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Top 10 Reasons Women Don't Want Sex
A common theme that runs through questions on the message boards, comments on the blog and other discussions across the Internet concerns the reasons that women are uninterested in having sex with their partners. In future entries at this blog, I'll be expanding on each of these ten common causes:
Related Topics: A Woman's Guide to Reviving Sex Drive, Guide to Perimenopause
- Use of oral contraceptives. Some women will find that their sexual drive is decreased by the Pill (or any of the other hormonal approaches to birth control -- patch, ring, and shot).
- Use of antidepressants. Not everyone experiences a decrease in sexual desire, but many do.
- Breastfeeding. Prolactin (the hormone that facilitates breastfeeding) decreases sexual interest.
- Lack of sleep. For most women, sleep comes before sex once the relationship has been established.
- Stress. Due to work, financial issues, educational stress, extended family, and other important issues in life. When stress is increased, many women do not see sex as a solution to it.
- Disagreements with one's mate. Any relationship will bring with it the challenges of conflicting feelings and desires. That can play itself out in sex.
- Low levels of free testosterone. While knowing the level of total testosterone in the bloodstream can be helpful, finding out the free testosterone is very essential to discovering the possible physiological causes of low sexual desire.
- High levels of SHBG. A woman with high levels of sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG), may have low sexual interest. This is because it combines with free testosterone (making it "unavailable") and that decreases libido.
- Fear of intimacy. The inability to handle the level of intimacy that sex brings and maintains in a relationship is a very common reason for a decrease in sexual desire for one's partner.
- Body image. Women who view themselves as unattractive to their mate and/or in their own mind's eye.
Related Topics: A Woman's Guide to Reviving Sex Drive, Guide to Perimenopause
1338 Comments:
After being married for 23 1/2 yrs. then divorced and in a relationship for 20 years, what purpose does sex serve other than to please ones self. In some cases mastabating can sometimes be rewarding in itself. In my opinion men have to have sex to prove to themselves that they can still function sexually to make them feel complete. Some men are only interested in their own sexual satisfaction. When a guy goes from one woman to another it can't be because a woman is not pleasing him. He, is lacking something in his own personality and character. He may even feel he needs a woman to impress other people that, "He has something." I know I may sound negative but I've seen this in too many relationships and not just my own.
I wonder if other women feel this way. I don't mean to sound like I am knocking it but truth sometimes speaks through negativity.
I would love to hear what reason number 11 is. Seems you have forgotten that sex is a physical thing between two consenting parties. In too many cases "the parts don't always fit" which generates: "I've got a really bad headache," "I'm too tired," "Haven't you had enough, enough!," or "Let's get some sleep first."
The remedies for such are usually simple and safe. Sex DOES matter!
Isn't it ironic! Oral Contraceptives decrease libido. The condom manufacturers could use that concept when marketing their product, plus they protect you from HIV and STs.
IF A HUSBAND HAS A NORMAL HEALTHY SEXUAL DRIVE AND HIS WIFE DOES NOT FOR ANY OF THE ABOVE 10 REASONS AND REFUSES TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP AND IS UNWILLING TO DISCUSS IT WITH HER HUSBAND, SHE ESSENTIALLY IS DRIVING HER HUSBAND TO SEEK RELEASE ELSEWHERE. SHE CAN'T HAVE HER CAKE AND EAT IT TOO.
Women don't have to have any reason to not want sex. I think it's in their genetic makeup. Oh sure they are perfectly willing before they marry you. Then after soem period of time, they don't feel the need anymore.
what about men who no longer interested in sex? their has to be 10 or a lot more reasons why they dont... other than the fact their gay !!!( no offence anybody ) that will be the next comment
I think a lot of the reason why women become less interested in sex after their relationship is established is because women tend to hold onto hurt feelings from previous arguments and men get over it quicker. With women, sexuality is a mental thing as well as a physical thing. Negativity tends to build up and even though you may have made up after a fight, women still remember the feelings they felt during the fight or words that were said during the fight and it subconciously turns them off towards that person after so many times.
The reason posted above was right on!
For me, I suffer from several of the 10 reasons in the list but I feel like it's actually caused by feelings of resentment toward him for many of the stupid decisons he's made and continues to make that affect us financially. I stress out about money anyway and I just want to whop him in the back of the head everytime he does or says stupid stuff.
The drs did a D&C and gave me CEBV I had no periods for over 2 years after having a child I bleed for over 2 mo so they did a D&C. I am ill all the time and it has been 47 years. The drs dont care. Sex makes me sick realy. But I do it for my hubby. The drs are lousy demonic realy.
My husband only wants to take the time to please himself. He won't spend the 20 to 30 minutes of foreplay I need to become aroused. He thinks it takes too much effort on his part, so he just gets on and goes. Yeah, I'm sick of having sex when I don't get anything out of it. Why should I have to lie there while he's already snoring and masterbate to satisfaction? I think he's just lazy and selfish.
It's not me, because I do everything he wants, (oral, etc.)
I've discussed this with him but it goes in one big ear and out the other. I'm 47, 5 foot 4 and weigh 122, in great shape and athletic, so what is the problem?
I as a 28 year old woman, with the same man for 13 years and 3 kids, have a little insight on why women lose interest in sex...It gets beyond boring for us thats why. It becomes a repetitive chore, akin to washing dishes. And even though my man works, when he doesnt want to help me clean or care for the kids, why would I want to spend energy I dont have doing something that is going to feel exactly the way it did last time. Theres no passion, no excitement, nothing. Sex feels like being poked and prodded like your some cow. Is boring, repetitive, and dont you men realize, that girls still just wanna have fun?!!! Pay for us to have a makeover, then buy yourself something nice and please, brush your teeth..Then maybe we would want it too.
I think all adult men should take a course on how to please women. Most women I know are fully unhappyin the bedroom. They wont speak to their mate for fear of their delicate egos. Listen up guys, theres more to sex than insert, thrust, repeat...Get a clue...
Well, I'm a 57 yr old man. Still working to support just me and the Mrs, house pmt, car pmt, this and that bills. She's a stay at home grandma with occasional day visits from the 2 yr old grandson, gets to play senior volleyball twice a week and I just need it at least once a week but why do I still HAVE to ask for it? I thought everybody stills NEEDS it! So I forget to brush my teeth..sorry but I NEEDS IT too.........
I would say #11 is control. Women can use their sexuality to assert power over their partner.
I know exactly how you feel. I have been married 24 years. Sex and arousal ALL starts in the brain. If you don't feel good about your relationship then you will not be turned on by your husband. Men don't understand that women need to feel special...When a man makes a women feel special then she wants to please her man.
I hate having sex. It is painful and unpleasant. In my last relationship I got to a point where I just wanted him to hurry up and climax so I could do something that was actually enjoyable.
often times men and women are in relationships for completely wrong reasons. when you are in a "right" relationship, the chances are much higher that you are communicating and lack of sex and/or sex drive is a non issue.
I believe that most of us started out in a "right" relationship. Most of us used to have a highly sexual relationship, but I'm emotionally turned off now and I know that many of my friends feel the same way. Often it's the little things that can make the biggest difference. We both work full time, but I get no help around the house. Lemme tell ya how turned on I get when he helps me clean the house!!!!!! He'll have the night of his life if he ever cleans the bathroom!!!!!!!!!!
My husband always puts me first. I am lucky in that respect. My reason for sometimes not wanting sex is my overweight body image.
Reason #11: Kids (young or grown) are sleeping in the next room. My wife has used many of these reasons on me--toothbrushing, cleaning the bathroom, and you can bet that if we just had a disagreement I will be cut off for weeks. Regardless, I have no sympathy for men who won't satisfy their wives. I make it a point to bring my wife to climax each time, usually before I do.
Marriage for 20+ years is hard in the sex department. Many time one or the other partners lets themselves go in term of keeping their bodies fit and attractive. Plus it's a total turn off for me to see someone lying around watching tv when there is so much to be done around the house. I agree with someone who posted earlier about what a turn on it would be if her husband cleaned the bathroom. A good marriage takes an extreme amout of work to keep things exciting. Sometimes people just give up because it just easier to do nothing...that's when the other man or women enters the picture. You need to work daily on keeping your marriage strong and exciting.....
How about the simple fact that most men are lousy lovers. And, there are plenty of women along the way who have helped them achieve that status by faking every emotion and physicality associated with good sex due to the fragile male ego.
Men's egos would improve if they knew they were ligitimately pleasing their lovers. Come on, ladies, don't ruin it for the rest of us. It's too late to train men in their 40s. By this time they should really know what they're doing.
I started a relationship with a man who said he would like to wait to have sex until so we could focus on getting to know eachother and making it all work out.
I though how awsome I found a dream man. Someone who doesn't pressure to have sex or think it's the most important thing in a relationship. We waited 3 months before we thought we were ready to have sex. We did it enough to show that we are physically into eachother (about once a week, if sometimes less), which I was totally happy with and he was too. I'm not a big sex person so I thought this was perfect for it to be okay with him.
Well now that our relationship is very "comfortable" after a year he thinks that we don't ever have sex, and that I must be getting it somewhere else, or I'm just not interested in him. I just want to tell him, remember idiot, we started with not having sex, and have been fine with a few times a month. So what's the deal now!?
Most of the problem is men want instant gratification, in the case of sex, it only takes them less than 5 minutes to achieve that release, for women, it takes much more time for climax, if a woman could achieve the same results in 5 minutes or less, a woman would be willing and attentive. Men get over the excuse that woman don't like sex, it is very enjoyable, it just takes longer and is frustrating for the woman to achieve what a man achieve's in 5 minutes. Why do men not like household chores-takes longer than 5 minutes, if sex took them much longer they would want it is less also. Ask a man to take out the trash everytime he wants sex, he would also stop asking so much and maybe start to understand the female point of view.
I am 26 yrs old, 8 years on the pill, full time and part time worker, part time student. What happens is us women want to do it all (superwomen) in reality it is hard to joggle everything. What more than to have terrific sex when you are tired? Alot of us try to please the other but tend to forget about ourselves. What about what we want to feel? We tend to keep it inside cause it is so tabboo. Please if you want to have a good time in bed make your partner work at it. Tell him the things you like, make him work hard for that dinner you did not want to make. Ladies what i am trying to say is that you should have great sex at least 3 times a week. if you have great sex then you forget about your troubles, that crankiness will go away. Love yourselves enjoy one another.
I am 25 and haven't had sex in 3 1/2 yrs. My last partner was awesome. Several times a week, and he always thought of me first. I am scared because immediately after I climax I get a headache- eye watering, throbbing, right above my eyes, and it lasts for days. I'm afraid that a future partner will run as soon as he sees how sex affects me. I need to go see a doctor, I know. Can anyone tell me what may be causing this before I spill my guts to a doc in person?
Perhaps it's because she has not experienced full sexual pleasure and satisfaction yet. She and her partner need to explore how to enhance her pleasure. If it's good, she will want it again and again and again...I also know stress can lead one to desire sex and drive another away from sex. Why is this? I want it way more than my husband but he is too often either busy, too distracted, too stressed, too tired, or already sleeping. Yet he really enjoys it when we do have it. Figure this out. Please give me the "Top Ten Reasons Men Don't Want Sex" and "What's A Woman to Do When She Wants It and He Doesn't" or "How To Get Your Husband To Do It More Often". And yes, a woman can still be very sexual after 50.
As a 45 year old male in a 6 year sexless marriage let me tell you, a lot of the reasons given here are just Bull.
Many, not all but many, of us men, help around the house, help with the chores, take our time making love, and still we are denied sex. We are loving attentive men who help in any way possible and do all we are asked, and still, we are denied relations with the women we love, and with women who profess to love us?
After years of therapy, message board reading, etc.. I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that as a species we are just wired differently and that we will never be on the same page sexually. I'm sure evolution has a lot to do with it. Once a female has her man and has procreated, there is no further legitimate biological need for sex, so in females, the drive evaporates.
What I have never been able to understand, is if you love someone, what is so hard about doing something - even sex - once in a while just to make them happy? ESPECIALLY, if the relationship is good in all other respects.
There are plenty of things I do that I'd rather not, but I do them because I know they make my wife happy, and having her happy, makes me happy.
I really just don't get it.
To the 45 year old man in a six year sexless marriage, I'm a female in a six year sexless marriage. Sex was great until we moved in together and then disappeared.
I have to tell you - what you and I live with is NOT natural at any age. We are being denied intimacy and marriage becomes hollow without it.
And there's no excuse. My husband doesn't suffer from ED or any other medical problem. If there's a problem, it's in his head and he has to get counseling.
I experienced not wanting sex because my bf of 3years didn't make me feel loved and wanted,nor attractive,so the sex life suffered and he never wanted to try new things. Heck he barely wanted to talk about sex. Thank god I am not with him anymore.
I am 40 years old and have been married to the same women for 18 years. I have four children and work for myself at home. I get upset when I hear women use the "I'm not getting help around here" phrase as a means to shut off the sex in the relationship. After a ten hour day of whining clients the last thing I need to hear is a woman blame me for the reasons shes not in the mood. I 've heard just about every reason why she can't or won't have sex. I have performed many "arrands and chores" to try and help the mood. I love sex and am whilling to pleasure her for hours before getting to it. She still does not take care of herself and chores and arrands get bigger and longer with each sexual session. When we do have sex I do all the work . Sorry but most of what I hear in this blog from women is a bunch of BS phsycobabal. It all about ME ME ME. Maybe if you would just forget yourself and relax you might have fun. When's the last time that happend.
I think the reasons can be simple or complex and may have to do with the husband, the wife, or both. Most likely it is the wife if the husband is trying to please her. It's a very individual thing. A couple needs to discover why. Any combination of physical, relational, emotional, mental, hormonal, attitudinal,or other factors can come into play.
ANOTHER REASON THAT WOMEN DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX IS BECAUSE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IS PAINFUL TO THEM ESPECIALLY AFTER A HYSTERECTOMY (SUCH AS MY WIFE HAS HAD). SHE WOULD RATHER PLEASE ME ORALLY WHICH IS FINE WITH ME. SHE ALSO MATERBATES SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK WITH A VIBRATOR. NOTHING LACKING HERE.
I once saw a cover of a book that sums it up very nicely "Your sexual satisfactions is YOUR responsibility". It's easy to point the finger at our partner and say "he's not doing this/she's not doing that", but if you're taking the lazy approach of not communicating, and if need be, seeking professional help, then stop bitching because you only have yourself to blame. Even if he is "too" large, that can be taken care of. See a doctor, or maybe you're not stimulated enough. The woman's body can stretch to any size. If you've tried everything and it's still not working then again, take ownership and get out of the relationship and move on with your life to a partner who will listen and understand your needs and fufill them. I know it's not easy to walk away from a marriage after however many years with a house, kids and so on, not to mention the fear of dating again, but people do it all the time and turn out perfectly fine, if not better.
In general I may not be in the mood because I am tired, I am ticked off with my mate, or I am hating my body. Don't get me wrong I enjoy sex and we do get together enough to stay satisfied. We have different schedules so it is a little more difficult but we try to get together at least once a week for a prolonged period of time.
I would like to add that sometimes men don't know or want to satisfy the woman properly and if this is the case why should we bother. The minute man, no foreplay, routine gets old after a while.
I'm a 48 years young man who has enjoyed sex for lifetime and have no problem maintaining an erection, ie. NO VIAGRA! But what I don't understand is why men don't take the time to please women; I LOVE to do foreplay and I have no idea why but I do not cum most of the time! Therefore intercourse last for a few hours! My 50 year young girlfriend enjoys every minute of it!
I believe many of you suffer from lack of "COMMUNICATION!" You may think that you have the perfect relationship but there may be something (usually her) one of the partners isn't discussing, possibly for fear of reaction.
Women forget, overlook, take for granite how much their man is doing for them and need to be reminded that hey he is doing things for me; as a mother of 6, full time employee, part time student; I know that I would be so busy or tired that I would forget this fact. However and this probably shouldn't be taken lightly, it's not about rewarding him, who's rewarding us? It's about saying hey we both took care of the work, chores, kids together and now let's go and enjoy time together, rewarding each other!
The headache person - you might want to look up post-coital headache or sexual headache, they do exist and you should speak to a doc about that.
To the person who is ill all the time after D & C/CEBV, you need to probably find a new doctor who listens, you'll kick yourself for not before now!
I agree with the person that said that women remember things a lot longer then men and it does effect whether or not we want to jump in bed and be intimate, occasionally we need time and reassurance to recover.
I can't say it loud enough, "COMMUNICATION" is everything!
men will never learn how to please a woman in the bedroom. they run out when the woman is just getting started. They will never learn. Oh they say they are good but you wonder who they are talking about. Men size does matter but you have to last for more then a few minutes also. Please learn how to please a woman
I have been with my wife for 26 years and sex is still a huge part of our life. We plan at least 2 days a week for just romps in the hay. Our lives have revolved around raising 2 children, terrilbe jobs, yet we are still very much in love and sexually active. Don't get me wrong, there are times when her or I don't not have the required energy to perform but that has to be understood and accepted at the time. I would not stray, I don't even think about it, why look for greener grass when you have it right here at home? Do you love your mate, if yes, then love him or her, not the extras that you are expecting from the realationship.It's not easy, but it is fun. May I add that we also work 8 hours a day together in our own business, side by side, and I never get tired of "checking her out ".
I am a female 20 years older than my male partner. We have great sex and a wonderful relationship. We assure that each of us experiences satisfaction. I love to please my man and he told me from the beginning of our relationship that he always makes sure that his partner is satisfied...no lies between us. He loves watching and talking with me as I climax again and again. We engage in sexual activities anywhichway most nights of the week or WHENEVER. From our first eye contact and flirtations, we couldn't keep our hands off one another and this same body chemistry has remained for the past few years! Actually, it gets better and better.
I think we all need to understand each other when it comes to sex. I have been with the same wonderful man for 13 years. He loves me, respects me, treats me as an equal and always makes me feel good about myself on days when I don't even want to look in the mirror! And he is the absolutely the best lover I have ever had in my life!But there are still days when I don't want to be bothered! And it has absolutely nothing to do with him or my feelings for him! How can you feel like making love when all day long you've given all you can give to other people? Your boss, your coworkers, your customers, the kids, your aging parents? By the time night falls , you just want to fall into bed and try to get those 4 hours of sleep that are left just for you so you can get back up and start all over again. But we make at least 1 day a week as our night for playing and if one of us is too tired? So what! It doesn't mean we love each other any less. We are both in our early fifties and make hugging, kissing, playful fondling and yes sometimes a quickie part of our daily lives. So ladies when he reaches out to you , it doesn't always mean he wants to drag you into bed. Sometimes he just wants you to let him know he can still make your toes curl. And guys, we don't always need moonlight serenades. Just look us in the eye every morning and tell us you love us more than once a week. Follow that with a hug(like you mean it) and a tender (not a 'I want you now') kiss. I bet you'll get a better response than even when you do take out the trash! The bottom line ...We all just need to be loved, wanted and appreciated!
Ladies, I am a male who has had a radical prostectomy, (due to prostate cancer) and can not obtain an erection. I have tried everything from penile injections to pumps as well as viagra but nothing helps. What in your opinion can a male do to satisfy his wife (other than oral- as she does not like it). Is there something I can do to satisfy "both" of us? I am at a loss and have not got any help from my urologist. Masterbation may be an option however she does not believe in it due to religious reasons. Help!!!!!
If your lady is not comfortable with oral sex or masturbation and you are having erectile difficulties, then I don't know what may be available to you medically. By masturbation, I am assuming that you mean she is not comfortable with self-masturbation. For most women, orgasm is only possible by clitoral stimulation. Therefore, why don't YOU try masturbating her to climax?
I have a wonderful intimacy with my wife. we are in touch with each other prior to the bedroom. The act of making love preceded bedroom foreplay. Plus, we tell each other what we want. We do not use sex as a manipulator but as a connector. If my partner did that, then I would seek pleasure elsewhere with another woman.
Marrage, single sex life, or a combination of married with affairs. It is all as complex as human differences.
Bottom line is we have to have the interest to make it a "good" relationship or do something else. Sex is great fun, and can help relationships. We can only make choices for ourselves.
If your missing sex at home why not ask if you can order out?
FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS MY WIFE HAS SAID THAT SHE HATES SEX, AND IT HURTS HER AND I AM AN ANIMAL. WELL ONE DAY I BOUGHT SOME ASTRO GLYDE SEX LUBE AND SHE SAYS THAT IT FEELS GOOD AND WE LOVE SEX ONCE MORE. I GUESS IT WAS HER CHANGE IN LIFE AND A LITTLE PMS TOO. THANX TO ASTRO LUBE!!!
anonymous.....-
I've been married for much longer than most comments listed. I agree with most of the comments.... I do definetly agree with the idea that the man has to learn to please his woman, not just 2 minutes and has pleased himself ,....I love sex, and I am over 50...
I've told him I want foreplay but it seems no matter what I say , it seems he doesn't get it....it is always him that doesn't want to.. or not interested or just a look or a comment that "I cant get it up" so I reply that there are other ways, like kissing and hugging, by the way he doesn't like to KISS, whats with that, , just MORE FORPLAY....It does take me much longer, which I thought that there was something wrong with me, and have come to realize that I am normal..
, but with foreplay !!!!!!!!!!..I do miss the intmacy but my man doesn't.... I am asking for sex, and like other comments I am afraid to hurt his ego.. ,I was giving him oral sex over and over and over again, and after a while gave up doing this, expecting him to return the pleasure, he just turns over and goes to sleep and not a thought about me..I am very frustated...he doesnt get the picture... so I stopped the oral. I have therapy, and I communicate with him but no communication back...I love him deeply, don"t want to leave him....but I want more sex...any suggestions...yes I have a toy...as I have told him it doesn't feel the same as he does....He has tried all the pills and says they don't work!.... so...
I am a 55 year old male that has truly enjoyed sex for a long time. I have always had a big sex drive but, can keep it in check when I am supposed to. One of the biggest pleasures that I get is the mental stimulation and enjoyment of making sure that my partner is happy, feeling good about being there, and thoroughly enjoying the time and experience. I too at 20 years old did not know what a woman wanted and therefore struggled with all of the problems of the excuses of why we didn’t do it. I guess I paid attention because it was only a very short couple years later that I learned what it took. I have seen far too many men that never learn and that are there for only 2 to 5 minutes with no fore play or pre game warm up. No wonder women don't want to have sex or choose to go find it elsewhere. Learn what they want and let them have it and you will never be with out. You better be ready to and able to give and give. Because once you do that, they will want more and more. I have always been a big pleaser and love to see my partner enjoy anything and everything. The best orgasm is the one that begins and ends in your mind. It can also lead to the biggest and best physical one you will ever have. If you do all these things and your lady still does not want any, it may be a medical problem or who knows what else. But why not give it a try, unless you are truly the selfish one way kind of a man that does not care about anyone but himself. Just remember, give and ye shall receive, you reap what you sew, the greatest gift is to give, and givers gain.
Signed, Someone With A Great Big Smile.
As a 45 year old woman and being still attractive mind and body...I have wondered so many times why and what would make me more interested in sex. I think god had big laugh creating man and woman and what stimulates each sex....crazy! Sex should be a very intimate part of the relationship...intimatacy is not of the physical, but a closeness in mind and emotion. So the way I see it, if a woman is emtionally and mentally (what moves us) stimulated we have more of a desire for the man in our life. "Stroke" our hearts and our minds....these are what make us woman melt. If I could put it this way...an aphrodesiac for me would be=the feelings of being in love/// nice foreplay?= court me. I think to a better understand in our female bodies helps too and wanting to "please" us senusally. A guy just being horney and just needing a body to get off on is a complete turn-off. Make a woman feel completely loved and desired for who she is?...will get you much farther in the bedroom...or anywhere esle ;)
Hey guys...read up on the subject.
I just learned how to touch that area to make her wild.
Of course, there will always be some females who just remain stubborn to working with you.
To the man with post prostatectomy impotnce, penile prosthesis work very well, ask your urologist to send one that specialises in that particular surgery.MD
after being married with myhusband for 3 years and always away from me he taught me how to do it myself from toy and masturbating, at first i felt so awful since my thought came that he is of course doing cyber sex, all the time, He is in the U.S and I am in Asia, but through that way we still have done our ways of loving, and true enough he is also doing the same to other women as he said he doenst have any satisfaction but so far its me that makes him so good from anyone else,. Now my desire for him is decreasing since he always fantasize a mistress whenever we do it and really it turns me off, and saying its just a helper to to turn me on,but it doesnt, really. I would rather play with the toy he brought me and enjoy it myself. and yes he has this ego and well trying to prove he can really do it for everyone, who is interested with him..
I'm a 44-yo woman who loves sex! I didn't know I could love sex while I was married though.... My ex didn't have the experience or knowledge or, and this is the real point of my comment - the INTEREST - to become a good lover. I was enthusiastic, but just as sexually illiterate as he, but I was prepared to ask and learn and read. My growing interest and suggestions were deflected and my enthusiasm was put down until it reached a sad and terrible low. He became defensive and began avoiding sex with me. Please, don't imagine I was aggressive or showing up in the bedroom with whips, chains, or pornographic literature. No, I was simply open and communicative.
Looking back, I can understand why he was threatened and hurt. At no point did I ever tell him he was bad in the sack, but I wish I'd been more, well, manipulative. Less open about what I was trying to do. If I'd been more casual, would we still be married?
Until the divorce, I'd never been with another man. My first lover after marriage was a true shock to my system! He was kind, honestly cared about my climax, and wanted to talk about sex in a funny and friendly way that erased years of long-held beliefs of my own supposed deficiencies and, for lack of a better term, unsexiness.
Talks with women friends over the years suggest that we females don't lose interest in sex at all. We just don't know how to cope with years of bad sex and lack of communication about our needs from our relationships. After so many sex encounters where our partners simply don't exert the effort to help up achieve our pleasure, we give up. Our requests sound like nagging to our own ears and we shut up inside ourselves, choosing to simply put up with bad sex to keep the peace.
Men, when you have an erection it leads to ejaculation over 90% of the time. We women get sexually aroused, too, but it takes more than five minutes of work to reach our peak. Sorry, we think it sucks, too, but biology changes for no one.
If you want good sex with one partner for a lifetime, both parties have to make the time and effort to please each other. There is no greater aphrodisiac for a woman than to know she's wanted sexually by the man she wants to be with. So tell her, for crying out loud. Let her know you appreciate all her hard work during the day and REWARD her with good sex at night. Make it fun for the both of you. Trust me, spending an extra half hour pleasing your partner will reap endless rewards.
Men complain about how women 'let themselves go' as time passes. I am here to tell you that this is a direct result of MEN getting lazy and not spending the time and love and energy to keep the love light burning. Don't complain that your wife's ass is getting wider, get on your knees and worship her like you used to. Trust me, this is the most effective way to happiness for both of you.
Women, you also need to respect a man's need for sexual inventiveness and adventure. I'm not suggesting anything dirty or obscene. Just remember that a simple blow job in the morning shower will keep him smiling all day - heck, all week. Not every encounter has to fulfill both of you. (Men, do you hear that?) If you're so tired you just can't participate, let the poor guy have his way with you. Just remind him that paybacks are hell and he's gonna have to pay up SOON.
Communication is key. Sharing is vital. It takes two to tango and there is a reason that the tango is such a sensual dance for both partners. Respect each other's needs and remember that the more you give, the more you'll get in return.
Good sex is incredible and human beings are incredibly sensual creatures. Touching, holding hands, smiling and looking into each other's eyes to see what the other is feeling are all just methods to gauge how you're both doing. Never stop asking how your partner is feeling and make it your goal to improve their day. Reaching out this way is key to maintaining a good relationship. And heck, if your partner is a dunce and just doesn't get it, it's a sneaky training method! Teach him or her to share and care.
So, if I haven't made it clear, women do NOT lose interest in sex IF the sex is good. If they lose interest in anything, it's hope. Hope that their partner will someday miraculously start showing interest in making sex fun and exciting again, like in the early days.
I cannot believe IT!!! This is the first time I have ever heard from another that really rings true. I've been married for 10 years and until I found out my husband was cheating and decided on a divorce, I have been faithful.
I'm saying all of that to say this: I recently began a relationship with a man 11 years younger and the sex is WONDERFUL. I literally forgot what it was like to have a partner that was actively trying to satisfy ME during sex!
So, if you are reading this and wondering what can I do for my partner? Remember to really try to satisfy your partner first. I recently was told that your partner should help you reach orgasm AT LEAST ONCE before penetration.... and I can say this has made all the difference in my desire.
It has NOTHING to do with work, kids, arguments, or being tired... when this man is available... I am ready and willing!!!
My first wife and I made dates for sex and did exactly the same thing. I brought her to climax and then I finished entering her. It never changed but it was somethng. Now,after my wife passed I have a second wife who frowns on nudity. She has a cute body except for her legs, beautiful breasts but I can't see them except in the dark. We almost divorced because her lack of interest in sex. Finally we made up that each Saturday we would make love. I really make love to her to her and she doesn't believe in oral sex although I do for her. Did I say I am 20 years older than her. We still have big fights over sex and I ended up accepting once a week, which is better than none. My drive, I feel is normal and she won't talk about sex at all. I love her and really am a great husband. I consider her, cook for her , clean etc.,etc. and no kids to come between. Don't say I am a jerk as I already know that but i knew this before we got married so I got what I deserved. I remember crying before we got married as she just was not there for me sexually. She claims it is due to being abused as a child but doesn't believe in doctors.
So all you guys out there, thank your lucky stars. I don't stray as I really love her.
One of the reasons that I've lost (some, not all) interest in sex with my husband of 11 years is due to the hateful, mean things he has said during arguments in the past. Even though we've gotten past whatever we argued about, those mean words hurt. Its like I told the hubby: "Those words ring long & loud in my mind & emotions", no matter what. Since I told him this, he has been trying to get better about it, & I must admit, I see progress. But, another reason is that he isnt too keen on trying new things, he's too conservative that way. When I see him put forth some effort to please me, then maybe that will bring back the desire.
For most couples, sex is a weapon used to reward or to control and that is plain wrong! Many people put themselves first and their own interests first, be it sport, TV you name it. Sex is a corner stone in any marriage. Take that away and you are flirting with danger. Relationships may be disfunctional but I can't understand why sacrifice sex because he won't help around the house. What if he works a demanding job and you are a stay at home mom, Unless you are carrying the kids on your back the whole day, could you really justify how you spend your day. Yes, housework is tough and so is working outside the home. It's time for couples to remember in every marriage, the two of you come first. It's that relationship that binds everything else. Take the time to have sex, dig deep within to find the energy to do it, cause it's probably the only things that only and I mean only the two of you can do for each other. You can eat out, hire a cleaning person etc but sex cannot be outsourced in a marriage unless you are skirting for trouble.
Why do some women enjoy giving blow jobs while others are repulsed by the thought of putting a penis in her mouth?
THAT" is the question of the month as far as I am concerned. My wife refuses to even consider giving me a blow job under any circumstance. My past girl friends loved providing this type of sexual relief for me no matter where we were. I can honestly say that I have greater climaxes by a woman blowing me than I do having sexual intercourse with her. I can not explain it but the climaxes are 10 times stronger when she blows me. Any ideas? Suggestions? Not that I'm complaining,(LOL) just wish I could get it more.
I am a 28 year old female and I have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. Not even a little... none. I have not had any children, so that isn't an issue. When I was younger, I had a moderate sex drive and would give anything to have it again.
I am on Dilantin for my seizure disorder and am starting to believe that it is the problem, even though loss of sex drive isn't listed as one of its side effects.
I have been with my partner for five years and sometimes I think that maybe I have just lost interest in him physically, so I will fantasize about someone else to test if that will arouse me, but alas, it does not. I still find my partner and other men physically attractive, but when I think about sex with him or anyone else, I either feel nothing or feel repulsed by the idea.
Does anyone else here take Dilantin and if so, have they experienced any loss of sex drive? I do not feel like a normal human being anymore - I do not feel like a woman. Humans are supposed have a sex drive - without it, none of us would ever procreate.
As is it now, my partner and I basically live like roommates. We will go months with no sexual activity and this is so unfair to him, but I can't help it. When we do engage in something, I just secretly pray for it to be over with as soon as possible. I feel beyond guilty and I cry over not being able to make him happy. We have talked about marriage, but it's completely unfair to him to enter into what may be a sexless marriage. I feel like sometimes I should just tell him to leave me and find someone else because this may never change. What if it's not the Dilantin? What if it doesn't ever change?
As sad as it sounds, I am more than willing to be alone for the rest of my life. I would much rather be alone than to keep some guy in a miserable, sexless relationship. I love my partner, but I feel worse and worse about this every day. He quietly "deals with it" because he is a good guy, and that makes me feel even worse.
Comments are welcome from those in a similar situation and can relate to what I'm going through.
I have found that as a man, one must still be romantic and work on getting his wife in the mood. I have been married for 39 yrs. and I'm 63. It is a lot of fun for me to tease her and finally get her to want me. Yes, I do suffer from EDS, but the "big V" helps me out. I make sure that she is taken care of, first, and then I get my big reward.
I am a 45 year old woman who has been called "hot," who still gets the "looks" on the street, etc. I am living as married with my boyfriend after having been married 2 times before. I have been through it all. And through it all, I have come to believe this as true: women don't want sex because they stop trying to connect emotionally with their partner. They resent, and hold onto what they perceive as "wrongs" for days, weeks, months, years. They lose touch with the soft part of their heart that connected them to their man in the beginning of the relationship. Try this trick: look at your man, try real hard to think back to those first days, weeks of your relationship, dig up and polish off those old feelings, and you'd be amazed at what you start to feel again. DO SOME WORK ON YOURSELVES, LADIES! Its NOT all their FAULT!
Hi. The list forgot to mention chronic illnesses ad menopause which might require a litte pateinec on the man's part and some pitching in around the house.
All assume that there is something wrong with the women but there are many older women leaving to be with younger partners who are more willing to please.
Sex can me an amazing joy but men seem to get lazy after a few years and demand sex. They do forget to spruce up, brush their teeth, and try something sensual. Iv'e never met a man who thought he might actually be lacking as he stands there demanding sex. Sex it am utter gift and when men act like it's just another thing they are owed it gets boring and demoralizing to be with them. You can deman or expect it and neither of the sexes should.
Sex is the natural flower aftre sowing kindness, respect, playfulness, affection, and a high regard for one another. It's too bad so many reliationship slack that these days.
Women are pleasers, and even if sex is painful due to an illness, are all too willing to go to bed and have sex with a kind, man who is equally attentive outside of sex as when trying to get sex (what a trunoff to women when men are only playful when they want something).
Men want more sex, brush those teeh, cuddle for the sake of cuudling, help around the house, and don't blow off steam with mean words that hurt women deeply. We can't have sex with a man who cuts our spirits. Men, ask the woman what she would like or read one of the many books on how to please a woman. Sex is no one's "right" - it's what happens when two people are equally thrilled to be with the other.
The more sex you deman the less you actually get, no matter how many women you go through!
I am very fortunate to have a husband that enjoys pleasing me more than himself. We have been married for over 13 years now and our intimacy has only gotten better in time. I think it is because we spend lots of time together talking and commmunicating what satisfies us. He spends the time to caress me, talk with me, he never complains, and only makes me feel like a beauitful important person during this time. We try to spice things up a little by trying some new things. It helps. Yes everyone goes thru dry spells. We do on ocassion expecially if someone is sick in the house or some stress is overwhelming, but regardless of whether we have sex we always have time alone to talk and that will usually lead to other things. I personally think communication is the key to a happy love life.
For the person who said " I am scared because immediately after I climax I get a headache- eye watering, throbbing, right above my eyes, and it lasts for days", I had this happen to me several years ago whenever I would climax. I think there is a name for this condition, and it is not that uncommon. I was seeing a chiropractor who did adjustments and gave me some kind of supplement, I can't remember the name of it, but it helped make it go away in not too much time. I would encourage you to do this as soon as possible. It made a huge difference in my life.
After leaving a 24 year relationship with ups and downs in that dept (and IPA issues), I can tell you that I've experienced all those issues. Every last one. I read up and found that men generally need a release every 2-3 days, and with more or less activity and even other factors, might need it more or less. A man's need is not just a mental release - there are genuine physical factors. They do have choices on how to react, but sometimes they just need the activity. There is no single 'correct' average, either. My coming to terms is finding a partner that is kind, caring and patient with me, and therefore I become kind, patient and caring with him as well. I even do things I never thought I could do before :-) I guess there is something to having a good lover and partner, but the thing I see most of all is kindness, caring and genuine concern. I expect ups and downs, but I hope and will try to continue to work for the best in both of us and I expect the same from him. It's been 5 years now :-)
It seems curious to me that some of the male writers say that they make sure the female has been satisfied, and then they achieve their satisfaction. What would happen if the female did that? It would be over for that event I think. The 11th reason has to be that it is uncomfortable to try to enjoy sex with so many roles to fill and so little time. The home is still run by the woman even though she is out makin'bacon too.
Have read all the above and must say that I am surprised. I did not realize there were that many women out there that were not enjoying a healthy sex life. I am 50 years old, have been divorced for 15 year. Let me be the first to tell you that the older you get the better the sex gets!. I have come to the conclusion, that as men mature, "most" of them are more interested in pleasing their lady... to them that is a big turn on.
For a while after I was divorced, I lived with a man that preferred to masturbate to porn rather than make love to me. For a while it really got me down on myself... but I finally woke up and say.. Hey...it's his loss.
No, don't get me wrong... I am not out here hitting the sack with every Tom, Dick and Harry.. I could count on one hand the men I have been with in the past 15 years. But a true gentleman will ALWAYS make sure his lady is satisfied.
The comments were exactly right about communication. Men want women to tell them what feels good and what turns them on. And oh yes, guy.. a little romance goes a long way. Treat us like a queen and we will make you feel like a king in the bed!
Also, the fact that men are actually attracted to you is a big turn on. I think most women will admit that when the dress up a little, or wear something a little provocative the feel better about themselves. I know it works for me! Nothing boosts this old gal's ego more than have some younger guy give you the eye.
To sum it up... it's what you make of it.. I have a special friend that is 65... the sexiest man in the world.. and I must say he rocks my world... with loving like that... no excuses are necessary.. I melt just thinking about how sensual he is..
I have a good idea why women lose interest in their partner, and that is usually they are getting their sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Once the taste of forbidden fruit is experienced, it is only in the company of that other person that she can be satisfied sexually.
No, I don't have the sexual experiences I used to enjoy with my spouse. When she is constantly comparing you mentally to another man and in her mind you come up in second place, the relationship is basically over. I'm just around for the sake of the children and to pay the bills. The magic is gone, and I'm tired of not being the man she wants to be intimate with.
I'm a 45 y/o woman married for 21 years-->10 now sexless. My parter just decided he was no longer interested. I take good care of myself, stay in shape, and consider myself a great sexual partner. I talked until I was blue in the face--without results. Out of frustration, I had a 6 year extramarital affair and learned there is nothing wrong with my libido, nor my lovemaking skills. It was really important to know it wasn't me.
I'm still married but giving serious thought as to what role sex plays in a marriage after 20 years. Is it worth starting over at this age--or does sex just become such a non-issue in those golden years. Any ideas out there?
I have read many negative comments regarding sex between man and woman here, so I will add my positive perspective.
I am a guy who has been married 20 years to the same woman.
Sex is part of being intimate. Late at night, I love snuggling close to my wife and having pillow-talk for awhile. Hearing about her day and talking about mine. We usually have a couple of glasses of red wine in the process, so we are pretty loose.
On the nights we are both in the mood - ooooooohhhhhh baby.
Some nights, she is in the mood, and I am not, but I make sure she knows that I love her and that she feels that her needs are important and taken care of.....
Some nights, I am in the mood, and she is not, but she makes sure I know that she loves me and that my needs are important and taken care of.......
Love is about giving yourself to the one you LOVE,
Jack
At 49 i loved sex as much as i ever did and i really liked the sex! Even though it was becoming very painful we still had sex regularly. Then at 50 i had to have a radical hysterectomy. My sex life was gone much to my dismay and my husbands. My sex drive is nonexistant. I have wondered what happened to ME, since then i have gone through a depression and have finally stopped feeling like i died and someone i didn't know has taken my place. We still have sex but not very freqently and i almost never have an orgasm. I have tried to find some way to find a sex drive but to no avail. My doctor tried to help. I have tried hormone replacements even tried Viagara but still nothing. I am now 55 and we have been married for 36 years and have been together for 40. If i could go back to 50 i would say the hell with the hysterectomy.
What about the women who want sex from their husbands, and he is not interested?? He has some medical issues that require him to take medication, but I am willing to except any form of sexual contact. Foreplay, oral, physical touching. But is he is not interested in pleasing me if he can't get gradafication. It really is not fair. We have not had sex for over 6yrs. I am 47, and have recently had a hysterectomy, and the HRT is really triggering my libido. WOW It is amzing, but since I have a husband you is not willing, I just go without. Sad but true.
ok, here's the deal , a relationship is not about sex, that's only a small part of it, it's about to people caring for each other. Because when your both old, and things don't work no more, it's only love that binds you to someone, so sex really don't matter ,unless your shallow....
Just speaking my peace.....
I too have a husband who is too lazy to put more effort into foreplay. I bought a vibrator and now he wants me to use it before sex so that he doesn't have to do anything. It takes me longer, usually because HE doesn't understand that being nice to me during the day or days before makes a difference. He doesn't talk much to me anymore, stares at the TV...but then when it comes time to go to bed, wonders WHY I'm not in the mood. What has he done to get me into the mood? No kisses, hugs or even a kind word. I know his drinking is the cause of most of our problems, but he says he doesn't have a problem. I feel that when a woman is not in the mood, it has a lot to do with the man in her life. I sure get excited looking at other men and fantasizing. So I know I am capable of being aroused. Men always complain that their wife isn't in the mood. If there are no physical problems with her, then they should look to themselves and see what they can do differently to PLEASE their wife.
After 30+ years of sleeping with the "OLD GOAT" & having sleep constantly interrupted (when having to be @ work @4-5am,) I moved to the spare room...We've gotten along FINE SINCE...HE Still SMELLS LIKE a GOAT; BUT I've had 10 wonderful years of GOOD SLEEP!!!!
Jack , you sound like a gem of a husband. Your wife is so lucky...wouldn't it be wonderful if all men paid attention to their wives like that..I've been married 27 yrs and wondering if I want to stay married. I love him, but as I said in the previous comment, the drinking is taking over his life for the past 10yrs or more. I need more positive attention and I am not getting it. I have found a friend who gives me lots of attention , not sex of course, but hugs and friendly kisses, but he's gay. So we can only be friends. At least I know its possible for a man to like me and be kind to me again..
Respoding to:
"SHE ESSENTIALLY IS DRIVING HER HUSBAND TO SEEK RELEASE ELSEWHERE. She cant have her cake and eat it too"!
But her husband can have his cake and eat it too by seeking elsewhere? SHE is not driving a grown man who is perfectly capable of keeping his zipper in tact to do anything however if he does seek elsewhere and blame her then he is not a man who is in control of himself and CERTAINLY should not be getting married- he should be headed back to mommy's house until he can learn about reality and how to grow up to be a real man.
You can't play with the big dogs if your going to pee like a puppy.
My family has been torn apart by infidelity and it REALLY stinks! (and NO! we did not have sexual differences nor did I have a lack of drive for sex before I discovered my XH was cheating)
For those who are probably asking the question... NO, I never gained any weight, and not that it is in any way justification for EITHER spouse to cheat- my XH gained 40+ pounds.
What Im getting at is if your wife has issues, you may be frustrated and confused when it comes to a solution but rest assured, that the proccess of "seeking elsewhere" is only going to get you 100X the issues you have now with the possibilty of a solution being about 1/100
If you remain in that type of thinking mode, I can only pray that there are no children involved.
Capsizing your wifes emotional future for your own sexual gratification with some morally deficient half wit that you hook up with is bad enough but it is an entirely new kind of disgusting when you have that much disregard for innocent children as well.
For me... I dont need to add stress, work, birth control or anything else because this alone is enough. Hearing people say stuff like this and knowing that the person that I might view as my soulmate could easily wander off the trail if he doesnt get a piece of nookie when he wants it or sex is clearly more important than family, values and morals in general. In that case, Im just fine with the idea of going life "solo". If my XH didnt drive the last nail in the coffin,... reading stuff like this does the trick as far as any possible future sex drive for me.
I agree that alot of men don't take the time to please their partner and that is because they just aren't taught how..and younger guys are usually the worst..I was married for 14 years and he never realized that it's about each other climaxing..not just him. Now I am with an older guy that takes care of me with foreplay and making sure that I climax before him. I think that is something that just has to be learned..and some guys never learn it..and alot of relationships suffer because of it..for example the divorce rate!!
Having been married for 20+ years, I think sex gets better through the years. My husband and I have a very strong marrage - we consider ourselves soulmates. I think if the other aspects or the marrage are intact - Trust, respect, loyalty, compassion, etc., sex naturally follows in a fullfilling form to both parties.
Two things affect every single human relationship - kindness and communication. Without BOTH of those from BOTH concerned, any relationship is doomed. With them, any relationship can be a success. And no marriage or long term relationship can succeed without intimacy.
I'd rather masturbate if my husband is not going to take the time with foreplay. It's not that I don't keep myself clean and attractive, or keep the bedroom clean and inviting - he says it's my weight that's a turn off. But, he's had lovers who were fatter than me - what gives?
I've been married for 29 years. After 22 years my husband cheated on me and one of his many excuses was he has E.D., or I was asked, "Is that all you think about?" I knew he didn't because there was no problem the last time we had sex. We fought for 6 of the years of infidelity until I finally gave up. Now that he is no longer working with his mistress he feels that everything is back to normal, and acts as if nothing has happened. He truly does have E.D. now and I have lost interest. He won't discuss it for fear he would have to answer to his cheating which was never resolved. The best part of his life was given to someone else and I truly have been cheated.
I have told my husband repeatedly for years that sex is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's a mental thing. If you are a man who constantly criticizes your wife, makes accusations every time you are mad at yourself (my husband transfers feelings a lot), thinks only of yourself more often than not, and I could go on and on; then you won't have an exciting, willing, enthusiastic partner.
I think a lot of men in our culture are addicted to masturbation. US men are raised on porn like US women are raised on Romance novels. Women expect romance and men expect the butt to be up in the air, greased and wiggling. Our cultural mores are destroying good sex between men and women. In addition, it is easier for a man to watch porn and masturbate than to do the "work" required to be with a real woman. Finally, many men cannot sustain an erection, have premature ejacutlation, or are so out of shape they just give up. Oh...but the question was about women not wanting sex?
If I am not feeling emotionally well and especially if it was because of an argument and some hurt feelings I had towards my husband, I cannot have sex with him.
However, sometimes even if I am tired and not feeling up to having sex or being intimate, I will have sex with my husband as long as I am not emotionally hurt or feeling emotionally bad.
Men need to realize that they can enjoy sex or intimacy with their partners or wives much better when a women feels emotionally good.
Sex is lovely and satisfying. Sometimes the big turnoff is smelling something obnoxious specially in that area where the action is. This is true specially if both partners prefer to prelude orally . Keep it clean before the action starts and its a sure win-win situation for both partners.
As a woman, I would like to think that women WANT sex but sometimes are afraid to admit it. I am in a relationship that satisfies me emotionally for the first time in years and I have found that my sex drive has actually increased with him. I feel loved in ways that I was needy before and didn't want sex with my former husband. Now that I am feeling good about myself in all ways, it is easier for me to admit that I have needs too. Maybe that is what is missing in a lot of relationships and leaves women NOT wanting to have sex.
I agree with your comments about a "lacking something in his own personality and character" when it comes to men that go from one woman to another.
One reason that I know for a fact makes a woman not want to have sex is because of a husband that runs around on them.
No trust - no sex.
I would just like to say to the men who are reading this, that a woman would willingly open her heart, her arms and bed to you, IF you knew what pleases her. A woman's body is like a fine violin and it takes time, yes time, to get to know how it works. Until this happens, sorry, you might hear every excuse in the world. Her main need, yes need, is to be loved and cherished, this meaning she is the object of your affections. And boy, if you get it, you'll live a fulfilled life with the woman you love. Am I right women?
Let's face it. we are too far back from how it should be for all the 10 and all other reasons noted in the comments. Men for (the same reasons listed) are always, ready and willing; it's inherent. Women are not always willing, but they submit because it's just too hard to make a man understand that we are sick and tire of the routine and sex is just one more routine.
I think its quite possible that women & men experience a decrease in sex drive and uncomfortable sex at times. I'm 35, divorced,single mom with a teenager and 9 year old. I work full time and go to school at nights. I'm attractive, but carry a few pounds (30) more than I feel comfortable with but it hasn't affected my esteem or sex drive. I was on the pill for 8 years and even for a while after I met my fiance - who had a vasectomy.
My fiance is supportive, loving and caring. He brings me to climax and fullfills all my sexual needs both physically and sexually and is open to talk about both our needs, expectations and wants. The communication and love is what it takes to make a lasting relationship fullfilling on all levels.
Remember when you fell in love with your partner and you got the butterfly's - then the butterfly's turned to comfortable security? Reconnect on that level men, give your women the feeling that she is the most valuable gift you have ever been given. Love her despite the extra weight, encourage her dreams and meet realistic expectations. It's not really a puzzle. I want my man everytime he wants me and initiate it just as equally. I want to please him and know he wants to please me...that is better than any hormone or stimulant out there.
Women can go on and on with excuses that men don't do this or that or it hurts or 'they just don't understand'. I've had painful sex with my fiance, but through love and understanding, we've worked through that and it couldn't get better. You can't expect a man to read your mind or know what it takes to please you. If it hurts, talk to your gynocologist, your doctor AND your partner. Chances are there are solutions out there.
It's perfectly normal to have a healthy sex life being 5 times a day or 3 times a month, but you both need to communicate to fullfill each others needs.
I am a stay at home mom with two young children and I know after chasing after them all day, cleaning, doing laundry, and other errands, when I go to bed I am tired and sex is the last thing on my mind. Before we had kids I loved it even when I was working full-time before the children. Whenever my husband wants it I usually give-in just for the sake of argument. He doesn't seem to understand if I had some more help around the house or got an hour a day to myself I maybe more excited about having sex instead of seeing it as another chore. Does anyone else feel this way?
My ex-husband would virtually ignore me all week. His idea of getting in the mood was to grab my butt on the stairs on Friday evening. He'd be in bed by 9 PM warming up by watching pornos while I finished cleaning up the kitchen and put the kids to bed with no help from him. Then he couldn't understand why I wasn't all gung-ho about sex. After years of that it's not that I didn't want to have sex, it's that I no longer wanted to have sex with HIM.
Its not just women that use sex as a controlling factor in a relationship. Men will withhold sex to express their displeasure over an argument too. Just like men, if a woman is repeatedly rebuffed for her sexual advances, she eventually gives up, and then it becomes HER fault, she never wants it, etc., and its going back to a year of his total disinterest until she gave up. The same thing happens with men, its not a problem that only occurs with one gender. Too often, both partners forget that sex is more than a biological function, its a healthy part of a couple's bonding, and it does require effort from both parties.
I've lost a lot of the interest I had in sex because my husband has been in affairs with other women. There's not much of anything that can kill desire than that. I've never refused him and he's always said no one has pleased him more.
Don't know about the other billion females on planet earth, but I know that while sex is a personal pleasure, preference and grand stress reliever shared between two people, I don't want to spend the rest of my life swallowing cum (a/k/a live sperm!). Yes, you heard me right...SWALLOWING CUM! If marriage didn't involve that one expectation, I'd probably be more incline to enjoy sex more! Unfortunately, most men....no, let me correct that....ALL MEN desire women primarily for THAT intended purpose: to acquire oral sex relief and I resent that expectation. Yes, there are women that provide that pleasure and enjoy it. Many, however, do it out of expectation and obligation, pretending or thinking they have to provide this pleasure. If they really stopped to realize they were swallowing REAL LIVE SPERM, they might wonder themselves...why they do it! No thank you....I'm happy acquiring my stress relief through masturbation!
We're not animals for heaven sake. If the guy doesn't turn us on, he doesn't turn us on. How can men let themselves go as they get older and still expect their wives to say "Oh baby"!? The guy picks his nose, scratched himself and belches and then expects a woman to be turned on. Whenever one these articles are published on why women don't want to have sex, this reason is never mentioned. Why is that?
I have had a lot of these problems. I am 62 years young. I had a hysterectomy at the early age of 54. I wish I could go back and not have the hysterectomy. In the past few years I have gone to several doctors to find something to help me to enjoy sex. I finally found someone that could. This Dr. gives me a "depo-testertone shot once a month and it has helped me (and my husband) tremendously. We are extremely happy once again. I get blood test and keep a check on every thing to make sure that I am in good working order.
My partner and I have been together for 6 years. The sex was great for the first 6-9 months, and it went downhill rapidly. She cannot find a reason why she is not interested in sex, although we believe it may be her CATHOLIC upbringing and "damning her for being homosexual." She is in love with me and is attracted to me. I think religion can have a devastating affect on intimate relationships. Most of the time, I find that masterbating is the best for me because I do struggle with intimacy issues. I do miss our sex life terribly. I am 40 and she is 49.
After 41 years of marriage, I don't want "it" anymore. In our younger years, HE was the one who didn't want it...I told him that his lack of interest would turn me off, and once off, I can't turn the "key" to restart the "engine".
I'm very comfortable to not have sex, and have many excuses to not have sex. He askes, and when I come up with excuses, he doesn't push. I'm glad for that.
As a stay at home mom, I did it all,(except cut the lawn...if I learned to do that, I would have to do that too) and it has progressed to doing everything. He still just cuts the lawn. Now after griping to him, and telling him how I advise my daughter-in-law to not create the "monster" I have, he realizes he needs to help me more around the house....not the cleaning, and laundry, it isn't that hard for just the two of us, but everything else. Of course that won't change my dersire...that died a long time ago.
For 3 yrs my husband suffered with a heart arrhythmia that meant NO energy for anything...going out to feed the chickens was frequently the only thing he could accomplish in a day, besides getting OUT of the bed. This was a difficult time all around but especially with sexual relations. It was rare he wanted to and even then it frequently was over before it barely got started. I cannot tell you how afraid I was and later I began to think I just wasn't attractive enough.
He had an ablation done in January by a University Hospital physician. Since then the energy has increased and he is wanting sex. The fear is gone but feeling tired from the long hours of work at my job and on the farm takes its toll. I am fortunate that I can articulate my desire to wait until I have had a nap or the next day without offense being taken... FEAR is the reason some people do not want to have sex--that is, fear it will hurt their partner in some way.
I'm a 41 year old woman seriously involved with a 54 year old man. We've been together for almost 8 years. Just last week, he asked me to "please think about something other than sex all the time". I never imagined I would ever hear this from a man!! I have resolved that we are in "different places" in terms of sexuality, age etc....I know I can't expect him to want it the way he used to 7 or 8 years ago but I've also started to notice a pattern...when I tell him that all I want is to just lay close to him and that there is no pressure for sex....it always ends in really great sex.
I think in our situation, he might have been feeling pressure to "PERFORM" and when I took the pressure away, he stepped up to the plate!
I wanted to share this in case there are other ladies out there wondering why their man isn't as attentive...maybe we need to let them experience the "chase" again.
When I was married, the sex was there but I got to the point I didn't want it. I got tired of hearing remarks about my weight, the house wasn't cleaned and it was, it just wasn't cleaned his was, and when I fixed dinner it wasn't the way he liked he thought it could be better. After years of this I decied to get divorced.
I finally found a man who really new how to treat me, he cares about how I feel and makes me feel like I am important. When we make love, we really make love and I have been with him for 7 years now. He doesn't hurt me in ways that he would think is ok, he just what he can to make me feel good, he tries to please me first but I really want both of use to be pleased. As time goes on, the sex gets better. Women get tired of men who without knowing or maybe careing of the words they say, it can hurt and women don't forget it sits there in the back of their minds as the man can't understand why the woman doesn't want sex. It becomes a chore and not enjoyment anymore, if either parnter wants great sex, don't say things that can hurt and last a long time. Watch what is said. Great sex is when both people care and want to please not just in the bedroom and no jumping on the woman and expecting her to be all excited. Think before either one of you speak, it may hurt for a long time.
anonymous sometimes the reason why the wives dont want sex from her husband is that when the husband goes to stripclubs and watch porn by them selfs , and when does come time to have sex with the husband she has to be thinking , who is thinking about when we have sex and also wives have to compete with fake boobs and the fake sex scenes from the bimbo that are in the porn. this really could be the problem be cause it mkakes the wives very unwanted by the husband making it hard for them to have sex ,it gives a low self esteam and the fell depressed all them time.
I have been married 3months, with husband for 3 1/2 years total, he wants sex sometimes, but i always have to start things up, I am not bored with sex when we do have it, but I am the 1 who does everything, I love sex. Could it be because he does not always get erect all the time, or stay. He would rather look at porn than me. Help?
Men have sex for different reasons than women do. I think we would all be much happier if we stuck with our own sex except for reasons for procreation. Men are just plain more interested for the sake of having sex and women want to have sex because of tender feelings.When we're done raising our kids it seems like its time to quite the marriage and either have same sex or masturbation gratification.
Sex should be a showing of love and affection. Not some 'release' or physical function like a bowel movement. When positive emotions are flowing in a relationship..sex will happen in course. Too much premeditation, or demanding it because one is married, or taking it for granted without respecting where one's partner is at emotionally from a hard day, or whatever...is just pure selfishness. Most people in this generation are selfish and spoiled by a world with little morality. Only a compatible friendship, with a strong physical chemistry , by 2 people who really know who they are themselves, is mature enough to evaluate and choose a good partner. Ladies...choose carefully. Dont give sex to get love...It just gets a guy who loves you because they can get the sex... Men...dont let the tail wag the dog, and value your partner for the person they are.... women use the worthiness system...so you might as well be a good guy, so they have no excuses. NO ONE should feel like it's a performance to be rated. And it would not be used as a weapon or defense tactic if everyone spoke more appreciatively and caring to the person they have chosen. Who better to be kind to, than someone who has chosen you to Love?? If you nurture love, sex will follow, put too much emphasis on sex, and love somehow falls away..like it was only the means to the end, and you are left with a paradign shift. They must be in balance, by being loving to your partner, then no resentments can build.
after 2 marriages and 3kids including a 20yr old, 9yr old & a 6yr old. I know also of one uncle who went thru the same thing. married the first time thinking that cleaning the house, doing the laundry and all kinds of household chores as well as trying the time alone and candles with full body massages and taking care of the kids. the first one leaves thinking that she found something better or more exciting. then the second marriage you find someone who is more set in knowing they want to work things out but, still want to be the typical "lazy" wife that wants everything and more... no wonder guy's start looking at other guy's...or sheep,dog or ducks?
I am an attractive 59 year old female, in my 3rd marriage. We have been together for 7 years. I do believe that the sex drive has changed for me, I can't speak of other women, after menapause. While I was of ERT I was more interested in sex, but now that it is considered "dangerous" to women, I no longer use ERT. I was single for 18 years prior to this marriage and never once missed sex. Then I met my husband when I was 50 and sex was exciting for a while. Now it is a dreaded burden, even though he is considerate, loving, tries to please me, sad to say, I glass of tea and good Bowel Movement is more fulfilling.
First 10 years Tri-Weekly
Next 10 years Try Weekly
Next 10 years Try Weakly
After that live in nostalgia!
There are some interesting points made in these responses. Sex, unfortunately, does breed self-centeredness and selfishness frequently, in both sexes. People change like the days of the week and so do situations, both controllable and uncontrollable. The initial point of 10 reasons why women don't want sex are all legitimate, mostly medical and the fast pace of our society also is a contributing factor. This equally can, and does, effect men as well. For some reason, our society puts a premium on sex. Granted, it is an important aspect in a relationship, but it doesn't have to be the glue to hold the relationship together. Communication and respect is probably the first and most important factors to this topic. But, then again, communication and respect can also be the solution to many of our problems in life.....
Some men like to sneak around w/ other men (down low) and come home and give you the std or even worse.
I know this guy said he had a fantasy about a man w/breast and he still has his penis (transexual) We must becareful ladies we don't know what is own his mind. And guys that are on the down low do not consider themselves as gay/bi-sexual it is just something to check out think about it!!!!!! are we willing to take the risk.I know some gay guys who are very educated and handsome, they tried the marriage, children and even grandchildren but it didn't work, i'm not going to try to figure it out. I'll just let go and let God. We (women) can go a long time w/o sex but some people will die if they hold out a week.
Nothing was said because some men just have only interest in porn and masturbating.Or they are only interested in getting what they want when they have sex,when the woman is only a body anymore to use.As a woman myself sex without intimacy is useless in a relationship.The fault is not always alone in the woman.
Why always talking about sex, sex, sex... not talk about soul??? You have no soul together, sex is only a disaster! I wonder is sex good for health or mood expecially when you do it without soul?
Another question: why married women must have a regular smear test, which means sex definitely affecting women's health.
It's better talking about healthy sex and soul than just sex, sex...
I think you forgot the fact that something may be physically wrong. I have never had an orgasm and have a very healthy psyche (trust me, in an effort to be sure that this wasn't something I could fix as I believe sex is an important part of any successful romantic relationship - I have been with y husband now for 10 years) I went and asked. We went to therapy; I tried yoga, Klegel exercises, etc. Turns out my uterus is tipped severely and my ovaries are very enlarged; we have a major history of female cancers in my family. A tipped uterus causes an abnormal pressure on the cervix with each thrust - it creates a alot of pain. Thus, no orgasms - unless you are twisted and enjoy pain - which I do not. I actually have a low tolerance for pain. I think sex displays a trust that is imperative in a relationship - not just to please one's self as others have stated. We have gotten creative; it is difficult though as oral sex and other things make me feel as though I am in some cheap porno movie. But I lovr him, and because of my physical issues we must compromise. I go in for surgery in a month - to have all of it removed; uterus, cervix, ovaries, tubes. With early signs of trouble, and such an extensivve family history, as a precaution, before I get cancer and go through all that, we are taking it out. 6 weeks flat on my back. 3 months no penetration. But after that, it should not hurt. No more periods spent on the couch crying doubled over with percoset, heating pads and anything else that will kill the pain. I am lucky to have found a man who thoroughly understands and is willing to compromise. Yes, he has an extensive porno collection and an antiquated VCR to watch them on. But we all have needs. We decided quite some time ago that we were not having children. I wonder, in response to the man who says that women are programmed to want sex - if we are not having kids, is it possible that the programming is diminished?
My husband and I have been married close to twenty years. My husband sees sex as a stress releaser. I don't find that with myself. I sometimes feel more anxiety and pressure when he want more frequent sex.
We met in college and had wild sex. We stayed together over the summer. We worked out and ran together and had sex over and over again for hours. Today we have sex about once a week or less. He would like once a day I think, although I don't think he could manage that. I would blame the change mostly on myself. My problem is that I can't get my head to stop running long enough to calm down. I need to relax (zen) to have sex. I know that if he gives me a massage or I have a couple of drinks it helps. I am high strung. I wish that I could be free like we were back then when we met. We had nothing to worry about back then....no cares. Today one of us is always fighting unemployment presently both of us. Throw into the mix the normal womans self image perception issue and all of the other issues and you end up with once a week. We love each other... and we've been through a lot of tough times. I think if life had been better to us we might have a more vibrant sex life. I think constant stress is a killer for my female physiology and when we get together he out of the race too early for me (no control?) this didn't used to be a problem. If we try a second time he often doesn't come.
Obviously sex is a work in progress. We both have had an exciting sex history together I think we just need a tune-up and less financial chaos.
Here's the big issue regarding sex @ my house- my husband goes to work, comes home. lays on the couch. I think that's his idea of foreplay-playing with the buttons on the remote. The only time he helps me with ANYTHING it's followed with a request for "intimate time". We have a 16 yr old with bipolar disorder, a 14 yr old with severe autism and a 7 yr old, I work part time. I "work" from 6 a.m. till 10 p.m. Here's a tip for guys-nothing is sexier than a man that loves his kids and wants to spend time WITH THEM NOT WATCHING THE TV, washing dishes, vacuuming, cooking, all that is considered foreplay. If you ask for sex after helping your partner, it doesn't count. She has sex with you because she loves you and wants you to be happy, so do the same for her!!! Don't expect your wife to beat herself to death all day taking up your slack and be your "partner" in bed when her partner has been "absent" all day. Ultimate calendar for women---hot guys doing housework!!!!
let me give you my top 10 reasons for not..
#1 it's in our genes..we don't need sex to exist
#2 what's in it for us besides a ton of smelly laundry we have to wash..
#3 men have a strond, primal lust for sex, we don't
#4 it's so much less problematic to do it ourselves..even so..we don't want it that often..
#5 women. who truly are crazy about sex are liers, or suffer hormonal imbalances
#6 most tired women would rather sleep..even if the guy threatens divorce..let's hope he walks..
#7 once you have a family, sex becomes appalling
#8 women don't want to be touched, unless they're crazily in love
#9 we only did it at the beginning to please that beast
#10 you really don't like the man anymore..yuk
Marta from Illinois
I am a fit, educated, capable and loving 54 year old woman. I don't feel I have a self esteem problem. I, like a few of the other bloggers am having a problem with competing with porn (internet and other). I HAD a boyfriend and when we first met the sex was fantastic. I felt special to him. As time went on and I found out he was going to the internet to look at other women's sexual body parts I started feeling less and less special to him. Eventually, it completely shut me down. I would wonder which of the women he was thinking of when we were having sex. Women want to feel special and that's very difficult when we are asked to compete with unrealistic pictures and events. How intimate can the act of love making be when there is all that in the bed with a couple.
Ladies, guys don't do housework and don't buy gifts for the family, it's a gal thing. We just have to face that fact. We are the ones who care if the house is clean. We don't fix cars they do. You need to communicate with your partner, they can't read your mind. Women are to embarrased to talk about it so the man gets blamed. At least once a week, just set a side some time, have a glass of wine, doll yourself up which makes you feel good about you, turn off the tv play some music just talk about good times with your partner and let it go from there. Try different things, watch a nasty movie and learn and it will become fun again! Life is short so live it up while you can!
I find myself wondering why we put so much emphasis on sex in the first place. The whole point of a relationship is love and support of each other. The physical part of the relationship should be demonstrating with the body what the heart is feeling. Both men and women should focus on LOVING one another and the sex will likely take care of itself. Putting pressure on one another or ourselves to perform or please is certain to kill the mood. Just my opinion.
My Husband and I have been Married for 28 years and the last 8 years, our sex life went down the tubs because we moved in to a home that had a basement that our son took over. He had so many people comming in and out of the house that I started sleeping in the living room because I wanted to montor the traffic that came. Then he married and moved his wife in and then she had a baby right away which the baby bed was put in the living room and guess who took care of the baby because she couldn't wake up to take care of him. Well, Now the grandson will soon be 4 they have moved out, Husband is now on medication for High Blood Pressure and I am ready for a little action and Husband can't. He doesn't even want me in the bed with him because he says that he has now sleep so long by himself that someone in the bed would be different. I found out that the blood pressure medication that he takes is causing some of his problems and my libido is low because I had a complete Hysterectomy, ovaries and all, 14 years ago. So thats another reason.
I think the number one reason that women don't want sex is because it is simply NOT SATISFYING! So we figure why bother. If it will take more time for us to take off our clothes than the actual act will last. Why bother? When a man thinks that just because you are wet that you are satisfied, he obviously do not know the difference between natural lubrication and an ORGASIM. Why bother? Most men are too selfish to realize that it takes more stimulation for women to reach a climax. Or they are too selfish to put in the time it takes to bring a woman to a climax. Or they don't know where, how, when, or what to touch to make a woman climax. Why bother? It's not that women don't like sex. It's that men don't know how to make it enjoyable! So why bother?
I think that all of us can say that our libido has its ups and downs (excuse the pun!). I have had several male friends complain about their wives' lack of sexual drive. First and foremost men, remember when your girlfriend wanted it? Was it when YOU were on your best behavior? When you opened doors and didn't burp or flatulate in front of her? Also, was it before you let her "take care of you?"
I know from personal experience that if I am having to do everything in the house, I tend to see my husband as a dependent, and that puts him in the same category as my children. I don't feel sexual toward my children, and so I don't feel sexual toward him.
If your wife is stressed, do some extra work around the house! don't do it for one night and think that you'll "get some". Help every night! let her get some extra sleep for a week,clean the house, get the kids to bed, make dinner, pay the bills. Not only will YOUR sex drive decrease because you will be as tired as she is, she'll get some energy back!
Obviously there are as many reasons why women don't want sex as there are women. I am a passionate woman who wants to FEEL loved. Sex is only a small part of that. When he won't touch me for weeks, gets angry is I try to talk to him while he's watching TV, and replies "I don't know why," when I tell him I love him - these all are turn offs. When he ignores me when he's sober, and is only passionate when he's had a couple of drinks, I don't feel special.
Men and women are so different in how they are turned on. I think men are more visual and women are definitely emotional. Seeing a penis doesn't turn me on in the least. Feeling loved and wanted and pretty, OUTSIDE of the bedroom makes me a wild lover. Knowing that he's interested in me as a person, showing me that I matter to him, turns me on. A healthy love life takes work on both parts. Pleasing a woman outside of the bedroom is as important as anything, infact, it doesn't even matter if I have an orgasm, if I know he loves me wholly. I love to give and try new things, when I feel complete. One other thing that hasn't been discussed... I was raped by a friend when I was 17. I got married 2 years later to a man I thought loved me. However, after we were married, he would hang out with the boys and come home drunk most nights. Even then I gave him what he needed, happily... for a while. I started to feel used, worthless, and so many of the feelings I had after the rape, came back. I was completely repulsed by sex. Once he started treating me like he loved me for more than just sex, I started to feel desire again. I think once a woman is in a committed relationship, she needs her emotions satisfied as much or more than her physical being. I think the very biggest problem with lack of desire, on the part of the woman, is due to lack of feeling loved beyond sex. Marriage takes work from both partners... hard work. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but so is everything else. You can't expect your sex life to be a healthy one, when other things are lacking. Communicate, work at it... both partners!
OK, women. I'm a man. I think I know what good foreplay is. But maybe I don't. Describe to me what you mean by "good foreplay".
As I read through that list, I figured out that I suffer from 8 of the ten reasons. I am a 35 year old mother of 4 children. The youngest is 5 months old. I work full time at "work" and full time at "home". My husband I and used to have sex 6 times a week when we were first married. Now its down to twice a week, if he is lucky.
I couldn't care less if I had sex. We also have to limit it to "shower sex" in order to prevent the kids from interrupting. Sometimes, he has a hard time understanding that I am not in the mood, but mostly he does. This understanding is what gets us through this "down" time in our sexual relationship. I know that his understanding and caring means that he values our marriage above his body function, and that in the future, things will get back to a normal rate.
Men, take a look at yourself and see if there is anything you could do in order to help your wife want to have more sex. Don't look at it as her duty to you. Just like the rest of your relationship,your sexual situation needs to be worked on all the time. make your wife feel beautiful,loved,relaxed and wanted. not just in a sexual way, but in all ways. Let her know you value all she is, and all she does and do it ALL the TIME! Let her know that although sex is important to you, her happiness is important too, and once you get her back to a time when she felt younger, more beautiful and more energetic, your sexlife will probably reflect that.
Please keep in mind I am talking about healthy marital relationships. If your marriage is rocky or manic in any way, your sexual relationship will always reflect that.
re: good foreplay.
Well, for me good foreplay is a great back massage, with small kisses on the back of my neck. A very slow progression to the groping. to me, oral sex is not foreplay. Its part of the sex.
Of course, ALL women are different. Ask your wife/girlfriend, she may not always tell you directly, but take cues from her responses, both verbally and physically.
I have to just say that I feel sorry for all of those that have posted they do not enjoy sex. I for one very much do. Maybe it is because I have a husband who is very generous not just in the bedroom but out of it too. Sure there are times I just don't feel like it, and that I REALLY am tired or we have had an arguement (but let me tell you, make up sex can be great too!). My husband and I have a very healthy relationship, physically (about 3 times a week) and emotionally. The key to it has been communication. We talk about everything. He is my best friend and there really isn't anything I don't tell him. (Poor guy even gets to hear about my cramps!) If you don't talk to your partner how are they supposed to know how you feel. Women honestly do like to 'play games' with men, and as a woman, it is REDICULOUS. Say what you're feeling, say what you mean. Don't make them guess. And don't lie. If you don't want to have sex, just say you don't. No excuses. And sometimes, you just gotta give it up even if you don't want to, just out of condsideration. (sometimes even if you don't feel like it, but do it anyway, you acutally end up enjoying it...)
Sure sometimes people let themselves go and attraction fades. But then TALK about it and do something about it instead of using it as an excuse. Granted this hasn't happened to my husband or I yet. (I'm 5'4" and weigh 126 lbs) but we have talked about the effects it would have on eachother and ourselves if it did. So we work out together and eat healthy.
For those that say things that are said during arguements hurt too much to forget and lead to not wanting sex, what is the point of holding onto hurtful words? They are said in the heat of an arguement, and I'd bet that you have said hurtful things too. In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to forgive for these things.
One more thing. Sex should not be a chore. It should be enjoyed equally by both partners. It should not be used as a weapon. Sex is an act of love and is very important to a relationship (regardless of what some have said). It is not just a physical thing, it is also emotional and should not just be to 'please ones self'.
Again, I am sorry for those who don't enjoy it and are having problems with their spouses. The only thing you can do is try to fix it withIN your marriage or relationship. Cheating is WRONG, going outside your relationship is not a solution. It just adds to the problem. If you're that unhappy that you need to hurt the other person that much by going to someone else, then why not just leave the relationship you're in?
Here's to good sex!!
Ok men the answer to this is just masterbate to relieve your self and do in when your wife or girlfriend is there, best to do it in front of them. Thats not cheating or straying from the relationship. Dont have sex with them for a time period just masterbate they will get the picture. If they dont move on to another woman that will have sex with you and forget the ones that wont. This worked for me my girlfriend stoped having sex with me this what I did and it worked now she wants sex every day. I am in my 50s and organ is just like it was in my teens just bigger.
After having three kids the recent being twins the thought of sex is the last thing on my mind. After the duty of breastfeeding is done the last thing a woman wants is another needy person all over them. I think men need to take into account this fact. I agree with the comment about negative feelings. Men get over things quickly and yeah we don't, try to figure out what is wrong and in the long run it will help the sexual relationship.
It takes two to tangle and if both parties are following the beat of the music, then the dance will be spectacular. I love men and I think that they are some of the most fabulous creatures that were ever created on this earth. They come in all kinds of packages just like candy on a shelf (to Quote the song by Tom Jones); and when you get a good one you have scored a jackpot. Both parties can break or make relationship work, sexually or otherwise.
Some of the reasons why women often lose interest in sex are: because the men they marry decide after the marriage to quit bathing, brushing their teeth, cutting their toe nails/finger nails; among other things like shaving before having sex- coarse hair scraping against one's face, neck, etc. is very painful. For me, I like to have a clean smelling man in my bed on fresh clean linens, and that is just a beginning and a GREAT turn on. Who wants to have someone that smells foul laying on top of them. You may as well go and sit by a garbage can of smelly stuff or a stinky public restroom, because that is what stinky feet, breath and stinky underarm and crotch odor smells like. I'd rather live near a slaughter house, a pig farm or a chicken farm, than to have that in my bed.
My reason for for making these statements; my ex had a very nasty habit of not bathing and expected sex. When I expressed my displeasure, he only got worse; playing basketball and not bathing and then coming to bed without bathing and wanting sex, when I refused after explaining myself and he just didn't give a damn, I moved to the sofa, concentrated on my kids and would only make some overture for sex when he would bathe every once in a while, which disgusted me anyway. However, I got involved because I wanted to have a marriage, even though it was unfulfilling and empty.
Many women get into relationships and then do not take care of themselves either and this can turn a man off also. If both parties care, then they would first take care of themselves in the way that pleases them and their partner, and this will most likely create and provide an atmosphere for dynamic sexual encounters that both parties can enjoy mutually almost every time. What many couple do in their relationships is to make every intimate encounter culminate into a "roll in the hay." This diminishes the warmth between two loving parties and creates a wall because each overture of a kiss or hand holding has to lead to full on sexual intercouse. We as women and men need to appreciate each other outside of a sexual encounter, without resorting to "wham bam" each time we come together. Why can't there be petting today and petting and intercourse tomorrow? Think about it fellows and ladies!
I endured a dirty, nasty, degrading and disgudting relationship that got ever worse over a period of 27+ years, and getting out has been the best thing that has ever happened in my life; only one thing left to do: GET A GOD DAMNED DIVORCE from the asshole.
women try too hard to please men, try to change them, and that's impossible! women are not honest and should tell men the truth about themselves even if it hurts their feelings. so women go along with whatever a man wants, get frustrated and unhappy, and take it out on themselves. men had mothers and their mothers should have raised them properly, able to take care of themselves without giving that responsibility to women. a woman's job is to raise and take care of children, not men. this is a sexual turn-off for me. if i have to pick up a man's dirty underwear, clean up after him, i don't find him sexually attractive any longer. i love sex, and will search for that someone to give me what i want. and i won't have to clean up behind this person!
How very sad and selfish some of these comments are. If there are problems with a sexual relationship, then deception, games and emotional blackmail are the last things that will cause a meaningful "fix" to the problem.
It only compounds it. If a relationship is based on "mutual"
L-O-V-E and R-E-S-P-E-C-T..... even when things are a little slow in the bedroom due to life's physical and mental stresses/ .... there can be a different kind of fulfillment there. And , If you show respect and patience when things "aren't" perfect.. You WILL have the lover that you want for life , who only desires to please you, and who quite frankly succeeds in that.. Because you understood them in their moments of weakness.. AND you still chose to stand by them and love them for "who" they were/are.. Not because of how many times they "put-out" for you, or "got it right"!
-- Let's give each other a break shall we adults????----
p.s.- Any one who has to mention the large size of their body parts..... confirms to everyone reading that they aren't!!!
I think sex on a regular basis improves our relationship, it keeps us close and we get along better when we're having it on a regular basis. The issues we have are me, I was sexually abused as a child, raped at 20 and fought my own dad off at 16. Add about 4 other reasons from the list. Plus being a stay at home, homeschooling mom of 3, who handles everything. It's not that I don't want to, I feel better, sleep better and we get along better when we do. But by the time I get kids in bed and we have alone time, I'm exhausted and the ruptured disc in my lower back is sending sharp pains down my legs. A lot of times I just don't feel like having it be a long drawn out all night deal, and he gets annoyed.
Great top 10 insights... Been happily married 26 years and have experienced hot sex, good sex... all the way to no sex (temporarily). Women are very much differently than men! We need to 'learn' who are mate is - as a person - and really care for them! When we can lay our lives down (including ignoring our raging hormones - yes you CAN do it!) then we can demonstrate some true love and help our wife in their emotional/physical/caring needs. It means a tremendous amount to them!
So make a very big decision - to care - to love - to understand - irregardless of the quantity or type of sex one receives. Good loving will come, as we invest into our wives. Still enjoying our love life immensely & frequently!!!
50 year old masturbator. In 50 years, you couldn't figure out how to talk to your girlfriend?
If she really has responded to your "displays", it's lucky you have her. I doubt anyone else'll have you.
After reading the majority of these posts, I feel truly blessed. My husband is very attentive in the bedroom AND other places. I suffer from 6 of the 10 reasons that are listed in this and we went from having sex 6 to 7 times a week to just once a week after the birth of our son. A lot of my resistance comes from the changes that pregnancy has left me with and my self image regarding that and the fact that we live with his parents. (Fortunately, we will be moving out in the near future but nonetheless a very stressful situation. The two of us would rather work!!) My husband has always been very attentive and is very much into foreplay. I am usually the one that wants to "just get down to business". And he ALWAYS makes sure that I get off first before he finishes. But most importantly WE DISCUSS OUR LIKES AND DISLIKES. We try to keep it interesting. A lot of women in this blog seem to be bored or no longer attracted their respective partners. I agree with the other person that said that sex is not a chore, but an act of love between you and your partner. I feel bad when he wants sex and I am too tired from a night up with the boy or a bad day at work or anything else that keeps me from being aroused. I have had all of these blood tests because I enjoy sex with my husband and would like to have the urge as much as he does. Unfortunately, I feel that being on BC and not getting anywhere as much sleep as I used to has a lot to do with it. But we communicate about it- and I think for the most part, he understands. I feel so bad for you women that no longer find yourself attracted to your husbands or enjoy being with them sexually. This is why we were created with a voice. I think it's time that you used it.
I think the problem is just that guys want a quick fix thinking we can get to where they are just as quickly, but that's not true...why do you think women love to make out with their bfs or husbands? It gets them more excited and by the time they reach the bedroom they're actually ready. I know that's how it is for me, gets the blood rushing so to speak. And as far as not having it as often, I don't know if it from my diabetes or its just me, but afterwords I feel sick and like I wanna throw up, don't get me wrong, in the moment its great, I guess I just feel sick afterwards, though i don't know why..heh. Either way, it's not like sex is absolutely needed, I mean, C'mon! We NEED food, we NEED water, we NEED air! Sex was made first and foremostly to procreate, not to please one's self
over the years, I have definitely noticed an increase in my sexual desires. granted, I do suffer occasionally from either number 4 or 5, but never at the same time. however, it's never been to the point where I find myself going for long periods of time with no sex. I have been married for 5 years and my husband and I have 3 wonderful children. I would say that we are completely sexually compatible because he gives me what I want and need and vice versa. However, I do know of some men who are all about receiving, but not too keen on giving.
Before my husband, I was involved with this man, who was very blessed in terms of size and knew how to work it, however, he had a tendency to be selfish. I would always give him oral pleasure, which I don't mind doing, however, reciprocity was sporadic. I would get oral satisfaction from him about once a month. In addition, he wasn't big on kissing or foreplay in general, unless it was being done to him. See? Selfish. So, I think this is a huge obstacle that men have to overcome regardless of whether they are in a relationship or single. Unlike men, women aren't always on auto-pilot and don't get aroused at the drop of a dime. Like others have said, intercourse in and of itself is not enough. we need FOREPLAY - BEFORE, thus FOREplay. Our level of desire depends on so many things and men have to understand that there are times when sex is the last thing on our minds.
I am a 65 year old woman. I have been through two marriages. One lasted 4 years produced two kids, and the other lasted 26 years. I have been single ten years. These are the best years of my life. Sex was never satisfying or fun for me. It was always a chore and something I had to clean up after. I think all men get married not for love, but so they can have a maid, cook, and source of on demand sex. How great to be free of all that and really enjoy my life. I will never be a servant again. I spend time with friends and never fear them wanting or demanding anything from me.
Reason number 12, No longer attracted to your partner.
I highly recomend "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Intamacy". It' like a peak into the locked room of the male mind. My husband says that it's pretty accurate.
I am a 46 year old woman who still loves sex with mt husband of 17 years. I feel that if you have lost the zest in the bedroom, then you need to check out your relationship. Be open and try new things. Do what ever you are comfortable with. Alot of the negative people probably started out HOT in the lovemaking department. Sure we all get tired and need our sleep. But I sure can sleep better after good sex. Get your relationship back on track and your sex life will follow
I'am a male wich two years ago got a vesectomy. at 40 sex is out of this world! I am glad I did this. I wounder if your parners get vesectomies would help your sex drive.
Okay ladies,
Here is my scenario. I am a male, 37 years young, married with 3 children ages 7, 6 and 3. I work a 12 hour day shift and when I come home I help with the laundry, help with the dishes, take out the trash and help with the kids home work. My wife works a part time job as a waitress and usually goes to work when I am getting home. She gets home around 3 A.M. and I am usually awake when she gets home and although I am not pressuring her to have sex with me, I cuddle and tell her how much I love her and all she can say is I am to tired. The last time we had sex was 3 weeks ago and that was on a weekend. I am clean, bathe sometimes twice a day, considred attractive (at least that is what I am told by some of my female friends) and am starting to think I should start looking for something on the side. I need sex especially love oral, both giving and receiving.I love my wife but unless things change soon I will be tempted to take a mistress on the side. To be honest with you I don't think my wife would care one way or another. What is a healthy male supposed to do? Are we always at fault? Where have I gone wrong?
Wife has never loved sex as far as I know. I think it is a religious hangup that sex is not right and dirty and she does not want to enjoy it. her sister and mother were the same way. They used the excuse that sex was sin and it permeates in all of the women in her family. You can't change a mind that does not want to be changed. But still married to the same woman for 50 plus years with 3 children, 7 grandchildren and 4 great-grandchildren. What more can I say?
I think women are like a painting.SEX should be as so. You start out with a blank canvase fill in the mood with the paint brush. Women are not like the hi broad ban inter net or a starting up a car. Men spend more time with the fantasy foolball stats then how to be crative with women.
know where most of the women are coming from because I have been there and conquered it. I've also read enough about men to know that they require more sex than we do. If we could have orgasims as quickly as they do we would want it as much. Sex is a mental thing and women seem to have the weight of the world on them all the time. We cannot release our brains long enough to enjoy sex. Also a problem is the part of us that needs stimulating is very seldom in play during normal sex. If you have a wonderful husband like I do, and if he knows anything about a womens' body, he will know this. Mine use to satisfy me with his mouth or hands until one day we decided to use a vibrator that we had heard about thru a Plaboy article. It was wonderful and allowed us to reach orgasims together. We have explored many different ways to use it for pleasure and I never tire of him wanting me anymore because I want him as much. I also can reach multiple orgasims this way. You have to want to please yourself and your husband and try new things to keep the excitement. We just had our 35th anniversary last week and we spent it at a
famous U.S. Inn and Spa. He
always wants to do nice things for me because I keep him happy.
20 years still going strong. I buy my wife flowers twice a month. I always say thank you for dinner. I always unlock the car door and open the door. I hold her hand in public. I wisper in her ear I love you in public. how old do you all think I am.
I think men should know how to cook. I always enjoy a good wine during dinner.The sex is nice. How old am I.
Ladies..stop blaming the guys for all of your problems, granted some of the points are quite valid(like the hygene thing)... but really many/most of us guys are attentive, helpful, into foreplay, kissing,"GOING DOWN" .. I personally love it. Suggest some of you need to step back, take a breath and relax, you would be amaized at the result. So many women seem to be constantly stressed about EVERYTHING and of course pass their stress on to their partners(bitching). MAYBE your guys loss of interest in you is the constant balme and bitching...it takes a toll on you and eventually you just want to be left alone with the remote. Its NOT only about you and your needs. It may surprise you to know that us guys have needs too other than just sex, find out what you man needs and you may just be surprised at how much you get in return
To the guy who says he needs sex, and is thinking about an affair to get what he needs, WHY DO MEN NEED "AND I EMPHASIZE NEED" SEX? i think women dont consider it a need, at least it is not high on my priority list. My childrens health and well being, work, the house, and all comes with being a mom is most important. Personally for me, a man that acts so needy for sex is a huge turn off! "will your penis explode if you dont have your needs fulfilled?" Men, if your women do not want to have sex with you, than maybe there is something wrong in the relationship, or maybe sex isnt the most important thing for her?
I wonder if all these women let the men have a stag party before they got married?
When I was in college I had sex with three women at once. So if my wife said no sex tonight I remeber the three women say one women can't
my wife just need a some time off.
I'm 47 been married 2 yrs, second marriage. my husband works but thinks his days off are for running around doing fun things for him. I work as a adult foster care manager in my home so am working basically 24-7-365 so I My idea that he should help me around the house once in a while always causes a big fight. He works usually four to five days a week 2 to 11pm and comes in around 1AM and expects me to want to stay up while he eats and watches tv to unwind and then wants sex at around 2AM. and all I want is quiet and sleep. so we argue all the time he spends money like it grows on trees he thinks no one works as hard or is ever as sick as he is. He is not even the same man I married, the man I married used to love cleaning house with me and making passes at me while we worked it was exciting and felt naughty, now it feels like extra work
After reading all these entries, it would seem most people are having marriage problems and not sex problems.
All the things that women have said.... like "my husband is selfish, he doesn't help around the house, he doesn't help with the kids, he doesn't help with dinner, etc." All these are legitimate issues, ESPECIALLY if both of you work. My wife and I both work, have young kids and if one of use just "checked out" when we got home and expected the other to just "handle it", I suspect we would be at each others throats all the time. To all my fellow men I say.... help with the chores, help with kids baths, help with laundry. If you do, your wife with have more time and more energy to do other things.... hopefully to you.
To women that say I am never aroused or never have an orgasm because the man doesn't know what he is doing AND you will not tell him. This is your fault. Constantly tell him what you want and what you need. None of this "After three or four times, he should know" stuff. Tell him what to do when you are NOT in bed, NOT in the "moment". Men and dumb about a lot of things. We have to be told over and over and over. It may damage his ego to find out he is not doing what it takes in bed, but I tell you what, for me anyone, NOTHING is a bigger boost to my ego than making my wife's head spin in bed. So... it may hurt the ego in the beginning, but in the end it will be a bigger boost.
Now... IF the man helps around the house to create more time for sex and IF he is also an attentive partner that wants and enjoys satisfying you and you still are having trouble with desire, this is when you might want to seek professional help. He might be medication you are taking or a hormone imbalance or something like that. But sex is important to be really happy in your marriage, you need to work out whatever medical issues you might have.
One more suggestions to women. Every once and a while, just jump your husband. Not once a week or anything, but just once and a while surprise him. If you are watching a show, every now and then just get up, walk over and give him oral. Or sometime when he has no reason to expect it, initiate sex. You have know idea how appreciate a good man will be when YOU make to effort and pursue US.
The payoff can be great.
I was married to my first husband for ten years, and now to my second for a happy six years. For the record I wanted sex more often in my first marriage, and would enjoy having it more often in my second.
An interesting point made in a clinical psychology journal a few years ago that might clarify why so many women or men write about having problems is that generally speaking, happily married couples do not participate in sex surveys. So the healthy relationships are not factored into the results.
I think one of the problems is that men tend to think that if they are nice to you for a 1/2 an hour before sex, then you will want to have sex. It doesn't work that way gentlemen. You have to treat us with love and respect (that means helping out around the house) all the time, not just when you want to have sex. We can usually catch on to that pattern pretty quickly and know that it is just fake.
And for the man who doesn't see this as a "joint" problem, then I would suggest you leave. All problems in a marriage involve both parties - not just one (i.e. if a man has ED, you wouldn't expect your wife to find satisfaction elsewhere would you?) Try some empathy and love instead of be so self-centered.
I am a sufferer of chronic pain. Needless to say, my sex drive isn't all that great, but after discussing it with my husband, he now understands that it doesn't have anything to do with him most of the time - he has learned that it isn't about his ego, it is about my physical limitation. I think a mans ego gets in the way - somehow there is an sex to love correlation. This correlation is not true for women most of the time.
I gets really old to constantly wish that your husband would pay better attention to you. It hurts our feelings and it makes us not want to have sex. Men are from mars, women are from Venus would be a good investment for many of the messages on this blog.
Women, you sould be ashamed in the fact that the vast majority of you making comments referred to the fact that husbands or partners didn't get sex due to the fact that they didn't contribute to the upkeep of the house. Ok, that's understood since it equates to you desiring payment for sex. For some reason that sounds like a prostitute. Comments and thoughts like that have brought you to that level. Of course, the other issue involves the fact that prior to marriage you want it all the time and then as soon as we say "I do" you say "I don't." Don't lead us on like that and men, quit letting them control you through sex. Women, it is hard to believe you don't understand why your spouses cheat on you and it is due to those aforementioned reasons. The easiest way to solve all this is for the men to purchase one of those artificial $7000.00 love dolls and that would correct everything. Sure that's a lot of money but it's cheaper than a divorce or the emotional issues involved in cheating plus there is no risk for disease.
Women, haven't you noticed that after sex, the man changes? Haven't you noticed it makes him feel loved? We, men, look at it as a bonding and it lets us know we are still attractive. Don't give us this excuse of housework or if you want variety, talk to us. Don't be so stupid and don't lower yourselves to the levels of the "p" word.
Regards,
A Doctor in Korea
During the first year, awesome sex everywhere...in the kitchen, on the floor, in the laundry room...
After 3-5 years, so-so sex...mostly in bed.
After 10 years, hall sex...while passing each other..."F*** you"..."no, f*** you!
If you dont have sex for a period of time, your desire for sex will inevitably decrease. Make the effort to have sex every other day and you will want it every day!! Another sure fire way to cure the low desire is to host a women's only party where you can buy all kinds of "toys" and lotions to liven up your love life!! Believe me - I have two kids, a hectic schedule and am not a newlywed, but I am planning my evenings as soon as I wake up!! :)
--Put down the remote and pick up the lotions!!
for my relationship, it is partly because his belly grew bigger than his thing. He wants oral sex with a stinky butt, I think not! Ive repeatedly told him nicely to wash it 5 or 6 times, he doesnt have a clue. I also agree the hurtful names cause a lot of damage, who wants to be intimate with the jerk who earlier said whatever he felt like and then expects his woman to be hot for him. I cook, clean, take care of this man, I also work 2 jobs, but he never does a thing around the house except once in a great while. He also cant understand why I want to go to bed at 9 am when I get up at 430 am. I love him but dont like sex with him. i did dress up for him a sexy outfit once and he called it a whore outfit and now doesnt understand why i dont want to do it again. i couldnt tell him this so thanks for letting me have my say in this matter.
I hardly think a woman wanting help with the kids and housework constitutes his payment for sex from her. It has to do with the fact that most women work full time jobs... and quite frankly, I don't know too many stay at home mom's who punch a clock. Our jobs are never done. When our child needs us, we don't get to tell them, I'm off the clock, sorry. When the man helps around the house it shows her that he cares, sets a good example for the children AND frees up time for her to spend with him! If the wife wanted it all the time before you were married and doesn't after, maybe it's because you didn't have kids before, or she didn't have to work full time outside of the home and then full time at home picking up after a very capable adult. If your idea of love and fidality is getting sex so you don't stray, then you shouldn't have gotten married. Sex is a bonus... that's all. It's not a right and it's not a given in marriage. The truth is, men see sex as an everything fixer. If they have a bad day, sex will make it better, if they had a fight, sex will make it better, if the kids are driving you crazy, sex will make it better. Women are not like that. Sex doesn't fix everything for us. Sometimes we need to talk, sometimes we HAVE to tend to the kids, or the bills, or the job. We actually only need a few things to truly sustain us... sex is NOT one of those things. What a sad, sad world we live in when we think that sex is love.
I have been in a 13 year relationship, and I am now 29. My boyfriend has no interest in me. I love sex, I am attractive, multiorgasmic, and enjoy performing oral sex. He claims he is always afraid of pregnancy; I have been on the pill, but he fears I will not take it properly. There is always an excuse. Sometimes I feel that if men have what they think they want they are intimidated. So I would like to know the top 10 reasons men do not want sex!!!
Thank you to the gentleman who mentioned hysterectomy. My husband and I have had a great sex life....often and with passion....until I had my hysterectomy 3 years ago. Since then while I still enjoy oral sex with him, penetration hurts. To make matters worse, I have developed an incontinence problem because of "mistakes" during surgery. I love my husband dearly and he loves me, and understands and accepts my incontience problem and says it doesn't bother him. But it bothers me more than he will ever know. How I would love to be able to make love with "foolish abandonment" like we did in our younger years!! But if that if not possible, then we will do what we have to do to satisfy each other...be it oral or hands on, or with toys. He does for me and I do for him....I thought that's what love was all about?!
Both men and women have needs, when a man marrys, he has decided that he will work with his wife in decisions (including when to have sex)and should try in all his power to help his wife understand his needs (including trying different things like scheduling time together, that may lead to more intimate moments). He doesn't have a right after marriage to seek sex elsewhere just because he can't get it from his wife 7 times a week. THe 10 reasons are very valid...I, myself, fit two of those categories, but since my husband talks to me intimately about his needs, I just decide that I am going to make him feel good..we do schedule time to be together and just talk, before long, we are having passionate love...for those who feel they need to seek it elsewhere when their wife is "not putting out", then they are the ones needing help...they are sex addicts and don't realize it! Think about it!
I haven't read all the blogs so I'm not sure anyone has mentioned this. Here is my reason for not wanting sex. Its because I am required to have it at least everyother day because my husband says he needs it at least that often or my husband feels he is frustated and has the right to be mean and hurtful to me. If I do some how manage to get an extra night off I get to hear about how I don't put out, such a loving term. ALthough I do occasionally enjoy sex, most nights its a chore. His excuse for not trying to get me in the mood is that according to him I'm never in the mood so why should he try. I also think my being on the pill has some thing to do with my lack of desire but he refuses to get a vasectomy and after 4 kids I'm not willing to risk getting pregnant again. Sex is the main thing we fight about. I wish I had a husband who realized that the way he treats me has a huge affect on whether or not I'll be interested in sex. I'm sick of the meaness.
Okay, this was insightful. I am in total agreement. I had almost 7 or 10 of those things happening with me. My ex and I just divorced in March- we realized we hadn't had sex in 3 THREE years! I am a nurse, worked night shift, new daughter, breast fed for the first year, gained weight, antidepressants used and attempted, was on Depo Provera= bad stuff! then the pill, and patch. It is unfortunate that we lost sight of the intamacy because really, honestly, without sex, it is difficult to feel close to your partner. You need the connect mentally, physically to be a happy couple- if your still married.... please heed my words of advice--- Don't let it slip away.
By the way... the more you do it, the more you want it. The more you exercise the healthier the sex drive!
im 38 and my husband is 46years old
he is a very lousy lover always have been ive tryed talking to him
buying movies,toys,pills ect:
nothing works im so frustated i cry
to him about this (what dose he do)
pick up a book start reading it or
get up walkout the room leaving me
in pain-unhappy but he feels good
eventhough he's lousy i keep trying
because i love him if he dose oral
he makes it hurt to the point i dont want him to do it at all
there's no foreplay he dont hold an
erection for no more then 5mins
this makes me feel alone-hollow
HELP!!!
I think it really depends on the individual when it comes to stress decreasing a womans' sex drive because for me that's when I want it more.
On the hand, if my partner and I had an argument at which time he did say something to hurt my feelings then of course it is going to affect how "turned on i get" because I might still be thinking about it, especially if we didn't really talk about it but instead kinda brushed it under the carpet.
Scientist have proven that a recently found enzyme can curb a woman's libido after marriage. The enzyme has yet to be named but could be predominantly found in wedding cake.
I am 58 and my husband is 60. Now that we don't have any kids at home and a lot of worries our sex life is a lot better. It is difficult for us women when we have to wear so many hats when we are young. Often we don't get much help from our husbands or partners. Who feels like sex when you have ro run yourself ragged all day!?
Now I have read the majority of these blogs and I feel that the other women either are not in touch with their bodies or I am the exception to the rule! Two of my previous partners before my marriage were "minute men". So I learned to know how to move and manipulate the "encounter" so that I received pleasure, usually 2-3 times in five minutes.
Now that I am with my husband- a very caring and attentive man in the bedroom(living room, kitchen,car, etc.)orgasm is no problem. Lets say that there are ways to please a woman that result in multiple pleasures that it is absolutely unmistakable that she has reached climax.
Granted, we have known each other for 12+ yrs and have been intimate for the last 8+ years, so there isn't very much that is secret about the other. And we are very open with each other about what the other wants. And even with the EXTREMELY SATISFYING sexual relationship, there are times that I as a working woman, wife, mother am to tired for our sexual romps. But you have to make exceptions some times and you have to understand the situation your partner is coming from. We aren't nearly as active as we used to be (or as often as he would like, i.e., everyday) but we still make it work and have a very pleasurable sexual relationship. There is no reason to stop having sex unless it is painful- indicating that there is something wrong. There are multiple reasons for both men and women to be unresponsive to sex, but if the partner is caring and understanding, then there is no reason that a compromise can not be reached. Honesty, communication and understanding are the BEST aphrodisiacs!!
Although there is an underlying issue involved with my wife's lack of sexual desire, nonetheless, most men, and, I would hope women, consider romance, sex and love to be three sides of the same coin.
If one is forced to quell the desire for one, the others suffer too. Why would I, after three years of involuntary celibacy , put myself into a situation that could, under other circumstances, lead to intimacy and maybe sexual intimacy, when I know that it is not going to? All I am doing is torturing myself and hurting myself all the more.
Consequently, I have given up trying.
So, for those women (and men) that only see that this is a sex issue and not a love issue or a relationship issue, think again. We are sexual creatures and, despite the protestations from some of the more shrill posters on here, we do have a need for sex and intimacy. Of course, it is not a primary need like food or air, but it is nonetheless a need. Men and women. So the only people you are deluding by this bs is yourselves.
If you have issues with your partner and/or their bedroom behaviour, you owe it to yourselves to work it out rather than just enduring it or ending the sexual aspect of your relationship. We need that sexual and intimate aspect as human beings in order to remain close. And quite possibly, if the sex is gone or going, it is indicative that other aspects of the relationship is gone or going too. It's all downhill from there.
I have been married for 14 and a half years and had ups and downs..
After the birth of children, I had a decreased sex drive but never failed to please my husband during those times. We have always accommodated each other..because we love one another.
There may be those who feel christianity is out of date, but there have been some basic Bible principles that the two of us have applied that has kept our marriage happy and adultery free.. Ephesians 13:4-8..is the definition of love...
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres..Love never fails.
This principle has kept me from making mistakes many times..but should one or both of us mess up, we always forgive one another and don't throw our mistakes in each other's faces.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5...principles on sex..
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and each woman her own husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time..Then come together again so that satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Whether you believe in satan or not is immaterial, the fact is..if you refuse to have sex with your spouse, he or she WILL be tempted to do it elsewhere.
My huband and I have given people advice on the two things that help keep our marriage strong and intimate..1) NEVER go
to bed angry..even if you're up until 3 o'clock in the morning. 2)Communication..we talk, talk, talk without interrupting the other. We feel it is important to be honest about our feelings and avoid judging the other, all the while trying to come up with a compromise.
There ARE good women and good men out there..it is difficult to find them because we live in such a self-serving, self-centered, and hedonistic society.
You can find them though if you don't rush your choices and you really evaluate your compatibility BEFORE you say "I DO".
A comment on the last comment with all the bible verses. Those are all well and good, but what if you can not come to a decision about staying apart. There can be good reason for keeping a man away from your vagina if you're just not feeling it at the moment. Any temptation to stray by your partner just shows that the partner is selfish. We shouldn't force ourselves to give something we don't want to. Sometimes it will take time to figure out what the problem is, and that is no ones fault. It kind of seems like a bad idea to stay up till 3 am if you can not figure out just why you're not interested. That doesn't leave very much energy for the next day to try to work things out. What does the bible define as "marital duty" If we're allowing a book to tell us that we should just do something that we don't feel right about we're doing more harm than good to our bodies. I don't think those verses go into too much detail, and they don't help much to understand the situation. It just talks about obligation which doesn't make anyone feel much sexier. If it works for you, great. My boyfriend and I know eachother very well and are at a standstill as far as sex now for health reasons. I found it to be a blessing because that gave me a chance to concentrate less on sex and more on us without sex. I haven't been feeling great about sex because I'm worried about our plans for marriage. I've been reading a book called "Lies at the Altar" that is great for advice on dealing with problems with your boyfriend/husband/wife that have everyone feeling less sexual at times. I had a talk with my boyfriend that I felt was the first time I have been truly honest. It helped me feel more encouraged about us, and our future together. I'm sure that will help sex when we're able to have it again.
I think that hormone changes have not been mentioned sufficiently. I married my husband of 50's in my late 40's. We are now in our 60's and 50's. He has gone through my 'change of life' with me... and we did not marry with a focus on sex, but had alright sex. We're grown-ups - we can see other values coming first, like loving living together and doing things together. Yet sex is important. However, things get more difficult with age: he has less testerone as the years pass, and I had the sudden loss of estrogen. For me, a solution was diet: plant estrogens from soy milk and avocado - lots more vit-mins., exercise & advice - helped me over the hump of hot flashes and lack of interest. Anti-depressants affect libido also - but are good for growing orientation and recall difficulties, and yet with practice, and lots of sleep, I take a mild anti-dep, and we have a nice time sexually and regularly enough. He also has had changes - stiffness of the skin - it is important to see the doctor about this type of thing, get cream or other advice. Lubricants are a must, and toys are more attractive as one ages since one's sexual drive 'points' move a bit. Nothing kinky - just the truth here. FYI: a good Time mag. article a couple years ago on this topic.
i definitely have a huge fear of intimacy because of huge scars from the past. i would like to get couseling or therapy, but i have no insurance. I am in a relationship, but i have no desire to have sex, and i'm not very affectionate. I know it's not him, because i don't feel that way with anyone.
Being taken for granted is a huge turn-off. In contrast, walking the talk is a huge turn-on.
Don't tell me you love me, then watch me cut the lawn after working on my feet all day, then preparing dinner.
If you say that you're not a handyman, that may be honest, but that doesn't mean you can't TRY to fix something, or figure out a way to help me get it fixed.
Don't fix your plate and go sit down
to your dinner when the kids have not yet been served their meal.
If you truly love me, you will put me first, as I do you.
It's humiliating as a single mother, working woman who is self supporting, to end up having a slacker 'boyfriend.'
I'd rather be alone.
Treat your woman like the princess she deserves to be, then maybe you will be worthy of having sex with her.
Otherwise, grow up or do without.
Long story well, Long...I too am a recently married attractive, thin 27yr old w/little to no sex drive for most of every month. My husband is wonderful, but I do feel like he is being deprived of sex he should be experiencing w/a wife he loves & is attracted to. I had what can only be labled as a "nervous breakdown" when I was around 25 & everything I went thru emotionally that year was a complete nightmare. My husband & I had only been together for about 3 months during this time & while I was on cloud 9 w/him, a change in job location (my preference) proved to be a complete disaster. Well, the 2 opposite stresser (one good one bad) did not mix and during what must have been a PMS driven mood swing, I started an argument that devastated my mind emotionally & my body physically. Soon after clinical depression set in. After battleing the unknown (I had never known this type of depression existed) for a solid year with both therapy (a waste of money, they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know) & the use of medication (scared the hell out of me, I barely take asprin for headaches) I came to a point where I am able to enjoy things almost as I used to w/out any medication (I stopped it afer about 7 months) & I don't feel like I'm going to go crazy anymore. My husband was there for me the whole time w/nothing less than a supportive & caring attitude, but I don't think the sex and attraction we once shared will ever return to what it was in the beginning. I know from experience that in any relationship of mine it has been hot & heavy in the beginning turning to lukewarm over time, but there was always that comfortable stage that I was able to ease into. This time around I got screwed royaly & the one paying the price is my wonderful husband. So for me, not wanting to have sex doesn't feel like a choice, but more of an imprisonment in a body that refuses to produce hormones that spark desire. Testosterone levels test fine & we have no children between us. Birth control also played a major part in lack of desire, but since going off of it months ago, still no bang in the bedroom or any other room for that matter! So, I sympathize w/those like me who cannot seem to force their bodies to become physically aroused more than those who are just not interested or think the grass might be greener on the other side. Also, it's not just a mental battle, so why can't science seem to come up w/a solution to help w/this problem for women if they can create a viagra for men?
Someone told me once that bad sex is better than no sex...boy, was that person wrong! Maybe reason 11 is that hubby needs to learn how to treat a woman. One more thing, just because a man has an erection doesn't mean he knows how to use it.
Just an FYI for all (and for the last comment): Researchers are working on a "Viagra" for women. It is a nasal spray. The problem is that it will not be available for a couple of years. They seem to be getting a good result with lab rats. I believe the researchers expected it to be available to the public by 2008-2010.
Does anyone care about this when they are old? You bet. The problem many times is medication. Always told my daughters not to "sleep around" before getting married because what you don't know won't bother you later when all these problems occur. I may have been wrong.
gee wiz! if it weren't for the sprinkling of positive comments it would have been a drag to have read through this! not because of those people sharing their less-than-sunny experiences in general, but because it sounds like most of the couples represented in the comments don't even LIKE eachother.
in fact it sounds like a lot of long term couples out there really dislike one another but go on living together year after year...
when a guy complains because he's not 'getting it' from his wife often enough, that she should 'put out more', or that she shouldn't 'withold sex' because he isn't helping out with the dishes and house work it just sounds like totally disconnected strangers who have no respect for one another at all placing demands on their parteners...or like sex is some gross in&out mechanical thing like releasing pressure on a valve so it doesn't blow...no WONDER a lot of parteners aren't wanting to subject themselves to that sort of degradation. women, also, complaining that they have been married to the same incommunicative slob for the last 20 years, i mean COME ON! if you don't love him what are you still there for? you are not the only person you are making miserable by insisting upon staying the victim of a loveless relationship. if that is the way you think about the person you are spending your life with then maybe you are part of the reason he has become such an unreasonable slob in the first place.
life is so SHORT! why not put loving and happiness before bitter dull security? or at least stand up and take responsibility for your decision if you have chosen security over love.
what is so scarry about talking about sex? isn't this person your lover? shouldn't they also be a loving caring interested friend as well?
Some people think sex is the be all and end all of a relationship.It does hurt! If you dont have the friendship before the sex then when the sex ends as it does you have nothing but an empty shell of a relationship. I have been used and dumped when I have served the purpose of the relationship!from there point of view, so I have decided to remain single and revert to self gratification as I don't feel able to trust a relationship anymore and at 51 cant see the point.
One of the things I've noticed is how biased people can be. It's not hard to figure out who the anonymous men vs women are. I will start by saying I am a 22 year old male college student and I don't claim to know everything about sex. However I think one mistake that people make is by assuming that men and women are soooooo different. We are more alike than we assume. There is a difference between "SEX" and "SEX APPEAL". The difference is pretty simple: CONFIDENCE. I found it interesting that someone said that women are trying to be a guy's superwoman but guess what...men want to be their woman's superman too. It's not a male ego thing or a female ego thing...its just a human being ego thing. We're all wired like that. Ok ladies, if your man made a list of 1000 things that he just loves about you but the list ended saying that you were "bad in bed" or "not attractive" it would definitely mess with your confidence and the same for men. No matter how many good qualities we have we all want to be "good in bed". There are various reasons why people lose or lack confidence. A very common one is this infamous thing known as cheating. I have been the cheater as well as I have been cheated on. Now I don't have any numbers but I think its safe to say that most people will have their hearts broken by someone you really love at least once in life and ladies you guys are not the only ones that get cheated on. After all the anger of being cheated on subsides most people want to know one thing....Why??? I'll bet that 9 out of 10 people will come to one conclusion..."Maybe it me or something I did or didn't do". You may not say that out loud but subconsciously thats how we feel. Now I have never had any trouble in bed until after getting cheated on. I went from a 30-40 min man to 5 minutes at the most...not because I just somehow forgot what to do or I didn't find the girls attractive but because on the inside I was suffering from a lack of confidence...which many people try to hide on the outside. That phase lasted for maybe 5 or 6 months and it wasn't until I had a chance to really sit down and let everything out to a good friend (female) of mine and get a womans point of view that I was able to let it go and get back to my good old self haha. My guess is that there are a lot ofe people who are still suffering from incidents that have happened in the past and if there are problems with sex it first starts with a lack of sex appeal which is probably because of a lack of confidence. As I said after I got cheated on I didn't just forget what I already knew but I just lost my sex appeal or "mojo" for all you Austin Power fans...simply put I just didn't feel sexy. Before I felt and acted like the stud and after I became timid and unsure of myself. Now this is not to say that everyones problems is because you were cheated on, it could be something else but for me thats what it was for me. The truth is men want to be superman as much as women want to be superwoman (in the bedroom that is). The thing is you guys have to be able to talk about these things. No 2 women are alike and vice versa. I have had girls climax 2 or 3 times within 15 minutes and I have had girls not climax at all in 30 minutes. What works for one person will not work for all. Many people play the sex game like they do the lottery...you play and you just hope you win. Women date guys and "hope" they are good in bed. Men do the same "hoping" that they will please this woman. Women end up being with 10 guys and are lucky if 1 or 2 satisfied them...keyword is lucky. If we open up the lines of communications that will build our confidence with each other. Most men will tell a woman what he wants but women are less inclined to do the same. If your lover isn't doing enough don't be afraid to tell him. We actually love that. Now we have to recognize the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. Like I said as much as women want to please their men...WE WANT TO DO THE SAME!! COMMUNICATE!!!
Dear anonymous 10:15am:
You're describing abuse. I hope you will consider getting help to either rehabilitate your relationship or end it.
My mother put up with someone just like your husband for way too long, and guess what? When he's sure he's got YOU under control he goes for the daughter next, telling HER how worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, etc SHE is.
For yours and your daughter's sake please seek help.
After reading most of the comments above, as a man, married 28 years. I give up!! I make dinner every night, clean my share of the house and other tasks. We both work the same amount of hours and have about the same amount of free time. Sex is about every other month, need it or not! I want to physically please her any way she wants. Her reply, "Doesn't matter to me". I have never missed a birthday or an anniversary. When we do have sex, it is the same position with the same 1 candle in the same bed. A 28 year rut.
I have not gone astray so far, but that is about to change along with the end to the marriage. We did go to counciling, she didn't hear a word the lady said! She also picked the Doctor too.
Am open to any ideas!
I lost interest at age 42 when my ovaries were removed due to large cysts growing on them. That was 13 years ago. I recently took myself off HRT after 10 years on it, because of what was discovered in the Women's Health Study. It is very hard to love your husband, but not want to have sex because it just hurts so much. My vaginal area is completely dried up. Hormone inserts give me infections. I will say that at his age (now 60), he has trouble getting anything going and he wants me to give him blow jobs, WHICH I HATE!!! I can't think of a quicker way to turn me OFF. It's a real dilemma for us. I'm not prudish guys.....I just don't enjoy that particular sex act. He says it's the least I can do, given how little sex we've had in the past 13 years, but I want to know....what is the least he can do for me to try and help me? Anybody know of a product I can use?
Telling a man he does not need sexual release is like telling a women they do not need to pee. Masturbating works, but if I am going to have to do that, why be married? Yes men have to take care of them selves, personal hygiene is important, and they need to try to satisfy their women, but sex is needed in a relationship.
After over 20 years of marriage, I've come to the conclusion that some women (my wife being one of them) are entirely focused on being "mommy" once the kids are part of the marriage, regardless of my help with housework, cooking and child rearing, the libido ceases.
A couple of things, to the man whose wife has a religious problem with sex, feels that it is a sin. She needs to open up her bible and read Song of Songs. Sex is God's gift to the married to be enjoyed in a mutually pleasing way.
Second, to the woman who feels that men are lying about needing sex. They're not, they really do. Not only does it relieve stress and tension, help with testosterone levels so they are capable of being loving and sweet, but lack of it can cause prostate infections.
Drying up? That may not be your only problem with sex, but nevertheless, you should try using some Astroglide. There are other topicals, but Astroglide can make the whole experience unbelievably nice if dryness is the issue! You will both love it. Readily found in many larger pharmacies and grocery store drug sections. Really... get some!
The blogger who mentioned that the urge to have sex for a woman is all mental was right on. For me, it had nothing to do with my partners’ abilities to please. Some were good at it, others were lousy, but if I had a terrific fantasy playing out in my mind at the time, it was like fireworks on the Fourth of July! Most of you will think I’m weird, but my favorite fantasies didn’t involve a handsome Prince Charming, but instead being the victim in situations I’d steer clear of in real life, such as being gang raped or ravaged by a monster. Of course, I never mentioned any of this to the men I was intimate with. I just let them think they were wonderful lovers. If they only knew it was like they weren’t even there. However, all that changed once I hit menopause. My brain short circuited and there was no longer that connection to my body, which was still in great working order otherwise. Try as I might, I could not conjure up images that would spark the excitement, not even from reading spicy novels or watching porno videos. Sex became boring – all work with little or no payoff. Now I avoid it altogether, and find that being celibate is not so bad. I suppose that’s what’s happening to a lot of women out there. Isn’t it ironic that men’s bodies quit on them when they age, but their minds stay focused on sex till the day they die?
married almost 24 years, my hubby has gained over 100 lbs, always seems to smell, and has very little interest in himself, much less me..we sleep apart....we are like 2 roommates..sex is non existant..do you blame me for taking an exciting passionate lover?
My husband forgot the importance of foreplay!! LOL
Married 6 1/2 years and we are in our late 40's and have the greatest sex life. The only way we won't have sex is if we are too tired, angry or sick. I hope this never wears off for us. We both know we are getting older and sometimes our bodies don't quite cooperate, but heating lotions and sex toys enhance the experience. I think sex has alot to do with the emotional connection for both sexes and plain old chemical attraction. I like knowing I can bring so much pleasure to my husband and he to me.
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