Pornography in Relationships

Pornography is a controversial topic on my message board. Partners can feel rejected when they discover that their mate is viewing porn, there can be feelings of guilt associated with viewing porn, or relationship conflicts arise because of differing outlooks and attitudes. The easy availability of online pornography can lead to behavior by one mate or the other that causes difficulties in their day to day lives.

There are many different reasons why a person decides to look at visual images of sexual activity. Sometimes when a person seeks out sexual images from outside the relationship, it is that person's way of satisfying sexual interests that don't seem to be offered in the relationship. In some cases, the one looking outside asks for the type of stimulation and gets the door slammed in her/his face literally or figuratively. And, in other cases, the person never really asks or even reveals the slightest interest in the topic to his/her mate.

Generally, it's important to figure out what benefit is derived from viewing pornography. Is it to avoid sex with a partner? Is it because there is no partner and you want a source of stimulation? Is it because the images offer you contact with a sexual activity that you think you cannot access any other way? Is it because you have a self-destructive mind set and are wanting to be "brought down"? Is it to make some statement to others about yourself?

Once you have an understanding of why you connect with these types of images, you can then go to the step of figuring out whether your life is negatively impacted by your involvement with it. Are you failing to keep up with work or school because of it? Are you overspending on it? Are you meeting all of life's obligations, but not getting enough sleep because of interacting with it? Does it offend any of the beliefs that you hold as important to you?

At this point, the path to getting a hold on the use of sexual images diverges to many paths. That's because for some, it is appropriate to either decrease or stop using the materials. But, for others there is no harm apart from guilt that using it induces in the person using it.

It's possible that the partner who is interested in pornography has reached the limits of their ability to connect with their partner in an intimate manner. This means that the intimacy of being in a long-term committed relationship brings all the intimacy that they can handle. So, if they were to allow the intimacy that sex brings, it would be overwhelming.

If that's the case, then I would recommend some sex therapy. That's one of the best ways to help someone learn to handle more intimacy with one's mate so that sex does not need to be left out.

If pornography is a concern for you or your mate, perhaps you can begin to ask yourself the questions listed above and begin a dialogue with yourself that might lead to greater mastery of yourself, greater comfort with yourself, and a reconciliation with your mate over this issue.

Related Topics: Is Pornography Addictive?, Hooked Online

Orgasm Odds

I see a lot of questions on my Sex Matters message board from husbands who have wives who, for varying reasons, are disinterested in sex and when pressed by their husbands for reasons, admit that they find it unpleasant. Because sex is unpleasant for them, they often will refuse to seek therapy or take steps to correct the problem. Here are some interesting statistics about women, orgasm, and attitudes toward sex:

Approximately 10% of women have never had an orgasm from any type of stimulation. Their situation is definitely different from a woman who has had orgasms.

If a woman has not had an orgasm ever, sex is often decreasingly interesting to that woman. It's like going to a movie and leaving the theater ten minutes before it ends -- every time. You would stop going to the movies after about 100 or more visits -- probably sooner than that!

I don't have any statistics on women who never masturbate, but I'm willing to hazard a guess. Since about 10% of women have not had an orgasm, we can count them in (maybe 9% for those who try to masturbate but don't reach orgasm).

And, in my clinical practice, I have encountered a small number of women who are orgasmic with a partner, but do not masturbate. I'm willing to add another 10% to the number from that. So, my clinically based guess is about 19% give or take a few percentage points.

I don't know what the percentage of women is who do not enjoy receiving oral stimulation from research. But, I'm willing to form a guess based on my 23 years in this field. I would estimate about 20% of women do not enjoy it. The reasons for this are all over the map: "I'm dirty down there," "It feels too intense," "I don't like kissing my own genital smells when I kiss my partner," "It's too personal," -- to name a few.

As I write, there are probably researchers working on these issues. If you are a woman falling into the categories I've described, I hope you will think this through and seek help through couples' therapy.

Related Topics: Secrets of the Sexually Satisfied Woman, Women: Let's Talk About Sex

Abstinence-only Sex Education

I have strong feelings about teaching abstinence only sex education -- both as a sex therapist/sex educator and as a parent. Interestingly, I had these beliefs before I became a parent and they have only been strengthened by my experiences as a parent.

I think that the abstinence-only approach to sex education is an abomination on our children. (Is that strong enough? Almost.) They virtually guarantee that there will be unwanted pregnancies, high rates of sexually transmitted infections and shot-gun marriages that end in divorce (something that really does undermine the institution of marriage). These courses also guarantee that there will be no shortage of sex therapy clients well after my lifetime. Our culture transmits the most confusing messages about sexuality (and abstinence-only courses support the confusion).

Parents need to talk to children about sex and sexual feelings as good feelings early and whenever the opportunity arises so that these ideologically-ridden courses can be counteracted if one's child happens to attend school in a district that accepts the federal money and thereby sells out the children of that district. (I did warn you about the strength of my feelings.)

Parents also need to stress that while sexual feelings are wonderful, they should be shared with special people when the people involved have fully grasped the responsibilities and the potential outcomes of doing so.

Just as a parent would not have a pool in their back yard and never speak about how to swim, tread water and hold one's breath while under water -- a parent should never fail to address the sexual "pools" that are everywhere in the world.

I am a big fan of two books by Deborah Roffman: "But How'd I Get in There in the First Place: Talking to Your Young Child About Sex" and "Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex." I would recommend them to parents who find themselves up against abstinence-only courses.

Abstinence-only courses will be out there for a long time unfortunately. That's because politicians who support them find it an easy way to score points in an uninformed community. Studies continue to show that abstinence-only courses fail and they fail miserably. It's just that we live with an administration that bases its decisions on ideology -- not scientific research. Until that this method of policy formation is abandoned, we will be stuck with ideological treatises disguised as courses.

Related Topics: Teaching sex education to teens, Teens and STDs

Sexual Curiosity

There are questions from time to time on the Sex Matters message board from concerned parents who have just caught Johnny or Janie in the closet with their friend checking out each other's genitalia. These parents are afraid that their child has somehow discovered sexuality at far too early an age.

Here are some tips for handling this situation and understanding what it's really all about.

With same-gender friends, if you happen to walk in on it, simply say, "I see that you are showing each other your penis (or vulva, if they're girls). They look very much alike, don't they? Since it looks like you've figured that out, let's have everybody get their pants zipped up. What should we do next? Let's go play some soccer [or whatever]."

If it's a female child with whom he's doing this and you walk in on it: "I see that you are showing each other your penis and vulva [I'm for using the actual words]. They look a bit different, don't they? Since it looks like you've figured that out, let's have everybody get their clothes back on. What should we do next? Let's go play some soccer."

The point I am making is that the event can be acknowledged for what it is -- a fact finding mission. That's what six-year olds want to understand. They are little scientists who want to understand.

Adults mistakenly often ascribe adult sexual meaning to what is often as sexual as a trip to a museum. So, calmly describe it as a fact-finding mission, have everyone get dressed, and then go do something kind of neutral -- like play soccer in the back yard.

If an adult treats this discovery as having caught the kids with their guilty hands in the cookie jar, the intrigue about doing it will be set in motion. If it's calmly acknowledged and then you move on, it might happen a time or two more (use the same strategy), you will be seen as the person to come to when there are questions about sex or the genitals. And, that's exactly what you want to be -- an askable parent.


Related Links:Talking to Your Child About Sex, Questions and Answers about Sex

WebMD abstracts:For additional information and resources on sexual health and sexuality information, The Kinsey Institute, named for famed researcher Alfred Kinsey, has information on sex education, gender issues, sex therapy and much more.

Delayed Ejaculation

When you are trying to be aroused by another person, if the physical stimulation itself isn't sufficient to lead you to orgasm, then what you are doing mentally becomes crucial. You will find that the best path to overcoming delayed ejaculation more easily includes thinking and visualizing things that are erotic to you. This could include: scenarios that you have imagined and have never (and would never) experience, situations from your past that really excited you, things you do hope for, and any combination of sensory input that you can personally concoct.

Second, it means that you do your best to avoid thinking about things that make you anxious during the sex. Many times people start a downward spiral that includes things like, "I'm taking too long" or "I wonder if my partner's bored?" or "Why can't I get over this?" These types of thoughts predispose a person to slowing down the arousal and increase the chance of everything being slower.

Though we tend to hear much more about men with premature ejaculation, quite a few men would like to learn ways to reach orgasm more quickly and with fewer feelings of "working" at it. Before considering the psychological issues that follow, be sure to check with your physician about any sexual side effects of medication you take, particularly antidepressants. Also, get screened for medical conditions that may affect orgasm, including prostate problems, diabetes, cancer and neurovascular conditions.

Sex Matters® in Media

While in graduate school I ran a small company called “As You Like It” that did in-home presentations of sexual toys (like Tupperware). It gave me great practice at public speaking about sex and allowed me to fund graduate school. I ran that company throughout grad school and for a few years after I graduated until my therapy practice was large enough to support me living in pricey San Francisco.

Those experiences were useful in another way. I’ve been a consultant to a large in-home sex toy presentation company for over ten years. Prior to the birth of my two children, I wrote a monthly column for their newsletter and spoke at their conventions with the goal of making sure they were basing their sales pitches on accurate sexual information and not hyperbole. Currently my work with them is more occasional because a married mom with two little children can only do so much.

I happened to be “mediagenic,” so through happenstance and a bit of good fortune, I did a lot radio and television appearances in San Francisco and New York. Those were the days of educational talk shows (just post-Phil Donohue but pre-Jerry Springer, et al) and it was a wonderful time. I got to offer sex education to folks that would never set foot in a therapy office. I’ve turned down invitations to do talk shows for the last eight years. That’s an entire essay in itself.

My media appearances led to the “San Francisco Examiner” (one of the two major daily newspapers at the time) offering me a weekly column in 1993. I wrote that “Sex Matters” column for seven years and it appeared across from the comics and above and to the left of Ann Landers. I could not have designed a better location! I service marked the name “Sex Matters” and have carried it with me ever since.

A health website (OnHealth) also thought up the name “Sex Matters” for their sexuality section as they were launching their site, but wisely decided to see if anyone “owned” it. Sure enough, they found me and realized that I was already doing what they wanted. That led to three years of writing columns and message boards for them before they merged with WebMD almost five years ago.

Related Links: Dr Ruth: Let's Talk Love & Sex, Dr Ruth Talks About Sex After 50

Sexology: The Life of a Sex Therapist

People often want to know what my day is like and how it is that I got into the sex therapy field in the first place. The standard phrase was, “How did a nice girl like you wind up in a job like this?”

Some people set up professional lives that are strictly involved in clinical work. They see a certain number of clients each week and that’s how they spend their time. That has not been my primary path.

I had earlier trained to be a secondary school English teacher and had always had an inclination toward enjoying teaching. Sex happened to be a topic that held interest for nearly everyone -- as opposed to teaching grammar, Shakespeare, and Chaucer! Once I made the switch to sexuality, my classroom was now the world and the audience was “all ears.” Interestingly also, I had a sex education course in high school and held a fond spot in my heart for the teacher, Mrs. Snarsky.

Reading the book, “The Hite Report” is what gave me the idea originally to enter graduate school in sexology in 1978. Hers was one of the early sex education books designed for the average person. Conversations that I had had in my own mind were now external and in print for anyone to read!

Related Topics: What does a sex therapist do?, Searching for Sex Therapy

Tags: sex therapy,sexuality