Your child's fears: Banishing the Ogre

Tales from Dr. P's office

"Dr. P!" Ms. L exclaimed as she entered my office. "I'm really worried about Petunia [her three and a half year old daughter]! She has so many fears! She's scared of the dark. She is chased by monsters in her dreams. She's absolutely petrified that she might see a bug during the day. I can't figure out why she is so worried and now I'm worried that something is terribly wrong with her or that something bad has happened to her that I don't know about."

For her part, Petunia sat happily in the chair, drawing pictures of her family and singing a song. Having known her all her life, she looked as happy and carefree as ever.

I thought I probably knew what was going on without asking. Still, it's a pediatrician's job to hunt around for worst case scenarios before calling something "normal". But, no, nothing bad had happened to her that Ms. L knew of. No important changes in her life. Things at home were fine. Petunia was happy and doing great otherwise, including at her day care. No, she never was even bitten by a bug.

It was a mystery to Ms L why her Petunia is so fearful, and she was worried and not a little guilty about it.

Dr. P explains it all

After the age of two, almost all kids, including those who have no significant stresses in their lives -- whose lives are, in fact, butter -- develop fears.

Why is that?

I sum it up this way: Most of us have a romanticized notion that childhood is an uninterrupted idyllic time of innocence and delight and naive happiness. That's true to a certain extent, of course, but it's also true that some of the time it's scary to be a kid, no matter how great your life might be. Think about it:

• You are little and everyone else is huge.
• You feel powerless to affect the world in the way you want (of course, parents may beg to differ).
• In your short life, you have been buffeted around by forces you can neither control nor understand.
• You are pretty clueless as to how and why things happen -- especially bad things. It's all kind of magical, and magic can always have a dark side.
• You haven't had enough experience to anticipate how things are going to turn out.
• You are egocentric, so you assume that everything that happens (especially bad things) will happen to you and because of you.
• You want to be independent, but lessening the close reliance on your parents, while thrilling, is also terrifying.

Given this scenario, it's no mystery that most young children will develop fears: think of it as a developmental inevitability. That's why it does no good to rationally lecture how "there are no monsters", that the "bugs won't bother you", that "it's just a dream." At her developmental level, your child -- with great certainty -- knows otherwise.

And even if you could somehow fulfill every parent's fondest dream and banish all fears and stress and travail from your child's life, would that even be a good thing to do? A child who never has had a moment's worry (not that there has ever been one) would be especially ill-prepared to cope with life's later inevitable stresses.

Mastering these fears is an important developmental challenge for your child. In her wonderful book "The Magic Years", Selma Fraiberg expressed it this way: "The future mental health of the child does not depend upon the presence or absence of ogres in his fantasy life, or on such fine points as the diets of ogres -- perhaps not even on the number and frequency of appearance of ogres. It depends upon the child's solution of the ogre problem."

What to do? Help your child solve the ogre problem! Here are some tips on how to do that:

• Monsters have magical powers, but parents have even greater magical powers. Don't be shy to use them. "This flashlight is an anti-monster flashlight and will keep the monsters away." "I checked everywhere and there are no monsters in the closet. Earlier I sprayed monster spray to be sure none come tonight." "I talked to the bug queen and she promised the bugs won't hurt you." Use your creativity and follow your child's suggestions.
• Be sympathetic. Never belittle or demean her very real fears.
• Try biblio- or video-therapy. (I suggested Ms L watch "A Bug's Life and "Monsters, Inc" with Petunia.) Find some wonderful picture books to read together that depict the dreaded experiences.
• Give your child 'transitional objects', such as pictures of her all powerful parents to keep with her, a magic blankie, a "monster go-away" night lite.
• Find out what your child finds reassuring and use it: soft music, an open bedroom door, a doll, a Jerry Springer poster.
• Eliminate some of the uncertainty by anticipatory collaborative problem- solving. "If we see a bug when we go outside, what are we going to do so you don't get too scared? What would you like me to do?"
• Increase your child's sense of control by drawing pictures together of the feared situations and talking about them with her.
• Make positive statements and predictions. "I don't think any monsters will come tonight." "The bugs are very friendly today." "You are going to be brave when you see a bug today."
• Reassure and reassure again. TLC and TLC again.

Bottom line: As your child gets older and gains a better understanding of the world, with your loving support she will successfully solve the ogre problem and have learned an important lesson about her ability to successfully overcome her fears.

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A caveat: While this discussion applies to most kids, occasionally the fears and phobias are so severe that they have a very negative impact on a child's ability to function and on her happiness. This suggests the excessive fears could be a response to some sort of significant stress and/or an early tendency to anxiety (that often runs in the family). In such circumstances, more intensive professional help may be warranted. If you have any questions about that, run it by your pediatric provider.

Related Topics: WebMD Video: Too Scared: Tale of Social Anxiety Disorder, Guidelines for Your Child's Bedtime

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