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When Pain Becomes Pleasure
What happens when your partner thrusts deeply or vigorously and causes pain internally that arouses you? It is a tricky question and can be a real concern for your partner, who is probably not expecting for you to be aroused by pain.
Here's a way to think your way through it: If your partner can accept that some people can be aroused due to specific kinds of pain, that would be a positive sign.
If he thinks that it's "crazy," then you have a more difficult row to hoe. In that case, I would simply leave it at this: "I like it when you thrust deep and firmly, it feels really good to me and excites me."
If he is a very gentle man or particularly sensitive, he may have difficulty causing you pain -- particularly if he cannot wrap his mind around the idea that pain could cause pleasure.
Why does pain create a pleasurable response? If you are the victim of sexual assault, it's possible that your assaults are linked to this. Sometimes people unconsciously do their best to make lemonade out of lemons. They attach sexual arousal to circumstances that have been difficult for them.
I once had a client who was very brutally treated by his parents as a child. He had several choices as a child: Run away from home, try to kill himself, try to kill his parents, go crazy, or eroticize physical pain and humiliation. He chose the last option (unconsciously, of course). He really desired physical pain of many sorts and/or humiliation to be orgasmic.
The problem was he did not disclose this to the woman he married before they married. He kept his sex with her of the "vanilla" nature. After about two years of marriage, he revealed his true preferences to her.
The difficulty was that she had been sexually exploited as a child by her stepfather. She wanted nothing to do with the dynamic of humiliation, force or pain -- in either direction. You can see the difficulty inherent in this situation.
You may have a partner who is complying with your sexual wishes without understanding the full nature of what is occurring. It's tempting to suggest full disclosure to him, but I would ask just how many couples really know why the sexual behaviors they share arouse their partner?
Test the waters with a general question, such as this. "I was reading about this the other day: What do you think about people who say that they sometimes get sexual pleasure from certain kinds of pain?" You'll probably get a pretty good indication of what to do next.
Related Topics: Heat Up Your Relationship This Summer, Good Food For Better Sex?
Technorati Tags: Sex Matters, sexual communication,
Here's a way to think your way through it: If your partner can accept that some people can be aroused due to specific kinds of pain, that would be a positive sign.
If he thinks that it's "crazy," then you have a more difficult row to hoe. In that case, I would simply leave it at this: "I like it when you thrust deep and firmly, it feels really good to me and excites me."
If he is a very gentle man or particularly sensitive, he may have difficulty causing you pain -- particularly if he cannot wrap his mind around the idea that pain could cause pleasure.
Why does pain create a pleasurable response? If you are the victim of sexual assault, it's possible that your assaults are linked to this. Sometimes people unconsciously do their best to make lemonade out of lemons. They attach sexual arousal to circumstances that have been difficult for them.
I once had a client who was very brutally treated by his parents as a child. He had several choices as a child: Run away from home, try to kill himself, try to kill his parents, go crazy, or eroticize physical pain and humiliation. He chose the last option (unconsciously, of course). He really desired physical pain of many sorts and/or humiliation to be orgasmic.
The problem was he did not disclose this to the woman he married before they married. He kept his sex with her of the "vanilla" nature. After about two years of marriage, he revealed his true preferences to her.
The difficulty was that she had been sexually exploited as a child by her stepfather. She wanted nothing to do with the dynamic of humiliation, force or pain -- in either direction. You can see the difficulty inherent in this situation.
You may have a partner who is complying with your sexual wishes without understanding the full nature of what is occurring. It's tempting to suggest full disclosure to him, but I would ask just how many couples really know why the sexual behaviors they share arouse their partner?
Test the waters with a general question, such as this. "I was reading about this the other day: What do you think about people who say that they sometimes get sexual pleasure from certain kinds of pain?" You'll probably get a pretty good indication of what to do next.
Related Topics: Heat Up Your Relationship This Summer, Good Food For Better Sex?
Technorati Tags: Sex Matters, sexual communication,
47 Comments:
I agree with you about hiding the please/pain relationship. My wife of thirty-five years finally told me that she likes her breasts squeezed - hard- when she is close to orgasm. She likes gentle caresses at other times.
She was sexually assaulted at the age of thirteen by a man whose children she was baby sitting and perhaps this is the root of the please/pain relationship for her.
Anyway, I now squeeze - hard - but only when she is close to orgasm.
Paul
I was severely sexually abused and I told my Fiance that I was abused but not how bad I was abused. I like him to be extremely gentle, we haven't had sex together yet and I am scared. Pam
I don't know if it's a good idea to tell your spouse or spouse to be at all if everything is fine between you two because sexual abuse is a deep serious issue that the other person doesn't just ignore in fact it changes how they see you thus changing the relationship. That's why my fiance dumped me when I told him. He couldn't handle it but who can blame him. I barely made it.
Amy, what happened to you was not your fault.
I find certain kinds of pain very erotic. I am always finding implements for my wife to spank me with, and I was never abused in any way.
I think the reason I enjoy my partner to thrust hard and deep is I want all of him, all I can get, and I feel like he is into it when he thrusts hard and to me, his enthusiasm and excitement means he wants me and I turn him on. I am kind of small (genitalia-wise) so it does hurt, but more or less uncomfortable, not terrible pain. He is careful not to hurt me and is gentle, but when we do get wild and into hard thrusting, he will get into it as long as I am into it. One other thing - I love when he bites me, but usually only during sex, as otherwise, I am sensitive. In fact, he can bring me to orgasm much faster is he bites my neck and kisses me deep and hard. I was never abused as a child or adult.
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Its unfortunate, but I also equate sex with pain. I was sexually abused as a kid, and am unable to differentiate sex and pain. I've used pain when I masturbate to achieve orgasm. I've yet to achieve it the loving way. :-(
I love it when my mate squeezes my neck, and comes short of choking me when I am about to have an orgasm. It is intensely errotic. I think he's afraid he will hurt me. The tighter he squeezes, the more intense the feeling.
for me it's less about pain than the feeling that he is in absolute control and I am helpless. pain just serves to intensify that effect (slapping, etc.).
it's nice to read a post that kind of legitimizes this. I hate to tell people that I like that kind of thing, for fear men will get the wrong idea and think that ALL women like it.
for the record, i haven't been sexually assaulted. i don't know what could have happened to trigger this.
I don't think that you have to have a history of abuse for the pain/pleasure sensors to be a bit crosswired. Some people with a high pain tolerance have to go so far before they are in pain taht the line between the two is quite thin.
I was also never sexually abused in any way, but I love when my partner bites or scratches me and I love vigorous, deep thrusting. I am able to feel like I can let go of my control when with a partner like that.
The lines between pain and pleasure should only be crossed when both partners are willing though and it should be something you can talk about - especially for couples who are planning a life together. To lie about your past or your preferences is to start your life together with a lie. If they aren't into it, you can decide if not having that aspect in your sexual life is important to you.
To Amy - whose fiance wasn't able to handle her trauma - it is probably better to know that he would not be able to handle it beforehand than to get married and have it come out later. My observation has been that sexual abuse will out, one way or another, at some point in the victim's life and you deserve a husband who can be there for you when/if you need him.
What an interesting subject.
I have been/am embarrassed at how much stimulation I require in order to acheive orgasm. I always assumed it was because I'm inhibited, grew up learning that sex is a necesary evil in order to have children, and that if I'm "good" I won't like sex.
Now I am wondering if it's because I have a chronic pain condition and have somehow "trained" myself to ignore physical sensations.
(I'm female, 41, married and was never sexually abused as far as I know.)
Interesting. If being desirous of pain to experience pleasure is connected with a history of bad experience(s), it only makes sense that it's not intended that our pleasure come from that route. Just as there some that get pleasure from receiving pain, there are some who get pleasure from giving pain. Pleasure from pain, whether being received or given, is NOT the 'normal' makeup for people. If getting pleasure from pain is 'learned', so too can a person 'learn' to get pleasure from love - which is always NON-VIOLENT. If you go over to your new neighbor tonight and inflict pain or violence on him to welcome him to the neighborhood, do you think he'll want to be your friend? Love will get your further, even if it takes time to learn it.
I am glad that I am not alone on this subject. For so long I thought it was just me. I have just ended a 25 year marriage and the first 15 years was full of physical and emotional abuse. In the last ten years, during sexual intercourse, there had to be pain inflicted in order for me to achieve pleasure. Unfortunately, the damage to the marriage had already been done, and after going through the pain/pleasure part of the relationship all that was left was humiliation. I just hope any future relationship won't require pain in order to receive pleasure.
I was sexually abused at fifteen. While i do not erotise pain I too love deep thrusting which can be a bit painful. I up to now to did not associate that with being raped and thought in was an accepted erotic feeling. I also tend not label people as normal or abnormal as people are socialised different.
I too, like many who have posted comments before me, enjoy sex better with some pain. However, I am also able to enjoy gentle physical experiences as well. Yes, I have been physically abused as a child. But I fail to see how such a trauma could affect one in such a manner.
i was abused as a child by my doctor uncle and many of my close relatives and when i disclose it to my spouse, he accepted, but i cant forget the pain, its a pleasure... howrah
I can't stand any penetration. It's just plain uncomfortable and/or painful. Am I alone in this?
i was never sexually abused, or physically abused at any point in my life. My fiance knows about my need for pain in our sex life and understands, and he indulges me. he doesn't enjoy pain himself.
we've actually enjoyed exploring my desire for pain, used choking, deep bites, scratches, rough treatment. i enjoy using a knife for pleasure also. I know i need to indulge his need afterwards and share cuddles and i love you's. (so he doesn't feel guilty about hurting me)
Although first sexual experience as well as violative sexual experiences shape that which one enjoys sexually more than other factors, just because you have intensified orgasms related to pain mixed with pleasure doesnt mean you have been abused or are wrong and bad. My theroy is.... if it feels good do it, if it feels really good do it often.
For those who dont know, your bodies defense mechanism for physical pain is to release dopamine(the natural opiate). Mixing that with orgasm doesn't make you bad or wrong. Most likely enjoying,without guilt, orgasms intensified in this manner is a sign you are uninhibited and comfortable with yourself and aren't plagued by sexual hangups so common among us Americans.
On the flip side, if you were abused,and need pain in order to experience pleasure, it's high time you recognized what that abuse changed in you then incorporate that in to your life and move forward. It's truly liberating and empowering to look the demon that molestation and rape are in the eye and say F&*k Y*& you cant beat me.
Be proactive about your sexual enjoyment without guilt. Don't let what someone did to you when you were a child or against your will take from you a supreme pleasure in life. Back then you couldn't stop what happened,but here and now.... no one does to you anything you don't allow them to. So own it darn it!!! And enjoy every sexual experience, whether it involves pain or not,from this day forth
And yes, I was abused horribly as a child and adolescent but I sought out the help which showed me how to be healthy in all ways. Since then I have never felt shame about being abused and I now and always will enjoy each and every orgasm guilt free.
I do like the mixture of pain and pleasure. It isn't neccesary for orgasm but is exciting when it happens. I also enjoy soft tenderness, it's all about going with what one inspires in you and what you inspire in them.
hello.I'm 18 years old. I was rape'd from the ages 13-16 by different guys..that i call'd my boyfriends,at the time i didn't know much about rape..i never really understood it until last year i was talking to a friend as i was in deep thought..and ask'd her "what does it mean when you tell a guy you don't want to have sex,but he pushes his way for yer cooter" basically screws you,calls you bad names,tells you he loves you....really confuses you..She told me it was sum kinda Rape. okay so i get that.Well now its like I love sex,I love penatration,I love pain,When i'm horney its like i push on my bladder,and it makes me feel more sexual.Some times when i'm alone-i wish to be rape'd again,i don't enjoy oral..like even though those guys prolly kinda either told the truth or not..i miss the attention.its realy bad.if i keep wishing on these things,it could possible be done again but i could prolly [die]~not a dream.
the last guy that rap'd me when i was 16 held a pistol to muh head and said if i didn't do what he said and want'd he'd kill me.So i did it.he deni's it.He was on Crack and we were only 2gether for 3 months.after i saw that side of him...i basically quit talking to him.He was a very scary person.
I'm very confused with my life.and this is the first time i've ever talk'd to anyone.I've never seen a doctor about this either.i've never been on birth control and i've never been preg.
I have a Triple X chromosomes so i have a 20% chance i can't have children-leaving me withan 80% chance i can.
I'm of course a pretty big mess.I see it as if i'm sick..eventually i'll die.The Lord will take Care of me.
Like many peopl here i enjoy pain with sex.Especially biting,scratching,need penetration,and even sometimes blood.I like giving and reciving pain it makes the orgasms 10 times better.I was never sexually abused as a child that i can remember.But i dont see how a tramatic exsperience can make you like pain with pleasure.It just a preverence you have.And wether u share it with your partner or not is your choice.You should let them know.Maybe they like it too.Dont be afraid to exsperiment.
I had a girl once who was just a friend but when we didn't have dates and drank a little too much we would wind up in bed. When she was close to orgasm she would bite me, usually on the chest somewhere, and it made me go limp really quick. I don't like any kind of pain in bed. I told her this but she couldn't help herself it seemed. Needless to say, we didn't have sex after the third or fourth time. I don't get it. I am soft and gentle. I don't see pain as being a part of sex and never will understand it.
i too like to be biten and choked while having sex with my husband..it makes my orgasms more intense...without somekind of pain i cant orgasm.. my husband says its in my head..but i have not been abused in any form or way...
Amy,
It's not normal to neglect to tell your partner that you were sexually abused- no matter how bad the abuse. The abuse you suffered was in no way your fault, and for your partner to leave because you were abused is absurd! If he could not understand that, you dont need to be with him anyway. I told my partner about the serious abuse I suffered and while he was shocked he completely understood and appreciated me even more because I had the courage to tell him and confront the abuse in my past.
I am a 31yo female who has never been sexually abused, although, Ilike pain mixed with sex...as I like work out pain as well...the worse, the better. In bad, I like to bite and to bitten, I like that person's around my neck and I absolutelly love to be tied up and taken tha way. It took me a while after my marriage ended to discover what I really like...for some reason that sof and gentle touch is not enough to arouse me!! I thought for while that there was something wrong with me since my mom asnd sisters "seem" t be gentle...I on the other hand like everything on the "aggressive" side...from sports to sex. A little bit of pain and control intensifies my orgasms and make them simply umbelievle!
I AM SO GLAD I CAME ACROSS THIS SITE! I WAS FEELING QUITE ALONE ABOUT THE FACT THAT I LOVE PAIN IN SEX.I HAVE A FIANCE WHO HAS TROUBLE EJAGULATING,AND A WHILE BACK WE STARTED TO ARGUE ABOUT IT IN WHICH HE SHOVED HIS MEMBER DOWN MY THROAT AND STARTED EJAGULATING, THEN FORCED ME INTO ANAL INTERCOURSE AND I FOUND THAT I LIKED IT. I ALSO NOW CLIMAX AS LONG AS HE PULLS MY HAIR ROUGHLY, SMACKS ME IN THE FACE CONTINUOUSLY,SPANKS MY BUTTOCKS AS HARD AS HE CAN, AND I ALSO LIKE HIM TO SQUEEZE MY THROAT AS HE THRUST IN ME DEEPLY AND SQUEEZE MY BREAST ROUGHLY. HE REALLY GETS OFF BETTER THAT WAY TOO. I DON'T KNOW IF HE HAD ANY ISSUES IN TERMS OF SEX WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER BUT I HAVE HAD SEVERAL FAILED LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS IN WHICH I GAVE MY ALL PLUS I HAVE BEEN RAPED A FEW TIMES IN MY LIFE UNDER VARIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES I KNOW NEITHER ONE OF US CAN BE CONSIDERED "NORMAL",AND I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT SOME OF THE CONTRIBUTING FACTORS ARE,SO I NEEDED TO BE IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE WITH A SIMULAR HISTORY WHERE I COULD COME OUT OF THE CLOSET AND RELEASE THE GUILT I FEEL ABOUT OUR FETISH.IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOUR OUT THERE. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT
I'm happily married, but I was emotionally abused as a child, some physical violence also, but not that bad. I'm masochistic, but can't handle belts (what my sire hit me with), or verbal humiliation/face slapping(these happened frequently). My husband is sexually dominante, but he worries that my masochism might be an indication of a problem because when I was asked why I'm masochistic I said that it is because if someone is strong enough to dominate me then he is strong enough to protect me. It makes me feel safe.
Aurora
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To the commenter above:
I'm sorry, but I couldn't leave your comment because profanity isn't allowed. If you want to repost it without the objectionable language, feel free.
Thank you!
I was abused too as a child. I currently see a mental health therapist and a physical therapist at the same time. I'm still scared of penetration but after a couple of months of treatment, I have made some really significant progress. I do meditation and visualize getting my pelvic muscles relaxed, I soak in the tub with Epsom salt (2 cups), and take care of myself by eating healthy, dressing up to feel better about myself. I'm not there yet but I know when my mind and my body are ready I will enjoy a healthy sex life
My first experience of an overtly sexual nature was rape, however; I have found that I do not wish to recreate the scenario, but rather enjoy relinquishing control. Often times this induces a painful activity, scratching, biting, spanking, etc. But I enjoy it. My hubby knows about my past and also enjoys this small tokens of taking control. I believe roughness with love and consideration can equate to some very mind blowing sex!
Like lots of people here, I was raped as a teenager and I have no doubt that it influences my sexual preferences and kinks.
I was fifteen when raped- so though
I was a virgin when it happened, I was familiar with sexual feelings and masturbation before I was attacked.
I clearly remember wanting to be used roughly and some very clear masochistic tendencies.
I now identify as a submissive masochist as well as a rape victim.
I think being both makes it harder. Sometimes I think my rape hinders my ability to be fulfilled during sex even though I want it rough.
My current boyfriend is a sadist, but also a decent and compassionate person. So he knows all of the details of my rape, my triggers, and my sensitive times (anniversaries.)
We have "normal" (for us at least) sex, but we still have to be mindful of the fact that I want painful sex, not painful flashbacks.
Good lord sex can be complicated!
Jane
I have gotten into being choked during sex my boyfriend is afraid of choking too hard but I get off on being choked right before orgasm and it is tooooo intense.
I love pain with sex. Actually, I was beginning to wonder if I am the only woman that likes very rough sex. My partner, of course, likes it too. He is almost a sadist but for us it is a game. I like being tied up and spanked. He gets very rough and leaves marks on my body but it isn't a problem for me. I have never been abused! I do, however, think that I am addicted to sex...if that is even possible! For me, sex is not about love but more so about pleasure and I find extreme pleasure in pain.
I'm 19 and I have never been abused. I have just started to have sex within the last year, and much to my amazement, i enjoy a bit of pain with sex. I have no idea how I came to be this way. But what started it all was a bit of hair pulling. I have not gone into some of the more dangerouse aspects of this practice, as my current boyfriend doesent enjoy it. But I like to let go and lose control, I like it when he is agressive. I actually perfer it that way.
me and my boyfriend have rough sex alot. and because of this i bleed from inside. quite a bit infact. it last for a few days and then heals. is it dangerous to my body, now or in the future?
I was not abused as a child either and I have a very high tolerance for pain, not to say that it turns me on, but having a woman that likes pain or is turned on by pain, turns me on more and makes me come quicker. Cant explain my love for pain or a woman that loves pain, its just a turn on.
My husband and I had hard sex a week ago. My breasts are still tender. Will they heal soon? We have never really done this before.
I can totoally relate to some of the comments posted!!! I enjoy a little pain with my sexual encounter!! It seems to excite my married man and in turn excites me!! I think its a feeling of me being a little submissive with this man... he exemplifies security to me and I feel protected with him!1 he loves it also!1
*chuckles* yes your breasts will stop hurting. i usually like soft intercourse but ocasionally i like being shoved agenst the wall and choked and scratched and bitten. i love domination by my husband. in any form. i was mildly abused as a child, but i'm not sure if it's a contributing factor.
what if it's pain AFTER pleasure...as in cramps after deep-thrusting sex? I love it hard and deep, but it does not hurt while it happens; it hurts after the fact. Am I hurting my cervix with this kind of sex?
i am a 40 yo woman - love the combo of pleasure and pain my spouse is very traditional.... not a good mixture for a satisfying sex life... i like to bite and scratch he does not like at all. sex is no longer satisfying ... not even maturbation ............ suggestions?
it all depends on the person and who they're with on wether or not they'll say they like pain during sex... or just pain in a sexual way. i personally LOVE PAIN! my friends call me a masochist. we are open about everything and it turns out there are a few in my group of friends that like pain or like delivering the pain, sadist... i think that'swhat it's called. you know like S&M. the guy i'm in love with is ok with the factthat i get off on pain, and for me it doesn't have to be during sex! i have a really close guy friend that wrestles with me all the time, and he knows my limits. so we'll wrestle/ rough house and i will be put into different uncomfortable positions that would hurt a lot of people, but feels really good to me. he'll even bite, punch, kick, choke, pinch, spank, or twist my body. i love it all! hey and i'm only 17!
This is a really sad article and blog. Many people confuse INTENSITY with INTIMACY. Violence in the guise of sexual play is just that -violence. For example, spanking is hitting and hurting it's not love or anything close. If you need some endorphins released, try something healthy. If you need to be hurt or like to hurt people with whom you are intimate, you have a problem. For the article on WebMD to attempt to normalize this behavior is really irresponsible.
I agree that many of the comments made here are sad. Many of you have expressed confusion as to how a history of trauma or abuse can affect your preference for pain. I suggest one way: people can sometimes try to convince themselves that they enjoyed or wanted the pain they experienced while helpless. Perhaps they do this to feel safer and in control. It keeps you from having to deal with the helplessness and lack of control. I work with trauma victims in therapy and find this to be a factor. The important thing is that re-creating the trauma in a way that you feel in control does not resolve it. The difficult feelings of helplessness and lack of control remain, just buried or denied. True healing comes from facing and working through the original traumatic event. Hope this helps.
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