The Parent Blame Game
Sally is a two and a half year old with tight blond curls. She came to my Pediatric Developmental Clinic with her worried parents because of poor language and communication skills, along with unusual behaviors and interactions that concerned both her parents and her early intervention program.
Throughout the exam I noticed Sally watching toys from the corner of her eye and examining the perceptual qualities (like the color or shape) of objects but not their function. I noticed she got incredibly upset whenever I interfered with her lining up the toys. I noticed she made little eye contact with me or with her parents. I noticed she had no spontaneous meaningful words. I noticed her moods changed in an instant, often for no apparent reason.
* * *
Autism can be a hard diagnosis to make and harder still to explain to parents in a way that is factual and without sugar-coating, but not devoid of hope and empathy. After a long tearful discussion, the Mom said: "I don't know what to do. I can't tell my family about this."
"Why not?" I asked, perplexed. "Most parents of autistic kids need and get a lot of support from their families."
"They'll blame me for it." was her stunning response. "Already they say it's my fault that Sally is the way she is. They say I coddle her and give in too easily to her tantrums. If only I were firm, they tell me, she'd be fine."
"But" I sputtered, "that's completely ignorant. She's autistic. Nobody thinks it's caused by bad parenting anymore. It's a neurological condition. And, anyway, you're great parents."
"Well, they don't think so," she said softly. "I'm not sure if they will ever forgive me for this."
I felt doubly bad for these parents. Not only had they just received very distressing news about their child, but they carried the fear of being blamed by their family for it. I was reminded of the bad old days, when children were considered born with a "blank slate" and autism was blamed on emotionally distant, "refrigerator" mothers.
"But" I sputtered, "that's completely ignorant. She's autistic. Nobody thinks it's caused by bad parenting anymore. It's a neurological condition. And, anyway, you're great parents."
"Well, they don't think so," she said softly. "I'm not sure if they will ever forgive me for this."
I felt doubly bad for these parents. Not only had they just received very distressing news about their child, but they carried the fear of being blamed by their family for it. I was reminded of the bad old days, when children were considered born with a "blank slate" and autism was blamed on emotionally distant, "refrigerator" mothers.
* * *
When the book on which I collaborated with Dr. Spock came out (my 15 minutes of fame), I was dutifully sent on a promotional book tour. One part of it consisted of sitting in a bare radio studio, looking at a blank wall, wearing headphones. Every few minutes some radio station talk show host from Anywhere, USA would call in and pepper me with a few questions.
The very first question (oft repeated throughout the hellish day) by a loud-voiced talk show host (you know the type) was "So, tell us, Dr. Parker, what are some of the worst things parents are doing these days to their kids?" I suppose parent-bashing makes for good ratings.
Why else might "blame the parents" be such a popular cottage industry? Part of it is ignorance, plain and simple. Most parent-bashers have no idea of the forces shaping children's development and behavior and harbor the archaic "blank slate" belief that all we become is due to effects of the environment, which has written on the blank slate with which we are born. If a child has any behavioral and/or developmental challenges, it must come from bad parenting.
These are the folks who often are parents and - by dint of luck and perhaps some skill - have not experienced any significant problems with their impeccably behaved, successful kids. Of course, they attribute 100% of this success to their marvelous parenting skills (nurture) and 0% to a lucky throw of the genetic dice (nature). They judgmentally wag their fingers: if only all parents were as good as me, all kids would do as well as mine.
These are the folks who, when I wrote about the difficult issues of using psychoactive medications in children, contended that using meds in kids is a travesty, that the parents who use such medications (like Ritalin) with their kids are those who just don't know how to parent, who can't tolerate any misbehavior in their lives and who, in their lazy selfishness, want to chemically restrain a normally unruly child. (By the way, I've never met such a parent).
These are the folks who tsk tsk tsk the beleaguered mom whose child is having a temper tantrum in the supermarket and reproach loudly, "Why can't you control your child?"
These are the folks who are, in short, self-righteous twits.
As my wise grandmother used to say (in a different language), "It's easy to beat on someone else's behind."
* * *
To be fair, my profession is no stranger to parent-bashing. Most pediatricians, alas, never took a course in developmental psychology in their lives (even worse, they don't think they need one). They become pediatricians and - poof! - they are considered experts in child development, which they most assuredly are not.
Rather, they are subject to the same "blank slate" prejudice as everyone else, so they don't recognize the child's contribution (such as a difficult temperament) to the problem. They often unsympathetically blame the parents for everything. They overgeneralize from their own limited personal family experiences (good or bad) and may be insensitive to problems they never personally experienced. And they overrate what did and did not work with their own kids.
All of this is magnified during pediatric training by being taught how magically effective (1-2-3 magic!) measures like time-out are (dream on). So, if a child continues to misbehave despite the wonderful advice we have given their parents, it must be that the parents are not doing their job. Rotten kid = rotten parent. Bash, bash, bash. End of discussion.
* * *
Most tragically, it is parents (like Sally's) who have kids with significant developmental and behavioral challenges that are the most likely to be criticized by an unholy trifecta: by the media and popular pundits because it makes for good, simple-minded talk radio and TV and book sales, by other parents who lack the imagination and empathy to understand what another parent is really going through, and by their own pediatricians who blame it all on their imperfect parenting skills.
I think the vast majority of parents love their kids passionately and are trying with all their might to do the right thing by them. And, all in all, most do a pretty darn good job of raising their kids and make the right decisions when there are challenges to be faced.
Parent-bashing is almost always unfair, misguided and, worst of all, cruel. Just remember that the next time you are tempted to cast the hairy eyeball on some poor mom whose child is out of control in a public place.
At the very least, you can remember there but for fortune... Better still, lend them a helpful hand and a sympathetic ear and a kind word.
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Technorati Tags: autism, parenting, blame game, pediatrics, special needs
37 Comments:
I disagree with you. I think many of the problems with today's children are due to overindulgent parents. If that makes me a basher, so be it.
Alison, there are certainly overindulgent parents out there but I'm not one of them and I had the same kind of reaction from family and strangers alike when my ADHD kid could not keep still no matter what.
It's really humiliating to feel like you have to constantly berate your child in public in order to pacify the critics standing on the right and left of you in line. Maybe you should let the parents be parents and not be so quick to judge.
oh, and a ps...
then when we medicate them so they can do better in school and behave more like you'd like them to we're bashed for medicating them too. Until you walk in my shoes, don't judge.
As a parent of an autistic child, I get critical looks and remarks from strangers every time my boy starts flapping his arms and making funny sounds.
What has helped is having him wear a t-shirt that says: "I'm autistic. Be nice to my mom". Now strangers seem much more sympathetic and helpful.
(shirt available at
http://www.zazzle.com/pd/find/qs-autism/pt-235?CMPN=SearchGoogleshirts)
Once again, another bit of gold on Dr. P's blog. Thank you so much for saying what we all feel, but sometimes doubt, even in ourselves.
Excellent post. I agree. I am an educator and I see this daily. Every child is different and I believe nature plays a HUGE part.
Maybe if we stopped judging and tried to empathize, the world would be a better place.
I agree totally with Dr. P. I am a trained therapist and a parent of a highly sensitive child ( no not one with a diagnosis or any other type of medical label). I have always supported parent's and children's struggles. However, until I experienced the difficulties for myself, I had a very limited prior knowledge that I wasn't aware of. The "so-called helpful" comments in public are demoralizing and potentially harmful to your child, particularly if it shows the child that this pressure will change the parent-child relationship.
Please, if help is needed, seek it. But, use your heart and mind when weighing "professional" opinions. We all have them, but we are not always right nor do we always agree with each other.
God Bless and love those kids.
First of all, as a foster parent I've seen first hand how bad parenting affects the behavior of even the youngest of children. That being said, I believe what most people call bad parenting is usually just normal parenting, and at worst merely ignorant parenting. The vast, vast majority of parents are sincerely trying to do right by their children. Even the best of parents make mistakes, and even some of the worst parents don't do it intentionally.
Case in point: different children raised by the exact same parents turn out very different behaviorally.
I also think judgmental people use the wrong metrics to judge parents. Every child goes through a tantrum phase. Two ways to end a tantrum quickly are to hit the child or give him what he wants. A parent who employs one of those methods would not be criticized by a stranger for not controlling their child, but they wouldn't be a very good parent, either. Sometimes, ignoring the tantrum until you finish shopping and can send them to their room to calm down is the best thing you can do for your child under the circumstances.
Go ahead and give yourself a little credit, but count yourself lucky if you have well-behaved children. But please, give other parents the benefit of the doubt. It's impossible to tell by looking at a child whether he is autistic, ADHD, otherwise mentally impaired, or thinks people don't love you unless they beat you until you're black and blue, and unless you've had a child like that you have no idea what's it's like to parent them. That parent you're looking down your nose at may be one of the best and most noble you've ever met.
My comment is for Alison and it regards overindulgent parents. I believe there are two types of overindulgent parents.
The first type is able to give thier children more than they got as children so they do that, however; they do not lead the kids to believe they are entitled to that treatment from everyone. Kids raised like this often get plenty of presents at their birthdays and Christmas but not everytime they want something.
The second type of overindulgent parent gives thier children everything they ask for instead of giving them their attention. They do this out of guilt and it leads the kids to think that if you love me you will get this for me. These parents are doing what they think is best but it can lead to problems with their kids.
Kids learn by the examples they are given not by the amount of material things they are given. If a child always sees a parent using clout to get his way, then the child will do this to. Likewise if a child sees a parent give old toys and clothing to charity, the child will have a giving spirit.
A parent can use the overindulgence to teach children how to share with others less fortunate.
I am what you would probably consider an overindulgent parent; yet I have been told that I have two of the nicest teenagers you will ever meet. You see, I also taught them how to share and respect those in authority. I did not give them things to make them be quiet but because I wanted to and could afford it.
As a mother with 4 children who each have strikingly different personalities, I completely agree with this article. Some of my kids find it easy to manage their behavior, while one doesn't, and there aren't many threats/rewards I can make to get him to behave in a pinch.
I obviously don't know Alison (1st comment), but I used to agree with her philosophy, until I had my second child. Perhaps her children (I assume that she is a parent, or she has no basis to make her statement) are perfect... she is lucky indeed.
If not the parents, then who is to blame when kids go bad? I think most of you are letting parental responsibility off the hook.
Why does the focus need to be on BLAMING, anyway? What does that do to solve anything??
I am a pretty darned lucky parent, but even so my preschooler does have strong emotions and struggles with self-control under emotional conditions. What I find very interesting is that in those moments, MY side of the family blames me for being too lenient, and my IN-LAWS blame me for being too strict/severe.
My feeling is that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. My job is to guide my child over the long haul to learn how to live contentedly in this society. It can't happen overnight, and we just keep trying: "practice makes progress." He is still learning (and so am I -- to be the parent of THIS child, not some kid in the abstract), and he has his own personal set of abilities and challenges. So, yes, he can melt down sometimes, he can try on behaviors that I find unacceptable or unsafe, etc. But he's not a finished product (okay, "product" isn't a great choice of words here, but you know what I mean).
My goal is to guide my child to become a good, decent, well-adjusted, hard-working man, not a silent kid at the supermarket. He'll be an adult far longer than he'll be a child, remember.
I've had enough of these "parent-bashers" as well as people who claim that autism is caused by vaccinations, birth by c-section, being induced, epidurals, ect. Enough with the blaming
Alison, I hope you have a son or daughter with autism, OCD, ADHD, or severe depression. I hope you meet with underinformed teachers, parents, school counsellors. I hope you are the target of vicious gossip and smug self righteousness from fellow parents and people you thought were your friends. Most of all, I hope your child is diagnosed too late for effective treatment because you though it could not ever happen to you, because you are such a GOOD parent and these diagnoses only happen to the children of "overindulgent" parents. If overindulgent parenting and not biochemistry were the cause, then why do the medications work so well in so many cases? Good luck. You'll need it.
Wow! I certainly seem to have touched a nerve!
I want to say I was NOT referring to parents of kids who were born problems, for whom I have notning but sympathy. I was referring to the parents who spoil and coddle their kids who then end up to be selfish and bratty.
Alison-
The problem with your original comment is that you are judging parents whose situation you don't know. Yes, there are parents who are over-indulgent, and their children may be bratty in public... on the other hand, some people spoil their children, and the children are fine. So much is based on an innate personality that children come programmed with. My 4 children have all been different even in utero. And some of them have more trouble behaving in certain unavoidable situations in public. Some kids just act out more than others... and all the punishment (or whatever you would like parents to try) doesn't work. That doesn't mean I haven't stopped trying to find what works (which is constantly evolving, I might add). It just means you may see me on a bad day (or month or year!) And especially with younger children, there is often times no reasoning with them... they don't understand it.
The main problem with judging parents of children you may see acting out in public is that you don't know their particular situation... You often can't tell if the child is just throwing a tantrum (which children will do) or if they have some serious issues. And even if they are throwing a tantrum, it doesn't mean the parents are over-indulgent.
By the way, Alison... I don't wish a difficult child on you... but I do wish you would have more compassion... even for imperfect parents.
you can't blame parents for a kids temper.kids are just testing their boundaries.I have three kids and people including family have said I'm to lenient with them .thats okay OPINIONS ARE LIKE ###HOLES EVERYONE'S GOT ONE
I'll stick with the old saying "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything". As a mother of 3 wonderful kids (most of the time), one with major health and developmental issues (been on the receiving end of blame to many times to count), I have caught myself thinking unkind things about other parents, if they did this or that, then their child wouldn't being doing whatever it is they are doing. Then I realize, what do I know, like I'm perfect, I usually try and offer some form of help, even if it ends up being just a friendly smile.
Blaming is a waste of time and energy.
alison - if you see a 7yr old child having a temper tantrum in the grocery store .. who are you to judge if that child has a disability or is a result of "overindulgent parents". Who are you to know anything about that child who may have autism, downs, ADD/HD ??
This article was not about problems with children. It was about autism and the struggles parents face. Autism is not caused by overindulgent parents.
as a mom of an high functioning autistic son, I get the look from everyone even teachers when my son doesn't do what he is supposed to be doing, when he gets a tantrum how I cant even take him to family things because if his behavior and how family and people look at the parents like if its are fault what else can we due, we shouldn't get judged no ones perfect....
I believe that sometimes the parents are to blame and not always because of bad parenting. Drug use, alchol use, and cigarette all cause learning disabilities even years after use.
Sometimes its in the genes and that is not the parents fault.
And sometimes it is just bad parents.
But, you should never judge until you know the whole story.
I have worked with children in group homes or with disabilities most of my adult life. The health nurse is right parents are to blame when drugs and alchol are involved. But we cant judge unless we know the hole story. We forget that children are children they throw temper tantrums to learn. Weather they learn it gets them what they want, a time out, or a spanking is up to the parents. Even children with disabilities eventually learn some control with the right support to their parents/caregiviers but sometimes not until they are adults. Dont pity or feel sorry for parents who have disabilities encorage and be proud of the hard work they have to put in to working with thier children so they can be part of our society. Most parents I have meet would not change their disabled child for the whole world they give them such joy and pain in a way a "normal" child never could.
I have found that a reassuring smile goes a long way when either my adhd son is acting up, or I see another parent going through the same struggles in public. Before my son was diagnosed, I was constantly criticized by strangers, family and friends... the funny thing was that the ones dishing out the most criticism were the worst when it came to babysitting him, and eventually lost my trust as caregivers. They couldn't do a fraction of what I did. compassion and an understanding that you have no ideal what a parent has gone though in a day when you see them struggling with their child goes so much further than casting judgment.
I used to think my nephew was a total brat and if my sister would just discipline him, he would be fine. When he was diagnosed with Asperber's I read what I could on it and was open to what my sister told me. Four years later, I can honestly say, I REALLY LIKE my nephew and we get along GREAT!! Getting his diagnosis was such a relief to the whole family. Now he gets the help he needs, and the rest of us understand he isn't being a naughty boy and his parents get the support they so desperately need and want.
My two year old was just diagnose with Autism and my family does blame me for his behavior problem. In fact I blame myself as well because I was so naive that I did not know I was pregnant at all until I was in labor. Yes, I was 34 weeks therefore I didn't take no prenatal vitamins and kept on partying including drinking and smoking not just only cigarettes so yes I DO BLAME MYSELF! He is mild autistic, he does communicate but has a behavior problem I don't know what to think. Your article did in a way help me in a way to understand that not all are perfect parents. I am only 26 yrs old and did not expect to be a parent until later and for sure I was not ready at all! My family does blame me because of all the things I did when I was pregnant and it does hurt cause I know well I feel that I do have a part to blame in this diagnoses.
I think that you can't judge a parent until you walk in a parent of a autistic child's feet!
When these health, behavior and psychological issues are at epidemic proportions not only in the US but in many developed countries I think it is time for parents to quit listening to the "professionals" and start your own research. If the professionals had the answers, they would surely have told you by now. It is time to look at the drug companies. Do your own research. The stuff that doesn't get in the paper or in the brochures that they give you at Dr's office.
I'll never understand our propensity to believe whatever is easiest. Try starting with understanding what your food and medication is actually doing to you. One book to start with is The Hundred Year Lie by Randall Fitzgerrald ISN 0-525-94951-8. I have not personally verified all the statistics but if anything he says is 20% accurate you should be very alarmed.
There is enough research available to prove that our processed diet and drugs (including 'preventive drugs') severely impact our body and mind's proper function. It is criminal that the medical industry does not address those issues as first priority.
Patty - A parent with a personal example related to allergies.
I urge parents to talk to Health Nutritionists who can help with cleansing, chiropractors, etc. Again, if the (majority) of MD's had a solution not a drug, they would tell you. I do not believe they are intentionally leading you astray but they are not trained in those areas. Therefore they cannot advise.
I agree with this article. Parents are not to blame for Autism or any similar diagnosis. As a mother of 4 and a preschool educator for many years I have personally dealt with Autistic chidren, I dearly loved them, I enjoyed working with them. The ones I worked with were moderate to high functioning. They were very smart and although they had some behavior issues, it was due to them not understanding their world, not because they wanted to be brats or their parents gave them too much. They simply didn't understand their world, it was my job to help them understand that world. What will they understand from from those of you who make rude comments or judging stars - what would YOU do, how would YOU live life and handle going in public if YOU had an autistic child or one with a similar diagnosis. Like others on this post have said, don't judge until you know the whole story. I believe most of those out there judging these parents have no idea what Autism or the like is, much less how to handle everything that comes with that. It takes special parents to love their child(ren) through autism.
To all:
This is a great discussion overall, but I have deleted some comments which were attacking others. Please limit your comments to the topic at hand and refrain from personal attacks on others participating in the discussion.
Thank you!
Health Nurse, I would have to disagree.
I do not drink, smoke or use any drugs. During pregnancy, I didn't even use so much as an aspirin. I had 33 hours of Natural Childbirth with no epidural and no IV drugs or painkillers of any kind. My daughter was born full-term, healthy and needed no medical help(oxygen, etc.) Yet,my daughter has a "developmental delay" which was 'dicovered' at 15 months and genetics have been ruled out. Some things, we all have to accept, are beyond our direct control. You have seen a lot, but do not be so judgemental. Despite my daughters challenges, I wouldn't trade her for the world.
The parent blame game hurts and is frustrating for those that are being blamed, especially while you are pointing fingers and telling the parents what they have done wrong you don't realise the parents probably have already blamed themselves.
As the parent to a child diagnosed with ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) & Bipolar, my husband & I blamed outselves for years, thinking his behavior had something to do with the way we raised him. We picked apart EVERYTHING we'd done with him since birth. When it comes down to it, nothing we've done will change the problems our son exhibits. He's been taught & seen everything his older and younger brothers have, and they are ADHD, ODD or Bipolar.
We've had family and friends tell us we're too hard on him, or too indulgent, etc. If we tried to listen to EVERYONE'S advice our children wouldn't know what end is up.
Bottom line is, if you haven't walked in my shoes, please don't judge me, you don't know what it's like and I hope you will never have to experience a moment of our lives. I do the best to raise my children to be the best they can, and I would only hope the person who is pointing fingers realise that they're children are looking up at them and learning to be judgmental just like their parents.
I know all about people judging parents. I have a two year old and people think just because I'm a young parent that I don't know what I'm doing. Everytime we're out in public and my son starts to throw a tantrum. People just look at me and shake their heads. One time a lady came up to me and gave me her card for child services. That made me feel so bad. I felt like it was my fault for the way my kid was acting. I try to be the best mother I know how to be. The things I'm not sure of I ask my aunts or my grandmother about.
I have two older brothers. We were all raised the exact same way. All of us turned out totally different. My oldest brother well he's the bad seed always getting into trouble of some sort. Then there's my other brother very smart and works very hard to live normally as a single 20 something male. Then there's me who is a stay at home mom with a husband. Who is just trying to get by in the world raising her family the best she knows how.
The author ridicules people who place 100% of the blame on parenting skills. Good point, sure, I must agree. But the absence of the contrary view implies that "bad kids" are 100% (or nearly so) due to genetics. The fact that he doesn't come right out and say it allows him to hedge later, but the implication is certainly there. In fact, it's part genetics and part parenting. It's nature and nurture, in different proportions for each kid.
Also, he uses a rare (prevalence ~7/1000 at age 8 as of 2002, according to CDC) disorder to demonstrate his point. Sure, some kids can't run because they are paralyzed, but that can't be generalized into the population to excuse childhood obesity due to lack of exercise.
I'm not making light of autism. It's a tough thing to deal with, I know. But comparing the struggle of an average parent with an unruly child to the problems the parent of an autistic child faces....that is making light of autism.
The author isn't saying bad parenting doesn't exist... he is saying not to judge if you don't know a person's situation.
I find it fascinating how easy some choose to judge. The key words here are *CHOOSE to JUDGE*. Each parent is as different as each child - most do the best we can. Some should never have been parents in the first place; having said that, there are plenty who are magnificent parents and still manage to be treated to the evil eye by those who feel they "know better" out in the "mean streets". Now, my kids haven't got any issues of any kind as far as I know - they're not ADHD, autistic or bipolar or anything else - they're just normal kids who from time to time. They're kids, it happens. I'm cranky, too, from time to time. I'm human, it happens. We all become Linda Blair sometimes (hopefully barring the pea soup......among other things LOL) the thing is, trying to regain that perspective about what's going on with our kids isn't always easy. It's especially not easy when our parenting skills are being judged because our kids are having a bad day. Putting someone on the defensive is only going to inspire a hard, fast case of parent-rage. That does no-one any good, least of all the children involved.
The only parents I see as truly bad parents are the ones who, much like those who live across the street from us, choose to ignore the actions of their children and allow them to steal from, beat up and trespass oh yes, tagging....can't forget the tagging....and the general gangbanger wannabe behavior. The three boys, ages 11 - 19 all have police records and yet the parents all claim that they have never done a single thing wrong. Ever. Rather that the entire neighborhood is out to get them. Right, and that tag on my minivan painted itself. I must be out to get muself a little 'street cred'. Word. (I must really be something in my dodge caravan *SNORT* frumpy hous frau and kids in tow.....intimidating!!!)
That old cliche "Don't judge a person till you have walked a mile in their shoes" would have been a better cliche if it stopped at "Don't judge" (unless of course you ARE a judge and get paid to do that sort of thing). It's rarely helpful, harmful to others sense of self worth and may put you in the awkward situation of having to appoligize later for being wrong (supposing you are the kind of "judge" who admits to being human enough to error).
As the parent of a low functioning autistic child, I know there is always those in every crowd who can be counted apon to use their energy to assess your parenting skills rather then lend a hand (like stopping your NT toddler from running into traffic while your autistic child is "melting down" and smashing their head into the concrete). I also do not feel it is helpful, as the only "face of autism" that some people will ever see (or look at), to put people in their place and judge their "rudeness" in return. Unfortunately, (as illustrated in the initial post) most parents of special needs children blame and judge themselves enough without the help of others. So to end my comment/rant with another cliche:
Let's be part of the solution, not the problem.
I have to agree 100%. I have 2 autistic children. Going out with them is an experience at the least. Since they both "look" normal, they must be normal. So when my 7 year old talks back and takes off, people look at me like I'm a horrible parent. I've had to carry a 3 and 7 year old out of many stores. My daughter is very verbal, and unless you spend some time with her the diagnosis is not obvious. Which brings me to another problem; There are so many people who judge a child's diagnosis as a being done by a quack doctor. Because my daughter loves people, is verbal, and extremely artistic, she couldn't possibly be autistic. Every single day there is someone who tells me how to "fix" my kids. My apartment isn't clean enough, they're eating the wrong foods, I spoil them, they see too many doctors, there's no routine (I really hate this one, as if it's possible to not have some form of routine with autistic children), and the list goes on.
The biggest problem with the first poster is that my children are viewed as "normal" so I must be a bad parent. There is not another person out there that has a clue what my children are like behind closed doors, or what it takes to keep them "under control" in any public situation. This also goes for other parents; No one knows our children and why they act up.
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