Are All Smart Children Good Liars?
As a follow up to our last post, and because this seems to be a topic of great interest to people, we are taking a closer look at this subject. As I mentioned, in the New York Magazine article, "Learning To Lie", author Po Bronson explores the extraordinary phenomenon of children lying as a matter of course. And not only are they lying regularly, they are learning all about it from their parents.
Uh...that's us. You know you do it. We all do. Not big, bad lies that involve felonies! The little kind that we tell to spare someone's feelings. (See, I'm already qualifying the difference.) "No, I love your hair color," when really I mean, "Do you own a mirror, because if you did, you would not have left the house." Or, "This is delicious, may I have the recipe," when really I mean, "My dog wouldn't eat this." So as we navigate life, hoping to spare people from hearing the "real truth" we may be injuring our children, who hear us do this, make the connection, accept it as correct behavior, and then adapt it as part of their daily routine. After all, if Mom and Dad do it, it must be OK.
So where's the balance? How do we spare people unnecessary hurt over something minor--hair color--and not teach our children simultaneously that it's just fine to lie when you need to?
Unfortunately, it's not so easy. Especially if your child is smart, and who's child isn't? Mine is. Honestly.
Some experts believe that children, once they get a little older, will grow out this--they'll learn to make choices and be cognizant of right and wrong. Here's a little pin to burst that bubble, courtesy of Dr. Victoria Talwar, an assistant professor at Montreal's McGill University and a leading expert on children's lying behavior:
By their 4th birthday, almost all kids will start experimenting with lying in order to avoid punishment. Because of that, they lie indiscriminately--whenever punishment seems to be a possibility. A 3-year-old will say, "I didn't hit my sister," even if a parent witnessed the child's hitting her sibling.
Most parents hear their child lie and assume he's too young to understand what lies are or that lying's wrong. They presume their child will stop when he gets older and learns those distinctions. Talwar has found the opposite to be true--kids who grasp early the nuances between lies and truth use this knowledge to their advantage, making them more prone to lie when given the chance.
Great. Another thing to blame on parents! So what is the answer? Well, there's no magic bullet for this one. But as with most important parenting issues, TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN! A strong bond, an open relationship, and the feeling that the truth, no matter how unpleasant, might mitigate punishment rather than bring it on, may be the way to navigate this particular land mine.
Anyway, your kids don't lie, right?
Uh...that's us. You know you do it. We all do. Not big, bad lies that involve felonies! The little kind that we tell to spare someone's feelings. (See, I'm already qualifying the difference.) "No, I love your hair color," when really I mean, "Do you own a mirror, because if you did, you would not have left the house." Or, "This is delicious, may I have the recipe," when really I mean, "My dog wouldn't eat this." So as we navigate life, hoping to spare people from hearing the "real truth" we may be injuring our children, who hear us do this, make the connection, accept it as correct behavior, and then adapt it as part of their daily routine. After all, if Mom and Dad do it, it must be OK.
So where's the balance? How do we spare people unnecessary hurt over something minor--hair color--and not teach our children simultaneously that it's just fine to lie when you need to?
Unfortunately, it's not so easy. Especially if your child is smart, and who's child isn't? Mine is. Honestly.
Some experts believe that children, once they get a little older, will grow out this--they'll learn to make choices and be cognizant of right and wrong. Here's a little pin to burst that bubble, courtesy of Dr. Victoria Talwar, an assistant professor at Montreal's McGill University and a leading expert on children's lying behavior:
By their 4th birthday, almost all kids will start experimenting with lying in order to avoid punishment. Because of that, they lie indiscriminately--whenever punishment seems to be a possibility. A 3-year-old will say, "I didn't hit my sister," even if a parent witnessed the child's hitting her sibling.
Most parents hear their child lie and assume he's too young to understand what lies are or that lying's wrong. They presume their child will stop when he gets older and learns those distinctions. Talwar has found the opposite to be true--kids who grasp early the nuances between lies and truth use this knowledge to their advantage, making them more prone to lie when given the chance.
Great. Another thing to blame on parents! So what is the answer? Well, there's no magic bullet for this one. But as with most important parenting issues, TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN! A strong bond, an open relationship, and the feeling that the truth, no matter how unpleasant, might mitigate punishment rather than bring it on, may be the way to navigate this particular land mine.
Anyway, your kids don't lie, right?
8 Comments:
Somehow I find it hard to be proud that my kid is a good liar, or hope that he is not swift enough to lie well.
all people are not liars including my kids. Who are both extremely smart. Just most people lie. thats all. Good day.
everyone lies moto.........
MY son is a liar , a big one, he lies about everything from not having homework to wether or not he brushed his teeth, all the time!!! HOw can I get him to stop because the more often he gets away with it, ( if I dont catch on) then the more likely he is to try it again next time? MY other son is only one year older and he cannot or would not lie if you forced him to, because he knows its not right, but my little baaby is a liar liar pants on fire , why the difference?
My 6 year old will lie and then take it right back.
"Did you wash your hands?"
"Yes... I mean, NO."
It's like it's an automatic switch for them. Kids will lie if you give them the chance, too. Instead of asking them, "Did you wash your hands?" Maybe you could phrase it, "Please don't forget to wash your hands." It takes more energy for them to lie with that phrase.
I have taught him to be empathetic to other's feelings. There is a thin line beteen honesty and rudeness at times, but if you teach your child to put himself in another's shoes, he will tend to let his conscience be his guide.
I have a 2 year old who lies about everything. What should I do??? I've tried talking, time-out, and spanking....Please help me what can I do to get her to stop!!!!????!!!!
Email me with advice melissamvera@yahoo.com
My daughter has started lying a lot. I try my best to explain that its not nice to lie and it could get her hurt one day if she lied to someone like a stranger or something like that. She's 4 years old and "smart" too, I just hope we can get past this so that she doesn't pass it on to her little brother.
My daughter and son are starting to lie a lot. I can tell when they are not telling me the truth and I just remind them about what God said about lying and is incredible how they change their mind.
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