How can I discipline my child?
Ms. L comes in to my office with Buzz, her rambunctious 3 year old.
I need help, Dr. P. How can I discipline him in a more effective way?"
What does she mean by "discipline"? Like most, she really is asking me how she can effectively punish her child. The (incorrect) notion is: "If I just can come up with the right form of punishment, the little guy's behavior will be fine."
However, the word "discipline" comes from the word "disciple" and really means "to teach". Unfortunately, children are unruly disciples, at best. I, for example, have yet to meet the child who looks up to his parent and says, "Thank you, oh great and wise teacher. I will sit here calmly at your feet and learn from your vast wisdom. I will gladly do whatever it is you want me to do. You are my one true guru. I am so grateful!"
So Ms. L is really asking me how she might better teach Buzz the rules of behavior that are important to her and her family and her culture. How might she do so?
To that end, in my office I asked her (and now you) to think of her favorite teacher when she was young. What made him/her so great? Mine was Ms. Allen, my beloved 5th grade teacher. In retrospect, this is what made her so wonderful:
- I knew she liked me (? most important of all).
- She set very high standards. She expected me to work to my potential. No excuses allowed.
- She ran a tight ship. The rules for conduct were very explicit. If you were out of line in class, retribution was predictible and swift and fair. No one messed with Ms. Allen.
- She made the subjects very interesting.
- She had a great sense of humor.
(This was in sharp contrast to Ms. Day, my old battle axe of a 3rd grade teacher. She had punishment down to a science, including a long fingernail that she rapped on your skull, often drawing blood, when you were out of line. Although a master of punishment and intimidation, I'm guessing she's made no one's top 10 teacher list.)
My advice to Ms. L then was to think of those characteristics of her favorite teachers and aspire to them when she is dealing with Buzz's difficult behaviors and trying to teach him the rules of the game.
But, you say, that's not enough; that's just the start. I agree. Sorry if I have disappointed you. Disciplining kids is a complex matter with, alas, no magic answers, and I'm going to have to reserve future blogs to complexify the discussion.
In the meantime, becoming more like Ms. Allen and less like Ms. Day when it comes to disciplining your kids certainly wouldn't be a bad start.
Related Topics: Is Your Family Out of Control?, 10 Commandments of Good Parenting
Technorati Tags: childcare, parenting, discipline
7 Comments:
MY 3 YR OLD DAUGHTER WON'T SLEEP IN HER OWN BED. WHEN I TRY TO COAX HER AND LAY WITH HER IN HER NEW CINDERELLA BED, SHE SCREAMS AND CRIES. HER DAD TELLS ME I AM BEING MEAN AND SHOULD JUST LET HER SLEEP IN OUR BED. HE SLEEPS ON THE COUCH. WHAT DO I DO?
Anonymous,
First of all, you and Dad need to get on the same page. The mixed messages that you are sending her are the meanest thing you can do to her. It is not mean to make her sleep in her bed ( and I don't think it is terrible that she sleeps with you either), but you and Dad need to agree what the rules are. Temper tantrums are not uncommon at 3 years of age, and that is what your daughter is having, a tantrum. Every time you give in to her ( or you and Dad fight about this issue and she knows about it) you are sending her a message. That message is when she's upset and wants her way, she can either a) make you give in (if you let her sleep in your bed) or b) she can make you feel bad like she does(when you and Dad fight). Either way you are giving this sweet little girl a power she is not ready for, or able to handle. If she is to sleep in her bed, there needs to be no coaxing or wheedling. Put her in bed, kiss her and firmly tell her you love her and you will see her in the morning. If she comes out of her room, take her back (say nothing) and leave again. You will have a few awful nights, because she has learned that if she pushes it, you will get upset or give in. Keep in mind, your firmness (not harshness) and consistency are the greatest gifts you can give her. She will learn that there are things she cannot do, and that not getting her way is ok, and that you love her no matter what. Good luck!!
Our 6 year old little girl is constantly getting in trouble at school for talking. At times I feel like the teacher is going a little overboard on the different situations but, as we have told our daughter, we will back the teacher as to the discipline handed down to her at school. If she's talking and gets in trouble then she's in trouble.... no questions. I guess we are just a bit beside ourselves in trying to help our daughter understand that she can't continue this type of behavior of constantly talking when asked not to... even if someone else is asking her a question or asking her for help. How can we help her to understand the "no talking" rule and help her to not be in trouble so much as school?
I'm a first time mother and my son is 2 years old and me and his dad are seperated and I'm remarried. But his dad lets him get away with everything. At my house he has a schudle and rules but he is a sreammer and kicker when he dont get his way, but mainley with me not my husband and I do the same things my husband does why ? I want to be able to go to the store or out to eat or just have company over so what do I do? Time outs dont work, putting him in his room doesn't work, spanking his hands or patiing his butt does not work so what else is there?
To the first time mother of a 2yr old. 1:52pm. Sounds like you have a stubborn child. My Aunts boy was the stubbornest child I ever saw, but he wanted to be a good boy. You could not make him do anything, but you could reason with him. She sat him down and talked to him, and he was as good as gold. Maybe yours just needs reasoning with.
my eight year old daughter refuses to sleep in her room. she will call us and cry all night and wont go to sleep. She wants to sleep on our floor in our bedroom. this is starting to have my wife and i fight.. i just want her to sleep in her room(wich is right across the hall from our room)...what should we do?
Hello-my duaghter was our first child and i made the mistake by letting her sleep with my husband and i. She is 5 and is still refusing to sleep in her own room. we have bribed her as well as dicipline her, either way it doesnt work. She will rant and rave until she gets her way. She is fine if i sleep in her bed with her its when she wakes up to notice i am not there. We also have a 2 year old in which i learned my lesson and he sleeps just fine in his room. When my 5 year old throws these fits it startles him and he wakes up. As the others my husband and i are now fighting over this. Any advise please?!?!
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