How can I discipline my child?

From Dr. P's practice

Ms. L comes in to my office with Buzz, her rambunctious 3 year old.

She is distraught. "He is driving me nuts. He only does what he wants to do,

and resists most of my requests. Time out is not working.

Should I spank him, as my mother-in-law insists I should?
I need help, Dr. P. How can I discipline him in a more effective way?"

I get this all the time.

As a start, let's deconstruct Ms. L's question about 'discipline'.

What does she mean by "discipline"? Like most, she really is asking me how she can effectively punish her child. The (incorrect) notion is: "If I just can come up with the right form of punishment, the little guy's behavior will be fine."

However, the word "discipline" comes from the word "disciple" and really means "to teach". Unfortunately, children are unruly disciples, at best. I, for example, have yet to meet the child who looks up to his parent and says, "Thank you, oh great and wise teacher. I will sit here calmly at your feet and learn from your vast wisdom. I will gladly do whatever it is you want me to do. You are my one true guru. I am so grateful!"

So Ms. L is really asking me how she might better teach Buzz the rules of behavior that are important to her and her family and her culture. How might she do so?

To that end, in my office I asked her (and now you) to think of her favorite teacher when she was young. What made him/her so great? Mine was Ms. Allen, my beloved 5th grade teacher. In retrospect, this is what made her so wonderful:

• I knew she liked me (? most important of all).
• She set very high standards. She expected me to work to my potential. No excuses allowed.
• She ran a tight ship. The rules for conduct were very explicit. If you were out of line in class, retribution was predictible and swift and fair. No one messed with Ms. Allen.
• She made the subjects very interesting.
• She had a great sense of humor.
  

(This was in sharp contrast to Ms. Day, my old battle axe of a 3rd grade teacher. She had punishment down to a science, including a long fingernail that she rapped on your skull, often drawing blood, when you were out of line. Although a master of punishment and intimidation, I'm guessing she's made no one's top 10 teacher list.)

My advice to Ms. L then was to think of those characteristics of her favorite teachers and aspire to them when she is dealing with Buzz's difficult behaviors and trying to teach him the rules of the game.

But, you say, that's not enough; that's just the start. I agree. Sorry if I have disappointed you. Disciplining kids is a complex matter with, alas, no magic answers, and I'm going to have to reserve future blogs to complexify the discussion.

In the meantime, becoming more like Ms. Allen and less like Ms. Day when it comes to disciplining your kids certainly wouldn't be a bad start.

Related Topics: Is Your Family Out of Control?, 10 Commandments of Good Parenting

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