Sex After Kids
I have a 2 year old and both my husband and I have full-time executive level jobs. Before we had our son, sex was frequent and great. Now, I'm exhausted all the time and fall asleep early, sometimes before I make it to bed. Weekends are full days too. We are having sex less and less, and my husband is starting to feel as if I am not attracted to him anymore.
To be honest, most of the time I'd pay for sleep and skip the sex. Any suggestions?
As the mother of two with a husband of similar description, I understand your dilemma.
Tending to small children is not a particularly romantic thing. Poopy diapers and vomit just don't bring out the vixen in most women.
There's no doubt about it, small (and sometimes large) children can put a damper on a woman's sexual desire. The exhaustion factor is there quite often. There can be some resentment about the division of labor in the household. Hormonal changes can occur. Breastfeeding keeps prolactin in a woman's body and that suppresses sexual desire.
The level of intimacy in the marriage generally goes up when children arrive. Sometimes that level is too high. All the issues that must be handled when children are part of the picture can overload a couple's ability to be connected romantically.
I have found that most couples don't begin to get back to anything that resembles their earlier sexual relationship until the youngest in the house is three. Until that time, most couples have less energy for sex. That's the nature of raising little children if you're doing the parenting instead of a nanny.
In my opinion, that's where "dating" comes in. Pick a Saturday night for a date. Get a sitter. Make sure that you get a nap that afternoon (that's your husband's duty to assure). Then, go out for dinner and some time for emotional connection between you as adults. The sitter puts the baby to sleep and you come home as soon as the coast is clear. That's your time to have some sex that isn't hurried or sleepy.
Put those "dates" on the calendar as often as you feel is appropriate. Your husband then has at least that to anticipate. You feel less pressured on the other days. (Sometimes feeling less pressured leads to an occasional spontaneous sexual connection springing from general good will.)
In addition to this strategy, I recommend the following two books: "Great Sex for Moms: Ten Steps for Nurturing Passion While Raising Kids" by Valerie Raskin and "The Mother's Guide to Sex: Enjoying Your Sexuality through All Stages of Motherhood" by Anne Semans and Cathy Winks.
Related Topics: Will Baby Strengthen or Strain Your Marriage?, Men's Sex Lives Better at 50 than 30
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31 Comments:
I think one problem that stay at home parents face is that after having your little one climbing all over you and hugging on you alot during the day - the last thing you want is to be all snuggly and close with anyone at night. It takes some work to maintain a slightly normal sex life after having a baby and both parties involved have to be aware of the other one's needs - sexual and otherwise.
As a fulltime working mother of a darling one year old who still breastfeeds at night and co-sleeps, sex is non existent(sp). When DH nd I do "make it happen" we feel its just because we have to get it in there once a blue moon. Its tough working fulltime and taking care of the baby and the house. Help!!!!! We do have a wondeful relationship otherwise and communicate alot so its just a matter of getting DS out of teh bed and off the boob!! Maybe mommy and daddy can then get back in the game.
I'm fortunate enough to have a husband that is sleep deprived as well. We both agree on days that we would rather sleep or have sex. And I don't feel pressured when I'm tired, b/c there are days when he's too tired.
I think one important thing is that we tell each other "I want to have sex...but I'm too tired" We laugh it off and it isn't a big deal. We don't get into bed with one of us expecting sex.
I think when you don't express the fact that you are too tired, not in the mood, etc, one of you will get into bed expecting or anticipating sex. You husband may be laying over there thinking he's about the get lucky and working himself up mentally, while you are laying there dozing already. So then your husband will get upset b/c he's mentally worked up into having sex and you're asleep.
I think communication and letting the other person know what the sexual situation is or isn't before getting to the bedroom is important.
I also make jokes about how long it's been since last time or wondering if we'll ever have sex again to lighten the mood of the subject.
Although I'm not interested in sex, I know my husband has needs that I want to meet for him. Even if I'm not interested or tired, I find that a quick BJ doesn't take much time and usually keeps him very satisfied. I feel that giving him a BJ is more intimate and sexual than intercourse and means a lot more to him because I'm willing to look out for his needs and desires.
I have a questio. I am Bipolar and want to have se everyday sometims two or three times a day Im 59 yrs old and my boyrend is 58. I am drivig hm crazy and I don't kow what to do!! I am on Deokote er ad traadone any suggestions?
Anonymous 7:30 --
To ask specific questions, please visit Dr. Weston's message board.
Thank you.
i think women loose intrest after 40
she never had sex since last 10 to 12 year not even one time.i do not understand how the cycle works
I have a 4 year old, 2 year old and a breastfed 3 month old. I work two jobs and my house looks like a hurricane came through. Sex is the last thing on my mind. I crave sleep!!! My husband kept asking me if I still loved him... until he saw a program (about sex) on TV that gave the info about prolactin reducing sexual desire. He has been so much more understanding since then. He didn't believe that I had a chemical reason!!!
Women after forty don't like sex because they are more dry and their hormones are telling their brain they are not interested. To me sex is a very special event. If you have a wife over 40, you need to let her know how special she is and how beautiful she really is now! You can have great sex with your after 40 wife or lover if you just try a little patience, and drive that thought home in any way possible!!!
There might be another solution. Why not let the partnership have more than two involved. We are meant to live in groups, but for different reasons we are not allowed to have sex with more than one. Get rid of the fears and invite another partner (not temporary) to the one that needs more sex than the other in the relation, and let the family grow with adults as well as children.
It takes honesty and trust. And they say, "it takes a tribe to raise a child", well create a tribe, that includes sex and intimancy, and the world will change. No more worn out parents, neither men nor women.
My Wife at present in her early thirties is totally not intrested in any kind of sex.
She was normal and after her first child she had to take lots of antibiotics for her brest problem.
I would be greatful if some one can tell me how to induce atleast some sex feeling in her through natural ways
an interesting article is posted on Breast Implants USA titled
Women's Self-Image and Sexual Satisfaction Increase After Cosmetic Surgery
Body image and sexual pleasure, including orgasm, enhanced after aesthetic makeovers
Press Release
http://www.breastimplantsusa.com/articles.php?art=49
I had a problem on my first date with this girl I met, well we sort of learned about each other. One weekend, I was dating and the girl I dating was in a heat of passion. Because I my stress in job plus trying to dealing elderly members of my family, I guess I could not even get an erection. I know now that I need to relax and let the feeling of sex take over.
I know it sounds trite at best, but living as a "modern Walton Family" as we like to call it has cuased some strain on our marriage, but if you are creative and open, you can make things happen. My hubby works 2nd and 3rd shift most nights, while I work 1st, my mother lives in an apartment we built in our 3 story farmhouse (withpaperthin walls), I have a screwy schedule so I can often afford to sleep then awake to meet him at door, we often act like teen agers, sneaking to the barn, car etc. It has done wonders and that is how baby no. 5 came to be, all it takes is creativeness
I know it sounds trite at best, but living as a "modern Walton Family" as we like to call it has cuased some strain on our marriage, but if you are creative and open, you can make things happen. My hubby works 2nd and 3rd shift most nights, while I work 1st, my mother lives in an apartment we built in our 3 story farmhouse (withpaperthin walls), I have a screwy schedule so I can often afford to sleep then awake to meet him at door, we often act like teen agers, sneaking to the barn, car etc. It has done wonders and that is how baby no. 5 came to be, all it takes is creativeness
by the time you give them 1, 2, or 3 children, husbands treat you like you are a piece of stationary furniture that doesn't require quality time, so who cares to have sex with them.....
I'm a stay at home mother of one who is almost three yrs old, who is a co-sleeper with us... and we are trying to working on having our second child. I want alot of sex and all my husband want's is BJ and can't stand to give him a BJ because it makes me sick all the time.. So want can I do please help???????????
What if your problem isn't psychological but physical - as in - you had an extensive midline tear that you feel was sewn up incorrectly? I can't seem to convince my midwives that my anatomy is NOT NORMAL for me. They keep saying, "oh, it's because he was such a large baby (9lbs., 13 oz)" or "pregnancy causes labial changes" or, "well, you are older now, you'll just have to get used to it". I'm only 28 and I know that my perineum is not properly aligned or sewn extensively enough - I'm even lopsided where I wasn't before! I've lost vaginal sensation and the ability to have an orgasm. WHAT CAN I DO? WHERE DO I GO? HELP!!
p.s. I am on WA State Medicaid, so I don't know if this limits my options or not.
I have 3 children a 4yr 2yr and an 11 month old its hard to have a little mommy and daddy time most of the time i blame my self for not taking time for us but at the end of the day i've had it he comes home from work when the kids are sleeping we are not having anymore children i need a little help with my marriage ps helppppppp
I have 3 children a 4yr 2yr and an 11 month old its hard to have a little mommy and daddy time most of the time i blame my self for not taking time for us but at the end of the day i've had it he comes home from work when the kids are sleeping we are not having anymore children i need a little help with my marriage ps helppppppp
Sex was never the basis of our relationship, but was OK. After 3 kids (7, 5, and 2 yrs. old) my 40 yr. old wife doesn't want to have sex more than once every 6 mos. or so. I think I have a normal sex drive for a 40 yr. old, and am at the end of my rope. What can we do? I have tons of resentment and frustration, and don't know what to do.
To those of you looking for feedback about your own situation, please post on our Sexual Issues: Member to Member message board.
maybe men should just feel lucky to have two hands and lotion sold at every corner store. tell him to take a longer shower, soap works too.MOMS NEED SLEEP NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT SEX!!!!!!
I'm 42 and my husband and my sex life has almost come to a complete HALT. We have 3 kids [all boys], ages 13, 9 and almost 2. We both work full time jobs. Getting in bed at night to me now means SLEEP so we both end up reading a magazine for a few minutes in bed and then conking out. What's more, I am COMPLETELY afraid of getting pregnant again [I was just pregnant again 2 months ago and had a miscarriage.] I can't take the pill, and I want him to get a vasectomy but he won't do it. UGH!!! Anyway, I digress. I still like and want sex, I think he does too, but we're either too tired or I'm freaked out about getting pregnant again. I fear he will start to look elsewhere.
To all you women who say MOMS NEED SLEEP NOT SEX are just selfish women, all this talk about him having two hands to satisfy himself is just gonna make him take one hand and wrap it around his new younger pleasing woman and the other hand to open the door out of your house and your marriage and life. There definetly needs to be a balance in your marriage and not put all your focus on your children, and especially not to use them as an excuse.
P.S. if you are missing your bottle of lotion he is probably rubbing it up on his new girl!!!
YOU ARE DEFINETLY NOT SPEAKING ABOUT THIS "MOM" CAUSE I LOVE ME SOME SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX AND THEN SOME SLEEP AFTERWARDS!!!!!!!!
I am finding that as I move through my forties (44 now) my sex drive has gone through the roof and my husband cannot keep up with me. This is typical for most women, as I learned from a professional counselor. You have to make a choice to WANT sex if you are a young mother with children. It all begins in the head. Now , if you are low in hormones, then there could be a legitimate physical problem, other than just being too tired. Get your hormones tested (blood or saliva testing) and see if this is a problem. Then look into NATURAL hormone replacement, not the chemical ones.
Well.. I don't know if this helps or not, but my wife and I have always been close. We have 3 children 7,4,2
Throughout much of our 17 years of marriage, I felt the need for much more sex than her.
As I entered my 40's, I became more interested in her pleasure than my own.
I bought her a dual action vibrator, which almost knocked her over. She was shocked!!
I also worked hard at making her feel special, and focused on her.
It has been about 8 months since working to spice up our sex lives, and my very conservative wife has really come into her own..
Our sex lives are better than when we were in our 20's..
I even got a prescription for viagra, which was a pleasant surprise for both of us.
She really enjoys sex now, and although not mirraculous, we manage to have sex at least 2 or 3 times a week, and we both look forward to it.
My advice is to step out, and try something new.. Remember it is all in the delivery..
Good Luck..
i am a mother of three. i have a 7 year old, a 4 year old and a 2 month old. i had a baby on august 10th 2007 and had a ceasearn section. my love life after having kids is not what it used to be. i am not ready to have sex and my partner still finds me attractive and beautiful. i am not ready and my partner wants sex and is very impatien. i am now afraid to have sex after my third cesearn section, also having problems during and after the c-section. what can i do to feel again?
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MY HUSBAND IS A HOTTY. MAKES ME HAPPY SEXUALLY AND I LOVE HIM. BUT IF IT WAS UP TO HIM HE'D TAKE A BJ FROM ME 24/7, AND SEX OCASSIONALLY IN BETWEEN. WOMEN ARE NOT MAKING EXCUSES. ITS VERY DIFFICULT TO GO FROM MOMMY MODE TO SEX GODESS ESPECIALLY WHEN EXHAUSTED.
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