Political Views of a Sex Therapist

Saturday I sat in front of a grocery store for several hours with a retired elementary school principal and former teacher. Why would I do that? She and I were registering voters - some who had moved since the last election and some for the very first time, including a woman in her fifties.

I've always voted in every election, but this is the first time I've been politically active by volunteering. I'll make no secret of it. I will be voting Democratic this November. Show me a sex therapist, educator or researcher and I'll show you someone who will be voting Democratic.

Republicans have never been friendly to the paths of professionals like me. Instead of facilitating research or broadening easy availability of mental health care, they've taken away funds (think Reagan and the closing of many mental health facilities) or offered us tactics for decreasing the number of unwanted pregnancies that simply don't work (think virginity pledges and sex education courses that teach only abstinence until marriage). The Republican Vice Presidential candidate's own daughter's pregnancy is evidence of how well this works. "Kinder and gentler" have been empty words.

Yet, it's interesting that I have had quite a few politically conservative clients in my practice here in the Sacramento area -- unlike my years in San Francisco where you'd be hard put to find one. My conservatives here have enjoyed the benefits of my work despite being philosophically quite different from me at some deep levels.

I usually learn of their political positions quite by accident or inference. It certainly isn't a question that I consider necessary to ask in order to be of help to them. My aim is to help them get to where they want to get. It is their agenda to set, yet they are seeking my set of skills that are intertwined with how I view the world.

I could not, however, possibly help the range of people that I do if I did not hold a progressive viewpoint and see life from a liberal position. In fact, a good number of the sexual problems that bring my clients to my office stem from holding rigid views and being "antigressive" (a word I'm making up here to be the opposite of "progressive").

In addition to the horse race that seems uncomfortably close for President, California has two propositions that I oppose: Proposition 4 and Proposition 8.

Prop 4 puts certain young women into a jackpot, a horrible set of circumstances made even worse. These young women are the ones who are pregnant and live in a family that is closed to communication about accurate sex information and who are very punitive. The majority of young women would communicate with their adult family members if they were pregnant unintentionally. That's because they have somewhat open communications within their family. Would it be an easy communication? Not likely. But, would it happen? Most likely. Most young women do discuss difficult circumstances with their parents without legislation!

Prop 4 insists that those who are not in such an emotionally and physically safe family must tell their adults anyway or go through incredibly difficult set of legal maneuvers. Prop 4 punishes those young women when that's just what they don't need. Legislation is not going to straighten out the communication problems in these types of dysfunctional families. Legislation will not protect these young women from emotional or physical abuse in these families. It just further traumatizes them.

How can families then get the outcome of this legislation without passing this legislation? By being a family that talks about all types of life issues with open attitudes. This doesn't mean that they have no rules. It also doesn't mean that they have no consequences for behaviors. It means that parents be "askable" parents, that they're the first ones their kids turn to because they know they'll get reasonable responses that rest on accurate information. That's what would lead a pregnant young woman to tell her parents about her dilemma -- not legislation.

Yesterday when a man in his seventies was filling out his form to change his address, he told me a story that concerned Prop 8, one designed to overturn the decision of the California Supreme court permitting marriage between two same sex people. A woman had come to his door and asked how he was going to vote on it. The man said without hesitation, "I'm voting against it." She said, "Why? Are you gay?" He said that he was married for a long time and was currently a widower. "But why would you vote against this then?" she asked. "Because they should have the right to do so also."

I smiled to myself when he told this story. Deep down this man understood the benefit of having a long-term committed relationship -- regardless of the gender of the people in it. He probably knew that a committed partner is generally there for you in times of illness, challenging life circumstances, and stress. He also probably knew that when people make a formal commitment, most think twice before severing it. He saw no harm in that either. Many same-sex couples are looking for these types of life and health benefits. These benefits don't eliminate the rights of opposite-sex couples to marry. They simply coexist.

Last week a McCain ad was aired that portrayed Obama wanting to teach sex education courses to kindergarten students in school. (I was relieved to see Joe Klein's take on this ad in the Sept. 29th issue of Time magazine.) As I understand it, Obama wants accurate, age-appropriate information taught to schoolchildren. I'm for that. Without it, sex therapists of the future will have no shortage of clients. I would like to think that some day I could go out of business for lack of clients. For that and many other reasons, I'll cast my Democratic vote.

Related Topics:

• Health Matters in the 2008 Election
• Voice Your Vote: Election '08

When You Find Your Kids Under the Blanket

Recently I received a comment from a parent concerned about her children's sexual curiosity and exploration. Since this is a common concern, I thought I'd share her question and my response.

"I just googled "sexual curiousity" because we found our son (6) and daughter (3) under the covers with her panties off (no touching but still...) and were horrified and grief-stricken. He knows it is wrong (and she is too young to understand) but what do we do now? What consequences can we give him (we gave him a time out) so that he understands the behaviour is always wrong (when you're a child) without him thinking he's a horrible person? Do we need help?"

Childhood naturally involves the understanding of bodies - both one's own and of others. Adults may be well intentioned when they stumble across children in the midst of this phase of data gathering, but they often misunderstand what is going on. Keep in mind that when two teens or two adults are in the same bed and one of them has their underpants off, it likely means that something sexual may be about to happen. It is not necessary nor fair to make that same assumption with young children of this age.

Think about all of the data that children gather in a normal day. They ask many questions about so much. At five and six years of age, they are little scientists exploring and trying to understand. So, if you hold the scene you happened upon in that light, you will be much less disturbed by it and your children will be much less traumatized by your reaction to it.

An appropriate reaction might be, "Oh, I see you two are under the covers together. Come on out and let's get everyone dressed in our usual daytime clothes." Then you go do that and take as many deep breaths as you think you need while you keep reminding yourself that these are not adults nor teens.

Kids do not make the same inferences in situations that adults do. For all you know, your three-year-old may have wandered in from having gone to the bathroom (it is that potty training time) and climbed into the bed with her brother to pretend it's a tent. So, you can ask the kids while you're busy fixing them a snack (giving your nervous hands something to do), "Were you two playing a game in the bed?" "Yes? Oh, what kind of game?" Play the curious and unflapped detective. Find out what they say that they were doing.

If you somehow were to learn that they were engaged in genital touching, then you can casually say, "Oh, you know, in our house, we only touch our own bodies when it's the part that's under our underpants. We don't touch other people there." No shaming. No crisis. Keep it matter of fact and tell it the same way that you would say, "In our house, we brush our teeth every night before we go to bed."

To help you get to this less panicked place, there are a few books that I would recommend:

• It's Not the Stork! by Robie Harris (ages 3 and up)


• It's So Amazing by Robie Harris (ages 7 and up)


• It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris (ages 10 and up)


• The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Deborah Roffman (for parents)


• But How'd I Get in There in the First Place? by Deborah Roffman (for parents)


• How to Be the Best Lover by Howard Schiffer (for boys age 13 and up)

(I am still waiting for the female counterpart to Schiffer's book to be written!)

So, the help that you need is just more information about the normal developmental stages that children pass through with regard to their bodies. Any time you get a "teachable moment," go for it. Offer your sexual philosophy in small bits and without great fanfare any time.

Answer only the question that has been asked. Don't think that because a seemingly sexual topic has been raised that it's time for "the big talk." Having "the big talk" is a mistake for everyone - it makes you nervous and your kids too, not to mention that it's just too much information for kids to take in all at once. Just keep a steady, open dialogue going on that can come up at any time - even when you're just chopping vegetables in the kitchen for that night's dinner.

Related Topics:

Sex Education: Who Should Teach It?

Sex Ed for Your Kids: One Talk Won't Do

Duchovny's Choice

David Duchovny made an interesting choice recently. He chose to enter a sexual addiction rehabilitation center and to announce it himself with limited detail to People magazine - rather than be "outed" by paparazzi.

His attraction was apparently to sexually explicit images available online. It's a common enough situation these days. Sexual addiction is a phrase that, when it was created, was easy for media to embrace. They had already heard about other addictions by that time. And, even though it has developed as a therapeutic industry, it still often bases its treatment on a negative sense of sexuality. Because of the narrow focus, it emphasizes the danger of sexuality. Sometimes when one has a hammer, most things look like a nail.

Through sexual addiction models, sexual expression winds up being defined by "slips." There's usually no room at all for masturbation when most sexual addiction providers of treatment begin their work with a person whose sexuality has become problematic. Masturbation is, in my opinion, an essential ingredient in coming to grips (no pun intended) with one's sexual competence and maturity. But addiction models excise it usually, rather than enrich and develop it.

I had a conversation recently with a sexual addiction counselor. She was glad that I was available to do the "sex therapy" part after she had worked through the "sex addiction" part. It seemed odd to me to separate treatment of sexual issues into two bins. It had the feeling of treating breast cancer. We'll cut out the offending part and you put in the breast implant. I've never seen myself as the one who does the prettying up part after the challenging part was over, but she did.

One male client came to me stating that he was a "sex addict." What were his symptoms that led to this characterization of himself? He was, from time to time, having "girlfriend dates" with sex workers he located online. These are the more socially interactive types of sexual hook-ups.

He was married; therefore he was a sex addict. It turned out that he was married to a very immature woman in her forties. She was totally enmeshed with her extremely intrusive parents, so much so that this client once reported a dream he had that included his being in his bed with his wife and both of her parents. She stalwartly refused to take a look at the dysfunctional relationship with her parents. Her first partnered sexual experience was after 30 with her husband. He experienced her as giddy and immature.

Yes, he could have sought couples therapy with her, but he didn't. Instead he thought that he was a sex addict. He was having sex that was more grown up with paid sex workers. He was handling his marital problem by staying married and finding his sexual expression elsewhere from time to time. Was it an ideal solution? No, but it didn't make him a sex addict. He eventually divorced and later became involved with a woman whose chronological age corresponded with her sexual maturity.

I wonder how this would have turned out if this client had entered a sex addict treatment program. Would they have learned enough about their sexual relationship to uncover the impermeable parental enmeshment? I don't know.

Duchovny may be like many folks. He wants a plan that comes with a map. That's what sexual addiction treatment programs tend to offer. I think that the complexity of human nature defies a map - particularly when it comes to sexuality. And, one of the signs of sexual ownership is a person's willingness to rely on oneself and see it clearly through one's own lens. I see that as a developmental process rather than a step process.

Related Topics:

• WebMD Video: When to See a Sex Therapist
• Masturbation: Healthy for a Relationship

Getting Things Started

People come to my office for all sorts of reasons that pertain to their sexuality. But one of the most frequent issues that surfaces in our discussions turns out to be initiation - how to get sex started with one's partner. It turns out that this can be a problem both for people in a new relationship and for folks who've been together for many years.

Among the newly dating, I've seen initiations that move at warp speed and those that have a more glacial pace. Sometimes the speedier folks' motivation for jumping into sex quickly can range from "I'm so turned on that I can't wait any longer" to issues that pertain to anxiety - "If I try to delay, he'll think I'm not into sex" and "If I don't make a move, she'll think I'm not attracted to her."

The slower moving group may also base its decision on issues of anxiety: "If I let it happen, what will he think of me?" and "If I try too soon, she'll think I think she's easy." And, in some cases, it's the converse of those who are so turned on they can barely keep their clothes on. It's "I'm not really sure that I'm attracted to this person."

People in long term relationships seem to collect even more reasons for hesitating when it comes to initiating sex. There are ones that pertain to one's sense of self and those relating to one's partner.

Often self-criticism lies at the heart of some of these reasons: "I'm too fat to get naked," or "I may not get an erection." Other times it boils down to a battle among competing human urges: "I'm too tired" or "I can't be late to work." But other times, it revolves around the fact that there are obstacles in the relationship that are difficult to overcome or ignore: "He's mean to me," or "I'm just a paycheck to her" or "Why have sex at home when the sex I'm having elsewhere satisfies me more?" And last, there are times when there just isn't any urge: "I could live the rest of my life without having sex again and it wouldn't be a problem."

Women who misunderstand the mechanism of the PDE5 inhibitors (Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra) often will say, "Men have Viagra, why isn't there something for women?" They sometimes oversimplify the issue of lack of sexual contact in their relationship - that a pill could make all the difference they need - when, in fact, there are so many possible explanations for the difficulty of initiating sex. Sex is complex and getting it started is sometimes also complex.

Sorting out all of these reasons that inhibit the initiation of sex is one of the jobs of a sex therapist. It's one that comes up nearly every day. It's quite clear that initiation issues plague a lot of people. Just notice the number of articles in magazines that tackle the topic of sexual frequency and the absence of sexual desire - even in men's magazines.

Some people are unfortunately in the situation of having several reasons that obstruct starting up their sexual connection with a partner. At that point, it is very much like peeling the layers of an onion - physiologically fixing those that can be fixed and tackling those beliefs and ideas that rest upon anxiety within oneself and within a relationship. Asking oneself to be completely candid about what gets in the way of starting up a sexual encounter is the very necessary first step to making a change.

Related Topics:

• 31 Ways to Say "Yes" to Sex
• Who's Lighting the Fire?

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Sexual Humor, Part 3

I've often wondered how so many words that describe sexual behaviors also wind up being words of disrespect. Some would argue from an extreme feminist perspective that all heterosexual sex involves some form of disrespect to the woman. I am not satisfied with that explanation, nevertheless, here's the joke that involves this word play:

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, "If the preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.

The preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, "Screw the preacher!"

I laugh at the Edith Bunker gullibility and affability that Sadie portrays, but also her implied enjoyment of sex. It's the same as baking a pie for the preacher - if that will help him decide to stay. And, there's that example of swapping the meaning for a sexual term into a derogatory one.
I particularly like this next joke about Harry and Joyce because I majored in English and initially trained to teach high school English.

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to get an erection. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So, the doctor refers him to a Native American medicine man that says, "I can cure this."

That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234,' and it will go down. But, be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new ability. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life - just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

I've been collecting jokes about sex for many years. I don't fancy myself a stand up comedian. I doubt that I'll have much opportunity to use them in any professional setting in my future.

When I was in graduate school and running my sexual accessories company, As You Like It, I used humor to help my gatherings of women release any tension they might be feeling. I enjoyed making plays on words and felt safe using that type of humor. I avoided jokes that might offend, so several in this series of posts were off the list. Yet, I wanted my listeners to understand that there can be much to gain from humor in a sexual context.

I do think that laughter and sex itself mix really well.

Sexual Humor - The Series
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Related Topics:

• The Happiness Factor
• Positive Thinking

Technorati Tags: sexual humor, sex jokes