and decided to seek treatment from a doctor. I am still waiting to hear about the results. Terrified.
Here's my dilemma. If I am positive for GH, what do I tell my partner? What if I gave it to him? I never wanted to do any such thing, but I was scared to mention the possibility to him before we had sex. On the other hand, it's also possible that he gave it to me. I don't really know. We've dated several times over the past few years, so who knows who got it from who. I'm scared. Everyone fears rejection. I suppose I just need to remember that if he cannot handle the truth, then he's not the one for me.
Guilt: I feel incredibly guilty because I could have gotten tested before, but didn't. If I passed this on to him, I will feel so ashamed. I'm not a bad person. I actually am a very caring person that always helps out others. I was just too scared to tell him before we had sex.
Now, his ex-wife had their child via C-section...due to "complications" as he says. I wonder if those complications were GH. I guess I would just feel so much better if I knew that we both had it and that neither of us gave it to each other. I have to tell him this weekend. I also got tested for other STDs and am currently receiving treatment. Pray for me, please. I'm so nervous.
I just wanted to share that I found out while dating "so called Mr. Right" He was supportive at the time of diagnosis...marriage proposal and all that, just to tell me a month later, I must have cheated on him! Which of course i never did...so that made me think he knew he had it and wasn't careful with me....for his own pleasure of course. I dated alot after kicking his arse to the curb and told every potential partner and not once rejected....we just used protection. Then came my real Mr. Right out of nowhere and he was the hardest to tell but the compassion this man had for something so devastating to me was just surreal. We have been married for 7 years and 2 kids later( both C secs) and it is something we never think about...unless of course I am having an episode and he is well you know, wanting a little! I just make him wait....which makes it more exciting sometimes...I don't use the I have a headache tonite...I use this! There is hope and a more than normal life for all.
This was an excellent article. I wish more people would make an effort to get the word out to people that herpes is not the plague and that far more people have it than most might think. It truly is hurtful to hear people talk about ending relationships over a disease that for me has proven to be little more than an after thought. I got diagnosed with it over a year ago after having been in a relaionship for 6-7 months. We don't know who gave it to who and at first there was resentment on both of our parts, but we did some research and found out people can have it and not know. After I got diagnosed I had another outbreak within two weeks of the first but haven't had another since. The second time I had one I had just consumed food containing Splenda. I then read about artificial sweeteners possibly causing herpes sufferers to have outbeaks and my partner and I have since cut out all artificial sweeteners and neither of us has had any signs of an outbreak since. I don't even think much about HSV anymore. Sometimes I think about how I would deal with the "herpes talk" if my partner and I were to break up. But I hope that if that ever did happen I found someone who was open minded enough to do some research and who wouldn't judge me over something that has proven so far to be such a minor part of my life.
Despite being *very* conservative about sex, I recently found I had genital herpes type one, which ultimately came from someone's mouth. At first I was devastated, but then I learned more about it and came to the following conclusions.
1) Yes, outbreaks are really painful and disgusting, but unless you have them frequently, they aren't a problem. No infertility, no shortening of your lifespan, etc. It's a weird gross thing that has almost no effect on your health, so we really need to get over it.
2) I've got type one, which is usually oral. Something like 80% of Americans have this orally. At the rate oral sex is increasing, it's going to get into people's genitals with a very large frequency. And whether you date someone who knowingly has it or not, anytime you engage in *any* sexual behavior, even mouth-to-mouth kissing, you risk contracting herpes. (Unless your partner has been tested for antibodies and found not to have them, which is like 2% of the population.)
I had someone neglect to tell me they had herpes and though I never was infected, it does now mean I'd never enter a relationship with someone who does. The "hypothetical vs real person" doesn't work after that either. STD's=no relationship. Period, soulmate or not.
Hi, my name is Penny, I am one of the people that has genital herpes. I was married to a man that did not tell me he was infected. He knew. One day there was a commercial on tv about a new drug that was supposed to surpress the disease. He looked up and announced that he was told he had it. I was shocked!. I work in the medical field so I was familiar with it. I asked him how long had he known, he said since 1995. This was 1998. I asked him why he didn't tell me before and he said , If I had told you, you wouldn't have wanted me.
So that said that he made a concious decision to ruin my life. He did not have that right. So, I stayed with him until 2006. I figured who would want me with this disease. We argued about this almost on a daily basis. I realize that we do things that we cannot change, but at least we can be decent about it. Not this one, he showed no remorse at all. So, since that time I have been celebet. I have met some new men, and when it starts getting too heavy I tell them about it and they are instantly turned off. I can't blame them. So for him he keeps his life going with other women while I am alone. It will be (2) years the 24th of this months. I am lonely, and miss the companionship, but I can't seem to establish one. Someone please talk to me about this.
Thanx
Ok folks. For those of you with negative comments about HSV-2, I will attribute it to a lack of research and perhaps ignorance. Don't you understand that its views and comments like those that makes people feel that they can't share that special part of themselves with you. If anything you need to be open-minded so people will continue to share this with you. Many don't, and its sad. Anywho, I have a couple questions that I want to ask the community. Now I've never had an outbreak in my life, the way that I found out about it was through a blood test,where the doctor told me that I was "exposed" to the virus. What the hell does that mean?????? I've asked 3 doctors and each one of them have given me a different answer. All of the conflicting information out there gives me a headeache.
Anonymous...
I have had GH for 12 years. I married the person who gave it to me. I think that this is the only reason I married him because I did not want to explain this to anyone else. I am not really happy! I resent him all of the time. I am also pregnant with my second child. I don't want the anger I have inside to cause any harm to my unborn child. We are just two different people. I think that if I did not have GH, I would have been gone a long, long, long time ago. He said he never cheated but for some reason, I don't believe him. But I do know that you can have it, and not know it for several years. I get depressed a lot. Like I am now while I am typing this. I always meet other people that I am interested in, but I know that they would probably turn their nose up at me. I just feel alone most of the time. I don't have anyone to talk to. He tries to console me, but I don't want it from him. I think that I really "hate" him for ruining my life, because he couldn't keep his pants up in his teenage years.
Penny,
You made the right decision to leave him. He took matters into his own hands to ruin your life. You had to take it back. I wish that I could give you advice on what to do! I feel your pain! Whenever I get up the nerve to leave, I will. He doesn't understand. I am not ever really happy! He always asks me "Are you in love with me?" I lie each time of course! Sometimes I want to tell him the real reason why I married him. I know it would probably break his heart but I can't help it. I really never got the chance to fall in love, I was forced to love someone because of GH. It is just good to vent and get these feelings off of my chest before I burst a blood vessel! I don't think that he knew, but how do I know for sure? That's why I don't share my medicine with him if he has an outbreak! He is to afraid to go to the doctor to get his own presecription. So, I hide my medicine! It's mean! But I like it!
Don't be mad at your husband. Forgive him becuase you can't chnage the past and anger will only destroy your beautiful heart. Forgicve him and love him even if you decide to leave him. Pray and depend on God he can deliver us from any situation that breaks our heart.
I'm in a little situation that I've been trying really hard to get up the nerve to tell the person I love soo much. A little over 10 months ago I had went to the doctor because I had a bump on my genitals and I knew I needed to go get checked, well at that same time I also found out I was pregnant, so here I am pregnant, don't know who the father of my child is "between two people" and the third person of which I know gave me herpes. As 9 months go by I was alone with all these thoughts making sure I didn't pass this to my child "valtrex" helped me by the way, and one of the possibilities of my childs father stuck by me as a friend and was there for my childs birth. I had no sexual relationship with this person (who actually is my ex and I've known him for a long time)so obviously he doesn't know and to be honest I didn't think he was my childs father even after I had her I didn't think she was his. After she was born he told me that even if she wasn't his he still wanted to be with me again and be her father, I told him I couldn't make a decision right now because I was confused about not knowing who her father was, but in reality I didn't want to face the fact that I had to tell him about my condition. He said he would do anything to win me back, and now that I know my daughter is his (of which he is now the happiest father of two children ) he wants to buy a house and well live happily ever after I guess. I'm writing this for advice because I'm an honest person and I would NEVER infect someone with what I have because that isn't fair, I didn't ask for it (well I kinda did because I wasn't careful)and no one else deserves it without knowing. someone told me not to tell him because he'll probably be there because we have a child anyways, but that to me is trapping him and I wouldn't do that. He knows how honest I am and if I break it now he'll never trust me. I know everyone is going to say "if he loves you he will understand" but when I re-inact when and how I'm going to say it to him in my head it somehow blows up in my face. I just need a little advice on how I should tell him and when I should tell him (as soon as possible I'm assuming). I honestly haven't stopped my life because of this and I've cried a couple times, but in all reality a few of my friends know and they never once turned their back on me or thought any differently of me, so I'm hoping he wont either. A little advice please.
I don't mean to make a joke out of all this, but since herpes is like, the new thing now (every other commercial is for Valtrex), and since 1/4 people have it, if you're REALLY that shy about telling somebody else about your herpes status, you should just date as many people as possible until one day, when you've been with that person for a while, he or she says to you, "Listen, I have herpes." And then of course, you just say, "Hey, I'm cool with that!" Then, once you have sex with him or her without a condom, you could just pretend that you contracted it from them and maybe one day, get married and live happily ever after.
Or of course, after he or she says, "I have herpes," you could just be like, "Me too." And it's all good anyway.
I'm in shock and trying to figure out how to deal with this "stigma". My husband and I have been married for 26 years, are best friends and truly monogamous. Thinking I had the worst case of vaginitis that would not get any better after a week, even after using everything over the counter I could use, I finally went to the doctor. Guess what the cultures grew? Type 1 herpes virus!! She suspected this when examining me because there were so many bad abrasions. When she told me, you could have knocked me over with a feather! I went home in shock and told my husband right away - he was VERY well aware of my severe pain and suffering and was very concerned. I was a virgin when we married, but he had been with several (5-6) people. After doing some research and my asking some questions the doctor sent me home with....come to find out, he had a major outbreak just after his senior year in high school, but was never diagnosed (it went away after about 2.5 weeks) and had no further bad outbreaks other than an occassional annoying spot on his penis. I never had symptoms until - POW - and I'm now a 50-year-old woman dealing with this for the 1st time!!!
I truly love my husband and I know he loves me, too, but this is such a difficult situation for me to deal with. We will get over this, but our sex lives will never be the same. I am a professional executive as is my husband - - nobody would EVER suspect that we are dealing with such a bizarre, life-changing situation. We have so much fun with our young adult kids, but are trying to figure out a way to break this to them so they don't suffer like us. In closing, I have to say thank goodness for Valtrex!
Hello, my name is Barbara and i am truly scared right now. I just had my first outbreak and i am devasted. I felt dirty, I know that i am not. I have always been so careful, i love my life!Many people who posted comments say things like "he ruined my life". That makes me sad. As horrified as i am to have that first herpes talk with a potential partner, i don't feel like my life was ruined. I am not going to die from this, I have not lost a loved one! I am still blessed with the fact that this world gives us the opportunity to change, make things better! The only thing that does not get better is death, and i am very much alive and still the same wonderful person i have always been! I'm not perfect, i cry my eyes out because i'm still saddened by it. I wish i didn't have it. It is really nice to have everyone post their thoughts here, thank you!
Hi, everyone...
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all the wonderful comments out there, the positive as well as the negative. I just found out about three months ago that I had herpes and, like many others, was devastated. I still feel like I will miss out on many great potential relationships because of the stigmas attached to having this disease. As a matter of fact, I just met someone a little while ago and we hit it off great! I was abstaining from sex until we had "the talk", but I couldn't find the courage to tell him. One day things went too far and we had sex. I felt excruciating guilty because our relationship was progressing so wonderfully, and now I HAD to tell him because he had been exposed. So, armed with fresh facts from various websites, I told him. I even had a little info for him to read. He read it, and at the time, he seemed to take it well. He asked a few questions and said he still wanted to see me. Inside I was skeptical and just told myself that he just needed some time to digest it all and he would probably feel differently. Surely enough, the next day he was upset about me not giving him the choice beforehand and betrayed that I didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him. He said he needed time to deal with this and make a decision about if he wanted to stay with me.
This was two days ago. I feel anxious and horrible. I feel like this guy could have been "the one" if I had done the ethical thing and told him way before our pants came off. Of course he still could have taken it badly if I had told him before, but now I will never know. For now, I sit in the wings...
This was an interesting article, but I have to dissagree with some of the points raised here. First, there are specific categories of people that are outlined in the article that may wish to avoid risk of contraction. Most of these are chalked up to having various neuroses. I resent this. There is at least one other category of person that would probably not engage in sex with an infected person: those simply wishing to stay disease free. That's the bottom line. Why does the author feel it neccessary to 'diagnose' people that are adverse to taking unneccesary risks with some kind of mental abnormality or misconception about the disease?
My other issue with this article is that the author suggests waiting until a person is 'emotionally invested' in you before you tell them about your infection. This is selfish and indefensible. The only motivation for this is that it would be harder for the uninfected pereson to reject you. To be frank, I for one, would not become sexually involved with someone that had an incurable STD. For me, that is simply a no brainer. However, if someone I was dating waited until I had gotten 'emotionally invested' and it was just before 'show time' to disclose something like this, not only would I break up with them, I would probably never speak to them again. That is called emotional manipulation, or social engineering, and that will burn a bridge faster than gasoline.
I recently met someone who confided with me she has herpes2. Whereas I have never shown symptoms and never been tested I have decided to get tested myself before I even consider pursuing a sexual reltionship. I know who I am and I do suffer from some mild forms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. my worries are that my OCD symptoms might overwhelm me, making my life more stressful and in turn making her life more stressful - which would then affect her health as herpes flareups share a commonality with stress. I totally respect that she shared this with me and have been open enough with her that, up until this point, she has respected me.
Has anyone ever been stigmatized at work? For instance, has an entire group of people asked you which bathroom you use at work, or handed you virucidal handiwipes when you exit the bathroom door, or start up a conversation in the break room with a coworker regarding all things herpes, then both of them ask your opinion about it. I go through this daily. Any help out there?
Yes. My wife was fired by an ignorant HR person who thought she could spread it to everyone. They had to pay us $50k for that mistake.
There seem to be a lot of misconceptions among even the "infected" here. Herpes has a huge infection rate. Conservative estimates put it at about 70% of the population. Most people carry the virus unmolested. Husbands and wives accusing each other is a bit silly. You may not ever know where you were infected. Cold sores CAN produce genital herpes should someone have oral sex with you. The virus can stay dormant for so long that even monogamous couples can find out that they have herpes. The truth is nearly everyone has some form of herpes we just stigmatize genital herpes while people with oral herpes get to call it a cold sore.
I have been married for 5 years and together for 8. After going through some rough times, I cheated. I ended up falling for another guy and had sex one time. The relationship ended as quickly as it began (He ended it)and as much as I wanted to forget it, I couldn't, I began to run to get my mind off of the situation. 3 to 4 days into running, I noticed alot of pain and of course abbraisions that I just associated with being a new runner. I have since done research and am beginning to think that I may have GH. I still need to get tested and am making an appointment. Is there any way that I could have had this before and not noticed? Is it definately from him?
Testing is not always accurate!
In 1999 I went to the doctor - frantic. As a member of the medical community I had general knowledge of STDs and was a "geek" who looked up everything in the days before my appointment - I was pretty sure I had contract HSV from my year long monogamous partner (well at least I was monogamous - I later learned he wasn't). My doctor did cultures and blood tests and came back with negative results for all STDs - he said I just had vaginist. Every year with my annual pap I got a series of STD tests just to be sure and every year they came back negative. In 2002 I started seeing a wonderful man. We discussed our sexual pasts and both had STD tests done early in the relationship. Then in 2006 (more than 3 years after our first sexual encounter) he was diagnosed with HSV - and seeing how we had only been with each other since 2002 he asked me to get tested again. I did and the results were positive - by this time I had moved and had a new doctor. This doctor asked alot more questions and drew alot more blood. He told me that I was a carrier of the virus and had been for sometime because of the anitbodies present(perhaps since 1999) and that my immune system must be strong enough to suppress outbreaks. I did not experience an outbreak until I was under the stress of planning our wedding in 2007 - and even then it was gone with a week of Valtrex. We are now happily married and expecting our first child and while my husband as an outbreak 3-4 times a year mine are less frequent even during this pregnancy. Both my husband and I will go on suppressive therapy Valtrex in the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy to reduce transmission risk to our child. I guess my point is that just because there is a negative test result doesn't mean that one partner isn't a carrier of the virus. HSV shouldn't stop people from being in a relationship that is built on honesty and trust.
I used protection all the time, but got herpes from a ex-girlfriend from oral sex when she was cheating on me. I had no idea that she was cheating on me, I don't even know how many partners she had. I found out about her other relationships from friends and family. It was my second relationship. I was terrified and cried myself to sleep in my locked room every night. I did not tell my family and tried to get sympathy from my ex-girlfriend about what happened. She denied that she did anything wrong. I wish I knew that she was promiscuous before having sex with her. 3 years wasted down the tube. I felt duped and angry.
2 years later I met this girl that I really liked and we started dating. I finally decided to tell her that I have genital herpes. I cried telling her and hoped that she understood. She did some research and told me the next day that she wanted to stay in the relationship and was ok being with me. 3 years later we broke up because of other reasons. She never got genital herpes because we used protection all the time. Now I am single again and thinking about doing it again or just might stay single and take care of my family.
I went to many different doctors many times and it seems that they don't know much about the disease. They test me for everything, but had no idea about the other symptoms involved with the disease.
So people out there. DON'T HAVE SEX. Think about your future. I don't care how attractive the person is or how many people are having sex around you. It is very difficult to tell if someone is cheating on you or has a disease. It is your body and you need to take care of it. I seriously think that this is the only way to stay clear of any disease.
To people that already have it I understand how you feel, I've had it for nearly 9 years and not a day goes by where I regret my mistake. But guess what? It could be worse. I lived and survived, so people out there making wise cracks about the disease and laugh about it like the movie "John tucker must die" that only sets a new low for shallow people to feed on to bully us victims. So please don't let people bully you about the disease or judge you. It is your life and you deserve to be happy. Remember that.
In the meantime there is a vaccine that is coming out soon from herpevac and some other pharmaceutical companies that might provide a way to stop the spread of the virus and possibly a cure for people like us. So there can only be good news coming. Thank you for reading.
Like Anonymous, December 13, I wonder if I've have GH for a while without being diagnosed. Does anyone have insight on this?
I'm seeing someone who loves me so much who has recently developed some symptoms. In the past and every now and then, I've had some vaginal itching, but that's it. I didn't think much of it, because I've never had sores or visible blisters. I worry about this a lot, for him and for me. I got a blood test today and am nervous to get the results. I told him I was going to have the test so I've been honest as I can be, but I feel like it's too little, too late.
@Mark: "My other issue with this article is that the author suggests waiting until a person is 'emotionally invested' in you before you tell them about your infection. This is selfish and indefensible. The only motivation for this is that it would be harder for the uninfected pereson to reject you."
Wrong. An obvious motivation is that the person does not want to reveal intimate and embarrassing personal information to someone who he/she only knows casually. Clearly you have only thought about this from your comfy narrow perspective.
Hi, I have a question and I can't seem to find an answer.
My mother's boyfriend's daughter has herpes. I wasn't even aware of this until many months after we moved in with him.
My question is, I used the same bathroom as her, and a few months ago I started getting swollen lymph nodes "down there" and now I have a little bump that is kind of painful. I looked up my symptoms and I kept pulling up genital herpes. I have no sexual history, oral or intercouse, and I'm wondering if herpes can somehow be transferred by one person's repeated contact with the virus say via using the same toilet as someone who's infected. I'm just wondering if I need to see a doctor. Any help is so much appreciated. Thank you.
ubsI have got Type II and have been dating this wonderful and amazing man for nearly 4 years.
Initially we took alot of precautions, until later he decided he does not need to wear protection anymore. He knows the risk and is prepared to get the virus from me anytime..
However, I came to believe if he were to get it from me one day, he will still be devastated and I will be guilty for the rest of my life..
I really hope that someone come up with some herpes vaccine soon enough to stop this damn thing from spreading around..
@ Mark.
Hi Mark. I was wondering after reading your comment: " To be frank, I for one, would not become sexually involved with someone that had an incurable STD. For me, that is simply a no brainer."
When you start dating is it first thing you ask? "Do you have an incurable STD? Because, you know, I like you very much but not enough to date you if you have GH...". Well, also you need to know if they have outbreaks of cold sores because those can become genital sores as well. "How often do you get a cold sore?" Well 90 % of population have HSV-1...
And if your friend had a cervical cancer do you know why? May be she had HPV which is also a STD. But it's less symptomatic and therefore less stigmatized!
Mark, people like you make the stigma about STD's continue to live...
Hi,
I'm a Gay man and five years ago my partner then, gave me oral sex, I did had a brakeout at the time but he didn't care, can he still get herpies after 5 years? so far he hasn't
To answer Anonymous above, your question is a little vague. He either contracted herpes from you or he didn't. Having the virus is not the same as having outbreaks. It is very possible that he has herpes and never has had an outbreak, and yes, it is possible to have an outbreak after 5 years of no symptoms. It sounds like you are basing his having the disease or not on whether he has any visible symptoms, which is completely unreliable. I never have had symptoms in my life that I know of, and only found out when I got randomly blood tested. I still don't know who I got it from. If your ex has not been tested, tell him he should, and make sure it is a type-specific blood test. He could be contagious even if there are no symptoms.
A question to throw out there: there is a lot of discussion on the ethics of telling someone you have herpes before having sex, which I completely agree with. Does anyone tell their partners before kissing though? I know it is highly unlikely to pass Type 2 this way, but it is possible. Do you think there is an ethical responsibility there?
Its interesting how all the research that I've done on this issue has the infected parties or sympathetic parties acting as if everyone who has herpes is a victim and they are really nice sweet people. I think that thought process is misleading and creates an environment of denial. Yes, its wrong to dehumanize someone with this issue and we should be understanding and recognize that there is no shame to have it. WE all deserve respect and dignity. That said...let's keep it real. Most people get herpes from having sex with people they don't really know meaning from being promiscous. As the saying goes.."You pays your money, you takes your chance and you gets what you get." I have a female friend who had unprotected sex with 7 guys in 3 months all of whom she met within those 3 months. Now she has herpes. She's not a victim. She's a ho. Parden my french. and I'm not being sexist here. My male friend that has it, is even worse in the numbers department. So why should I sympathize with someone who is paying the price for stupid,selfish, immature behavior? Yes, there are some who get it from their significant others or upon losing their virginity but those are the exceptions rather than the rule. I have another friend (female) who has 4 childern with 3 fathers, has been pregnant 7times (she has since had a hysterecomy top prevent more pregnancies) and later contracted herpes, yet...she has never and still doesn't use comdoms. At least she is responsible enough to inform potential lovers that she is infected. She educates them, makes them feel more comfortable about it, quotes the popular "1 in 5 people have it, you probably have slept with someone who's had it and not gotten it or odds are you have it and don't know it. And I'm very careful not to infect anyone." So these idiots sleep with her with out a condom. the odds are that some of these guys have contracted the disease and are actively passing it along to those "vitims" who are the exception rather than the rule. This wouldn't happen if everybody kept it real. Herpes is NOT good. you DON'T want it. It's a PAIN in the butt to deal with. Your life is NOT normal. And yes it is more than likely the result of being a ho. I know this sounds angry but I'm just keeping it real. It's not life threatening but it IS life- ALTERING. Yes you can live a "normal" life and enjoy the things you have always enjoyed but not a typical one. Its not normal to have to constantly worry about whether or not you are passing something on to your partner. Its not normal to have to limit when you can be initmate due to an outbreak. Its not normal to have to take medications regularly to treat a condition. Its not normal to have to have "that" conversation with every potential mate. It not normal to risk having to endure being ridiculed, demonized,judged and cast out of social circles due to fear and ignorance or your condition. Its not normal to live in shame or fear of embarrasing exposure again due to other's ignorance. If you could catch say...asthma or diebetes or eczema from someone would you volunteer to put yourself at risk when you could just as easily date someone who probably wouldn't pass those things to you? I doubt it. Why? Because you don't want these things in your life. You could live a "normal" life with those if you took care of yourself and stayed on top of your medication just like you would if you had herpes. So what's the difference? The difference is with herpes..the infected usually had a choice unlike people with the above mentioned maladies (remember, catching herpes is 100% preventable) and if you are presented with the option of dating someone with herpes, you have a choice. All these sites seem to vilify and demonize people for choosing to look for another fish in the pond rather than sympathizing and making excuses and concessions for the fish with an issue. If you meet someone with herpes and they seem to be your soulmate then hey, I'm all for you going for it. I would, but it would be a really serious but non-sexual situation leading to sex only AFTER marriage. But the bar would be much higher. Otherwise....I'd rather not and explore other options. That's the honest truth and I don't think I should be pegged as self-rightous or as some kind of insensitve "phobe". There is nothing wrong with a person who has herpes and there is nothing wrong with choosing not to date one either. People with herpes have a harder way to go on the dating scene. That's life, sometimes it ain't easy but it is what it is.
Dose any one know how to avoid transmitting herpes to your child after birth and even other members the house hold that you are not having a sexual relationship with?
I need to vent. I HATE HAVING HERPES,IT SUCKS. I HATE IT. I FEEL LIKE I MAY BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I FEEL I HAVE TO SETTLE FOR LESS IF SOMEONE DECIDES TO BE WITH ME. I HAVE A YOUNG CHILD, AND I AM AFRAID THAT ONE DAY I WILL GIVE IT TO HER. I FEEL LIKE I AM GROSS AND I HAVE GERMS. I DONT WAN TO MESS UP HER LIFE. I HATE THIS
Most of the comments here I can relate to, and I agree with. However, I do take offense to the person who said anyone with herpes is probably a "ho". News flash: I was in a solid 2.5 year relationship with someone who had fever blisters. He used to tease me about giving his herpes to me, and guess what? He did. Nope, not funny at all. That was 10 years ago. But I think what the other person said about that being a reason for not dating someone is how I feel. I recently met someone who I was not initially interested in. But the more he pursued, the more interesting he became, and it turned my thinking around. Suddenly, I liked this man. I told him my situation before anything transpired, and he seemed ok with it. However, several days later he talked with a few of his ob friends, and read a few articles, which by the way, have a tendency to overstate, and that afternoon I received a "Dear Joan" email. He just couldn't get past the stigma, nor the potential of something happening to him. I am of the firm belief, like Terri, there are many other reasons to not date someone. This shouldn't be. I am healthy, I use Valtrex as a prophylactic, and haven't had an outbreak in years! But he wigged, and that was the end of that. For all of you who are scared of this, don't be. There are many other things in life to be worried about rather than something that is harmless, can't kill you, and can be controlled and treated with meds. This was actually the first time I have ever been shunned by someone, and it is not a pleasant experience. He obviously didn't think my good qualities were worth the risk. And at 54 I doubt he is going to find anyone out there that he feels is! Yes, it is not fun, but it isn't the end of the world either. You take a risk everyday just being alive. You take a risk on a boat, plane, train, or simply driving in your car. Life is a risk. But it is knowing which risks are worth it, and which ones aren't. I think the person is much more important than the virus...especially when it is so vague, and so far down the list of things to worry about. And I do believe that there is a difference between a hypothetical person and a real person! Each situation is different and you have to weigh them individually. But for the most part, this "disease" simply isn't a reason to blow someone off, especially if you see the potential of a great relationship!
Addendum to my message above: I have spoken with 2 men about the situation I mentioned, one of whom I have dated a few times. Both of them said the same thing - yes, it is unfortunate that I have it, but it doesn't define who I am. It is just a part of me, and it is not a big deal and it isn't a deal breaker!
As Terri said, "do you think it is in one's best interest to chose or not chose a life partner based on whether they have a virus on their genitals that can be well controlled with medicine and causes infrequent symptoms that can also be successfully and easily treated? Are there not more important qualities for a partner to have or not have that will sustain a relationship over time? I think the answer is quite clear. The trick is having people think it through carefully and being brave and sensing what is truly important in a partner.
You won't give this to your child if you are careful. Don't kiss her/him if you have a cold sore. Make sure you wash your hands and clean them very well.
Also, for those of you who feel that people with the disease are nasty, you are just ignorant. I don't think that anyone raised their hands and asked for it. It is something that happened. I try not to think about it, but it is hard not to. It is also hard to look at the person who gave it to you, and not have some type of hate in your heart towards them. My mother never talked to me about sex, let alone the risks. I blame her partially for not warning me about the different diseases and what I should look for(she has worked in the hospital for 30 years). I have two daughters and you best believe that they will know everything they will need to know about sex. Hopefully, I can save them from the pain that I feel everyday. I will be open with them about my situation when I think that they are old enough to handle it. I want to let them enjoy life, and not be sad and depressed like I am.
Hello, I am a 23 year old male, and I have been having some serious problems as of late. My penis is swollen about 3 times its size, and is a bright grapefruit colored red. puss has been constantly leaking out of the hole, and there is a flock of sores surrounding my entire genital area. They are slowly starting to work there way towards my rear. I do not know what to do, I cannot afford to go to the doctor and i need help very badly. If anyone has any ideas on what I can do to end this, please tell me. I will be checking back everyday for the next few weeks. Thank you.
I just found out that I have HSV1 and 2. It came to a complete shock to me since I have never had any symptoms. Now I feel that my life it completely different. I am scared to get in a relationship with someone because of it. Once when I met someone I looked forward to the possibility of being in a relationship. Now all that is gone. I met this guy through a mutual friend and I am scared to pursue anything more in fear that I have to tell him and he will reject me. I am more scared that he will tell the friend. I see all these stories of how someone they began to date accepted them having this disease. However, be realistic there are more times people get rejected for having this disease more then anything else and that is my fear. Honestly all hope that I once had of meeting someone and getting married are all gone.
I JUST FOUND OUT SEVERAL DAYS AGO THAT I HAVE TYPE 2 HSV. OF COURSE I WAS DEVASTATED, AND IMMEDIATELY BEGAN TO QUESTION MY PARTNER. HE IMMEDIATELY GOT TESTED AND WAS NEGATIVE. I WAS FURIOUS BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I COULD BE INFECTED AND HE NOT HAVE IT. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 15 YEARS. I JUST COULD NOT UNDERSTAND HIS RESULTS BEING. LATER I LEARNED OF AN ANTI-BODY TEST THE 1gG TEST. THIS TEST WILL ANSWER THE QUESTION. IF YOUR POSITIVE (GREATER THAN 3.5) THEN THE INFECTION IS OLD. IF YOU HAVE A POSITIVE TEST FROM A LESION FOR HSV2 AND YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE HSV2 LgG ANTI-BODY TEST YOU HAVE A NEW INFECTION. THIS INFORMATION CAN ANSWER MANY QUESTIONS. HOPE THIS HELPS.
I think it's unfair to assume people who are educated about herpes and still consider it a dealbreaker are insensitive and not capable of deep love. I am not saying it's not logical to date someone with herpes - far from it - I am just saying that chosing to end a relationship due to herpes is not necessarily stupid.
Someone said that couples with issues rarely list herpes as a top problem. True - at the same time marrying someone with herpes does not mean your marriage will be any stronger either. Marrying someone with herpes does not mean you will not have money or family problems. It means that in addition to having money and family problems, you will have herpes. The incremental herpes factor is neutral to negative.
There are few guarantees in life. If you marry someone with herpes, I will guarantee you that the odds of your spouse leaving you are MUCH higher than the odds of herpes leaving you. Also, there are plenty of great people without herpes. Yes, you could marry someone without herpes who later gets cancer. But you could also marry someone with herpes who gets cancer.
I think one should base a relationship on what will result in maximum long term happiness. Usually herpes will not affect long term happiness in a major way. At the same time, let's not demonize people who avoid herpes.
It's not medically serious, but it is bothersome for a subset of people. There would be no stigma if there were not a subset of people who are very bothered by it. Yes, 2/3 of people are without symptoms, but you never know which camp you'll fall into.
So say 25-33% of people with herpes have outbreaks. Of those, antiviral medications make it mild for most. Also, the odds of contracting it are low in any year if you were a condom and if the infected partner takes antiviral medication.
I would be ok contracting herpes if I was going to marry my partner and we were a great match. Admittedly the bar is higher since the risk is higher - I may have outbreaks and if we get divorced, the herpes might not hurt my chances but it won't help my chances of finding a new mate.
I don't think less of someone with herpes and I don't judge.
Dear friends,
Do not be afraid that herpes will ruin your chances of marriage. Yes, it is a dealbreaker for some and they are entitled to that right. At the same time let's consider the math - 20% of the adult population has it. I live in New York City - here 25% of the population has it and 33% of the women in New York City have it. These people are obviously finding mates and getting married. Again, it's NOT medically serious usually. A girl told me she has herpes and I am a hypochondriac - I continued to date her. I don't think less of her. I don't have herpes but I have other imperfections like all of us. DO NOT let this affect your confidence. It's not like 25% of the US adult population walks around being depressed by it. It's a skin irritation.
I met a woman I truly loved but I did end the relationship due to her having herpes. Some say "How could you have really loved her if you left because of that?" I guess I would say that I know I loved her but I could not knowingly and intentionally contract it. If I get herpes, it does not lessen her burden - she still has it. I loved her very much and would have given my kidney to her had she needed it. But to contract something willingly which does not ease her discomfort - I just was not willing to do that.
[From the blog above] "Do you think it is in one's best interest to chose or not chose a life partner based on whether they have a virus on their genitals that can be well controlled with medicine and causes infrequent symptoms that can also be successfully and easily treated?"
Well, in short, yes. At this point in my life I have not engaged in sexual activity with anybody. I would not knowingly choose to do so with a partner who had genital herpes. Of course, the person may not know, etc, etc, but if I was told beforehand it would be a dealbreaker for me. Period.
I know it sounds cruel, but just because a disease can be managed with medication doesn't mean I want to risk getting it. What happens if I don't have health insurance? Even with it medication can be expensive. Why would I want to knowingly expose myself to a life-altering, chronic disease? I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings, but by gods my physical health ranks up higher than their emotional needs.
I was diagnosed with genital herpes this past spring. I received it from my 2nd and last sexual partner. He did not receive it from another sexual partner, he was born with it because his mother before him had it too. He always had type 1 that only gave him outbreaks on his lips. When he had an occasional outbreak on his lips, we would avoid anything sexual, especially kissing. But once, when he was unaware his skin was shedding and he had NO symptoms of an outbreak, we had oral sex and he gave me herpes, but now it has become an STD. Unfortunately, within a few days, we had intercourse and I gave him genital herpes in return. We both felt that there was something wrong "down below" and we went to the doctors together. She gave us the news and it was really tough. I mean, he was my 2nd sexual partner and my boyfriend of 4 months. He didn't get it from a tramp or because he was promiscuous, he was given an awful fate from birth and accidently gave it to me. No amount of condoms would have prevented that. Living with it isn't too bad, its extremely treatable and forgettable at sometimes. But since then, a few months after a relationship, my boyfriend and I broke up, and Im terrified I will never have sex again because of what I have now. Yes, I have a disease, but I'm not broken and hate to be seen as a diseased girl. I'm young (midway through college) and am scared of what this will do to dating again, let alone having children again. If anything, this just makes me have to be that much more careful who I let into my heart and into my bed, because not everyone can understand or be alright with my condition.
Thank you so much for your article, Terri.
I have had herpes 2 for more than 24 years. I am a classy woman with a rich full life full of friends and two children who do not have it. I married the man who didn't tell me he had it until after we were sexual. I got it when I was pregnant with our first child because a condom did not protect me during his outbreak. We are divorced now and I am dating to find a companion for a long term relationship. I met someone and I disclosed before even oral sex. He didn't tell me he already had it until later. When that relationship ended after 18 months, I met someone else. Again I disclosed before sex. We had unprotected sex a couple times until he couldn't handle it--he suffers more with his obsessive compulsive disorder than I do with my herpes. The relationship is over and rejection stings. I now talk about herpes in conversation with friends and co-workers and have discovered there are many who share this "secret" and you would never guess! Some are in relationships that after 20 years have never passed it to their partner. Valtrex does reduce the shedding and the outbreaks, but they selfishly mislead the public in order to promote sales of their drug. But mostly I'm weary from those who deny herpes 1 or 2 on their mouth by insisting "its only a cold sore" or "its only a fever blister." I wouldn't let anyone kiss my kids because I knew the real truth. And another real truth is that soap and water kills the virus. After 24 years I have never transferred it anywhere else on my body even after touching the open sore. My outbreaks have lessened to two in the last several years. I have herpes 2. Its minor in the scheme of life. It doesn't disable me like the loss of a limb or diabetes or an uneducated mind.
48 y/o, never been with anyone other than my husband in over 18 years. Never shown ANY sort of infection/irritation until now. Had a hugs infection, cellulitis, swollen glands, etc., in the genital area. I thought just a ingrown hair that got infected?? Went for culture of infection and blood tests. Wound infection was negative for Herpes but grew two different bacteria. Blood tests showed negative for HSV-1 but POSITIVE for HSV-2! I about died. So, do I have herpes or not?? Could I have come into contact with it in the 1980's and had it lie dormant over 18 years?? I know that I've read I could be having outbreaks without knowing it, but really - 18 years + ?? Also, how have I not given it to my husband yet?? We've been married almost 10 years! So many questions, and so many VAGUE answers. This is horrible.
Glad to hear so many perspectives from people I just found out my boyfriend has herpes. He was open and honest. Didn't know he had it and as soon as something showed he went to the doctor immediately and got tested, then told me the results. He said he would understand if I left him and feels terrible, but I don't want to leave him. We love each other and we'll deal with this together, but we know our lives will change, and I have alot of questions. I'm not even saying he didn't get it from me, though I have never shown signs and never thought of having it, but now I need to get tested as well. I almost hope I have it too...it will seem easier to deal with it, because if we've both got it we don't have to worry about him infecting me. I'm now contemplating if we should continue unprotected sex and take our chances. We're sure we are committed to each other and will get married some day. Once you have it, you can't get it worst..can you?
I'm 32yrs old and found out I had HSV2 last week. I was and still am devastated! Especially since I have ALWAYS been a strong believer in condoms (even though I'm slightly allergic to them) and I have an idea of who may have given it to me (I get tested for STD's every year). Right now I feel like a "dirty" looser that knew better, but got "caught up" in the moment way to easily. I've sworn off sex - I don't even want to be touched right now, and this person (who is also my best friend) is begining to notice that something is wrong. I feel tainted, like a walking pile of disease and infection! I'm so disgusted and disappointed with myself, sex or a relationship is the last thing on my mind. How do I tell him this?? Don't know how he'll react. (sigh) Sometimes I want to ask for another blood test just to be sure.
Right now I'm going through the phase I guess all of you may have gone through - denial/borderline OCD. I'm washing hands more often and before I touch my face, changing underwear continously, checking for sores, increasing vitamin/suppliment intake, trying to remain stress free (that one is not working!). I've read everyone's comments - positive and negative - and I know life will go on, but right now I truely feel like a crappy, crappy person.
Dear August 23 and August 30 posts,
Why are you even looking at this site? Nothing else to do but punish people who are already suffering? Thank you so much.
Some of us who are infected were infected by people we loved, and trusted. Thank you for making us feel even worse.
I have a news flash for you--there are worse things that can happen to you than herpes. I pray no one ever abandons you in a difficult hour. Life is short, and real love is a hard to find.
My older sister just went to the doctor today for what she thought was a UTI. Her doctor told her she has 4 "sores" and that she's 95% positive it's herpes, of course without the results back we dont know if it's type 1 or 2. She made me drive home because she was so upset and the whole way I tried to assure her that she was not dirty and that it was fairly common and treatable. I know she can't get rid of it but she can deal with it.
She most likely contracted it from an ex who cheated on her many times. I know she isn't the type that "sleeps around" but that doesn't stop her from feeling dirty.
She's now engaged to a wonderful man and they're expecting a child in April. I'm sure they're discussing it now and she told me she'd let me know how he took the news. She's just so devastated and it breaks my heart. I dont know what to say to make her feel better, or if there is anything I can say at all.
I've never even thought what'd I'd do if faced with the decision to stay with someone infected with herpes. But after finding out my sister is infected, and reading many of the statements posted here I think that love conqures all. I can't say for sure until I'm actually face to face with the decision, if I ever am. It's a toughie for sure.
My question at the moment lies solely with consoling my sister. How do I make her feel better? I was the first person she told and I know that nothing I said helped in any way. Seeing her crying and so upset was truely one of the most devastating things I've ever witnessed. Those of you who only have nasty comments about people infected should take a long hard look in the mirror, I personally don't think you'd like the person staring back at you. For all you know 2-3 people you come in contact with every day could have the disease. It's not fair for you to judge them based on something they have no control over. Think about it.
I'm sorry about your sister. Please post your question for Terri Warren on the Genital Herpes message board.
Hi everyone! I want to say Thank you so much to the original blogger! I was diagnosed with GH, yesterday. While my mind is still swirling and I'm shocked about this....I'm still dealing with the outbreak and wondering if anyone can offer me any advice. At this point, that would be most helpful and when I'm thru this first hurdle, I'll begin dealing with the rest.
I had been dating someone for the past 4 months. I was exclusive to him, but well..who knows if I could say the same for him. I asked him from the beginning if he had been tested (because I have-at least once a year) and know I'm clean. (or at least was...) and he swore up and down he's never had an STD. Which I find out now actually translates to "I've never had any signs or a straight up outbreak"! We were together for the last time about a week and 1/2 ago and within 4 days, I started displaying symptoms...sores in my genital area, the feeling of a UTI and just general malaise including an awful head cold. When I couldn't take the pain anymore I got into my OB/GYN ASAP and she gave me one look and confirmed my fears. I'll have all the rest of my results back on the 18th.
In the meantime I've taken 4 of the Valtrex pills....I'm hoping someone can help answer some questions for me. How long does an outbreak or at least the initial one usually last?
Can bathing rather than showering actually spread the herpes thru the water to other parts of my body?
Is it normal to have an "odor" down there?
And as rediculus as it sounds, is it normal to have trouble just sitting on the toilet to have a BM? I can't quite figure out if it's the strain or just the idea of having to wipe?
I'm sorry if this all sounds strange, I'm just wondering if anyone's had any of the same symptoms or if I"m just one of the lucky ones? Thank you in advance to anyone who can offer any advice and again ty for posting this blog! I honestly wouldn't know where else to go....
Hi! my boyfriend of 2 months just broke up with me. he wrote it threw a letter. he said he could never live with him self if he got herpes from me. and he said that there is no future for us because of it. In his heart i know he really loves me but doesn't know anything about herpes. what should i do? i really like him alot we have a lot in common and we were planning on moving to tenn in april but bc of me telling him he wrote me a letter and ended the relationship. can someone give me any ideas. im so lost with out him and i dont want to loose him either. thank you!
I was recently found out that i havd Herpes. I was devestated, I didn't know what to believe. I thought why me? I was angery and hated the person that gave me this virus. I didn't understand how someone who claimed they love me, hurt me this way. I couldn't be with this person anymore, because I felt betrayed. I was so angery! I recently told my son father that I have herpes, and I was expecting the worst reaction. I was scared to tell him, because I was afriad we wouldn't want to be with me anymore, but to my surprise...he told me he did and that his feelings for me didn't change at all. I told this man, because I live him, and I couldn't imagine hurting him...the this other man did to me. I don't like the fact that I contracted this virus, but I am learning to live with it today.
I took the advise everyone has given to me. I read the handbook. It answered so many questions. I hope that anyone else that is starting out this process of discovery will also read it. I can't say that all is o.k. now. What I can say is that with information and learning I am feeling more in control. So, yes I have hsv2. Yes. I am going to have times when I am uncomfortable. Times when I feel dirty. Mental anxiety is hard to overcome. However, keeping it in my head and not being able to do anything about it was the torment. There are other things in life that could cause me more anxiety. I could have be injured or have a medical condition that keeps me from my work and family. So many "it could be worse" scenarios. I have to appreciate who I am. Who I have in my life. My situation in life.
For my situation, I have a very loving partner. He is supportive. He is willing to listen and has the attitude that whatever comes our way, we will handle it together. I have the worries about what will happen if we should not stay together. That is a fact in everyone's lives, not just mine. We both have added risk and responsability. If he had said pack your bags and get out or been acusatory, I would have been even more crushed.
What I am trying to say is, this situation has made me more appreciative of everything and everyone in my life. This includes places like this one to come and share, learn and support each other. I am still working on the healing part of my outbreak. I know I will have days when I am down. I've made a decision for myself, not to hang onto the worries and anger of how did I get this and why did he have to give it to me? I am going to concern myself with How do I treat myself?, How can I reduce risk in the future? I am asking my self What do I need to know?
I know I need to be more educated on this topic and many others.. Everyday brings a new experience and opportunity. I have to make the best it can be. And, for those times that it is not pleasant, make it a time for me. A time for accepting the support and love that I am fortunate to have.
I am blessed. I am loved. I am actively learning. At this point, I can't change what I have. I can only work on changing my mental attitude and continue to keep informed and now maybe be of encouragement to someone else who may need it. Life is tough but so am I. :grin:
if anyone out there can tell me what can you do if you were given herpes
Well....I have herpes as well. I wasn't told either. It 'popped' up six months after I began my relationship with my girlfriend at the time. We didn't sleep around. Including each other, I had been with two people, and she the same. Relationships. We had outbreaks at the same time. We were shocked. I cried. She didn't know what it was. It changed things for us. Sex became very difficult. And so was talking about it. We didn't know who 'gave' it to the other. It doesn't matter. However, I have a friend who told me that they had a partner that withheld informing them that they had HIV.....now that's cause for breaking someone's neck! However, this too goes to show how broken someone can feel, and how rejected they can feel due to an STD. The outbreaks lessen with time, its been nearly 8 years, and I have a minor outbreak, MAYBE once or twice a year. It was EXTREMELY difficult to deal with, alone. You feel dirty, damaged, unloveable....however, thats the farthest thing from the truth! I met a great person, and opened up to them about everythikng in my life, and I will never forget how loved I felt, when they pressed in harder to me, and didn't cast me aside, but instead loved me that much more! Life is hard people....we are called to love each other. Look inside a person, and love them for who they truly are!
I'm a 25 year old female who has had herpes for 7 years. I have had a few relationships where my partners struggled with the idea of being intimate with me at first, but it didnt take them long to come around. I am now in a new relationship, one where I find myself falling much harder for him than any other. However, he doesn't know if he will ever be ok with what I have. He is extremely good to me, and we have a great relationship without sex. We have been dating for several months and see each other almost every day. But I have no idea if he will ever come around. The longer I am with him, the harder it would be if he decides he can't accept it. How long do you stay with someone that you truly care about when they are still deciding whether or not they can ever be ok with the fact that you have herpes?
If you have a comment about this blog post, you are in the right place. However, if you have a question for Terri Warren, please visit the Genital Herpes message board.
People have mentioned that they have been diagosed by blood test, having the anti-body, no obvious outbreaks. They have no idea when they initially got infected... MY doctor told ME,(the above holds true for me) that I have been exposed at one point in my life. I am NOT a carrier... and DO not have to tell people I have HPV2 because I have built up an immunity to it. Like getting a mumps shot or flu shot he said... now I have an immunity to it, which in turn makes me unlikely to actually GET the disease itself and be a carrier. Are there any professional people out there with THE REAL ANSWERS on this subject? Not just a bunch of wanna-bes either, I mean SOMEONE that actually knows the truth. I don't want to pass it on to anyone, obviously. Personally, I feel I should bare the burden and tell people I have it, despite what my DOCTOR told me. Can I really be immune? Not transfer it to anyone? is there a shot in the works?
Terri Warren is a clinician and a researcher who is at the top of her field. If you have questions about herpes, please post them on her Genital Herpes message board.
I'm now 51 and at University I watched many people engaging in high risk sexual behaviour and I felt nervous for them - I just don't believe people get away with that sort of behaviour and sadly, it's women who suffer the most...
I saw Uni friends with herpes and other STD's...
I was never tempted to join their "fun" group.
Of course, women often forgot...their partner's past sexual behaviour can take them from no risk to high risk.
One of my friend's was a virgin when she met and married a man who had been very promiscuous - lots of one-night stands, unprotected sex and he used prostitutes here and in Asia - she's spent her life having all sorts of gynaecological problems and it's taken it's toll on her mental as well as her physical health.
You really need to look at your partner's past sexual behaviour.
I was also, a virgin, and feel in love with a very shy scientist (also, a virgin)...probably a bit sad considering we were early 20's....
I'm so grateful....
I've had no gynaecological problems in my life and cervical cancer is not something I need to worry about at all....(confirmed by my Dr) Why? I've never been exposed to HPV....
She gave me an interesting article on couples who were virgins in mutually monogamous relationships - no cervical cancer....we're a small, but very lucky group.
We were not religious, just painfully shy with the opposite sex and its paid off in a big way!
So, when I hear that another friend or colleague is having another colposcopy, I quietly thank that shy boy and girl that were the odd ones out on campus...
It has spared me a lot of unpleasantness and anguish in my life.
I really believe women need to protect themselves...at the very least, insist that any new partner is checked for STD's and use a condom until you're sure all is well...
I know many of my old Uni friends would do just that, if they had there time all over again....
In american society people are misguided.
They don't believe in dating to figure a persons real way of living.
People fear that if they don't have sex the person will leave. So, what if they can't be your friend for a long time and be monogomous even with themselves then don't touch them.
You may as well find the dirties homeless man in a doorway and take him/her home for sex.
Just because someone is educated, clean, has a home does not mean they don't carry disease.
If a person leaves because you are picky about their sexual activity, don't be bitter.. RECONSIDER! Let untrustworthy sociopathic humans move right along and get out of your way.. Don't become a societal statistic for anyone..
I just wanted to add...
I'm certainly not suggesting that people with STD's are all promiscuous, not at all...
My Dr told me that even if a couple both had only one other sexual partner each - it's the sexual behaviour of the other partners that then becomes relevant...and so on...did your past partner's have other sexual partner's and so on...
You can imagine how complicated that gets when people are in their 30's or older...
So, it's not always easy to assess the risk...
You can be infected, even when you're VERY careful...like my friend who was a virgin until she was 23....
Good luck to all of you...
I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to leave a comment like this, but...yesterday after I got out of the shower, I noticed A LOT of red, burning bumps on the upper part of my thighs to my underwear line. Everything inbetween that area is fine...not tender, no bumps, just normal. The bumps are not very noticeable, but you can definitely feel them when you run your hand across and it's gross. I'm just wondering..how I got them? What they are? How do I got rid of them? I don't know if they're a sexually transmitted disease...I had sex with a guy I'm dating for the first time Saturday night and I got the bumps Monday night...is that connected? Does this sound like a sexually transmitted disease?
And, if I'm not supposed to leave this comment here, where do I put it?
I have dealt with outbreaks for several years. I usually pay close attention to my diet because I suffer from migrains as well. I have noticed that when I eat alot of cheese I will have a breakout. Some pizzas, will cause it or cheeseballs and crackers,and choclate. Also, I can tell when an outbreak is coming because I get very fatiqued and suffer with body pain usually starting in my neck or lower back (I am way past menopause). I up my lysine when these symptoms appear. I was just curious if others had noticed reactions to certain foods or "know what's coming"? Thanks
Thank you for posting this - it's important for folks to become more aware of what herpes is actually about.
I was recently diagnosed with genital herpes - a huge shock. I have only been with two people - my ex-husband, who was a virgin when we married (same went for me), and my current partner, who counts me as his only sexual partner. I was so confused, and terribly upset - but my doctor confirmed my worst fears. However, he pointed out a deeply important fact:
You can contract herpes from oral sex.
In other words, although my boyfriend showed up with negative results for HSV-2, his oral herpes transmitted genitally to me. Before this happened, I never knew such a thing was possible. I sure as hell got an education, and quickly.
Although the initial outbreak was alarming to say the least, the hardest part, I find, is dealing with an uninformed - borderline willfully ignorant - public. There is still such a stigma attached to HSV - that only promiscuous people can contract it, that it's the result of stupid decisions, etc. People joke cruelly about it, and pass judgment. I never noticed this until my diagnosis... and I swear, suddenly it seems to be everywhere.
Fortunately for me, my boyfriend has been very supportive, and never judged or mistrusted me throughout this situation. Nor do I blame or judge him - this was an unfortunate occurrence in a monogamous, loving relationship.
I hope someday to be able to reach out in some way to others who suffer from this disease - it's not an easy burden to bear, symptomatically along with the stigma. The public requires knowledge, and I want to be a part of that.
Again, thanks.
Regarding Anonymous (Feb. 9, 7:48):
Trust me - HSV has NOTHING to do with virginity. As I just commented in reference to my experience, HSV can be contracted via oral-to-genital contact. My boyfriend was a virgin when we first became sexual - in fact, he has been tested for HSV (in response to my symptoms), and is not infected. It was the oral-to-genital contact that transmitted his HSV-1 to me, with a resultant genital manifestation. I was never part of a "fun" group, as you mention - I was a virgin when I married at 28 years of age.
Trust me from experience. Virginity has nothing at all to do with it.
Being diagnosed with HSV-2 i come to the conclusion that Our generation is just not educated enough about this matter. There are far way to many things to worry about. Yes, this is your health yes it may be a little uncomfortable but it can be maintained. Dealing with relationships..relationships should be about love and companionship. Everyone will get diagnosed with something one day. What will yours Be? How would you feel if you were looked down upon for a wrong decission you made. We all make a couple of terrible ones in our lifetime. Remember this body we are in will die one day, don't sacrifice love becomes someone has something take proper precautions. That's all. God Bless always!
thought i'd share my experience for the sake of getting it out there. I'm 23, I've been diagnosed with genital herpes (although which type was not tested). My skin symptoms were very mild but I ached for about a month. I had unprotected sex with a girl I live with and showed symptoms within 4 days. When I found out I had it, I was utterly devestated.
I felt like all of my sexual freedom had been taken away from me. Now every time I was to get with a new partner I would have to warn them. The whole point about sex with someone new is that it is free, and exciting, and can happen anywhere. Even oral sex. But not anymore.
What makes it worse now is that my initial reaction to it I know must be the same kind of reaction that a lot of people would have if I told them about it. It's ridiculous, but my knowledge was based loosely on things like a South Park episode (full of completely false information, contracting from towels etc.), and from a social reaction everyone had when someone at our school contracted it.
I've accepted having it myself, I don't really care about something that isn't going to affect my health in the long run, but I do care about various things. A simple thing like oral sex - people associate condoms with penetrative sex, not wth oral sex, so from now on when someone is about to go down on me, I have to explain why I'm putting a condom on? And that isn't even a guarantee that they won't get it anyway? That's what I find hard. Lack of sexual freedom. Sex from now on will always come with a 'precursor'. Sigh.
I haven't even told my close friends even though I'm usually quite open (and sometimes explicit!) about my sexual activities, but I know that their reaction to it would be dreadful. I'm still young and thought I would go on to have an illustrious and fairly open sex life until I wanted to get married, which likely would not have been until I was about 30.
I guess even if I had had protected sex every time up til then I still could have got it. If one in four of sexually active people have it, that really makes me wonder who to tell and when to tell.
I only have got to know the truth about GH (about how really quite insignificant and common it is) now that I've contracted it, and it's not the fact I have it that bothers me, it's the fact of general ignorance about it. It's even the name 'herpes' is a horrible sounding name. It makes it a lot less easy to talk about. 'just before we start, i should tell you i have hsv'. 'what's that?' 'herpes'. Urgh!
I'll wrap this up now - maybe I should tell people before sex I have HSV. They ask what it is - I say 'it's quite a common STD,' blah blah blah, and explain everything, except just don't call it 'herpes'. I think that would make things more comfortable, and allow any new partners to look at the disease for its statistics, risks and effects, rather than the social stigma of the word 'herpes'. My STD education in school used horrible tactics to try to get you to use condoms, basically showing disgusting pictures of STDs and about how you need to avoid them like the plague. I remember thinking herpes was one of the worst looking ones. The 'teacher' never said anything like 'if you remain sexually active beyond your mid-twenties, you will have a 25% chance of having GH no matter how careful you've been!' Education is the key, as this blog is aiming for. Keep it up!
Anyway thanks for listening to my brain dump: Rememeber its a stupidly common disease with no real long-term effects, that while is quite infectious, cannot be transmitted from a slew of ways that people think it can be.
Thanks for reading,
J
I am 43 now and I have had herpes for about 23 yr's. I used to be upset about the whole thing for a long time. But then I got closer to God I new that if no one else loved me for me it would truely be Him. And then one day I found myself praying for the young man who did this to me. I thought about how he must have felt liking someone but not being able to say I have herpes. Why can I understand that now. Because the shoe is on the other foot. No one can truely say how they would react to someone telling them that you just have to face it. So I say start by forgiving yourself first, and then forgive the person who did this to you because love is out there but how can you love someone if you hate you.
I was diagnosed with genital herpes about 5 months ago and could not believe this was happening to me. I am a virgin and contracted it from my boyfriend who had a cold sore on his mouth. I had always thought I was being so careful by not having intercourse but you can still get plenty of things from oral sex! Don't be fooled! I never thought it would happen to someone like me. I am your typical all american girl, cheerleader, Prom queen, sorority girl, etc. I am only saying this because I want people to know that herpes or STD's in general can happen to ANYONE! So when people say it happens only to those that are sexually promiscuous or trashy I just want to laugh. It is so nieve to think that is the case. To be honest I would have said the same thing 5 months ago before I contracted this. But after it has happend to me and being more educated on the subject I know that it can happen to even the least likely people. It was hard for me to cope with at first but as time goes by I consider myself lucky that I am ok. Herpes is not life threatening and you can still lead a normal healthy life!!! YOUR OK PEOPLE!!! Be so thankful that God has given you this life to live and this small little virus is not going to take that away from you. Find someone that loves you for who you are and don't let Herpes get in the way. Herpes does not define who you are, you're still you and nothing will change that. You are now just more aware and careful of things. Everyone has challenges in their lives, for those of us with Herpes, this is one of ours. Think of yourself as being a stronger person because of it and know that you can take on anything!
I found out I had GH about 3 months ago. I have been married for 14 years. I'm 44 yrs. old and my husband if 53. My husband has no symptoms at all. Sometime during my marriage I started getting cold sores on my lips on my mouth but never thought much of that due to my mom having them when I was a kid. Looking back now, I should of gone in and gotten tested then. It was so hard to tell my husband, I was worried he would think I had an affair. I trust that he has not had one. His comment was well you have always had the cold sores for quite a while. He has not wanted to go in and get tested. I guess its because he doesn't like dr.'s We have been intimate for the last 14 years, so he could have it but no symptoms. He took it very well, probably better than I would have. My dr. said it is more common then people relize. It has nothing to do with how many people you have been with either. In fact, me having arthritis in my knee's has been more of a problem in our marriage than GH. For people who are single and/or young. If a guy or girl doesn't understand it, and leaves the relationship you are really better off. Marriage is hard enough without someone always holding that against you in a relationship.
You people Must be crazy. Herpes is something you have for life.
I'm sorry, I don't want that. Too many CLEAN fish in the sea.
I don't sleep around (and I'm a guy), and take adequate steps to protect myself from STDs.
Sorry, I not only understand why the majority of people feel this way, but I'm literally amazed this article was even written!
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