Your child and discipline: Who is raising whom?
It's always nice when research confirms what you have been preaching, as in the following headline that caught my eye: "Parents don't think discipline works in 1/3 of kids."
The study:
2,134 parents of children ages 2--11 years completed a questionnaire on their approach and feelings about how they discipline their kids.
What the study found
- 54% said they did not discipline their kids as they had been disciplined as a child; 38% said they were following their parents' example.
- The discipline techniques they were asked to report having used in the past month included: removal of privileges (31%), yelling (22%), sent to bedroom (19%), spanking (17%) and time-out (5%).
- One third described their disciplinary techniques as "never" or only "sometimes" effective; 21% said their discipline was "always effective".
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Dr. P comments
This statistic confirms Dr. P.'s 'Rule of thirds': "All discipline techniques work well in 1/3 of children, fair to middling in 1/3, and not at all in 1/3." (Actually the rule of thirds holds true for lots of other areas of pediatrics -- like the treatment of colic -- but let's stick with discipline for now).
Why should this be? Simple: there is no one-size-fits-all, perfect way to raise your child. Some kids do better with tight behavioral control, others when you ease the reins. Some respond well to punishment, others just need a cross look for them to do what you want. Some do best on a rigid schedule, others need to be allowed to hang loose, etc., etc...
Here's my bet: the 22% "perfect" parents have kids with easy dispositions, who are a piece of cake compared to the struggling 1/3 whose kids are temperamentally much more difficult. Who is raising whom? Are parents ineffectively yelling because the child is tough to manage (or else, why yell?) or is the child tough to manage because the parents are yellers? Or is it a combination of the two?
I contend that in order to provide proper discipline you first need to understand who and what your child is. Alas, that is easier said than done because, folks, this is rocket science. Children are complex and mysterious beings. The interplay of nature and nurture guiding your child's development is far more complicated than the physical laws governing rocket propulsion.
Only when you really 'get' your child can you fashion the kind of environment that will bring out his natural talents and allow him to overcome his behavioral and developmental challenges, can you make certain he grows up feeling loved and cherished for who he is (regardless of how he may not have met your fantasies of the perfect child), and can you accept that, in many ways, your child -- his own person from the start, with his own tempermanent, with his own wonderful and flawed way of being in the world -- is raising you as much as you are raising him.
Forget the usual discipline bromides touted as 'magic' by the gurus. You are (or should be) the true expert when it comes to what kind of discipline will be best for your child because you are the one who knows him best. Just work more on discovering him than inventing him and you'll do OK.
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Article cited:
Detrminants of Parental Discipline Practices: A National Sample From Primary Care Practices
Barkin S, et al. Clinical Pediatrics, January 2007
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Technorati Tags: parenting, discipline
12 Comments:
Dr. P, I have to strongly agree with your assesment on disipline. You seem to get it. It's a shame that we now have polititians and the media trying to tell parents what they should and should not do. Unless a child is being abused (in the right terms of the definition) and put in danger; then there shouldn't be any limits to parents' rights to raise their children however they see fit.
Thank you thank you thank you!
As a parent of a VERY difficult 6-year-old, it is comforting to hear that the majority of other parents are only somewhat successful with their discipline and that our kids behavior (or misbehavior) is not solely due to our discipline. It's so disheartening to be judged by others based on our children's actions.
I resd that some school and parent used petticoat discipline to control boys who had discipinary problem. Is this method ever used to day
bobliesen@aol.com
As a divorced parent in a difficult parenting environment with a difficult child, I would like to tell other parents to take time to re-assure yourselves that you love your child/children and that the choices you make should be informed, but in the end should come from your head and your heart - I've encountered pressure to make this choice or that and critisism no matter what choices I've made - everyone seems to have an opinion - It's good to hear a doctor with words of re-assurance for parents looking for the answers to a very personalized set of problems - parents need support too - a little less disdain - most of us have children for the right reasons, but there are no clear or set rules for raising happy, moral, contributing, etc.. children
I also agree that people need to butt out of raising children unless they live with them. Each child is an individual and needs to be treated as such. One of my children corrects with a verbal correction; however, the second child could care less. I never spanked the first, but it seems to be the only thing that penetrates through to the second. He is still young and I hope this will change over time. I DO NOT think I am an abusive parent because I administer a firm swat to the butt to make my point with a strong willed child.
I am also a teacher that sees the results in high school of children that are never given limits and taught to be responsible for themselves. I think society is headed for trouble if we do not teach children limits and caring about something other than their own happiness. I had great parents who raised a good person, however, I do not remember my happiness being the guiding light of my rearing.
Dr. P,
I'm with the other commenters on this issue. I suggest to you guys to take a look at this organization's website and maybe join it as well. Holistic Moms Network. http://www.holisticmoms.org
Thank you.
Jessica
I provide counseling to parents who have abused their children and are involved with Child Welfare Services. I always tell my clients that they need to understand their child before they can understand how to discipline them and I mean that in a personal sense. With all the chaoticness in today's world many of my parents don't have a connection with their children and if they do half the time it is inapproriate, like my daughter is my "best friend". With so much "parenting" information out there it is so easy to think that parenting is just rules and consequences, but true parenting is a relationship.
Discipline is exceedlingly important but it has to be done right. If you have a particular situation that you need help with you can go to www.parentingwithsara.com. Sara is a former family specialist, and she writes a semi-weekly column and answers questions from readers. tk
Dr.P,
Well I am mother of 4 children 3girls & 1Boy. I have raised all 4 and they have given me real bad times ,never wanted listen do as told so first spoke second they got spanking on their butts .Long as don't beat them I believe no harm spanking them .Today since law states no spanking kids are into more things drugs ,drinking,and some kill own parents so again a spanking does more help than not .Time out only works for some .Kids today don't respect parents account most got only TIME OUT.I feel they are kids that does more and into trouble more than ones that got spankings.Spankings they tend listen and know what is right or wrong doing .I love my children dearly but they needed know when not do wrong.I even have grandson that tells me Grandma I LOVE YOU account you cared enough Spank me my parents didn't .He's proud of me spanking him says I made him a good young man. 11:19p.m
Dr.P I have a ploblem my child is 11yrs old i try anything from talking and even spank her but after i spank her i cry myself to sleep.i'm only 28yrs i had her when i was 15yrs. i'm 5 feet tall she's 5'7. she seems like she dosen't have any respect for me.she a honor roll student teacher's always say she's sweet girl,anyway she get very violent with me when i try discipline her just the other night she pull my hiar and push me around made alot of bruces on my arms.i don't know what to do i'm a singel parent and i'm very ill,please help tell me what to do.
Dr. P., That was a very thoughtful article. I think it is important to understand your child and yourself. I was recently searching parenting websites and found one that said you should accept all of your childs emotions even if they are uncomfortable for you. It then went on to talk about how bad being angry with your child was for their self-esteem. So basically it is ok to have emotions and misbehave if you are a kid, but parents need to be perfectly composed. I wish it could be true, but the truth is that parents get angry too sometimes and sometimes we misbehave. The need to feel like you are acceptable as a parent is strong and that causes a lot of guilt when we are human.
I am 17 living with my sister and he husband at home a while back I got in trouble for using the computer and I lied about it, I was on punishment for almost 2 months with no television, friends, games or anything the only thing I had was a bed and a dresser. It's been almost a year now since then. I showed my sister my report card, it had a D on it she said I could not play video games so she took then, then I went and played a game on my computer, and she caught me, of course I lied, and now im on punishment untill school starts again, I cants have friends, cants go outside, cant do anything, my life is done, I think this punishment is too hard, shes always looking at the negatives, I understand I lied but why such serious punishment and why do I have so much stress, How do i fix this, I don't even feel like I live in the house since her husband has came home I feel like a slave, he yells, he curses, and hes very physical, I'm afraid to tell the truth because of what might happen if I do, is there anyway I can get help? Please contact me at,
crazy.puerto.rican@gmail.com
Thank you
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