Should we spy on our kids? (PART 2)
I've been thinking a lot about it and wanted to share my thoughts, with the usual caveat that there is no "one size fits all" way to go. Some kids will be trustworthy and safe no matter what you as a parent do (or don't do), and some kids are going to engage in very worrisome, dangerous, behaviors even if you implanted a nano-chip in their brains that monitored their every movement and thought.
Question #1 : Should you spy on your kids?
This is the only question about which I feel there is only one answer: NO!
Spying implies gathering information on your child without him/her knowing it. This is a bad idea because:
- It will surely erode their trust (rightfully so!) if and when they find out you've been sneaking around, playing gotcha!
- It sends the message that you absolutely have no confidence in them (on whom do we spy? Terrorists and such!).
- Since it's a secret, it does not let them know you are concerned about them and want to keep tabs on their comings and goings and be involved in their lives.
- Since it's a big secret (at least, for a while), it doesn't lead to discussions about what is and isn't reasonable behavior (both teen's and parents').
- Most importantly, it does not serve to prevent any dangerous behaviors, since they are unaware you are even monitoring them.
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Question #2: Should you monitor your child's activities with technology?
I vote YES.
"Monitoring" (as opposed to "spying") efforts are known and discussed with your teen. This sends the right message: I care for you. I'm concerned about you. I trust you, but with verification. I want and need to be a part of your life, even if you don't like the idea. Let's talk about this.
However there are levels of intrusiveness in monitoring. I am not in favor of the most intrusive monitoring: reading their e-mails or text messages, because it smacks of spying. But less intrusive monitoring makes sense to me:
- Using a device in the car to monitor speed, location, swerves, etc. (Sorry, teen drivers scare me, I don't care how responsible s/he is.) Having this monitored allows him/her to resist the goading of others to speed or head off to a bad part of town ("Oh, I'd like to go 85, but mom and dad will know and kill me."). Surviving the teen years trumps everything else and I think this helps.
- Watching the sites frequented on the internet seems an important and reasonable (only mildly intrusive) area to keep tabs on. We all know the internet has plenty of icky, dark corners and you want to be sure your child isn't visiting any of them.
- Certainly you should read whatever your child has publicly posted on the internet. Why should any nut job be able to read her profile on MySpace, but not you?
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The bottom line, of course, is that nothing beats open communication. But (sorry, folks) all teens lie to their parents or, at least, don't tell the whole truth. That's OK, except in cases that could seriously jeopardize their well-being.
I think the mistake many parents make is to disengage from their teens' lives because they feel so unwelcome in it. Instead, I would argue that's when you need to be even more - not less - involved, to be a pain in the butt, to be "too strict", to show you still care, to endlessly talk about it.
Spy, no. Monitor, by all means.
Your thoughts?
Related Topics: Teens and Cybersex: A Threat to Real Intimacy?, WebMD Video: The Teen Brain
Technorati Tags: teen behavior, monitoring children, spying
8 Comments:
We've put a lot of planning and effort into monitoring Internet activity in our house.
My daughter knows that she is not allowed to visit anywhere she wants on the Internet (the computer earmarked for her use has a whitelist on it; other computers in our home have a guest profile with no Internet privileges and she does not have access to the either the trusted guest or our personal profiles); that she is only allowed to send or receive e-mail from certain people (also manually set by adults); and that she is only allowed a certain amount of time per day to use the computer for leisure (a kitchen timer that I keep in the middle of our main living area). We have a keystroke logger installed as well, although right now I see almost everything she types online as she usually asks me to take dictation for her e-mails and the rest of her typing is in educational games through an online susbcription service we use to supplement her computer use at school. She is not allowed to use instant messaging software at all, but she is elementary school-aged and the rule is subject to revision as she gets older. My stepdaughter was not allowed to use instant messaging at home per her father's decision.
We use much of the same rules my parents did with regards to phone use, privacy and earned trust privileges with my daughter. So far it's working out well. My siblings and I engaged in some typical risky behaviors as teens but had honest and open communication with our parents. We turned out to be responsible adults active in our communities and content with where our hard work has taken us, and I think that's pretty good.
my son has severe Tourettes...He is
a darling at home, as I work around, re-direct, and run interference. He has athletic abilities that since 3 on show professional potential. He is being
annilated at school, and currently living with his father, who has him on concerta. He was on tenex,
prozac and respiradal and did great. He is 14. Your thoughts on
concerta? Cyber school? Other help?
I agree that monitoring is appropriate. We began monitoring websites visited by my teenage stepson after I noticed a change in his behavior. He was quiet, withdrawn, and non-responsive when we did talk. Through monitoring we uncovered some very dangerous behavior(hard core gay pornography). We are concerned and are now seriously considering spying knowing that the truth will be hard to come by and we are very worried about his safety. Is it OK now?
I think the bottom line here is to remember we are our children's parents, not their best friends. It is our responsibility to teach them, guide them, and most of all protect them. My son is only two, but I hope that having an open line of communication will help prevent a lot of problems. But, if instinct points me in the direction that something is going awry, I will definitely do all I can to ensure his safety - especially online! The internet scares the heck out of me when it comes to children!
Young Parents Magazine
After a particularly loud and disturbing confrontation between my 14-yr.-old son and his father, I read a letter that he had written to his girlfriend. I was afraid that he was still raging inside. Boy, was I glad that I opened that letter. He revealed the thoughts of suicide he has been having. I knew something was "off" with him, but he wouldn't discuss it with me. Now I know, and am better equipped to take it to his therapist and deal with it. I initially felt guilty for invading his privacy, but my mother's intuition was correct.
I don't think you can generalize about whether "spying" is right or wrong. Sometimes the situation warrants it.
Thanks for this very insightful perspective - we will add the topic of "to spy or not to spy" into our Internet Safety curriculum and presentations (here in Loudoun County, VA)....it's always so surprising how many questions parents have like this, and how many parents never think to ask such things.
As a pediatrician and a mom, I think it is very important to monitor the internet activities of our kids. Both my kids, ages 9 and 12, are very internet savvy but they are only kids. My oldest had an experience with a cyberbully from her own school a couple years back. Had we not been snooping and touching base with her about what she was doing online we never would have known.
Our kids have computers in their rooms but we have a "door open" policy when they are using them. We can see the screens from the door way and check their histories often. My oldest has started to IM her friends and we "approve" the list before she adds anyone new.
I worry less about my own kids then I do about others online - for that reason alone it is important we snoop, be involved, and help our kids learn how to use and not use the internet.
As a psychologist who specializes in working with teens (in NYC where the kids have exposure to alot, early), I am confronted with this issue often. I have long counseled against "spying", but have come to believe strongly that all bets are off when you notice a change in your adolescent's behavior, mood or performance. I encourage parents to confess their 'spying", explain what they have been noticing. This often results in increased communication and relief for the initially irate adolescent to whom, I note, "You have the "bad luck" to have parents who care."
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