Books on Your Child's Development...Do They Help or Hurt?

The shelves at our local stores and libraries are bursting with books to help parents monitor, encourage and measure the development of their children. But how helpful are they really? Do parents need that yardstick? Or can it be detrimental to a parent's self-confidence? Sheila Josephson, a regular contributor to our Safety4Kids blog, a therapist who deals with families and their issues, and a mother herself, has some thoughts on the subject. We hope you'll share your thoughts and experiences by posting a comment yourself. This is a topic on which people tend to have strong opinions!

Here are Sheila's thoughts on the subject:

I've had a pet peeve for many years about some parenting "self-help" books--the ones that give you milestones regarding children's development. For example, at 9 months your child should be doing this or at two years your child should be doing that. I have often told my clients not to read those books, which sounds pretty ridiculous at face value. However, it can help parents maintain their emotional well-being by not feeling that their child is slow to develop. So often I have heard parents despair about their child's "delayed development" after reading one of these books. Their child is "slow" to speak or behind in learning the alphabet. They are not walking during the prescribed "time frame" when most other children their age have accomplished this task. Inevitably parents feel this is a poor reflection of their parenting skills and wonder what they are doing wrong or at least what they are not doing right. This can cause dismay and despair, especially to first-time parents. They question their competence and wonder if they are failures, which can lead to anxiety and depression.

Of course, the truth is that all children develop at their own pace. One child can be speaking when another child is walking but not speaking. Is one more advanced than the other? I have had a mother crying in my office because her daughter had not started walking "when she was supposed to" but she was speaking in sentences, very early for her age. If she had not read the "supposed to be doing at this age" book she would have been very happy with her beautiful little girl and confident of her parenting skills. But she was disheartened by her child's disinterest in crawling and constantly questioning what she was doing wrong. Being a parent is hard enough without having these developmental parameters constantly in mind.

I've had personal experience with these feelings. My son was slow to speak, far behind the "norm". He was a delightful, smiling, healthy little boy who didn't talk. Teachers at his nursery school made me feel inadequate as a parent--what was I doing wrong to hinder his development? I was told to have him tested since they couldn't do their job without knowing what was wrong with him. What was so upsetting was that they were sure there was something seriously wrong with him. No amount of self-assurance I had that he had to progress at his own speed alleviated my profound fear that they were right. The fact that I had studied child development in graduate school made no difference--they were the professionals; they must know.

While obsessing about what to do next, I decided to call my pediatrician who had many years of experience treating children. He told me in no uncertain terms to stop worrying, that my son would develop at his own speed. Of course he was right. I needed someone I respected to tell me to stop thinking there were proscribed time limits to child development. Each child develops differently. And the books I read just reinforced the fear that my son was retarded in his growth and somehow damaged.

I'm certainly not suggesting that children should not be tested, since early detection of a problem leads to early intervention. However, children do develop at their own rate and it's our job to encourage and support their accomplishments. The children in the play group do not look the same; we shouldn't expect their individual development to be the same either.

One exception to my admonition about not reading: a wonderful book about child development called "The Magic Years" by Selma H. Fraiberg, published by Simon & Schuster, 1959. It's a delight in its discussion of the magic and wonder of how children think and develop.

At Safety4Kids we're always interested in what you as parents feel about the topics we present. I'm especially interested in books you might have read that made you feel good about your parenting, or books you read that had the opposite effect. If we share this information, we may all be able to feel better about ourselves!

(c) Rafat Fabrykiewicz. Image from BigStockPhoto.com
(c) Simone van der Berg. Image from BigStockPhoto.com