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Big mother is watching: Should we spy on our kids?
Here's the scenario. You are making the bed in your teenage daughter's messy bedroom and come upon her private diary. Do you read it? Should you read it? Do you tell her if you do? What if you stumble on some disturbing news?Or your teen's computer is on. You know if you just hit the "Back" button, you can view everything he's been watching. Would you? Should you?
Or the cell phone lies carelessly on the desk with a new text message that almost screams: "READ ME". Do you read it and scroll backwards and read others?
To read or not to read, to snoop or not to snoop, to keep close tabs or not, those are the questions. Do your kids have privacy rights? Is it a parent's responsibility to snoop around and, when necessary, protect them from themselves?
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New technology is bringing these questions home on a whole new and more urgent level. Take a look at some of the new gadgets available to keep tabs on your kids:
- GPS (global positioning system) in cell phones so you always tell where your child (or, at least, his/her cell phone) is. In school or playing hooky? At her girlfriend's house, as promised, or gallivanting with her creepy boyfriend?
- Computer programs that will tell which web sites your child has accessed.
- Computer keyboard devices that keep track of every key stroke, so you can know exactly what your child has written and to whom.
- A GPS device in the car that will inform you, in real time, exactly where it the car is (apparently they also now have them for backpacks).
- A car speed monitoring device that informs you (via cell phone or e-mail) exactly how fast your teen is driving, if s/he is speeding, and if there have been any sudden swerves. (You can then remotely beep the horn or flash the lights to remind your charge to slow down!)
And this is only the technological infancy of this kind of stuff. Watch for small video cameras so you can see and hear all that goes on in the car (or the classroom or ...). Even better, a little implantable chip under the skin that will do all of the above, plus eavesdrop on conversations and tell you his/her physiological functions, e.g., if s/he is having sex. (OK, I made this last one up, but who knows.)
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So that's the easy part: what we can do. The important question, of course, is: what should you as a parent do? Here are the pros and cons, as I understand them, of using technology to monitor your child's comings and goings:
Pro:
- Even the most mature and responsible teenagers are still teenagers, i.e., s/he thinks s/he is immortal, invulnerable and hence is susceptible to doing incredibly dangerous and stupid things (as, let's face it, we all did).
- Kids lie. Most parents would faint if they actually knew what really was happening in their child's life.
- The biggest cause of death for age 17-25 is car accidents. Anything that minimizes the risk is worth it.
- Kids can better resist peer pressure in the car (e.g., to drive fast or pay a visit to the wrong side of the tracks) with the excuse that their speed and location is being transmitted to Mom and Dad, even as they speak.
- The internet has plenty of nasty, unhealthy nooks and crannies. It's your job to be sure your child is not accessing them and/or subjecting him/herself to dangerous situations, unsavory material, exposure to predators, etc.
- Despite their protestations, adolescents really appreciate and are comforted by having an involved parent, and this sort of monitoring expresses just that.
- Technological, automatic monitoring leads to less anxiety and fewer frantic cell phone calls.
- If kids are putting personal information the internet (and more than 20% or 4.000.000 teenagers do) for every weirdo or hormone-crazed teen to read and respond to, why shouldn't parents also read it?
- This sort of spying erodes your relationship with your child who feels unjustly accused and mistrusted.
- Your child needs to learn the internal controls to behave sensibly, not because his/her behaviors are being policed by you. What will happen when that monitoring stops? Will they then do all the things they had avoided once they are on their own?
- Some kids are so angry at being 'spied on' and mistrusted that they misbehave even more, as a sign of rebellion and independence.
- All this is part of the creeping culture of "paranoid parenting." After all, we all did a few (or more) dumb things as teenagers that our parents never knew about and we ended up OK (didn't we!?). The world isn't really all that dangerous.
- It will make kids more secretive and inhibit open communication between parent and child.
- Like a bacteria becoming resistant to an antibiotic, our very savvy kids will come up with ways to circumvent the surveillance anyway.
- These measures don't come cheap. There are better ways to spend your hard-earned money.
Related Topics: 10 Signs You're a Micromanaging Parent, Teens Look to Parents for Sex Info
Technorati Tags: parenting teens, spying on teens, text messaging, myspace
100 Comments:
DD is only one, so I have awhile, but lots of this has already come to mind for me.
Things I do not understand: Why does a teen need a cell phone? Don't they have phones that only dial to the parents set number already in technology? Why do teens have thier own computers? I am against DD EVER having her own computer before college, there are just too many freaks out there. We had a family computer for homework/school use. Why does a teen have to drive? I got my liscense at 18 (same as my siblings): my parents belief was that when you are an adult you can drive, till then, buss or walk (my DF is in agreement with me, he got a liscense at 25 when I was too PG to drive safely anymore).
I agree that these methods of survelience can errod trust, and think that they should wait till the trust has been tampered (at wich time the teen should expect you to snoop). For example, my mom knew from finding notes from my sisters friends that sis was skipping school. My mom waited for anotehr clue (sand from the beach in my sis bag) and then jumped on her for skipping, and open survelience (and grounding).
I think parents can restrict some things to make it harder for the teen to goof off (cell phones, computers, endless curfews) and do old fashioned survelience (absence reports, no phone calls behind closed doors, calling the friends house teen is staying at/having rapor with teens friends parents, etc).
But like I said, I have awhile to figure it all out :)
Dr. Parker,
I'm approximately 13 years from having a teenage son (he's due in 2 weeks) and I can't even imagine the technologies we'll have by then.
The question is a great one.
Even though I have no answer yet, I would add one more item to the con side: Big mother watching could desensitize your child to government watching and erode his/her sense of personal privacy.
I love your pro/con approach and the advice and questions you pose. Parenting sure looks like fun. :)
I agree with most everything that Jash said too.
Good old fashioned survelience seems the likely route I'd take. Like Jash, I've got a while to figure it out.
I am in my 50's so I already went thru this, I am a boomer so in my life I respected my childrens privacy rights totally, and I firmly believe in keeping the communications lines open at all cost, if your children can talk freely to you and you don't overreact(this is ery important), you will be amazed at how open and great your relationship can be with your teen.
Are you kidding??? Spy Spy Spy Our jobs as parents are to keep children safe. They can deal with the reprocussions in therapy.
My husband and I disagree on this issue. Both of our children have cell phones and in high school. Our daughter is a freshman and our son a senior. My husband thinks he should be able to call our son and have him answer is phone any time he wants and he demands to know where he is at all times. I am more trusting and lenient. Our son has yet to break my trust, so I know he will be where he said he is going. I feel that if my parent's did not have the ability to know get in touch with me when I was out with friends, why should we intrude on our son. I also have faith that I have raised my children to make wise choices and don't feel it is necessary to spy on them. My son once refused to stay home alone because some of his friends found out and he did not want to have a party at the house. Parents that spy are just asking for trouble.
You must have read my mind when you wrote this. Interesting that the commenter just above me has the same problem I do -- Big Momma doesn't watch anyone but beware Big DADDY.
Our kids have cell phones and laptops. They were well instructed in the safe use of both and know that they have no presumption of privacy with either one.
Neither one has given us cause to distrust them, yet my husband insists on checking text messages, email and Internet caches on nearly a daily basis.
He found some Sports Illustrated-style bathing suit pics on the 17 year old's computer last week. I shrugged, he started going on about pornography addiction.
I think I've managed to ease his concerns. For now. But what bothers me more is that there is so much hysteria about such a SMALL percentages of kids being preyed upon, misbehaving, becoming addicted, etc. that the ordinary non-geeky person has no baseline for age-appropriate monitoring.
This is the discussion I have to have over and over again with my husband.
Should we monitor as closely as we do? I don't think so. On the other hand, I wouldn't leave them completely alone either simply because the way kids use instant messaging and surf lends itself to virus and backdoor infections (even with a great anti-virus and firewall installed) that can impact our entire home network.
But I still don't care that he's looking at girls in bathing suits and wish I could convince my spouse to understand where to ease off.
Heck no, not unless the parent has reasonable grounds to snoop (e.g. they have proof of their kids doing something wrong). Snooping in other people's business is invasion of privacy, pure and simple. I'm a 34 year old adult, yet my mom and my younger sister have admitted to snooping in my diary and even my e-mail, and I've done nothing wrong to warrant such snooping.
I am a parent, grandparent and great-grandparent, and 63 yrs old. I don't think there's any black or white answer to the question. Noticing something left out in your child's room versus going through their drawers are two very different things. It's also important to recognize the generation gap that exists between parents and children that can make what parents think is really important, not so important to them. I believe it's always important to talk with children about topics like drinking and driving, other illegal activities, and sexual responsibility, whether you think anything's going on or not. Once the horse is out of the barn, however, it may not only be a bad idea to try to shut the door; the window of opportunity, where they might listen to what you have to say, may be closed as well.
My children are no longer teens (26, 24 and 20), and their teen years were very difficult for us all. There was all the angst about where they hung out, and with whom, and we spent a few sleepless nights waiting for them to get home, and a few in the police station. However UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD WE HAVE SPIED ON THEM. I would have been angry had my mom spied on me, and I know they would have been justifiably angry has we spied on them. Once the frightening time of teen years ended, now they are our best friends. If I want to know anything I ask. Ususally they tell me. I think that trust is the most important gift you an give a kid, and that is true especially if they don't always deserve it. They have learned that bad behavior does not only bring the wrath of parents, and that more often than not the wrath of other authority figures is far worse than mom and dad's wrath.
I want my kids to be safe, of course, but I want them to want to be safe. I want them to trust me, so I have no logical choice but to trust thme, even if it is difficult. I have smart kids, Ihave lucky kids. Nothing lifeshattering ever happened to them, although they stretched their luck to the breaking point, and they suffered some consequences for it. But, and this I am most proud of, they are decent people and good sons and good friends. They do what they know to be right, not what we told them and forced them to never experiment with. Trust is a two way street, and if you show by your actions that you absolutely don't believe that your children deserve your trust, they certainly won't trust you, either. It's a risk we take having kids, but worth it, I believe.
Using technology these days in our family is getting way too expensive. Disney has this GPS cel phone. Sure, it seems like a great idea for an active kid with extra curricular activities, but if the parent can't be the one taking/driving them, then they shouldn't be going period. Aren't the extracurricular activities something a parent/child should be enjoying together and spending quality time for? I have a step-daughter who is in 5th grade this year and has to come home after getting off the bus. She has lots of different locations she can go to, besides going to her grandparents, but she knows if she goes anywhere BUT there, she will have a new behind. Let your kids know the limits and make sure the consequences are known, and if they test the limit and break it, keep the commitment. They'll soon learn the limits and thank you for it later. Dad and I randomly go through the school bookbag once a week. Sometimes we see things that aren't supposed to be going to school and by the midyear, she knows not to test any more and behaves and then starts all over the next year. I'm sure she'll test us all the way til she graduates, but she knows we love and care for her and watch for her well being.
I have 5 kids, 4 boys and one girl. They range from 13 to 28. You bet I spy...always have and always will. They are my kids, and they live in my house. I have a right to know what there thinking and what they are doing. I want to keep them safe. If they get mad at me for doing it, o well. Certainly isn't they first time they will hate me.
This is a great blog.
My daughter will be 14 in two weeks. This is what has worked very well so far.
Regarding trust: it starts young. I don't like to my daughter, never have. She knows it. It sometimes means learning hard truths, but she also knows that when I say things are fine, they really are fine.
She knows that for now she has all the privacy she needs. She also knows that if I have a good reason to suspect she's doing drugs or other worrisome behaviors, I will snoop. Kids who do things there parents don't want them to do will lie, so just asking isn't the answer.
Regarding cell phones: She has one, but it's a pre-paid and it's for emergencies only. If she has reason to call a friend, she tells me and pays for it herself...and those aren't cheap minutes. With a cell phone I don't worry when she's off walking the dogs or otherwise alone, and she also likes the security. She had it at a park once and a man started acting suspicious, so she called me and kept talking as she hurried home.
I know my daughter is very open with me because she volunteers the things she does on computer. When I walk by the computer she never does the quick minimizing thing or anything that would worry me. And she's that way with the rest of her life.
I teach her how to go online responsibly. She doesn't "talk" to strangers who IM her out of the blue, but she does get involved in teen chat rooms...but never uses her real name or gives out personal info. She knows it's not a very smart thing to do.
I have shown my daughter through example how to be trustworthy, and so far she has done nothing to betray my trust.
Absolutely we should spy. Our jobs as parents are to keep our kids safe. I have a 13 year old and a few years ago I found out that she was getting on to www.adultfriendfinders.com and had 21 responses. I made an appointment with the FBI and they had a "chat" with her about the dangers of technology and the internet.
If that's what I have to do to keep my child safe, that's what I'll do. She won't have any privacy rights if she's dead!
Somebody forgot the good old days and meaning of "family" with one television (if you were lucky), one telephone (party line, no doubt), and maybe one bedroom with multiple bodies in it. If you were really lucky there may have been the boy's room and the girl's room, and the parent's may have had a room to themselves. You did not have a need to worry about privacy because you were not doing anything that required it. You say you recall that scenario and did not like it? You say that you swore it would be different for your kids? Then embrace that and you have adopted the new meaning of "family" with every person for themself and suffer the consequences. Common viewing space is the safe place for computer conversations. The communication mediums today are not the communication mediums of yesteryear so the monitoring was different. It still happened. I can guarantee you that my momma sure knew my every move and I absolutely hated the tattle tail neighbors! Now I appreciate that they helped to keep me straight and safe. With all the new communication gadgets, you best quit talking about your youngun's privacy and make sure you know what is up 24/7! If there is nothing to hide then they should have no problem with that. They need to be reminded that they are the children, not the parents; that they are a part of a "family" and as such you are responsible to them, the law, and society to see to it that they are monitored and groomed and prepared for the real world. Further, that their room is space alloted to them in YOUR house; not their house! When they get so grown as to need all that 'privacy' then they are grown enough to be in their own place where they can have all the privacy they want.
A responsible parent who has been watching knows long before the teen years if a child is trustworthy or not... If the child has shown to be trustworthy, then leave his personal things alone... however, if he/she has not been trustworthy, then knowing what/where they go becomes incumbent on the parent to protect not only the child but also yourself. This from one who has raised 5 daughters, 2 sons, and 2 grandchildren...
I was raised in a home where children had no rights. I don't think that's a good approach. I give my children some privacy. Computers however are in an open family area. They know to ask before they go to certain websites and if that rule is not followed they lose computer privileges. My 9 yr old son has asked for a cell phone. I think it's totally unneccesary for children until perhaps they're an older teen who has a job and can help pay the bill. As for snooping, I don't do it, my kids are still very young and homeschooled so they are rarely out of my site. If they are with a friend, the friend's parent(s) is with them too. My daughter has a diary with a lock on it, I let her keep it private. I keep an open and honest relationship with them and let them know that there isn't anything in the world they can't discuss with us. I've had some very good discussions with my children.
Coming from the other side of the issue though, I remember as a child snooping in my mom's diary. She wrote a lot in code but some of it I could read. It was during a time when my parents were having a very strained relationship. I knew I shouldn't have touched her book, but after reading it I understood her better and tried to improve my behavior. There were a few times when my parent's approach did keep me safe. I think if you know your child well, the decision on whether to spy or not will be easy to make. Each child is different.
If you have done a good job of rearing your children to know JESUS, His Father, and the Holy Spirit, from day one, they will have a clear knowledge and understanding of right and wrong. Then they will mostly exercise good judgement and behavior. Even so, no one is perfect, and they are subjected to foolish peer pressures and temptations, frequently, and continue to need help.
Parents are(should be), in charge, necessarily, to be the authority in the family. This authority is often wrongly challenged, especially in families without God. Parents owe their children a good, and Godly rearing, ant children owe parents their life, allegiance, and obedience (excepting some extenuating circumstances). Teenage rebellion can be peaceably worked through by parents and their children in a Christ centered family.
Since parents are in charge they have a 'need to know' their children's lives inside and out. By the same token, children should want their parents to know all they can, about their lives.
Parents and children together in JESUS, and His way, is the one best way. There inexperience, selfishness, and aloneness, do not take over.
It is absolutley OK to spy, providing you don't get caught. If you're not smart enough to spy without being caught, you really need to get serious about parenting. You do get to start out at some point with a child who knows nothing about computers or cars, etc. so you should be able to get ahead of the game at that point and then hang on to your lead! None of the reasons in the "Con" column will stand the test of time. And the REAL bottom line is how you will feel when your child is found to have been doing something really wrong or dangerous and all of society, and your own conscience, ask, "where were the parents?"
Oh, and by the way, I don't know that the argument that surviving stupid or dangerous activities when we were kids ourselves, ("and WE didn't turn out so bad...") really carries much water. 1. Maybe you aren't as "good" as you think you are... 2. Maybe you were just damn lucky, or it wasn't your time yet, or whatever. 3. Again, try that argument on yourself as you're at your daughters bedside after a week of coma after the car accident that may take her life or leave her brain dead or parylized for the rest of her "adult" life. Kids are kids, and they need to be monitored, all the way to adulthood. It doesn't take a village, just 2 smart, involved and caring parents who aren't afraid to do their jobs at the expense of being popular with "kids". Who cares what kids think? That's why we call them "kids", and why they're not allowed to do a lot of adult things. THey're not ready yet!
Signed,
Dad of 2 teen girls, & related to one in a coma for 4.5 months.
If you seek, you shall find. Whether it be what you are looking for or not, and, when you do find it... what do you do with it? Can you handle the truth? In terms of parenting, I wouldn't explicitly know what it's like (19 yr old male, university student). But, as a child, my parents let my space be my space. It was my responsibility to keep my room clean, they never would go in there unless they had to grab something like the phone, or had my permission. It could be that I was extremely fortunate to have a very understanding set of mentors, because they let me make my choices, and also made me deal with the consequences. They would be there for advice, but never tell me exactly what to do, they left the onus on me. I couldn't imagine, having a child, and snooping in their room, and invading their privacy... how would you feel if they were constantly trying to get into your personal belongings/life? People make mistakes, it's a huge part of the learning experience. And plus, making a few mistakes here and there, and learning the hard way is a good way to build character. There seems to be a trend of teens with an extremely poor work ethic/general attitude cause they have been brutally pampered.
I am 38 years old, when I was a child I didn't have PRIVACY. I didn't have a cell phone, I didn't even have my own room and didn't know what a computer was. My parents TRUSTED me because they had no reason not to trust me. Now, though, times are different children are different. Now you must at least be aware of what your children are doing, who they are with, who they are talking too and even what they are wearing to school and into public places.
All computers in my home are in common areas, no child in my home under the age of 19 has a cell phone nor will they, because there is NO need for a nine year old to have a cell phone. No child leaves the house without the proper MODEST clothing on his or her body. I don't have a problem letting a teenager drive UNTIL that trust is broken, and once it is there are consquences, including but not limited to loss of driving priviledges for a particular set amount of time or worse lose of keys, drivers license and any vehicle until they are 21 years old.
There is no profane music in the house all music is subject to screening if something comes in that does not meet my standards, then all music is locked up, no phone or radio or cd's for a week or more.
Sorry but I live by the saying "garbage in, garbage out." If you give them an inch they will take a mile.
Spy on children MOST CERTAINLY a parent NEEDS to spy.
YES, Unfortunatley in this world you have NO CHOICE!!! DRUGS are out there and being used by kids you would never think of using them. SAVE THEIR LIVES!!!!! DRUG ADDICTION is for the rest of their lives and it may be a short one.
Technology is too fast for us boomers...BE ALERT PARENTS & talk with your children, know their friends and their friends parents, know where your kids are going and who they are going with. Be good role models, let them know what you will NOT tolerate!!
Too many of our children are getting involved with porno on the computers, too many of our children are getting addicted to drugs. WHAT ARE WE DOING?
It really is ridiculous for those of us past 35 to compare the dangers of our childhood to the dangers faced by our children today. Pedophiles have unheard of access to our children and to each other thanks to the internet. We did not need cell phones because there were payphones on the street and most grocery stores and gas stations. We could walk around the corner or to the neighborhood store without worrying about being snatched. Older children know more about sex and sex is acceptable at a lot younger age. You have to protect your children. The world has changed but kids are kids and parents still need to be parents.
Been here. Done that. Yes, we spied on our kids and I'm both glad we did and sorry we did. We found one of our children was doing some really bad stuff. I turned the child in to the police. That event helped to change the child's life for the positive. They had some serious consequences to pay and it really cost them, but in the long run, it saved them from further self-destruction.
And to the blogger who thinks that raising kids to believe in Jesus their whole life is the ticket to kids staying on the straight and narrow, I would say this: Teens rebel. Our kids have been raised in church their whole lives by two Christian parents. Their father was an assistant pastor. Their mother a church secretary. Doesn't always work out the way you think it will, no matter how much godliness the kids are exposed to. Is that the best way to go? ABSOLUTELY! Is it guaranteed? NO WAY! My Bible says this: "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Well, our kids are just now getting old and coming around to the faith they were introduced to as a child. Takes a lot of prayer to rear children. But parents need to not bury their heads in the sand either!
I have 4 children, ages 24, 16, 16 and 13. Technology is very different now than when my oldest was a teen. We have open conversations with them and their friends (the friends are usually the ones to initiate) regarding dating, parties, sex, etc. Whether my kids feel comfortable or not with the conversation, their friends talk openly and I tell them what I went through, and if I don't do that, I offer suggestions for them to protect themselves. My younger kids all have a myspace, and I occassionally view their web page, as well as their friends. I want to see what kinds of kids they are attracted to, and what they do to attract them. Occassionally I see their text messages, coming in and going out. I never say anything to them about what I see, but if I am concerned about something, I will ask their friends if they are having problems in any areas, and the friends are always more than willing to tell me what ever is going on, even though they wouldn't tell their own parents! So discussion are often based on my concerns from what I have seen, or what their friends have told me. I usually ask their opinion regarding the subject matter, and I know if they are being honest. Respect is the most important character I would like to give them and for them to give me. I don't judge them ever and they know it. I work with them as they learn to correct mistakes - as I have made them to and continue to make them.
To Spy or Not to Spy??? I have 2 teenage girls and this is a question I ask myself alot. I listen alot...I often hear things that are a little surprising but not truly worrisome, yet. I don't eavesdrop..or snoop in their rooms, or read their emails. They have great manners, show respect for others and themselves. I know I have taught them right from wrong and I trust them, and so far their judgement. But they are just teens and they think they know it all, this is scary. The biggest reason for wanting to spy would be to protect them from the weirdo's on the internet (it's like an open door)
I currently mother a teenage son. He is 17, very soon to be 18. I agree with two of the comments posted, 1) you will know long before the teen years if a child/teen is trustworthy, 2) spy away, it is our job as parents to minimize the consequences while they are manageable.
Sadly, we no longer live in a world where kids get to go out in the neighborhood and play for hours, where families sit down at the same time for a meal, where nieghbors know their neighbors, where people go to Church, where social circles are consistent.
We know that the brain does not "fully" develope until age 25.
I believe parents need to spy.
Oh please, how paranoid are some of you people? I am a early-twenty-year-old university student. Yes, I've done some stupid things, but, you know what? Because of the level of trust built over the years between my parents and I, I told them about 99 percent of them...not years later when possible punishment didn't exist, but WHEN THEY HAPPENED. Your job as parents, after a certain point in time, is NOT keeping us safe. Your job is giving us the tools to make our own good choices, letting go to let us practice them, and learn from our mistakes. I live several hours from home, and I have managed over the past year and a couple of months since moving to be a responsible adult. Yes, even as an . My father, who I used to see as overprotective (until I found out about the technological spying business), will be the first person to tell you that I am old enough to make my own choices. You may be afraid that your kids will do something stupid. The truth is, they probably will. However, there comes a point in time whenever you have to let go and let them learn from their own mistakes. As I said, I haven't ALWAYS made the best choices. I've put myself into a few dangerous situations, but...I am alive and well. I am in the Honors Program, working on two BAs at once (one in government and German and the other in English with a professional writing specialization and a history minor), and manage to have a normal social life, which includes a guy who is a fellow honors student and has complete respect for me and all that I am. I do not drink, not because I believe that it is morally wrong (because I do not, as long as drunk individual doesn't try to operate a vehicle), but because I am trying to maximize my chances of making it to the end of my degree plan. I make good choices because my parents taught me how to do so and because when I did screw up, they let me learn from my own stupidity. Oh, and believe me, you will not prevent your teenage driver from having fender-benders because you put a black box in the car. Believe me, I had a few in high school. Oh, by the way, to the religious fanatic: I'm also Agnostic, and I've had friends raised in "good, Christian homes" who went wild in college because their parents sat on them too much in high school. Religion has very little to do with it.
Anyone who so desires can contact me at apachehorse2005@aol.com for further dicussion.
I'm with Jash on this. My son turns two this month. I didn't have internet or a cell phone when I was growing up (I still don't have a cell phone). My phone calls were ten minutes long in the kitchen and were monitored for my safty. When I learned how to drive I was 23 and married. I'm not ashamed of these things. My parents kept a tight leash on me and my brothers, mostly because of my big brother though. I was sheltered, yes, but I was safe. I'm 27 today and I couldn't be happier with the way my parents raised me and I never felt my privacy was invaded. They told us from get go that the reason why they took such strict measures was because they loved us. My son MIGHT have a cell phone but me and my husband with be the only callers and it'll be one of those phones with the GPS trackers. By free will or no, if my kid is in a place he shouldn't I want to know about. it.
I am like a few who say it depends on the circumstances. I have a DD, who is now 18, and if it weren't for our "snooping"; she may very well not be with us today.
It happened about 4 years ago (she was 14). It was after midnight. We were waiting for her to get home; wondering how long she would be gone this time. My husband got on the roof of our house and waited. He saw her with 3; count them 1-2-3 OLDER guys; maybe 18-20. What could these guys possibly want with a 14 year old girl? And no, she is not one of those ones who could pass for older. She 18 now and people think she's 16.
Thanks to our SNOOPING she's here today; out of trouble (YES!), graduating early and attending college!
I have two daughters who are now 22 and 27 -- thankfully we all survived the teen years. I didn't "spy" on them, but looking back on it I wish I had done more. Now that they're grown I'm finding out all the things they did when they were younger that makes me really cringe.
The younger one thought she should be able to do whatever the older one did at pretty much the same time. Of course it was forbidden. Only now do I find out that many nights she snuck out of the house, onto a dark path through woods to meet friends to drink, smoke pot, etc.
I worked at home, was very involved with my children's lives, and also very trusting. I didn't do things I was told not to do and "assumed" my children were the same -- WRONG.
Luckily we moved across the country when my younger daughter was a freshman in high school -- I'm convinced that saved her life. It was not an easy move and she hated us for it at the time. Now she realizes we were right, and it was a wise move. Several of the kids she ran around with are dead; a few others served time in jail.
I didn't snoop, but maybe if I had, I could have stopped some of the behavior. As I said, thank God they made it through those years!
I will say, now that they're older we are great friends and as others have said, I can ask and they'll tell me anything -- sometimes things I really don't want to hear!! But to all parents of teens -- hang in there. This too shall pass!
WE ARE PARENTS NOT FRIENDS. I do not call it spy but supervision. I have all the right to know if my child is entering into a situation that will harm himself. Yes, when that parental sixth sense brings an alarm I get into action. Thanks to that my child is doing well because he has being corrected IN TIME. PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN LAMENTATION.
I have two children. My oldest daughter is 23 and my youngest son is 14.
My daughter is learning disabled. She likes the idea of GPS so that we can always find her cell phone. As an adult who is 100% supported by her parents, she has privacy rights. Out contract with her is that as long as we support her through college she must relinquish certain "rights".
With our 14 year old, we talked together about the alternatives about of the GPS on the cell phone. We discussed our desire to know where he is in case of an emergency versus being having "Big Mother" watching him. He decided that he would rather have GPS and we know where he is versus being ragged on for not calling. Plus, if he looses his phone maybe with GPS we can find it rather than a replacement being taken out of his allowance.
The internet is more difficult. With preditors in chat rooms, my son and his friends turn suspicious "weirdos" in to the chat room monitors immediately. No discussion. They have had to turn in too many weirdos. We believe that this is a real threat.
With respect to IM, we have chosen to fight certain battles and not others. To use profanity is minor compared to saying something really stupid ie. threatening, bigotted, or inappropraitely sexually explicit.
My son and I both agree that he will do stupid things. I want him to learn and grow from the experience rather than be hurt long term.
One of the privacy infringments that has not been discussed is listening in on the kids with the intercom. My sons friends did not like it initially. Now they deliberately say statements they know will inflame me. I yell "I heard that!" they now respond with "Just checking".
Our parenting philosophy has been communication in all phases of parenting. This has lead to more concrete structures for the family and far less conflict. Privacy ( and other "rights") have never been a "right" in our family but a responsibility to be earned.
My 15yr old has a cell phone so I can find out where to pick him up and since one day several months ago, when I called and called and he didn't answer I grew suspicious. Finally on the tenth call he answered and I heard his friends in the background. I asked where he was and was told by the river but he wouldn't tell exactly where so I could pick him up. I told him his friends better bring him home now and I meant it. 20 minutes later when he was dropped off I found out they were smoking pot and that my son had been for about six months. Once the trust is broken, it is next to impossible to get it back. I grounded him and told him if I ever found out again he would be grounded through high school. I am always suspicious now and don't know how else to handle it. I know he resents it and communication is difficult because I don't know if everything he tells me is a lie. I monitor his whereabouts more closely but am afraid he could be doing things behind my back when I relax a little. I have a computer in the living room where I can see what he's doing but he is on My Space constantly and I can't see exactly what he is typing and I also shut off the computer if I leave (he doesn't know my password). My oldest son was in constant trouble growing up and it has made me watch my youngest son closely. I hope this gets better.
Privacy is about expecting people not to barge-in when you have your pants down. Not looking the other way as they do whatever they want to do. I respect my son's physical privacy -- even at 19 and a college athlete he's pretty modest. But as long as he's under my roof, I expect to know where he's going, when he'll be back, and who he is with. Interestingly enough, I give him the same information. I never run out the door without telling him where I'm going and when to expect me back! We're a family and we have dinner together, watch movies together, and pretty much expect to be at home together outside of school and work. Isn't that just common courtesy? Every family I've ever seen, with teenagers whining about privacy, I see huge respect issues. Sassy, mouthy kids and parents who are too lazy to have every disciplined them. I have a respectful, responsive son because I taught him respect when he was a baby. The problem is not just with teenagers, it is with discipline and irresponsible parenting in general. BTW, I'm not above spying and he knows it. However, I have never had to resort to it.
If a parent stumbles upon their teenager's diary - one reason they would not read it is that they are afraid to supervise. Supervision has a healthy level. The contents of this diary could either be Good, Bad or none of the above.
Who, in this world, is the parent waiting for to know and work with the teenager on the contents of the diary - the police?, the teacher?, the pastor?.
Very unfortunately, the police, the teacher or the pastor have learned to do their JOB safely and go home SAFELY to their own families, leaving the teenagers enthrusted to them to succeed or fail by chance. Should they be blamed? NO.
Should a teenager and society derive any benefit from the fact that the teenager has an adult - a parent - in their life? Should the teenager benefit from the fact that the parent has seen more days?
On the other hand, how stupid would a parent be, if after reading the diary goes and tells the teenager that they read their diary/e-mail - knowing that the teenager considers the diary private?
Not all parents are smart - granted. There are good parents and there are bad parents - snooping/non-snooping has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Neither a snooping parent nor a non-snooping parent has a corner on virtue.
The parent who has a corner on this virtue is the parent who collects the right information to help their teenager grow up properly - and growing up properly includes growing up with a healthy level of supervision and trust for family members.
Is it possible for a parent to snoop on their teenager and retain their trust? - absolutely.
I wish I could be my children's friend and to prove I am one, make out with my husband in the same room the way many of them do with their friends.
Unfortunately I am a parent. This means I guide, lead, mould, help, support and nurture my children. That places a different set of responsibilities on me. And one such responsibility is that however progressive, modern, with it or whatever other term I like to describe myself, I do not mislead my children into following those paths that would endanger them or compromise their ability to be the kind of adults that they are intrinsically capable of .
Shorn off a lot of big words, it really means that even if I am a drug addict---thank God I am not---it is my job to ensure that my kid is clean, makes it to the top business school, consciously makes lifetime choices that would be lasting, such as a lasting marriage, and has his/her own share of fun and responsibilities.
I am no great lover of peeping over my child's shoulder all the time---but if I have to put a dog collar on him/her to walk the reasonably right path (now please don't argue with me what is right, I am sure even the most deranged of us can agree on some basics), then I will do it. It is better toIt's as simple as that.
Oh, by the way, those of you who talk of your child not violating a trust---how do you know? There are so many adults around us who will tell you how many times they managed to con their parents. How do you know your kid is not one of them?
It is better to supervise than to regret later.
Cheers
J
I'm a single mom of a 16 year old, and I wish I could be everywhere with my son-or not! There are lots of disadvantages to being a single mom-the biggest being that, no matter how good a mom I am, I make a lowsy Dad-,but one big up-side is that we are very close; we talk about eveything. Everything. Including this topic. Chris can see how it might be attractive to make use of these techno-leashes; he hates it when he can't get ahold of me, and understands being fearful for a child or loved one's safeety, but yeah, he would resent my looking over his shoulder all the time, too. So we talk about this all the time, and we've come up with some ways we can both use what we have without going over-board, including having an agreement over "signals" with our cell-phones. He has been grateful on several occasions when my hourly check-ins while he is at events with friends have enabled him to bale out of a situation that was beginning to feel uncomfortable, as well as let me know when something has turned out to be much less scary than we had both anticipated. We both think that some kind of GPS would be cool for when Chris doesn't know exactly where he is. He doesn't drive yet, and is often in the back seat going places (with one of the 3 kids he's allowed to drive with-all agreed upon by him!)
Your best bet , at least in my experience, is to keep talking with-not preaching to-your child, get over the word "trust" and address the real issue, which is experience, or lack there-of, and respect the work you have already done while bringing up your child. Do whatever you can to avoid an adversarial relationship, and you can just forget the game-playing. That's not what we're here for!
AND BE HONEST when they ask-hey, did you ever-smoke cigarettes, reefer, do other drugs, drink at parties. If you're not honest, they'll find out sooner or later, and then you've just blown it. If you are honest, you open the door to further discussion, and continued openess.
Skip the emotionally laden words like spying. Parents have responsibility to teach, nurture, protect, and provide for kids. Teaching includes setting parameters, teaching what is acceptable, teaching standards, setting foundation, etc., so when the child grows up, s/he can choose for her/himself. When a little child goes outside the house, the parent had better monitor where, with whom, when. Knowing with whom your older child is hanging out, where they go, etc., continues to help you help kids grow up. Setting rules relating to chat rooms, monitoring computer usage (internet is great, but can also become destructive - put the computer where it can be readily viewed) - we told kids before hand that we would install S/W to allow monitoring, and explained why. Then 2 wks later we did. Kids can develop alter egos on line, then parents wonder where certain behaviors come from. Scams that prey on kids can be deadly. We try to keep wild animals, mud, disease, criminals out of house, we try to protect kids - monitoring what they do, to know if additional teaching or listening is indicated is part of parenting in this technology driven space. Open and frank discussions (according to their capabilities) with them as to the whys and wherefores can help build them up, better understand who they are, know limits, and alleviate some of the intense group pressure they can feel.
I am a few years away from being the mom of several teens. I think kids need some privacy ie a diary. My children do not and will not have a television or computer in thier room and there is therefore no "expectation" of privacy on the family ones. GPS for your vehicle is a good way to make all household drivers(including my husband and I) more aware. By the way many people are putting GPS tags in thier pets--nobodies dog is more important than my children!
I am a teen, and I can understand wanting to keep your child safe, but things like reading your child's diary, reading IMs, and other invasive stuff is going over the top. I personally think parents should trust their child until they give you a reason not to.
As a 21 year old in college and with a job that has numberous career opportunities from where its at... a fairly recent result of modern parenting...
My parents did just fine without these technological monitorings. It was the basic way they raised me: humored me and let me play soccer, do gymnastics, take horse-back riding lessons (not all at once, they came in phases). Whenever my mother chose to flip through the family computer to check the cache- she'd come to us and ask if it was something we'd actually navigated to, or if it was a cookie that had somehow lodged itself on the cpu. Either way- point being I didn't get a computer until the summer before college, and I see no reason why the current teens a few years behind me can't handle the same.
As for where I went and who I spent my time with... they got me a rather recognizable, old, slow first car when I turned 16, and restricted its use to to-and-from work, to-and-from school, and occasional weekend use if I asked politely and had good reason to use it.
They paid attention to my friends: talked with them, had access to their parent's home phone numbers in case they needed to track me down, little things that I knew damn well they COULD tap into my life more so if I gave them reason to. I chose to not give them reason, since I actually wanted to be welcome in my parent's house once I'd moved out and attended college.
I guess it was the sense of values that were instilled in me when I was younger, and the way my parents acted that I sought out the friends I did and let a few other nice-enough people who were more... adventursome in distructive ways not become incredibly close friends.
I don't think these technological gimics are necessary to effectively raise a model citizen. If you want a perfect child, or a child that ALWAYS chooses the right choices, you're setting yourself up for dissapointment. Choice is a necessity when your a teenager, and it gives you more satisfaction to know you are being trusted to make your own decisions.. and if you make a wrong one, the parents are there to help you out and suggest what could be done differently next time.
Being raised the way I was gave me my own beliefs on pre-marital sex and drugs and excessive partying. I decided it was better to wait til I moved out of the house to have sex: would I really want to risk living there and coming home one day to have to tell them I'm pregnant and hope for the best? At least if it were to happen now, I can still give them space and return to my own place. I had the same perspective on drugs and drinking: would I really want to put that burden on my parents to deal with a drunk and high daughter? not especially, though they couldn't help but laugh and share their precautious words of advice and criticism when hearing about it now that I'm out of the house (no, drugs aren't in my life, but drinking with the friends is, but we're responsable about it- goes back to fmaily and friend values).
I think the new gadgets are excessive in their monitoring skills. You want some independant decision making in your teenager that you as a parent can be proud of.
Why not have reciprocal integrity checks? My kids can see where I've been on the net and expect a random drug test on dad. I play it straight and they should have the right to call me on the same areas of scrutiny. In the military, the drill instructors excel at the skills they expect the younger (and more agile) recruits to master--and demonstrate it to them. It's called leadership by example. How about it fellow parents? Gerry.
I have always spied on my children (ages 32, 30, and 17). In doing so, I have found out things I needed to know. Did they like it? NO! But, it's my house, and they are my children. I found out that my teenage son was logging on to porn sites; that my daughter was in an unhealthy relationship with a boy; and that my other daughter (underage at the time) went out drinking with a police officer from our town! They are all good kids, but not perfect. I believe that it's a parent's responsibility to keep his/her children safe whenever possible. Spying on them helped me do that. My oldest daughter, who is a mother now, is much stricter than I was, so she will probably spy too - and more power to her!
My daughter is 12 and has just entered Jr High. She recently got involved with other kids who were into 'cutting' and started to do it, too. She also started talking about suicide, and exhibited some real behavioral problems at school. At that point, I started spying on her. I want to know if she's talking to people who are encouraging her to harm herself. I want to know who she is hanging out with. I even check in with her teachers once in awhile to ask how she's behaving in class. My daughter often comes home late, or doesn't go where she says she is going, and so for her safety and my peace of mind, I spy.
On the other hand, my son, who is 13, has earned my trust. He is always home by curfew and he makes sure that I have the phone numbers of all of his friends.
As my daughter earns my trust, I will give her more freedom, but until then I will be watching her very closely.
I have 2 daughters, one who is 14 and uses the computer on a regular basis, and has a cell phone. I periodically check her myspace to see what kind of comments others are leaving her. If there is something I don't agree with, either context or language, we talk about it, and she usually deletes the comment, and sometimes deletes the friend. My children are in church, and have a good group of friends, but there are always a few people out there I do not want her hanging out with, and I don't let her. I also check the archives on her yahoo and aol im account, and she know I do that. I let her know that I will randomly "snoop". I also think its ok to snoop if your child is acting different, i.e. rebellious, defiant, etc. Sometimes there may be something going on with them that you need to know about. Snooping out of love is not a bad thing. They are after all children, and it is our responsibility to keep them on track. With all the peer pressure out there, that can be difficult, and sometimes they may get mad, but its their best interest we have at heart.
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I am 20 years old so I just got out of being a teen and am a mom. i understand all the nervousness parents go through with their children but sometimes parents can take it too far. i thought i had earned my mom trust by telling her where I'll be. She knew where my closest friends lived and their numbers. My friends were the kids of her church friends. But still she snooped even while I was there I find her looking through my drawers and reading my address book. So I rebeled. It killed me so I did pretty much everything she didn't want me to do. I still kept my dignity though. My advice is TRUST first. If you see something that worries you then TALK and ask direct questions. Still getting the run around then snoop but set limits for yourself as how far your willing to go.
I am 23 and have a one year old, and I figure that as much as I resented my parents' meddling, he'll resent mine, and that the best bet for everyone is openness and honesty and a healhty dose of messing with his head. I was told once just to randomly walk up and say "I know. Just so you know, I know." And don't react when they start confessing, talk about it later.
Yes, I snoop and I feel that I am doing the right thing. My children have no idea that I know as much as I do, let a lone how I know what I know. I always tell them that I learn things from other parents. I have access to all of their computer activities and can read all of their Instant Messenger communications. In this day and age it is very difficult to get to know all of your childs friends or anything about their families. I have been able to learn more about the children that my kids are hanging out with. This knowledge has helped me to discourage some friendships where the other child was into regular underge drinking and even drug use. On one occassion I even learned that a girls mother was smoking marajuana with her sisters friends at a party in their home. I have also been able to derailed the plans of teenagers attemping to have unsupervised parties. As a parent I feel responsible for not only my children but their friends as well and I would appreciate it if other parents cared as much too. Unfortunately there are parents out there with very poor judgement, I know what I did as a teen, but my parents didn't make it easy for me, unlike some parents today that actually provide liquor to their teenagers and their friends. That's just wrong.
As others commented, I've already been through this. My daughters are now 26 and 29 and, believe me, it really depends on the child. My 29 year old always spoke openly and confided in me. But my 26 year old was very secretive and rebelious. Both her sister and I "gently" spied on her and had we not, she may not be here with us today, as we discovered some very unsavory characters preying on her and who are now in jail for numerous criminal activities. Who knows a child better than h/her parents and even siblings? Every child shows signs of whether or not they will be responsible on their own or whether they will need a great deal of supervision. You absolutely must spend much time with each child to know who that child really is.
I thought this was interesting and I have read through everyone's comments and/or experiences and wanted to comment.
My daughters are 28, 27, 26 & 17. I always told my daughters if they left anything out in plain view I would read it. I told them if they gave me reason to be suspicious, I would go in there room when they were not home and look around. My husband didn't like the idea for a long time but now after my daughter (17) has gotten into some trouble, he too will look around. For him, at the time, it was her private space. To me it was she has her private space when she pays the rent up until then it is ours. Though she is allowed a room to decorate within limits. I have gone into my daughter's room before looking for notes or anything else when I've been suspicious and I'm usually glad I did.
The cellphones with the tracking device is a good idea for when your child is missing and you have no idea where they are or they are late not to just check on them if they are away from you, aren't you trying to build trust or show that you trust them to make good decisions away from you or give them the opportunity to make good choices? So I say if you can afford it and can control the urges to constantly check up on them for no reason go for it.
Computer privacy - did she pay for that or the internet service - NO =
No privacy. She has a computer curfew and it has parental control. When she gets her own computer she can go where ever she would like. So yes I would look at what she has been looking at on the computer.
Driving- my 17 year old daughter does not have her license. Our rule with the other three was when you are old enough and responsible enought to drive and can pay insurance this is when you get your license. Since we only have one daughter at home now it has been modified to when you are responsible enough and are going to school everyday. This daughter has done a lot of irresponsible things and has broken trust. She is building this trust back up and going to school regularly so she is close to getting her license.
Lastly keeping close tabs on our children depends on the children and good old common sense(although I know common sense isn't all that common anymore) Trust and go with your gut feelings.
The theme of all of these comments seems to be about trusting your children. What about the children who get in to trouble that has nothing to do with their actions. close friends of mine had a sitution where the next door neighbor molested 2 of thier children for years and were only able to find out about it by spying on the younger one. The younger one acted out and had more emotional issues, but the older one suffered years of abuse and no one ever knew. The older one had evidence of the abuse (notes) the same as the younger child. But his parents never monitored his communications because he never gave them a reason to.
Yes, this is a horrible tragedy...but it happens more often than you know. I hate to think about it having a 1 year old, but sometime things happen to kids not because they are untrustworthy but because they are vulnerable. My mother used to say that she trusted me wholeheartedly, it was other people that she did not trust. My mother was a victim of molestation within our family so she had good reason not to trust people. when kids are ashamed they ususally try to hide things and preditors know that. "Spying" can help to protect them from their vulnerabilites. understanding the reasons my mother watched over me made me happy that she did it. I hope that the same will be true for my children.
I have raised 4 sons ...now 22 to 17, and my objective has always been to create "good decision makers". We are mutually respectful of each other's privacy, but I did resort to snooping when they were in middle school .. especially as they learned to use the computer and were establishing their peer groups. (The key is not to over-react when you read their internet history).
Computer usage should be monitored until you are sure they "get it" and they are old enough to recognize dangerous sites. A Teen needs access to the computer for homework, studying, and chatting online with friends. (The latter activity should be time-limited,by mutual agreement, for young teens and no chatting with people they do not know. Our rule was "if you can't give me the kid's real name and phone number... you don't know him/her well enough to chat"). We started out with a family computer in the family room. You can monitor who they are chatting with without actually reading their private chat. My sons had private computers as seniors in high school, if they had earned the money to purchase one. If the younger teens access "porn" or illegal music sites, then I turn off the wireless network for a week or two .. for everyone. There is alot of peer pressure to comply with my rules. It usually happened once with each teen, and then they learn to be pretty careful.
I made sure my sons were involved in sports, music, scouts, church youth group, camping, fishing, and community service projects. We had high standards for their school performance. I have retired my spy-games, for the most part, but I do check their grades online, and talk to their teachers, and their friends. It is my job to catch them doing things right, and I try hard to compliment their decisions and performance more often than I criticize. I try to be The Good Mom and LISTEN to their interpersonal challenges and let them vent frustration, and think thru options for resolution. We only interfere if an adult advocate is needed ... or we suspect a situation could get out of control. I would not read a private diary or snoop through drawers, without cause.
My sons had to "earn the right" to take on the responsibility of driving our cars and having a cellphone and having access to the internet. They had to demonstrate responsible decision-making and behavior. We live in a semi-rural area, where the temp drops below minus 10 degrees in the winter, so a cell phone is an essential survival tool here. They each have a "minute budget" amount each month, and must reimburse me if they exceed it. I have all 900-numbers blocked on our house & office phones. Everyone has a budget for gas, and in my state, there is a curfew for driving teens, so we've been fortunate. I am very strict about curfews, even for the college age kids. They have a cell phone, and have no excuse for not calling to let me know where they are and when they will be home. I am fortunate to have a "parent grapevine" that keeps me informed of parties, dates, dances, and after-sports activities. There are times when I have to say "no, you can't go to that party just because I don't trust the parents". My sons are responsible because they have had to be .. and sometimes that means they fail, or make a mistake or do something stupid. "What did you learn here?" is our favorite question.. and keeps nasty blaming words out of the conversation. Remember, give them opportunities to stretch, and grow, and fail when they are younger ...and help them to learn from their mistakes. Example:If you child gets a speeding ticket .. give him consequences in addition to the penalites of law. Don't allow him to transport more than one person at a time, until he's been driving independently for at least one year. Don't let him talk on his cell phone and drive at the same time.(And test that!)
Get to know his friends and their parents. Make them comfortable bringing kids home to "hang out". Provide the home that their friends can have fun, and are safe at .. and well fed.. and can watch DVDs, but make sure everyone knows your rules. You will know if your child is trustworthy before he/she reaches the teen years. Don't over-react to minor failures and setbacks. Don't let other people (coaches, teachers, grandparents) put inappropriate levels of pressure and performance expectations on your child ... make sure their responsibilities are "age appropriate" so they can feel successful,and they can know your pride .... and Love 'em more than they want.
P.S. Facebook makes me a little nervous. The newer internet technology presents a few additional challenges that younger parents will need to deal with. Please remind your teenager that anything he or she writes on the internet Facebook is permanent! and can be seen by college admissions offices and future employers.
I say spy, spy, spy!! I agree with those who said it is my house, I pay the bills, they are my kids and not old enough to make adult decisions, therefore it is my right, my responsibility to know what is going on... come on... you don't have to tell them you looked!! You can use the information though to know what to talk about! And my parents did the same thing. The parents that say they won't invade their kids' privacy haven't had bad teen-ager situations that caused them heartache. Once you do, you'll understand.
I think this kind of intensive surveillance is too damaging to the parent-child relationship. You have to establish firm limits well before a child becomes a teen, so that they already have some self-control. If your teen is untrustworthy, you'll need to keep them home more, not spy on them. Trust has to be developed, and the use of these technologies will get in the way more than help. I never read my sons' mail or personal messages. I respect their privacy and expect them to respect mine. I do keep close track of what they're doing, who they're with, and where they are. I walk by and check what's on their screen, but I wouldn't go digging for browsing history unless there was reason to believe there was a problem. Of course, each situation is different, and what's right for us might not be appropriate for everyone.
Being a mother of three teen-agers, I don't have the technology mentioned in this article. However, I myself have something even better than this technology: friends and fellow mothers at church and school with whom a network is made to keep an eye out for each others' children. My children know that they couldn't get away with anything, so they usually don't try to.
Many parents have quit being parents.They put their children on an equal playing field. I don't think children should be spied on, I think that they should know upfront that the history on computers and the history on cell phone calls will be monitored. After all, those items belong to the adults and they are allowing them to be used by the child. The child has no privacy rights on items that they didn't pay for and that they do not own. That is an adult privilege and minor dependent children are not adults.
I am another been there, done that and it has been very interesting to read all these comments. I was one of three daughters, mother of one son and grand of several grand-daughters and one grandson; I also gather that I am a great grand but will probably never meet that child. My mother was too busy working and keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table to spy on us. We more or less turned out ok. My son and I were a pair from the time he was about 10 so I had no need to spy since we did a lot of things together including dating (he actually got married the first time a good year before I married for the second time.) Even when we went in different directions, I more or less knew where he was and he knew where I was and could get in contact with each other if necessary. Now that he has children and they all spend a lot of time in various extra curricular activities, there is almost always some family member with them. They do not have cell phones but they do have computer use with internet only on Mom's computer which is in the living room. They still have a few years to go before they start driving but I know that my son already knows which one will be more trust worthy than the others and I'm sure he will know the best way to deal with it when the time comes. I don't believe in spying on your children unless you have some strong indication that there is a problem developing in their lives.
The article is correct. We have all been there. Just think what you parents would have done if they had these things.
My Dad was a former MP and I knew very well how to hide what I was doing. When my two best friends got their first drug arrest - my parents defended me saying I'd never do that. That hurt me; my mom thought the best of me yet I was getting just as bad. I stopped at that moment!
My six year old has access to the internet at school. He is using MS office in first grade for some of his work. There is nothing wrong with our children being on the internet but there is something wrong with us not looking over their shoulder. As far as driving I will do the same as my parents; trust. When he breaks that trust I will begin setting limits. If we do not let them make decisions as children they will not be good at it when they are adults. Do you want a 30 year old child moving back in with their children because of bad decisions?
My daughter is only 6 but we are setting precedents now so as she gets older and has more privileges she will be responsible for her choices or she gets privileges taken away. We are doing that now with the few privileges that she has. As far as spying, it may not need to go that far. If your child knows that a “surprise inspection” could happen at any time that is just as effective as actually spying or having all these monitoring devises and it doesn’t damage the trust between parent and child. I knew that at any moment my parents could show up where I was supposed to be just to see if I was there. They wrote down the mileage from the car before I took it out to see how many miles I put on it and I had to account for 100 miles one evening. I understood that my parents trusted me, they were just keeping me honest.
We have 4 kids, but the oldest is only 9, so my opinion may change in the next several years!
We know privacy is important, but privacy FROM who, and WHY are good questions to know the answers to. Our daughter has a journal, and knows that her brother is not allowed to read it. My husband and I, however, are. It does not mean that we WILL read it, but leaves open the right for us to (and she's okay with this if we do). As she turns 10, we will change the rule to us not reading it UNLESS we feel there's somthing going on that we might not know about. Good parenting says you use other, more open ways of communicating with your child first, to help foster an open relationship. However, usually children who have something to hide don't want to risk getting in trouble... but if they're doing things that are getting them in trouble, don't parents have the responsibility to help them through that?? (This includes teaching them to realize what they did wrong, how to make it better for next time, and making it right- this can include punishments!)
I think kids need to realize that there are not many "rights" they have as children (other than basic needs like safety, shelter, food/water, etc.). Kids want all the rights of grown ups, without the responsibilities, and that's dangerous and irresponsible. Parents are meant to help a child learn to make correct choices, correct bad onces, and learn the responsibilities that come with the rights, so they can develop into productive members of society. How can we (as parents) teach them that if we don't know what's going on? Yes, I agree that your relationship with your child is VERY important, but remember it's a parent/child relationship, not necessarily a friend/friend relationship!
My husband and I have 5 kids ranging from 19 down to 10. Three years ago, we thought everything was fine. Our kids were good decent, church going people that would never cause us any real problems. WRONG!! The two oldest ones were found out to be leading a completely different life then we were aware of. They knew of each others secret lives, and mutually covered for each other. By the time we found out, it was a complete shock to our entire family. My daughter had a bad news boyfriend that she snuck out of school with to have sex in every unimaginable place in the city; bathrooms in restaurants, the creek, the community center. She was also smoking, drinking, and experimenting with drugs. She was buying Vodka in water bottles at school, and drinking in class!! It was being sold right under the teachers noses. We only found out because she was caught at the community center and was booked for leud and lusivious acts. After that happened we searched her room, her computer, her diary, her car, everythings that we could. We installed spyware on the computers, and her secret life was exposed. In my opinion, we saved her life. She had very dangerous plans that included running away with a gun she was trying to get, and living in Los Angeles as an exotic dancer. Our son, was into pornography and regularly turned off our blocker so that he could look at filthy sites. He would be able to disable it and get it back up running after he was done looking. We only found out about that after pop ups of porography started showing up all over our computers while we were using them, and we did a history search and found out that these awful sites were regularly visited. Our two oldest ones had to go through a lot of therapy and counciling, and are now doing much better. However, they still struggle with desires and bad dreams happen often as a result of the secret lives that they led. We believe that they were glad to be caught. They NEEDED to be caught. They were deeply enmeshed in these alternate lifestyles and we trusting parents were clueless. I advise that all parents spy on their kids, don't tell them you are, but do it. You may save them from their own destructive secret life some day. Our daughter right now, instead of being in college and dating a nice guy, could be strung out of a street somewhere in a back alley, stripping to keep up a habit that we could have stopped but didn't because we were CLUELESS. Keep that in mind as you try to tell me that we invaded our kids privacy. Our other three children were deeply hurt by their older siblings, and chances are good that they have learned from those mistakes that they won't do the same things. However, we regularly check where they have been on the computer. Spyware is not more expensive than the cost of losing your child to this corrupt world.
I would like to tell you all why exactly a teenager needs a cell phone. I feel its absolutely a safety necessity. Yes, there are phones that have their parents numbers only but when your parents are visiting a friend and you can only call your own house...what good is that? Teach your children responsibility by making them earn their minutes. Recently in the news a young girl was saved after being abducted because she had her cell phone. Think about that.
YOU are the parent! It is your job to protect them even from themselves. "Should you spy"? There is no such thing when it comes to our kids. Why did you have them in the first place? To let them hang around for 18+ years and just "Hope" everything turned out OK? I don't think so....we owe it to them to be there for them and protect them from harm including self-inflicted harm. I love my kids enough to be there parent, not their friend. After all they have enough friends.....how many parents do they have and do their friends care about them as we do?
I have 2 wonderful stepsons who are in their teens. They live with their mother. She believes in being their friend first and that just by loving them eveything will be okay. This has led to one dropping out of high school and the other is flunking all subjects.
Discipline is not in her vocabulary. Whenever she runs into trouble she threatens them with my husband. Neither child respects her & don't ever give her any inclination as to where they are going or what they are doing.
My husband and I keep up with what they are doing by watching their myspace webpages. Which the kids do not know that we know about. We know where they are, who their with and what to expect on weekends. It is how we found out that one of them got a speeding ticket. We never said anything, about knowing and reminded him to be careful on the road. We also reminded him that if he ever got a ticket and the insurance went up he would have to pay the difference. About a month later he told us about the ticket after he somehow got it thrown out and apologized and said that it wouldn't happen again. And so far, it hasn't. We know this because we order a copy of his driving record every other month. The vehicle is in our name, we pay for the insurance and give him an allowance. We have every right to that info.
They put the info on the web for all the world to see so I don't believe that it is spying. We don't go through their rooms looking for stuff or check their email or text messages and we don't search their vehicles. We read what they post for everyone else on the planet to see. It is fair game in my book. It has helped us to know what is going on in their minds and address issues that they are struggling with. In some ways, I believe we have a better relationship with them.
However, we wouldn't hesitate to put a GPS or black box in their vehicle IF they gave us reason to and they know that.
Some spying may be called for if your children break your trust. In the teenage years, trust breaking may come sooner than we'd like, but until it comes I believe communication is the key word. As Jash said, "Why does a teen need a cell phone," or a pager for that matter?
When growing up I was always very fortunate to have open communication with my parents. They let me talk about any and ALL problems or issues. I think this was a key ingredient to obtaining their trust. They'd leave for a weekend getaway to the beach or whate have you, and I'd be in charge of the house and animals, etc, etc. If I wanted to have friends over when they were away, I needed only to ask their permission (which was granted 98% of the time). Talking, talking, talking.....it's something "us guys" should do more of and worry less about "feeling dumb or it's a stupid question that'll get you in trouble." Nothing's stupid, your parents will attest to that.
Nuff' Said.
Have a good one,
Brian
It was made clear to the kids in our care, my husband and mine, that there are certain things they are to steer clear of on the internet. They're are two pc's in our home they have access to. Unfortunately, we learned that they were doing just what we told them not to. Even after having discussions and being restricted, we found inappropriate material on more than one occasion. We felt we had no choice but to put further restraints in place. They're time is limited for access as well as the sites. I would love to be able to trust them to do what they're told but experience has taught me that people rarely do what's expected. They're more apt to do when inspected.
I'm twenty nine stuck living with my parents because my grandma moved in. The other day my mom got into my stuff again because it is difficult to lock her out of my room. I don't even want to be here and I'm being forced to stay against my will and searched. She also gets angry over what she finds. Why should she? She has no right looking in the first place. If she does then she has no right getting upset. Of course I'm unhappy I'm stuck with a mom who doesn't respect my privacy in a situation I don't want to be in in the first place.
I believe you should respect your child's privacy until you have probable cause to suspect there may be something wrong with them. If their school performance suffers then you ask them if anything is wrong? Warn them you might conduct a search of their room if they don't either come clean or their grades aren't back where they were. Grades are an indicator that there might be a problem with drugs. So it's probable cause to investigate.
There is a difference between spying and searching. Even a cop has to get a warrant.The no unreasonable search and seizure was put into the constitution for a reason. It applies to children too regardless of age. The problem is if you search them without telling them your reason and giving them some chance to sort it out. Then they'll think they might as well act up be irresponsible also hide their stuff or lock it better because you aren't to be trusted.
I'm 29 I've never used illegals, never stole anything and have never done anything wrong. I do not want to live in this house and I never did but my mom snooping into my stuff makes me want to leave even more. I just do not trust her anymore.
I'd like to find a way to prevent her from entering my room. Everything is ok for like a week I forget and then she comes up with some other stupid problem. I have neither peace nor privacy and that's wrong.
Is there a law against intrusions of this nature? Could I have my mom arrested for tresspassing? I could if I had an apartment. I think it would be cool if I could have my mom arrested for trespassing. Or maybe sue her for harrassment.
What I want to do is smack her in the face and walk out the next time she pulls this crap with my life. I already hate her, hate my situation and if she doesn't stay out of my business I'm going to leave and get an apartment. So if she tries that crap in my apartment I can have her arrested for trespassing. One arrest might just fix her.
Um...ok if YOU are 29 you are NOT forced to live with your mother and grandmother. If it is your mothers house, and you don't liuke her being there...move out! Get your own place where you can lock her out. Otherwise, blame no one but yourself for being "stuck'.
Remember,the article is in regards to minor children living under the protection of their parents or legal guardians...not ADULT children who can't make it on their own. Unless you are somehow incapacitated, and cannot persue your right to take care yourself, the rightful owner of the household has the right to make sure that what they don't approve of does not happen in their home.
I agree with what you say about letting the child know that their behavior is unaccepatble and their privacy priveledges may be taken away.
For children, it is the parents right to "check-up" on the minor children in their care. It's called raising the child, and not just leaving them to the winds of society to catch on to this responsibility called life.
I grew up in a family of three, two older brothers and I. Each with similar rules (It is an illusion that we treat all our kids exactly the same!), similar upbringing, same values. My younger brother snuck out of the house, tried the drugs, dropped out of high school, etc. At the same time he was highly protective of me so he knew what he was doing was wrong. He had and still has a wild streak (he is over 40 now). My parents were aware of much of what he was up to and had the conversations, etc.
Every child is different, what works for one may not work for the other. What one child feels as a loss of privacy, an other may not. Where one child may need to be monitored more, another may not. There is no clear cut answer to this question. The personality of the kid, the circumstances, etc may require different approaches for different kids. I would have resented the loss of privacy to the point that I would have been capable of leaving the house as a teen in response to such an act (would have been real safe, no? and yes I was working at 16, and yes, I have a PhD so I am not entirely uneducated). I agree fully with all the comments pointing out the need for good, old, family togetherness and open channels. That is what I am working towards with my own kids: teaching the values, the tools they need to act responsibly, making them responsible for their acts,.. None of us, ever, will be able to keep our kids entirely safe nor will we be able to keep them from making mistakes. The question, too is, should that realy be our goal?
I believe that it's right to supervise our kids without invading their privacy, we could always ask when we want to know something and ready to give advices and warnings if needed. I think it's a lot better to pray for them to make the right decisions that will later train them how to handle their lives on their own. We as parents serves as our children's guides and should not do anything to loose their trust in us. Trust is reciprocal, you can have it only if you can give it.
The only problem is they took my job forced me to look after my grandma I got injured on a vacation. I wouldn't mind the snooping if she didn't get upset over it or jump to conclusions. Jeez my grandma can't run the washer or the drier or the oven. Someone needs to be in the house to keep an eye on her. I don't mind that she didn't have a choice. I have lost the use of my left hand.
I'd like to point out to the prospiers be nice to your kids they get to pick out your nursing home. They may just leave and shack up with people who will mess them up just to get some privacy. You are pushing them into the drug ridden streets. If you suspect them of drug usage and treat them like criminals then they might just figure they might as well. Children always go their own way and they are supposed to. I think if they survive their teen years then it's ok. They learned from their mistakes.
They'll be out there soon enough. They might leave before they are ready to do so just to get rid of the constant surveilance and move in with a bunch of druggies and start using just to spite you or dealing that stuff to pay the bills. If you don't respect them as people they won't respect you or want any form of long term relationship with you. I'd say know where they are going and all of their friends but let them learn how to live in this world on their own.
If you spied on them as kids they may not take you into their home when you are too old to take care of yourself because they do not want you around. Since you might just spy on them when you are in their house.
There are two separate issues. Yes, parents have the right and the duty to supervise their children. However, after puberty, one is not really a child. These are young adults who, in other societies, would have been treated as such. They may still be somewhat immature, but they are no longer children. As for the age of majority, it is arbitrarily set at a level that is obviously higher than the age when one is no longer a child. After all, there used to be places where it was as high as 25 and in some states it is not even 18 but 21. Older minors have the right to be supported (and, in fact, college-aged "kids" supported by their parents still depend on their parents for support, but are often legally adult). That does not mean that restricting their freedom is right. Moreover, even if a man is supporting his wife, that does not give him the right to control her life the way parents would control their teenagers' lives. In fact, she may feel that her children are under her roof as well as her husband's even though it is the husband who pays the bills. Why doesn't the same standard apply to physically adult "kids" who, due to the functioning of modern society, happen to need someone to support them at an age when their ancestors would probably have been married and with kids of their own? If that has anything to do with being psychologically mature, that is not actually measured when granting young people adult status because they reach a certain age, nor are adults deprived of it if subsequently proving immature.
I use no illegals. They know my friends and where I will be. I don't use and I don't behave in a sexually promisvcuos fashion or make decisions when I'm depressed or intoxicated. Of course I'd be unhappy that my grandma showed up wrecking yet another life plan. I decided I didn't care about what happened my family until it happened to me.
I got my mom through grad school and got her a job. She took my job and made me take care of an 89 year old lady. I hated them both for messing up my life. I don't mind if she snoops but to make a federal case of it afterwards is rude. Of course I'm miserable. I'm living a life I don't want with people I do not love anymore. They wouldn't let me leave when I wanted to.
They'll have to deal with the world sooner or later and if you play spy they won't go to you when they are in trouble or delevep any attachment to you. I agree you have the right to search their quarters if you have probable cause but even cops have to warn their suspects that they might search them or give them a drug test
I don't know how many people, if any, still read this thread, but if you're thinking about snooping through your kids' room or reading their diary, please, don't!!! Speaking as someone whose mother read her diary, I still haven't forgiven her for that. I probably never will. I never gave her need to read my diary; I was only a freshman in high school, couldn't drive yet, never went to parties, spent almost all of my free time at home. I got A's in school, I didn't fight with my parents, etc... but when she read my diary, I got so furious. It really deteriorated our relationship, and there was no need for it.
Please, don't snoop through their stuff and read their diary, and if you do, don't be surprised if they hold it against you forever! Now, there might be circumstances, if they are acting strange or if you have real reason for suspicion, and in that case, some of it might be justified... but please don't do it just for the heck of it.
My 16 year old has a cell phone - best investment I ever made. She calls or texts me all the time - especially when she is at a friend's house or is running late. This way I don't worry so much and if she is late I know about it so I don't get uptight and yell.
I do check her Myspace, text messages & yahoo messenger - I do feel guilty and pray she never finds out but I have learned so much about her friends and no longer question her motives ALL the time - she is happier and we have a better relationship.
Two ways the snooping has really helped me -
I found out my daughter had had sex with her boyfriend - I casually told her that I had made a Dr's appointment as I felt she was old enought to talk about birth control with a professional and go on the pill. She was really excited (relieved) and told all her friends - rather this than an unwanted pregnancy. Secondly,
she was really moody, upset and angry - taking it all out on me - life was hell - I was ready to ground her for life until I found out the love of her life dumped her - without mentioning it I could calmly talk to her about her feelings and her reactions to things and smooth things over. These are just two ways in which snooping has saved me a lot of worry - so it may be wrong but I have learned to treat her with a lot more respect and kindness(besides the snooping) and we have a wonderful relationship.
of course not......who do you think you are..WebMD or something.....my 4 children need their own privacy even if they are pregnant well two of them (17 and13 years old).......look at me and my children how much weve improved since the accident......im a miracle child so stop making fun of me and give privacy to your children as i did by
ps im 23
NO!! parents : if you ever catch yourself wanting to read the private diary or check out the cell phone or snoop the computer that means you dont have a healthy relationship with your child. My mother and I have had a good relationship since i was a young child..i told her everything and she never freaked out on me she was very understanding. everyone. when i was a teenager every thought we were best friends rather then mother/daughter. I felt like i could tell my mother anything and everything and if you dont have that kind of trust built with your child then you have nothing..
PLEASE READ THIS COMMENT
As a parent it is your job to protect your children, however, your children desperatly want to ask you about these things they just dot know how you will react. Trust me on this, i am a 15 year old girl. By snooping you are breaking any bit of trust your child has in you(i say any bit because we ARE still teenagers going through the whole parent child drama period). Talk to your child, ESPECIALLY your girls, because if you truly talk to them then they will make the right choices. Just have a very open relationship so they dont feel awkward coming to you about things. I realize now how much my mother really has helped me to make the right choices. I lost her at the start of my freshman year in highschool, but we were so open with each other that i really have made good decisions. I am still a virgin and i dont go drink and all that, and A LOT of girls my age do. But if you have an open, honest, and truful relationship then your child will be responsible.
no offense but i feel that parents that monitor their kids texts and IMs and emails are insane. children need some sort of privacy, even if its just one of those few things. i'm seventeen years old, and until just about a year ago (when i got a job) my parents took my cellphone away every night at ten. if it wasn't for the fact that i was taking the county bus system to a high school about an hour away, i would have never gotten my phone. even though they took my phone and kept it in their room, they NEVER went through my text messages, and i know that for a fact. my myspace is private so that only my friends can view it, i only add people i know, and i only have my first name viewable by others. i've never done drugs and i've never drank more than a few sips of beer or any other type of alcohol, and that was my own decision. my parents trusted me until i started sneaking around and lying about where i was going. i gained that trust back, even though it took me a year, and i will never break it. my parents don't worry about me doing drugs or drinking because they know how against it i am. i'm never invited to those wild crazy parties, so they don't have to worry about that either. they let me hang out with people at work that are ten years older than me because my parents know they watch out for me (and they do!) my parents are my favorite people and my least favorite people.
i know i'm only seventeen but i am a girl and i do have my life planned out to a t, (well, the only thing is who i'm going to marry, but i'm not worried about that, yet) and i know already that i want to raise my kids in a positive manner, without being to strict. i will warn them early on about the dangers of drug use and drinking, but who knows what's going to be out there in ten plus years. i would never put a tracker on my child's car, or that speed thing. as for the cell phones, i don't see why a kid in elementary school needs a cell phone. my kids will get them when they enter high school, the birthday right before that. before then, what in the world do they need it for? i'll drive them wherever and i'm sure their friends will have them.
the speed tracker thing, ha that's funny. i'm lucky my dad drives my car when i'm away (i often go on trips to israel, including my freshman year in august) so he refuses to get that thing put on. (score for me!)
Happy Parenting!
- Kathryn
Okay, so, I know a little about this from personal experience. I am an 18 year old girl. I'm the oldest child and have 3 younger sisters, one who is 17, the other two are twins and are 13. The 13 year old twins aren't really old enough to be montitered, but are only in the 7th grade and have cell phones. I don't think they necessarily need them and don't understand why my parents gave them one...when i was that age i begged and pleaded for one, but they insisted that none of their children would ever have one before they were old enough to drive, which is when i got mine. But, in all honesty, i NEVER did anything that should have concerned them...i never ever chatted in open chat rooms, although if i had, i wouldn't have given my name. I did chat on Instant Messenger though, but only because it was the "in" thing to do and it quickly faded out. I do have a myspace and a facebook now, but i just got them as i was going into college last fall. I also, never snuck out or did anything on my phone that they should have had to worry about. But, my parents began to monitor me like crazy! All because of my boyfriend, whom my step-grandmother had dubbed "not good enough" for me. They decided that they didn't want me seeing him so I didn't but as soon as I left their house, I was told I could do whatever I pleased, even if I decided to see him anymore. But,my 17 year old sis on the other hand, was never monitored and still isn't. I know of things she has done, such as sneaking off to have sex with her boyfriend (at that time she was 15 and he was 18...i mean what else could he have wanted from her?!) People just loved to tell me things that she had done at the party that she was at (when she was supposed to be at her friend's house staying the night) She was having sex, drinking, and everything else you could imagine, but yet my parents acted completely clueless and acted as though she would never do wrong. One day, when she was just 16, I had to borrow her phone because mine wasn't working, to run to the grocery store. While I had it I had texted my friend to say hi and was waiting on her to text me back. I was going to ask her a question about our homework. Anyhow, I recieved a message and read it, well, it definately wasn't my friend! It was absolutely disgusting! It was some guy(not even her bf) telling her what all he was going to do to her that night. Well, i read some more of the messages on her phone and sure enough, she had been texting like 4 diff. guys telling them all of this nasty sexual stuff and they were all 4 texting her back . Her myspace pics are always just a little too exposing. She doesnt pose nude or anything, but she's always wearing a tank that shows a ton of cleavage, or really short shorts that show her thong. I ahve warned my parents, but all they will say is, Well, that's just Jackie* I never have understood this, but in my opinion, parents probably should at least set some ground rules IE. take the cell phones at night, but only read the messages if you have reason to doubt them, call the friend's house when they are staying over, do not allow them to use the computer unless someone is present in the room, and definately monitor the types of pics they use to represent themselves. I worry about my sis, we've not had a very good relationship lately b/c of these things and i really worry about her safety, but for some reason, my parents dont seem to. So I say , yes DEFINATELY SPY! I hated it but now watching my sis, i see why they did it. They just should have done the same with her.
My problem is that I think I've become addicted to spying on my daughter and I can't stop, even though everything I find out is like a kick in the guy and makes me depressed for days. My daughter is a freshmen in college not far from home. She was always a pretty good kid, but I have to admit that I've read her diaries since she was 13. Sometimes I used the information to try to protect and counsel her, without admitting how I knew. Anyway, I've read everything from notes she's passed in school to her MySpace and Xanga. Everything she did was pretty normal until her senior year, when I caught her twice with marijuana. Once she even gave some to her younger brother so he could try it. Then she began going out with some shady guy and coming home glassy-eyed and dissheveled. That's when I installed the spyware on the computer. Now she's at college and I regularly read her Facebook and occasionally, her personal email. I've found out that she uses marijuana pretty heavily, that she even sold it for a while, and that she's having sex with her boyfriend. Complicating all this is that I'm a Christian and her dad and I have been in ministry. She was raised in a very Christian, but not perfect, environment. I'm personally disappointed that she's strayed from God and from the morality that I wanted to instill in her. Every time I read her private stuff, I find out things that kill me, yet I have no right to say anything because she's away at college and leading her own life. I think my spying has taken on somewhat of a sick quality--it's like an addiction. I will stop for a while and then my curiosity and worry get the better of me, and I look. Can anyone out there relate to this and help me?
I am 16, and I think some of these gadgets are great. Personally, I believe my generation has given our parents no reason whatsoever to trust us. I hear a lot more about what goes on than most adults, and, seriously, and think most of them should have all of these installed. They're always lying, cheating, sneaking, you name it. And by the way, that guy or girl you told your kid not to see? They're sneaking out together. Trust me on this. I would be glad to know my mother or father cared enough about me to pay this much to make sure I'm safe.
Anonymous, I just read your post. As I said in the above paragraph, I'm just 16, so I don't have much experience in this, but here is my advice. Do your best to put strong Christian role-models in her way, ask your Bible Study or Sunday School Class to pray for her. One reason girls have sex is because they don't feel loved (not because you don't love them, but they can't feel it). Read 'The Five Love Languages', and try to show that you love her no matter what she does. I'll be praying for you,
A fellow Believer
No one can grow and mature if they don't make mistakes and learn from them. If you spy on your children then how will they ever know how to handle themselves in the real world? They wont. Plain and simple. I have two sons (both in their 20's) and one daughter, 17. Children need to know whats right and whats wrong, but of course, being kids, they are going to experiement with things, we all did, but as much as you tell them whats right and whats wrong, they still need to see that for themselves. If you're constantly spying on them, they wont ever know. They wont grow as adults correctly and will not mature in all the places they need too. We were all teens once.
ok. i know this may seem weird, but just ber with me. i am being competely honest. I am 13, and i would like to give advice to new parents. PLEASE, dont put a computer in your childs room!!! i got one in my room, and it has been nothing but trouble, i accidently found a porn site when i was 10, and got addicted. i hate it, i regret it more than anything in my life, but i was googling on a self help website to help me unaddicte ( is that a word??) anyway, i regret it, it was the worst thing i ever did! any new parents out there who are reading this, privacy is important, so is trust, but if you do put a computer in your childs room, get the cox filter, it filters out all the stuff ( i had one, but it malfunctioned and dad took it off) i was off it for a while, but once the filter came out, i mistyped a web adress and was sent to another porn site and became addicted again. so please!! any parents watch what your kids do online. ps, block websites like runescape, neopets and world of warcraft. they aren't bad, but easily addictive and before you know it, youll be spending 4 hours a day playing it. good luck!
you should always trust your child no matter how old if you do not give your trust they will not you any respect or trust you with their things like reading their diary or reading their e-mail that is invading they privacy and that is the worst thing to do even if you just want to know what is happening in their life take it from me a 13 year old i caught my mom reading my diary i was so mad even if i don't write in my diary about any thing important my parents are starting to trust me but if they start looking trough my things i will go do some thing they don't want me to do like get a boy friend or some thing they accuse me of doing
For example, my daughter is a pre-teen and she is browsing youtube innocently and comes across some very inappropriate videos. So of course I will be checking her browsing history and looking futher into youtube channels and parental security. We will talk about what decisions she will be faced with but she does not need such easy access.
We purchased our daughter (11) a cell phone b/c she now comes home from school by herself (yeah, I know it's only for an hour, but what if she forgets her key). Before my husband even took it out of the store, he had internet and text messaging disabled.
She has AIM, and I save all her logs and periodically review them. She is not allowed to have the computer in her room. It's in a family area.
She is aware of this and deals with it without too much trouble. I've actually read some things where her friends have used inappropriate language and she's told them..."don't swear, my mom checks my logs...They all apologized"
Bottom line is...she is just a kid..Kids do stupid things...It is our job as parents to guide, help, and protect them.
Hi, I just turned 18 years old and for the past few years parental control has been a big issue. Its gotten to a point that I am thinking of moving out.
Recently I got back into college and was doing very well at school and a few weeks later my parents search my bag and room behind my back. It seems that if I am doing well I am not trusted and when Im not doing well I am not being trusted.
Im just saying watch how far you push your kids away because if it gets worse enough they wont come back.
Jeff, I agree. I am 17 years old, I have a cell phone and a car that I pay for myself. Over the years I have had some really bad experiences with my parents regarding trust. I tried marijuana the summer before my freshmen year in high school. When my parents caught me, it was hell. My dad grew up with the drug mob all around him and he knew that marijuana was not so much dangerous itself, but the drug culture is much more dangerous and it took me a long time to realize this because back then, the kids who I tried it with were indeed losers. Its the people around you that let you know who you are. Work and talking to my parents all the time about my personal life makes my trust and connection with them great. Most kids my age try to hide the fact that they are going to a party where there is alcohol or marijuana, I don't. I tell my parents straight up and I promise them I wont do stupid things like drinking and driving. Jaff, what you said I think is the opposite of how you need to raise children. A young persons mind needs to experiment and see for themselves what goes on and recognize it. If you are not up to the challenge I promise you that your children will only be a step behind. What I mean is having a car is one of the biggest resposibilties that I have, behind my brother. My brother is one year younger than me and we can relate a lot to each other. I am his driver no matter what or where. If you, Jaff, lock your kids from things like cell phones, cars, or computers, how the hell are they going to develop a social life. Not only the social aspect, but the responsible piece. If you can not trust your child to call you every hour when they are out with friends to check up with you, which I do with my parents, then I dont know what to say. Things are different now. I am not trying to be a mean spirited person, to all you parents of teens, but I am rather giving you advice from someone who knows good ways to keep your relationship with your teens strong, yet trustworthy, and most importantly, free.
Thank you,
Pete
Folks, I am a mother of one child, an 18 year old daughter. Those who state over and over to keep the lines of communication open by talking make me laugh. This generation of parents talk and talk and talk till their kids are sick of it. They don't hear you after age 12, if that long, so forget about it. They admittedly lie about everything they don't want you to know about because you would get angry. Then it might cut into their social lives. Come on people! Get real! It is a lot easier to go all moral about invading your child's privacy than it is to look at a journal that is left out in the open (or not) and actually find something that you need to act on. Sure, talking is fine, but it is not going to get anything out of your kid that you might need to do something about. You might have to cut into your busy lifestyle or vacation $ to help you kid. Heaven forbid, you find out Harvard bound child is smoking dubes on the way to school or your precious daughter is doing what so many are doing in middle school bathrooms. We are living in dangerous times and for you to put your heads in the sand is downright irresponsible, it is NOT being a good parent so stop congratulating yourself. For the adult bloggers who still hate their parents for reading their stuff, and the one who still can't trust anyone because of it, I have a newsflash for you, you need help to figure out why you really hate this parent. My feeling is that you were and are looking for reasons to hate/mistrust them and others.
I have an almost 13 year old and feel I am struggling with this very issue! My daughter knows that at any time I "could" go into her texts or my space page and "check" things out. She is also aware that I will shut down her my space page in a second if I think there is anything inappropriate on it or that she is talking to someone other than the friends she is allowed to have on it. Is that too much micromanaging? I also know that she deletes a lot of her texts, but I am not so far gone that I will find a way to dig them up again(even if there is a way to). I do trust her that much! I have less trouble with the snooping and more trouble with the being too involved in her life!! She tells me too much sometimes.
Hi Anonymous of the 3/29 post...I am the Anonymous right above your post with the 18 yr old daughter. I feel your pain. Obviously, those of us who post, who are not agressively against or for "snooping," are questioning whether it is right or wrong. And even those who sound so adamant are probably not as sold on their opinion as they sound. This is because there is no workbook or manual for parenting...trite but true. NO right or wrong about these issues. I have read so much on this topic from articles written by "experts" to teens' blogs, and basically, most kids want their privacy and most experts just quote parents and kids anyway and tell you to make up your own mind. It is scary to read from kids AND adults that they will NEVER trust their mother or dad again because the parent read their journal, such an invasion of privacy it was. As I said in my previous blog, that is a shame and they need to look into the reason they really don't trust their parent. There is something off there. On the other hand, some kids will say that they themselves are conflicted about it, that it depends on whether or not a parent thinks a kid might be heading for trouble or acting differently. On the 3rd hand, one has to take into consideration that anyone of any age or any situation could be creating the entry. My take finally, is that whether or not you invade your child's privacy is not dependent on one, but on many, factors. Some parents will say, "Hey I am nosy and I am also interested in my kids' lives and that is the way I am!" Others will come out and say that any parent who snoops is on par with the lowest of snakes. Well, I disagree with comment #2. What I believe motivates those comments is that either their kids are the "Up With People, academically motivated, involved in extra-curricular activities, family-oriented" kinds of kids you don't seem to have to worry about or these staunchly critical parents have their heads in the sand and are AFRAID to look for fear that they may find something they have to address. The involved, goal-oriented, well-adjusted kids' parents say they wouldn't dream of looking at anything their kids hold private. Well, guess what, those kids probably don't HAVE anything to hide...maybe they are not as they seem, but if they are, there is probably nothing TO read. They probably don't NEED to snoop.
So, these parents should just be grateful, stop gloating about being a super-parent and try to understand the other side of the coin. I wonder how they would feel if someone dropped a hint to them that one of their angels smoked dope in the school bathroom or was skipping class or had sex indiscriminately. As I said in my other post, it makes me laugh that people think their kids tell the truth when they ask them about these things. They may here and there, but if you want to know what is really going on and you think it may be in a diary or journal, it is your obligation as a parent to hit it and hit it fast. Society today is fast and furious and kids get involved in things you may never have dreamed of. You can thank the internet for that and parents that are just too busy to get involved and use self-righteous crap about privacy to make themselves feel better about it.
What I believe happens to many parents is that they feel they need to take a look at a journal or Myspace at some point in time for some reason or other, and it is does become addicting. I do feel that if this happens, the parent needs to break the addiction and only go back to reading if they feel something warrants them to. If a parent feels there is a reason and in their childs' best interest, it is their duty as parents to address it, whether you talk first or not, and you have to know the difference between emotional venting and the expression of a real issue. The emotional venting you have to suck up, even if it hurts you. That is their right.
But if there is a real issue, mental, physical or emotional, you had better know that you need to address it because it isn't going to go away by itself. I know you think it will, but it will not. If you can talk to them about it without reference to having read their private stuff, and many time this can be done, that would be ideal, but either way, you have to intervene in serious issues or ones that could become serious.
I am sorry to have gone on so long, but I am really passionate about this issue in these times of internet addiction and the width and breadth of exposure to inappropriate things that any kid can find there today.
In your particular situation, anonymous above me, I think you are doing all the right things with the internet....she needs, at 13, to know that you can see what she is into on the internet. She is entering those years when peer pressure is going to mean everything and the stuff they can get into over the internet is so ghastly. You are helping her by setting limits and please don't let up on it. You didn't say if she was involved and interested in school and or extra-curriculars vs how much time she spends online, and that is a huge factor in deciding how involved in it you should be. From what you didn't say, it sounds like you haven't found anything too untoward in her online communications and what she is deleting may be innocent enough. What you don't say is why you think you are too involved in her life? Are you planning all her activities, being a helicopter parent and pushing her into things she doesn't even want for herself?
Then you say she tells you too much....not sure what that means. There is not way she can ever tell you too much. You may not want to hear it, but need to be grateful she will talk to you. Perhaps you feel she is telling you things about other friends that is upsetting and by that, is testing you to see how you would feel if you found out she was either doing or contemplating doing those things...not sure what you mean by those last two lines. Parenting is so very tough for some folks as we want to know but don't know if we are doing the right things or not. What has worked for me in most instances, is to find my gut and listen to it. That is very difficult to do if one is emotional or analytical and I am both...but it will never let you down if you can turn off the brain and heart for a minute and just listen to the gut instinct.
dont spy!!!! theyll end up doing the right thing
At least most of you people know the right thing to do.See im 13,but im a lot smarter than i look.lol.And its wrong to spy on your kids!i know your parents and all but you need to trust your kids,and if you see or suspect that there doin sometin wrong then you can spy but dont go overboard with tech stuff thats just RUDE and it feels UNCONFURTABLE.ok.and be careful when you spy cus if i(or any kid)would find out that my(or any other)parents are spyin YOUR relationship WITH YOUR KID is GOIN DOWN THE DRAIN!.so GOOD LUCK,DONT GO AWOL ON YOUR KIDS,AND BE CAREFUL...:):)
Some parents go way over the line. Im over 18 and I remember how my parents spied on me, read my diaries, listened in on my conversations, recorded my conversations, and an array of other weird things. It's not like I was an SS spy plotting to overtake the universe or something. This caused so much anger to come into our family. Seriously, ask yourself this simple question: Would you appreciate someone rummaging through your things? Everyone has secrets. A husband and wife have the right to know everything the other is up to, not parents. It's understandable to ask who was on the phone, ask what's on a childs mind, or ASK if the child is having a problem. It's no big deal to a kid when you ask them where they are and they know you trust them. They may break your trust every once in a while but sooner or later they will feel bad about betraying your trust and they wont do it. Snooping is just a parents way of relieving their curious instincts. Snooping and prying and sneaking around doesnt teach your children to be honest! It teaches them to sneak around instead of just facing the problem at hand. Also, it violates the trust between child and parent. And I know children can betray a parent's trust but then again, they are the children and two wrongs do not make a right. To all the semi-psycho vindictive parents out there who think they have to know everything or they may die, it's not the right way to get what you want. Just ASK your kid whats going on and if they feel they can trust you, they will tell you whats up. If he or she doesn't trust you, it's your fault. Sure it may be satisfying to let loose and read you teenage daughters diary but come on, it's just a diary that is supposed to be a place of secrecy and comfort in knowing that in that diary, all is safe. My parents really messed me up when it comes to trusting people and I always think someone is out to get me or find me out.
I'm an 18yr old girl and a freshmen in college. I didn't grow up in the traditional family sense. I lived with my mother and grandparents till I was 5. My mother then married a man who hated children.
That man turned into an abusive alcoholic and I was his favorite to hit and mentally abuse.
My mother divorced him when I was a freshmen in high school, but the years or abuse had already taken a toll on me.
Then at age 16, I was raped.(not by the step father)
It was nothing that I did that put me into that position and nothing my mother could have done to prevent it.
I've always had good grades, I've never did drugs, and as a college freshmen, I still have to this day have not drunk alcohol. I dress modestly and am not a boy crazy girl.
My point? Bad things happen to everyone, including those who don't go looking for trouble - thankfully my mother never violated my trust by doing such things as spying on me and going through my stuff, and even with a strained relationship, it was her shoulder that I turned to cry on, because I knew I could trust her, that she wouldn't hurt me more.
A key logger program, cell phone GPS, nor going through my underwear draw wouldn't have kept me from my troubles.
Technology can't save you or your children from bad things. Don't allow it to become the thing that pushes your child away from you.
Honestly - weed, sex, sneaking out to see a boyfriend, having a myspace page or cell phone is trivial in comparison to what can happen.
Let your kids live. Whether you like it or not, they're people with needs too.
BTW, it was that cell phone I had at age 16 that allowed me to call in my most desperate hour.
im a 17yr old high school senior and i grew up in a house hold with little spying and with a wide space of privacy. yes i did make mistakes i was addicted to porn in middle school and i was caught and even so my parents just talked to me like an adult and told me what i did wrong and i have hardly seen any since so by allowing this privacy to continue i felt good and didnt need to continue this adulterous habit
i have also participated in underage drinking, do my parents know? no. do i drink irresponsibly? no. i contained myself to only one or possibly two drinks per hour. i had learned my limit sadly by drinking 12 drinks per hour this taught me a lesson now knowing my body can only comfortably hold 4 drinks to the hour to only get slightly tipsy with minor slurring no alteration in walking or judgement. but yet i still stay under that becuase my parents respect my privacy.
i have never smoked and dont plan on it because my parents talked to me there to. I feel so strongly from what the taught me at a young age that i refused drugs in the hospital with blood poisoning. the pain was unbearable but in my mind better than the drug effects.
i also belive that having a cell phone is great but probobly not needed till at least high school. and i think it is ok to check your childs profile but dont be paranoid about it just calmly check it monthly because they only update once or twice a month. be respectable with your sneaking were not stupid we already think that you do it so your already caught before you start
be sure to raise your kids with good morals on an open field with plenty of privacy good manners not to many restrictions.
and anyone worried about sex if you raise your kids with what i mentioned you will have no worries. i am not a virgin but i was raised well and at least felt that it was special and put thought into it before doing so and i do feel sad im not still with the girl but that was her choice and in the end i dont regret it i learned from it and now can help other people more in thier issues
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