When Masturbation Replaces Partnered Sex
Should a man masturbate when he is in a partnered sexual relationship? Nearly everyone has opinions on this question and many of them are very strongly held.
I don't think that it's within a sexual partner's "right" to forbid a partner to masturbate. Not even when it leads to disappointment. My reluctance centers on the concept of it being a "right." Are there times when a man is substituting masturbation for partnered sex? Is it always a problem? No. Is is sometimes a problem? Yes.
Masturbation while in a relationship has its place. It's up to the couple to determine what that place is. One obvious place is when the other person is ill. Another may be during the time of recovery after the birth of a baby. Another possible time is when the two people are geographically apart. Most folks don't seem to have a problem with these instances of masturbation.
Many would go the next step and add: When one partner's sexual desire frequency is much higher than their partner's. It fills the gap.
Where it gets sticky is when there is a willing sexual partner who is at times turned down sexually and feels replaced by the masturbation of her/his mate. It's easy to offer an ironclad rule that this type of masturbation should stop, but it's not always that simple.
It's true, sometimes there are negative motivations underlying this choice. He wishes to anger or punish his partner over some conflict in their relationship. Sometimes he holds skewed expectations about sex with a partner: Perfectionistic images of what his partner's body should be, seeking acceptance of any level of his self-centered sexual behavior, and unrealistic ideas about the ease and intensity of his partner's sexual response.
Masturbation to two dimensional images both fosters and fulfills these skewed expectations -- unless the man fully realizes that this is fantasy material with little basis in reality.
Men who like to "visit" this fantasyland and truly "get it" generally have little problem with their expectations of their real life partner. Problems based on masturbation in relationships tend to take hold when a man does not keep the "fantasy land" in its place and allows it to overrun him and his relationship. Or, he cannot handle the intimacy of the relationship and decreases it by avoiding partnered sex. That's often when I'm called in.
My job is to have both members of the couple take an honest look at what mastubation by either of them means in the relationship, that masturbation is not always a tacit rejection of his partner, and that it often can serve a healthy purpose in a relationship. Once these topics have been addressed, many couples can come to a consensus about masturbation that basically works for them both.
Related Topics: Looking for Love: Finding What You Need, The Golden Age of Sex
Technorati Tags: sexuality, relationships
I don't think that it's within a sexual partner's "right" to forbid a partner to masturbate. Not even when it leads to disappointment. My reluctance centers on the concept of it being a "right." Are there times when a man is substituting masturbation for partnered sex? Is it always a problem? No. Is is sometimes a problem? Yes.
Masturbation while in a relationship has its place. It's up to the couple to determine what that place is. One obvious place is when the other person is ill. Another may be during the time of recovery after the birth of a baby. Another possible time is when the two people are geographically apart. Most folks don't seem to have a problem with these instances of masturbation.
Many would go the next step and add: When one partner's sexual desire frequency is much higher than their partner's. It fills the gap.
Where it gets sticky is when there is a willing sexual partner who is at times turned down sexually and feels replaced by the masturbation of her/his mate. It's easy to offer an ironclad rule that this type of masturbation should stop, but it's not always that simple.
It's true, sometimes there are negative motivations underlying this choice. He wishes to anger or punish his partner over some conflict in their relationship. Sometimes he holds skewed expectations about sex with a partner: Perfectionistic images of what his partner's body should be, seeking acceptance of any level of his self-centered sexual behavior, and unrealistic ideas about the ease and intensity of his partner's sexual response.
Masturbation to two dimensional images both fosters and fulfills these skewed expectations -- unless the man fully realizes that this is fantasy material with little basis in reality.
Men who like to "visit" this fantasyland and truly "get it" generally have little problem with their expectations of their real life partner. Problems based on masturbation in relationships tend to take hold when a man does not keep the "fantasy land" in its place and allows it to overrun him and his relationship. Or, he cannot handle the intimacy of the relationship and decreases it by avoiding partnered sex. That's often when I'm called in.
My job is to have both members of the couple take an honest look at what mastubation by either of them means in the relationship, that masturbation is not always a tacit rejection of his partner, and that it often can serve a healthy purpose in a relationship. Once these topics have been addressed, many couples can come to a consensus about masturbation that basically works for them both.
Related Topics: Looking for Love: Finding What You Need, The Golden Age of Sex
Technorati Tags: sexuality, relationships
112 Comments:
Have you heard of cases where a sexually active, married, male continues to have nocturnal emissions? Can masturbation occur unconciously during a wet dream/ while sleeping? My wife and I have religious beliefs against masturbation. She claims she has seen me masturbating in bed, at night, next to her. Despite regular intimacy with my wife, I do have wet dreams regularly (once every couple of months. I overcame the habbit of masturbation when I was a teenager and have not masturbated since. My wife is the only sexual partner I have ever had. I do not know what is going on or what I can do to prove to her that I am not masturbating when she claims that she has seen me do it. Help?
My husband is a very hard sleeper and he talks, makes motions and occassionally "feels" of himself during sleep. I think the subconscious is very powerful and perhaps you are unknowingly doing this in your sleep, (probally dreaming of your wife). I'm sure she has had similiar dreams and she should understand.
As long as she just wanted to address it once(?)and not holding it against you for seeing the seen, I'd think that it is just as good as leave it as it is.
I am so bittered by my husband's this so self centered e.g absorbed sexual behavior which resulted in my total resenment towards him.
This post is so unethical. Pornography and masturbation destroys relationships. It alwayscauses fantasy to prevail over a spouse. Just listen to the endless testimonies of destroyed marriages over it. Just, just horrible advice.
why does a man get soft while haveing sex,and dont cum at all
my bf and i can be makeing love and he gets soft.what wrong with him he 37.and iam 59 we been togather for 8 yrs.help
I dont know what to do me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 yrs...i have a very healthy sex drive and he regects me a lot of the time...and then i waljk out into the computer room to find him pleasing himself...i dopnt know what to do im hurt and confused. please help me
I had had a C-section and my OB stated that I was to lay off the sex for eight weeks.
I am a very sexual woman, my husband not as much. I am very liberal type with sex, will try ALMOST anything, and he knows this. I am still confused and a little disappointed when I saw him secretly masturbating. I don't know why we couldn't share that intamacy and he let me get him off orally or with my hands? We didn't have sex but maybe twice during the pregnancy and since he SEEMED to be conservative sex partner, I figured he could wait eight weeks. Why did he do this secretly and why didn't he let me help?
He is a very shy quiet man so when I asked he really didn't have an asnwer.
I quit pornography for a couple of years and noticed that for the first time in my adult life I was ejaculating sooner than I wanted to. It seemed like there was nothing I could do, psychologically or physically.
Trying a hunch, I used online porn to masterbate a few times and guess what... The next time I had sex with my wife I was back where I wanted to be, able to have intercourse with her until she had been completely satisfied and THEN I would allow myself to orgasm.
I am finding that occasionally I overuse pornography. I'll subscribe to a site and rub myself raw. I don't let it bum me out. I always return to my wife ready to go. And sometimes when things are really stressful and she has little or no energy for sex, pornography is often a great release. I don't feel rejected and horny at the same time. I can see how it can be a addictive thing, but if shared with your partner, pornography can be a great spice or addition to the relationship.
To the woman with the boyfriend who won't have sex with her, but will masturbate... try asking him to allow you to join him next time he feels the urge. Participate if you're comfortable with his online play. Don't apply pressure, but get him to allow you "in". If you can get him to trust you enough to join his plesure, and make him believe you enjoy being with him; he may transfer his attention back to you. Masturbation is fantasy and easy. Find ways to allow sex to be fantasy and easy together and maybe he'll leave the porn behind over time because you are definately more interesting and sexy than a 2 DIM image! Force won't work, and neither will guilt. You have to find a solution together, and build trust.
We discovered since many years coitus is not the only way to hapiness in a (married)couple.
If both partners love to masturbate it is possible to cultivate this to an art together masturbating.We are both trained masturbaters already before marriage,so we where honest with our partner and decided never to masturbate solo in marriage,and to masturbate always together.Since 12 years marriage life we consume our relation now by the way of pure masturbation together,masturbating eachother or solo together looking and talking and stimulating the practise of it.
We discovered by this mutual practises that there is a big difference between teener masturbation and the trained and developped possibilities by practising mature masturbation as sexual developped adults.We never use porno or vulgar things to stimulate the sensations,we use music and sometimes very nice model pictures to comment and enjoy.After long exercises and practise since years coit is no more interesting,the pleasures are much intenser in a trained masturbation relation,genitals become focussed on the plays and their sensations become intenser by the permanent developpement,squirts become massive for both and the playing goes on for hours when not orgasming.It becomes possible to train not orgasming,or semi-orgasms before the big one,or orgasming in multiple series one after another.
I WOULD LIKE TO STOP MASTURBATING IF I HAD A GIRLFRIEND ,I'AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO HAVE SEX WITH BUT IT HARD TO FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL TAKE ME ,I HOPE I CAN STOP I'AM 47 YRS OLD AND I'AM STILL A VIRGIN I HOPE SOMEONE CAN HELP ME WITH THIS
i have problems staying hard and not staying longer for my wife , after i ejucilate in her she wants me to finish her with a dildo then i get hard again and cum with her
Hello,
My wife and I have been married for almost two years. Now I hardly want to have sex with her anymore, my sexual drive is not there anymore. I really want to change because I don't want to hurt her that way, besides she's a very attractive woman and a wonderful mother and I love her very much. What I thought was depriving me from that was self masturbation, which I am trying to stop. I don't think is right that I masturbate because it probaly diminishes my desire for sex, but I like masturbating. I want to look for her to have intercourse just like she looks for me all the time. What should I do?
My addition to this post and one I think that has been foolishly overlooked is that sometimes the bottom line is that guys are guys. You're husbands aren't going to tell you this one, and maybe they don't even conciously haven't recognized it or are afraid to tell you.
It has been proven that, predominantly, males view a sexual act differently than females.
If you look back at the history of sex: sex is to make babies. Species need to have babies to continue their existence. Waaaay back in the day males would plant their seed in as many females as possible. The chances of one of those babies living was very small back in the day. Predators, disease, natural birth problems, etc. The more seeds the male planted the better chance the species would continue.
One could argue this has been passed down through the ages and it is only natural for a male to want to have other sexual partners.
So ladies, when your partner is masturbating don't be upset. If you are on the same wavelength sexually (open about fantasies and willing to try new things), he is not pissed at you, you're sure there was no mis-commmunication on whether or not you were in the mood, than maybe he is simply fulfilling his primal urges. Say it with me. "That's ok." It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. On the contrary it probably means the opposite.
If it is a serious relationship obviously he cares about you and is simply trying to fulfull this need without being an asshole and cheating on you. If he is trying to be sneeky about it he is trying to do it without hurting your feelings. If he is doing it in his sleep... come on, give the guy a break.
I realize that many of the people that take issue with this topic may be religious. In that regard I would say, these impulses were either planted by the god you believe in, or his worse half. If it is the first than it is to continue the species he has created. If it is the latter than hats off to your man for masturbating rather than hurting you, and others, by not getting physically (which bring on emotion no matter what) intimate with someone else.
Lifes to short to not experience as much pleasure as possible. Be safe and have fun.
Why is it all so hard to understand?
First up: seperate porn and masturbation, they are not intertwined.
A male viewing porn even though he is in a committed relationship is no mystery. Sometimes its about variety of visual stimulus - there are roughly 3 billion females on Earth; let's assume any given male is going to find 500 million or so within his criteria for attractive. The hardest part of monogamy is monogamy; by and large, we like (some say are hardwired for) a little variety. Looking at pictures of attractive members of the opposite sex is a safe way to fulfill this urge without actually doing anything. To women out there who think it means there's something wrong with them, or their partner doesn't love them any more: think of your favourite meal - pretend its fish and chips. How long could you eat fish and chips for without having an urge to eat some pasta? Does that mean you like fish and chips any less? Of course not. And if that urge could be sated by reading a menu or even - and I'm blushing here - a recipe, wouldn't that be an ideal solution?
And as for masturbation.. stop thining of it only as a substitute for sex. It isn't. It's something else entirely. And unfortunately, by definition onanism isn't something you can do with your partner. So long as your man isn't doing it instead of sex all the time, let it be and just don't think about it. Maybe suggest you give each other hand jobs - that might just be enough to satisfy the urge and keep both of you happy.
And for pete's sake: a lot of you need to stop bringing God to bed with you!
I am a married man. I've been married for almost four years. My wife and I used to have an issue with this. I still masturbate because sometimes I don't feel like going through the whole sex act. There is a lot involved with sex that we just don't think about most of the times. There is the foreplay, the actual movement itself which may take three minutes to thirty minutes, then the cuddling afterwards. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing all of that, even though I'm horny. So, I masturbate. It took my wife awhile to overcome the idea that my masturbation was a rejection of her. It's not, and it wasn't. It was just me being lazy at that particular moment.
Its just kind of awkward when I find my boyfriend looking at porn or other images he finds stimulating. At first, we did watch some porn together but we don't any more.
He says he masturbates every day because its a 'habit' and he's done it for who knows how long. He has quite a past too, with a child from another relationship and impregnating another. And he was pretty much a whore. That's not very easy for me to live with because when we met I was still a virgin.
By the way, our sex life is great.
My partner actual enjoys it when I masturbate in front of her and then ejaculate on her face. She says it's warm and makes her skin softer.
My significant other chooses the internet sex over me. He tells me he is just not that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but that being happy together and snuggling is more important. I think he thinks to much about the X wife and how badly she treated him although he has said that he felt the same way about sex with her; that it did not mean that much to him. Why then does he pleasure himself on the internet with these women on the porn sites? someone give me a clue!
the exact situation as the female who commented above - claims to not be sexual - has issues with the Ex, was a former alcoholic/drug addict which often gives him "pains" and made him realize sex is not important - yet i uncovered a stash of trashy porn meanwhile he's not fulfilling my need as a highly sexual/ experimental female in love with him....frustrating.
my husband who is 30 years old would rather masturbate than give it up. I have never turned him down and want it all the time, what do I do?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. At first our sex was great, he would always want more. Lately it never happens. It's going on 4 months now since we've had sex. When I initiate, which I only subtly do, he pushes me away, walks away, etc. He usually sleeps in a different room. For instance, if I go to bed he "falls asleep" on the couch. If I fall asleep on the couch he goes to bed. He keeps a stash of magazines and I've caught him looking at online porn. He works from home, and he often locks his office door and says he just doesn't want disturbed. I am extremely frustrated, as I am curious if he is having sex outside of our relationship? I know that he still has contact with exgirlfriend(s) and he text messages frequently. He REFUSES to talk about the problem with me. I love him and do not know what to do. I'm seriously wondering how long this can go on. I am extremely hurt.
Please help.
my wife masturbaits in her sleep on a nightly basis and says she is not aware it is happening. help!
My husband starts "feeling" himself every night when we go to sleep. He even snores while actively masturbating. When I ask him about it, he adamantly denies participating in such an activity. I would like to have information on if this could signify a real health issue or problem, or how to handle it emotionally if that is all it is! We have been married for 16 years and he has a stronger drive than I do. It does not seem to matter if we have a large amount of sex or none at all-he still does this. It often times wakes me in the middle of the night. I have offered to participate and he acts like he has no knowledge of what he is doing. Help!!!!
I'm 51 years old and masturbate on a regular basis. My wife had a complete hystertomy 17 years ago and does not have the desire. before the introduction of the "intimate sites" on the internet (or porn to some) I would buy magazines and video tapes to satisfy my urge. there is nothing better than having solo-sex and experiencing a controlled orgasm. my wife is aware of my "addiction" but I think she would much rather me "jack-off at home" then with another women. if i had a penny for every time I masturbated, I'd be a millionaire. Funny - I'd venture to say 75% of the population does it but only 25% of them admit it.
I was wondering if masterbation is a problem when it interferes with my social and academic life? I masterbate about 4 hours each dayy leaving very little time for me to attend classes at StonyBrook University and sleep. I have absolutely no time to eat and have actually been starving myself, because I have a constant need to masterbate. I have also noticed that masterbating in my room is no longer enough for me, I now have the urgency to do it in public, in such places like the Student Activities Center, the SAC gym, the Wang center and in the parking lot. Can someone please advise me whether this is normal or not?
P.s. I masterbate to sneakers and/or pictures of sneakers...is this unusual?
Manual - masturbating to sneakers. depends - are the regular or the pump-up kind? LOL either way - yeah - that is really something you need to be concerned about.
I am 25 years old and my boyfriend and I have been together for four months and we have sex only about once-twice a week. I try to initiate it more often, but he doesn't respond. He has been a pot smoker for many years and I don't know if this is affecting him in the sexual arena. I spent the night at his place last night and figured out that he had masturbated in the next room even though I had asked him to "come to bed with me" (wink wink). I have rejection issues, therefore, it definitely hurt and I am not sure if this is something normal...
Anon. 1:27 AM
First - I've smoked pot for over 25 years and have never ever had trouble sexually. Second - a 25 year old women that intitates sex -where have you been all my life. LOL - well the first 25 years - you weren't even born yet and the next 25 - you've been growing up. I'm 50 but feel 25 and have been told that I don't look any older than 35.
Oh how I would love having sex once-twice a week and in your case even more. The way I see it - if he's masturbating in the other room - one of two things is happening. Either you are not that great in bed - which i doubt that's the case, or he's partially retarded!!
Don't waste anymore time with this guy is you are wanting more sex. Seems like he's happy with the current arrangment.
I can help!!
I was wondering, my husband masterbates in his sleep and when i tell him about it he says that he didnt and that he never had sex dreams to lead him to doing it, it frustrates me because im asleep and he wakes me up when hes doing it but he doesnt even know hes doing it at all... can u help me?? does anyone know how to prevent this?
i m horny all the time my clit is always needing stimualation is it from masterbating to much?
Anon - 3:07 - it's probably from a very inactive libido. are you ugly and overweight?
it's odd that only one person here has brought up the fact that actual sexual intercourse and masturbation are not interchangeable. of course, if you are getting the real thing you will be less likely to masturbate and vice versa. but as a man, i gotta say, they are quite different in reality.
i love sex with my girlfriend and would like to do it every day, but sex is a two-way street, it's not like i'm masturbating using her body. it's a contact sport! masturbation is video game, you do it yourself, to yourself. it's a simple stress reliever, it takes all of 5 minutes, whereas real sex takes somewhat longer :)
so what i'm saying is, a boyfriend/husband masturbating is not necessarily a red flag in of itself.
i am 52 and my husband is 36 the things is i want sex all the time so i masturbat my self while he is away. when he is home there is nothing with us . is this wrong i love the way it feels and it. makes me cum like never before. i do have a friend on the inter net that helps me cum.
i'm a 22 yr old female and my bf is 23. we've been together for 2 years, live together and for the last 9 months he denies me sex. we have had sex 1 time in the last month and a half.
when i found out he was masterbating to porn i confronted him about it. i was angry not bc of the porn but bc he was hiding it from me. before he told me he had a low sex drive. is it possible to have a low sex drive and still masterbate?
i used to think that i was the problem, like he wasnt attracted to me anymore, (i've gained about 20 lbs since we first started dating, so has he). but now i am starting to think it is just extreme laziness. this is really bothering me and every time we talk about it he has a different excuse or lately he just refuses to talk about it.
this isnt our only problem. he has stopped helping around the house, and considers him playing video games for hours and me doing something in the other room as spending time together. one of my friends told me to get out of the relationship.... i love him but i am truely unhappy. help
I think that anytime your in a serious relationship with someone and you cant be honest with each other, that is a problem.
I am going through the exact same thing as this woman noted below. We have been together nine months and I did not notice him doing this until this past month. I have confronted him on it and he is adament that he is not doing anything. He has done this snoring and at times moaning. This also happens after we have had sex and when we have not had sex.
As soon as he starts, I have said you are doing it again. He got so upset at me once stating why would he masterbate when he had me right next to him. That he loved me very much and would not do it. I have noticed this more and more. I have woken up feeling him. I usually curl up behind him and he usually stops.
One issue that has come up, is that the first time we have sex it is great, no problems. But if we do again a few hours later, he has
a very delayed orgasm or can't at all. He states that he starts to hurt and gets frustrated and feels that he is also causing me frustration. Before a month ago, the sex was not an issue.
He also said that he does not always want me stimulating him after we have sex the first time because he doesn't want to go through not being able to ejaculate. He actually moves my hand away. He holds me but that is all. I have even tried talking to him about masterbating and told him that I did not have a problem with it. But he is adament that he doesn't at all since he is with me. I unfortunately can not make that same statement.
My question, is he just comforting himself to fall alseep, replacing me?
He said that he is very attracted to me and that I do turn him on and he would not do something to hurt me.
I feel that he needs to get an exam, especially if he starts to hurt when we are having intercourse. He also states that he does not have the stamina.
Is this normal or could there be underlying issues. We both have been under more stress this past month. I am usually the one that brings up these issues, not him.
"My husband starts "feeling" himself every night when we go to sleep. He even snores while actively masturbating. When I ask him about it, he adamantly denies participating in such an activity. I would like to have information on if this could signify a real health issue or problem, or how to handle it emotionally if that is all it is! We have been married for 16 years and he has a stronger drive than I do. It does not seem to matter if we have a large amount of sex or none at all-he still does this. It often times wakes me in the middle of the night. I have offered to participate and he acts like he has no knowledge of what he is doing. Help!!!!
I have been married for 4 years and one day I left to go to work and my husband was in bed still sleeping, a few minutes later I came back to get something I forgot and he was watching porno and masturbaring...I have mixed feelings about this, I don
't know if there is something wrong on our sexual life; when I asked him about it he said that he is tired because of work ahd he also brougt up other things that are stressing our life right now...it's ok for married man to masturbate??? I want to know if married men do it possibly for those reasons he said to me or there is something wrong with me that I am not satisfing him...please help.
I am an older divorced man with grown children. Previously I had good sexual relations. However, I have not been in a relationship with a woman for over ten years. I am very happy with my lifestyle and freedom. Although I do miss female affection and being with a significant other, with masturbation I get the limited sexual pleasure, but none of the problems of a relationship. It's not too bad.
well me and my boyfriend have been together for about three years..hes 21 and iam 20..we have been living together for about 2 years...and we first started seeing eachother the sex was great...we had it all the tme..but now we might have sex once a week..if that..he works nights and i work days so we dont see eachother as much as we would like..and i tought since we dont see eachother would make him wanna have sex when he does see me but he doesnt.But i never bring up that i would like to have sex more,i have a couple of times but he tells me hes tired..or something like that...and we have watched porn together and he would rather masterbate then have sex with his horny half-naked girlfriend laying right beside him...it did hurt my feelings a little...and i sill get alittle angry when he watches all that porn...but i think of it as hes not out there haveing sex with another chick....and another thing is i want sex so bad...and i dont know how to tell him...i need it...i am sexualy stressed...i dont get the sex that i want i do get really ill...and i cant just masterbate and get it over with.. i want the real thing....and iam not that type of girl who wants fourplay and the cuddling shit...i just want to have sex and smoke my cig...and role over and go to sleep...i mean how hard is it to have quick quickie....come on man..i do sometimes like fourplay and stuff but not every time we have sex.
Hi,
I would just like to say that I have been with my husband for 3+ yrs married only for 7 mnths, and I was upset when i found out that he masturbated. But when we talked about it he stated that its his way of staying faithful in our relationship, he does not think I'm ugly or fat or just repulsive. We continue to have a healthy sex life, he just needs more sex then me and I would rather have him masturbating then cheating on me. I still get upset from time to time because of the frequency of it, but when it starts affecting our sex life then I'll do something about it. But for now I'd rather have doing that then cheating with a "real" female.
ok, so I met this guy who I really like but on our first intimate night he was not able to have an orgasm neither did I. He told me that he masturbates alot and that's the reason why he can have an orgasm while having sex. That intrigued me because I have the same problem. I haven't had an orgams while having sex in a very long time. However, I have my orgasms while masturbating. Is there anything weird about this and how could I fix this little problem of ours?
I have been married for 20 years and my husband is just now masterbating in front of me. WOW!! What a turn on!! I love it. It makes me so horny watching him touch himself. I LOVE IT!!!
I forget the exact numbers .. eighty percent of women masturbate, 60 percent regularly I think. If not exact, they're close and they're significant. Women do look for pornograghy on the internet and masturbate for a variety of reasons including ones that affect the intimacy in the bedroom. With a little effort it can be something both can enjoy and add to the overall sexual act.
Its plain and simple if a guy doesn't masturbate then he will find a way to relieve himself. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen and willing to have sex with a good hard man. I personaly love pornography because the beauty of watching people have sex is erotic and stimulating. If your jealous of your man stroking to a hot porn then maybe you should hit the gym.
My sex life has been slim to none in the last three years. Have the same bf for 5 years. He prefers to wank to internet porn.
Knowing that he would deny the porn (claims he went for over a year without masturbating- yeah right), I told him I need regular sex. Now we're up to twice a month, a step in the right direction.
When we do have sex we also masturbate together,btw. I know I'm a porn widow, that I'm playing second fiddle to the 2-D girls online. Bottom line is I've been replaced by a jar of vaseline.
My question is this-how do I have an honest conversation with Mr. Denial about it and make him face the music?
My boyfriend and i been together for 2 years.I had a very high sex drive and which my boyfriend doesn't.But it was fine when we just got together.And ever since we had stayed together,i find that he doesn't really like to have sex with me and will reject me at times by saying too tired and stuffs like that.At first i thought myabe was because of staying together and seen each other too often.but it seems like even sometimes when we had sex,he got difficulties in having a orgasm.And sometimes i will try to set the ambience but it feels like he will do it just because to pleased me and not because of his needs.And sometimes i'll gets horny after a few drinks of alcohol but to him is like he can't get a hard on after he had drink.So from twice a week and now is like once in two weeks.And i feel is just not enough which leads me to masturbation.And i hates it.Please help me!
i was living with my partner a year ago, i am a 29 year old male. we had a healthy sex life. we had sex once or twice per week. since we split up i been masturbating at least once every day and sometimes up 3 times a day. i can tell you i dont feel well!, i suspect masturbating is not a good thing to pratice everyday. i feel fatigue, tired, uncomfort in the testicle and penis area, puffy eyes, sudden appetite after masturbating. Im going to stop masturbating and restrict it to once or twice a week. I will post the findings.
-ben
Porn addiction changes the way the 'users' think, and changes how their brain reacts to simple ordinary stimulus such as a woman walking by. It's a trained response in the brain from the reinforced stimulus from the happy dopomine chemicals that result after orgasm. It's pavlovian.
So don't tell me anybody that porn is not adversely affecting men's sexuality, and worse than that--their relationships with their significant others.
Porn addicts are liars and losers.
I recently found out by looking on my husbands computer through his IM archieves that he is bisexual. We have been married for almost 2 yrs. He has set up his web cam and has masterbated for me. I haven't mentioned this to him as of yet mainly because I know it will cause a big fight and I don't really want to fight with him we use to have fights and I would end up walking or driving someplace just to get away so he didn't kill me. Can someone please help me.
Need Help
I recently found out by looking on my husbands computer through his IM archieves that he is bisexual. We have been married for almost 2 yrs. He has set up his web cam and has masterbated for other bisexual or gay men. I haven't mentioned this to him as of yet mainly because I know it will cause a big fight and I don't really want to fight with him we use to have fights and I would end up walking or driving someplace just to get away so he didn't kill me. Can someone please help me.
Need Help
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I have been married for four years. I masturbate between 4-10 a week. My wife knows this. I always want sex and she doesn't. So sometimes she will tell me to "deal with it myself". I think that the most important thing in a relationship is what you both feel comfortable about or doing. If she/he doesn't feel comfortable about you masturbating you probably shouldn't or try to help them feel comfortable.
My wife started to masturbate while asleep several months ago. It is now increasing in frequency & intensity. She vigorously says she is not doing it. I see the activity and hear the orgasmic sounds that oocur. It is hurting our relationships. Need to know where to go for help.
My wife started to masturbate while asleep several months ago. It is now increasing in frequency & intensity. She vigorously says she is not doing it. I see the activity and hear the orgasmic sounds that oocur. It is hurting our relationships. Need to know where to go for help.
Communication typically solves most issues related to sex - if both partners are willing to speak openly about their feelings, desires, fantasies, etc. In my case, what is absolutely awful is that I am a very health, fit 38-year old female married to a man with bipolar personality disorder who prefers to masturbate to young teen porn than to have sex with me. He is a 40-year old man and I know the anti-depressants he takes may impact his sex drive, but what is up with the content of the porn he looks at??? They are all girls under 16? I'm pretty open-minded and I don't mind if he has his share of masturbation, I do too. Masturbation is, after all, making love with the person you love most. What I cannot accept is him not ever wanting to touch me... it's about control and maybe it is his way of punishing me for being a sane person. I have never felt so rejected and unloved in my life. I'd like to hear form men with the same interest in young teen porn, what's the deal?
I really need an answer! I have been married 3 years. As soon as we got married sex was giving out in rashings, like its on lay-a-way. Some spurts would occur for about a month or two when we would have sex like 3 times a week, (still wan't enough 4 me). NOw that I am pregnant its like taboo for him to even touch me. We haven't had sex in 3 months & I have 2 more months to go b4 delivery. I know he watches porn & has a thing for strippers. Do you think he is cheating on me? My sexual attraction to him is diminishing due to his sex swings. I feel like I can't trust him. Oh- and to talk about it, you would think I was starting WW III. Any suggestions?
I don't think it is okay for either partner to masturbate by themselves. The reason for this in many cases if you let something happen in your mind, like having sex with someone else or a porn figure, then it is easier for you to do this in real life. Letting your self “go there” repeatedly raises the chances of cheating. People are so selfish when it comes to sex! Sex is not all about getting off. Sex is something for you and your partner to feel good and to express yourselves. If one partner wants more sex than the other, then each person needs to learn a little sacrifice and self control. If each partner takes turns doing what I call “giving in or giving up”,(sometimes one partner gives in and has sex and sometimes one partner gives up and is understanding of the other person) each person gets their needs fulfilled for the most part. The problem in many sexual relationships is that one or both partners, from their single days, are so use to masturbation, getting off anytime they want, to any image they want, they have no since of control or sacrifice and sex becomes all about getting off and not about love and passion. Sacrifice is a major part of a relationship, even when it comes to sex. It is a beautiful thing when a partner wants to please you even if they don’t feel like doing it themselves because they love you that much, or when one partner is understanding of the other partner not being in the mood and saves their self for a different time. My husband and I sometimes help each other masturbate so that we are still being intimate with each other and one of us is getting what we need while the other one only puts out a small amount of effort. This has really helped are relationship.
I am a 56 y/o male and my wife and I have been married for 25 years. After having a complete hysterctomy, my wife's sex drive decreased dramatically. I began to replace that which was missing with masturbation. I soon became concerned that my wife was missing out on our regular sex life and we sat down and talked about my masturbating. She told me that she was glad that I do it at home rather than looking elsewhere, but with one stipulation - she wanted me to masturbate at night while we were together in bed. I asked her if I should wait until she was asleep or should I just go ahead when I was ready. She told me that if she was asleep enjoy, but if she was awake and had the energy, she would give me a helping hand (so to speak). I usually masturbate about 2-3 times per week and we might have intercourse about once per week. I'm happy and am glad she is too. On occasion, she will watch me jack-off and that is when I cum the strongest. We have a great relationship and all is well. Ladies, men do it - 95% masturbate and the other 5% are liars. It doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you - he sometimes just needs to release some energy and masturbation is the best way. It's what we do....
my husband and i struggled with this issue for years. he would turn me down for sex and then i'd either walk in on him looking at porn and masturbating or i would come home from the grocery store and find he had "snuck one in" while i was gone. it got really tough there for awhile and through it all he would always claim "it had nothing to do with me". i tried to get involved with it, suggesting that we could maybe go by a porno video and watch it together. he would never do it around me. it was destroying our marriage to the point where finally i told him he had to make a choice, either the porn or me. to me, masturbating and looking at porn while your wife is home or gone for a short while is just as bad as taking another woman into your bed.
having the same damn thing happen, i'm not religious but spiritual and masturbation after we have had sex is becoming a problem..at first i thught he was sleeping doing it till i noticed he does it even after sex and i still havent climaxed. i have asked him if i could help, he acs as if he was sleeping and then gets made at me, the only thing is now that it's up in the air and i have asked if he still fantsies me? he says yes but this is still an issue and has been persistant. im having to face towards him so that i can sleep b/c he wakes me up out of my sleep w/ he's jerking. i have mentioned to him before i dont care, just go to the bathroom or somewhere else, b/c im still wanting it, and have a high sex drive to go secound rounds. which we have never done, i try to get hime going again he ends up rolling over then saying he's asleep. i have tried to help, mentioned to go somewhere else so that i can get a ggod night sleep. i have stopped sleeping over at his house b/c of this. please help. if he would just do it in fornt of me that would be seksy, but he doesn't and denies. is he man or a little boy just playin' w/ himself?
Has there been a study of the normal output of a man's seminal fluids? Other organ systems create fluids in the body at more or less a constant rate and the body eliminates them. The question I have is if the seminal fluids are being created at a constant rate and the seminal vesicals can only hold so much, how can any man abstain from sex? Can the fluids leave the body without ejaculation? Is there a negative feedback loop that stops production when the vesicals are full? It would be like a woman deciding to abstain from menstruation or someone willing their kidneys to stop producung urine. I'm sure someone has an answer to this and I would guess the volume produced in the male population is a bell shaped curve distribution with some men producing a lot and some less. The reason I think this is so relevent to your web site is that if women had knowlege of this normal fluid production they would be put at ease by their husbands nocturnal emissions, night time touching and masturbation. These actions simply prevent unhealthy buildups of seminal fluids and may not be under the man's control as much as women would like.
I masturbate because my wife has no sex drive. We've been married 20 years, 15 without any sex. I got tired of begging for it. I won't leave her and I won't cheat with another woman. We waited until we were married. I wish we hadn't. If I'd known then how unimportant sex was to her, I'd have moved on. After our last child she just decided to stop.
Amonymous
My wife had a hysterectomey years ago. Gradually she lost her libido and now looks upon sex with disgust. She stoped using Estrogin because of bad side effects. Our sex life reduced to nothing. Is there any possibility that we can enjoy our relationshop again. I would like normal sex and not masturbation.
this is a good one. my husband won't have sex with me because i can't have kids. we've been married 6 years and the last 1 and a half years have been sexless. what now?
my fiance and I have been together for 5 years. I have a high sex drive and his is hardly there .I am 27 and he is 30. He'll only want to have sex once, maybe twice a month. But i feel like he's hiding something from me. He comes up with every excuse in the book not to have sex,but he's alwys feeling himself or going into the bathroom several times.I have told him how I feel about being rejected all the time,but he doesn't seem to care.what should I do?
im 32 my bf is 30 together 2 yrs lived together 1 yr i have masturbated since my teens but wouldnt choose that over sex my bf masturbates in morning when im at work which is fine but has started masturbating at night as well while i sleep ive tried not to let this bother me but i sometimes wake up and if hes not in bed i have trouble falling asleep all i can think about is him choosing that over me i never turn down sex! we do have sex 4-5 times a week and its amazing it also takes him 20 minutes to an hour to masturbate if i masturbate it takes less than 5 minutes sex is a very important part of relationship to me and if anyone out there thinks theres a potential that his love for porn (have no problem with porn)could ruin our sex life enlighten me...he's love of my life but i dont want to be with someone with problems
sometimes a man masturbates because he likes to. sometimes a man wathes porn and gets himself off w/ fantasy his other half is not willing to try.
sometimes all a man has to hear from his mate is a little encouragement in the sack,like that feels good or yes that's the spot or some thing along that line .some times his mate no matter how much they love each other is not willing to change just by even saying these few words that drives a man to porn.some times one partner in the loving relationship allways gets off and some tomes the man is left with a hard on and no releif is available because the spouce is worn out or will not help him by masturbating him or oral sex
what else os he to do?? I am deeply in love adn would never physically cheat on my wife but she seems to think if I look at porn by myself, because she will not watch it with me I am cheating on her. sometimes I feel I am the one being cheated because I am sexually frustrated with no releif is sight.some women need to help their patner more and maybe the watching of porn would decrease.yes love is a two way steet and each should share responsibilities around the house but so should sexual gratification as a couple or by them selfs
Okay i am 23 and i have a very healthy sex drive my fiancee is 20 and has very little sex drive.After i suggest that we fool around some,i caught him looking at porn on the computer and pleasuring himself I really dont know how to approach it at a safe level and let him know that it hurts me and makes me feel rejected. We dont even sleep in the same bed anymore. It is a fight just to get him to look at me let alone find me attractive enough to have sex with me. he has previously cheated on me and i didnt know how to take it. I just want to know if its me or is it a problem that can be fixed please someone help me.
I am a 24 year old male with a huge sex drive. I find myself masterbating twice a day, everyday while watching porn. Its almost like I needs it go get my day started and to get rest at night. I have a woman, but I know she can not "hang" with me when its comes to sex. I don't think its an addiction, because I can stop for a day or two, but soon after I am at it again.. any suggestions?
cross83dc@yahoo.com
My husband and I are highschool sweethearts. We have been together for a total of 5 years. We use to be very sexually active. But ever since I became pregnant and gave birth to our son he doesn't seem to have the passion and drive for me like he use to. I try to get him to tell me what he wants but he wont tell me anything. I still love sex and want it all the time but I keep catching him on the computer taking care of himself. I find it so upseting like I'm not good enough for him...Please help what do I do?
I wanted this very attractive girl for 2 years,she finally became my 1st girlfriend, we had sex, and I could not believe how dissapointing sex was,I was a 30 year old virgin, masterbating for 17 years prior. She was 21. Her previous BF of 7 years was 10",So shes pretty loose.He used to go in too far and hurt her. I'm far from 10" but received nothing but compliments from her. We had sex 14 times.The emotional connection during sex was nice. I'm an idiot for telling her that ("Sometimes I don't feel anything")I didn't tell her to insult her, and she knew that, but she decided that we wern't going to have sex for awhile,I respected her, and never asked her for sex. I think I made her feel inadaquit. Almost a month later I broke up w/ her,not due to the lack of sex issue, ofcourse it didn't help. I would start to lose erection while having sex,then it would come back, and I could go until we HAD to sleep,Because I knew I wasn't going to climax. I did once, and that took alot of concentration. What I'm wondering is WHY COULDN'T I HAVE AN ORGASM? Was it because she was loose, and my penis had lost sensation due to 17 years of abuse? Was it because I thought sex was going to be the greatest thing ever and I expected too much? Was it because I had conditioned myself to only ejaculate to pics,videos and a soft cloth,(no I can't use my hands,too rough)Which I stopped my self gratifying while we were together so I could save myself for her.Was I thinking too much or trying to hard? Or all of the above? I am afraid that if I ever have sex w/ another girl,the same thing will happen,nothing.Would anyone happen to know whats wrong?
There's a point where masturbation becomes more frequent and he leaves his partner feeling neglected, undesired, and her self esteem diminishes...but what is a girl to do??? start masturbating herself??? I feel it's not fair!!! From my part, my partner prefers masturbation and leaves me "fending" for myself and I ask him but he makes up excuses about this, that, and the third...I can't take it any longer so now I don't ask him for sex nor any other of his husbandly duties...My boy-friend satisfies quite well...lol his selfish need to pleasure himself was more important than putting a smile on my face he ruined my marriage and now I am pleased with a man that satisfies me in every aspect of the word and enjoys every part of my femininity. While, my husband has his hand and porn...lol
i'm 48 yrs old.my wife and i haven't had sex in a long time. i love her and want her, but the past couple of times i haven't been able to maintain an erection. however, when i look at internet porn, there's no problem in that dept.my wife is very attractive. i need to know how to reconnect with her sexually.
Reading these entries was some of the most entertaining 20 min. of the new year! Sex should happen naturally, if it is not there is a problem. Those with weak drives should be with others who have weak drives as well, so not to deprive anyone. As far as masturbation, who cares as long as no one is being neglected, deprived or feels rejected. Just my two cents, good luck and happy sex
I want to know the effect of not having sex with actual woman. In other words what will be the effect of masturbating forever? Help me please????
My ex preferred masterbating to transgendered porn OR wearing panties and having me rub him in a certain spot - while he masterbated. We were together 8 years. Sex was fairly normal for the first few years. I tried, he tried. I felt for him. But I was desperate for intimacy. We had an amicable divorce. Has anyone here heard of this type of situation? It has been several years and I still feel so confused. It is hard not to wonder what my role was in the whole thing.
My guy and I both masturbate all the time in addition to our shared sex life. The poor guy has to squeeze in his masturbating time nowadays. Used to be it was his only form of sexual release before he met me, and he still likes doing it for its own hedonistic alone-time pleasure and for the sake of nostalgia. Usually he does it right after we have sex, so that he can recharge in time for my next attack.
I feel bad for all the people out there who need to work the kinks OUT.
i would feel upset and hurt when my husband watch porn and masturbate on the computer of all hours of the night instead of being in bed with me. Then he keeps it as a secret from me which made me hurt even more and caused trust issues. He does it when im not home also. when i talk to him about it he would always say that he did not know i wanted to have sex....it really hurt when he said he didnt notice... and told me if he would had known he would of joined me. But i know when he doesnt mean what he saids, because i always knew if he wanted sex with me or not. which hurt me much more and we would start to argue. It has got to the point to where i was turned off from what he was doing and didnt feel the need to have sex with him anymore. I did not know what to do. But i knew we were in trouble when i started to masturbate with myself most of the time as a replacement as my sex life instead of being with my husband.I even thought about looking for sex els where. To me my marriage was falling apart little by little. But im doing the best i know how to make it work for the both of us and so far its going better but he has to do his part as well, I cant do it for him i can only do mine. Wish us the best of luck!!
My husband of two years has had a orgasm with me only a handful of times. He can only achieve orgasm through masturbation. He blames it on lack of frequency although I have not seen any evidence. The last two nights I have interupted "our" having sex by trying to get him to have it with me, this stopping him from orgasming. He says he enjoys being with me but it still makes me feel like crap. I am starting to want to avoid the whole process because it makes me feel like a failure and that "we" don't have a sex life together. We are trying to have a baby and skipped straight to IVF due to his vasectomy. Reversal isn't an option because the ejaculation with me is rare to say the least. Any advice?
I am 55 (physically fit, secure)married 30 years and have masterbated regularly for most of my married life. My wife (not fit, overweight and aging quickly 55 also)doesn't know and I have never even suggested she know. I masterbate and have done so because she had low libido and now has none. Got sick of the arguments over no sex and just started to take care of myself after about 1 year into marriage. Lack of the intimacy thing though has changed my feelings for her. While she is my wife and I care for her, I now view her as someone who shares the house and chores. Also, if we try to