Part 6: Relationship Conflicts
This is the sixth in a series of "Ten Reasons Why Women May Lack Sexual Desire."
Many times in my practice I'll encounter a person who will want to resolve conflicts and dissolve unpleasant feelings with a mate by having a sexual connection with that estranged mate. Some women do turn to sex to work out negative feelings that they may have from disagreements with their mate, but many -- if not most -- don't. This tends to be true most often in long term relationships, though it shows up with some frequency in rather new relationships too.
The women who can turn to sex to, in part, bridge the gap of disconnection tend to be women who are able to "objectify" their partners in a fairly healthy way. Even though they may be angry or frustrated with their partner, their personal enjoyment of their partner's body or way of expressing sexuality can be so great that objections are set aside. In other words, a healthy case of lust wins out over hurt or anger.
When the squabbles are small lust has a better chance of succeeding, but when the problems are sizable the chances are nil for most women. In my experience, the primary exception to this is women who have erotic attachment to anger. They like having sex with an angry edge to it. They may even sometimes provoke a conflict in order to have a sexual session to "make up."
When the sexual relationship between two people has taken a serious hit from their relationship conflicts, it's often a good time to see a sex therapist to sort out the issues and see if the sexual aspects (as well as the others) can get back on track.
Related Topics: Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick, Newlyweds' 5 Biggest Pitfalls
Technorati Tags: marriage, sexuality, relationships
Many times in my practice I'll encounter a person who will want to resolve conflicts and dissolve unpleasant feelings with a mate by having a sexual connection with that estranged mate. Some women do turn to sex to work out negative feelings that they may have from disagreements with their mate, but many -- if not most -- don't. This tends to be true most often in long term relationships, though it shows up with some frequency in rather new relationships too.
The women who can turn to sex to, in part, bridge the gap of disconnection tend to be women who are able to "objectify" their partners in a fairly healthy way. Even though they may be angry or frustrated with their partner, their personal enjoyment of their partner's body or way of expressing sexuality can be so great that objections are set aside. In other words, a healthy case of lust wins out over hurt or anger.
When the squabbles are small lust has a better chance of succeeding, but when the problems are sizable the chances are nil for most women. In my experience, the primary exception to this is women who have erotic attachment to anger. They like having sex with an angry edge to it. They may even sometimes provoke a conflict in order to have a sexual session to "make up."
When the sexual relationship between two people has taken a serious hit from their relationship conflicts, it's often a good time to see a sex therapist to sort out the issues and see if the sexual aspects (as well as the others) can get back on track.
Related Topics: Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick, Newlyweds' 5 Biggest Pitfalls
Technorati Tags: marriage, sexuality, relationships
28 Comments:
I find some of that hard to believe. When I am upset with my husband I am not going to have sex with him. Having sex to make-up only pushes the problem on the back burner to explode at another time. Where did you research this angry woman sex stuff from?
Really, I agree. If you care about someone, how can you detach enough to enjoy sex and still hold anger. I believe that old adage about a man needs sex to relax where a woman needs to be relaxed to have sex, or truly enjoy the experience. Make up sex would indicate that the issue has been resolved.
Whiners...sheesh. It's all about YOU isn't it?
What does sex have to do with the arguement that you were having about something else? Be angry about what you were arguing about but don't take it out on other aspects of your life and relationships. Sheesh.
I can be angry about how the bill money was spent or allocated or that they were late picking me up or that he stayed out too late on 'boys night out' but I am not going to short-change myself by poisoning my entire relationship with him. I'm only hurting myself that way. I like myself and I like him and I like our relationship. I'm not into self sabatoge and I am not sabatoging my relationship by holding on the anger and allowing it to invade my entire role as a partner.
And don't discount something because it's out of your realm of experience. I've known women who like angry sex, not all the time, but it has it's upsides. I've had it twice out of the blue and it was fantastic. It's not something you can do everyday, I think that would be psycho.. but it had a certain thrill.
Thanks for this eye opener article. I can see now that my wife has been doing that for years, creating an argument with the motivation of making up with sex. I finally had to separate myself from her drama.
Well, I'm sorry, but to women, sex is much more a mental act then it is for a man! A man can bed anything if he's in the mood. Someone has got to be a little sick to enjoy sex when they're upset at the person. Not saying they couldn't have it, just saying that they won't really be enjoying it.
Some of the best sex I've had with my husband has been after an argument.
The second writer states "If you care about someone, how can you detach enough to have sex and still hold on to the anger" My question would be, if you truly care about someone, why are you holding what is essentally a grudge against them instead of making love with them. Life is short folks. You better enjoy it.
The first writer states,"Having sex to make-up only pushes the problem on the back burner to explode at another time." My question to her would be, why are you letting issues in your marriage fester until they explode? It's easier to settle things when you're calm and relaxed, like after sex.
Yes, I get angry with my husband (we've been married for close to 20 years) and we argue but I don't make the argument a personal attack against me. It's just something that is upsetting me at the moment and needs to be voiced. As I said earlier, life is short. Myself, I'd rather spend more of that time making love than being angry over what in the long run, may be something very trivial.
Thank you.
In many ways I disconnect my sexual relationship with my partner, from my "every day" relationship. How can I do that? Well, let's start with the fact that he's GREAT in bed. I see it this way: if I'm pissed at him for being a self-involved, insensitive cad, get in bed with him and he's completely selfless, and notices every breath I take, every minute movement I make. Is that "making up" in bed? No, it's recognizing the positive aspects of him and our relationship. OK, call me a ho for being willing to make love to him when things aren't hunky-dorey. I see it as a way to step back and assess the whole relationship, not just the part I wanted to focus on today.
Thanks for posting this. It is a n eye openner.
To those who don't think that is possible, or needed, here is a scenario for you. You have a 4 months baby, who need a major diaper change, lets say the situation is messy, you were at one of your in laws family and now you have to take care of the situation. Perhaps you are overwelmed and frustrated. Your dress is ruined. For some women, or men, this ruins their day, they are so upset and maybe even angry at the baby, and after the fact, they need their "break" so they can be themselves again. For others, they put the frustration aside, and hold the baby for other needs she/he may have, and the bonding continues.
I am not saying women are givers and men need sex, and women must provide that. This is perhaps an example of different ways to deal with a situation. I am sure you can find example at work or other situation.
I can not say we had great sex after we fight, but definitely it make things more exciting, and I am speaking for her as well. She had one of her best orgasm, after we almost split. We both glad that we did not :-)
if you can be angry at someone and still have sex with them, you might as well be having sex with a hooker, you are obviously emotionally detached from the situation and your partner.
Just because you have sex during or after a huge figh or nagging does not make anyone detach from their relationship or from each other. Because having sex is allowing you to become one like you do when you get married...That why they say 2 shall become one. Why not enjoy each and feel each in that way. If anything having sex during or after is showing that you are supportive, caring, and nuturing to each other. After you just ruined each others ego and feelings. It is like put a bandage on a cut to help it heal. I allows feels much better. One thing I do know I enjoy sex with my partner cause I enjoy being so close with them. For women who can't be that close to your husband or you feel like a Ho you need to look at yourself and learn how to be forgiving and forgetful. And if you like all you are is a slave or servant to your husband then you differently need to learn how to appreciate yourself and your husband needs to be aware of how you feel. And work it out. Yes as women we cook, clean, we make most of the sacrifics for everyone, and we run the kids every where, do stuff for them. But those of you who are married be thankful of what you have (YOUR HUSBAND) cause their are a lot of people who plays all the roles of life to run a house hold. So learn how not to hold grudges. So suck thing up, learn how forgive and forget. Start LIVING. LIVE,LAUGH, and LOVE ALL THE TIME. Make Love at Least 3xs per day. Make love,peace and not battles. One last thing I feel sorry for those women husband who do not have sex with after a big blow up. Heck the women proable only give them sex once every three monthes anyway. And they are just jealous of us who will have anytime before, during, and after a feud.
Okay...I don't know where to start. I am not even sure if this is the right place to post this. I am confused about this guy. About a year ago this guy, I will call him Bob. He is 24 years old and has a 4 year old son. He is seperated from his wife who is a year older than I(I am 20). they are seperated because she cheated on him with his best friend. Anyways, For the past year we have been sleeping together and every so often I bring up the subject of us dating. It ends up being a 5 hour talk about how he isn't ready for a relationship because he is still married. he also said it's because he wants to have time for me when his job starts to take off cause he is up for a promotion. We have the same feelings for each other. He told me that if someone better comes along take it but then I asked him if it doesn't work out between us then would you be there waiting for me. He then says no. When I am at parties or out with friends i tell guys that come up to me that I am dating someone. Is that wrong of me cause one time I was with some friends and this guy was with us and one thing lead to another and we were in the moment and I told him to stop because Bob popped in my head and I felt wrong. Since then thats when I started telling people that I was taken. Should I wait for this guy? Am I being selfish if I want a relationship? Am I pushing him away when I bring up the relationship conversation?
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
my partner always "raped" me after a quarrel to make up. It doesnt solve a thing and soon after we quarrel again. Basically I feel that there was no communication between us and he doesnt respect me. I really feel terrible.
my partner always "raped" me after a quarrel to make up. It doesnt solve a thing and we quarrel again soon after. Basically I feel there is no communication between us and he doesnt respect me. Im depressed.
To have your mate "rape" you after an arguement , to me, proves that he thinks he "wins" the fight. He is still in control, he got what he wanted, the sex, he cares less about what the arguement was about.
I think this is how it is for men, as long as they get sex, they don't care what the fight was, they get what they want. Things are great! Why would he try to resolve a conflict in a relationship, that a woman feels is very inportant to her, when he gets what he wants. The reward.
I was wondering if anyone could answer a question for me? My wife told me she wants a divorce because she doesnt love me. then we took a trip to be alone and talk and she initiated sex twice. Why?
I've read what others have said. I don't think there is a 'one size fits all' answer. Every situation and the people involved is unique. We all have to weigh our needs with the importance we place on our spouse or partner to determine what we find acceptable or even desirable. I'm a man who has been separated nearly a year from my wife at her choice. I lost her trust over financial choices I made and untruths I told. We've been intimate once in the last year. Sometimes a simple embrace seems too much for her. All of this has taught me that I'm an idiot and I love her now more than I ever did. It's not about sex or who is right or wrong. It's about being the people we know we should be. Sooner or later life extracts it's due from us and in my case it was sooner. There's nothing I want more than I want to be initmate with her and if I have to wait 30 years, I'll do it. She and our family are the most important to me. My needs will wait until things are right.
I liked the idea that "sex is like a bandage" when you're fighting. I find that when I am angry at my husband, I don't want to cuddle with him in bed. But when I feel that way, I know that is when I need to cuddle with him the most! I cannot let my anger push me so far away from him that I can't be physically close to him. I disagree with the second comment, that "if you care about someone, how can you detach enough to enjoy sex and still hold anger?" If you care about someone, how can you NOT enjoy sex with them? How can you withhold that from them? Sex is not something to withhold as punishment. Besides, I have to say that when you are angry and you have all that adrenaline pressure built up in you... it makes for an amazing climax! :)
Sex is a molifier.Good to have sex in conflicts.The anger will cool down.If the male is anxious to have sex or the female it doen,t matter.Even lying in the bed naked when angry will remove anger.I find the if ohysical intimacy is contrived the anger goes and both become co operative.
If for any reason you or your partner cannot have sex or be physical. Then the realtioship is close to being over. People, male or female should not use sex to control someone.It is the ultimate gift that a person can give to someone and we should enjoy it as often as possible. Life is to short to do other wise.
I agree most men think they have won the fight if they get sex,but there are some who dont play that game.Some of us do not force ourselves on our mates.
When my husband has been mean and angry, has done or said things that have hurt me, I am in too much pain to be intimate with him. Also, why should I give my body to someone who would treat me with such disrespect!!!
Lindy
ahh Elaine, that's great for you!
Really! What to do about a partner who's really lousy at it? But he demands it.
Hi. I am 18 years old, and I have a beautiful 1 1/2 month old daughter. And I need some advice. A couple years ago I was with this guy, Chris. He cheated on me and abused me. Then I got molested a lot by two different guys. Then I went out with this guy miles who raped and abused me. After miles it was justin who cheated on me. Now I am with my current boyfriend (excuse me, fiancee) and things were great at first. Then after a couple months I noticed something; he was staring at other girls' asses all the time. I tried yelling at him, threatening to break up with him, actually leaving him, talking to him, everything i can think of. Then it got worse, we went swimming with my sister and he was flirting with her and staring at her body. I got really angry and cussed him out (cmon now who wouldnt????) He got a job and was always like 2 or 3 hours late and it was just down the street. So a couple months later, we got out apartment and now he does the same things, but now its physical abuse. Especially the past 4 days. Hes slammed me into the wall so hard theres a hole bigger than my head, raped me, hit me, called me a slut, whore, and a bitch, and i think he bruised or fractured my ribs. He says that if i leave him, i cant have the baby and that if i leave and call the police, hell run off with out daughter. When hes mad i hate him but when he calms down i love him so much and when he apologizes, i believe it (or want to believe it) and i stay with him. I cant seem to get myself to say its over and leave. But i cant handle this anymore....Is there anyway to get him to stop??? Or is there anything else i can do?? Because i really dont WANT to leave him, but i cant take this anymore. Its so bad that im considering suicide as a option now. Please someone help me out. If you could, email me at darkending420@aol.com
Thank you
i dont like make up sex because regular sex hasnt been fullfilling for the last 8 years. so make up sex is more annoying.
so heres a question for any who can answer it-i want a child not 2,3 or 10 just 1 but my husband dosent want any(he has several children from a previous marriage). now before we were married i said i didnt want any but since then i have change my mind. could this be a reason why i dont like sex?
You stupid women. Leave your loser partners and get out there and have sex with other great guys.
Petie:)
For the woman that said she is NOT having sex with her husband when she is upset with him:
I think that works both ways too and it is very true. There is a song I've heard before:
"It's hard to kiss the lips at night that rag your ass all day long"
I think although this is sung by a man, it could have very well have been a woman's song. Wake up couples!! ENJOY LIFE!
The young woman that is having a physical relationship only with "Bob" I have some advice for you honey. Leave Bob alone. He is looking for a strictly physical relationship with you and you will waste way too much of your life on someone like this. If you were my daughter, my youngest is 37, I'd tell you this:
Bob has issues with his estranged mate and he does have a child by her and that is a tie he will always have. Men can be real jerks but when it comes to family, men stay true and strong to that family and will do anything for them and should and you will never have with him what he has had before with his mate. You are only filling his sexual need and that's a hard place to be in. When a man is slow to respond to your desires, it is because it is not their desires. Let Bob go, there is someone out there that has been waiting on you all their life. Get out there and let him find you!
I cannot have sex with my husband when there is conflict because he acts out aggressively during sex because he can't vocalize his emotions. I always end up hurt and he's a completely selfish "lover". Before you suggest it, we've been in couples therapy for about 1.5 years. He thinks he can be a total jerk to me all day, then wink at me in bed and everything will be ok. I need mental foreplay far more than physical. It also makes me feel like my whole net worth is wrapped up in sex, like I'm worth nothing if I'm not putting out. And the only time he would bother to disagree with that statement is when he's trying to get somewhere sexually.
I agree with the writer. The libido wins over some anger, distrust, etc. My ex-boyfriend was awesome in bed, but someone whom I don't like any more and am angry at for some things said and done. However, we will still hook up sometimes for a romp because neither of us can find anyone better.
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