Valentine's Day, Romance, and Love
Valentine's Day is like pornography. It can be fun. It can be arousing. But it's not real. It's a made up holiday that cashes in on the institution of marriage and on the cultural imperative to love.
I actually wish that Valentine's Day fell on a different date. Besides the fact that where I live it is seldom pleasant weather on February 14th, it is also is tightly bracketed by both my birthday and my husband's birthday. So, we have found ourselves sometimes inserting our celebration of Valentine's Day with surgical swiftness the last few years of our ten years of marriage -- particularly since the arrival of our two children.
Before the kids, it was easy to go on weekly weekend dates. But with young children, it's a different schedule. As we left for our dinner-and-movie date (to "Brokeback Mountain," yes, nearly all our dates can be work expenses) to celebrate my birthday, my three-year old cried bitterly when I did not get out of the car in the garage and come back to give him yet one more good-bye hug. Though I knew he was in great hands, I called twice to make sure that he had stopped crying (the first time, he hadn't) before I could truly settle into our "date."
Am I up for another "romantic" date a week later? I don't think so. I think that it will be a family dinner at our kitchen table with cards being swapped around the table covering all the permutations of twos possible: From Kids to Dad. From Grandmas to Kids. From Daughter-in-Law to Mother-in-Law etc., etc... And, oh yes, from Wife to Husband and from Husband to Wife.
There's a world of difference between the self-oriented times my husband and I shared when we were courting and the times we share now as dedicated parents of very energetic three and six-year old boys. We find our true love expressed in the every day problem solving that goes on in our household and the respect that continues to develop between us as we face the challenges that our lives have brought us. Right now those days feel like the "real" days of love to me.
Related Topics: Newlyweds' 5 Biggest Pitfalls, WebMD Video: Sexy Makeup Secrets for a Glam V-Day Look
I actually wish that Valentine's Day fell on a different date. Besides the fact that where I live it is seldom pleasant weather on February 14th, it is also is tightly bracketed by both my birthday and my husband's birthday. So, we have found ourselves sometimes inserting our celebration of Valentine's Day with surgical swiftness the last few years of our ten years of marriage -- particularly since the arrival of our two children.
Before the kids, it was easy to go on weekly weekend dates. But with young children, it's a different schedule. As we left for our dinner-and-movie date (to "Brokeback Mountain," yes, nearly all our dates can be work expenses) to celebrate my birthday, my three-year old cried bitterly when I did not get out of the car in the garage and come back to give him yet one more good-bye hug. Though I knew he was in great hands, I called twice to make sure that he had stopped crying (the first time, he hadn't) before I could truly settle into our "date."
Am I up for another "romantic" date a week later? I don't think so. I think that it will be a family dinner at our kitchen table with cards being swapped around the table covering all the permutations of twos possible: From Kids to Dad. From Grandmas to Kids. From Daughter-in-Law to Mother-in-Law etc., etc... And, oh yes, from Wife to Husband and from Husband to Wife.
There's a world of difference between the self-oriented times my husband and I shared when we were courting and the times we share now as dedicated parents of very energetic three and six-year old boys. We find our true love expressed in the every day problem solving that goes on in our household and the respect that continues to develop between us as we face the challenges that our lives have brought us. Right now those days feel like the "real" days of love to me.
Related Topics: Newlyweds' 5 Biggest Pitfalls, WebMD Video: Sexy Makeup Secrets for a Glam V-Day Look
7 Comments:
It's sad to say but most of our feelings of romance, respect, love, passion etcc.,are based on what we got from our parents. This is just one reason why relationships failed. "You can only give what you have" It doesn't really matter if you are the beautiful Jennifer, my sexy wealthy ex-boss or the plummber down the street. Were your parents
honest, open and loving with each other? Did they teach you respect
yourself and others? Along with what we got "mom & dad" do you just love being you? Bottom line:
You must feel love to give it.
My neighbors have been married 55 years and have 6 children and I have lost count of the number of grandchildren and just amaze me at the warmth and love that is so obvious between them. They have great quotes like "we had a lot of hard times but never any bad times" and "we got to know each others strenghs and weaknesses and never confused the two" and my favorite " we knew the buttons to push and we never pushed them" But after observing them for many years now and through many difficult situations the reality that we see is that they are a couple of a deep shared faith, a believe that together they can work through anything, a great respect for each other and most of all the greatest sense of humor. Even after all the years they are always warmly kidding with each other and laughing. If laughter is the best medicine it sure has done them well and it shows in their kids and even the grandkids who are so great to be around,just happy and unspoiled. again as someone has already commented what we as parents pass on so determines how we become capable of truly loving others.
After almost 51 ears of marriage we are still in love and still hold hands. My husband still remarks when I have on certain slacks that look cute. I remember seeing my older brother holding his wife's hand and I marvelled at this after almost 20years which seemed a long time to me at the time. I asked my husband if we would be doing that at 20 years. Well we are still holding hands at almost 51. I should have known our love would last when on our honeymoon I became sad when asked about my dad who was dead. My husband for no reason said we needed to go out. I wondered why but went. He stopped at a phone booth, phones were not in motel rooms back then. He went in and called my mother and said to her 'Mom, I have someone I think needs to talk to you.' I treasure that time. Hard times and a lot of serious illness we have lived through and are always thankful we still are together. We have a picture our daughter gave us for our 40something anniversary that has a saying I like so much...'If I could do it over again and start my life anew...Many a thing I'd do different...but I'd do it again with you.'My son was once asked what he remembered about his family growing up. He said with his dad he knew his mom and sister and he came first but not before his father’s God. Our faith is a great factor and probably the foremost in our love for each other. I think that is a great commendation of what made our love and marriage last and grow.
My husband and I have been married for 41 years. I asked him to forget bringing any candy home as we have been trying to be more health conscious. I refrained from eating the candy...went to bed...gave him a 45 minute backrub. He felt bad because I didn't eat any candy. We slipped quietly downstairs and fed each other several pieces of candy. It was sinfully delicious and my healthy eating will start again.
I am so deeply touched to read about the secrets of happy couples who have been married a long time. In this day and age, when divorce is the norm, and it is considered a sign of 'success' to have a different partner for every stage of life, it is so moving to read about love that lasts, like treasures that grow more precious with time.
It would be good if the couples would share how they withstood the temptations of the other sex, when really smashing ones came their way and flirted with them. For therein lies the challenge, doesn't it, to say 'no'? How does one do it?
I ask that for a very personal reason. I was once engaged to be married to a man who said, he would sleep with any woman he 'loved', but he would not love me any less for that reason and he would always let the other woman know that he would not leave me. I have no words to describe what it did to me, but I need not mention that relationship didn't last. I didn't consider such a relationship as a basis for a marriage anyway.
But that experience has left a scar that has never healed. I do not believe men are capable of being faithful and I seem to feel attracted to the same kind, who are incapable of being faithful and get carried away by any woman who crosses their path.
I'm a deeply wounded and lonely woman and still long for the kind of relationships mentioned here.
We've been married since 1956,before kids,I'd go to bed and the wife would stay up reading a book after watching television,she wouldn't come to bed until maybe around 11 o'clock,there I'd be wanting sex,waiting,waiting,for her to come to bed,after awhile it would be frustateing,then we had one son,same thing,there was times I wondered if she liked sex,here we are in 2006,she's 70 years old and I'm 68 we both will be older come july 16th and 21st. Still the same ole same ole, one time I got down on her vagina and do believe that was the first time she had a orgasm,she couldn't keep her rear end still,just about like there was a lighted flame under her butt and she had to keep moveing so's not to get one area hotter than the other. Then on down the road,tried it again,but she said I don't think your mouth should be down there, I don't feel either one of us has had good sex,yes I would have my orgasam,but not her, you'd try foreplay and she wouldn't like being fingered to get her excited,tongue her nipples nothing,run your hand up and down her belly gently working toward her vagina,nothing,what do I have a cold female,she was raised in the south,comeing from a religious family, does this have anything to do with anything.Whats a professional comment,we have gone out for dinner or whatever, I use to play in a band when I was younger, took her with me,if a man in some cases is in a bar he's out looking, one night this individual I knew asked my wife to dance,I didn't see anything wrong with this, but he didn't know it was my wife, he went to the bar and brought her back a drink and sat down at the same table,we took our break as we normally did and I went and sat at the table with her, and the individual I knew said gee joe I didn't realize this was your wife and I do believe he was embarrased, and after awhile moved on,I would definately say he wanted to get to know her better, another time,while playing at another establishment, some of the females was dancing with both hands clasped around there danceing partners neck, I figured it was there boyfriend or husband, not knowing them I didn't know,she in turn did the same thing,with her breast up against the danceing partners chest,I thought this to be a stupid move on her part,what a way for a male to think he had a live one,to me this is liveing dangerously,when I would bring it to her attention she would say,well you was here,yeah I was here,also maybe the individual she was danceing with would want to fight because of her, one time that did happen,but not with her,but another female,this guy asked her to dance, he was in the german army I think world war two, he danced with this woman,bought her a drink afterward sat at the same table she was at,then when her husband went and sat down at the table where she was at,along with the german that bought her a drink,a fight almost broke out, he told her if I knew you was married,I wouldn't have bought you a drink, know that signifies to me that he wanted to take her home and have a sexual relationship with her. But the bar tender broke it up and sent this individual packing,this didn't involve my wife but one of the other musicians wife can't blame the guy he didn't know she was married,she should have said something to the german,like I am married, but if you want to buy me a drink okay,my husband plays in the band,he's up there on the stage,that way the german would have known she was married and if he still wanted to buy her a drink so be it,but no strings attached.
another time
Continued,screwed up.
My wife
went to a christmas party sponsered by the cable company she worked for at the holiday inn, now everyone else had gone home except her and one of the ladies that use to be married and was a little older than my wife, my wife stayed and was drinking with this single individual and this married man,I kept waiting for her to come home,finally I went to the holiday inn and said,don't you think it is time you came home,I do believe the daughter is running a fever, and her divorced friend who I knew and went to high school with one of her kids, grabbed my arm and pulled me over and my hand landed between her legs and she never noticed it, I would say she had a few drinks, now the wife I don't know, but I don't think a married woman myself should stay drinking after a party,with two men and a friend,in case of one man being married and the other wasn't. Maybe I'm wrong,but there again I think this is a good way to get into trouble after a few more drinks,the guys rent a motel room,and there we are in the bed. Maybe it's a matter of trust, but when a person is drinking thats a different story, now days this sort of thing happens and they call it date rape. It can be your best friend, when I was younger,they use to say,being polite,that an erection doesn't have a conscience.
Men can only fully love their wife, after he is satisifed with her sexually. Im speaking of more in the beginning of the relationship. I feel that after the bond between them is strengthened, the man becomes more like the woman in that he is just as satisfied with her companionship. The man's sex drive is much stronger than the heirarchy of needs to be loved. It is only after he is sexually satisfied in her, both visually and physically that he is free to contemplate the spiritual aspect of who his female companion is, and how sweet and precious she is to him during other times that they are not engaged sexually. Some examples of thoughts that enter the mans mind after he is satisfied might be: Who is this angel, this beauty, this gentle person beside me, that completes me, that brings joy into my life, and causes me to not feel lonely?
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