Cruel Kids and Tribalism
I just read of a newspaper story (which I'll discuss below) which triggered two related memories from my childhood.
Memory #1: I grew up in a nice middle class neighborhood in Detroit, with cozy houses, fenced in backyards, and close neighbors. I rode my bike all around the area with freedom and had a gaggle of kids to play with. Except Billie Wiggins, with whom I never associated. He lived about five houses away, but it might as well have been on the moon. Billie talked funny, said incomprehensible things, acted eccentrically, even looked bizarre in an ill-defined, clumsy, overweight way. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure he was moderately autistic, but at the time "weirdo" was as far as I got.
Memory #2: In my elementary school, Fred had a huge, oddly shaped head. He walked with a tentative, shuffling gait and looked so fragile I thought he could break at any second. Worse, once he had a two minute seizure in my 3rd grade class, which terrified me and everyone else, although we never discussed it. When he walked by, some of my friends would taunt him: "Here comes Fred with the light bulb head." Needless to say, Fred was no pal of mine. Even being seen talking to him was inconceivable. He was not my kind and I didn't want anyone to think he was.
**********
In my defense, I wasn't overtly mean to Billie or to Fred. But - to my eternal shame - neither was I at all friendly. Never did I tell my friends to cool it with the cruel taunts. Never did I attempt to get to know either of them. Never did I empathize with the hell they were going through.
I was, after all, a kid and - let's be clear-eyed about this - kids can be incredibly cruel. Differences in others are inherently threatening, mandating excommunication from the tribe of peers, to be avoided at all costs, lest you too be perceived as weird and banished. It is such peer culture (not peer pressure) that rules the world.
But, I wonder now, where were the adults? Why didn't my parents talk to me about Billie and force me to go visit with him and his parents to dispel my fears and fantasies? Why didn't my teachers inform us about the nature of Fred's seizure and disability, and put an end to our cruel taunts?
**********
These two childhood memories came to mind as I read of an incident in a school in Florida. Seems that a teacher organized a vote by the 5 year olds in her kindergarten class on whether to expel a child who was a pain in the butt and frankly weird. (You can read the whole sorry story here.)
Big surprise, the class voted 14-2 to kick the kid out. Aside from how breathtakingly cruel and boneheaded it was to give 5 year olds the right to vote (hey, why not let 5 year olds vote on what kind of meals they want, on what their bedtime should be, on whether their little sisters should be sent to prison), the teacher gave voice to and supported the children's meaner prejudices, and allowed them to rule the day.
**********
To be sure, we all have within us the capacity for such cruelty. But so too do we all have nobler instincts, like generosity and empathy. Which of these warring instincts will develop and flourish as we mature has everything to do with the adults and teachers in our lives.
If you encourage me to despise the Billies and the Freds of the world, if you teach me that all such others belong to another species altogether and are therefore deserving of only our contempt, then that early human instinct for hating those outside our group enlarges and fuels the horrific headlines which we read every day, in which humans are not murdered, but cleansed from the earth, like a lowly germ.
In my view, tribalism is a great scourge. The problem is not so much that we identify with and adhere to groups with similar interests or beliefs (I, for one, am currently a member of the Detroit Pistons' tribe), it's that those who are not in our affiliative group are accorded sub-human status and, as such, are fair game to exploit, to taunt, to banish, to diminish, to cleanse.
In our shrinking global village, we see the destructive effects of tribalism all around us and can ill afford not to treat all humans as members of our same tribe, worthy of our respect and consideration. If we are to transcend our baser instincts, that lesson needs to start early and often, taught by parents and teachers, taught by you and me.
Related Topics:
Technorati Tags: Alex Barton, Wendy Portillo, tribalism, discrimination, bullying, autism
33 Comments:
Wonderful post, Dr. P. But you left out another important piece of the equation: the media. TV has done a great job recently to depict and humanize "different" folks -those with disabilities, those who are gay, etc. It's powerful force and gives me hope that today's generation will be a lot more tolerant of diversity than mine ever was.
OK, this teacher was obviously wrong. But a class of 17 5 year olds can be completely disrupted by one child with major behavioral problems, making it impossible for the other children to learn. What should she do in those circumstances?
What should she do? Well given that most classes have a "difficult" child (or two or more) and given that she's supposed to be trained to deal with an average class (not a perfect one) she should have coped. There was enough information on the boy's difficulties for there to have been an IEP (and she participated in that) so why did she accept the situation and not point out the need for a helper if she didn't think she could cope?
What she did wasn't just wrong, it was INHUMAN
Great article. I remember making jokes about the "short bus" when I was in school ... filled with mysterious occupants that were wisked off to a school I never saw. Now I'm the mom of an Aspie who has ridden the short bus all his life ... to the neighborhood school where he is accomodated. There are tribal bullies to be sure, but the best teachers find the nurturing kids to have him sit near. Let's here it for those teachers and those kids who reach beyond the differences to find the common ground! You are truly the hope for the future.
If the kid was being disruptive and hindering everyone's learning, they should have voted him out.
Why should one disruptive kid have the right to disturb the class?
They should NOT have voted him out! Look at all the school shootings that happen every year by kids that have been ostracized by their peers. The teacher should have used a little empathy and reinforced his good behavior while turning his bad behavior into "teaching moments" for character education. If the student was too much her the teacher to handle, she should have got an IEP and asked for a personal para to assist her with him. Instead of acting cruel to a child who probably doesn't understand himself why he acts the way he does.
The teacher may have asked for a para or said he was too much to handle and still given no help. I teach kindergarten and have had kids that threw chairs and scissors at me and I was not given a para to help with the child. What she did was not right but I can understand how frustrated she probably was. The child probably does not belong in the mainstream classroom. It is not fair to the other 20 some kids in the class to constantly have the teacher dealing with a disruptive student.
Great post! I have an autistic child and I know they can be difficult but that is no reason to demean a child in this way. If the teacher was having a hard time with the child this was not the way to solve her problems. The family was in the process of getting a diagnosis on him. Schools will not give special help to the child without a diagnosis. If she could only have been more patient. The parents and the child have lost trust in this school and the school system. Not to mention the lasting psychological damage inflicted on the boy. We all need to be more understanding.
I find it extremely disheartening that people actually think what this teacher did was ok. There may not be a way to "correct" the child's behavior and I understand her frustration, but there is an opportunity in this kind of situation to teach the other kids tolerance, patience, empathy, and compassion (all things our society is truly lacking). Don't tell me its impossible to respond to the situation positively. I've experienced teachers using different approaches, and the ones I learned the most from were the ones who patiently and tactfully dealt with the disruptions.
This misguided teacher bullied a child for his weaknesses instead of nurturing his strengths. I feel sorry for the child who was tortured and also for the kids in his class, who were taught (incorrectly) that the response to diversity is alienation.
My son had a very disruptive student in his K class. Believe me, there were times when we all would have liked to vote him out. But he stayed and now, in 3rd grade, he's a productive, if somewhat still odd, member of their class community.
My kid didn't get as much information about the ABC's as he probably should have from his K teacher. But he learned invaluable lessons about patience, compassion, difference, accommodation, and our capacity as humans to embrace each other even with our flaws.
I taught him the ABC's at home and figured he was doing just fine.
I wish that poor kid had a teacher and a school that understood how to handle his issues. He and his classmates would all have been better off.
The teacher's reaction to a difficult situation was appalling. Not only did she make the children vote a boy out of class but she asked them all to individually tell him what they didn't like about him. She publicly deeply humiliated him.
The fact that he has special needs is secondary to the outrageous behavior of the teacher. No child on this earth should be subjected to such treatment.
So now the teacher has had her side of the story presented:
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/977845,kinder052908.article
Here's her defense:
"After students shared their view, Morningside Elementary teacher Wendy Portillo had them vote, but said the vote was only to keep Alex Barton out of class for the day, not for good.
Portillo said she did this as she felt that if (Alex) heard from his classmates how his behavior affected them that it would make a bigger difference to him, rather than just hearing it from adults," according to a report released Thursday morning by the Port St. Lucie Police Department."
So her reasoning was if Alex's peers could all voice their
displeasure with him, he would suddenly buck up and gain control over his behavior and be a good boy.
Has this ever happened to any child in the history of the world? How can a kindergarten teacher be so misguided about how to help children in her charge?
Do you guys know what a para is?
para is the helper that the teacher would have in there room, most of them are really great helpers. para stands fr paraprofessional.
As a teacher myself I can understand the frustration disuptions are in the classroom, but this is SO uncalled for it leaves me speechless that any teacher would do such a thing and even attempt to justify it.
The teacher was wrong for what she did. She is supposed to teach the kids to get along.
Plus, she should have been told about his possible condition and the testing for it. The principal and mother failed here.
Thanks brew1!
The mother and the principal failed? Hardly - the mom is in the process of having her child assessed for Asbergers Syndrome, a form of autism. A formal assessment must take place to determine what services are required for a child.
The school had several IEP meetings. For those who may not understand what this means, it stands for "Individualized Education Plan." The appropriate school staff (and this included this particular teacher) and the parents meet to determine what special; needs the child has and how they are going to be met.
The mom and the school seem to have been on the right track. This teacher though was completely off track and just plain cruel.
I hope all of you who are so outraged will vote yes to raise your proerty taxes so schools can have adequate resources to do right both by special needs and 'typical' students. As it is our schools are woefully underfunded.
Thank you to all of you who said what the teacher did was wrong, even though they could understand her frustration. To all of you that agreed with what she did, shame on you. SHAME ON YOU!
I recently heard a story about a kid who was constantly tormented by his teacher, who made the students in his class agree verbally on whether or not he was bad, which he shouldn't have been an example for those kids like that. He had no problems of any kind except that he liked to talk in class.
Upon saying that, I think it's the teacher's responsibility to make sure that all the kids are in a happy, healthy learning environment. If a kid is disturbing class, that kid should quietly be taken from the class and a teacher's meeting set up with the parents. Other kids should not play a part in determining the other kid's fate in school. I'm a parent of a 2 year old and a 1 year old. My 2 year old has some social issues that we're working on right now, and if i was told that she disrupted class, then I would have to make sure to get the extra help for her. But if I was told she disrupted class and her teacher antagonized it and allowed the other students to join in, i would be frusterated with that teacher and the school for even allowing such a thing to continue.
Our kids go to school to learn, to socialize, and sometimes to have a little bit of fun. Not to be ordered around and ridiculed like some boot camp for kids.
Teachers are the adults. If they see a child disrupting class it is their job to stop the disruption and not egg it on.
I always find it humorous that people write these sorts of things when they grew up in privilege and without any direct experience with these “weirdo” kids.
I know, have been close to, and have been hurt by those with disabilities. Additionally, many of my close friends work with kids with disabilities, specifically those with autism spectrum problems, and it’s not all “if we just act nicer everyone will get along.
I remember that I was a bit of an outcast in elementary school because I didn’t act like most of the other girls. So I ended up playing with the kids that no one else wanted to play with. I soon learned that there was a big difference between the “slightly different” kids and the truly “special” kids. The kids that had mild mental retardation and Down’s Syndrome were pretty nice kids, albeit a bit slower than me. However, some of the kids were violent, and even dangerous to be around. That wasn’t just a question of “playing nice” but a completely different level of scary.
I remember that there was this one kid who ended up attacking and biting a teacher and had to go to a special school after that. Most of the other kids already didn’t like him, and it was due to that sort of innate child programming that lets you know when someone or something is dangerous.
Even today, if you go to schools that deal with diseases like severe or moderate autism and other such disorders, the children and young adults there are violent, unpredictable, and scary.
I’m not saying that they should be killed or gotten rid of, but it’s one thing to say that we’re all loveable, warts and all, and quite another to say that children should be forced to befriend the children who have severe mental conditions.
I remember when my mother forced me to play with a group of girls at school. They were all very “girly girl” and I preferred playing dinosaurs and getting dirty. They hated me for being forced to play with them, so even though they were nice (apparently my mother had talked to all their moms), they were vapid and cold to me.
I didn’t want, or need, my mother’s help to find friends, especially not superficial friends who I had nothing in common with.
So, I was alone for awhile. And it was a little difficult. But I learned how to enjoy myself while by myself, and I finally met people I could see eye to eye with. Yeah, children are mean and horrible to each other, but that helps us to grow a strong hide. Adults cannot make the world made out of Nerf, where nothing goes wrong and no one is angry or sad. To try and do so would be ludicrous. And while I think it’s horrible to abuse or neglect children, it’s also not ok to try and turn kids into a bunch of babies forever. They’re going to learn the hard facts of life now or later, and many of the hard times that I spent alone or around people I didn’t like helped me to develop the social skills to do well in those sorts of environments.
In the end, aren’t we crippling our children more if we fight their battles for them and try to shield them from any sort of hurt? The truth is, once those children are adults, they’re still treated like horrible rejects and burdens on society, even more so because they’re not cute little kids or babies anymore. I am all for helping children develop in better ways, but to erase the idea of children being…children by somehow adding more adult control, is just naive. After all, most adults act like larger versions of children anyway, they’re just more deceptive and devious about it. We say we are tolerant, but then we shun and ignore and marginalize those in our society that we don’t like and try to blame some other group of people as “prejudiced” so that we don’t have to see our own behavior is the same.
Of course, in the end, it comes down to human nature. Even in your post, you set up an enemy to rail against; those who are “intolerant” . But this enemy is US, and we are IT. Until we realize that the fundamental part of being human is not conducive to a Soma-induced daze of happy-happy-joy-joy, the more we will delude ourselves that we are superior to others who simply reflect back our own behavior.
Lowest common denominator schooling is a VERY bad idea. Once again, why can’t we have schools and classes for the kids who have problems? Most schools kind of try to do this by creating different “tracks” in school, but even this causes a lot of problems.
And as for para-professionals and stuff like that, with the major cuts to education around the country and the amount of inexperienced teachers who are being ushered into teaching with emergency credentials and little to no training on actual teaching, parents have got to understand that every time they vote to get rid of funding for schools, or against a measure or tax or bond that will help schools, they’re giving even LESS resources to a sinking ship called American Education.
It’s getting so bad, that a child can get through high school and graduate with a D average with many Fs. It basically tells kids that they don’t have to try at school since all of the class is going to be taken up with dealing with Mr. SeverelyAutistic over in the corner while the rest of the kids are stuck doing stuff that they should have learned two years ago. Add to that the fact that the teachers are not even marginally trained well enough to deal with special needs kids and that the violent behavior of some of them can actually bring students and teachers dangerous situations, this is no longer just a problem about the schools, but a problem with how parents seem to think that they can just dump their offspring on the school system and then expect their children to come out fully formed productive members of society, while also completely cutting out their own support at home by leaving their kids to be raised by TV and daycare.
Way to ignore the suffering of “normal” kids, by the way. The kids who aren’t developmentally challenged but have bad times at school and get called names and treated badly. After all, they don’t have autism or some other mental problem, so that should completely invalidate their suffering, right? They should just be ignored and have to suck it up because they don’t fit in, right?
My son had a child in his class that literally destroyed the classroom. My son was hit by this child repeatedly. I told my son to say hi to this boy and to try talking to him. A week later my son told me out of the blue that this child really isn't so mean. I talked with the teacher and found out that my son had gotten two other boys to befriend this child. The child did end up with an IEP for behavioral problems, he was also held back another year of kindergarten. My son just finished 2nd grade and to this day both of these boys will say hello to each other in the halls. My son learned a lesson about being tolerant. We also learned that this child was being abused at home. I believe this teacher should have used other means to help this child. At some point in time we all have to learn how to deal with someone we don't get along with. The teacher missed teaching this lesson to the class. It is ridiculous knowing that 5 year olds were allowed to vote another child out of class.
I think this young teacher just watched too much Survivor! Except she voted the wrong person off the island.
The fault is WITH the teacher not the kids or the poor autistic boy!!
The teacher is supposed to be setting an example for the young ones to follow...if she was having trouble with the autistic boy, she should have consulted with BOTH the school AND the boys parents, and have settled this OUT of classroom.
This is Gross, Ignorant Behavior on the part of the teacher and she should be REMOVED REGARDLESS, of how good/bad she teachers....
Yes the teacher was OBVIOUSLY wrong...Recently, my son, (who happens to be bigger than all his classmates and tends to be a bit of a bully on the smaller boys in class) was voted out of a field trip by his classmates. His teacher did the same thing this teacher did, she gave the other students the option of whether or not he was allowed to go on the field trip. I was upset and voiced my opinion to his teacher. She apologized and explained that her way of thinking was that the children would vote YES, he can go. Well, it didnt turn out that way....and my son payed for it! Mind you, he acted up and probably shouldve missed the field trip anyway, but giving that much power to a bunch of 8 year olds is not only ridiculous, but outright mean! She shouldve taken him aside and explained things to him instead of making him the martyr!
now i am definately home-schooling my kids.
We homeschooled because of our oldest daughter's strange and frustrating behaviors. Her fear of other children, obsessive habits, and the irritation she would quickly arouse in both children and adults by her eccentric behavior, convinced us she would be a quick target in school. (And in fact, she was badly bullied in a homeschoolers' acting class.)
Today at 12 she still strikes people as slightly weird and a little obsessive, but after much one-on-one work helping her learn to recognize words, expressions, and tones of voice and their significance, she can understand social contexts very well and no longer irritates people. She also has been able to take mathematics courses at our local state university (having finished trig and calculus some time ago), and tutors public school teenagers in math (all of whom have liked her very much).
If we had ever had her diagnosed, I'm guessing she would be on the autism spectrum. The ironic thing is how many people have seen her as evidence either that (a) homeschooling produces hyperachievers, or (b) homeschooling produces weird, socially maladapted children.
Don't put the cart before the horse, people: many of these "weirdo" kids are homeschooled *because* they're social misfits.
I am so sad that this happened to this child. I have worked in many classrooms at all age groups as a visiting artist. I have tremendous sympathy for everyone in similar situations to this - the teachers, the child with behavior issues, and the rest of the children. Balancing the needs of the individual and the needs of the group is a huge challenge, and teachers often don't get the support they need from administration.
While the public forum and vote was atrocious, the idea of letting the child hear from his peers is not a bad one. Having a "he/she is the way he/she is and you have to just accept it" can be almost as destructive as over-disciplining because it is demeaning to the child in question and it makes the other children feel like they can't trust their teacher to help them when they are having trouble learning or feeling safe because of another child.
Great teachers I have observed in similar situations discourage putting down or tattling on others. They instead constantly model language like "it's hard for me to work when you shake the table" or "please don't talk - I want to hear this". That will often reach a child hearing from his/her peers, and even if it doesn't, the other children will grow in their interpersonal skills by learning how to handle those frustrations appropriately.
This is so sad for this child. My son has autism and just finshed kingergarten. I am so happy that we had such a wonderful teacher for him. We wouldn't have made it without the encouragement that he received.
I don't think that what the teacher did was the right thing to do, but I will say that something needs to be done to address this type of situation. I am a K teacher who just finished a year with a child who was extremely disruptive and violent towards me and all of the students in our classroom and other classrooms if he was around them, too. This was on a daily basis. I was hit, kicked, and bit on a daily basis. I had several hundred dollars of personal property in my classroom destroyed by this child. I had scissors (among other items) thrown at me, including a large wooden building block swung at my head like a bat. This child hit, kicked, and bit other students daily. One child had scissors stabbed through his shirt while a substitute was in the class. Luckily it just knicked the skin. These were child scissors. We had several meetings concerning this child, but I received no help with him. I was given no aide to help with him. He would take off somewhere else in the school. I could either let him go (not an option)or leave my other students unattended to go after him. When I would ask for help with him, I was told he was my responsibility and I needed to learn how to deal with him. I had him on a specific schedule and everything we did in the class this year was dependant upon his behavior. My whole year was about finding things that would work for this child, not teaching the other students. However, I am still held accountable for the scores these children made on all the end of the year tests. He is probably Asberger's, but he has no diagnosis as such.
I am in complete shock! How can a teacher that deals with kids everyday show this kind of bad behavior. I my personal opinion she should at least be told to leave for the school for awhile to think about her actions.
You mention the parents in your post and their roles in the taunting of other kids. But sometimes parents or adults or just as bad as kids. I've witnessed numerous times people who supposed to act like adults behave like kids and act mean and childish towards others.
Great article, it made me think back to my childhood days thinking about how it is to grow up as a child.
Post a Comment