Internet Safety: Growing Up Online
Recently I watched a Frontline show on Public Broadcasting called "Growing Up Online." I think every parent should see it. That means you, even if your kids are still too young to venture into the internet.
The focus of this program was not the well-publicized dangers to kids on the internet (like sexual predators). Instead, it delved into online social networking sites, such as MySpace and FaceBook. As I watched it, I realized that when it comes to this important generational cultural phenomenon, I've been totally out of it (not, alas, a first) and, unless you're pretty young, I'm betting you have been too.
I did not grow up with the internet and I've come to realize that the online environment - mothers' milk for our kids - is, in many ways, an alien zone to me. It's kind of like the differences in your fluency when you've learned a foreign language as an adult versus as a child.
Additionally, as a shy and private geezer myself, I am baffled. Why would anyone expose so much of themselves online for the world to see? Why would anyone want to have a few thousand anonymous friends with whom to communicate? What exactly is the nature of a relationship that is purely online, where you never have met the person, where you never really know their name, where you don't even know if their description of themselves is fact or fantasy?
And, most baffling of all, why is all disembodied cyberspaced communication so earthshakingly important to many young teens in establishing their own identities and in connecting with others?
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Let me be clear: even though I don't get their appeal, I'm not railing against these sites. Nor am I claiming they will be the root of all evil in 21st century relationships. What I am saying is that, as parents and adults, we need to familiarize ourselves with online social networking sites and seek to understand what is going on and how they might affect the development of 21st century kids' social and intimate relationships.
Who knows, maybe it will prove to be a blessing. Then again, maybe not. Or maybe, in the end, it will prove to be just another passing adolescent phase of no real consequence. Still, I do worry that some aspects of growing up online could potentially affect our kids in ways that may not be so wonderful. Could that include social networking sites?
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Here are a few more revelations I took away from the Frontline show:
- There are dangers on the internet, but many are different than we naive adults think.
Turns out, for example, that most kids well know that if an online stranger asks for their real name and address, that's bad news and they should wipe them off their access list and out of their cyber lives. In fact, the kids who succumb to evil online predators are usually those who willingly collaborate with them. For some reason (I'd put the teens' sense of invulnerability at the top of the list), they too are looking to cross the line from cyberbuddy to an in-the-flesh relationship, sometimes with devastating results. - Cyberbullying is the most devastating bullying in the history of the world.
This kind of cruelty - which only kids seem capable of - doesn't end in the playground, but follows a child home. Plus, everyone and his uncle gets involved or at least knows about the humiliation. (The Frontline show has a tragic example of this.)
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I contend that ensuring that your kids can safely negotiate and mine the riches of the internet without getting burned is one of the great new parenting challenges in the 21st century. That's no surprise to you. A previous two part Dr. P blog entitled "Big Mother is watching: Should we spy on our kids?" continues to generate more comments than anything else on which I have written. In another post, I opined on how to try to keep your kids safe from cyberbullying.
As is painfully obvious to you by now, I'm no expert at this stage and, probably, neither are you. But you and I need to become one, and soon. Watch the Frontline show so we can begin to address the real question for all of us: what should we do about it?
Here's another suggestion: do an experiment (as I plan to do and will report back to you) and set up your own account at one of these sites, pretending to be a bright innocent teen, and see what happens. Then let's share our experiences.
In the meantime I'd love to hear how you are dealing (or plan to deal) with your child and internet social networking sites.
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You can watch the Frontline program online (+ read a lot of other good stuff) here.
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Technorati Tags: MySpace, Facebook, internet safety, privacy, teenagers, parenting
8 Comments:
I'm pushing 30, but I grew up on the "haves" side of the digital divide thanks to access to surplus computer parts and a supportive educational community. Before the slick appearance of social networking sites, we hung out on BBSes and, if we had dialup telnet access through a local freenet service, on text-based MUDs and newsgroups.
This kind of cruelty – which only kids seem capable of –
Sadly, it continues among adult social groups on the internet too. I have belonged to and left online parenting groups because left unmoderated or with power issues within the moderation/leadership structure, a lot of these sites devolve into the same negative behaviors seen on the playground.
The sad part is that this is often couched in "we all want what's best for our children" language, as if that blunts pointed statements.
This is what I can tell you about having once been a bright, lonely teen on the Internet: a lot of teens are just looking for other people like them to commiserate and reassure themselves that they are not alone despite feeling like they're the only widget-fan in the world because they feel that way at school. A lot of teens are using the Internet to express their feelings of identity without the imagined social backlash if they tried them at school, where they worry that later their friends and classmates will tease them by joking about the time they tried talking and acting like they belonged to a different culture than the one they appear to belong to. (I see this a lot among the young people I know from my hometown on Facebook. Our hometown is middle- and upper-class and majority Caucasian, but they form online groups with names like "Thuggin' it in Anytown", "Screw the County Sheriffs" [speeding is a big issue in town], and "From the 555 - I'm kind of a big deal". I find it amusing in an incongruous way.)
I learned pretty quickly as a teen how to spot people that messaged me simply looking to talk about sex. I see even more of them as an adult, but I've mostly stopped using instant messaging because the signal-to-noise ratio got too poor -- if people need to contact me, they can e-mail me. (I should note that I've had the same instant messaging usernames for 10+ years, so that's part of why they get so much junk.) I still get junk e-mail, but I have a pretty good filtering system and now the few unsolicited messages I get are actually related to my weblog or comments. A lot of them still get deleted, but once in awhile there's a gem in the rough like a woman that was searching for information on an early 20th century circus that I actually have a large amount of information about that I have not yet put online.
It is inevitable that my now seven-year-old daughter will want to use social networking sites, so we have a paid subscription to Club Penguin, which I was glad to see mentioned in the Frontline program. Most of what she wants to do other than play with her friends (many of which are classmates who we socialize with outside of school) is look at pictures of cats, which she does on Catster, and share photos, which she does through my Pro account on Flickr so I can screen feedback and contact from other users.
I know it will get more challenging to deal with her desires for online site use as she gets older, but I feel better having the computer in the dining room and accounts I have to approve before she can use (several popular toy websites, like Bratz.com, require parental permission for an account) so I know what she's doing and where she's visiting. My husband forbid non-homework Internet use at home when his daughter was a teenager and she just used social networking sites and instant messaging applications at her friends' homes so he had no idea what she was doing online.
Both blog and comment make great points and I am in accordance with both. It comes down to parents just need to be more aware of what their child does and more active in talking to them about it. I, personally, use monitoring software (PC Pandora -- best decision ever), but every parent has his or her own style - main point is to get involved!!
"Additionally, as a shy and private geezer myself, I am baffled. Why would anyone expose so much of themselves online for the world to see? Why would anyone want to have a few thousand anonymous friends with whom to communicate?"
I'm no expert on child psychology, but I'm guessing--based on my own memories of being a teenager (I'm early 30's)--that while networking can pose the obvious predator risks, it poses little to no emotional risks unless the child is the victim of cyber-bullying.
Adolescence and the teen years are fraught with worry over acceptance, rejection, and self-identity, and I think it must feel easier for some teens to share online with people they never have a chance to meet face-to-face. Because then they don't run the risk of face-to-face rejection.
Actually, I think online social networking is great for kids/teens in theory, b/c it does give them an anonymous platform to experiment with their self-image and provide an outlet for the parts of their personalities they may not feel comfortable expressing in "real" life because of peer pressure. The appeal of conformity during those tough puberty years is enormous, so I imagine online identities are a relief to some kids.
It's a shame that some teens share too much personal information and that predators use that knowledge to take advantage in the worst possible way.
I think it's great that you encourage parents to be active online with their children early and often. With the proliferation of instant messaging, social networking and more, it's more important than ever for parents to know what their children are doing online. I am an advocate of monitoring software that alerts parents when it detects a potential problem. If you are considering monitoring your children, I suggest you check out http://gomcgruff.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/01/to-tell-or-not.html to learn how to discuss it with your children.
Try this site to get your kids safe FREE McGruff Internet browser for kids. http://www.mcgruffbrowser.com/
No matter how hard you try, no matter how many McGruffs you order, your kids are going to be loose on the internet without adults over their shoulder.
I think - like watching TV - the key is from early childhood to sit with them and go online together and discuss how to handle themselves and what is appropriate and what to do if things turn sour.
Anonymous communication is no communication at all. I can't help but believe these sites are bad news for our kids.
I agree that parents have to rise to the challenge of ensuring their kids' safety when using the Internet. However, there's a bigger issue at play here that's being overlooked...
Our society has developed a cavalier & overzealous emphasis on pushing computers on kids. The contention is that they must be thoroughly saturated with technology in order to have any kind of success later in life. But I've seen little or no indication that this truly is a key to better learning or a better life. Countless genuises existed long before the advent of computer - a child's learning ability or potential have little to do with technology and much more to do with creative thinking and problemsolving.
Ultimately though, don't we have a greater responsibility to ensure that kids learn to exist & thrive in the real world before thrusting them headlong into the inescapable cyber-world?
Undoubtedly, children should be given opportunities to acquire computer-use skills, but the ever-increasing emphasis on pushing that at such an early age truly disturbs me. That kids now start using computers in kindergarten is a bit stunning. Seems to me that kids need time to just be kids. I'd rather children learn to draw or play ball before they learn video games & instant messaging.
Aren't we short-changing kids if we don't prioritize learning how to interact with the real world & develop social skills first over technology-based skills?
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