Why Doesn't He Want ME?
Are you a woman who is in a committed relationship wondering why your partner seems uninterested in sex? It does happen, and more often than you'd think. Much is made of low sex drive in women, but the same can be true of men.
There are a handful of common reasons why men choose not to be sexual with their readily available and interested sexual partner.
Related Topics: Creativity May Boost Sexual Activity, Spicing Up Your Valentine's Day
There are a handful of common reasons why men choose not to be sexual with their readily available and interested sexual partner.
- They are masturbating instead because it's easier to do. The ease of locating sexually stimulating material has led a number of people away from sex with a partner. The intimacy required to have sex with a partner is too much for some people.
- There is sex occurring with another partner.
- The person has hormonal problems that predispose them away from wanting any kind of sexual expression at all.
- The sex with the partner is unfulfilling. There may be a problem like poor genital hygiene or bad breath. Or it's possible that the sexual interactions are not to the person's liking. Perhaps they want more or better kissing or they're interested in sexual activities that a partner has nixed. Or perhaps the partner does something that conveys something (whether mistaken or accurately) that is a turn-off to the person.
Related Topics: Creativity May Boost Sexual Activity, Spicing Up Your Valentine's Day
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174 Comments:
Wow. Although those are all reasons a man may not be having sex with his partner, they all seem somewhat narrow-mined reasons for a doctor to post. There are a number of medical reasons that there may be decreased interest in sex such as depression, high-blood pressure, medication being taken,etc. Not everyone in this society turns to another partner for sex, other avenues should be explored and open lines of communication should be established between partners first and foremost!
I think these are some great things to think about. We always hear about the depression, high-blood pressure, medication being taken,etc. But you don't really hear more behavioral/social reasons such as mentioned here. humm...
he says he loves you then refuse to touch you I walk up naked to him and he turns away
What can you do when your partner won't talk about why we not having sex? My partner and I have not had sex in over 2 years. We use to have some of the most incredible, passionate, and pleasurable sex and lots of it! The years have taken their tole especially the past 5. We have cared for 3 parents during their last few years of life. It has been stressful no doubt but I can't get my partner to talk about what they are feeling. I have told them that I understand if it is me. I am over weight and I've had severe depression for over 2 years. I don't like to look at myself and the depression makes it very difficult to make changes (exercise, diet, etc). I would like to continue life with my mate of almost 15 years but don't know what else to do to get them to share their feelings. I've also told them I'm going to have make some changes soon with or without them. If they would just share their feelings and thoughts...
Don't know what to think. He has said in the past that he wasn't very turned on by me as i was overweight after having our 2 children in two years. i have recently lost a significant amount of weight and our sex life has become even less. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I want it and want that closeness with him often.
To those of you asking specific questions about a condition or concern, try visiting our Sex Matters®: Louanne Cole Weston, PhD
for more information.
Thank you.
Perhaps its not your fault - maybe you just don't have what he really wants. I spent years trying to 'fix' my marriage. He continued to reject me and refused to talk about it or get professional help, until finally I found out the real reason was that he preferred MEN!!!!
I also had a partner who did not want to have sex with me. Although, we did the petting thing. He did not think that this is sex. He claimed that he was NOT sexually attracted to me. That hurt so deeply, that it ended the relationship. He was the only man that has EVER said that to me. The other men in my life, usually meet me at the door with alot of hardness, already there.
zI dated a man for four years, in the beginning he was sweet, sexy and would respond. Then his mother died and he was another person. No kissing or petting just nothing. He would just shield away when I tried to even kiss him. Then I found out he was going with all kinds of women but he still wanted to be friends and call me and talk to me while he had a younger live-in women living with him plus going with other women on the side. He got tee off when I would not answer his calls & emails. He wanted me there for him when he had no other women around but he was getting his sex and turn on from his other women. Needless to say,I dumped player and his womanizing ways altogether.
Hey ladies when you've gained 30, 40,50 lbs or more it says "I don't care what I look like anymore." If you truely love your man and want to keep him at home lose the weight. I work at keeping my weight near the norm. My wife is always complaining of various aches and pains but seems unwilling to connect those to the fact that she is far above her normal weight.
my partner and i used to have sex 3 times a day, now i'm lucky to get it once a week. we've only been together for 9 months. he says that he needs to keep his guard up because he doesn't want to get hurt. he had 2 former wives cheat and then leave him. now i may know the answer why.
I think saying that just because your not getting it means your signifigant other is cheating is just plane wrong.
Your taking the worst possible scenario and putting it out there like it's 99% true. I agree with the other posters there are a variaty of reasons Stress being a big one. Some women is going to read this and go home and accuse her boyfriend or husband of cheating on her because of this post. You should be ashamed for posting such a narrow viewpoint on this subject
definitely not true about the cheating husband. We lose interest because it just gets boring. The same thing, day in and day out. I love my wife with all of my heart and I'm not cheating on her BUT the sex has gotten very boring, almost like a chore. I will definitely try to make things better though, I don't want her to think I'm with someone else..
I was married twice. My first wife and I had sex at least 3 times a day for years until our first born. and we slowed down to once a day. Then when our second baby was born, it went down to once a month. I stayed around another seven years trying to make our marriage worked but it failed anyway. I would have sex maybe once a week if I insisted or was irritated without getting it, then she would "give in". I used to actually cry before I would fall asleep. I was a State Trooper, told I was very good looking, exercise nut and I never fooled around. One day I found myself on another Law Enforcement job and during the training, I fell in love with someone else and in time I got divorced and I married my second wife. There was not a day in my new life that my wife was not hugging me and telling how much she loved me and vice versa. Our sex life was every night (really every night) for 15 years. We went out together wherever the destination was unless one was unavailable due to employment. The last two years she was diagnozed with cancer and even then she wanted to be sure we had sex. Many times I felt she was not feeling that good but she insisted. She recently passed away. Were soul mates and perhaps not all or even a majority of couples are not soul mates and that may be a huge stumbling block with their sex lives.
Goodness. I'd be interested to know the most common of those reasons you listed. While I agree with you (and some of the others on this blog) that we do hear a lot about the medical reasons for loss of sex drive, the social aspect isn't commonly talked about. That said, as a man, stress seems to be the culprit for me. Seems the older I get the more work weighs on me, the less energy for or interest I have in sex. So when I read your list, I wondered why you put the social reasons first and the medical/other reasons last. And stress wasn't on your list at all. I would guess it's among the "handful" of most common reasons? Obviously I'm not the expert for the area - just the expert for me.
All your responses are why I choose to be single.
I don't suppose you ever considered that it might just be stress? Maybe the person is just tired. Maybe work has been hectic. Maybe they have something they're worried about.
-Gene.
ive been with my bf for almost 2 yrs, living together now over a yr.. at first for months we were intimate daily.. and as time has gone by its one excuse after another, and his actions show me he has no intentions of effort to be intimate like we used to.. his excuses are stress.. he ate too much, he is tired..i am a person who wants that closeness very much, i dotn want sex with anyone else but the man i love.. and i am emotionally dying inside anymore for the lack of... the latest thing he tells me is oral sex doesnt do it for him now.. basically dont offer it .. he said because he would rather make love ..but you tell me what man doesnt want the most intimate action for the woman you love.. but its ok for him to want to do that to me.. i cry alot at night.. especially like tonight..i told him earlier today i want to makae love tonight.. adn asked him if he wanted that as well.. he tells me yes.. and i put on something new ( lingerie ) and didnt say anything.. nothing happened.. it got late.. we went to bed.. 3 min later he is snoring.. i lay there and cry to myself..and here i am.. writing ..how pathetic!
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Thanks for keeping the comments free of profanity.
Men are ridiculous..most anyway.. they cant handle having one woman.. look at half the crap they comment back with.. its boring making love to the same woman you claim to love? ok so.. being with someone else will make it better? or just til it gets boring with them as well right? seems to me that BORING would not be in the picture if people would actually love the person they claim to love and be intimate.. it takes 2 to make it NON boring.. so yeah if all you can do is hop on and hop off.. id be bored as well. men seem to have to cheat..look at porn.. adn think bein with someone else makes it better.. the porn you watch or the porn pics you look at isnt how real life is..and if it was.. most of you men probably couldnt keep up anyway! you whine about stress as well.. life isnt that big of a deal.. sex is a great release as well.. make time with the person you love..making love doesnt take all day or night either ! half these excuses are lame as heck! to the women who feel neglected sexually from the man who claims to love you.. i suggest talking first and asking in a loving way whats going on.. if it seems to be like pulling teeth.. if your mind leads you right off the bat that he is losing interet or cheating.. beleive it t hat he is adn dont put up with livig your life trying to make it better.. it never works.. they just do what t hey want anyway while we make ourselves into fools bending over backwards..and possibly still getting rejected.. theres men out there that actually DO want to be with ONE woman and doesnt lose interest, or come up with lame excuses of why they arent wanting sex over and over again.. so stand up and quit lying down for these idiots.. if they dont see that it hurts, and is making the relationship stressed and seeing its tearing you apart.. they arent worth hanging around for!!
I wish I was married to a woman who wanted me. Last year I asked every week, but we only had sex twice. She is my first, my only, now going on eight years. Your husbands are lucky to have you.
some of the social reasons listed make sense, however if you love your partner you should tell them if they have bad breath or whatever the problem may be. I really enjoy sex with my husband when he wants it, but that is only once a week lately. He claims to be tired and I understand because he does work 10 hour days 6 days a week,yet I still have the need to make love. He is also lazy during sex I basically do all the four-play and hope he will join in but he will just lay there and enjoy it,unless I mention to him that he needs to reciprocate. I feel really cheated by our sexual realtionship. Sometimes I just wonder if its worth continuing the realtionship at all.
I don't know what happened with my husband of 20 yrs, but we had sex frequently while dating then we said our "I do's" and poof, nothing since then. Its basically been a sexless marriage and I'm too embarrassed to talk with my family or doctor for support. I masturbate daily and he hates it, but I NEED IT and do it when he's not around. The past 10 yrs he's slept in another bedroom to keep from having me bug him about sex or hear me masturbate. I want sex so bad that I'm seriously considering having an affair just to feel alive. My husband is older than me and thats part of the problem, but lately I've been wishing for him to die so that I can get back into a real intimate, sexually active life. Sad isn't it. I do love him thats why I haven't left him and divorce seems cruel at his age so I wait patiently for the end to near and go on loving him in spite of no sex.
I don't know where to start ... I have been dating this man off and on for 2 1/2 years. We spent one or two nights together every weekend for the first six months. But then two things happened, I lost my job and had the stress of finding another one and I let "I love you!" slip in a passionate moment. He immediately came up with this excuse that he wanted to cool things down, because he needed to get his financial life in order before getting into a serious relationship. Sex was very hot and I let him know I wanted him. He told me I was the only woman to ever be so turned on by him. We spent time together and but there was never any true emotional intimacy. I have said I love you a few times, and he says it back, but never says it first. Right now my kids are away for the summer and the only date we have had was to go to a party that I was invited to. I miss having a real romance. I am beginning this guy will never get his act together and be able to spend time with me -- he is always complaining about work, finances and this web site he has been developing for the past 5 years. I don't know if I should continue to stick it out and accept that he doesnt have enough time for me right now. But I am sadly wondering if he ever will. He doesn't seem capable of making changes in his life to improve his finances or have more time. I drove to his work and brought his favorite pie thining that would put him in a good mood. All he could say is he had to get home becuase of an early day tomorrow. I drop off very angry. I am not sure what to do next. Just like on article says, you feel like a fool for putting yourself out there and then getting rejected.
Okay, so I too am currently experiencing this kind of dead relationship. I have been seeing my guy for about 3 years now. I probubly should have known form the beginning that there might be sexual problems because he was not very good and knowlegeable about sex. It seemed he must have learned every move from a porno. He was never into kissing or perfoming any alternate sexual things on me. Now he tells me that he doessnt want ot have any other kind of sex (o. sex)! I cant believe it ...a man not wanting that sort of thing done to him! I think it is only because he doesnt want to do it to me. I know his sexual history and understand that he has never been in real commited or long realtionship which.. I believe that explains the bad sex. However, he seems to not want to try anything new, and hates it when I talk dirty or bring-up anything new. I am very experinced with sex. I am also very open and comfortable with trying anything new. He just doest want to do anything new yet tells me it is boring and he is uninterested and not very turned-on. I am totolly fed-up with it all. It is terribly painful to want your boyfreind so much while he could care less about you and your needs. I know what it is like to be in a happy sexual realtionship and I miss it so much. I DONT understand what is going on. What I do know is that my bf was very addicted to watching porn , and used to masterbate regularly to it. At first he wanted the porn on during our sex but I said no to that quick cuz he wouldnt pay attention to me. We broke-up over this and he tells me he will never look at porn again because he knows how bad it hurt me to know he was doing this. He says he wasnt s us to have a better sex life. He says he doesnt know why he is not interseted in sex. I love him but he sucks!!! Like I said I am sick of it. We are going to see a counselor in few weeks. He is supposed to be an expert on sexual difficulties between couples. I hope he can tell me the truth or give him a pill or talk some goddamn sense into him. I am very attractive and so is he. Maybe that is why it bothers me sooo much!?
Just wanted to thank this website for answer my email.. i wrote to ask if you would kindly take my email address post off of here that someone else had posted.. and as i see.. still... its STILL here.. thanks again
well try this one on for size.. be in a relationship for a long time, and from the get go THINK you were having a great sexual relationship with the man you love, which led you on to believe in yourself in that area.. to then be told later on that all you were doing.. wasnt ~ doing it ~ for him.. THEN.. get all messed up in your head emotionally about it, wonder always that what ever it is that DOES happen in your sexual realtionship with the man you love- if that ~ does anything for him ~ OR~ wanted ~ then after you havbev all that going on.. try to feel good about yourself! It doesnt happen. THEN.... try to talk about it and humiliate yourself some more..aslking why your partner doesnt want this or that and basically just wait until its okay with him to initiate anything.. meanwhile be told that even though youre the one wanting to be intimate often, that you are not sexually aproachable!
it doesnt make sense.. but in this story- im seeing the woman feeling like shit, not knowing what to do,feeling like a slut for begging /wanting to be sexual with the man she loves in one hand, to feeling and BEING a non functional sexual woman and day by day, feeling more and more worthless as a complete woman from the great fortune of mixed messages... but somehow shes the blame.
thanks for removing my email - it would have been nice to have recieved and email letting me know that you finally had come around to do so- instead i had to keep coming back here to check up like a babysitter. So feel free to remove this as well if it tickles your ass.
I am a tall, blonde up and commming swimwear model. Now that you've got a picture in your head my bf of two nd a half years refuses to have sex with me. I love him with all my heart, but everynight he's too tired or doesn't feel like it and just pushes me away. I know i have to be understanding as he workes 10-13 hour days but even during time off he still rejects me... Another excuse is his short attention span??? I know he'd never cheat on me but the sex we do have is anything but intimate. three times in the last 9 months. I think it's a fear of getting too serious when we're so young. I love him so so much, but i think enough is enough. I can't take the constant rejection any longer...
I've bee with my boyfriend for just over 3 years and much like a previuos comment my boyfriend isn't always interested in sex either. we have a gret relationship we love and care for eachother we don't fight. we live together. but during the course of our relationship he has looked at porn on my computer. i have asked him not too not because it's porn but because it is on my computer. I don't want virus's or any one tracking my computer activity. but he can't seem to stop no matter how much it upsets me. This last time the thought of leaving him crossed my mind after he blatently lied about it when he knew i had caught him. Is this something i should be worried about?
so no one has ever really responded to anyone elses post. HELP PLEASE SOMEONE.ive been with my boyfriend for a year. i know he loves me but he has never brought up sex..ever. so i did a few months ago. I KNOW hes attracted to me and ive made it CLEAR that i want him. im a virgin, hes not, he had sex with some random girl last summer. i know hes nervous cause we talked about it once and he said remember even if its not good say it is. everytime we have a chance he always has an excuse..no condom..or he just apologizes. tells me he loves me. i dont know what to do. i dont know what hes thinking..is he not ready..does he think im just trying to please him..he he too nervous AND SHOULD I TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT? obviously he wouldnt tell me he doesnt want it so then i would just feel like im forcing it and he would just do it cause he feels he has to. what should i do. HELP PLEASSSSSE.
To the last anonymous at 2:28. You sound young as does your partner. I think that you should realize that it sounds like he is scared of two things: Having sex with someone he cares about, and not being good at it. As a virgin, you donot know what to expect and may not know what you really want from a sexual relationship. Instead of talking to him about when to have sex, maybe you should adress the reasons why he doesn't want to. Just because he is not a virgin doesn't mean that he is always ready and willing to have sex. His experience with the last girl may not have been what he was hoping for. after your relationship develops further of you are able to work past his issues with sex, then maybe you can consider it. You don't want to push him into something when he may not stick around. Don't forgot that a lot of guys don't want to have sex with someone they care about (I know it sounds odd!) a lot of times it is because they respect you more than to hurt you after the sex has happened, especially since you are a virgin. Hope this helps
What a web of confusion. The more I communicate the reasons why I'm not attracted anymore the more offended and depressed my wife becomes. Now she resents me and feels like I'm not attracted to her anymore because she's just older & overweight. I don't think her weight is a problem because I've seen many overweight women that seem attractive to me that I wouldn't be embarrassed to be with. I feel she doesn't do anything to make her appearance appealing anymore. She dresses sloppy, doesn't do her hair, no lipstick or makeup. She doesn't cuddle up to me or try to get fresh with me like she did in her younger years. She has bad breath and bad genital hygiene. She's clean otherwise but this is a turnoff. Being overweight is bad enough but when she puts on a hotpink and white tie died short polyester nightgown with a short robe to match thats cheaply made to indicated to me that she wants sex tonight its a turnoff. I like to kiss and cuddle. I can't kiss because of bad breath. Bad genital hygiene or odor eliminates some foreplay. I'm not interested in wham bam thank you mam. I want foreplay, intimacey, kissing, cuddling, closeness. If I tell her any of this and try to be tactful as I can she becomes a little offended and will correct what ever particular problem I have with her but 6 months down the road her problem returns. Being she has several I can't get to the next problem because the old one comes back. Meanwhile she's still offended. I feel trapped like its never going to get better that I'm stuck supporting someone I don't love anymore who is not willing to try and help make the situation better. If she would try, be sincere by keeping problems corrected and not be vindictive I would be willing to do my best. How can I continue to care if she doesn't.
I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and i am having problems, he doesnt know i feel this way.I love him so much and i think he loves me even though he has never told me. In the past we have both been married, his wife left him and i left my husband,but these did not coincide.After his marriage,he met someone else,and after 5 years she left him for someone else.He was very hurt by this.He has told me that he loved her so so much.The problems are ...he will not have full penetrative sex with me..he uses porno mags and looks at online sex sites..he doesnt snog me..but he does cuddle me in bed.When we do sexual stuff it is extended foreplay but with an orgasm at the end.His penis sometimes becomes soft as well during anything we do.I've also found that quite often the foreplay is one sided for his pleasure only.He likes his own independant life which i think is all part of him putting up more intimacy barriers.It's almost like i'm not allowed to enter his own private life away from me.This has been going on for over 2 yrs,and i cry almost everyday.I'm frightened to even tell him how i feel.My heart feels bereft,and i desperately NEED to bond with him by making love,and get closer..but it's just not happening.The stuff we do is never loving..only dirty..it's almost mechanical in feeling.I realise he has intimacy issues,but is the lack of full sex mental?I believe he had this no sex problem before i came on the scene,because i found an unposted letter to his ex..which stated that his girlfriend of 5 months left him because he wouldn't make love..he followed with...boohoo..as though his 5 yr ex knew all about his problem. This upsets me..she knew..i think...and he won't communicate with me at all...about many things,never mind the sex problem.Can any one help me with some good advice...i don't want to be without him..i'm 32,and have never felt this kind of love...HELP!
Okay, so I am getting back to this post after a few months. I was the one who had been with my guy for about 3 years. He used to be addicted to porn. He never initiates sex. He never is really aroused during sex and always has excuses about everything from "the sex would be better if I ...", to "I have no idea why I can't get turned-on", to "i'm tired". He doesnt spend anytime on foreplay, and has no patience for sex lasting longer than 10 min. He and I do not have oral sex. Well, actually occasionally I will give it to him but he never ever intitates it on me anymore. He used to but must have realized that if he asks for it then I will ask too...and he must not wwhat to do it. Understand I am beyond asking WHY anymore because he always comes up with some reason. It used to be that the excuses were about my body like I was not atractive in some way to him. He actually used to say cruel things...now he has told me these were all untrue. The excuses are still here they are just not so mean anymore. The current reason why he is never hard, and why we only have sex for like 5-10 min at most is because...are you ready..."the condom hurts/ is too small for him and is uncomfortable and he cant feel anything". We are just begining counseling now. I hope it works. So far nothing has changed and we are not focused on talking about our sexual issues only about our fights? I guess this ties into our bad sex? What about great make up sex? Not with my boyfreind. I firmly believe in porn addiction!!! My bf admitted in counseling that although he does not look at porn anymore nor masterbates that he knows it has done something to him permanantly. He says he finds me attractive but that it is no use...he cant get aroused and into it. So whats up doc? I am so certain that my sexualtiy is healthy and fun. He is messed up! I am not sure if anything will get better. I will let you all know what happens. As far as commenting on your posts...to the girl who is the blonde swimsuit model...I feel for you hun! Sounds like you and I are very similar. i think i said before that I too am attractive...but I am comming to realize that I dont do it for him. Maybe no one woman can? I never had a problem with porn , and used to enjoy it, untill NOW. NOW I hate anything that I see that is oversexualized! Tell him to stop and make certain that he does for a awhile then go see a therapist or print off some stuff on porn addiction for him to read so that he finally gets it.
I don't understand? I love my guy so much...the last time we made love was over a year ago...aside from the oral sex I literally forced upon him to try and urge him into the mood...oral sex he actually fell asleep during on 2 occassions...there are no words for the loss felt by his rejection...we have a son, and I won't remove him from his father, still how does one live successfully in a sexless relationship? I have tried everything, nothing works...I truly just don't understand why he won't touch me anymore
I am in a very ideal relationship now jsut over a year, and we practically live together. I thought my situation is extraordinary - until I found this website. My Man is everything woman can ask for : loving, sweet, generous, down to earth, funny, big heart, good looking, financially stable - except on 2 counts: He is NOW obese, 50 lbs overweight and had compeltely lot interest in sex. I felt totally rejected and unloved - but what he does for me and with me are all signs of affection. He told me that Love was not enough for me and that I shold look for someone else, but I am not giving up - he took the initiative to take testosterone supplement and started exercising. Truth is, this is a denial of a problem that may be deeply rooted that is not even within the context of our relationship - trauma, for instance. Just the same, I am looking into the possibility of him being an internet sex addict - as I can see him advertising himself on all dating personals. Rather than confronting him, I am giving ourselves the chance to work things out and resolve these temporary problems. Only time will tell, and only oursleves will know when It is "time." What really matters is how long we are able to sustain what is important. Releasing this feeling in writing knowing that there are hundreds of cases like mine is helpful enough. I'd still ask him to take Viagra and I'd BJ him anytime. When he gets in the mood, he is fine.
• I know what you mean, m husband sneaks around to watch porn. I told my him that I would rather have a open library of Porn, I just could not handle the sneaking part, I continue to find albums of Porn, I knew nothing about. It is like he has to be sneaky about it. He also lies about it constantly. We have not had sex in 5 months, I sm an attractive person and very sexual and I do not understand why this is going on. I also discovered he had been talking constantly on chatlines and getting rub downs,when he is out of town. He claims (because he got caught) that he is not doing it anymore and that the reason we do not have a sex life is because i am always angry, i am hurt and yes i wake up unhappy because he sleeps on the opposite side of the bed or in the other room. so yes it is destoying my marriage too.
Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I am in my 60s and have been in a relationbship for four months with a man my age. He tells his friends and family that I am the woman of his dreams. But after the firsrt month, he began refusing to slet me sleep at his house or he at mine. Now he refuses to touch me under any circumstnaces but indicates to others that we are a couple. My heart is broken, as we otherwise have so much in common and his family (siblings and his children) and my children and my grandchildren adore him and support our relationship. When I try to talk to him about the lack of physical intimacy and the impact of me, he says that we are "just friends." This is making me c-r-a-z-y because he intitiates contact continuoulsy and in all likelihhood if he did not contact me first for each occasion we are together, I would not contact him at all!
Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I am in my 60s and have been in a relationbship for four months with a man my age. He tells his friends and family that I am the woman of his dreams. But after the firsrt month, he began refusing to slet me sleep at his house or he at mine. Now he refuses to touch me under any circumstnaces but indicates to others that we are a couple. My heart is broken, as we otherwise have so much in common and his family (siblings and his children) and my children and my grandchildren adore him and support our relationship. When I try to talk to him about the lack of physical intimacy and the impact of me, he says that we are "just friends." This is making me c-r-a-z-y because he intitiates contact continuoulsy and in all likelihhood if he did not contact me first for each occasion we are together, I would not contact him at all!
I been with my loving boyfriend now for about 2yrs, 3 months and about 3 weeks now and we use to have the BEST LOVE MAKING...now its been 3 months since I last had sex with him. I ask him if he has ever jerked off since the last time we did it and he looked into my eyes and said flat out "NO".. I however believed and didnt believe it. I wouldnt have a problem with it if I myself masterbated but I dont know how.. nor do I see the need for it if I have a partner.. in the end I caught him jerking off and I also suspect that he's cheating on me and not sexually attractive to me. Which hurts cause I did have two misscarrige's while I've been with him. He blames me for having the misscarriages and that's one of the reasons as to why he dont want to touch me anymore. He doesnt want to go through the pain again. What should I do?? I'm depressed and thinking of sucid not only did I lose my kids but my man too? Why?
I can't tell you all how much your posts have helped me. I have been struggling to make a decision wether or not to leave my boyfriend of seven years because of the lack of sex. I have found porn on the computer several times. He gets angry when I bring the subject up and always has excuses for why he doesn't approach me. Reading every one elses posts helped me realize that I really do need to get out of here. Its so damaging and neglectful to be rejected for years on end. None of you deserve to feel unattractive or crazy, and I don't either. Good luck to all, and thanks again.
Actually, I'm not afraid of my husband looking @ porno, what I am afraid of is that he lies about it and doesn't know that I know he masterbates to it. You see, when I started feeling the effects of his non-interest, I left my webcam onto remote monitoring. He doesn't know a thing. I'm watching what he does every minute, without him knowing. For now, he thinks I'm just the little nice wifee who doesn't know a thing. As a result, I've started wondering why the wives are alway griping about this kind of behavior when we should be looking for our own compulsions/obsessions. If it starts to get bad enough, I'll find someone else who will give me what I want, and if the little hubbee gets angry, I'll show him the pics to beat off to.
To continue... I just feel turn about is fair play for such deception. I just act like nothing is going on, and am able to drag things out of him without him really knowing. Wonder though, why men are mostly the one's with such obsessions. I know many women whose husbands drink, gamble, take drugs to the point of messing up their relationships and lives of others. I've been trying to understand why so many men and not women want to lead these secretive lives. Some that obviously distructive and deviant.
What I see is lost trust. My wife and I have had dry peroids but it comes back. We dont bust on eachother about it. I dont lie to her, she doesnt lie to me, and we do well. Its death to try to bushwack and lay blame. If he is looking at porn , maybe he isnt seeing anything stimulating at home and he is at least not out banging some girl from bar. We guys dont just spontaniously burst into song at the mere sight of what USE to be a cute chick in the bedroom. 50 pounds is a clear sign, she no longers cares how I feel. Toss the Carbs, lose the fat and start taking some responsibilty for your own sexuality. Cute will lose out to stink, take bath, and get some mouth wash. If your over fifty look at some hair maintenance. See@ Helen E Fishers page.
Your mother lied when she said we come crawling like dogs and we can be controlled this way. Nope, you control, we are packing up for Iceland. So many guys married in Vietnam because those girls behavied like women not like a banker. They made a significant impression by being submissive. You yell at me because I am not doing what you want,, I am headed for greener pastures. So if he is holding hands with himself, hes not gone yet. You show him the girl he fell in love with and he will come back up the steps. Rule One, a man falls in love with a woman that makes him feel good about himself and screaming you aint doin me some face is a ticket to another town.
Bye
I will say a few about "She is unapproachable" we " the Guys " if we love you we try to be considerate. If baby is having a bad day and is grouchy we will backoff thinking you need a moment to unwind, then when you dont we figure tomorrow is another day, but our boys sometimes have a mind of their own and before our instincts start aiming us at the secretary, we might shake hands with the unemployed. BEATS, being caught getting pizza deliveries while we are on the phone.. :)
Its our little way of being patient
he could also be tired from work, stress or just not in the mood, funny how when men don't want sex they must be cheating.
my husband works a lot and gets very tired, times like this he doesn't want to have sex because he can't do it, yet when he's not tired there's nothing that can stop him.
Mine is more of why don't I want him? Been married almost three decades. Had problems on and off with sex but there were times when it was very good. Have not had sex for over two years now. Why? Had a really bad fight once about finances and he said something I don't want to say here but it really hurt. Since then we have our good times and bad, we go away on vacations together, spend other time together but the bed is only for sleeping! I dream about sex, usually not with my husband but I don't think I completely want it out of my life-but don't know what to do about getting it back! What's sad too is that there are people who know us and look up to us for being married so long but you wonder what would happen if they knew the truth about what our marriage was really like. Also, to these men who complain about woman being overweight-I am overweight too but I see the way some men look at me and I know I am not that unattractive just because I am overweight! I do keep myself clean, I do wear make up when I leave the house, I do keep my hair nice too!
I cry as I write -- I am so sexually frustrated. During the day he is always huggy-kissy and lovable -- but at night he wants nothing to do with me. He has to make sure the dogs are up on the bed and when he cuddles with the dogs, he is happy. When I see he took a Cialis, I get so excited because I'm thinking he is going to make love to me tonight, but nothing. I don't get it. Why take the Cialis?? Before we lived together, sex was GREAT -- he was adventurous and exciting. Now -- that we live together NOTHING!!!! I'm tired of talking about it with him. I don't buy it when I hear a person had a long day at work or they're stressed out. BULLSHIT!!! Nothing makes me feel better if I had a bad day or under a lot of stress or pressure then to have my man put his arms around me, hold me tight, kiss me passionately and make love to me. I don't even know what a real kiss is anymore. Frustrated??? You bet!!
Quite honestly, I have mixed emotions about my situation after reading a lot of these postings. Me and my fiance, (getting married in less than 4 weeks) have been together for over a year now and sex has never been real exciting, but I guess you could say it was satisfying. However, he is the most attentive man I have ever been with in every other way though. He calls me over 20x a day, just to say hi and tells me everything I want to hear. That he loves me and I am his best friend and that I am beautiful. We are both overweight yet attractive people. He is actually much more overweight than me. He works 60+ hours a week and drives a tanker. I know his job is stressful along with tiring with the amount of hours he works. At night, it is very rare for us to have sex. He says nite time for him is not his time because he is so tired. In the morning, he is pretty much always up for it. But lately, it's been rare to have sex no matter what time of the day. I honestly think it may have something to do with the fact that now we live together. He sees all my beauty secrets (and not so beautiful). I dunno, I think us women tend to let ourselves go after a certain amount of time together. It's time to face the facts and see not only the problem, but a possible solution may be to just simply take the time to keep ourselves maintained, smelling like a woman should and stop the whining. Nagging a #1 turnoff to men. We do it though-admit it! Ok, I'm going to take my own advice and go back to being the woman he met. I always took care of myself. But since we moved in together, I don't as much. I'll let you all know the results if you are interested, think of this as a science experiment. I love my man and he deserves the woman he met and fell in love with.
i do modelling, i am stunning, we have been together 2 years! i buy sexy underwear, cook us romantic suppers and get waxes done! yes we have good sex about once a week, but when i try suggest it during the week he says i am sex obsesed, because i suggest it! it make me feel un wanted!
We were quite close to the decision to divorce when I made the last attempt to improve something. I had bought him Extagen (pills to increase man's desire) and asked him to take it. He refused three months. Then I had found a way to persuade him to do it. And... That was the solution. We returned our sex relationships and our family. Soul depends on body.
I am a young attractive woman, I have no problems with hygiene or overweight. I just got married 5 months ago, sex with my husband was good before married but not frequent because we lived very far from each other, (so I didn't think much of it), not we are married and lived together and he is always sweet and cuddly and kisses me and tells me that he loves me often. But we only have sex once or twice a week, this really makes me so depressed, I cry I am irritable, and I think that I may have made a mistake, I know that many people have said that they have less sex then me, but I feel that I need a lot more, we are just married and have been together for just over a year all together! I don't think this is normal.
I don't know what is wrong I have talked to him about it, and he got really offended and then after he calmed down he did said that he would try, so he did for about a week (when we had 4 times sex)... but as the time when it all when back to once or maybe twice a week! I am starting to think that he can be gay?!! Other thing is that my husband does have a small penis,which doesn't bother me at all, but could this be the reason of his low sex drive??? PLEASE HELP !!! I don't know what to do.
I'm 49 years old had a hysterectomy 3 years ago I've been married for 25 years And am very sexy and my sex drive have increased but my husband has no interest what so ever If I don't ask him or raise hell we would never be intimate at all Im'm still fine and pretty help?
For me not desiring sex is in relation to medical problems & medicatons I have been taking for pain management.
Wow, it is iteresting to read the comments here. I am a young woman who is in great shape and I am experiencing a low point of my relationship. We used to have so much passion and wonderful sex! All the time! Now after a few years we are not as active and I wonder why? I run, and do pilates and yoga, and feel that I am in better shape that when he met me. Even though I work out, I still have the curves, and look womanly with the hour glass figure. I am a very curvacious woman so I have to work out to stay fit and trim, but I am still a woman, and not too hard-bodied. But I wonder why my boyfriend doesn't want me? I get a lot of attention at the grocery store or gas station and out in public. Other guys I have dated want sex more than he does, so I can't help but wonder after reading these posts, is he gay or emotionally scarred or something? I don't know, but it hurts me that he doesn't want me more. I don't know what to do.
It is hard when you are a healthy and in shape attractive woman, and your man does not want you as much as you want him. I agree with one of the posts that it makes you feel slutty to always be initiating sex, and sometimes men don't like this. For me personally once a week is just not enough. I would like to hear from the guys as to what would make them lack desire for sex. Is it stress? I know my man is not into porn, or cheating. He does not even masturbate as a lot of men do. I can't help but wonder if that is odd as well? I am in great shape and try to keep good hygene and do everything that would drive a man wild. I have sexy clothing but he never asks to see me wear it. I desire sex more because it makes me feel closer to him, closer than ever. It is something very special. But I also have fun with sex, because if you are willing to be a little "risque" or "naughty", it can be so much fun and so stimulating! I am not one to ever cheat, but it is hard when you have unfullfilled desires and then you start dreaming about sex, and being touched and aroused. I can't help but want that feeling, it is both fun and intimately pleasing. I am with a guy who would never cheat, and I don't want to either, but what the heck do you do with all that pinned up passion? Guys, I would like some comments on this one.
Help!
Maybe this, maybe that. Whatever. I am so sick of feeling rejected. I am 23, attractive, and have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and some change now. He is the first "nice guy" I have dated, and let me tell you, I am missing those "bad boys" a lot on nights like these where I get rejected. I am not fat, I am pretty and curvaceous, and a lot of guys drool over me. I had sex on demand when I was single, and when I was in my last relationship for 5 years, I had sex very, very frequently. I am not used to being turned down for sex, and I do not like it one bit. I just don't get it. All of the "reasons" sound like excuses to me. No matter what goes on in my life, depression, being tired, being stressed, working a lot, blah blah blah, I always want sex with the one I love. It's a way to express love, to feel love, and experience intimacy with the one you love. I don't understand how you wouldn't want that. How I take it is that the person I love does not want me. They are not attracted to me. I am sick of feeling like this. It lowers my self-esteem. It's too infrequent. Rejection from someone you love feels terrible.
Thank you for these posts. I used to think I was missing out not having relationships but now I know I have zero interest.
It's funny that women complain that all men want, think about is sex. Then when they meet one who is not always interested, doesn't place a high amount of importance on sex, women complain still. You ladies really are never satisfied no matter what. So why should we bother? Whatever we do you will always want more. That in and of itself tires us out.
For those that believe the reasons given here are nothing more than "excuses" please seek psychiatric assistance ASAP. Either that or do some googling, go to a library and do some research. Yes. Stress is a BIG factor.
To the last person who posted that sex is a way to express love, that's YOUR side of things. Men have sex because we are horny. Period. That's why we shy away from it too. We don't want the one we love to be just another girl we have sex with. You are special. Different from the others so we treat you differently.
There are MANY reasons why the problems people are having exist. To say it's one thing or another is wrong and it's stereotyping. Not all men have sex with everything that moves. Some only sleep with women they love. Some don't care about it at all. Some just don't want it every day.
The one theme of all these posts is that their relationship hinges on whether her panties come off or not. How pathetic. You claim it's love but it isn't. If all you have is sex, then all you have is lust. How about being friends. Hanging out. Sharing common interests, hobbies. Develop a deep caring for eath other while exploring each other's hearts , minds and goals. Then when sex goes awry you still have a base foundation to rely on.
All you people care about is sex. Stop making it so important when it isn't. Pushing for it won't make it happen. Focus on the other things or realize that you are in lust and not in love.
I have to say I'm extremely offended by your answer to this important question. I came here knowing my partner was not cheating, that my partner loves and respects me but concerned about what all of that meant. You gave no advice in changing it and ended it by saing it really is probably me. Where is his palpability in this? There was nothing about the medical reason, there was a small part about his insecurity but I am leaving here feeling worse about myself. If you are a doctor you should be thorough enough to not just blame me!
I have to say I'm extremely offended by your answer to this important question. I came here knowing my partner was not cheating, that my partner loves and respects me but concerned about what all of that meant. You gave no advice in changing it and ended it by saing it really is probably me. Where is his palpability in this? There was nothing about the medical reason, there was a small part about his insecurity but I am leaving here feeling worse about myself. If you are a doctor you should be thorough enough to not just blame me!
To the Anonymous who posted at 5:42 p.m., you'll find a more in-depth list why he may not want sex here:
Top 10 Reasons Men Don't Want Sex.
We hope this is helpful to you.
OK lets start at the begining my bf and I are 11 yrs apart I will be 22 and he will be 33 in a month. We have been together (living and dating) for 2 and a half years. I am an insecure mess right now. I am mean to him and at times I want to move out.
We recently got a computer and he is constantly downloading porn or becoming a member of imates or whatever the newest dating chat lines. I know he would never cheat on me. But he might as well tho he used to call phone sex lines and date lines. We fought and fought and fought about that. He lies about them which is the worst. He lied to me about going to a strip club he lies to me about money missing in his accounts.
Its has gotten to the point that I want to leave. I love him more than myself, which if you knew me means a lot!
A subject noone has touched .... we had a threesome with a friend of mine a year and a half ago. I thought it would help because it was at the begining of the down fall of sex. But since then it got worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I am bi polar and have been living off meds for 3 years. I have gained weight since we got together but thats because I was just getting off a coke addiction when we met. I need help
To finish the above message... we never were that physical at the begining but we had sex 3- 4 times a week and occassionally a couple times a day. Now its like if I touch him its an annoyance. We have sex maybe once every 2 months just recently we had sex 2 times in one month. I hate that sex feels like a reward and that he holds all the cards. Like even if I am not in the mood I have sex because I never know when the next time it will happen will be.
I feel completly worthless and ridiculously selfish and then I am angry at him for making me feel insecure. Is it time to pack up and leave? Or should I wait it out?
Extagen is a wise solution. My husband had big problems with sex desire and this drug helped him to be sexually active again.
We've not been married even a year yet. My husband is addicted to porn to say the least, and masturbates by himself and never seems interested in me unless I come on to him. We've talked about this and he promises he desires only me and just masturbates so that he can quote "last longer" with me. Even if I were to forgive this behavior, how in the world can I ever believe that I am attractive and desirable to him anymore. Whenever we're intimate, I'm only going to think about him, his porn and his "handy" friend. What is there left to do to make our relationship work again? Is it all lost?
I have been there in all these situations & I was just told i was not attractive anymore less then a year now of getting married.He told me he does not want me here anymore.
My husband and I have been sleeping in separate rooms because of his snoring problem. He compains about me not being there next to him but yet he won't take any steps in correcting his snoring. So am I supposed to lay next to him and get no sleep so he can feel better that I'm next to him? Regardless, we don't go to separate rooms angry at each other. And according to my husband, this is the reason for our next problem. He's been watching porn, always has. But just recently I learned he has been self pleasuring himself instead of coming to me. His excuse is that he doesn't feel loved because we sleep in separate rooms. Is this a good enough reason not to want to have the real deal with his wife? I'd love a man's opinion AND a woman's opinion on this one. If we're not going to bed angry, then why wouldn't he come to me and with actions, show me that he needs/wants me? Is it he was just being lazy? or is there a bigger problem here? Someone please respond, need opinions!
Im glad to see I am not the only women feeling lonely and unloved in a relationship. Tonight I got a bomb droped on me. We have been together off and on for 3 years now and living together for the past year. We are supose to be married in June of this year, not sure now. Sex between us was maybe once a week then it became less and less and less. Friday night I tried being romantic, candles and all, he came to bed laid on top of the covers fully dressed and I well let just say let him know I was interested, he made up and excuse about something he needed to get down for work the next day and was up till well past three. The next night I didnt bother, and he was up till 4:30am. Last night, I went down, put on something sexy and come up to ask him to join me in our bedroom. His response was........well Im really not horny but I could come cuddle for a bit if you want. Well that lead to a conversation and basicly he told me he loves me and doesnt want to be with anyone else but says I have gained weight and hes just not sexualy attracked to me anymore. I have to say, this hurts, how can one love someone and be so insensitive?
My boyfriend says he is 'just not sexual' and it's infuriating to me. I need sex. And deserve it in a relationship. And he gives no reason why he doesn't want it. I"m an attractive, young woman and he says he's attracted to me. We've had sex numerous times in the past and he has no problem getting it up or orgasming. I don't think he's gay although that could be an option. Who knows? I'm breaking up with him. In 10 years I won't be so hot and I'll have missed out on a lot of good sex.
I think every man is different, but then I know I'm not the typical man in any sence. Often times if our relationship is going well, I don't have to have sex, but if our relationship is going well, I do. There are times where I don't want to do anything sexually for about 2 weeks (that includies doing anything to myself). We have been together for 6 years, and married for 1.
Besides the relationship not going well, the other most common reason how come I don't do anything sexual with her is because I want her to kiss on me, and love me, and say she wants to do things with me. I know she sometimes feels the same way. We always talk about our problems, but often times we both forget about eachother, or sometimes can't tell exactly what kind of mood we are in, such as want sex all the time, or sometimes, or none at all. But whenever we talk about our problems we usually cuddle together, and feel great, which usually leads to pleasing each other.
im sure she wants me , but im curious to know why a woman stays so dry during sex. is there some miraculas cure for this, could (I) be doing something wrong?....I mean if we use some lubricants we tend to go and go.....but still i wonder if theres something im not doing for my partner that she is not getting to keep from being so dry.
I think one thing that it would be nice for men to help their women from being dry is foreplay. Although some women may like a little rough and some may like a little softer foreplay. And I think variety of actions always very important, some men keep doing the same thing and the same place over and over again -- it can be quite boring. You need to think about keeping it interesting and be creative.
Everyone like to know that their partner care and paying attention to them. Don't keep watching TV, or trying to read a book when your partner is trying to seduce you. Please show her that you care and you are paying 100% attention to her.