Does having kids make you happy?
Dr. P's Pediatric Journal Club
The study
In 1987-1988, the National Survey of Families and Households interviewed and tested 9,000 people for:
--> Whether they had children (= 3/4) or not (= 1/4).
--> Levels of depressive symptoms.
--> Data on socio-economic status.
What the study found
--> Higher rates of depression were seen at younger ages, in women, in Blacks, in persons with less education, in those not employed full-time, in those with lower family incomes, and in non-married adults.
--> As a group, parents reported significantly higher rates of depression, compared to childless adults.
>> This was especially true of parents with young children.
>> On the other hand, "empty nesters" reported the same levels of depression as childless adults.
What this study suggests
Parents, especially those with young children, report higher rates of depression compared to childless adults.
Dr. P comments
OK, by now you have given up the myth of parenthood being a time of uninterrupted bliss and joy.
More likely, especially if your kids are young, aside from the fun and excitement and good times and joy, it is a time of relentless demands and responsibilities and dilemmas and worries. It's a stressful time - at least to some extent - no matter what your life circumstances might be.
Add to the mix a general lack of appreciation (by partners, families, friends, society) of how hard and how important a job parenting is. Is it any wonder that most parents become depressed some of the time?
I have no pat explanations, except to say that we in the U.S. provide less support for parents (time off work, high quality child care, resources for parents who choose not to work outside the home) than all the other industrialized countries. I wonder: is the level of parental depression in those cultures less than in ours?
Other than moving to Finland, any suggestions that might help? Here are some things I have learned:
>> Children are best served when their parents are living happy and fulfulling lives, whether that means engaging in full time work outside the home or devoting full time as a stay-at-home parent or a combination of the two.
>> Parents often become depressed when they make the mistake of giving up all the things that used to be meaningful to them in their childless days: keeping close friends, working on maintaining and making time for a loving supportive relationship with their partner, keeping up with their long term interests in the world, etc. In short, having a life outside of the kids.
>> Parents may become depressed if they are consumed with the notion of "infant determinism" - a theory popularized by some parenting gurus - i.e., the need to be a perfect parent because every little thing one does with your child is fraught with significance for their long term development. One false move and the child will be an endlessly neurotic, unhappy adult. Since the perfect parent has yet to exist, guilt is inevitable.
>> Parents may become depressed when they view themselves inadequate to provide their child with the skills needed to overcome the new threats to children of the 21st century, threats which were inconceiveable and largely unknown when we were kids (drugs, early sex, early exposure to inappropriate content on the media, etc.)
The good news of this study for you should be a confirmation of your complicated feelings about being a parent. Don't get me wrong, there is (I hope) plenty of joy and fulfillment coming your way. But so too is there almost always a downside, one that parents are rarely given permission to talk about or even feel.
Anyway you look at it, parenting is a tough job. Sure, you get depressed and stressed. But, as this study tells us, you are not alone. In fact, you're not even weird. You're just human.
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Article cited:
"Clarifying the relationship between parenthood and depression."
Evenson R and Simon R.
Journal of Health and Social Behavior. December, 2005
Related Topics: How to Be A Positive Parent, Welcome to Parenthood
Technorati Tags: parenting, depression, stress
7 Comments:
Hurray for you! Shining the light on natural ambivalence about parenting is rare and fraught with guilt and fear of being seen not to love your children, and it's good that someone starts talking about it. I do have times when I resent all I have do and all I don't get to do and the lack of recognition that comes with the territory. And I'm sure I'm not alone, as you so frankly say. So thanks, and again - hurray for you.
thank you so much for the article as a stay at home mother of 4 I question almost everything I do so i often find myself getting depressed but parenting is hard, stressful and alot of work but I can honestly say that having kids has made me a happier person..the rewards...even if its just a kiss is worth more to me than anything
Thank you, thank you, thank you... My husband and I are struggling with this very issue. It is hard, yet rewarding. I love my kids, but you MUST take time for yourself. We have a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old. With working two different schedules to avoid day care, we see little of each other and become more roomates than parents! Glad we are not alone!! WE are not giving up!!
It would be terrific if any couple (or single for that matter) who was contemplating parenthood would have access to this information.
So many parents I know are disappointed in their parenting experience because they expect their children to be a continual source of validation for them and of them.
I believe the more realistic someone is going into parenting...expecting to give more than they receive, expecting sleepless nights and tantrums, expecting some "I hate yous" as well as some "I love yous", the happier both parents and children will be.
That said it all. I felt better after reading it. I love my kids, but they drive me crazy. We all need more time to do the things we enjoy with out having to worry about dinner!!! No matter what happen during the day, I always make sure I tell the kids that I love them at bed time. I keep hearing they grow up so fast, so we need to enjoy them as much as possible.
thank you for the article!! As a working mom of 4 toddlers, I stay on my feet almost all day. Parenting is a lot of work, your hands are full 24hrs of the day, even when you sleep, you sleep with your eyes open!!! As a mom, I'm the kids' superwoman with uncountable hands, legs and I have answers to all their questions. Parenting is stressful, but a lot of fun because when you are emotionally down, the kids make you laugh and when they are not there, you miss them so much like your heart is jumping out of your body. I love parenting and would do it all over again.
My goodness finally people sharing what parentng feels like. I find so many parents feel they cannot talk about how tough it is at times instead saying everything is perfect, which leaves the ones who like to share the ups and downs freely feel as though maybe as parents we must being doing something wrong. All I know now is the parents that say its perfect are actually having a harder time than the rest of us!!!!
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