Q & A: Help! My child hates me!
Q: My 4 year old has started to say, "I hate you," to his brother and to me. He acts proud when he says it, as if he has power over me. Should I just overlook it?
A: Heaven protect us from the bright 4 year old who has learned the power of words!
This is a very common and very normal scenario. Let's see if we can figure out what's happening here. Your little guy has learned an exciting new way to push your buttons, this time by merely saying three little words. It's likely at this age he doesn't know what "I hate you" even means. What he does know is that you think it's a bad thing to say and, when he does say it, people respond in a very lively way. Sure, it's not a positive response, but that's beside the point, because the ability to generate any intense response gives you some power over your little world.
Think about it. The world of a 4 year old is generally one of powerlessness. You have to eat what your parents feed you and sleep when they dictate. They choose if you go to school or stay home. They pick your clothes. You're dependent on them to explain to you how the mystifying world works. There is very little over which you feel you have much control.
Then you find some simple words that confer onto you a power that is as irresistible as it is rare, and therein lies the fun. Of course your son doesn't really "hate" you. If you responded the same way if he said, "You're a potato," then that's what he'd be saying when he became frustrated. By the way, it's the same story when children begin to use swear words. It's the response they're looking for -- they have no real idea what the words mean.
Fortunately, it's a habit easily broken by simple ignoring. If no one moves a hair whenever he says,"I hate you," -- no response, no acknowledgment, no anger, no time-out, no laughter, no nothing, as if he hadn't said anything at all -- the fun's over and soon he'll stop saying it.
Of course, then he'll look for other creative ways to gain a measure of control over his world, so be prepared for what he comes up with next!
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4 Comments:
lol This whole article is sooooo true. I have a 4 year old, and when he discovered the phrase "I hate you", he used it all the time, and I thought that I was a horrible mom, but I talked to a few other moms and my husband and discoved that if I ignore him when he says it, he stoped saying it.... but he came up with some new and interesting ways to get attention, and get strong reactions. The big one now is calling people duche bags. (I'm still trying to figure out where he learned that one, my mom and I are thinking it was from his uncle.)
That is exactly the reason why I have banned the word 'hate' in my household. My child has not been allowed to say it since that age, and now at 8, feels as strongly against it as I do. There is enough hate in this world, and I don't need my 4 year old to contribute to it. 4-year olds are not in need of any 'power', what they need is unconditional love and affection, and a whole lot of providing direction (aka good parenting)
i am struggling with this response. if the child was indeed cursing, how should we react to that? what about hitting? in my book, these are unacceptable ways to use his verbal and physical power...and repercussions such as time outs and loss of privileges seem appropriate. so is 'i hate you' just a grey area we are choosing to be more lax on?
It depends on the child, try ignoring it for a week. But if that doesn't work then he is the type of child that needs you to lay down the law and enforce, my son was the type of child you could just talk to and tell that that isn't a nice thing to say and it hurts my feelings, he would never do it again, if he did it was an accident. But when my neifew started saying mean things my sister ignored it, it got so bad he was saying it all the time, she finally had to punish him when he said it, she calmly told him that it was not allowed to be said, and he would go in time out everytime he said it, after three or four time outs he began to stop saying it as often, then all together finaly.
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