Cybersex and Pornography Online
Here is a situation I see more and more often as the internet becomes a staple in homes.
Your situation underlines the importance of checking in with one's spouse about the various aspects of long-term relationships: the finances, the in-laws, the jobs, the children (if any), the cleanliness and orderliness of the home, the future plans (if any), and the sex. Many times people assume that because they are with a person whom they know pretty well, they know the current feelings about these topics as their mate sees it. Often they are wrong. It's what keeps marriage counselors' practices busy.
So, even though you said your vows and have been together for a while, it sounds like the topic of online chatting and sexual picture exchange never came up. That's where the expectations part comes in.
Your husband offers explanations about his behavior that are plausible, but not highly believable. He also brushed off a chance to set the record straight without lying. That's where honesty comes in.
I would take this opportunity to sit down with him (perhaps with a counselor) and go through the topics that I listed above (and add any that are important to the two of you). Get it all out on the table so that you can do right by him on the expectations part.
Then, having done that, ask him to bring his best self to this marriage and not try to bluff you with flimsy and transparent responses to your questions. If he has sexual desires that he gets to talk about with these other women, then ask him to tell you what those are. That way you have the opportunity to say, "Yes, I'll do that" or "No, I won't." Find out what really prompted him to hazard a guess that he was doing right by you in this marriage.
I think that you can put this relationship back together. But, I think that you'll need to do what I've mentioned above (at a minimum) for both of you to feel OK.
Related Topics: Secrets of a Happy Marriage, Sexual Dysfunction Quiz
Technorati Tags: relationships, sexualhealth
I made the mistake of reading my husband's email last night. I was on his computer when the little email window popped up. I clicked on it without thinking and now I wish I hadn't. We've been married 10 years but I'm not sure we'll make it to 11.There are two main issues: uncommunicated expectations and honesty.
I discovered that he's been surfing porn sites and going to chat rooms to have sex with other women online. He's even exchanged nude photos of himself with them.
I feel as betrayed as if he'd actually met them in person and had sex. When I confronted him, he didn't understand why I was upset. He said that having sex online was harmless and a way to 'get off' without breaking his marriage vows. He claims that I'm the only one he wants, but he wants the chance to experience things I don't or won't do without any risk. I don't see it that way at all.
I feel rejected, unloved, betrayed, and unattractive. I don't even think I can stand to stay married to him. Is there anything I can do?
Your situation underlines the importance of checking in with one's spouse about the various aspects of long-term relationships: the finances, the in-laws, the jobs, the children (if any), the cleanliness and orderliness of the home, the future plans (if any), and the sex. Many times people assume that because they are with a person whom they know pretty well, they know the current feelings about these topics as their mate sees it. Often they are wrong. It's what keeps marriage counselors' practices busy.
So, even though you said your vows and have been together for a while, it sounds like the topic of online chatting and sexual picture exchange never came up. That's where the expectations part comes in.
Your husband offers explanations about his behavior that are plausible, but not highly believable. He also brushed off a chance to set the record straight without lying. That's where honesty comes in.
I would take this opportunity to sit down with him (perhaps with a counselor) and go through the topics that I listed above (and add any that are important to the two of you). Get it all out on the table so that you can do right by him on the expectations part.
Then, having done that, ask him to bring his best self to this marriage and not try to bluff you with flimsy and transparent responses to your questions. If he has sexual desires that he gets to talk about with these other women, then ask him to tell you what those are. That way you have the opportunity to say, "Yes, I'll do that" or "No, I won't." Find out what really prompted him to hazard a guess that he was doing right by you in this marriage.
I think that you can put this relationship back together. But, I think that you'll need to do what I've mentioned above (at a minimum) for both of you to feel OK.
Related Topics: Secrets of a Happy Marriage, Sexual Dysfunction Quiz
Technorati Tags: relationships, sexualhealth
49 Comments:
What a cop out. If he is doing it online and not telling his wife he is hiding it. It is stepping way outside the bounds of trust in a marriage. It is wrong. If he would not do it with her there, he should not do it. It does and will lead to other things. My almost and ex was doign this and soon found others who would do it with him and this lead to several affairs. Now after 33 years of marriage he has left me for one of his "innocent friendships". Anyone who thinks that sex online is not cheating is very, very, wrong.
I chatted for more than 3 years in the same chat room with friends. Most were female and I had a lot of fun meeting my female friends from different parts of the country. One of these friends is now as close as a sister to me. I didn't have online sexual relationships, I had a community of friends. My children were grown, and one day they got an apartment together and I was an instant empty-nester. I'd been married 20 years and shortly after the kids moved out I realized they had grown up but their father had not. And then there was chat. I turned more and more to my friends. I realized that if I didn't do something drastic, I would still be sitting there 20 years later looking at this man who wanted nothing but a good movie and a joint to make him happy. We were in our 40's and had no insurance, savings or plans for our retirement. Then one day in chat, at the end of my rope, I announced that I had asked my husband for a seperation but he had refused to leave. Within 2 days, a male friend whom I trusted and considered a wise, considerate friend offered me an escape. I moved 800 miles from home and soon realized that I had never known happiness. I am working on my finances and preparing for my future and I don't wake up wondering what is going to be messed up each and everyday. The internet is a dangerous place and I caution anyone against what I have done. My situation is very rare. I made the right decision.
But, if your spouse is online, you had better be paying attention. There is a problem. I never wanted this to happen but the internet gave me the world literally at my fingertips to find a way out. For those of you who want a way out, do it on your own if you can.
I found out my husband had been having cybersex when he said he was leaving me. When I questioned him, he wouldn't give me a straight answer. I kept asking and finally he admitted that he was having an affair with someone he'd met online AND that he'd been having cybersex for quite some time. After some consideration, he decided he would end his affair and work on our marriage. We went to couple's communication counseling, but when I suggested marriage counseling he balked. My marriage of 19 years to a man everyone thought was a great guy, and a truly committed one, was over. Almost as soon as I left, Ms. Cybersex moved in - she was/is married and, in my opinion, used my husband to get out of her situation (apparently the poor thing was bored). We had a good relationship, including sexually, until my husband began having cybersex. Looking back, I can see he no longer shared as much of himself including his ideas about sex. In any case, how do you compete against someone willing to engage in total fantasy? Eventually, I figure my now ex-husband and Ms. Cybersex will have reality set in - life simply isn't all fun and games. Meanwhile, 2 marriages ended, 2 little boys are probably very confused and my teenaged daughter feels betrayed by her dad.
Curious, How does one determine "genuinely" the gender of a cyber sex partner or for that matter the age, race, or religion. In cyberspace one can masquerade as anyone so really, is there anything more other than fraud going on?
Do not forget that the people he wi chatting with on the other side are women (and not all of them may be single). If it's not okay for him to do this then it's not okay for the those women too.
online is pure fantasy and should not be counted as stepping outside the marriage.
I've just got to say that the husband in this situation was dead wrong to think that his actions were innocent. Moreso, the fact that he didn't own up to them and apologize indicates to me that he knew what he was doing was wrong. I mean, when confronted he got defensive saying there's nothing wrong with his actions, so he knows that he is lying. If he has some form of sexual addiction, he needs counseling. If he's just doing it because his sex life with his wife is less then what he thinks it should be, there may be more wrong in his marriage than just this. Anyway, he needs to realize that his marriage is important and worth giving up his selfish fantasies.
I once remember a president who said" I was only lusting in my heart" and betrayed my wife. As a man I can tell you fastasy plays a big part in our sex life and wives should be aware that sex and imagination should be a shared value of the marriage or our nature when not mauture will lead us to cyberspace. Guys , it is still sex even in your imagination and heart!
One of the problems here is massive generalizing based on personal experience. Because Spouse A uses cybersex and moves on to full-blown cheating does NOT mean that Spouses B through Z (online) are doing the same thing! Some of them will. Some of them won't.
We should not be making blanket condemnations based on anecdotal evidence or personal opinion; I know of anecdotes that point both ways, for instance.
Accusing online spouses in chat rooms of automatically cheating is akin to saying picking up a sexy magazine means the spouse is ready to bolt. Not the case---more marrtied men read Playboy than single men (there are statistics to support this), but it's not a prelude to divorce court.
As someone pointed out, the trust issues are paramount. Find out why the behavior is taking place, and whether or not the cause is a threat to the marriage. Address the threat (if it is one) without making an assumption, and also fid out just how far the activity has gone--online or otherwise.
But keep in mind that spouses are usually people we know, love, and trust--our first obligation is ther benefit of the doubt. Not with blinders on, but with curious compassion.
The problem is not cybersex, the problem is the people. The "husband" or "wife" who has cybersex had their communication and "relationship" problems long before they went to a chat room. A decent analogy is gun control. The gun (cybersex) is not the problem, the person who uses the gun irresponsibly is the problem. Analogies are imperfect, so don't reject the premise of personal responsibility. People get married for the wrong reasons and the communication problems started, 90 % of the time, before the marriage. Society consistently blames a technology rather than people. When people who are not in any "relationship" use cybersex to explore their sexual needs, they have the opportunity to learn about themselves and the opportunity to communicate their "hidden" needs if they decide to start dating. Cybersex, used "properly", could prevent the wrong people from getting into a "relationship".
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Sounds simple to me, ask him "looks like fun, show me how to start, and I'll have some Down and Dirtycybersex myself". See if that changes his feeling toward this!
Cybersex is nothing more than enhanced masturbation. You may not even consider having "real" sex with the person. Some people may move forward and cheat, some may not.
As long as it's "just fantasy", then women need to "get over it". What's the difference between online porn and just plain mental fantasies? The difference? There is none. Males will always have sex on their mind, and if a woman is that "riled up" over that, and cannot distinguish between fantasy and real, then she has a "confidence problem" (confidence about themselves). What's next? Divorcing because he "glanced" at a girl?? Of course, this is all coming from a male perspective, so I am being biased. Bottom line----communication. And most people DO NOT know how to communicate, and that is where most problems occur.
First, there was an assumption in the answer that the husband never made his fantasies known to his wife. She did not say he never told her about those fantasies, only that he said she wouldn't do it.
Second, fantasizing is not cheating. Would she have as much objection to his masturbating while thinking about these women? The answer is probably Yes.
This woman needs to address her own sexual insecurities, not damn her husband for his fantasies.
Couples should pay attention to each others needs and be open to one another. If you cannot share your soul with your spouse you may be tempted to share your body with others.
I like the, "Some will go on to cheat and some won't," justification for a married man having cybersex. The same could be said about drunk driving--that some will have accidents and some won't. What's been ignored is that if you have to justify it, it's wrong. It threatens the marriage. How it does so was recognized long before computers: "An affair doesn't start in bed, it starts over dinner."
ridiculous, the cyber sex aspect of it is no real threat, and the answer the husband gave is genuine and plausible, men are visual and attention craving creatures that seek out these things to satisfy needs. the internet offers a safe way to address these without threatening the relationship. true the interest could lead to something more. but normally the anonymous nature of it usally mitagates against it. the husband could just as easily date and communicate with real women in a real setting, now that would threaten the relationship. let him have his toy, the wife stated she was happy so it obviously was having no damage anyway. having an affair is having an affair and cybersex is not real sex stop looking for reasons to be unhappy
Before the days of computers there was a physical line to be crossed. My ex-husband crossed it many times. This woman did not walk in on her husband and a flustered woman. She essentially walked in on today's version of a husband in the bathroom with a Playboy or on the phone with a 976 # talking to a fat hairy woman with a very sexy voice. For good Lord's sake, seek counseling! I say if no body fluids were exchanged, it ain't cheating. I very much liked this suggestion:
"3:53 PM
jonesridge said...
Sounds simple to me, ask him "looks like fun, show me how to start, and I'll have some Down and Dirtycybersex myself". See if that changes his feeling toward this!"
Only I would ask, IN COUNSELING, if he would mind if I do it and show me how. This COULD be turned around and into an avenue where they could BOTH enjoy this type of sex, together. If she's so willing to throw the relationship away based on this type of liaison, I can't help but wonder what problems led up to this and if, perhaps, she was just LOOKING for an "out." The only part I have a problem with in any way is him sending dirty pics of himself to others, but I am still reminded that anyone looking inches away from any part of his anatomy is STILL only LOOKING at a PICTURE or WEBCAM. That's a big difference between being inches away from the real thing. This may break her heart but if she truly loves him and he hasn't stepped over any physical line this marriage is worth another look...barring OTHER underlying problems that preceded this. The rest of us can only wish this to be the extent of our partners cheating on us in our lifetimes.
Intimacy in a relationship is not only about sex. When cybersex becomes habitual it creates a frame of mind that blurs lines and makes infidelity much more acceptable but not necessarily inevitable. If there is fundamental dissatisfaction in the sexual life of a couple, it is because usually, one or the other is unable to listen sympathetically to the other person's sexual fantasies which could create the expectation that the listener ought to satisfy that fantasy. The fantasizer has a maturity problem (possibly adolescent type of sexual fantasizing)while the listener may have problems of insecurity because the other person's sexual fantasies really have little to do with her own sexuality or secursity issues. Authenticity needs to be the basis of a relationship and each person needs to face inner dysfunctions and fears in order to be strong enough to face the vicissitudes of a life together. If there is no inner moral foundation, problems will arise, but on the other hand, we are all still in a process and have clay feet. Most of those who stray sexually have no wish to hurt the spouse, but rally can't help themselves and have their own inner torments about what they know constitutes a form of betrayal. But, marriage is no rose garden and needs a balanced perspective rather than just an emotional response when confronted with issues.
This is a close subject to home for me, because like so many people I have been drawn to the Internet in my search for a partner. With as many as 40% of "dates" now being arranged via dozens of sites that permit expanded and tailored profiling of "ideal matches," it is no wonder that people who are "bored" at home look elsewhere. You don't even have to "be" elsewhere -- a single person can search from home entirely, between washing the dishes and cooking a turkey.
In the several years I have been on-line, I have met only 6 ladies. (Ok, I am VERY picky.) I have also been "played" for extended periods of time by people I later found out WERE married. So if anyone thinks men are the lone culprits of internet infidelity, I have news for you. That notion could not be more WRONG!
Some on-line groups take a very narrow view of players and lying, and as such we find ways to "reality check" people before we arrange to meet, or start filling out "Fiance Visa" paperwork to import a girlfriend/boyfriend from Australia, Canada, etc.
Some groups create "safety nets" (safe call systems for first meetings) and have people on their team who do the digging and WILL report people to the authorities (or a spouse) if serious problems are discovered. Some of my hard knocks has gone into a book on Using the Internet to find the Love of a Lifetime.
There are clever ways to do background checks on your own (links are on this page: http://libertypulpit.us/id150.htm )and I also have (in the book: http://www.lulu.com/content/65366 ) a simple list of "Red Flags" to help you put logic over emotion when you are lonely, and share some of the early warning signs of trouble.
Interestingly enough, this information CAN be used in reverse! If you suspect your spouse is using the Internet in unseemly ways, it behooves you, for example, to take courses on Internet Explorer's "tracking" features. You can quickly discover the sites he/she has visited (unless the spouse is savvy and knows how to cover the tracks left). You can also search the most popular dating services to see what profile and info might be up for the world to see.
The point is not to be in denial if your gut tells you something is wrong. It is better if you find out on your own than to get a surprize phone call from the crew of "Cheaters" about what your "other half" is doing. Those of us sincerely seeking a legitmate partner have more interesting things to do than discover a hidden spouse.
Yes, on-line infidelity is still infidelity. It can ruin a relationship in a hurry, and if a person will cheat once, they will likely continue the pattern with another person once boredom sets in.
I recommend spiritual counseling over secular for troubled couples, simply because getting a person in tune with scriptural teachings can solve many marital problems. We need not tolerate such destructive behaviors, and the number of people getting hurt by it grows daily.
H.B.
Lusting of the heart, of the mind, of the loins is still all lusting. It is the same physical and mental betrayal of a mate as actually doing the dastardly deed. Yet, one can understand the animal instinct of diversiveness is indeed strong. Objectively, a male or female of the species should be able to mate with and be loyal to as many as he/she is comfortable with;however, we have imposed social folkways and morees upon ourselves as a society or as a religious enigma that such a lifestyle is taboo.
The basic problem is that their is no real faith in their religion and their teachings.In Bible it is written if you lust in your heart you have already commited adultry and the punishment is hell unless repent the sin and not repeat it.
Even though all of Europe and USA are christians they have no beleif in their religions,all are materialistic and harbour too much personal freedom,thus the result canot be anything other than what happened to this lady.
If they are religious there will not adultry, cheating and divorce .
WOW ! I have been left out.
Tell me where to get the site.
Sure. I shall share wit my wife
i think it ia good thing to hAVE SEX ON LINE. YOU CAN DO SOMETHING WHICH WIFE MAY NOT ALLOW TO DO IT. THIS GIVES US SPAC3E AND reliieves the mind. i want to it. i am doing for some time now
Can a Man take fire to his bousom and not get burned? NO!
Can a Man look at porn and not Lust in his heart? NO!
Can anyone continually think on cheating and not develope a habit that gets out of hand? NO!
Why get married if you plan on having sex without your mate from time to time????????????
Is solo Sex still Sex? Jesus said it is!
Who are we really fooling????
Just look at Maurie Povich Show every day, and watch the talk show's. And watch Divorce Court with Judge Mabline every day.
If you really want a healthy marriage be faithful until death do you part, and don't give yourself permission to have any sexual experience without your spouse for no reason, and talk about everything.
And if you can't do all of that then you have no business ever getting married.
My Divorce was just finalized 2-16-06 due to my husband never having sex with me because he could not tear himself away from porn in any form he could get it.
Porn is very addictive, and like my husband of 29 years he always prefferd his hand over me from day one. And for the first 11 years of marrige he made me think it was always my fault he did not desire me.
Then finally when he started having panic attacks his doctor finally told him the nerves become very sensitive when you hold secrets. So finally he had a reason to confess to me what he was doing, and he admitted there was nothing wrong with me it was all his fault because he knew he had always taken care of himself so there was nothing left for me.
So anyone think there is nothing wrong with porn or a little affair on the side talk to the women like me. And if a person destroys their spouse this way they also destroy their children along with that spouse.
I could go on but I'm tired of sitting here.
And I have to say the moral decay of our society is very decayed. All through my divorce this past year I was the one attacked by my lawyer, and my ex-husbands lawyer like I had done him wrong, but my husband abused me throught the entire marriage.
And because I could not take it anymore the system beat me up, and sided with him. Even though he had numerous affairs on me, and even got himself arrested for being a pervert in a Mall parking lot.
I thought to myself what is wrong with this system?
I tell you I am so happy to be free from the bondage of this marriage.
it's just a short time before he goes to the real thing. mine does that and even has pics of old girlfriends on the computer and he gets mad because it hurts me and he said that if i don't trust him to get out. if men have to do "online sex" and porn to see what's out there and like what they see, they will go for it.
This is VERY damaging to their marriage. It will cause huge problems in their marriage. The husband will start getting distant with her. It will cause them to disconnect from those they love. It is very addicting. It is absolutely not a casual thing, it is very damaging to their relationship. If her husband would focus on her, their marriage would be blessed. I suggest this wife read "Every heart restored" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred & Brenda Stoeker.
I say, "Divorce him"! Yes it is cheating. The bible says, "whosover looks at a woman and lusts after her has already commited adultry in his heart". You have the absolute proof of it right in front of you so it isn't like it is mere speculation. Personally if all men cheat in their minds for other women or lust for other women I would not want any of the. I would rather be alone. The men that do this will lead you to believe that "all" men lust for others and look at porn and cheat but it is not true. Get yourself a man that has morals and get rid of this evil, cheating dog. I have more love for myself to expect a higher quality of love and faithfulness and you should too. Love yourself enough to realize that you can have better and should not tolerate the scraps this guy throws you when he is all done with the other women. What could possibly left for you? What really gets me is how he does't even sound sorry. He justified it and acts like he did nothing wrong. What kind of guy would rather sit around jacking off when he has a woman right there that he could make love to? I say a very sick and disturbed type that I wouldn't want.
A survivor of breast cancer (for now).I found this article on cyber sex while waiting for my turn for my mamogram...I consider myself (not to be vain) but a head turner at the age of 53. I do have scaring for surgery, so the girls(breast) aren't what they use too be..I was relieved to find I'm not alone on this issue.My fiance' has been having cyber sex for over a year..It took arguing, tears and a 10' wall between us to get him too stop. What it has done too me, is awfull, he'll never be trusted, and a suspicion instilled in me, That makes me cringe. Its truly not me. I have strong sexual desires and fantasies myself and would never think of cybersex only the man I'm with. The word fiance' comes to mind and I know I'll never marry him, because of this and the trust thing..This is what cybersex has done too me..Sad for me when I think I'm a survivor and this man would do this to me for thats what he did..How do I compete with this.. At 53 I realize that being alone is ok..He still lives with me, but sex,comuncation and trust is completly gone because of his actions.
I am a Bi-Female wife. I look at women on the computer I love my husband and no other. I would never dream about cybersex. It is different to look at porn verses participating in it. Like this husband is doing. Never in my life would I put Nude pictures of myself on the internet. It is wrong and discusting lol.
I am a woman who has engaged in cyber-sex. When my husband found email messages. I realized what I did was wrong and feel horrible for my husband. I didn't do it because I don't love my husband or because we don't have a good sexual relationship, but because of my self-esteem. I had my own issues that did not include my husband. Although this is selfish thinking, it was the reason. To all of you out there who said it is okay to cyber, YOU ARE WRONG!! It takes away from your marriage, and yes it most likely will lead to an outside affair. I knew what he looked like and he knew what I looked like. We even lived within 10 miles of each other. If I had to do it all over again I would not have done it.
I'm a gay man and I'm 60. My new partner of 20 months is 62. We met after my partner of 23 years died of cancer. Anyway, the way we met was online and we had a great sexual relationship in the beginning. I still think it's OK but wondered why there was some distance between us, arguements, and why the sex wasn't all that great anymore. I found out that he has been having cybersex with several people, this includes phone sex and also e-mails where he was inviting people over when I was out of town. To say the least I was devistated and furious with him. We decided to be monogamous and he in my opinion broke this promise. If you're having intimate phone sex with Rick or Rita and you're getting off and looking forward to your next encounter, you are depriving your partner a part of you that you won't share for some reason. It's probably an addiction. I'm sure this behavior pattern existed before we met but he never said anything to me about it. When confronted, he like a lot of people, brushed it off as just fantasy and no harm intended. But there is harm because you've had great cybersex with some idiot you met online. An you look forward to the next enouncter instead of looking forward to being with your partner. That's pretty selfish. He wants sex to be the same as the first night we met. He said needs this fix in order to improve his sex life with me. DUH. I've been told by other I'm pretty good in the sack and have alot of experience. I've had people call me to arrange meetings for the sex, etc. Not bragging but I like sex and want to please my partner. So I know it's not me. I think that's pretty sad. I'm working on getting us to couple counseling, which he has agreed to go to. It's easy on the PC and harder in real life. What a wus and a sneak. Poor communicator.
There is always a thrill in flirting even to the point of sexual satisfaction with someone you just met. as a man I would guess that to at least 75% of all the men that cyber it is just the means to and end in other words it is our version of a vibrator, we just want a quick thrill to get off with. We have no intention of going any further with the relationship. Sex drive is the unstoppable force, if we can't get it at home we will be tempted to go elsewhere. Give your man the best sex (in his opinion not yours) that you can, and he will not stray. If you think he is a pervert and the things he likes don't turn you on, then you are not sexually compatible and your relationship is in great danger.
I've been through this in my marriage too. Once I found a very raunchy video in the back of my husband's closet. Another time I discovered he was spending time in sex chat rooms. We were/are both in middle age and I was pretty much blindsided by all that ... but I realize now I was just not being realistic about male sexuality.
We talked about it and it brought us closer. I did ask him to give up the chat, not because I thought he was a pervert but because that particular thing troubled me deeply. He agreed, and I think he has abided by his promise, but who can be sure?
I'm certain of one thing. I may be his wife but I do not have jurisdiction over his fantasy life, any more than he has jurisdiction over mine. I disagree HEARTILY with the "lust in your heart" mentality. There is a huge difference between imagining and doing. Imagination is not to be repressed, it's a core human quality, a gift, and so is libido.
Don't misunderstand me. Sex addiction is a real problem and bad for the soul. But ... you wouldn't want an asexual husband, would you? Well, a sexual husband is going to have fantasies and masturbate once in a while too. Men are hard-wired to enjoy some pretty kinky fantasies, some of which they might want to engage in "in real life" and some of which are safely tucked in the realm of the imaginal.
These issues are difficult. Marriages are being strained across the continents. But they always were, weren't they? There always has been a "sexual divide." So many cultures took it for granted that husbands would have mistresses or go to prostitutes. Modern women expect something more: abiding fidelity; some men are giving us that by fleeing into cybersex instead of the arms of real flesh-and-blood women. I wish it wasn't true, but I'm afraid it's a megatrend.
See, I think cybersex in writing can just be an interactive form of masturbation. Anonymous, like a magazine.
However, if he is masturbating with the same partner all the time or exchanging nude pictures, that becomes intimate. Not okay.
Hi,I am a christian pastor from Jamaica and I think that Cybersex is just as harmful as the real thing because it moves away you attract for the real wife to some computer- enhance body.Especially for older couple this could spell trouble as the man now expects his wife to never age.
Pastor Michael Carter,Jamaica
www.michaelcarter.org
Im sorry for the wife I know how this feels. Something similar happened to me and i still cant get past it. 23 yrs of marriage may be down the drain. How can a man lust in their heart for another woman and hurt their wife like that? When you love your wife isnt that enough?
how do you know if he hasn't taken it further and is doing it on the outside in person? how do you ever trust him again???
My husband of 14 years has said over and over, "I will not do it again" however he has had physical extra-marital relationships and now wants it more believalbe than ever. He tells me awful things and highly believes that he would rather see me dead than continue with me since I hold him back from cybersex, fantasies, masterbation and younger women. I am 10 years older than him and probably will not live to see another day. His love life is the internet, himself and other women. I am the mother figure he never had and tries to control me as such where his own mother rejects him. I can only cry and let people of community strenght and faith know about him. He loves and believes in himself and wants the woman of sexual dreams. Oh by the way, he wears women's panties especially thong type and has exhusted several credit cards for them.
Is viewing nude photos on the Internet considered the same as looking at porn? In other words, is nude photography the same as porn?
When handed a difficult situation like this, the best way to handle it is to have a calm conversation about what happened (as hard as that may be). Explain to him that you known and have known about the incident that is taken place and proper measures to prevent this from occurring in the future. Be firm but not overly-aggressive. Give it a week and if the same thing happens, then be more strict. Working through situations is what a lot of American families need to do nowadays. The divorce rates are too high! I do agree that a situation like this is horrible but is not something you can't work out!
because of course sex and love are exactly the same thing. if he's not sexually satisified by you he must not really love you, go figure (End of sarcasm)
the more I look at traditional morality the more I frown on it. They're not the same thing. I've been totally head over heels for women I wasn't turned on by or who just weren't willing to play around with my own unique style. It seems totally plausible to me that he could totally love you but not be getting everything that he really needs for his sexual health, there's always a huge disconnect too. men tend to want it like every night (if not multiple times!) and women often seem to treat it like a semi-regular but semi-special occasion.
The not being upfront about it really bothers me though. But try to keep your head up, it's probably not you.
My wife is cyber cheating on me even though she admits our sex life is fantastic and has never been better. The other day she watched a guy playing with himself on cam, less than an hour after we had made love.
I know this because I have been monitoring her online activities discretely. I started spying on her after she said she would stop cyber chatting and I was pretty convinced she was lying - and I was right.
I believe she has never yet physically cheated on me in 14 years of relationship, but I also believe she will eventually do so with one of the many online lovers she chats to behind my back. She knows names and addresses and talks to them on phone. Some live close by and others visit our city on business.
I have tried joining her online and doing it as a couple. It was great for our sex life, but did not stop her doing it on her own.
I am now strongly considering a divorce. Only thing stopping me is the effect it will have on our two wonderful kids.
I would say it is cheating, it is destructive to a relationship and it is addictive. I don't think she could or would stop despite telling her lovers how committed she is to her marriage.
I am a 48 yr old woman that used to have a very high libido. I went thru a dry spell however that lasted for years. My husband had to resort to porn and masterbation for relief. He did not tep out as far as I know even though when I was at my peak of sexual desire he got hooked on phone sex. I worked outside the home and he did not work at all. One night he asked me to pick out some porn for him and at least then in some way, I would be participating with his sex life.I complied and found myself horny for the first time in years. Then he started working on the road and I found my self lonely and horny. I found myself looking at men and thinking" I sure would like to have some of that" So I found an interactive site that was free and I found sharing masterbation with some one helped ease my lonliness and empty space. What it also did was made me an absolute freak in bed when he came home. I always cyber with guys that live far away, usually they are not getting any or much from their wives (if they are to be believed) They know I am maried and don't do the flesh to flesh thing with anyone but my husband. I have shared pics and enjoy getting them in return. I know it is a form of cheating and that my husband would be very hurt if he knew. I know I was crushed when I got a 1,200 phone bill during his excapades. His excuse had been that since I had lost weight and got down from a size 14to a size 5 he felt insecure. Well now I am a size 18 but the fantasy life of the cyber world allows me to feel sexy, to forget the arthritis in my back and my breathing difficulties. I can be "limber and have stamina and hopefully help keep men in there marrages without stepping out to cheat on a physical level. So, I believe it is a lesser form of cheating and fully know that my husband is reaping the benifit of my increased libido.
IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE BEING CHEATED ON THEN YOU ARE (feelings)that is the key that is why god gave it to us so we don't have to ask any one if you say you don't have a brain then you are dead.IF we use the one in our head then we can really know that any forum of sex with out the one you say you love is wrong. We have to be together how did we get here.Stay single. I AM!!!!!!!!
Porn sickens me it destroys relationships,Marriages ,trust and sexual desire. I am having problems of my own.We been together for 26 years have children-grandchildren. I made the mistake of bringing a computer into our home several years ago. The porn didnt start right away however my partner wont even get a job. This has been going on for a couple of years now He always has an excuse as to why he cant work. It wasnt until 4 months ago that I decided to put a spyware program on our computer to see exactly what he was doing when I went to work and its to sick to even talk about. I hate him,have no desire for him he sickens me. I have since installed 3 different porn blockers but he still finds ways. He will never stop so I have decided to sell my home as soon as the market is better and get the hell away from him.This has totally distroyed my entire family financially,emotionally ect.. And as for those women how allow there selfs to come into our family's home will someday want that prefect family with the white picket fence and guess what? There will be a women just like her lurking in the back ground to distroy her dreams. God Bless everyone who is going through this. There has got to be a way to stop this what happen to the FCC they use to kick people and programs off the air for saying a bad word.
Many men will cyber, because they do not get the same feeling sexually from their partners, not as intense and as for women, I think it is the same. It can give a person freedom they have never had before. Many couples have open relationships and stay together. Any form of cheating will hurt the other partner, only natural, how do you feel when you notice your partner looking at someone else while they are out with you? doesn't mean they want to leave you. Each to there own. If cyber bothers you, get rid of the computer and if you need a computer for something, go to the public library and use one.
I grew up in religious home where I was brought up being told it was wrong to have sex unless you were married. I was introduced to porn when I wed in my 20's and I became curious and believe it is addictive. At first my spouse wanted me to view with him to "spice it up". He was addicted and I did not see it at first. I started getting uncomfortable when I would notice he would be watching porn and not really into "spice action" with me. It's like he was doing them not me. A couple other times I caught him masterbating while he was supposed to be watching our two year old and he was propped up next to tv nude with just a towel infront while he was masterbating, all while my two year old was playing and running around in the open where he was going about his movie. I felt kinda fooled, and I started feeling like he would rather be with someone that had no morals and would like to have their body used for sex with no questions asked. He would tell me to watch porn with him only and If I did it without him it was out of curiousity to see "WHAT does HE DO THIS FOR". I thought is there something I should be doing to him or not doing? All I really see on porn is that you not only "spice it up" you become more used to the acts you are seeing and could lead to stray and this always causes relationship problems even when you are open with each other and stray with approval. There is no real safe porn because it really all leads to fulfilling fantasy and it gets old and this is where it gets to be fetishes, with kids, animals and even eating #2 while having sex? It corrupts and desrupts your life and mind. I always feel dirty when I watched it but thought it was okay as long as he was with me only. Now that Im divorced, I could look back at all the girls he would glance at when we were out in public and while watching porn he would always bring up "people he would like to have join us to spice it up more". I say, stick to old fashioned morals and sex and you will not have problems. God bless
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