Cosmetic Surgery for Toddlers
On Mothers Day, a new book called My Beautiful Mommy will be (self) published by a plastic surgeon. It's a picture book for young children that explains the ins and outs of Mommy's impending tummy tuck and nose job.
This book has generated a lot of controversy and got me thinking about children's notions of physical beauty. It also led me to a brilliant idea, which I unveil here for the first time.
**********
First, let's consider toddlers' views on what makes a person beautiful. Let's be honest, isn't it annoying how clueless they are of true standards of beauty? All children seem to think, for example, that their moms are beautiful, even if she has a big nose or sagging skin...or worse.
I ask you: is this a healthy viewpoint? If we don't teach our toddlers otherwise, won't they take this misguided view of beauty into later childhood, even adulthood? Imagine the consequences to society if everyone was considered beautiful in his/her own way.
And should we be praising toddlers for how they look, when they invariably possess offensive pot bellies and gross rolls of 'baby fat'? Give me a break. Who really likes a big fat stomach on any human of any age? You don't like one on yourself, why should you on a child? Imagine the let-down in store for them when their cherished jelly bellies become objects of ridicule by their peers!
No, far better to 1) to teach them the real standards of beauty from early on (hence: My Beautiful Mommy), and 2) at the same time help them to achieve that ideal of beauty with the help of modern medicine (hence: my brilliancy).
**********
As I thought more about this book, I realized that there's simply no excuse in this day and age for you not to be a beautiful mommy or for you to have a pug-ugly toddler. Welcome to Dr. P's Spa for Toddler Cosmetic Surgery, offering a full range of beautification services for the little ones:
- Liposuction to tuck in that protruding stomach! I have already spoken of the long-term horrors of the jelly belly.
- Hair transplants for that wispy hair. Your toddler isn't an old man. Why should his hair look like it belongs to one?
- Nose jobs (a "mini bob"). True, most toddler noses haven't yet achieved their full offensive size and shape, but there are numerous asymmetries and improper angles. A little tweaking could render them absolutely perfect.
- Shaving a few inches off thunder thighs. This also promotes walking without inter-thigh friction, which can cause unsightly rashes and an unsteady gait.
- Male member enlargement. As a man, I find toddlers' tiny weenies to be disgraceful.
- Implants (saline, not silicone - I am all about health) in girls for their pathetically undeveloped breasts. Eventually she will have to deal with womanly breasts - why not learn to manage them well before the inevitable shock of puberty?
- A butt lift. Let's be honest, on whom does a big butt ever look good? And diapers only add to their apparent heft!
- Botox to make their eyes larger. Nothing is worse in my book than beady-eyed toddlers. They look so untrustworthy.
**********
The benefits of my modest proposal will already be obvious to you. It will, for example, be easier for parents to love a cosmetically perfect child than a flawed one, so parent-child bonding will be enhanced. Other kids will admire and respect your surgically perfected child, whose social cache will skyrocket. And proper values will have been instilled from an early age.
So, watch for the grand opening of Dr. P's Spa for Toddler Cosmetic Surgery. In my humble opinion, sure to be the next great 21st century advancement in pediatric care.
Related Topics: Technorati Tags: cosmetic surgery, plastic surgery, toddlers, pediatrics, healthy children, My Beautiful Mommy
15 Comments:
Great minds work alike, Dr. P. I've always wanted to open a toddler beauty salon, complete with make-up and foot massages. I'm convinced I could find plenty of customers.
This is a horrible idea! Are you for real?
To Anon@5:34 PM: "...the purpose of satire is not primarily humor in itself so much as an attack on something of which the author strongly disapproves, using the weapon of wit."
Hear hear, Dr P.
Dr. P - You neglected dental implants for the missing two front and other as yet unerupted teeth.
The scary part of this is that there is probably some little girl beauty pageant parent out there wishing this were for real...and wondering if you could do anything about the color of Baby Jaynee's eyes.
Very funny, but your readers should not take this to demean the wonderful work done by plastic surgeons in correcting very real problems in children, like cleft lips and palates, burns, and other inborn malformations and trauma injuries.
Of course no one is mocking physicians who do amazing work correcting congenital deformities and trauma injuries. They truly are heroes.
But then there are the utzes who think we should teach children that a person's value is based on how close to perfect they look...
The fact that we have people who do not recognize a satirical masterpiece such as this, is case in point to the level of societal thinking and understanding that makes books like “Mommy” sell.
While we are at it, how about spending mucho bucks for designer toddler clothes? Little Gucci shoes for $250!? It's obscene.
No child should ever have to get cosmetic surgery to "look beautiful" like their disgusting mothers.
They would only ever need it if they were in a deforming accident.
well.. remember jonbenet the little girl who had all the makeup on and sexy clothes, you people need to wake up!! look what happened to her! if you think your kids look good and want to place them in a contest, it should be natural beauty!!!not like an adult! people go way to far with this!
some people will do anything for money!!!!!!!!!!!including putting there kids lives at risk!!!!!!!!
You made my day, doc! Well said!
Anon@4/22/08 5:56pm,
You took the words right out of my mouth! *grin*
this is not funny.
wouldnt it make more sence to have our children accept other for who they are and not what they look like. You have a low acceptance to others problems that they may no be able to help. I cna't belive you even consider this as an idea. Think it through. Maybe you could in corperate that glasses are for retarteds again. And fat people cant come out into public. Or hell why not lets start calling each other the n word and crackers. Get the picture??
Post a Comment