Teaching your children: Do as I do, not as I say

Dr. P's favorite quotes of the week

"It distresses parents when children who should obey them,

instead imitate them."
- Unknown

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"Children have more need of models than of critics. "

-Carolyn Coats

(author: Things Your Mother Told You but You Didn't Want to Hear, 1994.)

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"Education consists of example and love -- nothing else."

-Heinrich Pestalozzi

(Swiss educational reformer. 1746-1827)

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"People look at you and me to see what they are supposed to be.

And, if we don't disappoint them, maybe, just maybe, they won't disappoint us."

- Walt Disney (1901-1966)

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Dr. P comments

How do children learn how to make sense of and behave in the world?

Sure there is the usual positive and negative reinforcement you always hear about when they are young. And there are fancy toys and extra stimulation (actually, those are pretty useless, but that's another blog). And, of course, peers, school, the media, your wise counsel, even genetics...

But, in the long run, one of the most important ways children learn is through so-called "incidental learning". We humans are great imitators and children just seem to inhale the world around them, incorporating their experiences into who and what they are, and what they become. They are learning on the fly, just when we are least aware of it and don't think we are teaching them anything at all.

I put it this way to the parents in my practice: "The purpose of discipline is to teach and to protect your child. The best way to achieve this, in the long run, is to be the kind of person you would someday like your child to be and to conduct your life in the way you someday hope your child will."

For parents - especially those of the "do as I say, not as I do" school of discipline - that may not be especially welcome news. And it is daunting for all of us to think of the little eyes watching how we act in the world and unconsciously incorporating our behaviors into the way they understand the world and how they act. But, for example, expecting that you can teach your children to be kind to others when you yourself are not, is a forlorn hope and not a great bet.

They tell me, "Physician, heal thyself." True enough, but the same goes for you guys.