Pornography in Relationships
Pornography is a controversial topic on my message board. Partners can feel rejected when they discover that their mate is viewing porn, there can be feelings of guilt associated with viewing porn, or relationship conflicts arise because of differing outlooks and attitudes. The easy availability of online pornography can lead to behavior by one mate or the other that causes difficulties in their day to day lives.
There are many different reasons why a person decides to look at visual images of sexual activity. Sometimes when a person seeks out sexual images from outside the relationship, it is that person's way of satisfying sexual interests that don't seem to be offered in the relationship. In some cases, the one looking outside asks for the type of stimulation and gets the door slammed in her/his face literally or figuratively. And, in other cases, the person never really asks or even reveals the slightest interest in the topic to his/her mate.
Generally, it's important to figure out what benefit is derived from viewing pornography. Is it to avoid sex with a partner? Is it because there is no partner and you want a source of stimulation? Is it because the images offer you contact with a sexual activity that you think you cannot access any other way? Is it because you have a self-destructive mind set and are wanting to be "brought down"? Is it to make some statement to others about yourself?
Once you have an understanding of why you connect with these types of images, you can then go to the step of figuring out whether your life is negatively impacted by your involvement with it. Are you failing to keep up with work or school because of it? Are you overspending on it? Are you meeting all of life's obligations, but not getting enough sleep because of interacting with it? Does it offend any of the beliefs that you hold as important to you?
At this point, the path to getting a hold on the use of sexual images diverges to many paths. That's because for some, it is appropriate to either decrease or stop using the materials. But, for others there is no harm apart from guilt that using it induces in the person using it.
It's possible that the partner who is interested in pornography has reached the limits of their ability to connect with their partner in an intimate manner. This means that the intimacy of being in a long-term committed relationship brings all the intimacy that they can handle. So, if they were to allow the intimacy that sex brings, it would be overwhelming.
If that's the case, then I would recommend some sex therapy. That's one of the best ways to help someone learn to handle more intimacy with one's mate so that sex does not need to be left out.
If pornography is a concern for you or your mate, perhaps you can begin to ask yourself the questions listed above and begin a dialogue with yourself that might lead to greater mastery of yourself, greater comfort with yourself, and a reconciliation with your mate over this issue.
Related Topics: Is Pornography Addictive?, Hooked Online
There are many different reasons why a person decides to look at visual images of sexual activity. Sometimes when a person seeks out sexual images from outside the relationship, it is that person's way of satisfying sexual interests that don't seem to be offered in the relationship. In some cases, the one looking outside asks for the type of stimulation and gets the door slammed in her/his face literally or figuratively. And, in other cases, the person never really asks or even reveals the slightest interest in the topic to his/her mate.
Generally, it's important to figure out what benefit is derived from viewing pornography. Is it to avoid sex with a partner? Is it because there is no partner and you want a source of stimulation? Is it because the images offer you contact with a sexual activity that you think you cannot access any other way? Is it because you have a self-destructive mind set and are wanting to be "brought down"? Is it to make some statement to others about yourself?
Once you have an understanding of why you connect with these types of images, you can then go to the step of figuring out whether your life is negatively impacted by your involvement with it. Are you failing to keep up with work or school because of it? Are you overspending on it? Are you meeting all of life's obligations, but not getting enough sleep because of interacting with it? Does it offend any of the beliefs that you hold as important to you?
At this point, the path to getting a hold on the use of sexual images diverges to many paths. That's because for some, it is appropriate to either decrease or stop using the materials. But, for others there is no harm apart from guilt that using it induces in the person using it.
It's possible that the partner who is interested in pornography has reached the limits of their ability to connect with their partner in an intimate manner. This means that the intimacy of being in a long-term committed relationship brings all the intimacy that they can handle. So, if they were to allow the intimacy that sex brings, it would be overwhelming.
If that's the case, then I would recommend some sex therapy. That's one of the best ways to help someone learn to handle more intimacy with one's mate so that sex does not need to be left out.
If pornography is a concern for you or your mate, perhaps you can begin to ask yourself the questions listed above and begin a dialogue with yourself that might lead to greater mastery of yourself, greater comfort with yourself, and a reconciliation with your mate over this issue.
Related Topics: Is Pornography Addictive?, Hooked Online
105 Comments:
I think the one item you left of is when one of the couple no longer wants sex. He or she will seek a stimulation outside of marriage without actually having an affair. It's called "Cybersex"
Another thing you left out is the inability of the male partner to be attracted to a partner that has a belly that is almost too large to circumvent. I have lost the lust that I had when younger, now that we are in our 80's is is impossible for me to ejaculate, even though she goes several times.
In my opinion (and from my experience), pornography is a healthy sexual outlet, whether you are in a relationship or not. It is perfectly normal for an individual to want to express his or her sexual needs and desires as long as everything is legal. Just as long as the "habit" does not interfere with daily life or have any negative impact on their relationship, but if contained, I see nothing wrong with that.
Pornography in and of itself can be help as well as a hindrance to a marriage. There are probably now as many women using porn as there are men, and may be more in fact if a truly representative sample could be studied. The visual imagery from porn can be a healthy outlet used to help masturbate or like anything else related to sex can become a problem. If porn is a problem then there is an underlying problem and problem withporn only manifests it.
In your column you write:
But, for others there is no harm apart from guilt that using it induces in the person using it.
Why assume that the use of pornography results in "guilt." Many people view it guilt free. If one person in the relationship has a stronger sex drive than the other, it is often appropriate for that person to seek relief through porn. Certainly much better than forming an illicit relationship to get the sought after satisfaction.
Your article seems to asume a lot of negetive aspects of porn and the looking at it. From what I know of huiman art history the desire to see other human beings in the act of sex goes back as far as recorded history. There is a healthy curiosity about human sexuality and the puritanical bias of religion and political correctness will not change that. Your remarks about guilt, reduced self image and all that show this bias affects even intelligent and educated people and really needs to be looked at with understanding. There is no human activity or behavoir that can't be distorted or misused but human nature is human and curiosity is a healthy part of life. Consenting adults should be able to explore sexuality in all it's verieties without having to struggle with the judgment of the pious self rightous.
You offer many possible reasons why a person may be attracted to porn, but all of them imply a deficiency of some sort. In othere words, I think your underlying model is that, if there were no deficiency, there would be no attraction to porn. I am quite convinced that even in an ideal relationship with no real deficiency, a partner may often find themselves attracted to porn, particularly (statistically at least) males. Visual sexual images stimulate a deep part of the animal brain (more commonly in males but also in some females) in a way that short-circuits any particular context. A person in a healthy relationship is unlikely to let the attraction to porn create concrete difficulties in their life. But I am quite sure the attraction will be there even with a great or ideal context.
The real question I have relates to the more subtle psychological effects in a good relationship. Does it mean anything to really get off while viewing another human body? Most (though not all) males I've discussed this with do find it somewhat troubling to think of their female partner masturbating while viewing erotic images (of another male, for example). They think this in spite of the fact that they think it is harmless when they do the equivalent thing. I have also seen this correlated with whether the subject is infatuated with the object (in the above sentence). Someone who is infatuated with their parther has particular trouble with the idea of that partner getting off while viewing erotic images of others. This seems to be less painful and perhaps much acceptable when the infatuation has cooled and the relationship is in a more normal mode.
ON A PERSONAL LEVEL, I HAVE BEEN IN A 2AND A HALF YEAR RELAY-SHUN-SHIP(lol), and at times we watch porno together it just adds to excitment for me when we are viewing it together. On the other hand.....I have caught my boyfriend watching porno while I was in the bed sleep and woke up to find that out and it made me feel very insecure. He continuosley was caught after the fact the way i told him i felt about him watching w/out me and I finally just chalked it up to a thing he likes, and to take it or leave it.
The viewing of porn in and of it's self is not the issue. The problem arises when one partner uses porn as their sexual outlet, instead of having sex with their partner. It is very difficult to feel sexually close to your partner when you are aware of their preference for porn on the internet, instead of sex with you.
There was an additional item left out in your article...several partners watch porn to get new ideas on ways to have sex and/or to please each other.
Why should the use of porn be viewed as "guilt". My husband and I both view porn together and separately. We have an excellent sex life and use the porn as an addition to our sex life. We sometimes get some new ideas and sometimes just use it "to get off". As long as both are comfortable with it, I see no problem. There should be no guilt associated with it if you are upfront and honest about it. If used correctly, it could be a real turn on. I know my husband finds it a turn on when I view porn and masturbate and tell him about it and vice versa. Porn is not just for men....women like it too. Unfortunately, society makes it more of a taboo for women to enjoy it.
I am a physician and I feel that the reasons given as to why a person views pornography seem to assume that the person is abnormal in some way.This is like the old view that masturbation would make your penis fall off !I am surprised that a PHD can feel this way.
Many of my patients are in the geriatric age group and view porn together for mutual masturbation, some are single men away for extended periods from their wives, etc.For these persons this is a normal and SAFE outlet rather than indulging in risky sexual behaviour with a prostitute.
If however a married man in bed with his wife or girl friend is viewing homosexual or child porn on the sly, yes, I agree it is a matter for concern.
Porn has always been here, will always be here and can be used in a positive or negative way, it's up to the individuals involved. My wife and I both enjoy it and it never leaves the marriage or house.
Viewing porn to climax is no different than adultery, period. Whenever you are getting those needs met from something other than your spouse it is a form of adultery. Contrary to popular belief- it does not actually take physically sleeping with someone else to be compromised and unfaithful.
I believe that porn is a sign of weakness in men and women. They cannot control their need and put their personal relationship in harm. Its degrading towards women and it gives off the wrong message to men about women. Porn is very harmfull in peoples daily lives.Relationships come to an end because of mens porn addiction. Men have lost families, wives, girlfriends etc. because of porn. Men find themselves defending it so much that they end up losing the people in their lives who do not agree with it (wives, GF, BF, ect.) What does porn leave them? Nothing! Lonely nights with no one by their side and a PC full of nasty images. Porn leaves men lonely and pathetic. Men are destroying their lives to make a porn film maker more wealthy. What a great exchange.
I have just found out my fiance uses pornography and it has destroyed me and our relationship. I feel that my heart has been torn out. Nothing that makes someone feel this way could ever be a good thing.
I have to disagree with those who say watching porn with your partner is healthy. I believe it's natural to do so, and natural for anybody (male or female) to enjoy viewing pornography, however people let porn get into their mind. Porn is just a fantasy that gets into minds. It's fake. It's ACTING. So when I hear stories about people who try to do these things, one of the partners, or both, might not always enjoy trying these things they view in porn, thus causing certain relationship issues.
No offense to those who enjoy watching porn with their partner, I know it's not always like this. I'm sure alot of people enjoy all of the things they try with their partner. I just don't believe it's 100% healthy for all couples to take part in it. That's my opinion.
Porn destroyed my marriage. My husband could no longer perform sexually and by the time he realized he had a problem, there was too much water under our bridge, too much hurt, disappointment and anger, that staying with him was just neverending stream of lies and sex-free living. I'm not a porn prude by design. I did sex research in grad school - interviewed porn industry stars, execs., went on shoots etc. But no amount of understanding, openness, concern ever helped. He tried and failed, over and over again. It wasn't until I actually left him that he made any progress. He regrets it all, wants to reconcile, but I know it is useless. I've moved on and I hope he can too, but I do believe he will always bring it to his relationships, that he will never really be able to have a sexually satisfying relationship with a woman again. It's very sad for them, but the castrating effect is nearly impossible to reverse.
I do not mind the Porn as much as a do a man that sneaks around to watch it. I told my husband that I would rather have a open library of Porn, I just could not handle the sneaking part, I continue to find albums of Porn, I knew nothing about. It is like he has to be sneaky about it. He also lies about it constantly. We have not had sex in 5 months, I sm an attractive person and very sexual and I do not understand why this is going on. I also discovered he had been talking constantly on chatlines and getting rub downs,when he is out of town. He claims (because he got caught) that he is not doing it anymore and that the reason we do not have a sex life is because i am always angry, i am hurt and es i wake up unhappy because he sleeps on the opposite side of the bed or in the other room. so yes it is destroyed my marriage too.
I am in a four year relationship. My boyfriend and I have not had sex in three months, he looks at porn online daily.He has no sexual desire for me which led to NO communication in our relationship. I feel as though I have to compete with these women,in part because he has told me that I am not physically appealing to him(can yoiu believe I stayed after that!!). I am attractive and young (although I was about 30 pounds overweight). To compete with the images that he is obsessed with I have resorted to unhealthy eating and exercise habits which have made me physically ill. (I am currently working to resolve these issues) however I am also leaving the relationship because I know that I can never measure up to his fantasies.
3:54 a.m - Actually, I'm not afraid of my husband looking @ porno, what I am afraid of is that he lies about it and doesn't know that I know he masterbates to it. You see, when I started feeling the effects of his non-interest, I left my webcam onto remote monitoring. He doesn't know a thing. I'm watching what he does every minute, without him knowing. For now, he thinks I'm just the little nice wifee who doesn't know a thing. As a result, I've started wondering why the wives are alway griping about this kind of behavior when we should be looking for our own compulsions/obsessions. If it starts to get bad enough, I'll find someone else who will give me what I want, and if the little hubbee gets angry, I'll show him the pics to beat off to. I feel vindicated in some way by sneaking around to watch him and HE doesn't know
both my husband and i watch pornography, both together and alone and it is a great way to leanr new techniques. we also visit strip clubs together and have shared a few lap dances so we are pretty open minded.
the key is, i'm secure in my relationship, i trust my husband and i am secure enough about how i look that i don't get jelous of the women we look at.
Finding out that my fiance looked at porn regularly was completely devastating to me and to our relationship. I was never insecure until finding out that I was not enough for him physically.
I think that if you keep it a secret from you partner, gf/bf, husband/wife, etc. That the other person may find it extremely offensive and feel insecure. My bf and I have watched porn together, and we sometimes watch it alone as well. One night I was sleeping and found him on the computer, and I was offended at first, and a little insecure. However, I couldn't justify my feelings, because as he pointed out, I've done the same.The point is, I knew and he knew we each enjoyed that. You have to be honest with your partner. If they hide it from you, or are viewing illegal things, then you have every reason to be upset or heartbroken. I don't think people should feel guilty nor be made out as some horrible person for exploring their sexuality in an healthy and private manner.
I found that my fiance and I were having problems connecting sexually and I incorporated porn into our relationship. This was a Horrible Idea! She was shocked and felt extremely inadequate, even though she is a beautiful woman. I should have approached her about viewing the porn before trying to sneak it into our relationship. This led to open communication and we tried to watch some porn after that which wasn't as bad. I understand the sex toys, strip clubs, and kinky sex was introduced in her last long term relationship, but she feels a more emotional connection with me and would prefer our intimacy to come from internal feelings and not artificial images of sexual satisfaction.
My husband looks at porn when I am not around and then lies about it and gets very upset at me for finding out. I have lost all sexual desire for him. He still wants to have sex. I no longer feel the same way about him. I cannot stand for him to see me naked and dont like him to touch me. When we do have sex I may act like it feels good or I don't make noise and just have sex. We have three children together and he thinks it is because I have kids and my hormones are out of whack. He knows that porn hurts me when he looks at it. I do not trust him. I do not have orgasms and we have to use lubrication or I am very dry. I do not believe porn helps in every situation.
porn is an addiction a false reality and it is shameful. I believe that husband and wife can be creative enough to learn new techniques on there own. Porn is selfish and dirty. The use of it promotes dihonesty and resentment in relationships. I wish I knew some positive ways to cope and hopefully help my mate to get free of this. It is very hard to bridle my emotions and forgive my spouse. I pray that he takes me serious and that he truely stops using porn. He said he would. I hope that all the people out there can find support, encouragement and fulfillment sexually in there marriages again. Porn is wrong there is no other way to put it.
My husband watches porn everyday. He has problems performing with me. Most of the time, I feel like his sexual back-up because I feel that he is having sex with me because he needs a body. After sex, he is never satisfied because he expects the sex to be as great as what he sees on the internet. I am not a prude. I asked to be included but he refused. I talked to him about my frustrations, anger, disappointment, and hurt feelings over and over again. Finally, we made an agreement to stay together because of our 6 year old son. He continues to have his sexual relationship through porn and he agreed not to have sex with me again.
From every comment I've read, it seems like the couples with open communication seem to be coping the best with pornography and its involvement in a relationship. I truly believe that masturbation is a natural act, by a man or a woman. We have all had to go through the process of "discovering" ourselves during puberty and, in most cases, we did this in "private" meaning "by ourselves". Why should I feel guilty for masturbating if it's something I've done since I was 12 or 13? Am I all of a sudden "cheating" on my partner if I masturbate? The answer is no, and I shouldn’t have to report to my partner if and when I have masturbated. I thought that this was accepted as a normal practice to enjoy. If I am offended at the fact my partner is masturbating, I should look at myself in the mirror, especially if the relationship isn’t devoid of sex in the first place.
There is way more to a relationship than just sex. If it comes down to an issue of trust, then I question the past history of the relationship and/or the individuals involved. Was there an issue of infidelity in a past relationship? Sexual abuse? If this is the case, seek professional help for your partner’s sake. It is the individual that creates the issue, not pornography.
My boyfriend and I both look at pornography, and before, I really didn't see any sort of problem with it. However, we recently had a discussion about trying to introduce more emotional intimacy into the relationship -as a result, we both seem to be looking to porn and masturbation for almost all of our "satisfaction." (We had been having sex regularly for a year). I am feeling jealous, despite my own actions, and I hope that we can work together to resolve things. I am afraid that we will both become dependent on the porn and masturbation, and that sex within our relationship will somehow not seem like the natural expression that it once was.
I have been married 6+ years and recently stumbled across some hidden porn DVD's provided to my husband by his depressive sometimes suicidal work friend. Up until then I thought all of our sexual moments were completely between the 2 of us. Of course he often complains of not getting enough from me and what is HE supposed to do. And that it is perfectly natural normal human thing to do. I am shocked and devastated, it has been 4 days and I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach and tear up. All sorts of reasons were sent at me, the best one was he was afraid of losing the functioning of that particular mucscle if he didn't use it! LOL !He is 47, I'm 38, he also said he enjoyed seeing two people having sex and he has a lot of stress- "who doesn't". I packed a bag and was going to leave and he swore to stop having his friend create DVD's and email porn to him and to stop using it for solo sex. It has totally changed my opinion of him, I used to look up and respect him a great deal. Now I'm constantly wondering what is on his mind and what else he's been up too since I've been in this relationship. It will be a very long time before I trust him again, if I ever do.
I've read many psychology books and articles on the subject. And from what I've learned and through experience porn isn't really good or bad.
If one's not sexally active and needs the external stimuli for release then I see no problem with it as long as what the individual is feeding into thier mind isn't destructive.
Pornography in a commited relationship can go either way. Is the couple open and honest about it? If one or the other is hidding it then there's obvious problems with communication and should be addressed right away.
Is the pornography affecting the sex life? Unfortunately this is an affect to be closely watched for. In Psychological studies there has shown a strong coorelation between the chronic viewing of porn and sexual disfunction in an otherwise healthy relationship.
The partner viewing porn subconciously, and sometimes conciously, compares what should be only entertainment to their own sex lives and partner. With thousands of adult film actors within fingertips reach it is impossible for the other partner to live up to such standards.
There's a plethora of negative emotional responses this creates in the other partner, both personal and in the relationship. Of all of them, the other partner is most likely to experience sever self-image/ worth issues that could carry on into other relationships as well as affecting thier performances at work and in other social settings.
But it's not just psychological. If pornography has created a lack of drive in one or both partners then I strongly suggest couples therapy and perhaps medication.
If porn is so healthy, then why do MOST people feel even the slightest hint of betrayl when a significant other views it? If something is right, then there's no questioning the act. But if something is wrong and you have to work on accepting the act, then how is that healthy? We are not animals. In fact, we are far removed from animals; we have the ability to reason and have logicical thoughts, and most importantly we have self-control (which the porn industry does not).
I have been with the same guy for almost 5 years now and when we first got together he demanded sex at least once a day everyday and that lasted for about 3 years. In the last 2 years our sex life has gone down hill. I went back to school at night and got a computer to take an online class and I went to go online and noticed that my fiance had been looking at porno on the internet. When I asked him about it he acted like it was no big deal and that I should not be mad at him about it. Well I let it go because I was not getting anywhere. Well a few days later I found out that he had been back on the porno websites even though he knew I would be mad when I found out. He is still doing to this day and he waits until I have left the house but because he is not a computer person he doesn't know how to cover his tracks. Well we recently had a heart to heart a few days ago and I have gotten over the fact that he goes online to look at porno because I have decided that I will just use the TV to watch porno and see how he likes that and maybe it would change his mind. Well guess what that blew up in my face because now he is wanting to have threesomes with a female that I can not stand and one that I have aproblem with because you do not flirt with another womans man in front of them or behind thier back and that is excatly what this woman did and now my fiance wants to have athreesome with her but yet he is not attracted to her and claims to not be able to stand her.
my husband has looked at porn since he was a young teenager, it has always been apart of his life. when we were first dating, he introduced me to his huge box of porn. i did not really know much about porn then, so i accepted it. now it is gotten a lot worse, i feel like it is an addiction to him. i used to think that something was wrong with me and that is why he looked at it. i know now that that is not true. it's him. he constantly thinks about it. constantly wants to masturbate. i have tried looking at it with him and that made me feel worse. now he tries not to look because he knows it hurts me, but he is having a hard time. now he can't perform as well. i am just afraid that this is going to get worse.
my spouse took watching porn. one step further....hidden video camera placed to secretly film our teenage daughter's friend....guess who is soon to be divorced?
I think all have points and each person deals with situatons diffrently. get mad frustrated sad. orinsecrue its a issue women can be very sexy without the use of porn. Its sad that women feel rejected etc. I understand it..
It isn't the porn...it is the secrecy and the lack of intimacy (aka sex)in our relationship. I get all the standard excuses; "too tired" is my favorite, but then he doesn't touch me all weekend and he doesn't have work as an excuse. He can't make love to me because he is too tired, but he can stay up to the wee hours of the morning, while I am waiting for him in bed, looking at porn sites and his personal curiousity favorite - dating sites (AFF) of women in our area!! I am hurt, I am feeling unwanted and unloved. He could care less...we have been together almost 6 yrs and the sex is getting to be less and less each year. I need him to communicate with me, but he refuses!! So I am thinking of getting my needs met somewhere else, since he doesn't care about my feelings on the matter! I have always enjoyed porn myself and want to do it together with him, but he claims that the almost daily dose of porn does nothing for him!! Ha...I was born yesterday!
I've been in a relationship for only 3 1/2 years. After only one year together my boyfriend mentionned couple exchanging to see my reaction. The past 2 years our sex life isn't as exciting anymore. I've been told lately that seeing the same body is boring. He doesn't believe that couples still do it after 20 years ( you know, same body to see ). Anyway, porn is looked at every single day, and I am bothered with once a month ! I can not possible live up to his fantasies. Porn is not healthy if the fantasies are what is turning you on, you are depriving your partner of what he or she could do for you.....in reality. You are robbing yourself of a true intimite relationship of being spontaneous and wanting your partner and finding them desirable. I am against porn when a partner is being neglected. I don't mind looking at porn and I don't mind my partner looking at it......but when one or the other is being neglected and put down and made to feel undesirable......hmmmmm I'm truly against it.
I've been in a relationship for only 3 1/2 years. After only one year together my boyfriend mentionned couple exchanging to see my reaction. The past 2 years our sex life isn't as exciting anymore. I've been told lately that seeing the same body is boring. He doesn't believe that couples still do it after 20 years ( you know, same body to see ). Anyway, porn is looked at every single day, and I am bothered with once a month ! I can not possible live up to his fantasies. Porn is not healthy if the fantasies are what is turning you on, you are depriving your partner of what he or she could do for you.....in reality. You are robbing yourself of a true intimite relationship of being spontaneous and wanting your partner and finding them desirable. I am against porn when a partner is being neglected. I don't mind looking at porn and I don't mind my partner looking at it......but when one or the other is being neglected and put down and made to feel undesirable......hmmmmm I'm truly against it.
"Cybersex", without actually cheating on your partner. Just looking at the other bodies and not sexually desiring your partner anymore. It's a form of cheating. Neglecting your partner and their needs.....because porn is fantasy, it's true..... it is not reality. Reality is in the other room lying in bed, wanting you, desiring you, wanting to do things to you, but instead while porn is turning you on.....I'm crying in the other room from neglect....day after day. Knowing you feel nothing for me, and want "a body" only once a month. "Love me" and tell me "desirable things" only once a month. The screen gets your attention every day. I get nothing.
My boyfriend and I are falling apart because of pornography. I am 7 months pregnant with our first (probably only) child and he absolutely will not have sex with me. I can't get on the computer without finding that he's been looking at it, and when we recently began moving I found a huge hidden porn collection, which he claims was his ex-wife's. That adds a whole new level of discust. He wants to marry me, but how can you marry a man who is so disfunctional. I realize that I am pregnant, and not as attractive as I was before, but what normal man would substitute his hand for the real thing?
I think that the use of porn is unique to each relationship, while some may find it completely fine, other may be against it. I am the latter.
I found out that my fiance, then boyfriend, was looking at porn and it has completely destroyed me. I had "Ok" self-esteem to begin with, not the best, but not horrible. Now I hate myself and my body because I believe I am not attractive enough for him. He has told me he stopped, it has been about 3 months now, but I still feel rejected and ugly, and I'm constantly wondering what he is thinking about. He tells me I am beautiful every day, but it does more harm then good because it brings up all my old feelings, I'm obviously not beatiful to him or he wouldn't have looked at porn in the first place. I'm still holding onto the hope that I will get over it and we will be able to move on with our lives. I know he feels horrible about doing what he did, but I still feel like he will do it again at some point, I don't know if I can ever trust him again and it kills me a little inside everyday to think this.
I find it interesting that people who post to say "porn is okay" don't give their names. If it's okay, then why are you embarrased to say so? Who cares what others think? The fact is, I think that deep down most of you know it's not okay.
As long as it doesn't affect his desire for you, as long as he looks at images or video that aren't illegal (such as rape or child porn), and he's honest and open about it, then viewing porn should be ok. Notice I only said viewing porn... cybersex, phone sex, chatting is not ok, because that is no longer masturbation, that is having sex.
But bottom line is... let your significant other be honest with you, and be open to what they have to say, because honesty and communication are very important in relationships.
My SO looks at porn and masturbates, but only when I'm not around (only two days out of the week). We still have sex at least three times a week, and he's never demanded that I do anything sexually extreme or demeaning. He doesn't look at porn in front of me or when I'm home upstairs or something, and has never chosen it over me when I'm around.
I believe that porn leaves you with nothing. I would like to ask the men who view the porn sites if they would like to live with one of the ladies that they view. I believe that if they answer yes they are fooling themselves. If they opened a site one day and saw there girlsfriends or wife in front of them it would be another story. My insignificant other started with boxes of porn which he stores in the basement in a room and sorts through. He now has disxcovered the internet and lies to me about hom much he looks at. However he does not know tht I am computer savy and I know the sites he frequents and they are many. His obsession changes from day to day. One day it is plumpers, nylons, girdles, etc. Now he is emailing the porn stars. We had a healthy sexual relationship but his porn has become addictive. I firmly believe that this happens over a period of time. He does not look at sites with men on them but only women and lesbians. Naurally I take this as an insult to myself. We have no sex life, but yet his a perfect arrangment - he has his porno and his job on the road and I am left waiting for him to come home and I have nothing. This has done a number on myself. I have low self exteem and do not feel that I am attractive anymore. Don't try and kid yourself that it can stop somewhere. It doesn't If you are caught up in this - get out now because it will cost you your relationship. What is it that you are looking for. Mine ended with my partner wanting to put the pictures of me that he took on a website. Was this to be a compliment to me????? camm
We're oft to blame in this, 'tis too much proved, that with devotions visage and pious action we do suger o'er the devil himself.
I am in a committed realtionship of 2 1/2 years and about to be married in a couple weeks. I have a very high sex drive, but lately (last several months) my fiance seems very uninterested in me physically. We average being intimate about once a week, and it is usually myself instigating it. This has been a concern which I've addressed (usually we have an incredibly open relationship), but every time that we discuss it, I'm told that he just doesn't feel good and that his sex drive is really low. He says he's tired and stressed out, and this causes him to have a lack of desire to be with me intimately. Although I don't really understand, I accepted that. I have openly expressed my desire to view porn with him (I would enjoy that and I'm comfortable with that, and I thought it may help him too), but he refused, telling me that he just isn't in the mood for anything like that. After this had been going on for quite some time, I decided to go online to find out some reasons that could cause a lack of sex drive, and to find ways to spice up our sex life so that he could find it more enjoyable - thinking maybe that would help. However, this is a very sensitive topic for him, so once I was done researching, I went into the control panel of our computer to delete the cookies relating to my searches. When I did this, though, I found thousands and thousands of cookies and temporary Internet files from the porn that he had been viewing. It dated as far back as the history stores its pages, and I discovered that he had been hopping online to view porn from the minute I left in the morning until he had made himself late for work. Also, our computer is in the open and he had been viewing porn while my 4 year old son was in the house and could walk around the corner at any given second. When I confronted him about this, I told him that I can't help but to feel that he is lacking an attraction to me (and this is a huge issue for me, aspecially seeing as we're going to be married very soon), and the response he gives me is that he just likes looking at porn, and that he really doesn't have a sex drive - he says that when he views porn, he doesn't do it for "sexually-related" reasons... He just likes to see it. My question is: Is it even possible to view porn for reasons other than a sexual stimulation? I really would appreciate any input that anyone has to offer because this is weighing on me heavily and I need some fresh insight (instead of the same old perspective of mine). Please help me understand.
For the gal with the four year old, about to marry the guy who looks at porn - I understand and would recommend waiting. After marrying my husband a few years ago, our sex has dwindled until I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do. He has made many many excuses, and just ignores my advances. I'm an attractive, in shape woman, who desires intimacy on all levels, yet he's made every excuse from being "mad" at me for weeks at a time, to being too stressed. We just moved across the country, opened a business, and I found that he is looking at porn on line. What a disaster this has turned into - I'm sure that's the problem. He denied it, saying it wasn't his searching for vulgar topics, he doesn't know how it got there. I'm crushed and very sexually frustrated. This is not my first marriage, and I've been working so hard at keeping this one together. Don't allow yourself to get trapped in the sexual frustration cycle - it only gets worse after you get married. All older women say that, and younger women have such a hard time believing it - but it's sooo sooo sadly true. Good Luck.
porn has always been a tricky topic for me and my boyfriend of 6 yrs. There are times when i'm so willing to accept it into our lives. i've suggested watching together and keeping it in the open. it's the secret, hiding part of his porn watching that i just can't deal with. i find myself feeling that it's every single moment that i'm out of the house and he's home that he's looking at porn. how horney can he be? why is he only horney when i'm not there?? and he refuses to bring the topic into the open. it's his thing. i know it's embaressing to him and i try to make it not be. but he belives that i'm hurt. even if i deny it, i guess i am. and so he feels guilty and embaressed. he doesn't really want to watch it together and i should just be happy that he's a normal boy. with normal urges. our sex life is good. it's dwindeling, but porn's not new. so how am i supposed to know if he's watching more porn and that's why, or if it's just something that happens after 6yrs (sex 2x a week)... how can i come to terms with it in my relationship? what can i do to make it easir for me?
oddly enough it was my husband the [deeply in denial] sex addict that slipped the link to this page into my favorites file. We are on our last leg of what was a promising marriage and family with maybe a 40% chance of pulling through this latest bit of drama. I want to stress that I strongly agree with the comment that pointed out that it is the individual that creates the problem, and not the pornography. I am a very sexual, attractive, and explorative woman who got into a relationship with a weak man. Through the past 7 years, he has cheated on me multiple times, horded porn in all forms (including a home tape of himself and some women who he cheated on me with). The cheating occured pre-marriage- though he had asked that I be exclusive with him. The porn, though it is definetly something that can easily break down even the most well established self-image, was and is simply a manifestation of a bigger problem just as alcohal is to an alcohalic. In sending me here, he hopes to show me that it is my own insecurities that are causing all the rucus in our lives- The truth is this- IT IS ALL ABOUT TRUST, when you hide this stuff, sneak around, treat your SO differently because of it's affect on you (whether that affect be a diminished disire for physical relations or an increased desire to demoralize/ exploit your partner)- you push them away while building a wall around yourself at the same time. How am I supposed to want to sleep with someone when I have no sense of security in my life with them? We may have had a million great things going for us, but when I find out every 6 months that my lover's weakness outweighed his love for me and our son, all those things seem built on false beliefs. I forgave the past, but I made it clear before we married that I could not live with the porn- nothing personal against it, the industry, or the fans- for me (with him)it is simply a reminder of his weakness, his need to be needed by other women, and the fact that my need for him in the past (which included a very healthy sex life even while he was apparently cheating) wasn't enough.
There are support groups for significant others of sex addicts- not because they are somehow abused or want someone to b#%ch to, but because dealing with this turns you into someone you are not. I've never been one to spy on others, never felt justified in checking his call logs, felt so scarred about the next shoe dropping, or so hopless about the fact that no matter how patient, forgiving, understanding, or plain I am- he just refuses to hear the truth- this is not about porn- it's about broken promises, shattered trust, and refusing to take responsiblity for your actions.
What I want to know is why my husband got so angry when I asked him about the porn I found on the computer. He turns it around on me and asks why I was snooping. He's says "he's curious" but how much porn do you have to see to no longer be "curious"? I told him how much it hurts my feelings and he could care less. I asked him how he would feel if I was looking at naked men and getting off and he claims he doesn't care. But the thing is I have no desire to do so. It makes me crazy to know he's looking at other women and it kills me inside. Then I found out he was chatting with other girls and checking out dating sites claiming he was "curious". He's such an idiot too because he can't cover his tracks on the computer. Any advice?
15 years of marriage, two kids, sex 4 times a year. Husband sneaking porn, forgot to wipe out the history on the computer, got caught, ended up in marriage counseling with him not participating but smoozing me and the therapist over. Promised he would NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
I finally told him that I wanted him to know that I THINK OF OTHER MEN ALL THE TIME, DON'T NEED THE PICTURES....I THINK OF OLD BOYFRIENDS, THEIR BODIES, AND NEW MEN WHO MIGHT SATISFY ME. I TOLD HIM THAT WHEN WE ARE INTIMATE I THNK OF OTHER MEN.
His response, "OH MY GOD I AM SO SICK, I am nauseated and am going to throw up. (he went pale and leaning over the sink was ready to throw up!) He said he never realized that PORN did that to a woman. He said he "wanted me to only think of him" and to "be the only one"....I said, "WHY? When there is so much variety and spice to life when I can think of other men and get off! He got sicker. I fell out of love with him, hate him very much, to the point where i wanted to kill myself (not good enough for him), low self-esteem, etc. He was never sincere in that he would not do it again. BUT maybe he will think differently knowing I THINK OF OTHER MEN when I have sex with him! He did not like that fact. Wonder why it made him physically sick....because only guys can look at porn and have thoughts of other women because it is a manly thing to do? NOPE>.....I am leaving this relationship. He knows I do not love him, Porn took that away along with other problems in the relationship. He is immature, sexually unappealing, and has ruined four people with his lies, inability to communicate and make a relationship what it could be. Those other two people are two little girls who know that daddy looks at naked women on the computer! ages 7 and 12.....
He has killed any love I ever had for him. Now he can go lock himself up in a apartment and sit in front of his computer and pull on his weenie 24/7. These types of guys do not know HOW TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS.....by the way I am no dummy....I am a professional, make a six figure income and have been faithful all of the years of marriage. I deserve someone willing to put more effort into a relationship rather than substitute the relationship with porn. Porn is serious stuff. NEVER THINK A WOMAN FEELS GOOD knowing their spouse is into it no matter what they say. It is a devastating thing to all women.
im 26 yrs old and I just recently got out of a 4 1/2 yr relationship. i believe that porn sucks only when your sneeky partner hides it. If the idiots want a horny loose fake woman then let them have it poor loosers are just using their best friend the right hand. I've looked at porn before and it was just funny to me cuz its fake and devious yea there were times when i would get excited, but when the person you love hides (porn) it makes one feel uncomferatble. I used to be very secure in my looks im pertty and I have a great body. I go to the gym 5 days out of the week and his fat ass still looked at it man it pissed me off it was gross looking at him sometimes. sex wasn't the same anymore. Don't you men realize that the woman next to you has similar or better qualities than that of those B's you look at. Your wife can go online and get naked TOO and trust me men will be drowling over them. so don't be stupid and hold on to who loves before they leave your horny inconsiderate ass.
I have viewed porn and masterabated it all my life. I hide it from my wife and family, it is my deep dark secert.I'm looking for help, I can't stop.
I have been with my husband a total of 13 years. I cant stand porn, but he sees nothing wrong with it. Did you all know that it is NATURAL FOR MEN TO LOOK AT PORN IT IS HOW THEY ARE WIRED!!! My problem is that my husband would rather look at magazine at work (he is a truck driver who is gone sunday thru friday)than come home to a faithful wife and make love. What is making love any more?? I coundnt tell you. We had a computer a few years ago and he got on the porn sites and l said that is enough and got rid of it. Boy oh boy am I a self controling you know what. So just recently we started to go to church and l thought things were going better. He said why dont we get a computer. Im a changed man, I promise I wont get into the bad stuff again. well guess what it lasted about a week til l got into the history and found the porn sites. So l exploed and it wasnt pretty. We have not had a sex life in probably 3 years. I now have no sex drive, I use to want my husband all the time but l feel very ugly and not desirable. I think my looks are ok. But l dont have size D bras so lm not good enough. So l think porn is so wrong,it is adultry no matter how you look at it. I wish it all would just go away.
Hi there ladies who have been hurt.. I guess at some point of time guys do get 'bored' of us. Reason being we are always there for them. Human nature (esp for guys sad to say) is that one will tend not to treasue the thing when they have it but only miss it when it's gone.
We sound all like victims here. Rather than viewing ourselves as being pitiful and not loved, why not think positively and increase our social circle? Hang out with family members, go shopping and perhaps even get to know more guys.
I guess one thing for all of us girls is that we feel that to be a good wife, good mother we should be focusing 100% of our time on family, husband and not ourselves. This is so wrong and is one of the root cause why we are getting ourselves left at a corner where our husband do not seem to be interested anymore.
When was the last time you worn a pretty dress and really dress up like u did when u first got to know him? When was the last time your husband dated you for a movie? Guys need to be kept interested and excited. It will be good to let him know that u are still attractive and other guys can still be into you.
This may not totally reduce the problem of pornography for your husband. However, this will boost your self esteem. And believe it or not, when a girl is attractive and confident, I feel your husband would notice and interested to hang out with you. Then sex would naturally follow. Remember he was once attracted to you. So much so that you got married. Doesn't that proves something?
Having said so, do create some sense of panic in your husbands by doing what they have done.
1) They view porn sites, u can view it too. Look at those sites with good looking models and deliberately leave it on the computer for him to notice. Save it in your favorites. (Note we are in no wrong cos they view it so can we!) Whatever reason they have said to you like being curious, and just for the sake of looking but not for sexual reasons, use the same reasoning should he tried to argue with you.
2) Create false alarms. One of the days do not return home before he does. Leave your children with your sis, mom and get him to pick them home. Hang out in a faraway shopping mall where he could not find you. Then when he calls u to ask where you are. Say an ex colleague (male of course!) was looking for you to catch up since it was a long time since u met. Let him know that u will be back home soon and then when u reach home, let him know that the guy has complimented you. (Do remember to doll up the best and as pretty as u could)
3) Widen your social circle (literally) - We girls are too faithful and when our husbands visit those websites looking at either the teens or lesbians making out, being naked, we just get angry with them and ended up in an argument which worsens the relationship. Rather than focusing on the fact the he looks at porn, we should perhaps just look to know more friends even on the internet. By talking to someone, we will feel better and the someone on the internet might be able to explain why things happen the way they do.
Remember u are never alone. Guys are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The problems u face are very much like problems any other girl can face. Just treat it w a pinch of salt and live our own lifes the best we could. Remember to keep ourselves healthy and pretty. That way our husbands will love us and continue being interested in us.
Stay happy (^^.) Life is short anyway. So what if he look at the girls.. there are worser scenarios out there where husbands can or really SLEEP around.. isnt it? =)
I am a woman that is trying to understand why my husband would continue to view and masturbate to porn when he knows it hurts me. The only reason why it hurts me is because of the great lengths he'll go to hide, conceal, cover his tracks. I have viewed pornography with him and we had a very functional sex life until the lies and everything else started. My self esteem took a huge blow the day he had an erection and decided to go in the bathroom and masturbate rather than having sex with me.
There are a lot of valid views and opinions that I have read on this subject. I try to understand the reason...not for him viewing pornography and masturbating....but for lieing, concealing and manipualiting in order to continue.
I know he will be reading this because our marriage is in jeopardy and he has been researching pornography to try to get a grip. We are both trying to get a grip.
I just ask that the lies, deceit and manipulation stop. Unfortunately, it's viewing pornography that triggers this behavior.
Actually true.. I am wondering if it is becos we arent attractive to them anymore.. =I
In my opinion pornography is not healthy to a relationship or a marriage because it makes the woman feel like she is not good enough and that her body is not good enough for her partner when men look at this nasty god forsaken stuff it demolishes a womans outlook on her life and her body i think if it were all gone it would make the world a better place it is just a way for men to loose respect for their wife/girlfriend. It is just and escape and it makes no sense to me why a man or woman would want to look at something fake and masterbate instead of having sex with their partner which deserves it more than a book,movie, or the computer because men, women do alot for you in this world all we women want is a little respect. SO DO IT AND DROP THE PORN. AND ALSO GET A LIFE MEN YOU ALL ARE LYING, CHEATING, BACKSTABING, PORNO LOVING, HEARTBREAKING, FOOLS. FINALLY MY POINT IS MADE THINK YOU so if any guys are reading this comment this is what most women are thinking about you right now
I think that porn is too widely available. Its quite sad that this whole world revolves around one thing. You only have to walk into a shop or a garage and see magazines after magazines of naked women on the shelves. To be honest, I dont want to see it all. I think there should be a time and a place for all this unnecessary material. You are all extremely sad if you need to toss of to a computerised image on paper or some actor in some dodgey porn film. Maybe you should all try to find a partner that interests you for long enough so you dont have to lower your standards and toss off to some fake picture or movie !!!
TO ANYONE WANTING TO MARRY A GUY WHO LOOKS AT PORN AND IMAGES..... Please please dont bother. It will lower your self esteem and just reading everyone elses comments, the guys seem to lie and try to cover up their 'problem'
If you find them doing it once, accept it, they wont ever stop !!!
Thank you to everyone who has left such insightful comments on this page. I am a man who has struggled with porn for probably 20 years now. My wife and friends have been incredibly gracious and are helping me to overcome this addiction. Believe me, you can't do it alone. It makes one feel terrible, but no matter what the mental health profeesionals say, it is an addiction, with an insatiable need to want more, and more. I see many people here trying to justify there reasons for viewing porn, but I have found there is no good reason in the end. It just sucks you in and drags you down, I can't believe the amount of time and energy I have wasted on this, to the detriment of so much good in my life. There is no easy way out, but it takes a step a day. One of the things i have done, is to download a program from www.covenanteyes.com, which monitors all my computer activity and sends it to my wife and friends. Its quite a deterrent, and just helps me to at least plug up some of the sigificant places I view porn. I'm hoping that one day I can say, its completely over and I can restore the most important relationship in my life to its rightful place. Hope this helps someone, but from someone who has tried everything to justify it... PORN IS NEVER WORTH IT!!
It can be porn a form of sexual abuse? I have no longer intimacy with my husband, at the begginig porno was a way to spicy aour sexual life, then it becames a rutine, and with the time the fact to have sex in that way made me feel dirty, shame, and I decide to stop having sex, I proposed him to seek help , he didnt wanted . When he ask me to have sex, in my head I see all that images and me doing it in that way, and it makes me cry.
I really think that the view of porn depends on your view of life. If you think its dirty and against your religion, dont do it. And if you think that its Ok as long as its in moderation, then do as you please as long as it doesnt hurt you or anyone in your life. If there are any problems about it in a relationship or marriage or any other problem for that matter, discuss it with your partner. After all, relationships aren't total domination of one side, its a PARTNERSHIP, A JOINING OF TWO BEINGS!You aren't supposed to just think about yourself in loving relationships, that would be like ripping off your legs and trying to walk somewhere, its difficult ain't it? Things go more smoothly if you talk to your partner calmly and discuss problems and solutions until you have both met on even ground or agreed on boundaries.
Well, I have read some of these blogs and I too am trying to come to terms with why pornography has ripped my relationship apart. While I have tried to be open minded I cannot help the insecurity that I feel now that I have found out my boyfriend uses internet porn everytime he's on his PC to do "work". I thought my relationship was based on something more substantial and sustainable. I am deeply hurt and offended by his insistence to have it in my home and also distraught that my this request has been disregarded. I feel my boyfriend has no respect for me, our relationship and my opinion. I just don't want it in my home so that each time I go out the door he's at the PC filling in some "gap" in our sex life. The only gap is here, because it has affected out sexual life together and now i know that he's not just tired from the day...he'd rather compromise our sexual connection to masturbate. I don't know many other women who would condone this in their home, I certainly wouldn't want to be married to it. And glad I know now that his relationship with internet porn comes before our relationship. I haven't told him not to do it, just not to do it in our home. I think the more accessible it is the more it will impede (as it already has) on our sexual connection. So, time to be a man or stay in the bachelor boy pad. This is something I was not prepared for. Can't help the way we feel. I guess the it's a real problem when the relationship suffers as a result of it and ultimately ends.
I just want to say that I personally struggle w/ looking @ porn on the internet. It usually occurs when my wife is not around. I would like to add that I have not lost any interest in her sexually !! When I look at porn it makes me want her so bad, but I am not trying to justify what I do by any means, and I do not need porn to want her. My personal beliefs are that porn is wrong and I am trying to figure out a way to stop. I don't think there is ever an instance where porn is good for a relationship, no matter what anyone says. If you need a sexual outlet talk to your SO, they will probably be willing to help rather than have you go look at porn.
words and such
porno relief when your wife keeps secret her sex life prior to marriage husband hears about it through others. they more about her sex life than he does. a friend wife would deney any prior sex over 40 years hear the truth about her 12 sex partners from age 14 to 18. how does he know she has stopped. every man it was on the first date 3 men in same week
Funny that as people in the u.s. are getting fatter and fatter...more and more men and women are logging on to masturbate to images of perfect people.
If porn is ok, would you want your son or daughter in one of those movies?
As a wife of of a husband who visits porn sites often... I am upset. I have had 3 children to this man and during all 3 while I was pregnant and after their births he visited strip clubs. He also visits the porn sites actively. I am upset because I felt and thought we had a normal sex life. Meaning interesting, willing to try new things...etc. As a woman I do not want my husband looking at another women getting "banged" or a cock rammed down her throat! sigh... I want my husband, who I love and cherish. I feel that if he watches these things then my body is no longer interesting. That the responses he can get from me are no longer exciting to him. It is amazing to me to grow with a person and learn about them. We change as we get older. Which should mean... our bodys change and what turns us on changes. It is a never ending cycle. To be able to learn what feels good to your partner and perform it is total satisfaction. To turn to porn or strip clubs is a slap in my face. WE as women for the most part are giving and love satisfying our partners. We only ask that you satisfy u